Original subtitles

It's that time of year when we take a rest...

and give you a chance to check out the best.

Here's one of our Best Of shows, a collection of your favorite sketches from this season.

Thanks for checking us out.

I still don't understand why you brought me here today.

Well, honey, you're older now and Mama thinks it's time to show you something very special.

- Ta-da! - Wow, look at all these names.

These must be the names of people who donated money to keep the park beautiful.

- Hmm, not exactly. - Then these must be the 1,000 points of light.

No, Missy. These 20,000 names are the women who've slept with Wilt Chamberlain.

You mean there's a monument to that?

Honey, that's just the tip of the iceberg. You see that name up there?

- Mom! - That's right. Me. Me! [Laughs]

Mom, that's great.

- Oh.! - You never cease to amaze me.

Well, honey, you know...

one of these days maybe you'll get lucky and you'll meet Wilt...

and then your name will be on the wall of fame.

Well, thanks all the same, but, uh...

I've already been there, homie.

You little rascal.

You don't have to tell me why them call him The Stilt.

[Both Laugh, Squeal]

Oh, girl. Oh, I guess my little girl's a full-grown skeezer.

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪ - ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold your remote control ♪

♪ Chill This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin' when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

Ah, Minister Farrakhan, I'm certainly looking forward to the game today.

Well, Al Sharpton, the regular manager of the baseball team is sick today...

and the owner wants you to fill in.

And it's important that you become familiar with all the players' names...

especially since some of them are a little strange.

- Oh, I'm down. - That's right. I'm Down is sick, so you'll be taking his place.

- Say what? - Saywhat's over in right field.

- So who's on first? - No, Jews on first.

- Says who? - The owner, Whitey.

- Whitey's on the team? - That's right, with Jews on first...

Theman is on second, Mr. Charlie at shortstop, and It's Aconspiracy at third.

- Now, wait a minute. Who's at shortstop? - Mr. Charlie.

- But, now, isn't that a conspiracy? - No, Aconspiracy's at third.

- So then, who's at first? - No, Jews on first.

- Preach on. - Preachon is pitching.

- Say what, my brother? - Saywhat's right field. Mybrother is catching.

So, now, Mybrother's catching.

Right on. So where's Aconspiracy? Preach on.

No, Righton is in left field, Aconspiracy is at third, and Mybrother is catching, Preachon.

- Preach on? - That's right, Preachon.

- Amen. - Is playing center field.

- Say what? - In right field.

- Says who? - Whitey.

- Preach on! - Preachon is pitching to Mybrother.

So, uh, Jews on first?

- I'm down. - I thought you said he was the old manager.

- No, I'm just saying, "I'm down." - I'm Down, what? Is at first?

- No, Jews on first. - So, Jews on first...

Theman is at second, Mr. Charlie is the shortstop, and then It's Aconspiracy.

- Amen, my brother. - Center field and catcher.

- Say what? - Amen and Righton. Now, that takes care of the outfield.

- Righton and Amen. - So, where is the conspiracy?

Between Mybrother and Theman.

- According to who? - Whitey and Jews.

See, this is all the work of Whitey's and Jews.

Now, I understand Whitey, but why theJews?

- BecauseJews is also captain. - Over Mybrother?

- Right on. - And amen and preach on, my brother.

This is more confusing than the Tawana Brawley trial.

Johnny? Johnny, is that you?

Oh, Johnny, it's been so long. I thought you'd never come back.

- Why, you're notJohnny! - Yeah, I know.

Tell your story walking, pal, or I'll have the hotel dick up here so quick, you'll...

Look here, babe, you better chill, all right? You better chill, 'cause I will...

l... Baby, I will brush you to death.

Baby? Why, no sentimental sap on earth...

would call me baby, except one person alone... Johnny.

He sent you, didn't he? Oh, of course. I should've realized.

Oh, what did he say? Tell me everything. I want to hear every word.

Uh, he said for you not to call the police...

no matter what you do, and just forget this ever happened.

Oh, nuts. I could never forgetJohnny.

Why, I'm the only one in the world who really understands him.

Oh, take me to him, won't you? You've got to.

Oh, tell me everything. Tell me what he said. Tell me what he needs!

Well...

Well, actually, what he need is, Johnny needs some money.

Money? Why, is that all? The big lug.

No, not just money. He need, uh, credit cards, VCRs...

uh, camcorders, and he been cravin' for this Rolex.

Well, I suppose I do have a few baubles, a few trinkets, a few shiny souvenirs.

They may seem meaningless to you...

but they've brought a handful of happiness to this lonely heart.

Hey, hold it. This ain't one of them Totally Hidden Video things like that, is it?

Oh, Johnny. I remember the day he left as though it was yesterday.

He stood right at that door, and said to me, " Velma...

I'm going out for a dozen roses, a pack of cigarettes and a quart of gin."

Then he slipped me five bucks and told me to buy myself something pretty.

I've been waiting here ever since.

You don't have that five dollars with you, do you?

Oh, take it. Take it all.

Don't you see? Nothing means anything to me butJohnny.

Oh, I miss him so! [Sobbing] Oh, Johnny!

