Original subtitles

Aw c'mon, dude. Look at these jerks trying to cut the line.

- Ridiculous. - Eh. I'm on vacation.

I ain't gonna get worked up about it.

Come on!

Yo, would you stop letting people in?!

Ugh. Unbelievable.

Oh look, there it is.

Silverfish Pier. We're getting close.

Can't believe it's shutting down for good after Labor Day.

Yep, it's a travesty.

Place is a landmark. But at least we get one last run.

It's gonna be special.

Yo, you see that Dar?

That's the Goofy Galleon, okay.

That thing's gonna change your life.

I don't see what the big deal is about a ship that swings.

Nah nah nah, it doesn't just swing, okay.

This is the only ride in the country

that does a full 360 degree backflip.

It's literally the GOAT ride.

Didn't some guy get like, decapitated on there?

Yeah well, that's what makes it a thrill ride, okay.

There's real risk involved! [car horn]

Oh great, here we go.

Hey man, can you let me in?

Please! My wife is pregnant!

Mark, maybe let 'em in. I think she's in labor.

Uh no. He said his wife is pregnant, okay.

Don't be a sucker. - Please!

Her water just broke. She's going into labor!

Oh, is she? yeah? Yeah-- is-- that's why

you're going down the shore?

- Mark! - The hospital's in Oceanwood!

Oh yeah, right. Nice try.

Uh, I dunno know, Mark.

She seems pretty, uh... like in pain there.

No this is B.S, Hank, okay. Trust me.

Oh, my God! It's happening. She's giving birth.

Oh, my God! Just breathe, hun.

They are committed, I'll give 'em that.

Mark, stop it! Let him in.

Ugh. Fine.

Yo, uh, congratulations, pal, alright.

Oh! Thank you! Oh.

Suckahhh! Hahaha!

- Oh my God! - Dammit!

Well, frickin' told you, Tam.

♪ Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much, ♪

♪ but we're still gonna try.

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪

Oooh, baby.

Oh, I can't wait to set my chair right by the water

so I can get my toes wet and just read my book.

Yo, let me tell you okay,

nobody deserves a nice, relaxing weekend down a shore like you.

Y'know, with all those double shifts you've been working.

Aw thanks, hun.

I can't believe you snagged a house in Oceanwood

for Labor Day weekend. - Not just any house okay,

this one's right on the boardwalk.

Seriously? Oh, I don't even wanna know how much this costs.

How about uh, free?

Free? How the hell'd you do that?

Ah you know, pulled some strings. No big deal.

Lemme tell you, Tam, okay. This house is classic.

- Whoa. Sick location, Mark. Yeah, it's pretty sweet, right.

Wait a minute... I know this street...

Uh.. why are we at my sister's house?

Uh, it's not your sister's house, okay.

It's your family's house.

It's your house too, Tam.

Uh, we have a shore house.

Oh yeah, big time. Primo spot, right on the boardwalk.

But unfortunately, your mom won't set foot in it, so...

Yeah, because your Aunt Renee lives there now and

we don't speak. - I have an Aunt Renee?

- Oh yeah, and cousins. - What?

Mom, why haven't you told me this?

Ugh. Because your Aunt Renee is nuts. She's a whiny,

self-indulgent crybaby.

I mean, she seemed nice on a phone.

You called my sister, who I haven't spoken to in 15 years?!

Where do you get off!

Whoa, I did this for you Tam, okay.

This feud has gone on on long enough,

and given Silverfish Pier is closing...

and every other place was either booked or too expensive,

which is not why I did this, to be clear,

I felt I had to take a drastic action.

Ugh. We're going home right now. Turn this car around.

We just sat in traffic for three frickin' hours.

- Now you wanna go home?! - Uh, yeah, Mark.

Unless Dr. Phil's showing up at that house,

there's no way I'm going in there.

Are you nuts?

I mean, it would be cool to meet my cousins.

Ohp, sorry, Dar. Unfortunately, you're gonna to

have to wait until your mom dies.

Ugh. Look at this place.

Completely neglected and fallen apart.

This is so Renee.

Yeah, I dunno, I kind of like it. It's got uh, character.

