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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,287 --> 00:00:04,983 So, what's up? 2 00:00:05,056 --> 00:00:07,115 [Chuckling] 3 00:00:10,728 --> 00:00:14,494 I'm Chris Rock. Do you guys know me? 4 00:00:14,565 --> 00:00:17,830 I've been on Saturday Night Live now for three years... 5 00:00:17,902 --> 00:00:21,235 but, sometimes, people just don't recognize me. 6 00:00:21,306 --> 00:00:23,866 And that's why I carry this: 7 00:00:23,941 --> 00:00:26,671 The Anonymous Express Card. 8 00:00:26,744 --> 00:00:28,541 [Irish Accent] All right, son, no loiterin'. 9 00:00:28,613 --> 00:00:31,514 This area's for cast members only. You'll have to move along. 10 00:00:31,582 --> 00:00:35,279 But, look. See? I'm in the cast. 11 00:00:35,353 --> 00:00:37,412 I've never seen ya on the show. 12 00:00:37,488 --> 00:00:42,187 And this is Studio 8H, home to the hit Saturday Night Live. 13 00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:45,491 Watch this. Hey, folks. 14 00:00:45,563 --> 00:00:48,794 Excuse me. Anybody want an autograph? 15 00:00:48,866 --> 00:00:50,527 Who are you? 16 00:00:50,601 --> 00:00:54,162 I'm Chris Rock. You know, I play Nat "X." 17 00:00:54,238 --> 00:00:57,002 You know, Nat "X," the angry, black talk show host. 18 00:00:57,075 --> 00:00:59,168 "Hey, watch out, man! The white man cam coming. 19 00:00:59,243 --> 00:01:02,041 I know you wanna see me like this, behind them bars." 20 00:01:02,113 --> 00:01:04,308 I know who you are. You were, uh, uh, Gumby. 21 00:01:04,382 --> 00:01:08,648 No, that's Eddie Murphy, damn it! I'm the other black guy. 22 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,688 Oh! You're Damon Wayans! 23 00:01:10,755 --> 00:01:13,189 No! He got fired from his first season. 24 00:01:13,257 --> 00:01:16,988 Now he's on that other show, the one I should have been on in the first place. 25 00:01:17,061 --> 00:01:19,461 Hey, look, everybody! It's Adam Sandler! 26 00:01:19,530 --> 00:01:23,261 Hey, wait! Hey, wait! Come back! 27 00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:25,666 I'm a celebrity, I tell you. 28 00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:28,171 I've been in two whole sketches this season. 29 00:01:28,239 --> 00:01:30,833 Hey, how you doin'? 30 00:01:30,908 --> 00:01:33,809 Chris Rock! How you doin', man? 31 00:01:33,878 --> 00:01:36,779 It's me... Garrett Morris. 32 00:01:38,249 --> 00:01:41,446 - Who? - Garrett Morris! 33 00:01:42,787 --> 00:01:44,721 The Anonymous Express Card. 34 00:01:44,789 --> 00:01:48,190 Never be the only black guy on an all-white show without it. 35 00:01:48,259 --> 00:01:52,423 You know, man. "Base-a-ball been berry, berry good to me." 36 00:01:52,497 --> 00:01:54,829 Garrett Morris, man. Garrett Mor... 37 00:01:54,899 --> 00:01:57,766 "Our top story tonight is"... 38 00:01:57,835 --> 00:02:01,100 I thought I told you two to move along. Now, take your friend with ya. 39 00:02:01,172 --> 00:02:03,106 - Get goin'! - Don't push me. 40 00:02:03,174 --> 00:02:05,108 Get goin', buddy. 41 00:02:05,176 --> 00:02:07,235 [Announcer] Anonymous Express. Don't be the only black man... 42 00:02:07,311 --> 00:02:09,506 on an all-white show without it. 43 00:02:09,580 --> 00:02:10,569 - How you livin'? - What? 44 00:02:10,648 --> 00:02:12,138 - How you livin'? - What? 45 00:02:12,216 --> 00:02:13,774 - How you livin'? - ♪ In living color♪ 46 00:02:16,587 --> 00:02:20,990 - ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪ - ♪ In living color♪ 47 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:25,324 - ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪ 48 00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:29,196 - ♪ You for me and me for you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪ 49 00:02:29,267 --> 00:02:33,533 - ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪ - ♪ In living color♪ 50 00:02:33,604 --> 00:02:36,232 - ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪ 51 00:02:36,307 --> 00:02:38,468 - ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 52 00:02:38,543 --> 00:02:41,011 ♪ Here comes another one of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪ 53 00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:42,602 ♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪ 54 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,807 ♪ And sisters with twisters for you been lookin'listener♪ 55 00:02:44,882 --> 00:02:46,850 ♪ It seems you don't believe so you can believe what I convince ya ♪ 56 00:02:46,918 --> 00:02:48,943 ♪ Some booty to your short and thought We'll make it snappy ♪ 57 00:02:49,020 --> 00:02:51,113 ♪ With jokes and pokes at folks to keep you happy ♪ 58 00:02:51,189 --> 00:02:53,384 ♪ No need to hold your remote control ♪ 59 00:02:53,458 --> 00:02:55,426 ♪ Chill This show's got soul ♪ 60 00:02:55,493 --> 00:02:57,586 ♪ All aboard, all aboard The train never troubles ♪ 61 00:02:57,662 --> 00:02:59,027 ♪ You'd better snuggle up couple up ♪ 62 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:00,791 - ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪ 63 00:03:00,865 --> 00:03:04,096 ♪ It's hard to believe but some of the best things in life are free ♪ 64 00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:06,193 ♪ So, fellas, grab your girl Tell her that you love her♪ 65 00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:09,205 ♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin' when you're livin'in living color♪ 66 00:03:09,273 --> 00:03:13,471 ♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪ 67 00:03:13,544 --> 00:03:17,810 ♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪ 68 00:03:17,882 --> 00:03:21,477 ♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪ 69 00:03:21,552 --> 00:03:23,782 ♪ Go, go, go, go, go ♪♪ 70 00:03:26,757 --> 00:03:30,488 - Have we decided on anything? - Yes. I'll have a white wine. 71 00:03:30,561 --> 00:03:32,791 Okay. And for you, miss? 72 00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:37,392 - Uh, yes, uh... - Oh, my God! 73 00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:40,198 What is wrong with you? Can I get a birra? 74 00:03:40,271 --> 00:03:42,364 Can I have a birra? 75 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:46,171 Dog, he act like he seen a baboon or somethin'. 76 00:03:46,244 --> 00:03:49,475 You know, um, I think you're gonna like Mike's friend Luther. 77 00:03:49,547 --> 00:03:52,345 - He's an actor. - Oh, girl, no, you didn't. 78 00:03:52,416 --> 00:03:55,249 You got Denzel Washington. Denzel? Denz? 79 00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:58,049 Denzel? Where is he? 80 00:04:01,058 --> 00:04:03,253 Oh, there they are. They're over here, Luther. 81 00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:06,956 Man, I hope she ain't ugly... 82 00:04:07,031 --> 00:04:09,829 'cause I can't stand me no ugly girl, you know what I mean? 83 00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:12,734 Yeah, don't worry, man. I think you two got a lot in common with each other. 84 00:04:12,803 --> 00:04:14,065 - Hey! - Come on. 85 00:04:14,138 --> 00:04:17,369 Uh, Luther, I want you to meetJudy. 86 00:04:17,441 --> 00:04:20,342 Judy, this is Luther. And, uh, uh, this is Wanda. 87 00:04:20,411 --> 00:04:22,845 - Hey, baby. - Damn! What the... 88 00:04:22,914 --> 00:04:26,475 No! No! This is Luther! This is Luther! Wanda... Wanda, this is Luther! 