Original subtitles

[♪ Dramatic orchestra music playing]

Check it out, folks! A photo of us from my wedding.

[Mabel Mora] Is that Nicky Caccimelio?

The missing mobster was at your wedding? The whole town is looking for him.

[Mabel] And he's talking with Lester.

[Oliver Putnam] And handing him an envelope.

What if Nicky killed Lester?

Lester's building ledger?

[scoffs] Mrs. Coluca, please, I...

-[sighs] -He'd want you to have it.

Besides, I think you might find some very interesting tidbits in here.

You know I cared about you, pal.

Anyone here? Just dropping off a chapeau!

[gasps]

[screams, grunts]

[Mabel] This doesn't prove anything. What is he doing?

I know this closet.

[grunting]

-[Mabel gasps] -[Charles-Haden Savage] Whoa, mama!

That's the envelope that Nicky gave Lester at the wedding.

Lester was here the night he died. This was no tragic accident.

[sighs]

[♪ Upbeat piano music playing]

[♪ "It's A Hap, Hap, Happy Day" by Eddy Duchin and His Orchestra playing]

[whistle blowing]

[indistinct chatter]

[♪ "It's A Hap, Hap, Happy Day" continues playing]

What do I do? I don't know what I do.

Shovel the snow, put salt down.

Carpeted mats in the elevators.

You don't want nobody slipping. Believe me.

[slurping]

-[pedestrians chattering] -[car horns honking]

So, what is this again?

[interviewer] A study on New York City doormen.

Oh.

Is the public clamoring for that? [chuckles]

You know, it's not brain surgery, but I do help people.

You know, I chat with them.

Give them a pick-me-up if they need that, you know?

[whistle blowing]

[doorman] Keep candy for the kids being raised by nannies.

Take their dogs out for their morning constitutional.

♪ Oh, the clouds have rolled away ♪

I helped a lady give birth right here in this lobby 14 years ago.

Yankees shoulda signed me the way I fielded that slippery sucker.

[laughing]

♪ It's A Hap, Hap, Happy... ♪

-[car horns honking] -[person whistles]

Everything these days gettin' so disconnected.

That's what we look after, you know?

The one-on-one thing.

Lose that in this city? [scoffs] Shit.

People pass on in here too, of course.

You open a door for them the first time.

Might open it for the last, too.

So... respect.

[♪ Somber music playing]

Been at this desk 32 years now.

Crazy to say out loud.

I never planned on being a doorman.

I was gonna be an actor.

A movie star, to be specific.

I was a little de-lu-lu back then.

But I can remember that first day like it was last week.

[toilet flushing]

[sighs] Okay, Lester.

-Work starts at 6 a.m. -[breathes deeply]

That means in uniform, not walking through the door.

You never let a tenant see you in your civilian clothes.

Hey, when do we get paid? And there are tips, right?

Around the holidays.

I was kinda hoping to be acting full time by then.

Uh, speaking of, who do I talk to about time off for auditions?

You're not leaving for auditions.

You got a life, you got dreams, good for you.

But when you're here, you're about the tenants.

That's the gig.

And if you do it right, who knows?

-You might fall in love with the place. -[pants zipping up]

-Got it? -[sighs]

Come on. Let's go.

[Lester Coluca] We are old New York.

Whatever that means.

[interviewer] Thirty-two years?

You must have quite a story.

-You mind sharing it? -My story?

-[♪ Tense orchestra music playing] -[footsteps echoing]

[panting]

[chuckles]

[♪ lively theme song playing]

[♪ Theme song concludes]

[elevator bell ringing]

[elevator doors opening]

[ringing continues]

Oh, look who it is. [sighs]

[elevator crank grinding]

You're starting with a tough one.

She always leaves early to buy a lotto ticket.

She'll ask you what numbers to play.

Don't engage.

[elevator dings]

-Good morning, Ms. Folger. -Good morning, George!

Hmm.

New guy.

I hope you're better than that last moron.

-When's your birthday? -Me? Oh.

Uh, May 18th, 1948?

Five, 18, 19, 48.

-That's not bad. -[elevator dings]

After you, Ms. Folger.

If I win, I'm not sharing.

[Young Lester exhales sharply]

Always, "After you." Makes the tenants feel good.

