Original subtitles

[keys clacking]

- I have been hearing such great things about your new show.

- Have you? - Oh, that's so nice.

- Word around town? A-ma-zing.

- Lunch is on me.

- Lunch is always on you.

What'd help is a job. You got one of those?

- [chuckling] Hey, I'm not a magician.

- Yeah, well, you better pull something out of your ass.

- What magic shows did you go to?

- I need a pet name for Helen.

- Really? Pet names already?

- I know.

It's like we're on some kind of accelerated lesbian calendar.

Like, three days is a week.

If I were a dog, I'd be dead by now.

[keys clacking]

[wind blows]

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

[gunshot]

- Hey, look at this.

It's the set model for our new show.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

They're actually building the entire house on the stage.

Three stories, and all these walls come out,

so they can shoot from one floor to another.

- Huh.

Anyway, you got to see this.

- Well, that's a vagina.

- Yeah. My kid did it.

- Aw, even more disturbing.

- Not the six-year-old, the eight-year-old.

- How are you not in prison?

- Come on. It's art.

- Or evidence.

- Picture's up.

- All right, got to go be somewhat amusing.

Can I leave this here?

- No.

Please take your twat and go.

- [scoffs]

Hey, check it out. My kid did this.

- You know what really bothers me?

- Besides the eight-year-old drawing beaver shots?

- You notice he wasn't the least bit interested

in our thing.

- Well, I've got to say, a set model versus kiddie porn?

- No, that's not the point.

If it's not about him, he couldn't care less.

- Right, he's self-involved. He's narcissistic.

He's... [gasps]

an actor.

I know it's hard to remember

given his work on this show.

- Just so bloody one-sided.

You realize he's never even asked to read our script?

Everyone in town has read it.

Wouldn't you think he'd be slightly curious?

- Maybe he read it and didn't like it.

Maybe he's just trying to spare our feelings.

- Does that sound like him? - Mm.

Well, then, if he doesn't want to read it, who cares?

What, you need his informed literary opinion?

- No, it's just--

- Who he is.

Please let it go.

Just compliment his son's vagina and leave it at that.

- So we, um--

we have our first notes on the script for the new show.

- Yeah? - Mm.

It's amazing. Virtually nothing.

- Wow.

- It's a little disconcerting, all this unbridled praise.

Everyone just seems to love it.

- That's great.

I'm thinking of getting a drone. - A drone?

- Yeah, anyone can buy them now.

- What would you do with a drone?

- I don't know, drone stuff.

Look at the tops of birds,

see my roof,

drop shit on Burt Bacharach's house.

- Why Burt Bacharach? - It's a whole thing.

But he'll know.

- So you haven't by any chance read it, have you?

- What?

- Our script. - No.

- Oh, good.

For a second, I was afraid you might be the one person

who read it and didn't love it.

- Oh, not to worry.

I could take pictures of Suzanne Somers.

- What? - With my drone.

She lives next to me.

Her gardener told my gardener that she lies out naked.

I'd drone that. - Right.

[exhales]

Quick question. - Hmm?

- What is wrong with you?

Why don't you want to read it? - What?

- Our script. Why don't you want to read it?

- Whoa, okay, fine. I'll read it.

- Oh, no, don't do me any favors.

I don't need a mercy read.

- All right.

- Seriously? You're not gonna read it?

- Okay, I don't know what you want here.

- I would like, just for once, for you to be interested

in something that's important to me.

- Shouldn't we be sleeping together

to be having this conversation?

- Fine.

- [exhales] Please can I read your script?

- No.

- You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm a selfish asshole. - Agreed.

- I really want to read it.

- Really? - Yes.

- All right.

As long as you're not doing it

just because I pressured you into it.

- Oh, well... - What?

- I'm kidding. Jesus.

And by the way, I know I don't say it enough,

but you're the prettiest girl in the room.

Yeah, that's gonna be on TMZ.

[keys clacking]

- Where are we on the Angry Men rewrite?

- I think some of them are still too angry.

- [sighs] Is he ever gonna get there?

Should we just pull the plug on this thing?

- Probably. I don't think he's capab--

[gags]

- Are you okay?

- Mm-hmm. [swallows]

Sorry.

I just don't think he's-- [gags]

- Do you need to-- - Mm-hmm.

- Wow.

- Do you think she's ever gonna tell us?

- Are we absolutely sure?

- Oh, please.

- What month do you think she's in?

- 11th? 12th?

- And there's definitely no boyfriend?

- Not that I know of.

She lives alone.

