Original subtitles

[keys clacking]

[typewriter dings]

I'm not gonna be a fucking game show host.

This could be serious money for you,

and right now,

you need serious money.

I don't have to like you. You don't have to like me.

- Not to worry. - I'm excited about this.

Yeah, I know you are.

When I read the thing, I was like,

"Oh, my God, they're making our show."

No, actually, the show Bev and I are doing is vastly different

from that thing you and I kicked around.

Well, that's not true.

I'm not going to let my personal issues get in the way.

For which we are very, very appreciative.

That said, there's one small change that I'd like to make.

I'm so sorry I'm late. This is exciting, isn't it?

I think it's best if Tim

runs the show.

♪ dramatic music ♪

[keys clacking]

[typewriter dings]

[wind blows]

♪ quirky music ♪

♪♪♪

[gunshot]

[announcer] Previously on The Box,

it was payback time for Jessica

when Kojo disadvantaged her with 100 hamsters.

- That's too many hamsters. - [announcer] Everyone assumed

she would retaliate, but Jessica had a bigger plan.

She and Jonathan formed an alliance

and pooled their points.

They gave Kelsey 48 hours of Gilbert Gottfried in her box.

- Gilbert Gottfried. - [Matt] Gilbert Gottfried.

"And Abimelech said,

'What did thou see?'"

[announcer] Meanwhile, Zach lowered Rafe's ceiling,

so Rafe paid Zach back by filling his box with hay.

It turned out to be the last straw,

and on day 36,

Zach was eliminated

from the game.

With only six players left,

Danika went on a winning streak.

- Yes! - [announcer] Answering four

primo questions in a row... [Matt speaking indistinctly]

amassing a total of 46 advantages.

- That is correct. - Yes, whoo!

- [audience cheers] - [announcer] Will she use them

- to exact revenge on Jonathan? - [crying]

[announcer] Or will she spend them

on a major luxury item for herself?

Find out tonight as we open up The Box.

[announcer] 7 people...

17 weeks...

only one will beat

The Box.

♪ upbeat music ♪

Okay, standby to cue Matt.

Cue Matt.

[cheers and applause]

Welcome to day 37 of The Box.

Let's get right to it

and see what our box-mates are up to.

I have a feeling that Kelsey might just be

at the end of her rope.

[Gilbert Gottfried] "And the Lord spoke to Moses saying,

'Let the children of Israel

go out of your land.'"

- [audience laughs] - Sorry to interrupt.

Kelsey, gotta ask,

is this the worst disadvantage so far?

Oh, yeah. No question.

- God will smite you for that. - [audience laughs]

So, Gilbert, how's it going for you?

Oh, it's a festival of joy and light in here.

Having a good time, are you?

How could I not, being stuck in a box

with young Kathy Bates?

All right, we'll check back in with you soon.

"And Moses said..."

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

- Danika. - Hi, Matt.

So, 46 advantages.

More than anyone in the game so far.

- Yay me. - Everyone's dying to know.

Are you gonna use 'em to do something

even worse to Jonathan?

Although I don't know what that could possibly be.

Or are you gonna buy something incredible for yourself?

- I think-- - Wait, wait, don't answer yet.

We'll find out when we come back.

Right after this.

- [cheers and applause] - Camera four.

[man] And we're out.

- You are killing it. - Just saying the words.

- It's so fun. - Such a good show tonight.

What do you think she's gonna do with her advantages?

I don't fucking care.

Ah, and look who's here.

Hey, twice in one week.

Are you kidding? I can't stay away.

- It's my new favorite show. - Liking those numbers, huh?

Liking 'em?

They're what I think about when I'm screwing my wife.

[Merc] Whoa, what a great crowd!

- [cheers and applause] - [laughs]

I'm gonna show you all a little something

that's gonna be hitting the newsstands tomorrow.

Guess who's on the cover of this week's People magazine?

Matt Le Box!

Come on over here.

[cheers and applause]

Very impressive.

You're right up there with JonBenét

and some girl who lost 80 pounds.

All right, go fuck yourself.

[cheers and applause]

- [Matt] Yeah. - Cover of People.

Not bad. [laughs]

Also, by the way, you are going to be

on their World's Most Beautiful List.