Oh. Huh.

And pay attention.

The real trick is noticing the little things.

Like, did you see her coat?

Uh... no.

Because she wasn't wearing one.

But it's cold out. Means she's having a hot flash.

When she comes home later, she's gonna ask you

to turn the radiator off in her apartment.

Here.

That thing is part of your arm now.

The safety of everyone in this building is right there in your hands

with that elevator crank.

-[grunting, gasps] -[crank clatters]

[clapping] You listening?

Pay attention to the small stuff.

That way, you know what's coming.

[door opening]

Good evening, Mr. Dimas. Missus...

-Not Mrs. Dimas. -[whispering] Not Mrs. Dimas.

Not Mrs. Dimas. [clearing throat]

[elevator dings]

[softly chuckles] We're visiting my sister in 12E.

Welcome. And who is this?

This is Mabel. She's gonna meet her auntie.

[Lester] Hi, Mabel.

Welcome to the Arconia.

[♪ Mysterious music playing]

Let me get the elevator for you, Mrs. Mora.

[♪ Bright music playing]

[buffer whirring]

[whirring stops]

Oh! Oh!

[groaning] My neck! My back!

Sir, you didn't fall.

I saw you lay yourself on the ground.

Don't you try to trick me just because I've had a terrible brain trauma.

Everyone saw!

[chuckles] Whoa! We're the only ones here.

What are you trying to pull?

[Lester snickering]

[sighs]

Um... [clearing throat] unrelated, uh...

I made an offer on a unit here,

but it's a, uh, competitive situation.

Although, if someone on the inside,

a hero who, uh, could make the other applications disappear,

maybe I wouldn't sue.

So, that's what you're after.

Yeah. I'll see what I can do.

That's very kind of you...

-Lester. -Yeah.

It's... It's... It's nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too.

[people giggling and chattering]

[clearing throat] Excuse me, can I help you?

-Are you visiting someone, or... -[door opening]

-[gasps] -Oh, my God! Brazzos!

I'm your biggest fan. Could we get a photo?

Uh, I'm sorry, I don't do photos without my Brazzos badge.

Oh, wait.

[fan squealing]

[all laughing]

This sends your life into a whole new direction.

-Here we go. -[camera clicking]

And you keep the badge.

Thank you!

Wow, Mr. Savage, you handled that like a pro.

You know, I'm an actor, too. Still just getting started,

but boy, I'd love a career like yours.

Well, good luck to you, my friend.

Network TV is a fickle lady.

And I'm here to say, she can be seduced.

[softly chuckles]

Man, it's so cool we get to have that guy living here, right?

Okay, Mr. Stars In Your Eyes, apparently, some homeless woman

is causing a racket in the courtyard.

Go ask her to move it along.

[person singing "Flower Duet" by Leo Delibes]

[voice echoing]

-[Lester] [chuckles] Yeah, um... -S-Sorry, I know. I'll leave.

No, no, please. Your... your voice is beautiful.

[softly chuckles] Well, taking them for a walk

is the only way to get them down for a nap.

That and a lullaby, so...

And I love the acoustics in this building.

It's... Well, it's... Actually, it's the limestone, so...

[tapping]

-[chuckles] -I'm Lester.

-I'm... -Florence?

You sound like a nightingale.

It's my favorite songbird.

I'm Lorraine, but most people call me Rainey.

[Lester] Rainey.

[♪ Gentle piano music playing]

So, when I'm rich and famous,

-and you're an opera star... -Mm-hmm?

...we'll still eat our lunch together here,

but, uh, up in our own apartment.

How's that sound?

Terrible. Absolutely awful.

[laughing]

-[Rainey chuckles] -[Lester sighs]

Hey, whoa, whoa.

-I love you, Mrs. Coluca. -I love you, Mr. Coluca.

[♪ Gentle romantic music plays]

-♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling ♪ -[Mrs. Morris] Oh, Howard!

It's gorgeous!

Oh, look at the Christmas village, Mother.

Oh, to spend the holidays with a daughter-in-law,

or grandkids.

-I'm working on it. -Well, hurry up!

[people chattering]

You gotta find a nice girl before this Y2K thing ends the world.

Being with a girl would be the end of the world.

