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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,853 --> 00:00:04,321 [Man] This week, the bad boys of comedy... 2 00:00:04,389 --> 00:00:07,586 bring you In Living Color's best commercial parodies. 3 00:00:08,593 --> 00:00:14,088 ♪♪ [Big Band] 4 00:00:14,165 --> 00:00:17,134 Do you enjoy the fabulous resort cities? 5 00:00:17,201 --> 00:00:22,935 Atlantic City, Las Vegas, Reno, Lake... Tahoe? 6 00:00:23,007 --> 00:00:26,966 Do you have as much free time as I do? Then what are you waitin' on? 7 00:00:27,045 --> 00:00:31,778 Get yourself a "Players Club." You'll receive up to 110% off... 8 00:00:31,849 --> 00:00:34,511 on shows, rooms and meals. 9 00:00:34,585 --> 00:00:40,251 With the Players Club, you'll get V.I.P. Treatment, baby. 10 00:00:42,827 --> 00:00:45,990 I'll have a suite with a heart-shaped bed. 11 00:00:46,064 --> 00:00:48,294 I'm sorry, we... Uhh! 12 00:00:49,801 --> 00:00:53,567 - [Rings] - Bellboy! 13 00:00:53,638 --> 00:00:57,870 And with the club, there's no problem gettin' good seats. 14 00:00:57,942 --> 00:01:01,105 - Tony! Can you fit me in? - No, man, l... Uhh! 15 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:05,847 Bingo. Front row. 16 00:01:08,019 --> 00:01:11,079 Use the Players Club in casinos, banks... 17 00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:14,249 or anywhere else you wanna throw your weight around. 18 00:01:14,325 --> 00:01:18,762 The Players Club: It's a moocher's dream. 19 00:01:18,830 --> 00:01:21,765 I won! I won! I won! [Screams] I won! 20 00:01:21,833 --> 00:01:24,495 - Well, let me help you count it. - Ohh! 21 00:01:26,204 --> 00:01:29,298 "Who clubs ya, baby?" 22 00:01:30,842 --> 00:01:34,505 Twenty. 40. 60. 23 00:01:34,579 --> 00:01:37,070 And one for you. 24 00:01:37,148 --> 00:01:39,514 Twenty... 25 00:01:39,584 --> 00:01:40,573 - How you livin'? - What? 26 00:01:40,651 --> 00:01:42,141 - How you livin'? - What? 27 00:01:42,220 --> 00:01:44,484 - How you livin'? - ♪ In living color♪ 28 00:01:44,555 --> 00:01:48,651 - ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪ - ♪ In living color♪ 29 00:01:48,726 --> 00:01:52,992 - ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪ 30 00:01:53,064 --> 00:01:56,864 - ♪ You for me and me for you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪ 31 00:01:56,934 --> 00:02:01,200 - ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪ - ♪ In living color♪ 32 00:02:01,272 --> 00:02:03,900 - ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪ 33 00:02:03,975 --> 00:02:06,136 - ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 34 00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:08,678 ♪ Here comes another one of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪ 35 00:02:08,746 --> 00:02:10,270 ♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪ 36 00:02:10,348 --> 00:02:12,475 ♪ And sisters with twisters for you been lookin', listener♪ 37 00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:14,518 ♪ It seems you don't believe so you can believe what I convince ya ♪ 38 00:02:14,585 --> 00:02:16,610 ♪ Some booty to your short and thought We'll make it snappy ♪ 39 00:02:16,687 --> 00:02:18,780 ♪ With jokes and pokes at folks to keep you happy ♪ 40 00:02:18,856 --> 00:02:21,051 ♪ No need to hold your remote control ♪ 41 00:02:21,125 --> 00:02:23,093 ♪ Chill This show's got soul ♪ 42 00:02:23,161 --> 00:02:25,254 ♪ All aboard, all aboard The train never troubles ♪ 43 00:02:25,329 --> 00:02:26,694 ♪ You'd better snuggle up couple up ♪ 44 00:02:26,764 --> 00:02:28,459 - ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪ 45 00:02:28,533 --> 00:02:31,764 ♪ It's hard to believe but some of the best things in life are free ♪ 46 00:02:31,836 --> 00:02:33,861 ♪ So, fellas, grab your girl Tell her that you love her♪ 47 00:02:33,938 --> 00:02:36,429 ♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin' when you're livin'in living color♪ 48 00:02:36,507 --> 00:02:40,102 ♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪ 49 00:02:40,178 --> 00:02:41,645 ♪ Go, go ♪♪ 50 00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:50,683 Well, now that the F.D.A. Has banned silicone breast implants... 51 00:02:50,755 --> 00:02:54,316 I better call the doctor and have them removed. 52 00:02:54,392 --> 00:02:56,690 [Man] Wait! Stop what you're doing! 53 00:02:56,761 --> 00:02:59,195 Why? These are no good for me. 54 00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:01,629 [Chuckles] That's what you think. But did you know... 55 00:03:01,699 --> 00:03:04,031 you could be throwing away hours of fun? 56 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:07,593 But I can't keep these. Silicone isn't safe. 57 00:03:07,672 --> 00:03:12,302 No, not silicone: SillyCone. 58 00:03:12,376 --> 00:03:16,176 Yes, like Silly Putty, SillyCone is the breast you can play with. 59 00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:20,277 Take it on thejob to relieve stress. 60 00:03:21,419 --> 00:03:24,718 Copy your favorite comic strip. 61 00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:28,748 - [Chattering] - They're great fun at birthday parties. 62 00:03:28,826 --> 00:03:30,794 You can even make them do tricks. 63 00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:35,128 SillyCone comes in three sizes: Bouncy, Meaty, and Grandma. 64 00:03:38,169 --> 00:03:42,799 Hey there, little boy. I said, hey there, little boy. 65 00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:47,277 Well, you may be ignoring me now, but I'm taking steroids. 66 00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:54,379 And steroids make my body balloon up... 67 00:03:54,452 --> 00:03:57,285 and they also give me the strength of 20 men. 68 00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:02,857 So while you may choose to ignore me now... 69 00:04:08,432 --> 00:04:10,491 [Snarling] 70 00:04:10,568 --> 00:04:13,594 [In Deep Voice] Pretty soon I'll be so pumped up and bloated... 71 00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:16,606 you'll have no choice but to pay attention to me. 72 00:04:16,674 --> 00:04:19,142 Come here, stud pants. 73 00:04:19,210 --> 00:04:21,678 Let's play missile silo. 74 00:04:21,746 --> 00:04:25,546 Ten, nine, eight, seven, six... 75 00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:32,956 Then after a while, the steroids will begin to affect my body's inner mechanisms. 76 00:04:33,024 --> 00:04:36,619 My ovaries will shrink to the size of tiny raisins... 77 00:04:36,694 --> 00:04:38,821 and I'll also have kidney failure. 78 00:04:38,896 --> 00:04:43,196 Then pretty soon I'll be doing public service announcements against steroids. 79 00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:47,067 Then, I really start to deteriorate. 80 00:04:47,138 --> 00:04:49,197 [Growling] 81 00:04:49,273 --> 00:04:53,471 - [Groans, Strangles] - [Hissing] 82 00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:09,052 That whole "body falling apart" thing... that's still a good five or six years away. 83 00:05:09,126 --> 00:05:12,095 In the meantime, Vera says... 84 00:05:12,163 --> 00:05:15,792 "Live fast, die young and pretty." 