Original subtitles

[keys clacking]

[typewriter dings]

Welcome to day 37 of The Box.

- Twice in one week. - It's my new favorite show.

[Matt] Liking those numbers, huh?

[Elliot] Liking them? They're what I think about

when I'm screwing my wife.

I really think we need to cut this whole bit with the boat.

- No, you can't do that. - You can't.

You need the boat bit.

Darling, sometimes you have

to let the words go.

- Do we? - [pencil snaps]

Where are we on my fucking window?

You're an actor.

Act like there's a window.

You're a producer.

Go fuck yourself.

Let's do it.

You don't need to mark it again?

No, no, no, I'm good. Let's go.

- Okay, on three. One, two-- - Mm-hmm.

- Wait, is it on three? - [blow lands]

- Good news? - You know that guy

who got my part in the NBC pilot?

Anthony Powner Smith.

Just had a kickboxing accident.

Paralyzed!

Oh, my God.

Well, temporarily-- but long enough

that he can't do the pilot.

You won't leave your house.

You're stoned before breakfast.

And you look like...

I look like what?

You look like what I imagine you'd look like

- if you'd never left Michigan. - [gasps]

[Kenny] Mr. Lapidus, Matt LeBlanc,

he's kind of having a sex thing with Danika.

Do me a favor, Kenny.

Switch the live feed to Danika's box.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

I take full responsibility.

[Merc] Ah, that's nice.

[keys clacking]

[typewriter dings]

[wind blows]

♪ quirky music ♪

♪♪♪

[gunshot]

- Have you seen this? - What?

The Matt LeBlanc show? Oh, yeah.

It's unbelievable.

What the hell was he thinking?

What was who thinking?

Are you kidding?

How have you not seen it?

Mm?

Mm.

Mm!

Jesus, it's fucking everywhere!

- [intercom beeps] - [Patty] Elliot Salad on one.

Shit.

Uh...

tell him you can't find me.

Then get me Roger Riskin!

[man over intercom] Helen Basch on one.

Shit.

Uh, tell her I'm in a meeting. Any luck?

I tried Malibu. I tried his ranch.

Try the vineyard.

Voice mail.

Fuck!

Well, keep trying. [phone clicks]

[buzzing]

[birds chirping]

[phone ringing]

Booth.

Yes, he is. Hold on.

Helen Basch for you.

Hello.

What kind of swirling vortex

of fuckup are you running over there?

No, no, no, no, no, you're not putting this on me.

It's not my job to keep his dick in his pants.

It's your job not to put it on television.

Who's watching the fucking monitors?

Believe me, that putz is long gone.

I canned his ass so fast.

Yeah, well, you're the one who put him in that booth.

- This is on you. - Bullshit.

Who made me hire LeBlanc in the first place?

Oh, no, you don't.

I gave you a whole list of hosts.

You gave me a stack of obituaries.

They weren't all dead.

All right.

Enough with the finger-pointing. So now what?

Dump him.

Are you crazy?

We don't need that asshole.

This show's been a hit in 41 countries without him.

No, it's the one thing I've got that's working.

- I'm not screwing with it. - It's already screwed.

America can't unsee what they saw.

America saw Ruby shoot Oswald. They'll get over it.

Look, I'm just gonna say one thing,

and I-I'm not pointing fingers.

This never would've happened

if we had gone with Art Fleming.

Art Fleming's been dead for 20 years!

Jesus, is it that long?

What am I looking at?

Just watch.

Oh...

[gasps]

Oh...my...

Mm-hmm.

No...oh.

No.

No, no, no.

Please tell me he's not gonna take it--

Oh, he took it out!

There's more.

Mo-more?

Oh. [gasps]

Oh! Good Lord.

Look at him go. I swear I just saw a spark.

Not over.

N-no.

No.

No. Oh!

No.

Ah! Tell me it's over.

Did he shake it yet?

- Just did. - It's over.

Oh. Oh!

It just passed 15 million views.

That's more than watch the fucking show.

It's already bigger than that chicken getting bar mitzvahed.

That really made me laugh.

He had a little yarmulke.

Patty, call Roger again!

Tell him I know that little shit's

- not in a meeting! - [Patty] Okay.

Pepsi just pulled out, and Ford is waffling.

God damn it.

Maybe we should preempt tonight.

- And run what? - I'd run the tape.

