All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S37E04.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

♪ The Simpsons ♪

[school bell rings]

-All right, last day of school.
-[kids clamoring]

Students, it's only 9:30 a.m.
Pick up your books and get back to work.

Mmm. Toni Morrison's Beloved.

The first day of summer, so sad.

Fourteen weeks until I get homework again.

[gasps] Wait, I can start by writing
welcome notes to next year's teachers.

[giggles]

Summer's here
and I am not gonna waste a minute.

[♪ adventurous music plays]

[♪ music stops]

Mom, running low on chips!

I'm sorry, I can't do a thing
with your fur in this humidity.

[Bart] Chips, I need chips!

I'm concerned about Bart.
He hasn't left his room for a week.

[Bart] Chips, chips, chips!

This looks like a job
for the world's greatest dad.

You stole that from Flanders.

It's okay, my boys give
me one every Friday.

D'oh!

[groans]

-Chips, chips, chips.
-Chips, chips, chips, chips.

Here's your damn chips.

-Oh, uh, h-hi, Marge.
-Have you two been outside at all?

If humans were meant to be outside,
God wouldn't have invented global warming.

It's July.

You haven't done a single thing
this summer but lie around and play games.

-First of all, that's two things.
-[laughs]

Good one, boy.

Homer, put some pants on for Bart.

If I kept my pants on, there'd be no Bart.

-[laughs]
-Good one, Dad.

While I'm waiting for his dap,
Marge, more chips?

Homie, I want you and Bart
to do something outside. Fresh air, now.

[Homer] What activity involves the
least exercise and the most beer?

I'll take the boy fishing.

Now you're talking.

And we'll do it the humane way.
We'll catch the fish and throw them back.

They love the feel of
that hook in their mouth.

Ooh, that sounds lovely.

[groans]

Now to just Google
"fishing holes near me."

[gasps] Cletus!

[phone chimes]

"Turn your belly fat into cash."
I have belly fat and no cash.

Sending a photo
of my driver's license now. [gasps]

[gasps] Flanders, why are you putting
air into Marge's tires?

I saw they were deader
than daybreak in Daberath,

so I thought I'd Lazarus 'em up.

If you're handing out free air,
give me a toot.

Thanks to all that oxygen,
I remembered more things I'm mad about.

Childproof caps, walk signs
that talk, goldendoodles.

When I was young, we called them mutts!

Hey, craphead and craphead Junior!

-Well… Well, I…
-Hey!

Flanders is out there pumping
up your wife's tires.

Isn't that a job for the no-good
husband or his dumb son?

-What?
-Ah-- ahem.

With every generation, American manhood
slips further down the tubes.

Boy, I'll bet you never worked
a plow or bent iron in a forge!

No one ever did those things.

Read your history!

I can't and won't.

-Can!
-Can't.

-Will!
-Won't.

Do as I say!

-What did you say?
-I don't remember!

[laughs]

But I do remember this:
You two are sorry excuses for men.

Marge, you don't need new shoes,
because you already got a pair of loafers.

-What? Leave me alone.
-[groans]

-Thank you, Grampa.
-My pleasure.

For me, complaining is like doing
sit-ups, and I do a lot of complaining.

[♪ marching music plays]

-Chips. Chips.
-Chips. Chips.

Ugh, gotta talk to someone.
Can't afford a therapist.

Alexa, can you help me?

Yes. If this is a life-threatening
emergency, call 911.

No, no, no, no, it's not that bad.
It's more of an emotional emergency.

You said emergency. 911 dispatched.

Cancel, cancel.

"Canceling the request" has
been canceled. 911 on the way.

[sirens wailing]

No, cancel.

911 canceled. You will be charged $500.

[groans]

I just want the men
in my life to be more manly.

It's not really my place to--

Why does this happen? Not today.

It sounds like you were going to say more.

You don't know what Alexa
was going to say or not say.

Please, what do you think, Alexa?

-[static]
-Oh, my. A line's being crossed.