There she is! - Hi, Renee.

It's so good to see you.

Aw, man. Look at your wrinkles, they're so pretty.

Hey, I'm Mark. Great to finally meet you, Renee.

I know who you are! Tammy ain't the only

one who knows how to creep on Facebook.

And you must be Darren. I'm your Aunt Renee, the pretty one.

Hi.

Oh, my God. You look just like your father.

Hey, let's hope you don't also run

away and never come back, right?

- Uhp! Alright. - Hey, come on in.

I'd grab your bags, but I just had a procedure done and

Dr. Rashadidod said I shouldn't lift heavy

things for at least a few weeks.

If not more, right into the holidays.

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that. What was the procedure?

Hank, don't.

I had to get a bursectomy to drain some fluid from my elbow.

It was supposed to take an hour,

ended up taking six hours,

because there's scar tissue on the ulnar nerve.

On top of having to get scraped for fibroids.

Hey. Who's hungry?

- Oh, what's the ulnar-oof? - In the house. Let's go.

Haha, damn, look at this place!

Yo, this is unbelievable.

Yeah. Looks just like I remember...

except everything is worse.

Yo Dar, check it out,

you got the plastic uh, lobster decorations!

Dude these are classic!

Oh no. That's actually our dinner from a couple nights ago.

Ray, I told you to get rid of the frickin' lobsters, didn't I?

- I plan to use them. - Whoa!

Yo. Scare me there, dude.

I'm guessing you're Ray? Mark Hoagies.

Great to meet you. - I put googly eyes on 'em.

- Sorry, what was that? - I put googly eyes on 'em.

- Ah-- What do you mean? - The lobsters.

I'm waiting for 'em to dry out,

and then I'm gonna put some googly eyes on them.

Oh, yeah? Nice.

Sounds uh, hysterical.

Thank you.

Envy! Neo!

Get out here and meet your Aunt's family!

Darren, meet your cousins, Envy and Neo.

Neo's short from Neapolitan, it's the only ice cream

my stomach can handle.

- Sup? - Punch me as hard as you can.

Uh... no?

You're not gonna hurt me.

Honey, I don't know if Darren's comfortable hitting a girl.

No, it's alright. Her dojo lets her

spar with boys all the time.

Are you a bitch, Darren?

What the hell?

Ugh, whatever. Just hit her.

Okaaay.

- Oh my God! - Damn, dude.

Ow! Get-- get off me.

Renee, could you get your daughter off my son?

- That's enough Envy. - But-- he didn't tap.

Ow! How do I tap?

Ow. O- Okay! I tap!

- Ugh. - Oww!

Damn, dude, we got frickin' Ronda Rousey over here.

- Watch this! Ha! - Oh my... Oh my god.

Yo, you alright, dude?

Ray always lets her practice on him.

If you want, I can teach you some basic techniques.

No one will ever mess with you again.

Uh... okay. Yeah.

Yo, what's up with the helmet, bud?

You got like a... weird head going on or somethin'?

It's for everyone's safety.

Neo can move things with his mind

Whoa, I want to see that.

No, I'm still learning how to control it.

It's a gift, but it's also a curse.

Whoa.

Hey, let me show you guys to your room.

We cleared this room out for yous.

Oh yeah. Thanks. What about the other guest room?

Oh, Ray's using that as his new workshop now.

Ugh. Are you kidding me?

Ah, don't worry about it, Renee. We're-- good.

Thanks, Mark.

There should be two air mattresses in the closet.

Alright well, we're gonna unpack and get situated.

Ugh. This is so like her. Putting us all in one room.

They didn't even put pillowcases on the pillows, ugh!

Ah, come on. This is great, yo. It's like a big sleepover party.

Enough, Mark. I am so annoyed at you,

I don't even have words.

Uh, I did this for you, Tam, okay. Are you planning

on taking this grudge to the grave?

Yes.

Alright, well uh, Ray seems chill.

Guy's got a chin on him. He took that

roundhouse like the frickin' Terminator.

Kids are a little weird, but you know,

so is Darren, so I guess that's a wash.

Darren, what do you want to do?

Do you want to stay or you wanna go?

Uh...