- [intercom buzzes] - [Patty] Roger's supposedly

still in a meeting, and Elliot Salad's on one.

Again.

[phone clicks]

Elliot.

Tell me we can fix this.

We're on it.

You hear that we lost Pepsi and Ford?

I heard Ford was waffling.

Well, whatever comes after waffling, they just did.

Also Kraft Mayonnaise.

Well, that makes sense.

It's visceral.

Oh, and we just had a call from the FCC.

They're raising questions about the integrity of the game.

Well, I've got Legal making sure

he didn't actually break any rules.

The rules?

Nobody understands those fucking rules.

This is about perception.

It looks like he broke the rules.

It looks like he broke the rules all over that box!

Mm.

- [intercom beeps] - [man] Helen Basch on one.

She says pick up or she's coming over with a bat.

Fuck.

- [phone clicks] - Good timing.

My meeting just ended. What can I do for you?

How about you invent a time machine,

go back to yesterday,

and cock-block your fucking client?

- Saw it, did you? - I saw it.

I think it's safe to say everyone but Andrea Bocelli

and that blind dog on YouTube saw it.

What blind dog on YouTube?

Oh, I'll send you the link. It barks "Georgia on My Mind."

Mm.

Look, Matt feels terrible.

He knows this was a massive lapse of judgment.

He'd love to speak to you and explain.

Fine, patch him in.

Uh,

we can totally do that.

[stammers] Except, um, at the moment--

You haven't even talked to him, have you?

As of right now, I believe I have not.

Well, when you do,

he better have a fucking miracle of an explanation,

because I need a really good reason not to fire his ass.

[phone clicks]

[cell phone buzzing]

Why are we still discussing this?

Just get rid of him.

Not till I hear his side of it.

Who cares about his side?

If this were any other game show--

what if you saw a video of Alex Trebek

jerking off on some contestant?

"What is not on my face," Alex?

There's no show without him.

He's the show!

Bullshit.

The show's the show.

Look at Millionaire.

Regis left years ago and it's still going strong.

Who knows who's hosting it now?

Not Art Fleming.

[phone clicks]

[cell phone buzzing]

[thud]

[muffled buzzing]

[line trills]

- [groans] - [buzzing continues]

- [phone clicks] - Mm.

Hi, honey, it's Beth.

- Mm. - So it's a clusterfuck.

What?

You, last night.

What?

You know, I'm gonna conference Roger in.

[phone clicks]

[Roger] Hey, bud.

What's going on?

We've got a bit of a problem here.

With what?

That little show you did last night?

Ah, you watched my show?

Oh, pretty much everyone watched your show.

Huh?

- The girl? - What girl?

Box number two?

Without the pants?

How do you know about that?

Um, 'cause I'm looking at it right now.

- You're looking at it? - From the feed.

- What feed? - The 24-hour feed?

[Beth] You know how at the end of every show, you say,

"Remember to follow us live online, 24 hours a day"?

That's what that means.

- [Beth] Yup. - Yup.

Oh, shit.

Where is it?

Oh, it's pretty much everywhere.

If you go to your kitchen,

your microwave's probably showing it.

[sighs] Fuck.

[groans]

- [keys clack] - Holy crap.

What's he doing?

Just watch.

Whoa.

You could see that thing from space.

[oh!]

[chuckling] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[gasps] Oh, my God!

You're welcome.

No.

Rosa just showed up. Shit.

Rosa?

My maid.

Is it Tuesday again?

Uh, yeah, it's been happening every week right around now.

Shit! She's getting out of the car.

Is this some kind of murdering maid?

Probably. I haven't paid her in, like, four weeks.

- Why? - 'Cause I've been

saving up to buy a pony.

- I'm broke! - That broke?

Yes, that broke.

Then why not just let her go?

I don't want to lose her.

No, of course not.

- [car door slams] - Oh, fuck!

Here she comes.

I'm gonna dead-bolt the door.

What's happening?

Shh!

[keys jingling]

- [thud] - Oh!

[panting]

[laughing] Hey, Rosa.

Hola.

Uh, I was just looking for my, um,

um...

[Beverly] Dignity?

[laughs] I...

Jesus.

Well, can't they just take the fucking thing down?

Honey, it's the Internet. There is no down.

So, uh, not to judge, but...

what the hell were you thinking?

I don't know.

