Original subtitles

You hate me now, don't you? I assure you I don't.

I don't give a toss what you do, Mike. It's you I like.

I see Beyonce's back there working.

She can be a bit of trouble, you know, that one.

So what about you, then, gorgeous? Any confessions?

What? No, nothing.

♪ And then she smiles

♪ And my heart starts beating

♪ I go weak inside... ♪

DOOR OPENS

Yeah, all right, stop going on!

Give me ten minutes to get my breakfast. So long.

Who was that?

Auntie Brenda. She's helping me sort food for Katie's birthday meal.

I thought we said just family.

Yeah, which is why I invited Auntie Brenda!

Clue's in the name, see.

Well, don't invite anyone else.

I want to keep it simple - and sophisticated. - OK.

Talking of sophisticated...

how's about having a little shower today, is it, presh?

Trying to tell me I smell?

Yeah, I am, as it goes.

Look, I know things have been a bit horrible for you lately,

but hanging round the house in your jim-jams

watching Loose Women isn't going to fix nothing.

Is this what they call tough love?

Yeah, it is.

And it's what the Loose Women would tell me to do.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, who's that now at this hour?

Er... Oh, just, you know, about my bike.

Do you want me to go over there and kick up a fuss?

No, really, I'll do it. You've got enough on your plate,

whereas me, I don't even have a plate.

Sorry! Better luck next time. HE SIGHS

Luke!

Coming.

Who's starting college today, then?

It's the same as school, Mam, only in your own clothes.

Not actually a big deal.

Awww.

What?

- Look at him. - Oh, don't start.

I'm not! I just need you to know

that I'm very proud of you... You're very proud of me.

- I know. I know. - Well, I am.

Right, don't forget - I'm staying at Dad's tonight. - OK!

And tell Michael he's taking me - driving tomorrow! - OK.

Ta-ra!

- Hiya, Zo! - All right?

Them bloody stairs are a bloody death trap!

Hey, language!

Can't we put a curtain up or something?

Oh, yeah, stick it on the list, is it?

With all the other things I'm - meant to do! - Oh, Luke!

Aw, don't argue, you two. Be nice!

Hey, that's a lovely picture, Jack.

What is it? Horsey, is it?

- It's a dolphin! - Dol-phin.

Dolphin.

Come on, Stella, shift your stumps!

All right, I'm coming, I'm coming!

Good God, girl, put some clothes on!

Where do you think we are, Saint-Tropez?!

- Come on, man! - All right, what's the matter with you?!

I'm sorry, babe, but it's getting ridiculous.

We've got to get our own place.

Service!

Two poached on brown, table four.

When you think about it,

eating eggs from a chicken is a really weird thing to do.

Sorry.

OK. Now, I got some bits and whatyercalls done already,

but how many we talking? 30? 40?

Oh, good God, no! It's just family, it is.

Who's having a do and why am I not invited?

Katie's party tomorrow, at Stella's house.

It's not a party, it's a simple family lunch.

Anyway, how do you know about it?!

Right, I got you. What do you want me to bring?

Trust you to leave it last minute!

Not sure we can make it at such short notice, but we'll try!

Yeah, well, actually...

The thing is, successful events like this take planning.

Planning's never been her strong point,

not that I could tell you what is! - Thanks a bunch.

Right, drink up. We've got work to do.

Yeah, but we've only just got here!

It's the three Ps, Stell -

preparation, preparation, organisation.

There's me thinking you were ignoring my texts on purpose

and you're back for seconds already - greedy boy.

Look, I just came here for the bike, OK? Not you.

So just... just back off, will you?!

All right, calm it down, babes. I'm not interested, OK?

It was just a kiss, Mike.

More's the pity.

Yeah, and I completely regret it. So just leave me alone, please.

I'll let you get on then, looks complicated.

It's a lost cause, to be honest.

Well, my brother'll be in later, he's a mechanic.

I could get him to take a look at it, if you wanted?

No, no, don't worry.

Only, he's got a van, so he could probably drop it back for you.

