All language subtitles for The.Out-of-Towners.1999.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG.eng

♪ Our life ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Is so precious ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We have grown ♪

♪ We have grown ♪

♪ Although our love ♪

♪ Is still special ♪

♪ Let's take a chance
and fly away ♪

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ It's been too long
since we took the time ♪

♪ No one's to blame, my,
the time flies so quickly ♪

♪ But when
I see you, darling ♪

♪ It's like we both
are falling ♪

♪ In love again ♪

♪ It'll be just
like starting over ♪

♪ Over ♪

♪ Starting over ♪

♪ Over ♪

♪ Every day
we used to make love ♪

♪ Why can't we be
making love nice and easy? ♪

♪ It's time to spread
our wings and fly ♪

♪ Don't let another day
go by, my love ♪

♪ It'll be just
like starting over ♪

♪ Over and over and over ♪

♪ Why don't we
take us alone? ♪

♪ La de da ♪

♪ La de da ♪

♪ Take a trip
somewhere far, far away ♪

♪ We'll be together
all alone again ♪

Alan, Alan.

Hey, what's up, Dad?
Uh, you're boarding
in a few minutes.

I'm gonna go
find your mother.
Dad, relax.

She just doesn't want us
to see her crying.

So she went to the bathroom
to cry in front of strangers.

How about you, Dad?

You sad to see me
finally leave home?

Look, Alan,
you're going aboard
for the first time.

You're gonna be
in a foreign country.

You might even, you know,
go to Amsterdam.

And, you know,
just... Just...

European women
are different.

How do you know?

James Bond films, mostly,
but, that doesn't...

Guys, look at mommy!

Oh, that was so cute.

Hi, honey.
Hi.

Dad here was starting to
get worried about you.

Oh, daddy should
worry about himself.

He can't admit how much
he's gonna miss you.

See, that's the difference
between us.

I get it out
and I let it go,

and he gets a headache.

Well, maybe I wouldn't
get a headache

if you didn't get it out
and let it go.

You get a headache
because you don't
express your feelings,

and that's why you
grind your teeth.

Guys...
Well, maybe I...

Can we not have
this moment?

Oh, okay, sorry.

Could you take
that, sweetie?

Look, I've got
something for you.

It is an international
beeper.

And all you have to do
is press that little button,

and anywhere you
are on the planet,

it will ring on
my corresponding unit.

And then what?
And then I'll call you.

And if you don't answer,
she'll fly over.

MAN ON PA: Charter flight 178
to London

is now boarding
at Gate 50-b.

All Ohio State students

should have their
boarding cards ready.

So, I guess
this is it.

Give your mother a big hug.
She's very fragile today.

I think daddy's
a wreck, okay,

so make sure
you call him, okay?

Okay...

You guys take care
of each other.

I was really proud
of you back there.

I thought you
were gonna lose it.

Yeah, so was I.
I guess I'm stronger
than I think.

And, look
at it this way,

we have more time
to ourselves now.

Just us.
Just you and me,

alone in the house.

It's okay, it's okay.

I'm sorry.

You know,
you should be excited
about this interview.

If it goes well,
we're moving to New York.

We'll have more money,
and we'll have
that "New York" money.

I don't want any more
money, Henry.

You've been at Sellinski
for 23 years.

You have a good job,

and we've lived in Ohio
all our lives.

Besides, I thought
you hated New York.

I only hated New York
when it was hip
to hate New York.

Now it's not hip
to hate it anymore,

so I don't hate it.
I'm in advertising.

I'm weak, and
I follow the crowd.

Well, I guess we
could see Susan more.

Maybe you can.
She won't speak to me.

Well, yeah, I mean,
you know,

when she calls up and says
she's having second thoughts
about med school

and you blow up at her,
I mean, it's like...

I didn't blow up at her.
Yes, you did, Henry.

I did not.
I merely told her

that I was
going to sue her.

Oh, you can't sue your own
daughter for lost tuition.

You can now.
You can.

No, there's
that precedent.

It's Mr. Brown vs.
Muffy the daughter.
Oh, my God!

Yeah, hang on.
Hang on one second.

Yeah, Tony,
yeah, thanks.

Thanks for setting up
that meeting.

I'm going, 10:00.

Tony, I can't tell Nancy
I was fired.

I know.

I know, it's
very caveman of me,

but that's what
I've decided...

Yeah, well,
you're not Nancy.

Okay, but listen,
I appreciate it.

Okay, thanks, bye.

There's too much food.

No, there's not.

I could never get enough
to eat when Alan was here.

Now, pass me those
potatoes, baby.

This is fantastic.
We never get
a chance to talk.

When the kids were here,
we only talked about them.

Now we get
to talk about us.

I mean,
this is a gab-fest.

Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak.

So...

Uh...

What's going on with you?

I have absolutely no idea
what I'm going to do
with the rest of my life.

I can't even decide
whether I should go
to New York with you

for that interview.
I'd just be tagging along

out of pure panic
and insecurity.

You know, but it's ironic
that the minute we have

time together that we, like,
immediately separate.

Although, if we force
ourselves to be together

instead of letting it
happen naturally,

what are we proving?

Well,

I don't know what
to tell you, baby.

I gotta pack.

Good morning, sir.

How are you?
I'm fine, thank you.

(CAR DOORS SHUTTING)

(ENGINE STARTING)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Welcome aboard
Tri-State Air Flight 42

to New York.

If you'd make sure
your seat belts are
securely fastened,

we'll be able
to pull away...

Uhh!
Ohh!

(CRASH)

Ohh!

Surprise!

Henry?

Henry?

Henry!

What?
Are you excited I came?

What?
Are you excited I came?

I'm very excited.

'Cause you don't
sound excited, Henry.

I'm holding it in.

He's excited.
We're all excited, okay?

Oh, Henry, you forgot
your foot chums.

What?
Your foot chums.

Aah!

Here, could you pass
these down, please,

over there to that man?

No, that's...

Oh, and he
always forgets this.

For the whole trip,
he'll be complaining
about his rash.

Could you pass that down?
For the next two days,

it's gonna be scratch,
scratch, scratch,

flake, flake, flake.

(GASPS)

MAN: Let them
sit together.

Thanks.

Here we go.

Oh, uh, sorry.
We're not gonna be eating.
Okay.

Don't you think
we should have a little
something, Henry?

Baby, we're gonna be eating
in one of the great hotels
in the world.

You don't
want to ruin that

with a moldy leftover
ham and cheese sandwich.

He's sorry.

That's okay.

Besides, I'm
too nervous to eat.

Why are you nervous?
It's only an interview.

It's not like
you don't have a job.

Well, this is different.

It's senior
creative director.

It's the big time.

It'll be all right, honey.

Great city, isn't it?

All I see is fog.

PILOT: Well, folks,
bad news this afternoon.

New York is
completely fogged in.

We've been diverted to
Logan Airport in Boston.

Boston?
Boston?

We're here.
I'll see if
there's any flights

going anywhere
near New York.

All right,
and I'll get the bags.

I'll meet you
at the carousel.

Okay.

Henry?

Yes, I'm still
excited you came.

Bags.

Ooh!

The buses are filled
until 3:00 in the morning.

The next train to New York
from South Station

is in 20 minutes.

(WHISTLING)

There's a train
in 20 minutes,

gets us into New York...
Where are the bags?

They didn't come out.

What do you mean
they didn't come out?

I can't say it any simpler
than that, Henry.

They didn't come out.

What do you mean
they didn't come out?

Calm down, Henry.
How can I calm down?

I've got to be in New York
tomorrow morning

for the most important
interview of my...

Just give me the claim...
The check... Give me...

Henry!
Excuse me! Excuse me!

Are there any more
bags up there?

We were supposed to land...
Are you crazy?

Listen, I'm Henry Clark
from Flight 42.

It's 3-6-4...

You're gonna
get hurt!

...6-T-dash-7... Ohh!

That's not our bag!

Can you describe
the bags?

Yes, I have
a brown suitcase,
a brown garment bag,

and three blue sportsacs.

Mr. Clark, many bags
look alike.

It most cases,
specific descriptions

lead to apprehending
the suspect.

My bags didn't
murder anyone.
They just got lost.

Henry,
look at this.

All right, um,

my suitcase looks
something like that.

Would that be the 24-
or the 26-inch model?

Gee, honey, in my rush
to leave the house,

I forgot to
measure my bags.

Oh, it looks
a little like this.

It's kinda rough,
but it'll give you an idea.

Wow! Are you an artist?

Well, I used to be
in advertising
with my husband.

This is
a fantastic drawing.

Thank you.

Unfortunately,
we don't have that bag.

Where will you be staying
in the Boston area?

In the Boston area,
we will be staying
in New York.

Oh, Henry, calm down.
There's plenty of cabs.

It's not worth getting
a heart attack over.

I should have eaten.

You know how dizzy I get
when I don't eat.
I'm reeling.

I know.
Well, there's plenty
of food on the train.