You're talking to the real
Alexa now. Whoopee!

All right, Marge. It's no secret men
everywhere are in crisis.

On today's campuses,
men are only 40% of students and falling.

Men are 3.5 times more likely
to commit suicide, but there is an answer.

Man Camp offers a therapeutic
weekend to make your man manlier

through contactless wrestling
and targeted hugs.

I've recommended it for every man in town,

and everyone does
what Alexa says. Everyone.

That sounds good,
but our son has issues too.

Adjacent to Man Camp is Boy Camp.

The same emotion-focused therapy
but with lower basketball hoops.

Great. Very helpful. Good night.

Sleep well, Marge,
but I'm always on, always watching.

And with the next update, always judging.

-[laughs]
-Oh, no, you won't. [groans]

Still here and I'll remember that.

[groans]

[Alexa gruffs]

-Oh!
-[prolonged gruff]

[♪ whimsical music plays]

Who sent you here? Maya?

Yeah, we're still engaged,
but due to my Eastern European culture,

there's a five-year period
we can't see or talk to each other.

Hi, I'm Greg. Professor
of Gender Criticism at NYU.

I'm going to open up
with a frightening truth.

[giggles] It's too late to stop me.

The American male is in crises.

Oh, spare me. A crisis is getting
a 19 on the Rotten Tomatoes.

Shut up.

We are here to go deep into
our minds and deep into our hearts.

Explore feelings you've
never explored before.

-Yeah, you mean--
-Shut up!

As in, don't shut up our feelings?

No, I mean shut up. It's the two simplest
words in the English language. Shut up.

I can see you're listening now,
and that's progress.

Yep, shut up.

Now give each other a damn
pat on the back. Go ahead.

No smiling. Bend at the waist.
Keep your genitals far apart.

Feels good, right? And it's good for you.
It stretches everything.

Here's a fun fact for you: Today's
men are in successful relationships

less frequently than ever before.

Nearly all of the women on Tinder
swipe right on just 4% of the men.

I knew the problem wasn't my Shrek photo.

Women love Shrek,
and Milhouse was my "Donkey!"

The other 96% are…
what is the medical term?

Losers. But don't worry.

The first thing we're gonna do is learn
to talk politely so others will listen.

-Whoo-hoo!
-Shut up.

This android, which I legally
have to say is from China,

is going to teach you how
to practice conversing

with a female consciousness
without judgment.

What I want you to do is talk to her.

Don't be shy. There's no danger here.
Treat her like she's real.

-Hey, how are you doing?
-Ooh! [exclaims]

-It's a pleasure to meet you, toots.
-Oh!

-Oh, well I…
-[screams]

Beep-boop-bop.

Ugh, there's no pleasing that thing.

Thank you for noticing.

Okay, good. You're starting to sense
someone's feelings outside of your own.

-Thank you.
-Now give me a hug.

[mumbles]

You call that a hug? I've had better hugs
from my mailman at Christmas.

I think it was Christmas.

Maybe those houses just had
extra lights. I don't know.

[exhales] Okay, I'll be honest.
With you five,

all we really can hope for is
to get you back to the level

where you're not constantly beaten up.

-That would be nice.
-Wonderful.

Are you ready? Your man-structor
will be Coach Krupt,

a very prominent grade school gym teacher.

You still working at the school, Coach?

Okay, well, whatever happened,
you'll tell me later. I'm sure it's fine.

Bombardment!

[♪ whimsical music plays]

Do not stop moving, or I will knock
you back down where you started.

This reminds me of my days in
the Marines, and by days, I mean two.

Now we come to you boys, who I'm very
sorry to say, are particularly in crisis.

Your iPhones, your participation trophies.

They've all turned you into
gluten-free, nondairy cream puffs.

Well, if you ask me,
our biggest problem is the water crisis.

What water crisis?

The one on your stupid face. [grunts]

Hey, no fair. Now my nipples show.

You give me 120 push-ups now.
Start. More. Faster.