I don't know... It won't be no bother. He'll do anything for a friend of mine

and that's what we are, right, Mike? Friends?

Well, that'd be great. Pleasure.

Thanks.

See you.

Hi. Do you do mobile mechanics?

Great.

Balloons... A banner. ...crepe streamers...

I'm not actually sure we need any of this!

Oh, please! What do you know? You have trouble running a bath.

I've done good parties before...

Haven't I?

I say to you what I used to say to your mother, God rest her soul...

She's not dead, Auntie Brenda.

...a sausage on a stick doth not a party make.

Now learn sense and trust a woman who knows.

But Michael just wants a nice, simple family lunch.

- Boring. - I know it's boring, but it's what he wants!

And he's been really down lately, what with the job and...

His loss of status... His failed marriage...

His advancing years...

Not all of that! But I do think he's a bit depressed, I suppose.

All the more reason for having a proper do, then, isn't it?

Cheer him up!

All right. Go on, then,

but not too much! Keep it simple, all right?

Hey, Stell, you know what you could get Michael

if he's really feeling depressed, don't you?

Oi, concentrate on the party, you. Leave my sex life out of it.

All right, Ben, how's it going?

Fine, but I haven't got a clue where anything is, like.

Oh, serious, mate, I've been here a week now and I still don't know.

I tell you something, mind, you want to give the canteen a miss.

- I bring my own. - Right...

Oi, Katie!

Katie!

All right, losers?

Lily, this is Ben.

Hi.

Ben's my sort of... I don't know, what are you to me?

My half-not-step-brother, I guess?

My dad goes out with his mum.

- Hi. - Yeah, hi.

- Lily's just moved here. - Hi.

Right, well, it's been good to talk.

- Let's do it again, shall we? - Bye.

- You coming? - See you tomorrow.

She's amazing.

You're not still on about that, are you?

Cos it's a bit weird now. She's almost your sister, man.

No, not Katie! Her friend, Lily.

Oh. I can't keep up.

All right, Al?

Oh, thank God I've caught you! I've got an emergency, it's Celia.

She wants to bring her karaoke - machine to Katie's party. - Oh, heck!

I know. Look, you've heard her sing. You don't forget that voice in a hurry!

Exactly. So I've come up - with a plan. - Which is?

You're going to stop her. Hang on, I'M going to stop her?

Well, I can't, can I? I mean, - she'll be really hurt! - Oh, Al, man!

Please, Stell, have a word, yeah? For everyone's sake?

Got to run, I've got a haddock on the go.

You owe me, Alan Williams!

All right? What seems to be the problem?

Don't ask me, I'm hopeless at this stuff. It's my boyfriend's bike, it is.

And he's left you to do all the dirty work, is it?

Oh, I don't mind, I'd do anything for him.

Hope he knows what a lucky bloke he is.

Not yet, but he will.

- Hiya. - Hi.

I got Katie's present and it's genius -

vouchers for driving lessons! Oh, and don't be cross...

- Brilliant. They're brilliant. - Aw.

Are you the same Michael I woke up with this morning?

I'm not, as it happens. I'm a newer version - Michael mark two.

I picked up some bits for tomorrow as well.

1998 vintage - Same year she was born.

Blimey! That must have set you back a bit.

Well, I thought I'd make a speech after we've eaten,

say something like, "Great year for champagne, great year for daughters."

Is that too much? - I mean, she hates a fuss. - Does she?

And I also picked up a little something for us for later.

Oooh! Drinking again. What would Mr Honey say?

Who cares what Mr Honey would say? What's it got to do with him?

Oh, nothing. He just says we should keep an eye on our units.

- We should? - People should.

Come home tonight and let me seduce you with fine dining

and far too many units of alcohol.

How can I resist?

Still no bike, by the way. Er, they're dropping it round later.

Well, I don't know what you've been doing to get such good service,

but you can give me a demonstration when I get back.

- So long! - Bye!

Nurse Morris, patient Evans, severe laceration to the gluteal region,

which will need some stitching. Can you assist?

Of course. Happy to.

- - Mr Honey. - Yes? - Happy to, Mr Honey.