I guess I was thinking,

"I sure wish I could get through that glass."

[chuckles]

Y-you're not getting how serious this is.

Look, I had a few beers. She was hot.

Realistically, how else was that gonna end?

Well, it might end with you out of a job.

Oh, come on.

They're freaking out over there.

It had nothing to do with their stupid game.

They're saying it looks like

you're giving one contestant

preferential treatment.

Fine.

I'll whack off on all their boxes.

Yeah, I'm not writing this down.

Wait a minute, if they fire me,

they still have to pay me, right?

No.

I thought we had a pay-or-play deal.

There's a morals clause.

A morals clause?

You never told me there was a morals clause.

I never thought it would matter.

With me?

You know what?

If they want to fire me, then fuck 'em.

You can't fuck 'em.

Oh, I can fuck 'em.

What about the money?

Fuck the money.

Never fuck the money!

[exhales]

You can't afford to fuck the money.

You know that.

So now what?

Beth?

Well, you start by releasing a statement

accepting full responsibility for your actions.

Fine.

You apologize

to the network and to your fans.

[Beth] You acknowledge you have a serious problem.

And then you say you're going into rehab

for sexual addiction.

No!

Look, this is bullshit.

I'm calling the network.

Do not call the network.

We will handle it.

I'm calling Elliot Salad.

Do not call Elliot Salad.

Why not? He loves me.

Listen to me,

do not call Elliot Salad.

I'm calling Elliot Salad.

I'm begging you,

do not call Elliot Salad!

You can't stop me from calling Elliot Salad.

I'm calling Elliot Salad.

[line clicks]

[man over intercom] Matt LeBlanc on one.

- [phone clicks] - Yeah?

I need Elliot Salad's number.

What happened to me?

I was important.

I had a career.

People brought me lunch.

They kissed my ass.

Now look at it.

It's just an ass.

[cell phone ringtone playing]

Do you need to get that?

[ringtone continues]

Mm.

It's like,

I remember this one particular day.

I was in New York for the up-fronts.

It was my first one.

I was so young.

And...in that one day,

I was in the room when they canceled the John Stamos show;

I saw Brooke Shields

in the lobby of my hotel;

and that night,

I blew Wilmer Valderrama

in the bathroom at the after party.

It was just the most magical day.

And I thought,

"Oh, my God.

Look at my life." [laughs]

And now?

Oh, my God.

Look at my life.

By the way,

thank you again for taking my watch.

It looks really good on you.

And I'm telling you it's worth

so much more than four weeks' pay.

[chuckles]

You did very well, my friend.

[sighs]

Kelsey Grammer once called me "fetching."

This is out.

[intercom beeps]

[woman over intercom] Matt LeBlanc on one.

Shit.

- [phone clicks] - Hello.

Hey, Elliot.

How's it going?

I've been better.

Yeah, look...

[sighs] I don't know what to say.

I am so sorry.

It was beyond stupid.

I cannot disagree.

If I could undo it, I would. I swear.

I feel terrible.

Well, you should.

What the hell was going through that brain of yours?

Nothing. That's the problem.

I just saw her, and she was there, and--

Yeah, well, I gotta say, I can't fault your taste in women.

That girl is something.

I know, right?

And she was doing yoga.

I hear you.

There's something about a woman

who can put her heels behind her ears.

Thank you.

I mean, how do you say no to that?

Funny thing, looking at you with that girl in the box

took me back to something that happened to me

which was not entirely dissimilar.

No kidding?

This is years ago.

Just off Times Square.

Near Nathan's. You remember Nathan's?

Sure.

I was walking down the street.

And I saw this woman in a phone booth.

She was magnificent.

A body to die for.

Like a young Cyd Charisse. You remember Cyd Charisse?

Totally.

Singing in the Rain?

The Band Wagon--

Band Wagon, sure.

Anyway, it was

a hot summer night,

even hotter in that phone booth with the door closed.

So I'm standing there,

watching her,

kind of in the shadows.

And I notice this one

little bead of sweat

slowly rolling down her bare shoulder.

And she turns,

and her eyes catch mine.

It was this charged erotic moment.

And much like you and your girl in the box,

it led to some, uh,

self-pleasuring,

if you catch my drift.

I'm catching it.

Of course,

my situation was slightly different in that

she had no idea what was happening.