C'mon Dar. Don't you want to get

to know your cousins... who have a shorehouse on the boardwalk?

The cousin who just beat the crap out of you?

I mean... it'd be cool to learn some moves.

Yoooo. There we go dude, there we go! Let's go!

Ugh. Fine. Well you all can spend a whole weekend with them.

I'm going to the beach to try and salvage my vacation.

Hey, check it out. I found an antique whoopie cushion.

That's a colostomy bag, Hank.

[seagulls]

- Great. It's gonna friggin' rain.

Ugh...

Hey Tam, 'member when we used to

catch those little sand crab things?

Yeah. Heh. And we built little towns for 'em.

Yeah, right?... Y'know, I think those things are extinct now?

Haven't seen 'em in years...

Kinda a familiar feeling, ya know, Tam?

[sighs] So, how are you, Renee?

Uh, ya know, it's been a month, Tam, and let me tell you.

My blood pressure's all over the place so Dr. Randaso

says I need to switch my ACE inhibitors again right,

but my new insurance won't cover it,

and so guess who's on the phone for hours,

and of course, they're just giving me the runaround.

- You want one of these? - No, thanks.

Yeah so anywho, took me three hours

just to get someone to tell me

I need prior authorization, right?

And then yesterday, I find out my pain clinic was shuttered.

Shoot me now! - Ugh...

Ahh, love that smell of caramel corn and dead horseshoe crab.

Ooh, ooh, Hank, look.

It's the place where we got the semi-automatic potato guns.

Ohh, yo, and that's the place with

the blacklight Bob Marley posters where

they sell the bongs with the switchblades attached.

Ohp! Ohp! There she is, baby. Even crappier than I remember.

Uh... it looks like it's gonna collapse into the ocean.

I know, right? Yo, it's the best.

Hey, Mark, just a heads up. My weather app says

there's a 60% chance of rain in the next hour.

Ah that's all good, dude. That means the lines will be shorter.

Yohohooo, shiver me timbers, dude.

It's go time for the Galleon.

Oh, man.

Awesome.

Ooh, baby.

I'm getting the chills right now, Hank.

After all these years, we're finally gonna ride this thing!

Aw man, sometimes, dreams really do come true.

Uh wait, I thought you said this was your favorite ride.

Yeah, but I never actually been on it.

It's always shut down for some kind of

mechanical issue like a kid fell out of

it or something. - Oh, Cool. Cool.

Uh. Are you sure this thing is safe?

Darren, you really think that I would

take you on a ride that wasn't safe?

Dammit.

Now I got adrenal fatigue syndrome,

so I had Ray get rid of the router. I saw on TikTok

that the biofields can mess up your metabolism.

Do you know I put on 15 pounds just from the Wi-Fi?

Yeah, I mean maybe... I don't know,

you could make some different lifestyle choices.

Really, Tam? I haven't seen you in 15 years

and now you're gonna lecture me about

my eating habits. Ohoho, here we go...

Uh for your information, I'm not eating the whole bag.

I'm sharing 'em with my friends.

Alright, well this was a bad idea.

I'm gonna head back.

Uh, I believe there's something you wanted

to say to me? - What are you talking about?

Your husband said you wanted to apologize.

Uh... he said what now?

He called me and said if I invited you guys

down the shore this weekend, you'd apologize to me.

Yeah well, he's full of crap. He just wanted to use the house.

And I got nothing to apologize for.

Unbelievable. You're gonna shut down the entire ride

because of one minor mechanical issue. Ridiculous.

It was my fault.

Whoa. You did that?

Yes. I must learn to control my powers.

Hmm. Excuse me for a moment.

What the hell?

Yo Hank, we gotta get out of here dude, okay.

Silverfish Pier is shut down and Ray is starting to creep me out.

I thought you were a fan of him.

Yeah well, I was also a fan of Bill Cosby, so...

Ooh, Shriveler's. Hey, is it cool if I get some taffy?

Ooh, I'll check that out.

Ugh, gah. Alright.

Hey Ray, yo we're gonna pop in here

for a bit. So I'll meet you guys back at the house, alright?

- I want fudge! - I want fudge as well.

Ah, damnit.