89 00:04:26,551 --> 00:04:28,951 Luther, this is Wan... Luther. Luther. 90 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:31,079 I'm gonna bust his head. 91 00:04:31,155 --> 00:04:33,851 Girl, uh-uh. This is not gonna work. I got to go. 92 00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:35,859 - I have to go. - Just sit. 93 00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:39,021 Girl, I got a reputation. I have a reputation to uphold. 94 00:04:39,096 --> 00:04:42,532 Now, do I look like I'd be attracted to somebody like that? 95 00:04:43,668 --> 00:04:46,296 Hey, man, she is fine. 96 00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,463 ♪♪ [Singing] 97 00:04:50,441 --> 00:04:54,070 So, uh, Luther, Mike tells me you're an actor. 98 00:04:54,145 --> 00:04:56,238 I can't seem to place your face. 99 00:04:56,314 --> 00:04:59,010 That's cause I, uh... I do a lot of radio acting. 100 00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:01,017 You know, that type of thing. 101 00:05:01,085 --> 00:05:04,054 You know, mostly commercials and voice-over work. 102 00:05:04,121 --> 00:05:09,184 Well, you need to move your voice over there, and take your ugly face with you. 103 00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:11,785 Hey, baby, I'd go anywhere you want, Wanda. 104 00:05:11,862 --> 00:05:13,989 My heart is poundin' for ya. 105 00:05:14,065 --> 00:05:17,523 Well, my ass is itchin'. You need to lose yourself. 106 00:05:19,036 --> 00:05:21,129 - What's wrong with her, man? - Come on, now, Wanda. 107 00:05:21,205 --> 00:05:22,832 Just hang in there, all right? 108 00:05:22,907 --> 00:05:25,239 Girl, no, girl. He looks like an ostrich on crack, girl. 109 00:05:25,309 --> 00:05:28,904 He needs... No, girl. He needs to put his head in the ground. 110 00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:31,175 - I can't take this. - Would you... 111 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:33,239 Would you just give him a chance? You owe me. 112 00:05:33,317 --> 00:05:35,251 You set me up with your brother. 113 00:05:35,319 --> 00:05:38,584 Well, my brother's good-lookin'. Hell, he look just like me. 114 00:05:38,656 --> 00:05:41,420 Please? Please, Wanda? 115 00:05:41,492 --> 00:05:45,394 - Please? For me? - Oh, you'd make me sick if you weren't my best friend. 116 00:05:45,463 --> 00:05:50,526 Baby, you smell good. What you wearin', Speed Stick? 117 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:53,729 And your eyes are so beautiful. 118 00:05:53,804 --> 00:05:57,035 I know this. Why don't you go be a victim of a drive-by or somethin'? 119 00:05:57,108 --> 00:05:59,372 Hey, baby. 120 00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:03,038 - Baby, I think I hear your lips calling me. - Yes, they are. 121 00:06:03,114 --> 00:06:06,550 And, baby, I wanna sex you up. 122 00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:10,610 - And I wanna hose you down. - Hey, baby, why you dissin' me? 123 00:06:10,688 --> 00:06:15,853 - You know, I can act real... I mean real, real ugly. - I know you can act like it. 124 00:06:15,926 --> 00:06:18,224 You can probably get an Oscar for it. 125 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:20,763 "For Best Supporting Ugliness goes to Ronald Jackson." 126 00:06:20,831 --> 00:06:22,856 You know, Wanda, looks aren't everything. 127 00:06:22,933 --> 00:06:25,094 I think he's actually quite smart. 128 00:06:25,169 --> 00:06:27,967 Well, if he's so smart, how come he can't cure ugliness? 