When she looked down

and saw what I was doing, she let out a-a scream.

It was so loud, you could hear it

through the glass with the door closed.

But that's all I needed.

By the time the cops came,

I was done, zipped up, and halfway down 46th Street.

Wow.

You don't see phone booths anymore.

And they call that progress.

Right.

Anyway, the show.

So...we're okay?

Well, let us think about it.

We'll discuss.

But I'm really glad you called.

Me too.

Thank you so much.

[woman over intercom] Elliot Salad on one.

[phone clicks]

Fire him.

You sure?

Yeah, that guy should not be hosting a family show.

Gives me the creeps.

[cell phone ringtone playing]

[chuckles]

Yo.

Bad news, bud.

What?

I just talked to Elliot Salad.

He-he said he was gonna think about it.

Well, he...thought about it.

[sighs]

Fuck!

♪♪♪

- Well done. - That was great, thank you.

[Sean] Thank you so much for coming in.

I liked her a lot.

She made some very smart choices.

Mm.

I thought she was a bit rumpy.

As in?

Too much rump.

- Too much rump. - Mm.

Switch seats with me.

Who's next?

Uh, Anthony Powner Smith.

- No. No, no, no, no. - What?

We had this conversation.

- Did we? - You know we did.

It was the day you brought in your apple crumble.

Mmm, I remember the crumble.

I'm sure you'll recall,

as you were whipping your cinnamon cream,

we had a vehement conversation about Anthony Powner Smith.

We were absolutely explicit about not bringing him in.

He's a brilliant actor.

- Absolutely. - Yes.

No question, and...

paralyzed, brilliantly paralyzed.

Well, I'm sorry if you two have issues with hiring the disabled.

Nothing to do with him being disabled.

No, no, no, the whole conceit of our show

is that everyone plays two very different parts.

If he's in a wheelchair for both of them,

that hardly makes him chameleon-like.

Well, they'd obviously be different chairs.

Look, it's five minutes

out of your oh-so-busy lives.

Who knows? He might surprise you.

By tap-dancing.

[gasps] That is wildly offensive.

You're wildly offensive.

So, um, should I bring him in?

- [Tim] Absolutely. - [Sean] Well, he's here now.

[Beverly] Well, we can't not, um...

Anthony?

[chair whirs]

Hello, good people.

- [Sean] Hello, ah. - [Tim] Welcome.

[Beverly] Thank you so much for coming in.

- [Sean] Ah. - [Beverly laughs nervously]

Ah! Hang on.

Bit of a snag.

[clears throat]

I was going to say, I--

Almost.

It's all about the trajectory.

Can we help?

No, no, I've got it.

Um, it's--

Just, uh--

Happens all the time.

You sure? We--

Oh, no, no, I can totally do it.

[chair motor sputtering]

Ah. There we go-- No, hang on.

I made it a little worse here.

Bloody fucker!

This chair seems to expand in the heat.

Well, it is a very narrow doorframe.

Oh, it's ridiculously narrow.

Runway models would get stuck there.

[motor running]

Are you sure we can't help?

- No, I've got it! - No, no rush.

We're-we're going nowhere.

[motor running]

[gasps, breathes heavily]

[sighs]

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Is your hand bleeding?

Hmm? Oh.

Hardly. It's fine.

No worries.

[Sean] So welcome.

- So thrilled you could come in. - Wow, what a treat.

- Huge fans. - Especially me.

Oh, you're very kind.

Say, uh, it's a wonderful script.

Oh, thank you.

[Anthony] It's very, very funny.

Both, uh--both roles so... [smacks lips]

so tasty.

Uh, by the way,

if there is any concern

about the chair--

- What? The chair? No. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can assure you that I will be out of it

by the time we're ready to shoot.

Uh, that's wonderful, but, um,

that is in only three weeks.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

That's-that's a little

sooner than I was told.

But I'm sure I'll be fine by then.

[clears throat]

Right, well, uh.

Shall we-- shall we read a little?

- [Beverly] Yes. - [Sean] Please.

Maybe we can start with Reg,

the scene with his daughter?

- Reg it is. - Great choice.

I'll be reading with you. Ready?

Let's do it.

"Dad, get down from there."

♪♪♪

What?

Just wanted to say good-bye.

And then I wanted to watch you leave.

[scoffs]

Dick.

Aw, I'm gonna miss these little talks.