-What did you just say? -Nothing, Mother. Song lyrics.

[singing] ♪ Being with a girl would be the end of the world, hey! ♪

What the hell are you doing? You shouldn't be in here!

♪ We're riding in a wonderland of snow ♪

♪ Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, it's grand ♪

♪ Just holding your hand ♪

Hey. I'm Lester.

Who are you?

I'm Mabel.

Oh, you got bigger.

Were you playing hide-and-seek in George's closet?

No. You need friends for that.

I was just hiding.

I could use a friend.

There's one last ornament that I gotta put on this tree.

Think you could help me out with that?

♪ Come on, it's lovely weather ♪

♪ For a sleigh ride together with you ♪

[♪ "Sleigh Ride" by Brett Eldredge playing]

♪ Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, it's grand ♪

-♪ Just holding your hand ♪ -[chuckles]

♪ We're riding along with a song ♪

-♪ Of a wintery fairy land ♪ -[elevator whirring]

♪ Our cheeks are nice and rosy ♪

♪ And comfy cozy are we ♪

[tenants chattering]

-♪ We're snuggled up together ♪ -After you.

-After you, and after you. -Thank you.

♪ Let's take that road before us ♪

♪ And sing a chorus or two ♪

-Say cheese! -[camera clicking]

-[Oliver snarling] -[Roberta Putnam] Okay, now a normal...

-[Oliver laughing] -[Roberta] A normal one.

-Alright, okay, okay. [groaning] -[Roberta laughing]

Lester, they're making faces. They're making faces.

-Uh, d-don't answer, Lester. Don't answer. -[Roberta sighs]

Seriously, guys, just... just one.

-For the Christmas card. -Okay, alright. Okay.

Oliver! Ugh, you got a second?

-For you, Teddy, anytime. -D... [scoffs]

-[Roberta] Our reservations are at 6:30! -I-I'll just be a minute. I promise.

We don't have a puppet budget.

Maybe two. Seven, tops.

[Teddy Dimas] Just because it works for Lion King,

doesn't mean our show needs puppets.

We're doing a musical about the Shroud of Turin.

We're on thin ice as it is.

[♪ "Sleigh Ride" continues playing]

-♪ Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up ♪ -[tenant] Hello there.

♪ Let's go ♪

[Charles] My agent sent me some script, Gladiator.

It's between me and this guy, uh, Russell Crowe.

-You like your chances? -Well, he's not gonna get it.

Listen to this. "Are you not entertained?"

Whoa! So good.

I always wanted to do chariot work. [imitating whip cracking]

-[both chuckle] -Oh, hey!

Hey, just the actor I was looking for.

Here's a little gift for the holidays.

And, uh, this will keep it fresh 'til you get it framed.

[elevator dings]

You're an actor?

[♪ "Sleigh Ride" ends]

[Lester sighing]

An official ledger. Wow.

[♪ Dramatic music playing]

A little something extra for the kids. Should buy a lot of toys, Georgie, huh?

-Family appreciates it. -Okay.

-Merry Christmas, boss! -Merry Christmas.

[door closes]

[Lester] Whoa, George.

Are you holding out on me?

I've seen you get those envelopes before.

-I want in. -[George] Why?

You don't need the money.

Aren't you leaving any day now to go be a big star?

That's a low blow, George. It's Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Lester.

[♪ Foreboding orchestra music playing]

[sighs]

-[power tools whirring] -[hammer banging]

[worker 1] Hold on, hold on, wait.

-Yeah. -[whirring continues]

-[worker 2] You got it? -Yep. [grunting]

[drill whirring]

[worker 1] Wait, just keep that with the others.

[worker 2] Got this?

Never thought I'd live to see the day the Arconia

has an automated elevator.

I hate to see the elevator go, but I love to watch it leave.

-What does that mean? -Nothing, Mother.

Just from a technology advancement standpoint.

Things are only getting worse.

I remember when a beer cost you a dollar,

you could smoke on planes, and pimps still dressed like pimps.

-[Howard Morris] Mm-mm-mm. -[worker] Here you go.

Lester. A word.

[drill continues whirring]

-[workers chattering] -[tools scraping]

George, George, I... I know, with the new elevator

you might not need a second doorman, but I can't lose this job.