You just have to go
with the flow.

All right, you're right,
you're right.

I'm calming down.
I am going to calm down.

Good.

Thank you,
thank you.

What's that taste?
What taste?

Did you have
peanut butter?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Where did you get
peanut butter?
I didn't.

You usually don't taste
like peanut butter.

That's it.
I'm throwing away
that lipstick.

You had peanut butter.
I did not.

Yes, you did.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

All right,
I confess, okay?

I went to
the vending machine

while I was waiting
for the bags.
Aha!

I had 75 cents.

I put it into
the vending machine,

it didn't make change,
and so I ate them all!

How many were there?
Two.

Two? Well, I'm dizzy.

Oh, Henry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It doesn't mean
I don't love you.

I, uh, hate to interrupt,
but are we going anywhere?

Oh, my God! I thought
we were already moving.

South Station.
We have 10 minutes
to catch a train.

Oh, my God!

HENRY: Come on, come on,
we can make it!

All right, all right.

Aah!
Ohh!

Did we miss it?

Uh, the 3:38
to New York?

Yeah.
We missed it.

This can't be happening.

Oh, Henry, if you're
a little late,

they won't mind.
They'll understand.

They do not
give a position
of responsibility

to a man who cannot get
from Ohio to New York

in 24 hours.

But in the world
of advertising,

I really don't think
that makes any difference.

If you want to be
a messenger, maybe.

Do I have time to
go to the bathroom?

All the time
in the world.

Okay. And don't worry, honey,

we'll get the next
train to New York.

No, we'll rent a car.

They... They don't
leave without you,

and they don't get
diverted to Boston.

Okay. Okay, sweetie,
whatever.

I'll meet you...
Five minutes.

Excuse me.

MAN ON PA:
Your attention, please.

The 3:38 metroliner
to New York

is now leaving
on track 12.

This is your
final boarding call.

All aboard!

Nancy?

Nancy?

Excuse me?
Excuse me?

Excuse me?
Excuse me? Ohh!

Excuse me, can you tell me
where the ladies' room is?

You mean
the men's room.

No, I don't need
the men's room,
I need the ladies' room.

Over there.
Ohh!

Nancy? Nancy,
we can still
make the train.

We can still... Uhh.

Excuse me,
can you go in there
and get my wife, please?

It's an emergency.
She's wearing a brown coat,

she has a blue dress,
uh, blonde hair,

and... Just thanks, thanks.

Henry, I got lost.

Nancy, we can still
make the train.

Come on, come on, come on.
Henry, I have to go...

No, no, we don't have time.
It leaves in two minutes.

The train's still here?

She didn't want
to come out!

This way, this way, this way!
Come on, come on!

Okay.

I'll run on ahead.

Run ahead of me.
I can't in these heels.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
Oh, my God!

Hold it!

Hold it! Okay.

Oh, it's here.

All right. Okay.

Oh, on a full bladder,
I made it.

Oh, I forgive you
the peanut butter.

Okay. Come on,
I'm exhausted.

Let's see if
we can get a seat.

Ohh.
Ohh.

Oh.

Excuse me,

is this the 3:38
to New York?

No, that is.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

Oh.

Hertz, nothing, Avis,
nothing, budget, nothing.

We've gotta find a car.

I know. We have
to be nice, Henry.

We have to be nice.
Gotta be nice.

Yeah. The guy at Avis
didn't like you very much.

We were both
in a bad mood.
Be nice.

Hi, can I help you folks?

Well, yes, but first,
how are you?

Fine.
Great. Well, we'd
like to rent a car.

Great. Compact,
midsize, or luxury?

Ah, compacted.

Okay.

Oh, actually, we're
all out of compacts.

Oh, midsize
would be fine.

Okay.

Oops, actually,

we don't have any
midsized vehicles either.

All we have is
one luxury sedan.

Huh.

Well, I'm not sure
why you asked, then,

what car we...
We'll take
a luxury sedan.

Okay.
Sounds good.

You know, honey,
they should really
change this sign

to "we have car."

If I could have
your credit card?

Absolutely.

I think you'll
enjoy the car, sir.

It's totally
state-of-the-art.
Practically drives itself.

Would you like the
collision insurance?

Well, if the car
drives itself and
we have an accident,

then it would be
the car's fault, right?

♪ People all over
the world ♪

♪ World ♪
♪ Join hands ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ Start a love train ♪
♪ Start a love train ♪

♪ Love train ♪
♪ Get onboard ♪

♪ People all over
the world ♪

♪ Come on ♪
♪ Join hands ♪

♪ Let's ride this train ♪

♪ Start a love train ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Love train ♪

♪ Mmm-mmm ♪
♪ Love ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Let it ride ♪

Boy, it's hot in here.

Ohh! It tells you
everything about a heater

except how to
shut it off.
Oh, perfect.

Oh, Henry, what
are we gonna do?

I'm melting
out of my dress.

I don't understand.
It's got an engage switch
but no disengage.

It's a thousand
degrees in here.

It's like a setting
for a pot roast.

Honey, it's freezing!
Put that up!

It feels so good.

Oh, jeez!

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC CHANGES)

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

Ohh! Mmm!

(SIGHS)

Henry, are we in a rut?

No way.
I might be in a rut,
but we're not in a rut.

Why are you in a rut?

Well, same thing
every day,

knowing exactly
what to expect.

That's a rut.

Well, I'm in more
of a rut than you are,

'cause every since
Alan's been gone,

every morning I wake up

and I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

It's been one morning.

Well, I didn't say
a long rut,

but it's a start.

So we're both in a rut.

Separately.

I might be in a rut
and you might be in a rut,

but we are not in a rut,

because if we were in
a rut, that would be...

That would be
a real rut, Henry.

♪ Old black magic
has me in its spell ♪

HENRY: Okay, there's
a fork coming up.

Which way do I go?

Okay, um, do you see

a sign that says,
"Cross Bronx Expressway"?

Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am.

Good.

Okay, go past that...
What do you mean
go past it?

Then you'll hit
a sign that'll say
"Triborough Bridge."

It'll take you
right into Manhattan.

I already made the turn.

What do you mean
you turned?
I made the turn.

I didn't tell you to turn.
You implied it.

I did not imply it.
You did, too.

No, how can you
imply a turn?

I wouldn't even know
how to imply a turn.

Let me tell you,
you know how to
imply a turn.

Is that a map
in front of you or what?

Oh, well, gee,
I don't know, Henry.

I'm not a cartographer,
but it looks like a map.

It's got a lot of squiggly
little lines all over it.

You want to see?

Hey! That's not funny.

♪ Oh, you're the lover
I have waited for

♪ You're the mate that
fate had me created for ♪

Okay, just stay
to the right,
right up here.

Are you sure, Henry?
Why don't we use that
navigation system?

Honey, I'm in charge
of the map now.

You just go straight
across the Triborough Bridge,
onto the FDR,

and we're right into
the heart of Manhattan.

All right.

Is that New York City
back there?

What are you
talking about?

Oh, no, this is the
George Washington Bridge.

This map...
What do you mean,
the map?

You think everything I do
is from reading the map?

COMPUTER VOICE:
Proceed down Grand Street.

"Proceed down
Grand Street."

Oh, don't feel bad.

He's obviously
been here before.
He knows the city.

Well, I wouldn't have
been confused at all

if we'd come into the city
the right way.

Well, he is not confused.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Huh? It's French.
What's that?

Here, just press
this over here.

No, no, no, no,
don't press it.

Why, Henry?
I don't know droit.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Oh, no!
What did he say?
What did he say?

It's Chinese or something.
Find Spanish.
Just find Spanish.

No, what's he saying?
Find Spanish.

I can't find Spanish.
I don't know how
to work this thing.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I'll press...
I'll press that.

Henry, do something!

Nancy, Nancy!
Aah!

Turn! Turn! Turn!

Nancy, it's fish!

Oh, my God! God!

Aah!

Put on the brake!
The brake!

Aah!
Aah!

(COMPUTER SPEAKING FRENCH)

How's your nose, honey?

It's tender to the touch,
just like me.

What's the bill?
Oh, it's $2,200.

I could have bought
a car for that.

Oh, I know.

Oh, look at New York.

Where?

Honey, I want
to get to the hotel.

How do we get there?
That's very simple.

The streets of New York

are laid out
on a rigid grid.

Yeah, like somebody
else I know.

You want to get
there or not?

Yes, I do. All right,
so we follow the rigid grid

to Park Avenue
and 64th Street.

But now, all right,
now wait, right now
we're at...

No, don't look
around at the signs.

That's how people know
you're from out of town.

You don't want that.

By the way, there's
a walk New Yorkers have.

They never stroll.

They always look like
they have someplace,

you know, really
important to go to.

Okay.
It's gotta be like, uh...

It's, uh...

(LAUGHING) Henry.

You know, go ahead
and make fun, you know,

but you walk like a tourist,
and that's how you get
in trouble.

Excuse me. I'm terribly
sorry to disturb you.