Oh, haven't been on that in ten years.

Well, you're beautiful again, my friend.

More important, what do you got for me?

Well, you received a very generous offer

from Celebrity Wife Swap.

I'm not doing Wife Swap.

Celebrity Wife Swap.

I'm not even fucking married.

It's a good offer.

- [man] Hey, Matt! - Ugh, I'm talking about acting.

Look, everybody loves you. You know that.

But this is how they see you now.

As a fucking game show host?

I've been doing this for five minutes.

- I've been an actor for-- - I know, I know.

Well, what about the network? Elliot Salad just told me

I'm what he thinks about when he's inside his wife.

That's gotta be good for 13 on air.

Look, this is the box that they like you in.

Well, what if I don't like this box?

Ah, come on. It's a nice box.

It's a box full of money.

- Matt, 20 seconds. - [grunts]

Can't you just look at it as reinventing yourself?

As a shittier version of me?

[male stage manager] We're back in ten, people.

[cheers and applause]

Cue music.

♪ dramatic music ♪

- So, Danika, 46 advantages. - Yep.

If you really wanna get back at Jonathan,

- you've got... - [audience laughs]

- Honey and feathers. - [crowd groaning]

- Hideous stench. - [crowd groaning]

And finally, 200 live frogs

- ready to drop. - [audience groaning]

There's a reason they were a plague

in the Bible.

I'm sure Gilbert

could tell us something about that.

Don't interrupt me.

It's gettin' to the fun part.

It's not looking good for Lot's wife.

Or you could buy a luxury item for yourself.

With 46 advantages, you could get...

ooh, mattress and pillows...

Mm.

A steak dinner with all the fixings.

TV for a week

or a warm, soapy shower.

- So, Danika.

[audience whoops, whistles]

What's it gonna be?

[audience] Shower!

I need an answer.

[audience shouting variously]

Matt, I've gotta pick...

the shower.

All right, 46 advantages,

give Danika a warm, soapy shower.

All right, go ahead and cue the shower.

- [sighs and groans] - [crowd cheering]

♪ sensual music ♪

♪♪♪

[audience whoops]

♪♪♪

I love this fucking show.

Mmm.

♪ quirky music ♪

♪♪♪

[sighs]

♪ dramatic music ♪

[muffled shouting and straining]

♪♪♪

[breathing heavily]

[phone ringing]

Hello.

[Beverly] Tim, it's Beverly.

I'm afraid I can't come in today.

Sean is dead.

What? Oh, my God.

I know. But what can you do?

You can't come to work when your husband's dead.

There really is no excuse better than that.

Sean is dead?

- [Beverly] As a doornail. - [man] What?

- [overlapping murmurs] - So, who knows

when I'll be back.

I've got all kinds of widow-y things to do,

and then there's the trauma.

[exasperated sigh]

In all likelihood,

you and I will never, ever

see each other again. [laughs softly]

Good-bye, Tim.

Good luck with the show. [laughs softly]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[alarm beeping]

Morning.

[gasps]

- What? - No, nothing.

[laughs softly]

[sighs]

♪ quirky music ♪

Any other thoughts on page 19?

19? 19?

19? No?

Page 20.

I really think we need to cut this whole bit with the boat.

What? No! No, you can't do that.

No, you can't--you need the boat bit.

Yes, I realize it was in your original draft,

but, darling, sometimes you have to let the words go.

- Do we? - [pencil snaps]

Look, if--if you cut the bit with the boat,

it's all exposition.

The boat bit's the only funny part of the scene.

Hope we're not keeping things in just because they're funny.

In...

the comedy.

Oh, you two are so old-school.

Comedies don't have to be funny anymore.

Some of the biggest comedies aren't even remotely funny.

Audiences don't need your little jokes

and your laughs and your humor anymore.

You just have to end after 30 minutes.

That's it, bang, you're a comedy.

We are not cutting the boat bit.

The scene needs

the whimsy.

All right, scary.

No need to get fractious.

You know what?

We can decide this after lunch.

We--no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I have a surprise.

I made my famous Vietnamese noodles.