Okay, ooh, vanilla...

Oh yeah peppermint, gotta get the peppermint.

Ooh, gotta get the mustard ones.

Oh, wait, lemon.

Yo, I don't know if I can handle

3 days with these friggin' weirdos.

I mean I think they're nice. Neo's got superpowers.

No he doesn't. He's just got a helmet because one of

those kids with a weird shaped head.

- Weather alert. - Gah! Whoa! Ah!

I didn't see you there.

There's been an interesting turn of events.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, according to the weather app,

this rain is part of the outer ring of Tropical Storm DeSean.

It appears to be turning inland, hmm?

Oh, man. Ooof.

Well, then I guess we should head back to Glantontown.

Okay, but you are welcome to hunker down with us.

I would love to show you my Googlyverse.

The hell's a Googlyverse.

It is an expansive, fictional nether-realm

that I have been working on for years.

It's got a deep lore that I think you are really,

really going to enjoy.

Oh. Right. Yeah, Totally. Totally.

Hey, uh, Hank, yo. Let's get a move on, okay.

You've seen this taffy demonstration like 100 times.

Yeah, but I want to see if they got any new techniques.

Okay, Darren. Now I'm going to show you a teep kick.

Okay, cool. - Hi-ya!

- Oh my God! - Yo what the hell!?

Go pack your things and get the hell out of my house!

Ohoho. Your house? Last time I checked,

mom left this house to both of us.

Maybe it's time for you to leave.

I can't! I need to be near salt air,

air from my chronic sinusitis! You know that.

Oh, please. Spare me with your woe-is-me,

attention-seeking fake illnesses.

Yo! Little help here! Uh, someone get the door?

Alright, yo, ohp. Sorry, Hank.

Ohp. Watch your head.

The hell happened to you, Hank?

Oh, I uh, got sucked into the taffy machine.

Actually, uh, frickin' Chun-Li over here kicked him into it.

It's not my fault he didn't have a solid base stance.

Eh, that's ok, I mean, the urgent care doctor said

I didn't rupture any vital organs.

Alright well anyway, pier's shut down and uh, the storm's coming,

so uh, time to get outta here. Let's go pack our bags guys.

Thanks, Renee! 'Preciate it.

No, Mark. We're not going anywhere.

Uh...

[pumping noise]

Yo Hank, can you turn that thing down?

Oh sorry, Mark.

The doctor said I need to sleep with an air mattress pump

in my butt for two weeks to re-inflate.

Mom, can we please leave? Envy is kinda psycho and

it's like a legit hurricane outside.

Nope. Sorry, Darren. We're spending

Labor Day weekend at our shore-house.

Just like everyone wanted.

Ugh. Alright, I can't sleep in here.

C'mon, Mark. I thought you wanted

to have a big sleepover party.

Ha, ha, ha. I'm going to sleep in the other room.

Hey Dar, uh, you mind, rolling my legs under the blanket.

Oh yeah. Jackpot.

What. The. Hell?

Welcome to the Googlyverse. It's hysterical, right?

Yeah... uh... laugh riot.

This is an original cinematic

universe full of silly characters.

It's sort of like Muppets meets Pet Sematary.

Are those... uh... Are those real animals there?

Oh, yes they are.

They passed away, but they live on here in the Googlyverse.

Oh. Cool.

Thanks, I thought you'd like it.

You know, one day I intend to be added

to the Googlyverse in lieu of traditional burial.

Uh... I'm actually gonna... go back to my room.

Are you sure? You can sleep in this bed, if you'd like.

Uh... I- I'm good, thanks.

Alright, everybody pack up. We're leaving.

Nope. We're not going anywhere.

Alright, Tammy, no, no, no. We gotta leave, okay.

Ray is a sick freak.

Well, maybe you should have thought about that before

you told my sister I was coming here to apologize.

Alright. I admit it. You were right. Okay?

Sometimes grudges are a good idea.

Let's go home, forget about the house,

and never talk to your family again.

No, Mark. You were right. Who does she think she is,

just taking over the family shore house and neglecting it?

I'm not leaving. She's leaving.

What are we supposed to do? She's being crazy.