[Mock Sobbing] Oh, Johnny! Oh!

Oh, Johnny!

I'm Oprah, girl. Let it out, girl. Caller, you say...

- Oh, Johnny! - Oh! [Blubbering]

Ah, Johnny!

Johnny!

You will take me to him, won't you? You've got to.

I simply won't take "no" for an answer.

I'll just get my wrap and be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Hey, listen. Hold on, sweetie. Look, look. I'm gonna run and get some roses...

and some cigarettes and a quart of gin, and I'll be right back for you, all right?

All right, kid.

You don't have to spell it out for me.

I wasn't born yesterday, you know.

Hey. Here's five dollars.

Go get you something pretty.

That's right, kid. Go on without me.

It's better that way. I'll only slow you down.

But give a message toJohnny for me.

Tell him I love him. Tell him I'll wait right here.

I'd wait a thousand years.

Oh, Johnny.

I'd wait forever for you.

- ♪♪ [Disco] - [Announcer] Cable access channel 96...

presents Men On Football.

- Hello! I'm Blayne Edwards. - And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[Together] And welcome to Men On Football.

The show that looks at football from a male point of view.

That's right. Tonight we're live and uncensored.

- That's right, naked to the world. - Peekaboo!

Please, stop.

Do you know we have a new sponsor?

Wilson Sporting Goods...

the official balls of the NFL.

I ain't said a word.

You know, a lot of people were very surprised to hear...

that we was doing a special football show.

But we've been fans of football for many years.

I mean, what other game boasts such great names like Dick Butkus?

Or my favorite, Bob Griese.

- Now, isn't he a tight end? - He was.

Still, there's a lot of things about this game that could be better, like the uniforms.

[Together] Hated 'em.

For instance, you know, I was so disappointed when I found out...

that those numbers on the back, they were just for identification.

Oh, I know what you mean. The smallest one I saw was 11.

And then I saw one that said 78. Child, I almost fainted.

[Giggles]

You need to stop.

And you know, I found that those padded shoulders were just tooJoan Crawford.

- Mm-hmm. And speaking of old fish... - Mm-hmm.

What about those cheerleaders?

[Together] Hated 'em.

I mean, what good are they? Everybody knows that these are mens...

who just look at each others for they "strungth" and inspiration to do they best...

not some scallop on the sidelines.

Fuff!

- I don't understand why they bring 'em in. - Mm-hmm.

And what about this matchup today, the Buffalo Bills against the Washington Redskins?

Oh, yes! It's like playing cowboys and Indians.

[War Whoop]

Well, tie me up and scalp me, but I'd be a lot more entertained...

if they were playing with the Oilers and Packers.

That's a thought. [Chuckles]

- Now, what's your favorite play of the game, 'Toine? - Well, to be truthful...

- Mm-hmm? - For me nothing beats...

that "resquisite" moment of tension...

right before the play begin...

as the muscular, sweaty football mens get down on that line of scrimmage.

There they is, eyeball to eyeball.

They breaths is comin' out like steam from a big bull's nostrils.

I just got three words to describe it... de-li-cious.

I'm through.

Uh-oh, I think I just sprung a leak.

- And speaking of football, let's bring back thatJoe Namath. - Mm-hmm.

I'll never forget the time when he put on those panty hose on national television.

It must have taken so much courage for him to come out and say, " This is me.

This is who I am. Call me BroadwayJoe, 'cause that's how I do it... the 'broad' way."

- [Blows Whistle] - Time out.

Now, you got to reverse that call. Joe Namath is married. Hello!

Now, I'm very confused about this part of the game.

Now, Blayne, we all know what a red flag in the right pocket means.

- Mm-hmm. - But what does a yellow flag in the left pocket mean?

- Oh, I think those are the wide receivers. - Mm-hmm.

- But there's so much about this game that's so confusing. - Mm-hmm.

For instance, why do they stop a play when there's too many mens on the field?

- To me, that's party time. - Because, Blayne...

too many mens, that's an illegal formation.

Well, if love is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Oh, you don't know the first thing about football.

And you don't know the first thing about lotion. So anyways...

Oh, you about to seriously work my last good nerve, ain't you?

Don't get mad, 'Toine.

Is that all you? [Giggles]

You can show me how to play. Teach me. Go ahead.

- Okay. You have a ball? - I think I have one right here.

Come on.

- Now... - I think I played this one before.

All you have to do is say "hike" and take the little, blue ball and start running.

But isn't that gonna hurt you?

Take the ball, silly. Go ahead. Say, "Hike."

[Both Squealing]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where's all the mens that's supposed to chase me?

I don't like this game.

Well, that's our show for this week. But before we go...

we'd like to salute all the mens playing the Super Bowl with our special Super Bowl snap.

[Together] Two snaps and your backfield in motion.

- Good-bye! - Good night.

♪♪ [Disco: Women Singing]

Hey, man, I don't know about this blind date thing, man.

Oh, man, don't bail out on me now, man. It's gonna be all right.

I promise you. Tonight will be a night you will never forget.

- Girl, how do I look? - I told you, Wanda, you look fine.