She just has those two cats.

- Maybe she's having a cliché.

- Oh.

[intercom buzzes]

- Carol, Helen needs to see you.

- Okay.

Right back.

- Morning.

- Hey.

- How was your weekend?

- Eh, quiet.

- What did you do?

- Nothing, really.

Hung out, watched TV.

- Read anything?

- Actually, I'm reading this book on tape.

It's really cool.

It's about how if Hitler had won the war--

I'll tell you, we sure dodged a bullet there.

[chuckles]

What?

Oh! Oh, oh, right. - Right.

- I'm gonna get to it as soon as I get a free minute.

- You had the whole bloody weekend.

- I said I'll read it.

- It's 28 pages.

It's not the fucking Goldfinch.

- I don't know-- - It's a thick book.

- Got you. - Unbelievable.

- Knock, knock. What's up?

- I believe there is something for you on my desk.

- What is this?

What did you do?

- Open it.

- [sighs] You should not have done this.

[chuckles]

Oh, my God.

This is--

No one has ever--

I can't even--

I can't--

I can't--

I can't breathe.

- Calm down. You're breathing.

- A key?

After two weeks?

It's just-- it's too much too fast.

Oh, did I tell you?

She already invited me to Stanford

for her daughter's graduation.

- Aw. - In June.

- Well, that's not so--

- No, not this June. Next June.

- Oh. - Oh, God.

What is wrong with me?

I should be happy.

This-- it's like a dream come true,

and I'm getting hives.

- Oh, that is definitely hive-y.

- All right, stop looking.

- Okay. Okay, listen.

You have to tell her how you feel.

- Nyeh.

- You can't spend an entire relationship on antihistamines.

- Wh-what am I supposed to say?

"Less love, please."

I--I don't want to hurt her.

- You're just asking her to slow down a bit.

Look, if this relationship has any hope of sustaining,

you have got to be honest.

- Okay, fine.

[sighs] You're right.

I hear you.

[cell phone ringing]

Yeah.

[stammering]

Hi, sweetie.

No, I'm at the dentist.

I lost a crown.

It's all good. Be back soon.

[whimpers] I got to go.

- You know, I'm a writer too.

- Oh, no. No, I did not.

- I'm working on a screenplay.

- Ah.

Oh, good for you.

- It's about this girl.

- Oh, okay.

- Nobody ever notices her.

No one ever asks about her life or how she's doing.

It's--it's like she's not a person too.

No one cares. - Aw.

- So she decides to kill her coworkers.

- Ah. Did not see that coming.

There's your twist.

- She just feels like, "You don't notice me?

You'll notice me."

- And there's your motivation.

Good, you'll need that.

So... she kills them...

- By poisoning them.

- I see.

- She does it slowly, little by little,

and no one suspects because she's just this girl.

Who is she? She's nobody.

No one would think.

- Of course not. Perfect crime.

- Can I show it to you when I'm done?

- Absolutely. Yes, I'm very interested.

[chuckling]

Where did you get that?

- Over there.

What are you doing? - Nothing.

- Fucking brilliant.

- You read it?

- Like I had a choice. - Interesting.

- Oh, well, I might have mentioned once or--

stop looking at me.

- It is so good. - Really?

- Oh, my God. I laughed my ass off.

Now I see why everybody's flipping out.

- Thank you. - My goodness.

- So have you started casting?

Can I put in a good word for someone?

- Absolutely. Who?

- Me.

- I'm sorry? - Say what?

- I would love to do this.

- Great.

- Yes, great.

What, um-- what part were you thinking?

- Well, got to be Anderson.

It's like you wrote it for me.

- Not really. [chuckling]

Y-you should know that the actor playing Anderson

also has to play Riggs, so that's maybe more than you--

- Holy shit, I love Riggs. - Oh.

- That's my second favorite.

So I'm Anderson and Riggs?

- Apparently so. - Wow.

I got to tell you, I was so scared

I'd get stuck taking some shit show for the check,

but this?

And with you guys?

I--I don't know what to say.

- I think we're all at a loss. [both chuckle]

- All right. I got to call my agent.

Let's get this thing going. Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo-hoo.

Why did you say "great"?

- Well, you said "great." - Only because you said it.

If I don't say "great" after you say "great,"

suddenly I'm the bad guy.

And may I just point out-- not in a judgmental way--

none of this would have happened

if you hadn't forced him to read the bloody thing.

This is all of your making.

- We don't want him in it, do we?

- You're really asking me that? No.

Do you? - No, he's dead wrong.