- [writers murmuring] - At least something good

- came out of your little war. - [scattered clapping]

I thought you said we could take off for lunch today.

I know, but then I got inspired. [chuckles]

Now, remind me who's allergic to peanuts?

[quietly] The only thing missing

- is the bars on the windows. - [woman] I'm allergic to nuts.

- [man] I'll eat yours. - It does smell delicious.

- I hope you're joking. - Mm-hmm.

In this new way where we don't have to be funny.

[breathing rapidly]

♪♪♪

See? You follow it in the air,

and then it shows you where it lands.

It's just like playing on a real course.

You know what's even more like a real course?

- A real course. - Yeah, but this way

you can play anywhere in the world.

As long as you're downstairs in your basement.

So where are we now?

Uh, St. Andrews in Scotland.

Oh, my brother actually lives ten minutes from there.

- Oh, yeah? - Maybe after the game

we can swing by.

You're kind of an asshole in Scotland.

Holy shit.

I was picturing Tim's head.

I don't know why you're still workin' with that douchenozzle.

We have no choice. We don't.

It's still our show. We have a financial stake.

We can't let him destroy it completely.

But you're there, like, every night.

Because the twat has no life.

Look, you're the one who said to go for the money.

Well, so stop complaining.

I'm not complaining.

- I'm golfing. - So golf.

I still think you're wusses.

Jesus.

Tim again?

Actually, that was you that time.

♪ upbeat music ♪

[knocks on door]

Coming.

So, if Mohammed won't come to the mountain,

the mountain will come to Mohammed.

With bagels.

Ah...

did you get poppy?

No, the mountain could only get sesame and plain.

Mm, Mohammed is pissed.

[chuckles awkwardly] Even in your kitchen,

I'm not comfortable with this conversation.

So...

how are you?

Great.

I am.

I am.

Oh, good, you got the chive cream cheese.

Oh, and there's, uh, half a pound of nova.

Not really a smoked fish person.

Really?

Mm. I just assumed.

- What? - You know, being...

- What? - Jewish.

- No? - [scoffs]

You thought I was Jewish?

- Well, you know, Rance. - [laughs]

And, I don't know,

- show business. - [laughing]

Yeah, no, I'm not Jewish. [laughs]

Well, you don't have to say it like that.

- I'm Jewish. - You're Jewish?

Or like that. Yes, I'm Jewish.

How did I not know this?

You don't look Jewish,

and I mean that as a compliment.

You should probably stop.

Oh, wow.

- Is Sean Jewish? - No.

'Cause he actually looks a little...

- Seinfeld-y. - I really think we should

move away from the whole "looks Jewish" arena.

Gotcha. [laughs]

- It's just the-- - No.

Okay.

- Aren't you gonna toast it first?

- No. - Or is that

just a Semitic thing?

I'm hungry.

Are you stoned already?

No. Why?

- It's not even 9:15. - [gasps]

What?

It's not like I have to be somewhere.

Okay, I realize this is

- a difficult time, but-- - I'm fine.

- Will you stop saying you're "fine"?

- You are not fine. - [sighs]

You won't leave your house,

you're stoned before breakfast,

and you look like...

What?

I look like what?

You look like what I imagine you'd look like

if you'd never left Michigan.

- [gasps] - [toaster dings]

- [gasps and grunts] - Oh.

Look, I'm sorry, but you need to hear it.

You have to get out.

You can't just spend every day doing nothing.

- I don't do nothing. - What did you do yesterday?

- I woke up. - You're counting waking up

as something you did?

I didn't have to!

[sighs]

All I'm saying is you can't let this defeat you.

- You've got to-- - What?

Get a job?

I am poison in this town.

God knows what Helen's saying about me.

So who's gonna give me a recommendation?

Castor? I don't even know

if they've released him yet.

But all those years of building "relationships."

- [scoffs] - Surely someone can help you.

You had friends at the network.

Are you kidding?

Myra blew me off.

Oy.

Have you always said that?

[keys clacking]

- [typewriter dings] - [Tim] Anything else

on page 20?

[Tim] Page 20?

[Tim] Page 20?

Oh, look, it's TV's Joey.

Excuse us.

I keep calling you guys. You're not picking up.