I've got kids now, Rainey's finally getting traction

with her career, but... but it's opera. It doesn't pay shit.

-I mean, I'm... I'm happy here. -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

There's someone I wanna introduce you to.

-Come on. This way. -Wha...

[Lester sighs]

[door squeaking]

After you.

[♪ Mysterious music playing]

Lester, this is Nicky Caccimelio.

Whoa, you gonna hit me with that?

What?

Oh, no! I'm sorry.

I'd never. Uh, I know better.

I grew up across from your family's dry cleaners.

Oh, no shit? You're from Flatbush?

What do an Italian girl in tight jeans and Brooklyn got in common?

-Flatbush? -Flatbush! That's it.

-[chuckles] -[George laughing]

Alright.

Maybe.

Mm.

-What's going on? -I'm retiring.

Which means we're gonna need someone new on the desk

and someone new to help with Mr. Caccimelio.

I know you need the money.

And I know you love the building.

Consider this your big break.

-Wait, are you serious? -Mm-hmm.

[softly] Oh.

[normal] Uh, wait. Uh, what... what do I have to do?

-It's not like I need to... -Whoa, whoa, whoa, take it easy.

Nothin' like that, okay?

N-Not all the work is legal per se, but nobody's gettin' hurt.

I got a place here in the Arconia.

A little business on Saturday night.

All you need to do is stay a little later,

let a few people in, keep the night flowing.

Capisce? Discreetly, of course.

That doesn't seem bad.

I mean, I'm... I'm already good at letting people in.

Right. That's right.

Easy money.

[♪ Foreboding orchestra music playing]

[Lester inhales sharply]

[Lester clearing throat]

Welcome to the family.

[both laughing]

Well, that's it.

Just be careful.

Let the people in, but keep your head down.

The less you know, the better.

Okay, yeah. Got it.

You know...

I wasn't so sure about you when you started.

But you've really proven yourself.

[sighs] Take care of my building, Lester.

It's yours now.

After you.

[George chuckles]

[♪ Gentle orchestra music playing]

[elevator dings]

-Good morning, Lester. -Morning, Ms. Folger.

You forget to shave on your official first day?

-I'm just trying something out. -Mm.

I'll make sure your radiator's off when you get home.

Well, thank you. You're right on top of things.

Door!

[Lester clears throat]

After you.

Uh, sorry about Gladiator, Mr. Savage.

[Charles] Not a problem.

I'm auditioning for National Treasure. Third callback.

It's between me and Nic Cage, but he's not gonna get it.

-Not right. -Because you're a national treasure.

Hey.

[♪ Frantic orchestra music playing]

[Nicky Caccimelio] There he is, there he is.

Lester the jester.

Hey, I like nicknames.

-We'll work on it. Good work. -Thank you, boss.

[drawer thuds]

[♪ Frantic orchestra music continues]

[sighs deeply]

-Mrs. Morris. -Oh. Thank you, Lester.

My son is a G.

[Lester clearing throat]

-Do you know about LGBT? -[Lester] Um...

-He's the G. -Okay, Mother.

And any other G would be lucky to have you, Howard.

-You just need to find one. -And have grandkids.

-Yeah. -Thank you, Lester.

[Mrs. Morris] He could bring 'em to that Proud Parade.

[door opening]

[♪ Calm orchestra music playing]

Here to see Nicky? Right this way.

-[door opens] -[Uma Heller] Lester!

-[Bunny Folger] Lester! -[Uma] Lester!

There's a creep outside preying on beautiful women.

-We had to run for our lives. -Oh!

I can't believe you still got that thing.

[Uma] Oh, Lester and his crank.

Piece of Arconia history. As long as I'm here, it'll be, too.

[Uma sighs]

[♪ Poignant orchestra music playing]

[Mabel and friends chattering and laughing]

[Tim Kono] Just like this.

-Where? -Like, in a box.

You kids better not get too crazy tonight.

I don't wanna have to come up there.

The wine is for cooking.

Sure, a nice boxed wine reduction.

How many guests are we expecting at this, uh, formal dinner party?

Just Althea, Tim, and a few friends from Bayport.

Maybe don't say "Bayport" if you want to put Lester at ease.