Right, Mr Evans, I'll get you some anaesthetic

and Nurse Morris here will carry out the procedure.

All right, presh?

Er, just remind me again, where to exactly is the cut?

The gluteus maximus. Gluteus maximus. Which is...?

- His bottom. - My arse.

His bottom, of course.

My own fault, really.

I leapt up when Leigh Halfpenny scored a try

and forgot where I put my pint glass.

Is there a problem, Nurse Morris? No, not at all.

Just wondering what we do about the tattoo.

It's my ex-wife.

Devastated I was when she left me,

but I've put the whole thing behind me now.

- Crack on, then. - Crack on.

Yeah, what it is, you've got a two-bedroom terrace

for rent in Peterson Road?

What sort of deposit are you looking for?

Is it?

Nah, that's, er, out of my league, mate. Cheers.

Nice work earlier.

Actually, I've got a confession to make - he was my first bottom.

- Gluteus maximus. - Gluteus maximus.

You did very well. He'll have a very clean scar.

And his ex-wife got a tummy tuck while I was at it.

Let me get you a coffee

and then I can give you a few more tricks of the trade if you like.

Um... Yeah. Yeah, OK, thanks.

You coming, Stella?

Erm, if now's not a good time? No, it's fine.

Just going for a quick coffee with Mr Honey. Fancy one?

No, I've gotta get back.

And I'll drop the karaoke machine off at yours.

Cel, about the karaoke...

Yeah?

Nothing. I'll see you tomorrow. See ya!

Right, yeah.

Me again. Just wondering how you're getting on.

Sort of imagined you'd be home by now. Anyway, hurry up!

I want to see you.

- Fuck. - Sorry, better luck next time! Karl just text me -

he's popping over.

- Why? - I dunno. Got a favour to ask you or something.

Luke, I know it's a bit stressful at the moment,

but don't take it out on me, is it?

Sorry.

Erm, you haven't by any chance seen my mandoline, have you?

Come on, Michael! You could knock or something!

Sorry. It's a sort of... grater thing?

- What is? - Mandoline.

DOORBELL RINGS Doesn't matter.

Oh, it's you.

Sorry, I thought it might be Stella.

Oh, I'm just dropping this off for tomorrow.

Er, right. It's all right, I've got it.

Do you know where she is?

She went for a coffee.

- With? - Mr Honey.

- Oh, right. - Sorry, have I just said the wrong thing?

It's just, when Mr Honey asks you to do something,

- you sort of just do it. - Yeah.

He has this kind of way about him, like a headmaster... or Fuhrer...

- OK, thanks very much! - The things we have to do, it's... Bye!

What the hell are you doing?! Dropping your bike back.

I parked on the corner in case your Mrs was in.

She's not, but... Ain't that her ex?

Oh, God. Come inside, quick!

Quick!

What time did you say Karl would be over?

So, it is running like a dream now.

Are you even insured to ride it?

I get your bike mended and delivered

and all you can say is, "Am I properly insured?"

OK! Thank you!

So, are you going to give me a lift home or what?

I can't. Erm, I've been drinking.

Always the lawyer, is it, Mike? Stop it!

You could walk me home, of course.

No, I just can't, sorry. Give that to your brother for me.

DOORBELL RINGS - Shit! - What?

All right, Zo? Is he here? Yeah. Come in a minute.

Hiya, Karl.

You all right, Luke?

Your mother's not in, is she? Bit awkward, like.

- No, Michael's there. - Oh.

We was just about to eat, to be honest.

Oh, great. I'm starving.

Come on, then. Fancy a beer?

Aye, why not? So, what's on the menu?

- Come and sit down. - Have you still got my protein shaker?

I did have it... Ben... I think Ben borrowed it.

SHE LAUGHS

I think we make a good team, - you know. - Aw, thanks.

We've got that good cop, bad cop thing going.

Please say I'm good cop.

No way, no. I'm good cop.

You are not!

You're the moody, silent one. I'm the good cop.

I don't mean to come across moody.

No, you don't. I'm only messing.