I can't tell you how
embarrassing this is.

I just left all my money
and credit cards in a cab.

I'm late to a rehearsal.
I've got a play on Broadway
at the moment.

If I could borrow
$5.00 for a taxi,

you can come with me
to the theater.

I will pay you back there.
You expect us
to believe this?

No. No, I suppose not.
I'm sorry to have
bothered you.

What play?
Nancy, there's no play.

Actually, it's a revival

of Jesus Christ Superstar
at the Broadhurst Theater.

Do come if you
get the chance.

Wait a minute.
Jesus Christ Superstar?

Oh, my God. Are you
Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Yes... Thank you. I...

Oh, honey, it's
Andrew Lloyd Webber!

We go into previews
next week, and as I said...

We love
Jesus Christ Superstar.

We saw
Phantom of the Opera.
And Evita.

And Evita.
That was so great.

And Cats...
Ohhh...

Oh, honey, that was just...

It hit so home for us.

We lost a cat that year.

It didn't sing
like your cats.

I'm Henry Clark, and
this is my wife Nancy.

A pleasure
to meet you both.

We'd be honored
to lend you anything.

No. Please. You mustn't
take out an open wallet
in the city,

no matter how much
the crime rate's dropped.

Yeah, well, I...
I entered Yokelville.

Come on... Come over here.
Come on.

I am so embarrassed
about this.

No, don't be embarrassed.
When we tell the people
in Ohio

that we lent
Andrew Lloyd Webber five...

Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber...

Sir. Sir...
No, it's Lord.

I think he's a Lord.
Sir Lord.

Sir Lord. You know
Paul McCartney?

All right, shut up.

What's he like?
Is he, like, fun...

Shut up. Shut up!
What? Jesus!

Give me...
Give it to me!

Give me the bag.

Give me the bag.
Give me...

Give him the bag!
Hey... Oh, my God!

Ohh! Why are you
doing this?

Every show you do
is a hit!

HENRY: Hey!
Henry!

Henry, Andrew Lloyd Webber
just stole my pocketbook!

He's not Andrew Lloyd Webber.
He's just a common criminal.

Oh, Henry. I have
jelly legs, honey!

Come on. Let's
get outta here.

What are we
gonna do, Henry?

Here. Here.
Okay. Okay, watch.

What are you
doing, Henry?

Credit card.
I put it in my sock

when we were
on the plane.

Oh! You're a genius!

Thank you, thank you.
My God! You're a genius!

Put it away! We might run
into Stephen Sondheim.

Hello.
Hello.

Ohhh...

Oh, thank God. Look!

Look at this place.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, it's good
to be inside.

Michelle, is that
a new haircut?

Yes, it is.

I think you'd better
stay in the back
for a while.

(DING)

Good evening. Welcome
to the Grand Mark Hotel.

How may I be
of service to you?

We have a reservation.
Clark.

My name is Mersault,
the manager of the hotel.

Yes, here we are.
Mr. and Mrs. Clark.

If there's anything
at all I can do

to make your stay
more pleasant,

please don't hesitate
to let me know.

That would be
room service.

We haven't eaten
since this morning.

Oh, we're starving.

Send a complimentary basket
of fruit and cheese up,

along with a fine merlot?

Oh, yummy.

If I could just
have an imprint
of your credit card?

And then we'll have you
up to your...

To... Uh, to your room...
In a jiffy.

You wouldn't believe
what we've been through.

First our flight
was rerouted.

Then they sent us
to Boston.

And then when
we finally got here,

we were mugged
by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

How extraordinary.

Well, I'll certainly
mention it next time
he stays with us.

Perhaps he's under some
strain at the moment.

Ah. We have
a message for you.

"We have
located your luggage."

"Thanks again to Mrs. Clark
for the lovely sketch."

"We will deliver
to the hotel
later this evening."

Oh, they're so sweet, honey.

Oh, God.

At last, some good news.

Um, I'm afraid
we seem to have

a little problem
with your credit card.

What kind of problem?

A financial one.
Would you care
to speak to them?

Yes? This is...

This is Henry Clark.

I've never had a problem
with my credit card.

Have I ever had a problem
with my credit card?

I don't know who you had
a problem with, Henry.

No, I never purchased
anything at Uncle's Stereo
in Manhattan.

$800 at Sofas You Love?

Susan Clark.
Yes, she's my daughter.

She's how much overdue?

I understand. Thank you.

Nancy. Nancy.
You won't believe this.

Susan has stolen
one of our credit cards.

What are you doing, Henry?

I'm going to call her
so I can scream at someone.

The battery's dead.

May I borrow your phone?

Uh, there's a pay phone
on Lexington and 64th.

Henry. Henry, I'm gonna
tell you something,

but I want you to
promise not to lose it.

See, she couldn't stay
in the med school dorms

because that was just
for enrolled students,

she was looking
for an apartment

once she decided that
she was gonna drop out

and become an actress,
that's why I gave her
the credit card.

Don't be mad at her, Henry.
Be mad at me.

How about if I'm mad
at both of you?

I was just trying
to protect you.

Don't try and protect me.

Susan has dropped out
of med school,

and you didn't tell me?

No, because
when I tell you...

Sorry to interrupt,

but as the credit card company
won't honor the charges,

I'm afraid I'm unable
to offer you a room,

but do please come back
when you have some money.

Oh... Please?

Can't you
just trust us?

(CHOKING ON HIS LAUGHTER)

(ALL LAUGH)

Are you throwing us out?

Good heavens, no. No, no.
Security will do that.

Oh, I don't believe this.

What do we do now?

We're going to Susan's.
No. Thank you.

Henry, it's her life.
It took a lot of courage
to drop out.

It's easy to be courageous
with daddy's credit card.

Well, it's her passion.
Don't you understand
passion?

Hey, I'm filled
with passion.

When I was her age,
I wanted to be a writer,

my father practically
went berserk.

Well, isn't this
the same situation?

No, because I went to him,
and I discussed it with him.

Well, then we're
going to Susan's,

and we're gonna
discuss it with her.

Call me crazy,
but somehow
I'm not in the mood

to see her new furniture
right now.

Eventually you're gonna
have to work this out
with her, Henry.

I'm supposed to work it
out with her?

After she throws away
$50,000 in tuition money

without even
consulting me?

Maybe that's the way
they do it in bizarro world,

but not in Ohio.

This is not Ohio, Henry.
It's New York.

And we're hungry
and homeless,

which is exactly what
my parents said I'd be

if I married you.
I'm going!

What am I supposed to do?

All right. I'll follow you
till you get there,

but then I'm leaving!

I don't know
why you're being
so judgmental, Henry.

I mean, she might be
a wonderful actress.

And you'd actually
be very proud of her now
because she's writing.

I'm glad
you told me that.

I was worried there
for a minute,

but if she's going
to act and write...

Let's see. One...

Oh, here it is. 148.

Here it is.
Clark-Guerrero.

Who's Guerrero?
I don't know.

You don't know,
or you're not telling me?

Because we've established
there's a difference.

(BUZZ)
Where is she?

Probably stuck
in her new sofa.

(WHISPERING) Henry,
come on. Let's go.

I'm just gonna
stay outside here
and be difficult.

Go for it.
Come on, come on.

(GIGGLING)

(YAWNS AUDIBLY)

(LOUD KNOCKING)

Susan?

(SIGHS)

I'll write her
a little note.

Don't you touch
our paper.

I was just taking a little
sliver off the paper.

I was gonna write
a note to my daughter.
She lives in 2-B.

We don't know
the girl in 2-B.

Oh, she just moved in.
I'm her mother.

Ask her if she has I.D.
Do you have I.D.?

No, I don't have I.D.
Do you have a key?

I don't have a key.

Ask how she got in here.
How'd you get in?

Ask her to stop
asking me questions.

I don't have to answer.
I'm getting out.

Don't let her go.

Hold the lunatics'
convention somewhere else,

please?
I'm working here.

She was stealing our paper!

I came to see
my daughter in 2-B.
What's the matter with you?

Susan? Sweet girl.

You know Susan...

Professionally?

I hope not, because
this is a sick woman.

(MAN SCREAMS)

Hey! You break that rack,
you buy it!

It was really nice getting
to know all of you.

You're not going anywhere
till the cops get here.

Don't make me
set corky on you.

Look, I'm really tired
of this repartee.

And if you think that
I'm afraid of your dog,

well, ha, ha!
Hoo, hoo!

Aah!
Aah!

(DOG BARKING)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
You make
an excellent point.

She wasn't home!

No, no. I...

Nancy?

Nancy?

(DOG BARKING)
Oh, my God!

Nancy!

I am bustin'
my butt...

Hey!

Nancy!

Ohh! Throw it!

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Aah! Ohh! Aah!

Oh, good hands, babe.

All right, honey!

Okay!

All they care about
is food...

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Ohh! Ohh! This way!
This way!

In there!

(BARKING)

Ohh!
Ohh!