Hey, no hating on B-Port, rich boy.

Lester, if a few other people come with "cooking supplies"...

[chuckles] ...um, they're with us.

Sorry if it's a lot of people.

Don't worry.

I remember when you didn't have any friends.

And look at you now. [clicking tongue]

-Hm. Look at me now. Oh. -Look at you now, Mabel.

[distant siren wailing]

It's my anniversary.

No shit. Congrats. I love love.

Me, too.

Thing is, I... I promised my wife we could go out to dinner tonight.

Ladies love a dinner. [chuckles]

Ah, right, but it's Saturday.

Exactly, uh, so I-I thought maybe I could take the night off.

No, no, no. No can do, Lester.

I need you there.

But you know what ladies also love?

Sunday brunch. Huh?

[Lester sighs]

You know, maybe it's time I finish up.

My kids are in college now. I've been saving.

I really don't need extra money anymore.

That's not really how it works, Lester.

You go when it's convenient for you.

Remind me who put your kids through college?

-I'm the reason you have anything. -[sighs]

So, you are gonna stay behind that desk

until I say you're done.

[♪ Somber music playing]

Happy anniversary.

-Sure. -Okay.

[sighs deeply]

[phone ringing]

Front desk.

[Oliver groaning]

Mr. Putnam?

Lester, can you run me a bath?

And then check to see if Roberta took the toaster.

We're gonna need that.

Oh, no, that's the one thing I'm not allowed to help with.

Uh, it's really frowned on.

If I died right now,

do you think I'd make it onto the Tony "In Memoriam"?

Answer carefully, I'm...

I'm very fragile.

Yes, she... she took all the vases.

Oh, God, Lester.

I'm gonna die alone.

[breathing heavily]

In this apartment I fought so hard to keep.

-Vase-less. -[Lester] Come on.

You got plenty of time to turn things around.

You hear about Harrison Ford?

What?

Another plane crash?

See, that's how you get on the "In Memoriam."

I don't know about that.

I just know it took him a while to figure it out.

You're a late bloomer, Mr. Putnam.

Just like me.

A couple of kids with our whole life ahead of us.

You know...

if you leave these on the table, they're just gonna wither away.

But if you care for 'em...

put 'em in water...

give 'em some sun, they'll bounce right back.

[chuckles softly]

You're very wise, Lester.

[♪ Gentle melancholy music playing]

You know, I'm glad you're here.

Don't worry.

I just found out today I'm not going anywhere.

-[bird wings flapping] -[ambient city street noise]

[people chattering]

[Lester] After you.

After you.

[indistinct chatter]

After you.

Isn't it nice to have all these people walk past you without noticing?

Yeah, welcome to life as a postmenopausal woman.

[Uma] Ugh.

Have a good day, girls.

[♪ Emotive orchestra music playing]

-[people chattering] -[indistinct radio chatter]

-[Howard crying] -It's okay.

-You're gonna be okay. -Thanks, Lester.

[Nicky] Alright, Lester.

-Another big night, huh? -Mm.

Now, listen, it's a little heavier tonight, okay?

-Buy something shiny for the missus. -Yeah.

-Alright? -Yeah, yeah, sure.

You know wives, they're like ravens. They go crazy for that stuff. Huh?

-Yeah. Yeah, thanks. -Alright.

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

[Charles] You, give me your address and I'll send you a check for it! Geez.

Hey! Hey! You okay, Mr. Savage?

-Yeah. -You're short! You need to pay!

We came in from Atlantic City.

-He says I owe him a hundred and a half. -It's 400!

Four hundred?! What'd we do? Go by way of the Brooklyn Bridge?

Aw.

[traffic noise] Here. Here, here.

Thanks, Lester.

[car horn honking]

Ah! I had a bad night. It happens.

No judgment, Mr. Savage.

Uh, you'll bounce back soon. You're Brazzos.

No, Lester, I used to be Brazzos.

Eight to 10 million people used to tune in every Thursday night to watch me.

I had an anatomically correct McDonald's Happy Meal action figure.

I had two girlfriends at the same time.

And that was before it was cool.

And those auditions I go on?

They're not auditions, Lester.

They're... they're courtesy calls.

Here, here. Here's a deck of cards from the Nugget.