It's all right, I know my people skills aren't the best.

My wife used to say she had to make eye contact for the both of us.

"Used to say"? You're divorced, are you?

No. She died a few years back. Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Er, what about you? Just you and your son, is it?

No, I've got three kids, two grandkids and a step-grandson.

Oh, and a dog. Do you want to see a photo?

Oh, God. I've got to call my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? But I thought you were...

- Gay? - Single.

Hey, it's me, I just seen my phone.

Why didn't you answer? It was on silent, sorry.

You do know I've cooked dinner, don't you?

Yeah.

I'm coming now.

Don't bother, the whole thing's ruined.

I said I'm sorry.

Have you been drinking?

Well, I wasn't actually intending to spend the night drinking alone.

I know. I just got held up, that's all.

Oh, so you're not just having a coffee with Mr Honey then?

Well, yeah, but it's a work thing.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Stella.

Mrs giving you grief, is it?

What? No, she's stuck at work, having coffee with her boss.

- Oh. - Look, are we nearly there yet?

You sound like my seven-year-old niece.

Yeah, well, I need to get back, so...

- I think she's mental. - Who?

Cos there's no way I'd be leaving a bloke like you waiting at home -

I don't care how fit her boss is. How do you know he's fit?

Er, I'm a barmaid, Mike - it makes me an expert in people.

So, like, with you, I know you're hot...

...and I know you're dead clever, and that really turns me on,

and I know you need to be appreciated and respected.

You make me sound like a mafia boss.

We should, erm, keep going.

No need. We're already here.

So, are you going to tell me why you came round, Karl?

Only, you don't normally just pop in for a chat, like.

- I need a job, Luke. - Oh, right.

Thing is, the plastering has dried up. There's nothing out there,

- not a pork sausage. - Isn't there?

And I was wondering if you could have a word with Dai Davies, like?

Cos I'm not proud. I'll do anything, me -

washing cars, cleaning windows, modelling...

Karl, man, I can ask,

but I don't think Dai's looking for no-one at the minute.

Sitting around the house all day - is doing my nut in. - I bet.

And Nadine's trying to make me feel like I'm still a man,

demanding sex all the time.

Keeps calling me "Big Beast" and getting me all ramped up.

All right, Karl.

I know she don't want to do it half the time,

she's just being kind, like.

But to be honest,

I'm run ragged with the whole thing. All right, Karl.

DOOR OPENS Hello?

Anyway, thanks for the beans.

I'll let you get on.

Something'll turn up, you watch. Aye.

What you doing here? What's happened to Ben?

Oh, he's with Nadine, watching Don't Tell the Bride.

Don't worry, I won't disturb your romantic evening.

- Right. So long. - So long!

Michael?

Hey, me again.

I don't know where you've run off to,

but come home so I can apologise properly, OK?

I've got a little surprise for you.

Luke?

Luke?

- Congratulations, you have won! - Yes!

All right, mate? It's Luke Morgan, it is.

Yeah. Listen, I got a little proposition for you.

'Hey, me again.

'I don't know where you've run off to,

'but come home so I can apologise properly, OK?'

SHE SNORES

CRASHING AND SHOUTING For God's sake!

Michael? Yes. Can't get... my boot off.

What are you doing?! Stupid bloody chair!

What are you wearing?

Oh. This is my apology. What do you think?

I think I'm an idiot.

God, Stella, I'm so sorry.

Babes, don't be daft. It's me that's sorry.

Look, he's my boss. And you know what I'm like when I get yakking,

I just lost track of time... You deserve better than me.

Now you are being an idiot.

I know what'll cheer you up.

Oh, Mr Rabbit.

What's the matter?

Do you mind if we don't?

I just want to cwtch up for a bit.

Sounds good to me.

- Is my tail annoying you? - No.

- Aw, Mam, what you doing?! - What?

Er... Oh, this?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

It's just a bit of fun, it is.

Do you want some breakfast? No, I do not!

- I just want my driving lesson! - Now?

- You promised! - Oh. Fine, I'm coming.

We won't be long.

-Coo-ee, it's only me! - Oh!

