Original subtitles

In a city of perfect people,

no one was more perfect than Brooke.

She was an interior designer who only dated A-list guys.

For Brooke, every Saturday night was like the senior prom.

So when she got married,

we were all dying to see which one had made the cut.

Hey!

Was I the only one who remembered

that Brooke once described this man

as more boring than exposed brick?

Molly, thank you so much.

It was your average $100,000 wedding.

Investment bankers and the women who hate them,

classmates from Steiner, Dalton, and Brown.

And us.

We looked like The Witches of Eastwick .

A wedding this size always has two singles tables.

We were at the other one.

Hello.

Hi. I'm Bernie Turtletaub, friend of the groom.

It was The Turtle.

A Manhattan legend known for two things.

Good investments and bad breath.

God, my feet are killing me.

Here, sit down. I can't.

This outfit only works if I'm standing.

Oh, I think it works either way.

You know, I-- I think I'm at that table over there.

Your friend is gorgeous.

What do I have to do to get to know her better?

Do you think the pears in this tart are Bosc or Bartlett?

Who cares?

Two hours later, we were bored.

Supplies were dwindling,

and one of our passengers had jumped ship.

So are we going to stick around and catch the bouquet?

That is so not going to happen.

Bosc! They've got to be Bosc.

Oh, can you believe I finally did it?

Mm! You're next!

Bill's got some great single friends.

It's always better to marry someone

who loves you more than you love them.

People are always telling me things

I don't want to hear.

But this one crossed the line.

Hey. Did I wake you?

Not at all.

Question.

Why do people get married

if they're not in love?

I don't know.

Companionship. Guilt...

Political asylum?

Well, why did you get married?

I was a fool in love.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Hmm. And then, I was a fool in divorce court.

Yeah, and now, you're just a fool.

Exactly, which is why I'm never getting married again.

Suddenly, I had to concentrate on breathing.

Are you in bed with someone?

No, are you?

Just three slices of wedding cake.

Are you jealous?

That depends.

What are your plans for the frosting?

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

I hung up the phone, wondering...

could I date a man who would never get married?

Wow! A guy who doesn't want to get married! Film at 11:00!

Don't tell me you're surprised by this.

You know who wants to get married?

Men who miss their mommies.

Maybe this wasn't my target audience.

Am I the only one who thinks this is a major bummer?

What if you spend five years with him,

and in the end, you have nothing to show for it?

I wasn't even thinking about getting married

until he told me I couldn't think about it.

Now, it's all I can think about.

Oh, just be cool. You don't care.

Then, he'll wonder why you don't,

which will make him realize that he does,

and then it's a whole new ball game.

So in your world, it's always sixth grade?

I think that a relationship has to be based on

honesty and communication

if it has any chance of succeeding.

Okay, if you were 25, that would be adorable,

but you're 32 now, so that's just stupid.

Well, I can't just ignore it, can I?

Yes! -No.

What's the big deal?

In 50 years, men are gonna be obsolete anyway.

I mean, already you can't talk to them.

You don't need them to have kids with.

You don't even need them to have sex with anymore,

as I've just very pleasantly discovered.

Uh-oh, sounds like somebody just got their first vibrator.

Not first, ultimate.

And I think I'm in love.

-Oh, please...

Stop! This is so sad!

Come on, I'm not gonna replace a man

-with some battery-operated device. Yes. you say that,

but you haven't met "The Rabbit."

Oh, come on. If you're going to get a vibrator,

at least get one called "The Horse."

A vibrator does not call you on your birthday.

A vibrator doesn't send you flowers the next day.

And you cannot take a vibrator home

to meet your mother.

Well, I know where my next orgasm is coming from.

Who here can say as much?

That night, Samantha went on a date

with a flesh and blood man,

while the three of us went in search of

furrier companionship.

Ladies, I'd like you to meet "The Rabbit."

$92?

Please! Think about the money we spend on shoes.

Well, I have no intention of using that.

I'm saving sex for someone I love.

Fantastic, is there a man in the picture?

Look!

Oh, it's so cute.

Oh, I thought it would be all scary and weird, but it isn't.

It's-- it's pink for girls.

And look, the little bunny, and his little face!

Like Peter Rabbit.

Yeah, and it's even got a remote.

I mean, how lazy do you have to be?

Later that night, back at the briar patch...

Oh, wow.

-Hello.

You are not going to believe the evening I have had.

Are you listening to me?

Yeah.

Jerry, who Samantha met at Brooke's wedding,

took her to Lava, New York's restaurant du jour.

From the moment I saw you at that wedding,

I knew we'd be having dinner together.

Well, aren't you cocky?

I'm the kind of guy, I see something,

I like it,

I go after it.

You sound like my kind of guy.

Hold that thought. I'll be right back.

Okay.

Ten minutes and a couple of cocktails later...

Where the hell is he?

Excuse me.