129 00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:30,405 You know, just, just... Why don't you just chill out, you know? 130 00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:33,534 I really like this guy, and you are blowing it for me. 131 00:06:33,611 --> 00:06:35,545 I'm your best friend. I even loaned you that dress. 132 00:06:35,613 --> 00:06:38,173 Girl, you can have this little funky dress, and these drawers too. 133 00:06:38,249 --> 00:06:40,843 - I don't need 'em. - Stop it! 134 00:06:42,753 --> 00:06:45,119 I'll take those. 135 00:06:45,189 --> 00:06:47,521 Here's your white wine. 136 00:06:47,591 --> 00:06:49,684 - And for you, sir? - Huh, baby? 137 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,991 - Oh, my God! Not again! - Hey, man, you want some? 138 00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:56,261 He talkin' about my lady? That's my lady, man. 139 00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:58,961 - That's my lady. - All right. Come on. Let's just sit down. 140 00:06:59,036 --> 00:07:02,733 - I don't want nobody gettin' in my stuff. - Luther, come on, man. 141 00:07:02,807 --> 00:07:05,469 You gotta get used to people starin' at us. People stare at me all the time. 142 00:07:05,543 --> 00:07:08,569 They get me mixed up with Iman and Vanessa Williams and all them girls. 143 00:07:08,646 --> 00:07:14,607 [Impersonating Rodney King] Come on, guys! Can't we all just get along? 144 00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,585 No, Rodney, we can't, and I'm ready to go. 145 00:07:16,654 --> 00:07:20,215 - Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no. You ain't goin' nowhere. - What's wrong with you? 146 00:07:20,291 --> 00:07:21,883 - What's wrong with you? - Hey! 147 00:07:21,959 --> 00:07:23,927 - What is wrong with you? No, you didn't. - I got you! I got you! 148 00:07:23,994 --> 00:07:27,122 You ain't got nobody. I'll snap your neck smooth in two. 149 00:07:27,198 --> 00:07:29,758 L-I got you, baby. 150 00:07:29,834 --> 00:07:33,770 - You better understand this. Girl, I'll... - I got you, though. 151 00:07:33,838 --> 00:07:37,035 It looks like you guys are having such fun, we're just gonna go and take off. 152 00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:40,407 - Uh, good luck, Luther. - Girl, don't you leave me here with Chewbacca. 153 00:07:40,478 --> 00:07:42,571 Hey. Come here, baby. 154 00:07:42,646 --> 00:07:44,580 Look here. Look here. 155 00:07:44,648 --> 00:07:46,741 - Sweetheart, look here. We don't need them. - You're bruisin' me. 156 00:07:46,817 --> 00:07:48,182 - Hey, hey, hey. - You're bruisin' me. 157 00:07:48,252 --> 00:07:50,186 - Look here. I'll be gentle. - I'm bruised. I'm bruised. 158 00:07:50,254 --> 00:07:53,121 ♪ I'll be gentle ♪ Check it out. 159 00:07:53,190 --> 00:07:58,127 I know I ain't no Billy Dee Williams or noJimmie Walker or Shabba Ranks... 160 00:07:58,195 --> 00:08:01,756 but I understand the finer things in life. 161 00:08:01,832 --> 00:08:05,268 And, right now, you about the finest, baby. [Laughs] 162 00:08:05,336 --> 00:08:08,965 Well, I don't know why you tryin' to compare yourself to Shabba Ranks... 163 00:08:09,039 --> 00:08:11,303 'cause you don't compare. 164 00:08:11,375 --> 00:08:13,866 - Why you dissin' me, babe? - I gotta go. 165 00:08:13,944 --> 00:08:18,972 Wanda... Wanda, look. No, girl... Look, Wanda. Wanda. 166 00:08:19,049 --> 00:08:23,383 I only got three words for you, baby. I love you. 167 00:08:25,322 --> 00:08:28,291 Damn it! [Sobbing] 168 00:08:38,536 --> 00:08:41,528 Did you say you love me? 169 00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:43,937 Look me in my eye and say that. 170 00:08:44,008 --> 00:08:47,136 Look me in my eye. In this eye. 171 00:08:47,211 --> 00:08:49,679 - Where? - This one right here. 172 00:08:49,747 --> 00:08:52,272 Come right here. Come right here. Come right here. No... 173 00:08:52,349 --> 00:08:54,283 - I see you now. I see you now. - This way more. 174 00:08:54,351 --> 00:08:56,478 - All right. Hold it right there. - Okay, I see you. 175 00:08:56,554 --> 00:08:57,782 - I see you. - Now, say it. 176 00:08:57,855 --> 00:08:59,550 You're beautiful. 