Tim doesn't allow phones in the room.

Allow? Jesus, you're pussies.

Actually, with everyone's phone going off,

we'd never get any work done.

And we're pussies.

And we're pussies.

Anyway, so...

Uh, I just got tickets for Madonna tonight.

- Wanna come? - Mmm.

- Madonna, really? - They're free.

- What time? - And they're her seats,

so they're probably really good.

- Whose seats? - Madonna's.

How'd you get Madonna's seats?

- She called me. - You know Madonna?

Yeah, I know Madonna. Why can't I know Madonna?

- How? - For, like, 30 years.

Since she was like a virgin. I met her at The Factory.

- What Factory? - Andy Warhol's Factory?

- You knew Andy Warhol? - Yeah,

why can't I know Andy Warhol? Blondie introduced us.

All right, that-- just--just stop it.

I'm telling you, you guys are

the least interesting people I know.

Aww.

- So you wanna come or not? - [sighs]

There's no way he's letting us out.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Excuse me, Tim. Hello.

Uh, I was wondering if there was any chance

of getting out a little early tonight.

- Yes. - [Sean] We've only got,

like, five pages left.

Eh, sure enough. Should be able to do it.

- [writers murmuring] - Depending on how long you two

- stand out there yammering. - [man laughs]

- He's got a face for punching. - Mm.

- How you doing? - [noncommittal grunt]

[keys clacking]

[typewriter dings] [Tim] And then Reg could say...

"What does a guy have to do to get a cookie around here?"

[forced laughter]

"Damn cookie" or just "cookie"?

I don't think you need the "damn."

"What does a guy have to do to get a cookie around here?"

[light chuckling]

"To get a damn cookie around..."

"To get a cookie..."

I swear to God, my fingers are digging into the table.

There is wood under my nails.

You--you know what? Let's just

- stick with the "damn." - [all] Yes.

- Definitely. - Much better.

- Do that. - [both] Yep, yep.

Uh, so then Mrs. Carlson says--

Hang on. Is it too long?

[sighs] It's too long, right?

How about just,

"I want a cookie. Where's my cookie?"

- [forced laughter] - [Tim] Yeah?

[laughing weakly] That is funny.

- So then-- - Or maybe with a handle.

Put "My God" in front of it.

"My God, what does a man have to do

to get a damn cookie around here?"

- [forced laughter] - [Sean] Perfect.

- [Beverly] You've got it. - Perfect!

Sold.

- [Sean] Okay, okay, okay, okay. - [Beverly] So then,

- Mrs. Carlson says-- - [Tim] Sorry.

Is there something funnier than "cookie"?

Oh, I think it's funny enough.

It is, as you say...a comedy.

Uh, maybe a particular kind of cookie?

Oreos? Tollhouse?

- H--help me here. - Chips Ahoy?

- Mallomar? - Hydrox?

- Mint Milano? - Nilla Wafer?

- Mint Milano? - Girl Scout Cookie?

- Moon Pie? - Fig Newton?

- Ginger Snap? - Mint Milano?

Did someone say "fudgy"? Fudgy's funny.

"Fudgy" is funny.

- "Fudgy's" not funny. - No.

"What does a man have to do

to get a damn fudgy around here?"

I love it.

We are crazy if we don't go with that.

- Yeah? - [all] Yes.

Ah, moving on.

Hand me one of those crackers, would you?

Hm?

Did you say "crackers"?

Instead of "cookie"? That's interesting.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I was just asking Bev for--

No, no, no, you're-- you're right.

I like--uh, "cookie's" so expected,

but what kind of cracker?

- Mm. - Ritz?

- Triscuit? - Saltine?

- Triscuit? - Wheat Thin?

- [man] Cheez-it? - [woman] Triscuit?

You saw--

I did not--I wasn't--

that wasn't--that was n--

I did not-- You--you--you w--

you heard me. I was just asking...

- [cheers and applause] - [Matt] That's our show.

Remember to follow us live online 24 hours a day,

and be back here tomorrow night...

- [man] Six. - [Matt] when we'll be

one step closer to finding out

- who will beat The Box. - [man] Jessica.

[Matt] Good night!

Show's over. Thank you very much, folks!