Look at the state of the place!

Am I to find the chalky outline of a dead body upon the ground?

It's like CSI Pontyberry in here!

Oh! Iesu mawr, woman!

Can you not practice your perverted deviancies in private?!

I am in private!

I've...

What in the name of the Count of Montecristo's all this?!

I know, it's shaming, isn't it?

Right, you, upstairs! Put your face on!

Leave the rest to your Auntie Bobby. And your Auntie Brenda.

Up-up-up-up-up. Hop upstairs!

Thank you! Right, first things first,

I need a nice spot for Paulo and Pedro.

Stick 'em where you like, kid, as long as I got room for my...

...chocolate fountain! A chocolate fountain! Oh, my life.

It's meant to be low key!

So, when you met my Mam, did you instantly know that you liked her?

- Watch the clutch! - Sorry.

Do you think it's possible, then, - love at first sight? - Left here.

Hang on a second.

Haven't we been down here like five times now?

Have we?

Sorry. Um, shall we use - the Sat Nav instead? - Oh, awesome.

'Please drive to specified route.

'Continue 0.5 miles, then turn right on Western Avenue.'

Oh, my God!

Urgh!

Are you all right?

Was that my Mam? What? Yes! Who else would it be?!

Urgh, that is gross.

It wasn't meant for your eyes, Ben, it's private.

And I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it to your mother,

she'd be really embarrassed.

Oh, shit!

Now this is an eye-opener.

It says here you can put your whole hand in.

Er, leave it!

Auntie Brenda, how much of this rice salad have you actually made?!

Stell, we're going to go give them some lunch.

Oh, but we got plenty of food here.

Yeah, I know, but it's not organic, is it?

All right? We're not late, are we?

No, no, Katie's not here yet, and Michael's on his way... I hope.

Pop your coats down by there, is it?

Put mine upstairs, Karl.

I don't know who's at this party and that's Karen Millen, that is. Stunning.

Right then, who's ready for karaoke?

Oh, I'll have a go!

Yeah, Nadine, she'll have a go... - Give her a go! - Nadine'll have a go.

No takers? I guess I'll have to get you all warmed up then.

♪ I feel it in my fingers

♪ I feel it in my toes

♪ Yes, I do, yes, I do, yes, I do

♪ That love is all around me

♪ And so the feeling grows... ♪

You promised you'd have a word with her!

I know, but I just didn't find the right moment.

♪ It's everywhere I go... ♪

I need a drink.

That's it, who wants a go?

You can stick your whole hand in it - if you want! - Leave it!

Is it meant to be spilling out like that?

Stella, get a tea towel! Tea towel, quick!

- Oh, no! - That's disgusting!

It's like a chocolate flood, man!

♪ By the way that I feel... ♪

Karl, man, that's disgusting!

- It's nice! - Stop it!

♪ Cos on my love... ♪

Stop it, for Pete's sake!

♪ You can depend... ♪

Celia, shut up!

Please?

Stella, can-can I have a word?

I know what you're thinking, but I can explain.

Like I said, I didn't invite them all.

Well, I did, but I tried not to, - honestly. - Stella, listen,

that's not what I wanted to talk to you about...

And I know you wanted simple and sophisticated,

but at the end of the day, what do those words actually mean?

Oh, my God!

Don't blame Ben. I wasn't concentrating properly.

No, you got distracted, didn't you, Michael?

I knew this would happen. Right, well, you're not borrowing it again.

Oh, that is so unfair! It's not unfair, Ben.

That is really unfair, Stella... I tell you what, that car doesn't even belong to me, it belongs to Luke!

I just said I wasn't concentrating.

He's doing really well, it's my fault...

Hiya! What do you think?

Mum got it for me for my birthday.

You can't drive.

Can now. Week's intensive course.

Oh, that is SO unfair!

Your mother bought you a bloody car? Great!

Wow, that's really kind of her... isn't it, Michael?

What?

Yeah. Yes, of course. Um, happy belated birthday, darling.

Thanks, Dad. So, what's for lunch?