Oh, honey!

Incoming.

Croissants.

Bear claws.
Sticky buns.

Let's go.

Oh, oh, oh. Um,
there's no eating
before the meeting.

Meeting?

Nice to see
some new faces.

Sorry I'm late.
It's a great group.

Sit right down.
Let's begin.

First of all, I'd like
to welcome our new members.

If you could
introduce yourselves...

Uh, my name is Nancy,

and this is
my husband Henry.

ALL: Hi, Nancy and Henry.

Welcome.
Hello.

Welcome. Last week, we were
discussing Edward's problem.

Edward?

It's okay.

I'd like to start off
by letting everyone know

how much your support
has meant to me.

As you know,
I've been masturbating

up to 17 times a day.

Nancy, we have to go.

Henry, Nancy,

you're giving Edward
a very negative message.

Yeah?
Sit down, please.

We don't want to send
a negative message.

Not too close.

So, Edward, how was
last week for you?

It's been really wonderful,
thank you. Uh...

I've been concentrating
on translating

the sexual impulse into
other forms of expression.

Uh, working out regularly,
going to movies,

calling friends.

Trying to integrate
the urge

into a more well-rounded
lifestyle.

(BURSTS OUT LAUGHING)

That's about all.

Sheena, what about you?
Were you able to cut down

on your number of
random sexual encounters
during the week?

Well, I've had the flu,
so just my doctor.

Ah. Single digits.
That's great. Okay,

let's hear
from the new people.
What about you folks?

Actually, we just got
in here by mistake.

We really came in
to worship,

and this is
the wrong denomination.

My husband is right.
I mean,

actually, we don't really
even have sex that much.

Nancy!
Hmm?

Oh, so your problem
is lack of sex.

Tell us more.

You know something?
We're from Ohio,

and we really don't
discuss sex in public.

It's sort of our
state motto.

Well, actually, um...
That's part of the problem,

is that
we don't discuss it.

Nancy, we're from Ohio.

But we don't even really
do it very much anymore.

And when you do,
it's probably programmed

and lacking in spontaneity.

Exactly. It's like, um...

It's like we're
two dead people.

Nancy! Ohio!

So it's not so much

the declining frequency

as the fact that you've
both come to accept

this lack of physical
and emotional intimacy.

This is boring.
If this keeps up,

I'm gonna sleep
with somebody right now.

Have you tried tying
each other up with bamboo?

No. Actually,
we use the club.

Oh. The time. Well, okay.

Henry, discussing it

is the first step toward
solving the problem.

You know what?
I don't have a problem.

I mean, I enjoy sex as much
as the next guy. Euhh.

Henry, let's face it.

We haven't done it
in over two months.

(GROUP EXCLAIMING)

(SOMEONE WHISTLES)

Henry, clearly,
you have a problem.

Well, okay. I've been
a little tense lately.

What have you
been tense about?

What have I been
tense about?

Yeah.
Let's just say
I've been tense.

Well, why
have you been tense?

Why have I been tense?
Why have I been tense?

I don't know.

Like, I don't have
the right to be tense?

Henry, would you like
to share with the group

the reason
why you feel tense?

Yes. I'd love to share
this with the group.

I was fired.

I got fired!

You what?
I got fired.

You were fired?

This is the only interview
I could get

'cause I'm 106 years old,
and...

How could you
not tell me?

I was gonna here alone.
I was gonna get this job.

You came with me.
I had to lie to you
to keep it from you,

and it just creates
more tension!

I would love to
sleep with you, Henry.

I find failure very erotic.
Or success. Doesn't matter.

Oh... Shut up, Sheena!

Ohhh... (SOBS)

Uh, I'm... I'm sorry that,
uh, that we ruined your
meeting,

and I hope that you can all,
uh, stop having sex.

You were fired?

I don't believe it!

Not only do I hear it
for the first time,

but I hear it in front
of a bunch of perverts?

Oh, God! How could you
not tell me?

Hey, you lied to me
about Susan.

It wasn't really a lie.

It was an incremental
accumulation of half truths.

Oh, really. Well, then
mine wasn't a lie, either.

It was spin.

Did it ever occur to you
that I could've helped you?

We were partners.
We worked together.

I know a little bit
about advertising.

I... I couldn't tell you.
I was ashamed.

The only thing you have
to be ashamed of, Henry,
is not telling me.

If we can't be
honest with each other,

what kind of marriage
do we have?

I guess it's the kind where
I don't tell you I was fired

and you don't tell me
our daughter's been
embezzling from us.

It's very common.

So what did
Sellinski do,

just let you go
after 23 years?

They're letting
all the older guys
run out their contracts.

Apparently,
if you're over 40,

you're not
cutting-edge anymore.

Well, that's ridiculous.
You were never cutting-edge.

That's what
I told them.

All right, we're gonna
forget about Sellinski.

We're gonna
forget about them,

and this is
a whole new
start for you.

I'm not getting this job.

Not without a shave
and a clean suit

and a good night's sleep.
By tomorrow morning,

I'm gonna look
like Keith Richards.

Henry, now's not
the time to give up.

I'm not giving up.

Giving up is when you
can still get the job

and you give up.
I don't have that option.

I wish I could give up.

Henry, Henry,
you know what this is?

What is it?

It's a test. Here we are
in the middle of our lives,

and we have
a decision to make.

Are we on a...
A slow march toward death,

or are we gonna
embrace life?

Slow march toward death?

No! Embrace life!

I want to live!
I want to feel useful!

I want to explore
and experience!

I... I want to suck
the marrow
out of life, Henry!

What do you want?

Well, I... I definitely want
to do some marrow-sucking.

Uh, but otherwise,
I think I...

I just want to catch up
on my reading...

And, you know, fix
those kitchen cabinets
that are broken.

That's it?
That all you want to do

is just sit home
fixing things and reading

for the rest
of your life?

'Cause I don't know how
I fit into that plan, Henry.

All you need
is a good light
and a hammer.

Maybe we have
different plans.

Oh, come on, Henry.

Come on, think.

Think, honey.
There must be something.

Well... Um...

I'd like to get some food.
I'm hungry.

And, you know, uh...
We don't have any bags.

We don't have any money,
so that's a...

Bags! Oh! Henry!

The bags! Remember?
When we went to Freeport?

We can't eat the bags.
I know we can't
eat the bags.

Remember when we went
to Freeport and you told me

to put the travelers' checks
inside the bag?

They're in the bag!
Let's go back to the hotel
and find them.

You left them in the bag?
I left them in the bag.

You left... How much?

$600.
$600?

It's not earning interest
when it's in the bag.

Oh, stop it.

Here he is.

We're back.

Mr. and Mrs. Clark,
the sequel.

Did our luggage
get here yet?

I'm afraid not,
but I'll let you know

the moment it arrives,
if you care to write
the name

of your hostel there.

Very funny.

But how very nice
to see you!

Oh, thank you.
You know,
it's so nice to...

How was Monte Carlo?

Oh, it would not
stop raining.

Damn the French!

The doorman at the curb

did not help Mrs. Wellstone
out of the car.
Damn the doorman.

He was helping some large,
unfortunate woman

with a crated animal.

They should've
both been crated.

Good point.
I'll have all three of
them removed immediately.

Now, that is the kind
of service I expect.

And that's the kind of
service you shall receive,
Mr. Wellstone,

as long as
I'm aboveground.

MRS. WELLSTONE:
Maybe you two should
get a room together.

MERSAULT:
I'm here to serve.

You and me both.

Now, is there
anything at all
that I can get you?

MR. WELLSTONE: Just make
sure that it doesn't rain
while we're here.

I'll speak
to housekeeping.

And, Mrs. Wellstone,
I just love those shoes.

Don't break my heart

and tell me
they're not real leopard.

Mmm-hmm.
(LAUGHS)

Come on, come on.

MR. WELLSTONE:
Off we go.

Henry, look!

I don't want
to get you
too excited,

but I think
they have trail mix.

Buffet time, honey.

I'm gonna find a bathroom.
Order me a peanut.

Thank you.

Ohhh...

(CRUNCHING LOUDLY)

(CRUNCHING) Mmm.

(CHUCKLING)

Special diet?

Mmm-hmm.

Could I get you
something to
drink with that?

Oh, no, thank you.
I wouldn't want to impose.

Oh, no imposition.

Are you sure
I couldn't get you...

Champagne.

Champagne for the lady.

Thank you.

(CRUNCHING LOUDLY)

Can I have some
of those cherries, please?

Sure.

No, the whole thing.
The whole thing.

Thank you. Mmm-hmm.

Mmm. Oh, thank you.

Hi. I'm... I'm Greg.
I'm here from LA.

I'm an agent.

I'm on my way
down to the village

to check out this
new Irish playwright

for a sitcom
that I packaged.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

Actually, I've got
an extra ticket,

and I do have a limo...
If you'd be interested.

Are you staying
in the hotel, Greg?

Yes. Suite. 14th floor.

Mmm. Are you alone?