177 00:08:59,623 --> 00:09:01,853 - You love me? - I love you, Wanda. 178 00:09:01,926 --> 00:09:04,918 - Will you rock my world? - I'll rock your world, baby. 179 00:09:04,995 --> 00:09:09,329 I will rock your world. I'll rock your world, Wanda. 180 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,767 - I'll rock your world. - I can't take this! 181 00:09:12,837 --> 00:09:14,805 - I'll tell you what. - I'll rock your world! 182 00:09:14,872 --> 00:09:19,832 You call me if you really wanna rock my world. 183 00:09:21,078 --> 00:09:25,845 My Cinder... My Wandarella! 184 00:09:25,916 --> 00:09:28,111 Hey, Wanda! 185 00:09:32,263 --> 00:09:35,198 Hi! My name is Loomis Simmons... 186 00:09:35,266 --> 00:09:37,734 and if you put your mind to it... 187 00:09:37,802 --> 00:09:41,670 you can make me rich! 188 00:09:41,739 --> 00:09:45,573 Now, there are a lot of"get rich quick" schemes on TV these days... 189 00:09:45,643 --> 00:09:47,736 but my system is different. 190 00:09:47,812 --> 00:09:50,372 Ya see, you ain't never gonna be rich. 191 00:09:50,448 --> 00:09:52,678 You just ain't. It ain't gonna happen for you. 192 00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:57,016 But you can still have a part of some success... mine's. 193 00:09:57,088 --> 00:09:59,352 And with a minimal investment... 194 00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:03,952 you can make me one of the richest mens in the world. 195 00:10:04,028 --> 00:10:06,861 And when I have money, I'm happy. 196 00:10:06,931 --> 00:10:11,095 Let me show you. This is a picture of me with no money. 197 00:10:12,203 --> 00:10:16,105 And this is a picture of me with money. 198 00:10:16,174 --> 00:10:18,734 See, your money ain't gonna go far. 199 00:10:18,810 --> 00:10:22,177 But when you put it all together with everybody else's... 200 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:25,683 then give it to me, it can go a long way... 201 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:28,275 and in "styrle." 202 00:10:30,355 --> 00:10:33,449 I used to be just like you, down on my luck... 203 00:10:33,525 --> 00:10:35,652 livin' from paycheck to paycheck... 204 00:10:35,727 --> 00:10:39,322 sittin' on my couch like an old, wet food stamp. 205 00:10:39,397 --> 00:10:42,025 Then, I thought, "Hold up, Loomis. 206 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,625 Why should we all be miserable?" 207 00:10:44,702 --> 00:10:49,298 Here are a few people who have benefited from my amazing program. 208 00:10:49,374 --> 00:10:51,740 My wife needed a critical heart operation. 209 00:10:51,809 --> 00:10:54,300 It was either that or send money to Loomis. 210 00:10:54,379 --> 00:10:58,042 I had a tough choice to make, but I think she would have wanted it that way. 211 00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:00,550 Ain't that right, baby? 212 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:05,646 I sent for Loomis's tapes, even though my husband laughed at me for doing it. 213 00:11:05,723 --> 00:11:07,987 Then, I sent Loomis our nest egg. 214 00:11:08,059 --> 00:11:11,620 And I would just like to say to my family, wherever they are... 215 00:11:11,696 --> 00:11:14,062 "See? Who's laughing now? 216 00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:19,035 Loomis is rich, and you said it couldn't be done." 217 00:11:19,103 --> 00:11:22,539 See what I mean? All over the planet... 