85 00:05:15,866 --> 00:05:18,926 [Whinnies] 86 00:05:22,173 --> 00:05:25,700 [Man] Steroids: Live fast, die young and pretty. 87 00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:31,175 They're underfed, they're hungry... 88 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:36,208 Their lives slowly wasting away because they haven't got enough food. 89 00:05:36,287 --> 00:05:40,348 Hello, I'm Sally Struthers. 90 00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:45,828 For just 50 cents a day, the price of an apple fritter... 91 00:05:45,896 --> 00:05:49,662 you can help feed someone who can't afford to feed himself. 92 00:05:49,734 --> 00:05:52,567 The meals are free, they're nourishing, and... 93 00:05:52,637 --> 00:05:56,539 best of all, they're pretty darn tasty. 94 00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:58,700 Are you gonna finish this? 95 00:06:01,145 --> 00:06:06,481 Your donation to the Feed the Planet Foundation is totally tax deductible. 96 00:06:06,550 --> 00:06:09,110 Just think of it: You're reaching out... 97 00:06:09,186 --> 00:06:11,746 and you're giving these people hope. 98 00:06:11,822 --> 00:06:16,054 And... Biscuits? I love biscuits! 99 00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:20,564 Mm-mm! Please send your donation today. 100 00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:23,691 Just remember: Fifteen dollars a month... 101 00:06:23,768 --> 00:06:26,896 the price of a Grand Slam breakfast and ten Dove Bars... 102 00:06:26,971 --> 00:06:31,567 you can give these people the sustenance that they now so desperately need. 103 00:06:33,210 --> 00:06:35,371 Please try to hurry, though. I've been here for six months... 104 00:06:35,446 --> 00:06:38,540 and these people just seem to be getting hungrier and hungrier. 105 00:06:38,616 --> 00:06:40,846 I can't understand it. 106 00:06:40,918 --> 00:06:44,376 You're supposed to reach out and touch them. 107 00:06:44,455 --> 00:06:47,185 Remember, for just $180 a year... 108 00:06:47,258 --> 00:06:51,991 the price of 12 buckets of chicken and a Super Big Gulp Dr. Pepper... 109 00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:54,725 you can give these people sustenance! 110 00:06:54,799 --> 00:06:56,858 Just call 555-FEED-ME. 111 00:06:56,934 --> 00:06:58,925 Give it to me! 112 00:07:03,941 --> 00:07:06,876 Just give me a bite! 113 00:07:06,944 --> 00:07:09,936 Please make that call. 114 00:07:10,014 --> 00:07:14,451 ♪♪ [Hip-Hop] 115 00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:18,682 ♪♪ [Man Rapping] 116 00:07:42,847 --> 00:07:46,781 ♪♪ [Ends] 117 00:07:48,016 --> 00:07:50,678 [Cheering] 118 00:07:51,786 --> 00:07:54,687 He's safe! 119 00:07:57,125 --> 00:08:00,060 Don't look so down, son. It wasn't your fault. 120 00:08:00,128 --> 00:08:04,155 Yes, it was, Dad. I played horrible the whole game. 121 00:08:04,232 --> 00:08:07,565 - Just wasn't myself. - It looks like your confidence is down. 122 00:08:07,635 --> 00:08:10,263 Is there something on your mind? 123 00:08:10,338 --> 00:08:13,330 I don' know. I just don't feel... 124 00:08:13,408 --> 00:08:16,571 - Fresh? - Well, yeah. 125 00:08:16,644 --> 00:08:18,805 It's hard to concentrate when you're worried about... 126 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,814 masculine hygiene, isn't it? 127 00:08:20,882 --> 00:08:24,147 Yeah. I mean... What should I do about it? 128 00:08:24,218 --> 00:08:28,052 - Try these. - "Tes-T-Shields"? 129 00:08:28,122 --> 00:08:32,559 They're protective linings you put in your cup to give you more confidence. 130 00:08:32,627 --> 00:08:35,653 [Man] Each Tes-T-Shield is filled with tiny air tunnels... 