But he's so excited. - I know.

But we have been down the Matt LeBlanc road.

It is bumpy, and it ends in a cliff.

- So... - I don't know.

But we have to do something.

This train is moving.

- Hey, what are you guys doing later?

- Um...nothing.

- Come to the beach. I'll throw some steaks on.

We'll celebrate this thing. - Great.

- Cool.

- Who said "great" that time? - Yeah, I know.

- And you notice we didn't stop the train.

- No. We added a dining car.

[keys clacking]

- Are you a dog person?

- Why? What did you order?

- [laughs] I don't know.

I was just thinking, you know, maybe we should get a dog.

- Huh. - Oh, not a fan?

- Uh, no, I just never had one.

My mother was allergic.

We had a bird, Louise.

My sister taught her to say...

[imitating parrot] "We're gonna crash.

We're gonna crash." - Oh, my God.

- Yeah. It was pretty tense at home.

- I'll bet.

So dog or no dog?

- Well, how would it work?

Where would it live?

- Here.

With us.

- Oh.

- Hello?

- Out here.

- [sighs]

So dreading this. - Has to be done.

- Right.

- Smile. Too many teeth.

- All right.

- I forgot how beautiful this is.

[laughs]

- When were you here?

- I'll wait.

- Yes, we--right.

And then you came over, and we...

[chuckles] Welcome back.

How about some wine?

- Gallons. - Yes, please.

- [laughs]

- All right, we got steaks.

There's corn, potatoes.

My mom made her famous tiramisu.

- Your--your mother's here? - Yeah.

She came out last week when she heard my father might die.

She wanted a ringside seat.

Ma!

Ma!

She hates wearing her hearing aids.

[shouting loudly] Ma!

Eh, that's okay.

She'll come out when she smells the meat cooking.

So here's to The Opposite of Us.

Here's hoping it's the opposite of Pucks!

- Oh, yes. - Oh, absolutely.

- Yeah. - [chuckles]

- I'm gonna get the steaks. I'll be right back.

- His mother's here. - Fuck.

- We can't tell him in front of her.

- We can't not tell him. - I know.

- Oh, great, so now his mother's on the train.

- I mean, you're here all the time anyway.

- Mm-hmm. - You could rent your place out.

Make a few bucks. - Mm-hmm.

- It just makes sense, you know? - Mm.

- And I know what you're thinking.

- You do?

- Everything here is me, me, me, me.

There's no you.

So what I was thinking was,

we get rid of all of my shit

and redo the whole thing together.

- [laughing] What?

[gasps] That's crazy.

- No, it's not. Not if you're gonna live here.

Or... - Or?

- We buy a whole new place.

- [laughing nervously]

- Oh, what about the beach?

Oh, imagine the two of us coming home from work,

and there's the ocean, there's the sunset,

and our puppy's waiting for us!

- We're gonna crash. [coughs]

- What? - Oh.

I can't do this.

I can't. I'm sorry.

It's--it's just-- it's too much.

- What's too much? - All of it.

I mean, you're the best, most wonderful person ever.

But don't you think it's all happening

just a little too fast?

Just a-- [squeaks]

- Oh.

Okay.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, no.

Don't apologize. My fault.

I just assumed that you were where I was.

- No, no, I am where you are.

Just, uh, behind you a ways.

Here I am. [laughs]

[groans] I shouldn't have said anything.

- No, I'm glad you did.

I'd be stuck out at the fucking beach with some stupid dog.

- Uh, I think it's just--

this whole thing is very new for me.

I mean, every other guy I've been with--

I'm not saying you're a guy.

- Mm, thanks.

- It's just--it's--

it's so different than anything I've ever--

and I don't mean that way.

Believe me, I'm loving all that stuff.

Oh, no, wait.

Look, you know I have only gone out with assholes.

You were married to one of them.

I'm not used to nice.

I think I'm just scared

by how much I care about you.

- Well, I certainly didn't mean to scare you.

- I know. [chuckles]

And I'm sorry I got a little... [babbles]

[both laugh]

- Come here, Scrunch. both: Oh.

- [laughs] - Mm.

- Oh, I wasn't even gonna say anything.

But then Beverly said--

- Beverly?

Oh, Beverly's giving you advice about us?

- Maybe.

Why?

- Well, I mean, I know she's your friend,

but I'm not sure she has our best interests at heart.

- No?

- Well, for one,

she's clearly in love with you.

- [laughing] B-Beverly?

Oh, that's crazy.

She doesn't even like me most of the time.

- Oh, okay.