218 00:11:22,607 --> 00:11:26,668 peoples is findin' out that I can be rich. 219 00:11:26,744 --> 00:11:29,770 Now, all they did was send me money. 220 00:11:29,847 --> 00:11:32,975 You can too. And for a limited time... 221 00:11:33,051 --> 00:11:37,886 if you send me a gift of over a hundred dollars, you'll receive... 222 00:11:37,956 --> 00:11:42,984 the Loomis Simmons five-cassette audio course. 223 00:11:43,061 --> 00:11:46,155 The first cassette is entitled "Thank You." 224 00:11:46,231 --> 00:11:50,634 It has a special "thank you" message from me to you. 225 00:11:50,702 --> 00:11:53,603 [Loomis On Tape] Thank you. Muchas gracias. 226 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,605 Uh, merci beaucoup. 227 00:11:55,673 --> 00:12:00,633 Thank you. [MockJapanese] 228 00:12:00,712 --> 00:12:05,649 Cassette number two is called "Loomis Hums." 229 00:12:05,717 --> 00:12:08,117 It contains over 17 minutes... 230 00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:10,381 of me hummin' my favorite tunes. 231 00:12:10,455 --> 00:12:12,320 Let's listen. 232 00:12:12,390 --> 00:12:15,553 ♪♪ [Humming Indistinct Tune] 233 00:12:20,765 --> 00:12:25,099 - ♪♪ [Ends] - And the other three tapes... Well, they just blank. 234 00:12:25,169 --> 00:12:27,467 You can do whatever you want with them. 235 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:31,338 If you play 'em and put the volume real loud... 236 00:12:31,409 --> 00:12:33,741 you hear a soft hiss... 237 00:12:33,811 --> 00:12:36,803 much like the soothin' sound of the sea. 238 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:39,315 Remember, I can't make me rich. 239 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:41,375 You have to take the initiative. 240 00:12:41,452 --> 00:12:46,151 Now is the time. Don't let my opportunity pass you by. 241 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:49,660 I can be richer than any of us can even imagine. 242 00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:53,891 So, don't just sit there! Make a difference! Make a change! 243 00:12:53,965 --> 00:12:56,866 Make me rich! 244 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:04,040 ♪♪ [Theme] 245 00:13:04,108 --> 00:13:10,047 [Announcer] And, now, for the further adventures of Handi Man! 246 00:13:23,161 --> 00:13:25,891 Ooh! Excuse me. I'm sorry. 247 00:13:25,963 --> 00:13:29,160 Will the owner of a pink Isuzi please move it? 248 00:13:29,233 --> 00:13:31,895 You're parked in a handicapped zone. 249 00:13:31,969 --> 00:13:36,030 Oh, my! I had no idea. 250 00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:40,976 Tell me, how can I ever make it up to you? 251 00:13:41,045 --> 00:13:44,037 Well, rubbing your breasts against me is a good start. 252 00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:46,948 - Oh! - What am I saying? I mean, I'm Handi Man. 253 00:13:47,018 --> 00:13:50,351 I defend and protect the physically challenged. 254 00:13:50,421 --> 00:13:56,018 Well, what would you say to a little physical challenge of our own? 255 00:13:56,094 --> 00:13:58,426 Wow! 256 00:13:58,496 --> 00:14:01,829 I must have left my handi-shorts in the dryer too long. 257 00:14:01,899 --> 00:14:04,595 Handi, I know we've just met... 258 00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:09,800 but I would be so happy if you would wear this little chain for me. 259 00:14:09,874 --> 00:14:15,278 You make me hotter than orthopedic shoes on Georgia asphalt. 260 00:14:15,346 --> 00:14:19,146 Georgia asphalt? Oh, no. 261 00:14:19,217 --> 00:14:21,777 - What's happening? - What's wrong? 