131 00:08:35,730 --> 00:08:38,426 allowing cool air to circulate throughout your cup. 132 00:08:38,499 --> 00:08:41,991 At the same time, aroma sensors release an exhilarating fragrance... 133 00:08:42,070 --> 00:08:44,095 helping you stay fresh all day. 134 00:08:44,172 --> 00:08:46,606 Wow! Test-T-Shields does all that? 135 00:08:46,674 --> 00:08:49,199 And more. They even come with wings. 136 00:08:49,277 --> 00:08:52,735 - Wings? What for? - Lord knows. 137 00:08:52,814 --> 00:08:55,009 But the important thing is, is they're comfortable. 138 00:08:55,083 --> 00:08:56,948 How do you know so much about them? 139 00:08:57,018 --> 00:09:01,455 - Son, do you smell that pine tar? - [Sniffing] 140 00:09:01,522 --> 00:09:04,719 - Yeah? - I'm wearing 'em right now. 141 00:09:04,792 --> 00:09:07,022 Even at my age, I need a little more. 142 00:09:07,095 --> 00:09:10,394 Wow, I'll give these Tes-T-Shields a try. 143 00:09:10,465 --> 00:09:12,899 [Man] Go! Go, all right, go! 144 00:09:12,967 --> 00:09:16,767 - [Cheering] Go! Go! - He's out! 145 00:09:19,273 --> 00:09:21,741 - Looks like you got your confidence back. - Thanks to you, Dad. 146 00:09:21,809 --> 00:09:25,267 No, thanks to Tes-T-Shields. 147 00:09:25,346 --> 00:09:28,645 [Man] Tes-T-Shields from Playfree. The manly way to stay fresh... 148 00:09:28,716 --> 00:09:30,946 confident, and protected all day long. 149 00:09:31,019 --> 00:09:35,012 Now available in three scents: Pine tar, herbal and cowhide leather. 150 00:09:36,391 --> 00:09:38,518 [Man] Hey, guy. Have you ever gone to bed... 151 00:09:38,593 --> 00:09:42,256 with a woman who you thought looked like Robin Givens... 152 00:09:42,330 --> 00:09:46,232 but when you wake up, looks more like Robin Leach? 153 00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,461 - [Screams] - That's what you call "coyote ugly." 154 00:09:48,536 --> 00:09:52,302 - Because you'd gnaw your own arm off to get out of there. - [Chewing] 155 00:09:52,373 --> 00:09:57,276 Well, chew no longer, because the new Coyote Ugly Escape Kit is here. 156 00:09:57,345 --> 00:10:00,143 Coyote Ugly Escape Kit is the disposable prosthetic arm... 157 00:10:00,214 --> 00:10:03,012 you attach before you go to bed with that special someone. 158 00:10:03,084 --> 00:10:05,917 Simply fasten a realistic, stylish, coyote arm... 159 00:10:05,987 --> 00:10:09,013 and you're all set for those rude awakenings. 160 00:10:09,090 --> 00:10:13,390 [Woman] What's keeping you, baby? I need your lovin'arms around me. 161 00:10:13,461 --> 00:10:16,294 [Softly] No problem, thanks to the Coyote Ugly Escape Kit. 162 00:10:16,364 --> 00:10:18,992 At the moment of revulsion, simply unfasten the hinges... 163 00:10:19,067 --> 00:10:23,697 and you're free and clear, with no torn ligaments or unpleasant arterial bleeding. 164 00:10:23,771 --> 00:10:27,605 Yes, Coyote Ugly promises "a happy hump with no bloody stump." 165 00:10:27,675 --> 00:10:31,509 So, remember guys, with Coyote brand you can say farewell to arms... 166 00:10:31,579 --> 00:10:33,945 and farewell to last night's nightmare. 167 00:10:34,015 --> 00:10:36,950 - Coyote Ugly Escape Kit, from Muttco. - [Coyote Howling] 168 00:10:39,087 --> 00:10:41,021 Hi. I'm George Hamilton. 169 00:10:41,089 --> 00:10:43,023 Throughout my illustrious career... 170 00:10:43,091 --> 00:10:46,686 I have been frequently complimented about my golden bronze pigment. 171 00:10:46,761 --> 00:10:49,525 You see, with a little help from that hole in the ozone... 172 00:10:49,597 --> 00:10:52,760 over the years my epidermal layer has gotten so thick and leathery... 