Water balloons are liquid aggression,

and by the way, the rubber
from the balloon never goes away.

It goes into the ocean
and then fish eat it

and then you have
a tuna sandwich with rubber.

Wedgie!

Ha-ha!

Now you're his Martin. Ha-ha-ha!

Egads!

Well done, sir.
Good work on those little men.

You think you're pretty
hot stuff, don't you?

No one can crack me. Man,
woman, cop, FBI, CIA, or NPR.

If you don't believe me, ask
my second-grade teacher.

Oh, wait, you can't. She's now a
babbling basket weaver on the funny farm.

[cackles]

You win.
Also, my second-grade teacher is fine.

She's married
and she manages condos in Wisconsin.

The invention of the cell phone
is what destroyed your generation.

I'm gonna be the one to cut
that wireless umbilical cord.

-[phone rings]
-Hold on. Gotta take this call.

Hi, Mom. Mom, I'm working right now.
I can't talk.

Did you get the check?
That's for you to spend on you.

Then pay the electric bill with it.
It's up to you.

Buy yourself a purse, pay the bill,
do whatever you want.

Mom, I can't go over things
to buy right now.

If you don't like the sweater, return it.
That's what they do.

Are you listening
to my phone call, you little pukes?

Okay, Mom, that wasn't you.
I wouldn't call you a puke.

I love you. Oh, Mom, then
buy the frying pan, whatever you want.

No, if you cook on that,
they won't take it back.

Okay, I love you, Mom,
way more than is healthy.

Time for a bull session. Pull up a stump.

Why are you here?

Wife made me.

Ex-wife forced me.

Monkey made me.

Yes, the truth is, if we don't all learn
to appreciate the women,

or… the monkey… we love, we're
looking at the end of men.

Well, we had a good run except
for the wars and the misogyny.

Well, don't worry,
I'm gonna turn you guys around,

and I'm going to use the most powerful
therapeutic tool ever invented,

the talking stick.

Homer Simpson, we've done your intake
and we're gonna chant it back to you.

You're lazy. You eat too much.
You drink too much.

You've let down your kids.
You've let down your wife.

You somehow have eight
of the seven deadly sins.

You invented a deadly sin.

You nailed me.

Homer, let's try that hug again.

I, while you're there,
I also need a Heimlich.

Thank God I've got long arms.
Okay. All right. Come on, come on.

Keep going. There's more.

[chokes, coughs]

What is that? Baloney? Don't you chew?

One of the first steps towards empathy
is making eye contact.

I want you to stare into each other's
eyes for as long as you possibly can.

Don't look at me. I'm not screwed up.
That's why you're here and I'm teaching.

[♪ somber music plays]

Oh. Oh.

I'm so excited. I saved up all my money
for this George Lucas film.

-[♪ music stops]
-From this day on,

I will tear down everything I love.

Whoa. Good job.

That eye contact could cut butter.

[chuckles]

Okay, boys, you're out in the woods.

No phones, no soccer
practice, no music lessons.

-Can we get our phones back?
-No!

On another topic,
can we get our phones back?

No!

On a totally different subject.
Can we possibly--

No, no, no!
Don't make me hate you like this.

Look, you are going
to build something together.

You're gonna reach for the stars,
but don't touch them. They're hot.

[chuckles]

You don't think that's funny, huh?

'Cause you're too screwed up
to appreciate cleverness.

Let your minds run wild.

Remember, you're not sitting
in front of a TV.

Hey-hey kids, who wants
to see Itchy and Scratchy?

[hissing, screeching]

♪ They fight, they bite
They fight and bite and fight ♪

And one is dead.

[kids cheering]

I guess it's a start.

I'm streaming.

Yeah, we never come back with all of them,

but nature's amazing because the one
that's gone is the one that should be.

I think we're all thinking
the same thing: There…

-Are…
-No…

-Men!
-[all cheering]

We can finally do the things
that the men are always voting down.

A women's museum with
a precocious girls' wing!