262 00:14:23,588 --> 00:14:25,954 The medallion. 263 00:14:26,023 --> 00:14:30,289 It must be made of"cripplenite"... 264 00:14:30,361 --> 00:14:34,821 the one substance that renders me totally powerless. 265 00:14:34,899 --> 00:14:37,561 Well, what's the trouble, sugar? 266 00:14:37,635 --> 00:14:39,569 Well, I feel fine when I sit down. 267 00:14:39,637 --> 00:14:43,573 - But when I stand up, things go 'round and 'round. - Oh, my! 268 00:14:48,446 --> 00:14:53,110 Handi Man. A pleasure as always. 269 00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,881 I was just thinking about you as I ran over a Seeing Eye dog. 270 00:14:56,954 --> 00:14:59,388 [Sinister Laughter] 271 00:14:59,457 --> 00:15:02,017 Dr. Naughty. I should have known. 272 00:15:02,093 --> 00:15:04,618 You betrayed me. Bitch. 273 00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:07,027 - Oh. - Please, Handi. 274 00:15:07,098 --> 00:15:09,862 Did you really think a woman as alluring... 275 00:15:09,934 --> 00:15:13,335 as my Nurse Kaiser... 276 00:15:13,404 --> 00:15:16,737 could actually be attracted to the likes of you? 277 00:15:16,808 --> 00:15:21,040 No, I see she's only attracted to the sexually disabled. 278 00:15:21,112 --> 00:15:24,081 I didn't tell him. I swear! 279 00:15:24,148 --> 00:15:26,275 Go ahead. Have your little joke, Handi Man. 280 00:15:26,350 --> 00:15:28,716 Your kind won't be laughing long. 281 00:15:28,786 --> 00:15:34,349 Doug, why don't you help that four-legged fellow get his bearings? 282 00:15:34,425 --> 00:15:36,484 [Sinister Laughter] 283 00:15:39,597 --> 00:15:41,531 You've gone too far, Dr. Naughty. 284 00:15:41,599 --> 00:15:44,932 I still can muster up enough strength... 285 00:15:45,002 --> 00:15:48,529 to take care of you and this big-headed bully. 286 00:15:48,606 --> 00:15:50,870 Let's get busy! 287 00:15:52,443 --> 00:15:55,071 May I have a scotch and soda, please? 288 00:15:55,146 --> 00:15:57,410 Get him, Doug! 289 00:15:58,716 --> 00:16:02,516 I was just kiddin' about the big-headed stuff, Doug. 290 00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:07,923 Oh, that's... Oh, that's gotta hurt. 291 00:16:12,830 --> 00:16:14,957 You had enough? 292 00:16:15,032 --> 00:16:18,866 Clean up this mess, handi wipe. 293 00:16:23,708 --> 00:16:26,643 God, I'm so embarrassed. 294 00:16:40,858 --> 00:16:44,589 ♪♪ [Singing] 295 00:16:44,662 --> 00:16:46,596 [Hiccups] 296 00:16:46,664 --> 00:16:51,192 ♪♪ [Singing Continues] 297 00:16:51,269 --> 00:16:53,931 [Slurring] I've been defeated. 298 00:16:54,005 --> 00:16:57,270 I'll never be able to hold my head up... 299 00:16:57,341 --> 00:17:00,833 and look people straight in the eye again. 300 00:17:00,912 --> 00:17:04,177 Handi, you could never hold your head up and look people straight in the eye. 301 00:17:04,248 --> 00:17:06,409 Oh, yeah, that's right. 302 00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:08,975 Pour me another drink, please. 303 00:17:09,053 --> 00:17:12,454 Oh, Handi! 304 00:17:12,523 --> 00:17:15,515 Oh, just look at you. What have I done? 305 00:17:15,593 --> 00:17:19,222 I've been so riddled with guilt, I can't even sleep at night. 306 00:17:19,297 --> 00:17:22,858 You know, there was one thing I hadn't counted on in all of this. 307 00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:26,426 I didn't count on falling in love with you. 308 00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:30,270 Yeah, well, you got a funny way of showing your affection. 309 00:17:30,341 --> 00:17:32,969 Look at me. It's too late. 310 00:17:33,044 --> 00:17:35,911 - I've lost my superpowers. - No! 311 00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:39,711 You mustn't say that. No, you have to pull yourself together, Handi. 