- No, she's not into-- she's married.

- I was married.

- Even so, I don't think--

- Oh, please. Look at her hair.

[keys clacking]

- So what do you think of this?

When I'm Riggs, I've got, like, a beard,

but when I'm Anderson, maybe,

like, a weird wig or even a bald cap or--

is that too much?

- I'll tell you what's too much--this steak.

Oh, my God, you're, like, a steak savant.

[both chuckle]

- Not a lot to it, just meat and fire.

[chuckles]

So what do you think? Bald cap or--

- It's a little too soon to--

- No, I know, it's just--

I can't stop thinking about it.

- Oh, believe me, neither can we.

- So you guys still thinking about Susan Sarandon?

'Cause I got to say, I could totally see that now.

- [sighs]

You know... [chuckles]

We don't need to bore your mother with work talk.

- She can't hear anything.

Ma, look out, Koreans!

Believe me, if she could hear...

[all chuckle]

So Susan Sarandon?

- Where?

- That she heard.

- Well... [clears throat]

Here's the thing.

[sighs]

The network is adamant about not going with "names."

- Oh.

Sorry, Susan. [chuckles]

So what then, just me and an ensemble?

- I'm afraid they are dead set against any names at all.

- Wait, even me?

- Across the board.

- Even me?

- We think it's a huge mistake, but what can you do?

- Fight it.

That's what you can do.

It's your show.

You should have a say in who's in it.

Don't just roll over.

That's how you got screwed the last time.

- Mm. - Oh, believe me.

We did not just roll over.

We fought very hard for you.

- Very, very hard.

- Who's dead?

- So who's this coming from?

What's her name? The new Merc?

- Helen, yeah. - Mm.

- What if I sat down with her? Is she cute?

Maybe there's a card to play there.

- Trust me, you are never gonna crack that deck,

not even to shuffle.

- No? - Many queens.

Not so much with the kings and jacks.

- Got it. All right, forget that.

Let's just call her.

- Uh, what? What?

- Yeah, maybe the three of us can turn her around.

- Oh, I'm sure she's already left the office.

- So we'll just call her at home.

- What? Easy, Pinot Noir.

You can't just call her at home. - Why not?

I'm sure my agent's got her number.

You know, these guys actually like it

when you treat them like people.

- But they're not. I agree with Sean.

It would be a big mistake to bother--

- Hey, it's Matt.

Do you have Helen... - Basch.

- Basch's home phone? I'm here with Sean and Beverly.

She told them she doesn't want me in their show.

Really?

Hang on.

He's saying he spoke to her just to see

what kind of money they're thinking,

and she didn't even know you'd offered it to me.

- Well, maybe... - [exhales]

- He spoke to her before she spoke with us.

- You hear that?

He's saying he talked to her, like, an hour ago.

You were here an hour ago. - Well...

- There must be some logical explanation.

- I don't know what she could be thinking.

It could be some kind...

- We can get into it with her

in the morning. - Of sinister network ploy.

- Y-yeah.

- I'll call you back.

[phone beeps]

Did you talk to her or not?

Huh.

- This is too rare for me.

It looks like it was in a car accident.

I think she's got mine.

- Oh, my God.

Please, here, take it.

[clears throat]

- Yeah, see?

This one is cooked.

- Yes, it is.

- Do you want me in your show?

- We know she'll never go for it.

- That's not what I asked.

Do you...

want me in your show?

Then why'd you make me read the fucking thing?

- Clearly I should not have.

- We're both so sorry.

- [hacking]

[spits]

Gristle.

- Yes, it is.

- Perhaps it would be best if we left.

[clears throat]

- Where are they going?

Where are you going?

- Um, I'm afraid we have to run, Mrs. LeBlanc.

- What? - We have to leave now.

- It was so lovely--

- Wait, wait.

- If you could just tell your mother good night for us.

- Tiramisu.

- Oh, no, that's very kind,

but I'm afraid we really have to--

- I made it.

- No, no, I-I know you did, but--

- It looks delicious, but we really must--

- Enjoy.

- Mmm, it's brilliant.

- Mmm, this is such a treat.

- We will remember this forever. - Mm.

Well, that was glorious. - More?

- No. No, thank you. - No, no. No, no.

Um... [clears throat]

All right then, so, uh...

we--we're off.

Um...

again, we could not regret this more.

- We'll see you tomorrow.

- So sorry.

- Very sorry. - So poorly handled.

- Thank you for having us.

We must do this again. - What is wrong with you?

- I don't know.

- They seem nice.