Shame this didn't work out.

But hey, we had a good run.

You remember when all you wanted was a window?

I don't need a window.

I could throw you through a wall.

[chuckling] Whoa, please, do it.

That's just what your career needs.

One more nail. [chuckles]

Oh, oh-oh-oh.

In case you were wondering,

there's a camera on every one of those boxes.

Who do you think decided to stay on you?

You don't have the ball

to do that.

No?

Well, then you killed your own fucking show.

Well, I think we're gonna be all right.

I just got word we're very close

to signing Mr. Howie Mandel.

Yeah? Great.

That's right.

It's time to pass the old baton.

He probably won't touch it,

but who can blame him?

[Matt scoffs]

Oh, by the way,

let me know if you need any more boxes.

♪ light music ♪

And then watching him try to get out the door at the end.

Longest 45 minutes of my life.

Like watching Stephen Hawking thread a needle.

[laughs]

Oh, look.

Well, I'm out of here.

We've been trying to call you all day.

Yeah, I had to turn my phone off.

Oh, my God, it's everywhere.

[scoffs] You think?

In the room, we've been calling it "Mattstergate."

[both chuckle]

- Just... - It's just a...

- Once or twice. - A bit of wordplay.

Well, they fired me.

- What? No. - Oh, my God.

Get in. I don't want anyone to see me.

Might want to put up your top, then.

It's nice out.

Just get in.

[Beverly] Uh, where are we going?

[Matt] Anywhere but here.

[Sean] I'm afraid we're due back in the room.

[Beverly] And our car's here.

I just got fired and my dick's online.

Yeah, right, you win.

♪♪♪

You realize, when I die,

this is what they're gonna remember me for?

After everything else,

it'll be this one stupid thing.

I know.

It doesn't seem fair to all

the other stupid things you've done.

[scoffs] I'm serious.

This is gonna follow me for the rest of my life.

You don't know. Give it time.

People forget.

They're still talking about Janet Jackson's nipple.

And that didn't squirt anything at anybody.

You have ruined so many meals for me.

It's such bullshit.

There are people who've committed real crimes

and aren't in jail.

Uh, you realize you're not in jail either?

Well, I can't go home.

Because you have paparazzi in front of your house.

Houses.

Houses.

[lively music plays on TV]

Ugh, it's on.

You-you don't have to watch it.

Well, it's the last one I'm on.

I should see it.

Good evening, I'm Merc Lapidus, executive producer of The Box.

Fuck me.

The episode you're about to see

was filmed last night before the unfortunate incident

I'm sure you're all aware of.

Scumbag.

We considered postponing tonight's broadcast,

but we felt it wouldn't be fair to the contestants

or the millions of fans of the game.

Be balder!

We apologize to anyone who may have been offended

by the images you saw today.

They don't reflect the spirit of good, clean fun

that this game represents.

"Good, clean." They shit in those boxes.

I hope you continue to join us as we move forward

from this regrettable event.

And now, without further ado,

enjoy The Box.

- [dramatic music playing on TV] - [announcer] Seven people...

- [intercom beeps] - [Patty] Elliot Salad on one.

[phone clicks]

Holy shit.

Are you looking at these overnights?

Seriously, holy shit!

We haven't seen numbers like this since 9/11.

So now what?

Oh, there's no question.

He's back in?

He was never out.

[sighs]

[cell phone ringtone playing]

[Beverly] Phone!

[grunts]

[ringtone continues]

Mm?

You sitting down?

Sort of.

Numbers through the roof!

No shit?

All is forgiven. You're back.

In fact, they're adding another night!

Seriously?

Yup!

Get your ass down there.

You got a show to shoot.

Mm.

We'll see.

He has demands?

What can I say?

He appreciates the added value he now brings to the show.

He masturbated in front of America.

And America said,

"Thank you."

What does he want?

He wants what?

A guaranteed series with 13 on the air.

Jesus Christ.

[Helen] He wants to act.

Oh, and he wants one other thing.

[hammer pounding]

[tools scraping]

[sighs] You wanted to see me?

Yup.

That's it. Just wanted to see you.

You know,

in the light.

[announcer] As we open up The Box...

[cheers and applause]

Anybody got any Windex?

[laughter and applause]

[man, shouting] Hey, Matt!

[keys clacking]

♪ quirky music ♪

♪♪♪