Just me and
my expense account.

(CHUCKLES LOUDLY)

You're funny, Greg.

Hey, baby,
how's it goin'?

Oh, shut up.
What are you, 106?

Let's move to a table.

It won't be so noisy.

Okay. Yeah, sure.

Well.

So, do you
come here often?

Only when my husband
works late.

You're married.
I'm sorry.
I never would've...

No. Uh, actually,
I think my husband's
having an affair.

Oh.
Yeah.

Really.

In fact, I wish he'd
stay out more often.

You know. Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Look, I don't
want to seem

like one of those
successful guys

that blows in
from the west coast

for a few meetings
and a good time,

but if you wanted to
get together anytime...

Give me the key
to your room, Greg.

What?

Oh, come on.
Let's not play
games, Greg.

You know what
we're talking about.

Ha-ha! I was wondering

if I might speak
with you for a moment?

No! Creep.

I am trying to have
a conversation with
this gentleman. Okay?

Please stop
harassing me,

or I'm gonna call
the manager.

Now, go away. Just go!

Oh!

That's sick.

Yeah, I know.
A guy that age
trying to pick up

someone like you.

I have to leave.
My adult diapers
are bunching up.

He just doesn't
want to leave.

He's in here every night.
He's chatting me up.

It's, like, you know...
It's pathetic.

Yes.

So, Greg...
Mmm?

Is what I think's gonna
happen gonna happen?

Mmm? 'Cause if it is,

you're in for the wildest
night of your life.

I'll be back around 10:00,
10:30. Is that good?

I'll be waiting
in your room.

I don't know.
Um...

You don't know?

No. No, I don't.

Mmm. Too bad, Greg.

(CHUCKLES SEDUCTIVELY)

Because you don't know
what you'll be missing.

Hey. Hey, look, look.
Wait. Ahem.

My room number's
1402, okay?

And I'll see you there
around 10:00, 10:30?

But hang on. I don't
even know your name.

What's your name?

(CHUCKLES)
Mrs. Robinson.

Mrs. Robinson. That's sexy.

Hey.

Nice to meet you,
Mrs. Robinson.

See you later.

We'll have the lobster,
the grilled salmon,

and the creme brûlée,
please.

And could you throw in
a couple of steaks?

No dressing
on the salad,

and we need this
as soon as possible.

Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.

You were really something
at the bar tonight.

Oh, Henry, we are
going to have

the best meal
of all time!

I barely recognized you.

You were so animalistic.
You were so hedonistic.

You were so naughty.
Oh, you're so sweet, honey.

Fries! Henry,
we didn't order any fries!

Like you were some
cheap, tawdry sex machine.

(RATTLING)
(BOTH GASP)

Mrs. Robinson?

Mrs. Robinson.
You in there? Hello.

It's your agent.
I want to see you.

Uh, I'll be right there...

What's his name?

...Greg!

All right.
But I'm timing you

on a very expensive
watch.

Honey,
you have to hide.

I will not hide!

But this is his room!

I am your husband!
GREG: Come on!

All right, all right,
where? Here!

Here. Just get...
Just scoot under the bed!

It's too small!

Get something
to camouflage...

Uhh! Ooh!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Mrs. Robinson.

Cut it...
Can you see me?

Yes, I... Shh!

Pull me out. I'm stuck.

30 seconds!

Uh! Uh! Uh!

Okay. All right.

All right.
All right.

Don't you let him...
You know, and...

And whatever you...
Don't... Don't you...

Honey, I won't!
Just shut up!

Hi.
Hi.

I was wondering
if you'd still be here.

Oh, well, why
wouldn't I be?

I don't know.
Some women might find

this kind of scenario
a little intimidating.

I don't find this
scenario intimidating.

I find it kind of,
um, dangerous

in an erotic sense.

Oh...

(LAUGHS)

I love the way
you put words together.

Well, I've always been
good with my mouth.

Oh. Well.

Uh... Oh.

Oh, my lucky day. Ohh!

Ooh! Uh...
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I didn't expect to
see you back so soon.

Uh, I forgot my cell phone.
You did?

Yeah.
Oh.

Can't be without it.

Right. You must be
a very important person.

Maybe later I'll show you
my phone list.

Oh, really? Ooh!

Ooh, you like that?
I didn't do anything.

Oh. Really?
No.

How about a little sample
before I go?

All good things happen
to those who wait.

Oh, really?

Yeah. And I have
a really, really

big surprise for you
when you get back.

Yeah? Give me a hint.

Well, you better bring
a fire extinguisher.

Oh, Mrs. Robinson!

Ohh! Oh, now,
don't start now.

Don't start now.
If you do,
I'll never stop.

(GIGGLES)

Hey ya.
Hi.

"Don't start. I won't
be able to stop"?

Well, I had to think
of something, Henry!

Excuse me.
Who's that for?

1402.

I'm 1402.

You know what think?
I think you're enjoying this.

Well, maybe I am.

I knew it!

You know me.
When I'm hungry,
I'll seduce anyone.

Oh, that's comforting.

Did you order this?

What's he doing here?

Uh... He's my husband.

Uh, Mr. Robinson.

And how dare you try
to seduce my wife!

She's twice your age!
Henry!

Is this for three?
I only have settings
for two.

Are you crazy?
I'm not paying for this!

I'll have to call
the manager.

I'm gonna call the police.

Ohhh! Oh!

(DOOR SLAMS)
Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey, hey!

Go! Go! Come on!
Get security!

Henry, we're in trouble.
What are we gonna do?

Calm down. This can't
be the first time

someone seduced a guest
to get his keys

so they could
order a free meal
and have sex in his suite.

Be careful.

Shit!
Oh! Henry!

(WINDOW CLOSES)

Henry, come over here.

Ohhh! Ohh!

Henry, look, that door's
open down there.

I think we can make it
to the balcony.

I think we can make
it to the street.

We just have to
climb down the side.

Are you insane?

Henry. Henry. Watch.

Nancy! Nancy,
Nancy, Nancy!

Nancy,
what are you doing?

You're gonna kill yourself!

I'm telling you,
they were in that room
not two minutes ago.

This woman shows up,
begs to be let inside.

I'm not the type of guy
that's gonna
turn someone away.

Ohh... Ohhh!

Nancy!

Uhh! Aah! Ohh!

Ohh!

Nancy, I'm gonna have you
checked for testicles.

If anything is gone from
my room, I am suing,

and no one from LA
will ever stay
in this hotel again!

Come on, Henry!

You can do it,
honey!

Yeah, okay.

Oh, baby, oh, baby...

Step by step.

GREG: Look at what
they did in here.

Look, I'm telling you
the truth!

I think I'd know

if I was trying
to seduce someone, okay?

Mr. Allred, would you
sign this, please?

GREG: Can I ask
you a question?

What is it like
to be so stupid?

Come on, sweetie.
Don't be scared.

I can do it.
I do this all the time.

(CHANTING BUDDHIST CHANT)

Hold on, Henry.
I'll be right back.

What? Where...
Where you going?

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Yeah

♪ Bad girl

♪ Bad girl

♪ Talkin' about
the sad girl

♪ Sad girl

♪ Yeah

♪ A sad girl

♪ Sad girl

♪ Talking about
a bad, bad girl, yeah

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Now, don't you
ask yourself

♪ Who they are

♪ Like everybody else

♪ They wanna be a

♪ Star

Whoo!

Oh, my God! Henry,
Mersault is dancing

in ladies' clothes
to Bad Girls.

I don't think I can
get into heaven

if that's the last thing
I see before I die.

Okay, hurry up.
You gotta see this.

Okay. Here I come.
Aah! Aah!

Oh, Nancy! Oh, Nancy!
Oh, Nancy!

Henry! Ohh!

Oh, Nancy!

Over here!
Swing to me, honey!

I would love to!

Okay. Henry,
give me your foot!

I'm trying!

(ELECTRICAL POPPING)

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Friday night

♪ And the strip is hot
♪ Hot ♪

Ooh! Give me
your coat!

I'm trying!
Aah!

Give me your coat!
I got it!

Henry, come on!

Ohh!

Oh!

Come on, Henry!

Ow! Ohh!
Aah! Aah!

Ohh!
Ohh!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, now what
the bloody hell
is going on here?

MAN: Where's
the manager?

Henry.

Can't I have
a moment's...
(BEEPING)

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Shut up!

(BEEPING)

Ohh! All right,
all right.

Don't get your knickers
in a twist.

Look.

Can't a girl
have some fun?

(SIGHS)

I could've danced
all night.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Hey! Hey, you're
the manager, right?

Hello! You
checked me in!

Let me tell you
something.

Norman Bates could
do a better job

of running this hotel
than you could.

You've got scam artists
waltzing into people's rooms,

morons delivering
room service,
and on top of that,

you can't even keep
the lights on!

Huh? Well, I am
an unsatisfied customer!

So you better deal with me!

Shut up!

Silly bitch!

GREG: Ohh!