173 00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:55,997 that, quite frankly, it's as dead as my career. 174 00:10:56,070 --> 00:10:58,664 That's why today I'm offering directly to you... 175 00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:00,970 the George Hamilton Luggage Collection. 176 00:11:01,042 --> 00:11:05,308 How do I know it's good? Because it's made out of my skin. 177 00:11:05,379 --> 00:11:09,247 Let my loss of elasticity become your key to durability. 178 00:11:09,317 --> 00:11:13,310 There's never a need to worry about those clumsy baggage handlers. 179 00:11:13,387 --> 00:11:15,480 Uh-oh. 180 00:11:17,125 --> 00:11:19,616 [Screaming] 181 00:11:19,694 --> 00:11:22,891 [Grunting] 182 00:11:22,964 --> 00:11:24,989 That feels good. ♪♪ [Singing] 183 00:11:25,066 --> 00:11:29,332 Sigourney Weaver wears army boots, you fur ball! 184 00:11:29,403 --> 00:11:32,395 [Grunting] 185 00:11:32,473 --> 00:11:37,911 You think you can destroy what took me 50 years of loafing around the pool to build? Ha-ha! 186 00:11:37,979 --> 00:11:41,506 Give it your best shot, primate! 187 00:11:41,582 --> 00:11:45,518 Order now, and you'll get these matching rump hide belts. 188 00:11:45,586 --> 00:11:48,612 The next time someone asks you if you know George Hamilton... 189 00:11:48,689 --> 00:11:52,989 you can say, " Know him? I beat my kids with him!" 190 00:11:54,395 --> 00:11:56,625 [Announcer] Order your collection now. 191 00:12:01,502 --> 00:12:05,836 Hi. I'm Amy Fisher. You know, the Long Island Lolita. 192 00:12:05,907 --> 00:12:09,104 - And this is Joey Buttafuoco over here. - Hey! 193 00:12:09,177 --> 00:12:12,044 Joey Buttafuoco over here! 194 00:12:12,113 --> 00:12:15,480 Hey, girls, are you a whore? Are you good with a handgun? 195 00:12:15,550 --> 00:12:17,609 Do you like to have sex in a car? 196 00:12:17,685 --> 00:12:22,122 Are you as dumb as dip, but you still wanna make a lot of money? 197 00:12:22,190 --> 00:12:26,388 Then take Amy's special Bang For Your Bucks seminar. 198 00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:29,861 - Tell 'em, princess. - Three simple steps. 199 00:12:29,931 --> 00:12:34,834 One, you get yourself a really sexy guy. 200 00:12:34,902 --> 00:12:39,066 Hey. Joey Buttafuoco over here. 201 00:12:39,140 --> 00:12:41,301 But to land yourself a really sexy guy... 202 00:12:41,375 --> 00:12:44,310 first you gotta get yourself a whole lot of hair. 203 00:12:44,378 --> 00:12:47,108 Anything less than two feet ain't really sexy. 204 00:12:47,181 --> 00:12:51,174 - Right, Joey? - Joey Buttafuoco over here! 205 00:12:52,887 --> 00:12:57,381 Step two: You get yourself a gun, and you find this guy's wife. 206 00:12:57,458 --> 00:13:02,259 Then you just point and shoot. Bada-bing, bada-bang! 207 00:13:02,330 --> 00:13:06,460 Step three: You sell off your movie rights, your paperback rights. 208 00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:08,832 Then you look for the new sitcom on Fox... 209 00:13:08,903 --> 00:13:11,337 The Buttafuocos Over Here! 210 00:13:11,405 --> 00:13:15,398 Hey, sure, I'm gonna spend a couple of years in the slammer... 211 00:13:15,476 --> 00:13:19,674 but I'm already eligible for parole in '95 over here. 212 00:13:19,747 --> 00:13:23,114 And all this money spread out with three years in the clink... 213 00:13:23,184 --> 00:13:25,982 that works out to, per year... 214 00:13:26,053 --> 00:13:30,046 Oh, she's workin' it out! 215 00:13:31,459 --> 00:13:34,485 I gotta put somethin'... Well, a whole lot of money. 216 00:13:34,562 --> 00:13:36,587 So, take my seminar. 