He obviously had seen something else he liked

and gone after it.

Then, just when she thought her evening

couldn't get any worse...

Samantha? Hey, Samantha!

It's me.

Bernie Turtletaub, from the wedding.

Oh, right.

Are you here all by yourself?

Uh, well, sort of. I'm...

Well, sit down. Join me!

God, you look great.

What Samantha needed now more than anything

was a compliment from anyone.

I can't believe the synchronicity.

I was just thinking about you!

Uh-huh.

So... do you like this shirt?

My ex-girlfriend picked it out for me.

Honey, no offense, but you're breath...

I know.

It's these Chinese herbs I'm taking.

You know, for longer life.

Well, with breath like that

you're gonna live a very long life, alone.

I killed the last woman who talked to me like that.

Samantha was impressed.

The Turtle had attempted a joke.

This is from Parma.

You know, a lot of people can't tell the difference

between prosciutto and bresaola.

Once we get the breath under control,

I'm going to take him shopping for a whole new wardrobe.

He's a cute little fixer-upper.

Sweetheart, he's a man, not a brownstone.

Honey, when I'm through with him,

he'll be Gracie Mansion!

Samantha and The Turtle?

But then again, I'm dating a man who will never get married,

and Miranda is having a meaningful relationship

with something that comes in a box from Japan.

In a city of great expectations,

is it time to settle for what you can get?

I needed some answers.

Later that week, I met Brooke.

Just back from her honeymoon, she was all business.

The business of marriage.

Yes, I'd like to return these.

Is there any way you can melt them down

into one decent gift?

His friends.

So... how is it being married?

Oh, it's fabulous.

I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted.

And that's a good thing.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, just, um...

I mean, just means you're, you're--

I meant you're happy with Allen, right?

Yes, I'm happy!

Well, then, I'm happy for you.

Hey, listen, um...

I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea.

I-- I think Allen's great.

I just, I mean, he's incredibly successful--

Look, we all think we're Carolyn Bessette.

One day John-John's out of the picture

and we're happy just to have some guy

who can throw around a Frisbee.

Oh! Well, look who's here. Hey, you two!

Hey!

-Oh, my God! -What a small world!

I couldn't believe it.

It was The Turtle, wearing Helmut Lang.

Wow, he looks great.

Doesn't he?

Oh. Oh.

Oh, he twirls.

What do you think?

Fabulous.

He's like a whole new person.

-Don't I have a three o'clock? -Oh, that's right.

I'm taking him to Bliss for a facial.

-Oh, enjoy. -See you later.

-Bye. -Bye.

Oh, you know, I have to run too.

-Oh. -I'll call you.

Okay.

Smart girl. She seems happy.

Samantha left with The Turtle.

Brooke left with a better gift.

And I left wondering

if everyone in Manhattan was settling.

My Zen teacher once told me

that there was nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind.

Just as I had reached the moment of no thought...

I think I broke my vagina.

Oh, Char, am I pulling too hard?

No, metaphorically I mean, with the Rabbit.

Oh, so you've been using it?

Yes, and I'm scared if I keep using it,

I'll never be able to enjoy sex with a man again.

Why?

Well, have you ever been with a man,

you know, and he's, like, he's doing everything, and it feels good.

But somehow you, you just can't manage to, um...

-Cum? -Shh. Yeah.

Well, it's weird, 'cause with the Rabbit,

it's like every time, boom!

And one time, I came for like, five minutes.

Well, Charlotte, honey, it's not illegal.

Yeah, but no man ever did that.

I mean I'm scared. What am I gonna do?

Well, you know, you could still enjoy sex with the man

and the Rabbit.

No, no, no, I am done with it.

That's it. I am never gonna touch that thing again.

Oh...

Oh, um, uh, I've got to cancel on the ballet tonight.

Oh. Why?

Oh, I'm, uh, expecting a, uh, a phone call...

a long-distance phone call. Transatlantic.

Charlotte could never tell a decent lie.

I knew an addict when I saw one.

Oh, God I love Sleeping Beauty !

The music, the sets, the costumes!

It's so romantic!

You only like it because she gets to sleep

for 100 years and she doesn't age.

I invited Stanford to the ballet.

I knew he was available.

Hey, Stanford, cute, huh?

I've had it with the whole gay scene.

It's so competitive.

You won't believe what happened to me last week.

Evidently, Stanford, tired of bars and blind dates,

decided to place a personal ad.

He scheduled a rendezvous with the only respondent

on a cold, Sunday afternoon.

Twenty minutes and three false alarms later,

Stanford was ready to call it quits.

Stanford?

Yes.

Sorry, this is not gonna happen.

It's so brutal out there.

Even guys like me don't want guys like me.

I just don't have that gay look.

I don't know, you look pretty gay to me.

Come on, maybe it's just a phase.

Puberty is a phase.

Fifteen years of rejection is a lifestyle.