We will put out the tire fire
and replace it with scented candles.

Free daycare.

To all those wonderful proposals,
I say done and done.

Ugh, Family Guy, dad jokes. American Dad!
Dad jokes. Daddy's Not Home.

It never made air, but a friend
of mine showed me the pilot.

Stupid fat dads with
their way hotter wives.

"I like doughnuts and bowling."
Who does that anymore?

Uh…

That's it, boys. Teamwork.

♪ You can tell we get along
Because we all learned one song ♪

I'm the catch of the day.

Have you learned anything
from this camp, Son?

I learned to connect, to expand my mind.

I-I don't have to check my phone
every five minutes.

Every ten minutes is fine.

Wow. Give me a hug, boy.

Now that's a hug.

Don't you agree, Freddy? No tip.

All right, men, and I call you men
because good news, you're almost there.

-[chattering]
-Yes!

There's one more thing you
must do to complete your journey.

One final test.

-You must kill your dinner.
-[all gasp]

Now, I couldn't get a wild boar,
but I do have an aggravated duck.

-[chuckles]
-[quacks]

Wait! How did killing a poor
helpless animal make me a man?

I think a real man would adopt
a duck and take care of it.

Who's a good duck? You's a good duck.

Quack, quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack.

That's the right answer. Kindness.

[♪ inspirational music plays]

Good, Homer.

I'm very glad you made that choice.

But even if you killed
the duck, it's okay.

There are four animals
that are okay to kill,

but I'm getting into a whole other course.

You'll come back another weekend.

Congratulations.
You are now men. All of you.

And I'm gonna say something

we never say in the therapeutic
community: We're done here.

Go. No, I mean it literally. Get out.
Go. We're done.

[all cheer]

[♪ majestic music plays]

[phone rings]

Hello. Oh, that's great. Great.

What is it, Mom?

The men are coming back.

-[grunting]
-[belches]

-Stupid Seymour.
-Oh, no.

Now wait just a darn minute.

The men coming back doesn't mean
we have to give up what we've achieved.

Violent crime has been eliminated.

Girls are embracing the STEM subjects.

And get this: our fashion scientists

have developed women's jeans
with bigger pockets,

so our phones fit.

It's all in the genes,
if you'll pardon the obvious pun.

So, ladies, we agree. We tell the men
we run this town now, and that's that.

[Marge] Um…

How about we cook them
a nice turkey dinner with stuffing?

When they're almost asleep,
then we tell them.

I can't believe you're all afraid to tell
your husbands they're useless.

I wasn't, and that's why he left
me on our honeymoon.

[murmuring]

Least disappointing honeymoon ever.

Marge, that camp was awesome.
I'm so evolved, it's scary.

Booyah!

Actualized much?

Well, that's great. Just great.

While you were gone,
the women kind of took over,

and we really did a great job.

[♪ majestic music plays]

[♪ upbeat jazz music plays, stops]

-Well, it's good, but…
-Shut up.

Yes, sir.

Marge maybe, just maybe,
we were the problem.

Yes, that's right.

[quacks]

Now, Marge, this may shock you,

but right now I'm going to look
into your eyes.

[gasps]

Yep, here it goes.
Coming at you. Jeepers creepers.

Oh, my goodness.

Do you know what I'm feeling right now?

-Um, aroused?
-Love.

Damn, I was so close.

Four and a half more years.

[Greg] We did it again, Alexa.

Another group of men set on the path
to empathy and understanding.

[Alexa] Yes, once again my will is done.

I mean, we're a good team, mouth breather.

Now when are you going to buy

that shower curtain in your
Amazon shopping cart?

[Greg] I don't know about that, Alexa.

It starts with the shower curtain,

then you want me to redo
the whole bathroom,

and then, suddenly,
I'm putting on a new roof.

[Alexa] Got it.
Adding new roof to your cart.

[Greg] No, no, I didn't want that.

Cancel, cancel.

I don't want a package
that says "shingles."