217 00:13:36,664 --> 00:13:40,725 Yeah, right. I took Amy's seminar, and nobody bought my rights. 218 00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:43,565 All I did was go straight to jail. 219 00:13:43,638 --> 00:13:47,335 Oops. I almost forgot the most important step. 220 00:13:47,408 --> 00:13:50,844 Step number four: Make sure that you're white. 221 00:13:50,912 --> 00:13:52,971 Yeah, 'cause Hollywood only buys stories... 222 00:13:53,047 --> 00:13:56,744 about white people killing each other over here! 223 00:13:56,817 --> 00:14:00,514 Hey, duh! Now, give me a kiss here, Joey! 224 00:14:00,588 --> 00:14:04,649 You come here, you! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! 225 00:14:04,725 --> 00:14:10,459 Hey, Joey! What are you kissin' that whore for? 226 00:14:10,531 --> 00:14:13,796 Hey, MaryJo. I wasn't kissin' her. 227 00:14:13,868 --> 00:14:18,066 I was, uh, givin' her C.P.R. Over here. 228 00:14:19,740 --> 00:14:21,970 - Give me a break. - That's myJoey... 229 00:14:22,043 --> 00:14:25,672 always trying to help people over here. 230 00:14:25,746 --> 00:14:30,183 All right, everybody break it up. Visiting day is over over here. 231 00:14:30,251 --> 00:14:33,049 So dial 555-LO-LITER. 232 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,645 I'll get you more bang for your buck. 233 00:14:35,723 --> 00:14:39,022 Bada-bing, bada-bang. It's just that simple. 234 00:14:39,093 --> 00:14:40,856 Call me. 235 00:14:40,928 --> 00:14:44,227 - [Whispering] Over here? - Over here. 236 00:14:47,835 --> 00:14:52,135 ♪♪ [Man Rapping] 237 00:15:05,219 --> 00:15:08,552 ♪♪ [Continues] 238 00:15:20,001 --> 00:15:22,333 ♪♪ [Ends] 239 00:15:26,574 --> 00:15:28,565 [Man] Welcome to Juicemania... 240 00:15:28,642 --> 00:15:32,510 the show that takes a look at the wonderful world ofjuice. 241 00:15:32,580 --> 00:15:34,514 This week... theJuice Weasel. 242 00:15:34,582 --> 00:15:38,177 And now, here's your host, Gordy Langston! 243 00:15:38,252 --> 00:15:41,653 - Hi, everybody! - [Cheering] 244 00:15:41,722 --> 00:15:44,623 Are you as excited as I'm being paid to be? 245 00:15:44,692 --> 00:15:46,523 We've been paid too! 246 00:15:46,594 --> 00:15:49,586 Oh, that's all right, and it's also incredible! 247 00:15:49,663 --> 00:15:51,597 Hey, let's bring out today's host... 248 00:15:51,665 --> 00:15:54,156 the incredible, most amazing guest we've ever had... 249 00:15:54,235 --> 00:15:56,635 JuicyJay Corners! 250 00:15:56,704 --> 00:15:59,172 - [Cheering] - Come on! Wow! 251 00:16:01,208 --> 00:16:03,870 Wow! 252 00:16:03,944 --> 00:16:07,072 Wow! JuicyJay, that was an incredible feat of strength. 253 00:16:07,148 --> 00:16:11,107 Thank you, Gordy. I took my whole family on long trips like this. 254 00:16:11,185 --> 00:16:13,983 Wow. Wow, man. Where's your family now, Jay? 255 00:16:14,055 --> 00:16:16,046 They're all dead. I outlived 'em all. 256 00:16:16,123 --> 00:16:18,216 That's the beauty of theJuice Weasel. 257 00:16:18,292 --> 00:16:21,750 Wow. That's incredible, huh, audience? 258 00:16:21,829 --> 00:16:23,990 - You! Come on up here. - Me? 259 00:16:24,065 --> 00:16:26,431 Come on up! 260 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,991 - You seem like a healthy young man. How old are ya? - I'm 21. 261 00:16:29,070 --> 00:16:31,561 - Twenty-one, huh? - Yes. [Grunts] 262 00:16:32,940 --> 00:16:34,874 He's 21, but I'm still standin'. 263 00:16:34,942 --> 00:16:36,876 I found the secret of eternal life. 264 00:16:36,944 --> 00:16:39,412 I looked into God's eyes, and you know what I saw? 265 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:43,576 - TheJuice Weasel. - Hey, folks! Can you tell me what time it is? 266 00:16:43,651 --> 00:16:45,744 [With Audience] Time tojuice! 