Actually, presh, it's a bit more than just a lunch.

THEY CHEER

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow... ♪ Is all this for me?

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow, for she's a jolly good fellow

♪ And so say all of us... ♪

PHONE BEEPS

♪ And so say all of us, and so say all of us

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow, for she's a jolly good fellow

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow... ♪

It's you!

We met yesterday, at college.

I'm Ben, I am, from college.

I know. It was yesterday, so I kind of remember.

Of course. You're not a goldfish!

Goldfish actually have a memory span of, like, three months -

it's been proved by scientists.

- Sorry. - Oh, don't be.

As you already brilliantly pointed out, I'm not a goldfish, so I don't actually care.

All right, Benny Boy? Party going off, is there?

Ey, looks like you've struck luckier in love than me, son.

Fill your boots.

So, you going to let me in, then, or what?

Right, come on, you two, let's mingle.

I'm sorry about all this - not exactly what I had in mind.

But I love it!

- Presents? - Yes, please.

OK, so, no car is complete without these.

Cool! Very retro.

And I was going to open this, but seeing as you drove here...

It's a 1998,

great year for champagne and even better year for daughters.

Bloody loved 1998.

You all right, Dad?

Ah, my little girl's grown-up -

it makes me feel like an old man.

You'll never be old - - you're too childish. - Oi!

OK, time for a bit of ABBA, I reckon.

Do something.

Right, er, perhaps the birthday girl should have a go, eh?

Everybody? Katie?

Katie! Katie! Katie! Katie!

But I was going to do Dancing Queen, Alan.

- Have a break, Cel. - Go on, then.

Sing something decent, - love, for God's sake! - Yeah.

You know any Scritti Politti?

OK, well, I'd like to dedicate this one to my brilliant Dad

cos we used to sing it in the car together when I was little.

- I love you, Dad. - I love you.

♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world... ♪

Flippin' heck.

♪ It's hard to get by just upon a smile

♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world... ♪

DOORBELL RINGS

♪ I'll always remember you like a child, girl

♪ You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do

♪ And it's breaking my heart in two... ♪ PHONE BEEPS

♪ Because I never wanna see you sad, girl

♪ Don't be a bad girl... ♪

Fancy going for a little walk?

What, now?

Yeah, come on. There's something I wanna show you all.

Katie, more guests.

OK, that's it, I'm done. Awwww.

Well done, girl! I can take over, thank you.

That's fantastic. How do you follow that?

Let's give this a rest, eh?

Oh, hello. I didn't know you knew Katie.

Heard it was open house, like.

Er, well, yeah, suppose it is, now. More the merrier.

Do you want a drink? Aye, go on, then.

Michael, you know Beyonce, don't you?

- What? - Met once or twice, haven't we, Michael?

Yeah. Yeah, she's... She's a client, that's all.

Right, well, there's some beers in the kitchen, presh. Help yourself.

Nice one.

We got a gate-crasher, Michael.

Not a lot of people know this,

but Cat Stevens is actually related to Shaking.

But I don't understand, why is he called Cat?

It's not like he's an actual cat, is he?

If I was going to sing something, it would have to be a rock classic,

something like Donovan.

Jason Donovan. Or Jethro Tull.

You can't beat a bit of Tull.

Don't be disgusting!

So, karaoke, that's Japanese, right?

Are you being racist?

No!

I don't think so. Am I?

I'm Chinese, so you're only about 2,000 miles out.

What are you doing here?

And why do you keep texting? What do you want?

Oh, I got what I wanted last night, didn't I?

You left your wallet at mine, that's all.

I'm no bunny boiler, Mike, you're safe with me.

See ya!

What was she doing with your wallet?

Erm, she... she found it on the pavement.

Bloody hell, that was lucky!

Mind, having said that,

you want to check she hasn't pocketed all the cash.

Oh, I'm sorry about today. I know it's not what you wanted.

Well, I'm glad you didn't do what I wanted cos Katie's having a ball.

- Thank you. - Pleasure.

You're so lovely, Stella.

And I'm so... Well, I'm not.