You keep 'em. I don't want 'em.

You know, you just need one thing to go right,

and, uh, you'll bounce back.

Hey, you know Harrison Ford?

Oh, don't mention Harrison Ford to me.

He beat me out for Secret Life of Pets 2.

Well, he was a late bloomer.

Maybe you are, too.

Ah.

It's getting pretty late, Lester.

-[fire alarm blaring] -[Lester] Let's keep safe, everybody!

Let's keep safe!

Let's go, let's go! We don't know if it's a fire...

Is this really necessary, Lester?

It took four people to get Winnie down ten flights of stairs.

Not sure what to tell you, Mr. Putnam. We're figuring it out.

Most folks are headed to Librizzi's, if you wanna join.

Oh, it's hard to get a table there, but okay.

[Lester] Okay, come on, keep moving, please.

[clapping hands] Please keep moving. Come on.

Come on, a little hustle, a little hustle.

[Charles] [over speaker] Welcome to Only Murders in the Building,

a true crime podcast.

I'm your host, Charles-Haden Savage.

A murder.

The killer must've walked right past my desk.

No, it's not your fault!

One murder in 30 years?

[♪ Dramatic music playing]

Four?

Oh, honey, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Four is a lot of murders.

I know. Might be time I get some help.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, Randall.

Today is gonna be a big day of training.

You're starting on a crazy week, though.

-We have a wedding. -A wedding?

Do you know if they're having a DJ or a band?

'Cause I... I gig.

Upright bass. It's what I play.

It's actually my plan in life.

Not this doorman... stuff.

No offense.

[♪ Plucky music playing]

You're not just opening doors for tenants.

You're sending them into the world or you're welcoming them back home.

Your job is to not miss one detail, no matter how small.

Years of notes in here.

-What's that? -It's nothing.

But if a man comes in with a white gardenia,

you don't talk to him. Only me, okay?

-You don't wanna get involved. Got it? -Okay.

-You're gonna love being married. -[Lester] You see it all, working here.

You're here for their highest highs and their lowest lows.

And if you're lucky like me,

you'll blink and fall in love with the place.

These buildings?

They could've switched to automatic doors years ago.

But they kept the doorman. Always a doorman.

But I think doing this job, you become part of a shared story.

The story of the building, and all of the people inside.

[sirens wailing]

There's something important about the simple role we play.

It's hard to put into words, but I think you'd feel it if we were gone.

[Oliver] It's just so bizarre.

I can't believe he's gone.

[phone chiming]

Guys, the police report just came in.

[group] Accidental death?

I mean, the guy fills a fountain with blood

in the most murderous building in New York,

and they say it's accidental?

So, we just assumed murder?

Well, believe it or not, Mabel, most old men do drop dead.

We youngins should be prepared

for Charles to do the same in the next two to four.

Excuse me? My doctor says

I have the resting heart rate of a dairy cow.

-[Oliver groans] -See, a bovine has, uh, four stomachs,

but one heart,

and stress can actually regulate.

Or we could just kill him now.

[♪ Pensive music playing]

[Mabel] It feels weird.

I mean, I guess someone could just die in our building.

So, what, there's no story here?

It's alright.

[panting]

There is no story.

[crank clanking]

I'm the guy who held the door.

-[water splashing] -[Lester grunting]

For us doormen, it's never about us.

[coughing]

You know what I used to say over and over?

What was it he used to say when he'd opened the door for us?

After you. After you.

After you. After you.

-"Watch your step!" -That's right.

-"Watch your step." -That was it.

-Yeah, yeah. -God.

Enough of me yapping.

I got a job to go do.

[grunting]

[kiss smacking] Ciao.

[♪ Dramatic somber music playing]

[metallic clang]

[♪ "There Will Never Be Another You" by Frances Faye playing]

♪ There will be many other nights like this ♪

♪ And I'll be standing here with someone new ♪

♪ There will be other songs to sing ♪

♪ Another fall, another spring ♪

♪ But there will never be another you ♪

♪ There will be other lips that I may kiss ♪

♪ But they won't thrill me like yours used to do ♪

♪ If there will never ♪

♪ Ever be a... ♪

♪ Another you ♪

[♪ song ends]

[♪ Fanfare playing]