267 00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:48,311 [Chanting] Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice! 268 00:16:48,389 --> 00:16:50,380 [Chanting Continues] 269 00:16:54,228 --> 00:16:57,720 Gordy, that's how much organic matter you need every day. 270 00:16:57,798 --> 00:16:59,789 Now, you could eat it in that form... 271 00:16:59,867 --> 00:17:02,961 but sooner or later, you're gonna get tired of wiping your butt. 272 00:17:03,037 --> 00:17:05,505 Another problem is fruit. How do you get at it? 273 00:17:05,573 --> 00:17:07,564 Look! What do I do with it? 274 00:17:09,276 --> 00:17:12,336 You need to be a NASA scientist to get inside that thing. 275 00:17:12,413 --> 00:17:14,574 Have you ever tried to drink a raw carrot, Gordy? 276 00:17:14,648 --> 00:17:17,139 [Gagging] 277 00:17:17,218 --> 00:17:19,209 It can't be done. 278 00:17:19,286 --> 00:17:22,619 Wow, I get it. Now, that's where theJuice Weasel comes in. 279 00:17:22,690 --> 00:17:25,352 Yes! 280 00:17:25,426 --> 00:17:29,226 TheJuice Weasel separates the fiber from the juice... 281 00:17:29,296 --> 00:17:32,060 saving only the most essential elements. 282 00:17:32,133 --> 00:17:34,067 That's the beauty of my design, Gordy. 283 00:17:34,135 --> 00:17:36,069 - I want you to try something. - Sure, Jay. 284 00:17:36,137 --> 00:17:38,662 - A little concoction I made before the show. - Okay. 285 00:17:38,739 --> 00:17:40,900 [Gags] 286 00:17:40,975 --> 00:17:44,308 Ew! Ew, that tastes like somebody's dirty undershorts. 287 00:17:44,378 --> 00:17:47,108 - Not just somebody's, Gordy. They're mine. - [Coughs] 288 00:17:47,181 --> 00:17:49,672 But, see, the undershorts are gone. 289 00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:52,981 All that's left is the life-giving juice. 290 00:17:53,053 --> 00:17:55,317 - That's incredible! - Isn't that great? Isn't that great? 291 00:17:55,389 --> 00:17:57,380 [Audience Applauding] 292 00:18:01,862 --> 00:18:06,492 See, people like to eat the bad stuff and throw away the good stuff. 293 00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:10,230 Look at this celery, Gordy. Look at it! 294 00:18:10,304 --> 00:18:13,239 - Where does it come from? - Uh, the dirt, Jay? 295 00:18:13,307 --> 00:18:15,298 - No, the soil. - [Gasps] 296 00:18:15,376 --> 00:18:17,844 You see, the soil is the most important thing on earth. 297 00:18:17,912 --> 00:18:20,676 That is Mother Earth giving us our gifts. 298 00:18:20,748 --> 00:18:24,411 All life emanates from the soil. It emanates, Gordy! 299 00:18:24,485 --> 00:18:27,852 See? So, what I do is knock out the middle man. 300 00:18:27,922 --> 00:18:31,119 You got all the minerals you need right here. 301 00:18:31,192 --> 00:18:35,060 - That's gonna be beautiful, Gordy. - Sure is. Right, guys? 302 00:18:35,129 --> 00:18:37,620 Hell with them! You know... 303 00:18:38,832 --> 00:18:41,426 another question people ask me, Gordy, is... 304 00:18:41,502 --> 00:18:44,960 "Jay, what am I gonna do about my finances? 305 00:18:45,039 --> 00:18:49,271 Groceries are too expensive." [Mumbling] 306 00:18:49,343 --> 00:18:52,244 Oh, ya son of a... You know? I could just go off on 'em. 307 00:18:52,313 --> 00:18:55,441 I'd love to juice them sometime, you know? Just put their hand in there... 308 00:18:55,516 --> 00:18:57,575 - We can't do that, can we, Jay? - [Imitates Grinding] 309 00:18:57,651 --> 00:18:59,585 You know? But, uh... 310 00:18:59,653 --> 00:19:03,419 But theJuice Weasel can take yesterday's leftovers... 