I mean, sometimes I think I should just marry a woman

and get all the money.

What, is there a cash prize?

Oh, yeah. My grandmother gives everyone in the family

their inheritance when they get married.

She doesn't know you're gay?

She doesn't believe in gay.

Oh, really? That's funny.

Big doesn't believe in marriage.

Maybe you should propose to me,

and we'll all live happily ever after.

You really do want it all.

I don't know. Maybe nobody gets it all.

Though, you do have a point.

We're best friends.

We make each other laugh.

We both sleep with men!

You know, this is not a bad idea at all.

Well, actually, I was kidding.

I'm not! Think about it.

Who else will keep you in expensive shoes

and encourage you to cheat?

Now you're talking!

Friday night at the ballet

with a man who shared my passion for hot men in tights.

Saturday afternoon in bed with a man

who shared my passion for passion.

Maybe there was such a thing as having it all.

What's that smile about?

Oh, I got a marriage proposal last night.

Really?

-Mm. -From whom?

A very handsome, witty, young man

about to come into his inheritance.

Oh, I see.

Anyone I know?

Actually his name is Stanford,

Stanford Blatch.

I thought he was gay.

He is.

That should make for an interesting column.

What are you going to do about sex?

I have you.

Oh.

I guess you've got it all figured out,

Mrs. Blatch.

The more he mocked me,

the more convinced I became

that this idea was genius.

That night, Miranda and I had plans

to join Charlotte for a gallery opening

in Chelsea when--

-Hello. Carrie, it's Charlotte.

Oh, I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to cancel.

Yeah, I'm totally wiped out.

Uh-huh.

Wiped out.

That was "Charlotte speak" for

"I'm spending the night with my vibrator."

But you guys have fun, though.

There was only one thing to do.

A Rabbit intervention.

Come on, let's go.

Okay, where is it?

What are you talking about?

The Rabbit, Charlotte, give us the Rabbit.

Hey, hey, hey, it's a vibrator!

It's not like it's crack.

No!

Oh, Charlotte, you hid the Rabbit

behind a stuffed rabbit?

That is so you.

You guys have a lot of nerve coming in here.

You're the one who made me get it.

I thought you could handle it.

It's no big deal.

I'd just rather stay home with the Rabbit

than go out and deal with men.

All right. You're right.

I'll go get dressed.

With a little help from her friends,

Charlotte decided that

she wasn't going to settle for herself.

While Samantha was doing everything in her power

to remake The Turtle

into a man she could fall in love with.

How's your dinner?

It's questionable.

I can't figure out whether the mushrooms in this sauce

are shiitake or chanterelle.

They're definitely not porcini.

Maybe they're wood ear.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

My God, they're trompettes!

It was then that Samantha realized

that even with all her effort,

he was still just The Turtle in black.

You know... I'm not feeling very well.

I think I'm going to have to send myself home.

I'll call you.

Excuse me.

Do you like this shirt?

My ex-girlfriend picked it out.

After 12 phone calls and three e-mails,

Stanford badgered me into at least meeting his grandmother.

I love that suit you're wearing.

Designed by Coco Chanel herself.

Seriously?

Oh, Grandmother's been wearing that same suit

for 40 years.

And it still fits.

-It never goes out of style. -Never.

I have it in blue, black, pink.

And eggshell!

Exactly.

Stanford tells me you're a writer.

Yes, I have a column in The Star .

I was a career woman many, many years ago.

But I gave it up to have children.

Oh, wow!

Is this you?

Not a bad looking girl. Don't you think?

No.

Doesn't she look exactly like Deborah Kerr

in An Affair to Remember ?

She does.

Oh, my God!

This has to be Stanford.

-You're the same person! -Okay, that's enough.

Oh, come on, this is fun.

I had no idea you had such a big family.

And how about you, honey?

Do you want a family?

As I looked around at all the memorabilia

and family photographs,

the faces of brides and grooms,

children and grandchildren,

I realized...

-Yes, I do.

Uh, Stanny, be a dear.

Go in the kitchen and get me some matches.

Of course.

I love my Stanford.

He's a very sweet boy.

But you know, he is a fruit.

I realized then that the only inheritance Stanford was going to get

from his grandmother was her collection of Chanel suits.

Salt... yeah.

That night at dinner, I knew I would have to break the news to Mr. Big.

What do you think?

Look, I do want to get married someday.

I mean, maybe not today, but I just-- I don't want to--

I can't date somebody that won't.

You know, what's the point?

Definitely too much salt.

I mean, it's all in the timing.

You gotta brown the garlic

before you put in the onions.

Know what I mean?

I thought we were having fun.

It's bitter,

but definitely has possibilities.

You got a little bit of sauce on the lip right...

there.

My Zen teacher also said

the only way to true happiness

is to live in the moment

and not worry about the future.

Of course, he died penniless and single.