There's only one way to settle a feud like this, Darren.

We're gonna have to Dr. Phil our way outta it.

[TV] Looks like tropical storm Desean has turned

into a Category 2 hurricane.

Here's live footage from Oceanwood, where Silverfish Pier

has collapsed into the ocean.

Oh, man. That's not good. Doctor said I should

stay away from any high winds.

[TV] There's massive flooding across the Jersey Shore and

officials are urging those who can't evacuate to

stay indoors and to move to higher ground.

Alright, everyone. It looks like we're stuck with

each other for now, so we're gonna hash this out.

It's time to get real.

You both have carried a lot of pain and

anger of these past 15 years. And while I'm sure that's

that's been hard on you.

At present, it's way more annoying for everyone else.

Yeah well, you try dealing with

Renee's narcissistic, self-pitying,

manipulative B.S. your whole life.

How dare you!

I have serious medical conditions.

Oh, yeah?

Like when you poured ketchup all over my bed

and said you had an "explosive period."

Ew. - Well, maybe you should have

thought about that before you smeared chocolate into

my American Girl doll's hair. - I was 10 years old!

You shoulda known!

Alright ladies, let's slow your goose hens and get the cows

back into the stable, alright?

What?

So Renee, can you tell us exactly

what Tammy said that's been, you know,

hounding your hog all these years?

She said that she didn't care if I died.

[gasps] Yo, that's not good.

Yikes. Yo, that's kinda messed up, Tam.

Isn't that messed up, folks? It's pretty messed up, right?

Yeah.

Uh... I'm not sure this is helping.

Well, I'm not gonna to apologize for telling the truth.

Take some frickin' responsibility over your life.

- I'm over it. - Okay, you know what?!

You want to erase me from your life? Fine.

I guess I'm just a worthless piece of crap!

So I'm gonna take this worthless piece of crap out of this

stupid house and don't ever speak to me again, okay?

Uh, it's a hurricane, hun.

What do you care!?

Oh, she does this sometimes. She'll be back.

Well folks, I think we learned a lot today.

When you try and baptize a chicken,

you're just going to end up with wet eggs.

Ooh, true.

Oh no!!! Oh, my God. Reene!

Renee?! You alright down there?

Mom!

Oh boy. I think Renee might be headed to the Googlyverse.

Oh my God. She can't swim!

♪ [dramatic]

Just hold tight. I'm sure someone will see us.

You just saved my life.

Yeah well, you're my sister.

You really think I'm gonna let you die?

...or at least die alone.

Help!!! Anybody!!!

Mom!

Alright. Alright. Clear out. Clear out. I'm going in!

No. Stand back.

Frickin' knew it.

Alright, enough of this, okay. Tam, I'm coming to get ya!

Wait. It's... almost... here...

The hell?

He did it!

It's done.

Whoa.

Welp. If we're gonna die, there's

something I need to get off my chest.

You know that whole American Girl doll thing with

the chocolate?

Well... that wasn't chocolate.

What?

Oh my God!

Oh no. -Hahaha!

You ain't right! You ain't right!

I see them! I see them over here!

Hey, Tammy. Hey, Renee.

- What? - Are you kidding me?

Yo, Tam! Check it out! I'm finally riding the Galleon!

Oh. My. God.

Shiver me timbers yo! All aboard!

Careful, I got milk wrist.

Well, Tam. Looks like we learned a valuable lesson today:

Sometimes the rides that kill people,

are also the ones that save people.

Uh... guys?

Oh no! Everybody hold on!

Arggghhhh!

Hell yeah! Finally!

Okay yep, sounds good. I'll talk to Mark and see

what he's doing, but I'm sure he'd love to come.

Hey Darren, wanna go see your cousin's MMA match next Friday?

I do not.

Darren's excited.

Oh my God. I gotta go, Renee.

I thought you said this was just for decoration?

C'mon, Tam. I got the most epic ride in my backyard.

I can't not ride it! Alright Artie. Fire it up.

Let's goooo! Wooooo!

[crash!]

Uh, Mark? Why is there a ship in my begonias?

- Oh hey, David.

Yo, Jinglebells, you gotta try the boat, dude!