312 00:17:39,784 --> 00:17:44,050 The power is within you. It's always been there. 313 00:17:44,121 --> 00:17:47,921 Just break that chain! 314 00:17:47,992 --> 00:17:50,927 - I can't do it. - You've got to. 315 00:17:50,995 --> 00:17:52,929 - I can't do it. - Oh, you've got to. 316 00:17:52,997 --> 00:17:55,795 [Straining] 317 00:17:59,070 --> 00:18:01,664 I did it! I'm back! 318 00:18:01,739 --> 00:18:06,233 ♪♪ [Humming] 319 00:18:06,310 --> 00:18:08,335 I'm so proud of you. 320 00:18:08,412 --> 00:18:10,642 - I gotta go stop Dr. Naughty. - Yes. 321 00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,741 Please meet me at my place tonight, sugar. 322 00:18:13,818 --> 00:18:16,651 - Oh! - Sorry. 323 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,451 Up, up, and away! 324 00:18:23,961 --> 00:18:26,555 [Announcer] Will Handi stop his fiendish foe... 325 00:18:26,631 --> 00:18:30,465 from burnishing the bumps in every braille book? 326 00:18:30,534 --> 00:18:32,468 Aha! 327 00:18:32,536 --> 00:18:35,994 Another wheelchair ramp in Utah has been turned into stairs. 328 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:39,008 Soon, every handicapped toilet in the country... 329 00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,567 will have a little, narrow doorway... 330 00:18:41,646 --> 00:18:46,242 and every hearing aid will share a radio frequency with Howard Stern! 331 00:18:46,317 --> 00:18:48,251 [Sinister Laughter] 332 00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:52,220 - Not so fast, Dr. Naughty. - [Gasps] 333 00:18:52,289 --> 00:18:56,623 It looks like the shoe is on the other clubbed foot. 334 00:18:56,694 --> 00:18:59,527 Handi Man! How could this be possible? 335 00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,462 The cripplenite! 336 00:19:01,532 --> 00:19:05,730 Haven't you learned? Never underestimate the powers of the handicapped. 337 00:19:05,803 --> 00:19:08,704 Throw him in the cripple pit! 338 00:19:12,843 --> 00:19:15,573 Don't remember to visit the Alamo. 339 00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:21,312 Curse you, Handi Man! 340 00:19:21,385 --> 00:19:24,218 Tell it to the judge, Dr. Naughty. 341 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,449 Oh, Handi! 342 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:31,022 Nurse Kaiser, how could you? 343 00:19:31,095 --> 00:19:34,553 Once you go handicapped, you'll never go back. 344 00:19:37,501 --> 00:19:40,732 Come on, Nurse Kaiser. We got a lot of catching up to do. 345 00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:44,935 - Up, up, and away! - Well, wait a minute. I can't fly! 346 00:19:45,009 --> 00:19:47,807 - Well, hang on to my handi-shorts. - Okay. 347 00:19:47,878 --> 00:19:50,711 Up, up, and away! 348 00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:55,679 [Announcer] Tune in next time for the further adventures... 349 00:19:55,753 --> 00:19:59,883 of Handi Man! 350 00:20:01,959 --> 00:20:05,952 Two up-and-coming brothers, also very talented producers. 351 00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:09,363 Got the slammin' album out Mecca and the Soul Brother. 352 00:20:09,433 --> 00:20:13,301 That's on Elektra Records. So, please welcome, from money-earnin' Mt. Vernon... 353 00:20:13,370 --> 00:20:17,397 Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth... "Straighten It Out." 354 00:20:17,475 --> 00:20:19,102 ♪♪ [Rap] 355 00:20:57,047 --> 00:21:01,711 ♪♪ [Continues] 356 00:21:57,908 --> 00:22:02,572 ♪♪ [Continues] 357 00:22:51,695 --> 00:22:54,755 ♪♪ [Ends] 29857

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