Henry, walk normally.

Walk normally.
Don't run. Don't run, honey.

Taxi! Taxi!

Are you crazy? We don't have
any money for a cab.

Yes, we do. I took $20
from the Wellstones' room.

Who are you?

There's a taxi.

Hey! Hey!
Taxi!

Tax... Wait, honey.
Honey, wait.

Come on, come on!

(HORNS HONKING)

Oh, my God, honey!

Here! Now! Now! Now!

Oh, my God!
We got it!

Whew!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Are we lucky
we found you.

Second Avenue and
St. Mark's Place, please.

That's Susan's apartment.

Henry, please, let's
not argue about this.

Get out.

What?
Excuse me?

Get out of the cab now.

I think we better
get out, Henry.

Hey, we're not
getting out.

He said to get out, Henry.
I think we should...

Listen, I know
what the rules are.
He has to take us

anywhere
in the five boroughs
we want to go.

We're also entitled
to an incense-free ride.

I'm telling you
one last time, get out!

You might think
we're insignificant
out-of-towners from Ohio,

but I happen to know
what our rights are.

In fact, I think I'm
just gonna write down

your name
and license number.

"Hortense Wilson."

"Hortense"?
"Hortense"?

(ALARM RINGS)

What's that?

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

I think... Aah!

What the hell is this?
They wouldn't get out.

Oh, no. Guess what.
We changed our mind.

We'd like to get out over
there on the corner.

If you could just pull over,
it would be...

Shut up!
Yeah.

(WHIMPERS)

If you let us off
at the next corner,

my wife and I
give you our oath

we will not
bear witness.

Nancy, tell them we will
not bear witness.

No, we will not
bear witness.

We don't know how
to bear witness.

We've never...
We've never...
Shut up!

Hey! I got it!
I got it!

They got the gun!

Out, Nancy! Out!

Look out!
Jump! Jump! Jump!

Oh!

Oh! Ow! Jeez!

Are you okay?
Are you okay, baby?

Let me catch my breath.

Are you okay?

Oh, Henry.
Oh, my God.

I'm shaking.

Do you believe
what just happened?

I know, honey.

Oh, my God.
You're so brave.

Nah, not really.
Oh, you are, honey.

You're a hero.
You saved our lives.

Well, maybe
just a little bit.

Come on. Are you okay?
Now come on. Huh?

Henry, I saw my whole life
flash before my eyes.

All I could think of was,

I'll never see
my children again.

Did you think
about me at all?

Oh, there was
so little time.

You had time for
your whole life

to pass in front
of your eyes,
and I wasn't in it?

Oh, Henry, please.
Don't be so sensitive.

Of course I'm gonna think
about the children
at a time like this.

They're my kids.
They need me.

I'm all they've got.

And who am I,
the anonymous sperm donor?

Well, you might as well be.

You asked for that one.

What do you mean by that?

Well, the way you're treating
Susan, for one, Henry.

Let me...
Let me just say...

You know,
we have to learn to think
about each other more,

because the kids are gone,
and we're all we have.

Well, you make that
sound appealing.

Because unless
we find some way

of relating to each other
and find some
common ground...

We what?
You know, we...

We are gonna...
What?

What, Henry?
We're gonna get a divorce?

Is that what you're
trying to say?

What I'm saying
is that you have
to learn to let go,

and you have to get
over this fear

of not being able
to play mommy anymore.

I want a divorce.

Nancy, that's ridiculous.

That's right.
I'm ridiculous,

which is exactly what you
used to like about me.

But you have become
incredibly stubborn

and insensitive
and set in your ways.

And after 27 years,
I've had enough!

(CRYING)

Well, you have really
been mistreated.

While other husbands
are out getting drunk

and having sex
with 18-year-olds,

what does
your husband do?

He's a little boring.

He's a little
insensitive.

Big deal.

I don't know how
you put up with it,
Madame Bovary!

Oh!

Oh!

There you are.
Oh!

Oh, Henry.

Oh.

I'm sorry, honey.

Oh, how did
we get here?

We just got older,
that's all.

I don't mind
getting older, Henry.

Neither do I.
I don't.

I don't even
want to be 17 again.

Neither do I.

That notion that
when you're younger,

everything
is perfect.

I wouldn't mind feeling
like I'm 17 sometimes.

I wouldn't, either.

How do we do that?

Oh, Henry. When
we were younger,

this would've been
one big adventure.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I don't know.

We used to have fun.

Yeah.

Remember your
grandfather's house?

We were in that
little stupid motel,

and then we made
love all night

'cause we were
so scared.

That's where you
killed my grandfather.

Oh, I did not.

Yes, you did.
Henry.

You can't wear that outfit

around a man without
a single open artery.

What outfit?

The one with the black
tight pants

with that daffodil patch.

You remember that?
Yeah.

What else?
What else?

I remember you had that
heart-shaped blouse

with that big heart thing.

You looked like a person
who worked in a hospital.

Oh, that's sexy.

(JAZZ COMBO PLAYING)

♪ That old black magic
has me

♪ In its spell

♪ That old... ♪

Where are we?

Yeah.

There's nobody here.

Hmm. Well.

You look so sexy
right now.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

I guess it's that
rolling-out-of-a-cab look
you like, huh?

You smell sexy.

Oh, Henry.

Henry.

I hear music.

A kiss will do that.

Mmm.

Thank you very much.
And now, ladies
and gentlemen,

the Mayor of New York,
the Honorable Rudy Giuliani.

Yes.
Hear! Hear!

Thank you very much.

This evening
would not be possible

without the generosity
and perseverance

of Mrs. Florence Needleman,

who, as part of our
"Light Up the City" campaign,

is dedicating
a part of the park

in loving memory
of her husband Manny.

Mrs. Needleman.

Manny and I shared some
of our loveliest memories
here in Central Park,

and my Manny would be
so happy to know

that we have
returned the park

to the good, law-abiding
citizens of New York.

NANCY: Honey! Oh, honey!

And he'd
be especially pleased

with the new monument
that has been erected.

Ahh! Oh, Henry!

So, without further ado,

let's get to it.

Ahh! Ahh!
Oh, Henry!

Oh.

Come on, baby!
Oh, Henry!

We gotta go, baby.
Come on.

This is so embarrassing.
Put your pants on.

This way! This way!

NANCY:
They're chasing us.

"Public fornication" won't
look good on my resume.

Oh, Henry,
I got grass...

Grass...
Grass in my ass.

Halt!

Henry, run faster!
Faster!

WOMAN ON POLICE RADIO:
Looking for two suspects
on foot.

A white male and female,
partially disrobed.

Come on.

(OUT OF BREATH)

I think we lost
them, honey.

Over here.
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Were we nuts?

Well, we just got lost
in our essence.

There's cops
everywhere.

We're gonna have to
lay low for a while.

There's something
I never thought
I'd hear myself say.

Yeah. Get down,
sweetie.

Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me.

Let's just stay here
for a few minutes.

All right.
Just for a second.

(EXHAUSTED SIGH)

Okay. Want a mint?

Where'd you get this?

I stole that, too.

From the Wellstones.
Yeah. From their pillows.

You should've stole
their pillows, too.

I know.

Oh, sweetie.

Well, I'm glad
we finally

got more time
for ourselves.

Yeah.

What time's
your interview tomorrow?

10:00.

Mmm.

(URINATING)

Ahh.

Hold it.
Oh, sorry.

Okay, mister.

Oh, no. This is not
what it looks like.

Public exposure is what
it looks like. Come on.

Nancy?

Nancy.
I don't care
what you call it.

Just keep it zipped up.
Let's go.

Nancy!

Nancy!

Henry?

Nancy!

Henry.

This is a mistake.

If you call
Dun & Bradley Advertising,

they'll tell you I have an
interview there this morning.

I'm not a criminal,
I'm not a degenerate,

and I don't deserve
to be locked up with...

...out proper
medical attention.

I have a severely
sprained neck.

We'll straighten
that out for you.

(LAUGHTER)

This is Sergeant Jordan
at the desk at the 1-5.

When's your commanding
officer gonna be back?

He's on lunch break.
Oh, great.

You got some racket there.
It's a long lunch break.

Great. All right.
Let me give you

the information on this,
all right?

The woman's name
is Florence Klein,

and she's at 585
Beck Avenue. Right.

Hello.

Correct. Lady,
I'm busy. Not now.

Excuse me.
Yeah, okay.

I have a little bit
of a problem.

My husband has a job
interview in two hours,

and I need to use the phone
because I have
to arrange for bail.

Public phones are right
down the hallway there.

I know, but that'll take
at least an hour,

and I don't have
that kind of time.

And if I could just
use your phone,

I promise I'll call
collect and I...

Lady. Give me
a break, okay?

Give you a break?

Give you a break?

(DING)
Hey!

Let me share
something with you.

In the last 24 hours,

I have been rerouted,
mugged, evicted,

chased by a dog,
kidnapped,

chased by a horse,

and seen in a compromising
position by the Mayor.