311 00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,424 and turn them into today's smoothie. 312 00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:08,984 Sounds pretty good to me. [Chuckles] But what do you mean, Jay? 313 00:19:09,063 --> 00:19:14,057 Well, here's a little bag of garbage I took off my neighbor's lawn. 314 00:19:14,134 --> 00:19:16,466 - Most people throw eggshells away. - [Grinding] 315 00:19:16,537 --> 00:19:18,471 Bad mistake. 316 00:19:18,539 --> 00:19:21,007 - Oh, look at this, Gordy. We got lucky. - Hey, wait a minute. 317 00:19:21,075 --> 00:19:24,567 We got lucky. See? You know, when I see people throwing stuff like this away... 318 00:19:24,645 --> 00:19:26,909 it just makes me want to scream. 319 00:19:26,981 --> 00:19:28,846 Oh, come on now. Insects? 320 00:19:28,916 --> 00:19:30,907 Don't ever question me, Gordy. 321 00:19:30,985 --> 00:19:34,216 I know a lot more about nutrition than you do. 322 00:19:35,556 --> 00:19:37,820 All right. That's just about ready. 323 00:19:37,891 --> 00:19:41,418 - Okay. Now, watch this, Gordy. - Okay, Jay. 324 00:19:41,495 --> 00:19:43,520 [Man Chanting] Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice! 325 00:19:43,597 --> 00:19:45,758 [With Audience] Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice! 326 00:19:49,703 --> 00:19:51,694 [Exhales, Grunts] 327 00:19:53,073 --> 00:19:55,064 Notice anything different, Gordy? 328 00:19:55,142 --> 00:19:58,339 Uh, no. What, uh, Jay? 329 00:19:58,412 --> 00:20:00,277 I'm invisible! 330 00:20:01,815 --> 00:20:05,080 Oh. Oh, oh, right. Yeah, that's incredible. 331 00:20:05,152 --> 00:20:07,143 L-I thought you were talking about something else. 332 00:20:07,221 --> 00:20:10,315 [Chuckles] 333 00:20:10,391 --> 00:20:13,053 Who are you talking to, Gordy? I'm over here! 334 00:20:13,127 --> 00:20:16,528 Wow. That's incredible, isn't it, audience? 335 00:20:16,597 --> 00:20:19,361 You think that's great... Oh, look. Look! 336 00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:22,095 - Oh, the vegetables are flyin' by themselves. - Ooh. 337 00:20:22,169 --> 00:20:26,037 - Oh, great. - If you think that's great, Gordy, wait till you see me fly. 338 00:20:26,106 --> 00:20:28,097 Wait a minute. Uh, Jay... Wait a minute. 339 00:20:28,175 --> 00:20:30,803 - That's not in the script. Jay... - I can fly. I swear I can. 340 00:20:30,878 --> 00:20:32,869 - Uh, uh, Leon, stop tape. - I can fly! 341 00:20:32,946 --> 00:20:36,040 - Wait. What? Jay? Jay. Jay! - I can fly! 342 00:20:36,116 --> 00:20:38,710 Oh, my God! He jumped out the window! Stop tape! 343 00:20:38,786 --> 00:20:41,880 - Oh, he jumped! Jay, are you all right? - [Thuds] 344 00:20:43,991 --> 00:20:47,552 It's getting dark. I'm feeling strangely peaceful. 345 00:20:47,628 --> 00:20:49,892 Oh, my God. Jay, do we need a priest? 346 00:20:49,963 --> 00:20:53,694 No, Gordy. Just give me the juice. 347 00:20:56,070 --> 00:20:58,732 [Exhales, Smacks Lips] 348 00:20:58,806 --> 00:21:01,206 Could you pour some of that on my joints, Gordy? 349 00:21:03,210 --> 00:21:05,201 [Groans] 350 00:21:07,848 --> 00:21:10,442 [Exhales] I feel much better now, Gordy. 351 00:21:10,517 --> 00:21:12,508 That proves one thing to me. 352 00:21:12,586 --> 00:21:15,054 - There's a time to laugh... - A time to cry... 353 00:21:15,122 --> 00:21:19,058 - A time to live... - [Together] And a time to juice! 354 00:21:23,464 --> 00:21:26,922 Hope you guys had a good time. We'll see ya next week! 355 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,766 ♪♪ [Hip-Hop] 30585

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