Oh, you don't think this dress is too tight, do you?

- No, girl, you look perfect. - Okay, then. Okay, then.

Come on. There they are. Put the compact away.

Girl, I hope he ain't ugly 'cause I can't stand no ugly man.

No, no, no. He's cute.

Oh, no, wait a minute. No, she... No, she didn't.

She done try to have my dress on.

She just... And ugly.

Wanda, that's not nice. That's not right.

If she ugly, she just ugly. Ain't no ifs, ands or buts.

- Who you lookin' at? - Come on.

- Damn! - Hey! Wait, wait! Whoa! Whoa!

Wait up! Wait up, now!

- This is Carl. - This is Wanda.

- Carl. - Wanda.

Oh. Oh!

I'm... I'm sorry.

- He is cute, girl. - I told you.

Calm down. You're so stiff!

Well, you gonna pull my chair out for me?

You're crazy.

Ooh! My throat is dry.

Ooh, can we get somethin' to drink or somethin'?

- Bartender, give me some water. - Water?

Uh, so this is really nice. Um, Wanda...

Tammy tells me that you went to Poly "U"?

Oh, oh, yeah. That's right. For real, though.

I was studying in communications.

But, uh, I'm tryin' to go into modeling.

Interesting. That's interesting, see, 'cause Carl here...

- he's a photographer. - Oh, for real though? For real?

Well, you could take some pictures of me 'cause, see...

my mama always said that I was real "photogentical."

And, see, I wanna take some of those sexy pictures...

- you know, in them "lingeray" draws. - [Retches]

- You know, "lingeray." - Uh, uh, look. I gotta go to the bathroom.

- Gimme your keys, man! - Man, you ain't goin' nowhere, Carl. You owe me.

Man, the girl looks like a damn jackal!

Look, don't start with me, man. You remember Bethesda Willis?

She looked like Earnie Shavers, man. I was poppin' blackheads all night.

- Man, you gonna hold that to me right now? - Yes!

Just stay here till I give you the signal.

- Chill, man. - Is somethin' wrong?

Uh, no, baby, but...

[Whispering] I thought you said your friend was cute.

Well, I think she is cute. And, uh, besides, it's not what's on the outside...

it's what's on the inside that counts.

Well, somebody should flip her ugly ass inside out.

What did he say? I know you not trippin'.

- No, no. He said... He said... - I know he is not trippin'.

He said maybe y'all should get out on the dance floor and turn this mamma jamma out.

- Right. - I heard you all. Let's go dance.

- Come on. - I don't like the deejay.

Well, why don't you guys just talk? You know, get to know each other.

- I bet you have a lot in common. - For real. For real though.

Now, look here, my little chocolate angel...

how might a brother like myself get all up on this frame of yours?

Well, just keep sayin' the right thing.

- Open sesame. - [Laughs]

Uh, do you like alligators?

- I hate 'em. - Oh, I don't like 'em either.

They skin so rough.

Thank you. Don't be tryin' to talk to me!

He tried to talk to me. He tryin' to talk to me.

You see him?

Better be glad this ain't no liquor 'cause come 12:00...

I turn into a wolf.

Must be a quarter to 1:00.

You so crazy! He's so crazy. That's...

I liked at you when I first "seened" you.

You my type. You crazy.

Look, uh, I gotta go get some ChapStick, man.

Oh, no. That's okay. Uh-uh. I got some Vaseline.

You gotta... You gotta work around the sides and stuff.

Look, l... I gotta go get some cigarettes, y'all.

- I gotta go get some cigarettes. - Oh, that's okay.

I got cigarettes too. You ain't got to go nowhere.

- Uh, gotta get some matches. - Oh, you so silly.

You know if I got cigarettes, I got matches.

- Uh, I need gas for my car. - What you need?

Unleaded or supreme?

You ain't got to go nowhere. I got you.

I have you. You mine.

Hey.

Word up.

Hey! It's gettin' kind of ugly... Uh, it's gettin' late.

- Uh, so, Carl. Man, I gotta get out... - The night's just startin'.

- Hey, man, you in my ass! - Hey, man...

What's wrong with him?

Is your friend on crack?

No, he's been dieting, you know.

[Clears Throat]

[Clears Throat]

I'm ready to go.

Look, Wanda, we'll leave in a few minutes, all right?

I said, I am ready to go.

- I'm gonna call you a cab. - You ain't got to call me no cab.

We came together, we'll leave together. What you talking about?

See, y-you tryin' to trick somebody. You tryin' to trick somebody.

But I know all y'all wanna do is get her stuff.

- Wanda... - Wait, wait. You don't know anything about me.

Look, I ain't got to know nothin' about you!

Okay? I ain't got to know nothin' about you.

All right? Do I have to know somethin' about you?

- No, ma'am. - Let's go, girl. Let's go.

- Um, you see her... - Girl, he ain't no good. Let's go.

- I'm sorry. - Girl, he ain't no good. Let's just go.

Here my number. Call me.

I'll rock your world.

All right, everybody, thanks for joining us...

and we'll see you next week, here, tonight, watch us.