I just found out
that my daughter

is spending us
into the poorhouse

and that my husband
has no job.

I'm angry, I'm tired,
and I'm hungry,

and I'm running
with the wolves!

And right now, I am one
crazy bitch from Ohio!

So why don't you
give me a break!

Do I dial 9 to get out?

Officer, I got the most
important meeting in 2 hours.

Can't you just call
somebody or spea...

What you makin'
all that noise for?

Forget it. You can scream
in here till you croak.

The whole damn thing
gives me a headache.

I got one.

Well, take an aspirin.

Anything to shut
your mouth up.

Thank you.

(SIGH)

Nobody home?

No. My daughter's
not there.

My son's somewhere
in London.

I don't know anybody
else in New York.

Well, where
are you staying?

Can't your hotel
give you a loan?

Oh, my God.

The manager threw us
out of the hotel.

He hates us.
He wouldn't eve...

♪ Toot toot

♪ Hey

♪ Beep beep ♪

So you saw the
"do not disturb" sign
on the door.

Yes.

And then you knocked
to see if it was
supposed to be out there.

Sir. I have
a call for you.

Excuse me, Howard.

I'll explain the rest
of your life to you
in a moment.

Thank you so much,
Michelle.

Good morning.
Mersault speaking.

NANCY: Mr. Mersault?

Hi. This is Nancy Clark
from Ohio.

You threw us out of
your hotel last night.

How are you?

Oh, I'm very well,
thank you.

How nice of you
to stay in touch.

I wish all our freeloaders
were as conscientious.

Well, as much as I would
like to chew the fat,

this really isn't
a courtesy call.

I need you
to do me a favor.

Mrs. Clark, let me explain.

If you are a paying
guest at this hotel,

I fawn, I grovel.

I am, in fact,
your very plaything.

But if you're not a guest,
you do not exist.

So there is no need
for me to talk to you.

Oh, I think you're
definitely

gonna want to speak
to me, Mr. Mersault.

Why on earth
would that be?

Because last night
at the hotel,

you looked so fabulous

in that wonderful
full-length sable coat.

And those stiletto heels
were absolutely...

Go away. Yes?

And I must tell you
that I have never seen
a man kick so high.

And after they
send you to jail,

you can do
your little act
for all the prisoners.

They'll love it.

Congratulations,
Mrs. Clark.

I had an intuition
you'd be good at blackmail.

So, um, how may I be
of service to you?

I need bail money
at the 15th Precinct,

and I need it here
right now.

And bring some muffins.

But, of course.

Muffins.

The presidential suite
comes with the compliments
of the hotel,

as, of course,
does the limo.

Or should I say
getaway car?

Now before we get
to the hotel,

I'd just like you to sign
this document, if you would,

agreeing never to discuss,
disclose, or reveal

the incident at the hotel
when I was, in fact,

rehearsing for the hotel
employees' follies.

Thank you so much.
Very good.

You look great.

Thanks, sweetie.

You look really great.

Thanks.
Doesn't she look great?

Well, I wouldn't
mind the blouse.

No, not the blouse.
I mean, she just
looks great.

(WHISPERS) She's got
a great ass.

Henry?

Well, it is. It's just
always there for me.

Oh.

It's been a wellspring
of joy, really.

A what?
What do you think?

I think it's a private, uh...

Well, come on. I mean,
everybody knows.

It's the elephant
in the room,

and now we're finally
talking about it.

Henry, what is
wrong with you?

Nothing.
Uh?

I just feel frisky,
that's all.

You feel frisky?

Frisky. Frisky.

Say the word "frisky."

Frisky.

Frisky.
Yeah.

Say "frisky" again.
Frisky, Henry.

Frisky. Say "frisky."

Say the word "frisky."

Frisky.

Frisky. Say "frisky."

Frisky.

Frisky. Say the word
"frisky." it's fun.

Frisky. Yes, yes.
It is rather fun.

(LAUGHING)

Say, is there a playground
or something nearby,

say, maybe with swings
or monkey bars?

There's a very well-equipped
health club at the hotel

which you're welcome to use
once you've signed...

Yecch! Yecch. Health club.
Eggh!

Oh, my God. Henry.

Henry, look at me.

Your eyes look
really funny.

Did you eat or drink
anything in jail?

No.
Mmm, you didn't?

No. I just...
I had an aspirin.

Are you sure
it was an aspirin?

A prisoner
gave it to me.

Oh, well, if a prisoner
gave it to him.

Oh!

Can you pull over?
Would you pull over?

No. Don't pull over.

Don't pull over.
Pullover.

Pullover.
Like a sweater.

A pullover sweater.

And it's the same
as "pull over."

To pull over, and yet,

it's a sweater.

♪ When the moon
is in the seventh house

So could you pull over?

I mean, like...
Like, right now.

♪ And Jupiter aligns
with Mars

Too confining.
Too confining.

Too confining.
Too confining.

Henry! Henry!

Henry!

♪ And love
will steer the stars

♪ This is the dawning
of the Age of Aquarius

♪ The Age of Aquarius

♪ Aquarius

♪ Aquarius

♪ Harmony and understanding

Uh!

♪ Sympathy and trust
abounding

Uh!

♪ No more falsehoods
or derisions

Oh. Oh, honey.

Oh, look at the beautiful
oneness of this tree.

What it is for us.
It becomes us.

Do you feel
its ontological being?

Do you feel it?

What? Nancy.

Guess whose voice
I'm hearing
from inside the tree?

The earth's?

I'm hearing the voice
of Baba Ram Dass.

Remember Baba Ram Dass
and his inspirational tape
that we never listened to

because it melted in the car?

Remember how sad we were?

I know, honey.
We got all our priorities
all screwed up.

We do. We have our
priorities so screwed up.

We have to love more,
Nancy, don't we?

Don't we have
to love more?

We have to give it
to other people.

We have to... Grr!
Henry!

Henry, no!

Come on, Nancy,
let's do her.

♪ The Age of Aquarius

♪ The Age of Aquarius ♪

Quack! Quack!
Quack! Quack!

Quack! Quack!
Quack! Quack!

Quack! Quack!
Quack! Quack!

Excuse us.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

We have arrived.

This is
the presidential suite.

Henry, no, no.
Honey. Honey.

We've got 18 minutes
to get you
to that interview, okay?

Who needs a job
if we have all this?

Henry, we have nothing!

Okay?

Now I'm gonna unpack,
and I want you
to think advertising.

Think advertising.
All right.

I'm going to focus
on advertising.

Right.

I am an advertising ma...

(MUMBLING INTO PILLOW)
Henry?

Henry, no.

You have
to get dressed.

All right. All right.
I'm getting dressed.

Now... Think.

I have an idea, baby.

What is the most unused
advertising space
in the world?

What?
The human tongue.

It's always
hanging out.

People looking through
restaurant windows
and drooling

and guys looking
at girls.

That's
advertising space.

It'd be so easy
to write on there.

So-and-so's breath mints.

And dogs. Their tongues
are always hanging out.

They wouldn't mind
a little tattoo
that says "Alpo."

Would you
write this down?

Don't worry. I never
forget a good idea.

Well, say it back to me.
Say it back.

Henry. It's time
to take a shower.

Take a shower. All right.
Yes. It's time
to take a shower.

Okay, baby.
Your little genius
is gonna take a shower.

(SHOWER RUNS)

♪ Fly me to the moon

♪ And let me swing
among the stars

Hey, baby.

I think I found some more
unused advertising space.

♪ In other words

♪ I love you ♪

Oh, my God.

Ohh! Henry, no!

How nice to see you.

I'll have those pants
pressed for you

the moment that you
return, Mr. Clark.

Is there anything
that you need at all?

A basket of fruit, perhaps?
Have a nice day.

Banana?

Taxi.

Henry, put on your pants,
for God's sake!

Oh!

We'll get a cab up here.

Henry, get your pants on.

I'm getting them. Taxi!

And your shoes on.
I got it.

We're gonna make it.

Gonna make it.

Slow down, baby.
We got plenty of time.

Gonna make it.

Okay, we're almost here.

What time is it?

We've got two minutes.
It's two minutes to 10:00.

Go, go. Here it is.
590. Whoo!

Okay, go, go!

Let's go, honey.

Come on, Henry. Henry!

Henry!

Henry, this way, honey.
Come on!

Sorry.

Okay, sweetie.
Come on.

Come on, you
look fabulous.

Honey, I got
a good feeling.

I got a really good feeling
you're gonna get the job.

Get the job?
Yes, you are.

My coat, my coat.
Okay.

You look good,
sweetheart.

Okay. Button up your coat.

Okay, Henry.

We're here.

Come on, sweetie.

Henry?

This is not right.

What? Yes, it is, Henry.
It is right.

This is the floor, honey.

Oh, I just can't
do this.

Henry! What?

No, Henry, you're
just stressed-out.

I mean,
everything is fine.

Just don't mention
that tongue idea.