Come on. You need a nice cup of tea, I think.

OK, everyone. Finally, it's my turn!

Er, first of all, get me a bit more food, will you?

Some of Auntie Brenda's rice salad.

- Give me the microphone, Alan. - No.

- Alan! - I can't.

Why not?!

- Because you can't sing, Celia! - What?

I'm sorry.

Does everyone think that?

Excuse me!

For the love of God... HE VOMITS

Bobby!

You all right?

HE GAGS

Mam, someone's being - sick in the bathroom. - Who?

I think it's Little Al. All I can hear are the noises.

Oh, Michael!

I'll be with you in a second.

It's spreading like wildfire!

We've got to get to the hospital and sharpish,

before this thing goes viral!

ALL GROANING

I've got one more bag, if anybody wants one!

Somebody open the window, for God's sake, it stinks!

Sorry. So, here's the thing, there's a minibus in the car park,

full of my friends and family, and they're all vomiting.

Right.

I would suggest that it's food poisoning.

Genius!

The common link appears to be a rice salad.

Rubbish!

Well, I didn't touch it and I'm OK.

Did you eat any rice salad?

No, I can't stand the stuff. There you are.

Yeah, but I didn't eat nothing at the party and I still feel sick. There you are.

In fact, I've been off my food all week and queasy since, well...

for ages as it happens.

Could you be pregnant?

Don't be mental!

Karl, you haven't been having whatyercall

without using a whatsinim, have you, beaut?

Well, actually, we have been shagging pretty constant,

like, haven't we, Nadine?

There's a pharmacy in the hospital, if you wanted to check.

Now?

Yes!

Do you want me to come?

No, you stay here. I'm not peeing in front of no-one,

not even you, my Big Beast.

- Right, ready? - Luke, what's going on?

OK, you can look...

now.

What do you reckon?

I don't understand.

All right?

This is our new landlord.

And this is your new home.

- Serious? - Yeah. He owns a few houses, like, don't you Scott?

Yeah. Do you want to have a look inside?

Go on, go and have a gander. - I'll be there now. - Come on.

Here you are, mate, a month's rent up front.

- Nice one. - And you don't mind us re-decorating?

As far as I'm concerned, you can do what you like...

as long as you keep on paying the fucking rent, beaut.

See ya.

Well, that's nice, isn't it?

Putting the blame on me just cos

I'm organised enough to get the food ready a week in advance.

Auntie Brenda, you can't leave rice salad standing for a week!

Says the woman who wasn't ready for a party in her own home

because she was too busy fornicating in a bunny rig-out.

Shut up!

Oh, yeah, Mam, that was pretty gross,

- and sending Michael the photo. - Ben!

What photo?

She sent him this photo of her... you know.

- Shut up, Ben! - I never sent a photo!

It's on his phone. Let's have a look.

- No. - Why not? Because there is no photo!

Give it back!

"The puppies are missing you." Dad, what's going on?

"I can still taste you on my lips."

Stella, I know this looks really bad... Oh, my God.

Is everything OK here, Nurse Morris?

Mind your own bloody business, Honey!

It is my business when you're - upsetting one of my students. - Yeah?

This must be some kind of joke.

Yes, that's exactly what it is - a stupid joke.

But whose number is it? Who's sending you these texts?!

She brought my bike back... Who brought your bike back?

Beyonce, you know, Beyonce Evans.

Beyonce, who was in my house today? Yes.

Look, you and I had had a row and I got drunk and she kissed me,

and I didn't want to... Oh, she kissed you now?!

Yes, and that's all it was.

Look, can we talk about this at home?

- Did you kiss her back? - I was drunk.

Did you kiss her back, Michael?

A bit, yeah.

I'm pregnant, I am! Totally, completely pregnant!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, babes! Come here.

I love you, babes!

I just want to make him suffer - a bit longer. - It was only a kiss.

It'll take more than flowers, Michael Jackson.

It's a start, right?

- How much you lose? - What's it to you?

Could lend you a few quid, if you need it.

I declare this re-enactment open!

That cross of St George on Michael Jackson is our target.

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