[cheers and applause]

- [man] Good job, Matt! - [woman] We love you, Matt!

Hey, Gilbert, listen.

Thanks so much for doing this.

Jesus Christ,

it smells like a vagina's vagina in there.

You gotta let these people bathe.

That one got to take a shower.

Well, next time, put me in her box.

And I mean that in the biblical sense.

[laughs]

♪ upbeat music ♪

[sighs]

Hey.

Hey!

You hear me? I said, "Hey."

[clears throat] I heard you.

Yeah, where are we on my fucking window?

Uh, nowhere. Because like I told you,

you're not gettin' a fucking window.

No one has a window.

I don't have a window.

Why should you get a window?

Because I'm the star of the fucking show.

Yeah? Well, Mr. Ed was the star

of Mr. Ed, but he still had to shit in a barn.

The title's overrated.

Remember when I screwed your wife?

Yeah.

That's it. Just wanted you to remember.

You are so never getting a window.

Oh, I'm gettin' a window.

You know what? You're an actor.

Act like there's a window.

You know what? You're a producer.

Go fuck yourself.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Did you know that the secret

to making the perfect crepe

is to chill the batter the night before.

[all] Hmm.

Here's a notion,

why don't we keep working

while we eat our crepes.

What? No.

We should at least take a moment to savor them.

Well, slightly more than a moment,

because don't forget, I've gotta do

a gluten free batch for Amanda.

Jesus, Amanda, eat the gluten.

- It's the best part. - [Beverly] Right.

Hi, see... [laughs]

Here's the thing. It seems like

we have a chance to get out of here

at a reasonable hour tonight, for once.

I say, we grab it.

Just because you two have some kind of plans.

Not just us.

We have all worked every night

for the last six weeks.

I'm using "worked" in the broadest sense,

including not only our show,

but your cooking show

and helping you to pick out a cat,

and while we all appreciate the food

and we love Mr. Swizzleboots,

I'm sure, everybody here would also love

to get home to their families.

We're just asking

for one night off.

[pan sizzling]

Well...

not quite sure what to say.

Just thought the crepes would be a special treat,

but...we--we don't have to have 'em.

Not if people don't want them.

[all] No, we do.

Let's have the crepes.

Well, now you're just saying it.

- [all] No, no, we really do.

- They smell delicious. - Let's have the crepes.

That's the gluten.

And as far as taking a night off,

I suppose we could,

I mean, if people would rather go home than

get the job done.

Sorry.

I don't mean to be overly professional,

but I think the work has to come first.

Now, who's having apples and who's having cheese?

- [woman] Oh, uh, apples for me. - [woman] Cheese.

[man] I'm allergic to cheese.

♪♪♪

[grunts]

[exhales]

[sighs]

[Sean] It's us. We're still in crepe hell.

We're never getting out of here.

No apples on mine.

[ooh...]

Ah.

[light tapping sound]

[squeaking on glass]

[thud]

[whispering] Ohh...

[sighs]

[phone ringing]

[inhales sharply, grunts]

- Yeah? - [Kenny] Oh, Mr. Lapidus.

I'm sorry to call so late,

but, um, we kind of have a situation here.

Uh, Matt LeBlanc is down on the stage.

- Now? - [Kenny] Yeah, he's, um...

well, he's kind of having a sex thing

with, uh--with Danika.

Hang on, hang on.

Let me turn on my feed.

[grunts]

[clears throat]

[exhales]

Holy shit.

Don't worry, none of it has gone out.

So long as I stay off Danika's camera,

nobody can see it, but I thought you should know.

No, no, no, no, I'm glad you called.

You--you did the right thing.

Do me a favor, Kenny.

Switch the live feed to Danika's box.

No, I'm saying, if you stay off of Danika's camera, then--

No, no, no, no, I hear you. Just--just switch it.

It's fine.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely.

I take full responsibility. Just switch it,

and let it run.

Wow.

I--okay, okay.

[laughs softly] Oh, and do me a favor.

Zoom in on Matt.

Yeah, that's nice.

Thanks for calling, Kenny.

You have a good night.

[keys clacking]

[typewriter dings]

♪ quirky music ♪

♪♪♪