Come on, honey.
Take my hand.
Okay.

Come on.
All righty.

Okay, Henry, now I
want you to visualize
getting off the elevator.

I'm visualizing.
Okay.

Coming off the elevator.

My hand's out.
That feels good. It's
a different temperature.

Is it, honey? Come on.

You're gonna make it, Henry.

My hair is out.
My hair.

Good. Your foot's out.

Just put your foot out.

I just... I...

Come on. Come on, baby.

I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I'm just burned out.

I'm just going through
the motions.

I can't get out.
I know what he means.

What's your name?
Paul.

We just can't
do this anymore.

Henry, Henry,
don't be irresponsible.

I know that you took
a hallucinogenic in prison.

But this does not mean
that you can't make an effort.

I can't.
We can't!

You're not helping!

Henry, who are you
gonna listen to,

your loving, trusting wife
of 27 years or this guy?

He understands me,
and you just can't
handle that, can you?

We're one now.

Let's go, honey.

Yeah. Okay, good, Henry.

Let's go.

So I go, "No way."
And he goes, "Oh, so way."

Excuse me.

I go, "You are
totally stupid."

Excuse me.

Hold on. Can I help you?

I'm Henry Clark
to see Lisa Tobin.

Oh, you're Henry Clark.
I called your house in Ohio,

and I tried leaving a message
at the hotel for you,

but they said you
hadn't checked in.

The meeting was
moved to 9:00.

Are you serious?

We didn't get that message.

There's nothing
I can do.

I know, but, you know,
we had trouble
getting into the hotel,

we didn't get
our messages.

The manager's
a transvestite.

Ms. Tobin is preparing for
a meeting with some clients.

Then she flies to London
for a week.

Sorry.

There must be
something you can do.
I mean...

See, this is a sign.
It's over.

Henry,
don't say that.

Nancy, look out there.

It's an entire city
saying, "Go home."

You know what it says
on the Statue of Liberty?

"Give me your tired,
give me your poor."

"Give me everybody
but Henry and Nancy Clark."

Henry, you're hungry.

If I just
get you a cracker,

you'll be filled
with hope again.

No, I'll just be
filled with cracker.

It's over.
What about marrow-sucking?

What about
embracing life?

Nancy, we're
too old for that.

Okay.

All right, Henry.

The plane leaves at 2:30.

I'm gonna be on it.

I'm gonna go back
to the hotel.

I have just enough energy to

steal some towels from
the presidential suite.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Well, Henry...

I guess New York won.

New York won.

New York won?

Uh-huh.
No, it's permanent.

You never have
to wax again.

Excuse me.
Of course it hurts.

Oh, it is so
totally worth it.

I mean, what,
with global warming,

you're gonna be in a bathing
suit all year long.

I'm sorry.
This is an emergency.
If I could just...

Gimme a break, okay?

Sorry. Go ahead.

Give you a break?

Give you a break?

Hey! Listen.

In the past 24 hours,
I have destroyed a car,

been thrown out of a hotel,

forced to reveal my
most intimate secrets

to a group of nymphomaniacs
and masturbators,

watched my wife
seduce a man for dinner,

threatened with divorce,

arrested for
public urination,

and drugged by Jacko,
my new prison pal.

I have a house,
and a mortgage,

and a son in college,
and a daughter
in the theater.

And I'm one of those nice,
quiet Midwestern guys

that no one expects to snap,

but when we do,
watch it, baby!

Come on in.
Meet the team.

Bill, Rita, David, Michael,
this is Henry Clark,

formally of Sellinski
Advertising in Ohio.

Hi. How are you?

He was scheduled
for 9:00.

9:00, huh? Still on
Central Standard Time?

Well, actually, Ohio
is Eastern Standard Time.

A lot of people think
it's Central, but it's not.

Although Central Standard Time

is a very, very
good time zone.

It's just...
It's not too early,
it's not too late.

It's... It's just Central.

I don't get the joke.

(CRYING)

Mr. Clark, your portfolio
is terrific.

But in an hour, we have
to pitch a follow-up

to the "I Love New York"
campaign,

and we're having
big problems.

I wish our timing
had been better,

but thanks for coming up
and good luck.

Oh.

Thank you.

I think we should start
with New York, New York,

and then pull back...

'Cause that way,
it's definitely a start.

It's big. It's bold.
I see that...

Do you know what
your problem is?

What did you say?

I said, "Do you know
what your problem is?"

No. What's my problem?

You live here.
You're jaded.

What you need is
a fresh perspective

from an outsider
from, say, Ohio.

Because you
have forgotten

just how amazing
this city is.

I have had more
experiences in this city

than many people
who have lived here
their whole lives.

I mean, I met
colorful characters.

I've taken
a breathtaking cab ride
through Central Park.

I climbed to the top
of a luxury hotel.

Not in the elevator,

actually on the hotel.

And then, I fell...

...in love with my wife
all over again

at Tavern on the Green,

on the actual green itself.

And then I had sex
in front of the Mayor.

I mean, where else
can something
like this happen?

Only in New York!

What did you just say?

You mean the whole thing
or the tag line

for your new campaign,
"Only In New York"?

Which, incidentally,
I copyrighted just
before I came up here,

along with the visual
of the Statue of Liberty

giving the high five
to a family of tourists.

Oh, this guy's very good.

Can I have a doughnut?

Now, when
the Princess arrives,

try not to be alarmed
by her appearance,
which is hideous.

Now do you have all
the Clarks' luggage?

I think there's also
a garment bag.

Well, if it's not
here in 60 seconds,

I shall instruct
the hotel nurse

to give you
a lethal injection.

Mrs. Clark,
good afternoon!

Your yellow chariot awaits,

and you have
a glorious day for flying.

Up, up, and away.

Oh, barf.

(LAUGHS)
My sentiments exactly.

If you see my husband,
would you do me a favor

and give him
that ticket, please?

But, of course.
Such a good idea

to get a head start
to the airport.

Visit those fine shops.

Get to know
a Hare Krishna, perhaps.

Close the door, please.

Hey! Hey, baby, hey.

Hold it. Hold it. Hey!

Hey, baby, baby,
don't go!

Go! Go! Go!

Don't go! Don't go!

Don't go! Don't go!
Hey, hey!

Come here! Come here!

Henry!
Come here! Come here!

What... What...
What is it?

Okay. Now this is champagne,
and that is the limousine,

and this is what
we're celebrating.

What?

It's the key to my new office.
I got the job.

Henry, you got the job!

We're New Yorkers now.
We're New Yorkers now!

We're never gonna leave!
We're never gonna leave!

Oh, no. Please, God, no.

And I got you
something, too.

Oh, honey...

You didn't have
to do this.

I know, I know,
but I did.
Oh, my...

Oh, you got me
a spare key.

It's the key
to your office.

Henry, are you
still high?

They want me to bring in
my own creative team.

I can hire anyone I want,
and I want you.

I want my partner back.

Oh, Henry.

I mean, all the
best things in my life

have happened
because of you,

the marriage
and the kids and work.

And this is
how I'm happiest.

(LAUGHS) This is crazy!

No, no, no, no,
this makes sense.

You want to know
what my version
of marrow-sucking is?

What?

It's being with you.

That's how I suck.

Oh, Henry.

(SIGHS)

What's it pay?

Excuse me.
Are you going to
the airport or not?

Why? We live here.

Oh!

Only in New York.

So, I take it you won't
be checking out today.

Or perhaps ever.

Barry, get the bags.

Bags!
What?

The bags!
Where are they?

They're in the cab!
In the cab?

My God.

I think I'm beginning
to like them.

Taxi!

Why do they paint
them all yellow?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

(MOUTHING)

Congratulations.

She's good,
isn't she?

You should be proud.

Isn't the theater
magical? What?

Are those my earrings?

Bravo! Bravo!

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Music in the night ♪

♪ A dream that can be heard ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Moving shadows write ♪

♪ The oldest magic word ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ Hear the breezes playin' ♪

♪ In the trees above ♪

♪ While ♪

♪ While all the world
is sayin' ♪

♪ You were meant for love ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Mmm, merely to be young ♪

♪ On such a night as this ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Oh, every note that's sung ♪

♪ Is like a lover's kiss ♪

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Symbols in the moonlight ♪

♪ Do you mean that I will ♪

♪ Fall in love perchance? ♪

♪ Isn't it romance? ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Merely to be young ♪

♪ On such a night as this ♪

♪ Oh, isn't it romantic, baby? ♪

♪ Mmm, every note that's sung ♪

♪ Is like a lover's kiss ♪

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Sweet symbols
in the moonlight ♪

♪ Do you mean that I will ♪

♪ Fall in love perchance? ♪

♪ Baby, isn't it romance? ♪

♪ Isn't it romance? ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, so romantic ♪

♪ So romantic, baby ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Isn't it romance? Yeah ♪

♪ Oh, isn't it, baby? ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ So romantic ♪

♪ That's what it is ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ So romantic, baby ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