Original subtitles

♪ There is more to life Than what you're living ♪

♪ So take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path we take And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪♪

Tony, may I see you for a minute?

You rang, madam?

Yes, Tony.

Ever since you've been here,

everything is just spotless and immaculate.

Dirt is my enemy.

Well, I'm glad to hear that,

because the enemy has landed in my bedroom.

Yeah, you know, I don't want to...

Shall we have a look?

Yeah. Why not, I guess.

Hey, this is nice... really nice.

Ah-ha! That proves it.

You've never been in here before.

No. This is your private chamber.

Tony, you're the housekeeper, and this is part of the house.

Now, the private chamber may be mine,

but the dust is yours.

I'm sorry. Hey, you want me to come in here and clean,

I'll come in here and clean.

I want you to. I want you to.

And, Tony, the same thing goes for my bathroom.

Oh, wait... a bathroom?

I mean, don't you have things in there

that are too personal to mention,

you know, like, I don't know, false eyelashes?

I'll tell you what.

If you find anything too personal to mention,

just clean it and don't mention it.

Come on.

I'm not going in the bathroom...

Well, this is it...

the land that Tidy Bowl forgot.

Gee, what a great tub, eh?

I mean, a walrus could bathe in there.

Oh, no offense.

It looks like one has. No offense.

Hey, it's done. Forget it.

Hey, headphones, huh?

Yeah, when I take a bath,

I love to listen to classical music.

That's interesting.

Bathing with Beethoven.

You know, you're really lucky.

I only have a shower.

And sometimes, I love to take bubbles baths.

Really? You, in a bubble bath?

I always pictured you in the shower.

I mean... if I pictured you at all,

I would picture your type in a shower.

I get the picture.

Now let's talk laundry.

Oh, wait a minute. Laundry!

Don't you have your dainties in there?

Tony, um, I am the president

of the 12th largest advertising agency

in the country.

They expect me to wear clean underwear.

Okay, coach, what do I do?

Well, uh, most of this stuff

you can just throw in the machine,

but these, um, these silk things...

and, um, these stockings,

you'll have to wash those by hand.

You don't really want me to wash your skivvies, do you?

Tony, this is all part of the job.

If I were working for you, I'd wash your whatevers.

My whatevers ain't pink.

All right, look, why don't you show me

where to put these little suckers

after I'm finished washing them?

Come with me.

Well, um... These... go in this drawer.

And these... go in this drawer.

I see.

And, uh... These... go in this drawer.

And now I think you'd better take me to the train.

Hold it.

You know you got this laid out all wrong, don't you?

I mean, what's the first thing you put on when you get dressed?

I beg your pardon?

Well, I mean, since you invited me in here,

I figured I'll streamline the place a little bit.

Well, if you must know,

the first thing that I put on are my...

underpants.

And then what?

And then my bra, and then my pantyhose.

That's what I thought.

You're doing this all wrong.

You're wasting valuable time.

I mean, look.

First, you got to come over here

to put on your panties, right,

then you got to come over here to put on your bra,

and then you've got to chug way back over here

to put on your pantyhose.

What were you before you came here,

a female impersonator?

Can't you see you're wasting 10, 15 seconds of your life

every morning?

I want this place to run like a well-oiled machine.

If you had it your way,

I'd be getting dressed on a conveyor belt.

Not a bad idea.

No, no, no, Jonathan.

First, you put on your jacket,

then you put on your gloves.

That's not how my mother does it.

All right, gang.

Now keep your eyes open for that school bus.

I'll be back in six minutes.

Oh, that's all right, Sam.

I'll finish that.

Have a good day at school, dear.

Bye, Mrs. Bower.

Well, do you remember our multiplication tables?

What is six times eight?

Sixty-four.

No, no, sweetheart. Six times eight is 48.

You keep repeating that to the bus driver.

He's the one who told me it was 64.

I'm sure he meant well.

I love you.

Don't forget we're going

to the parents' meeting tonight.

I won't forget, sweetheart. Bye-bye.

Parents' meeting?

You didn't tell me about any parents' meeting.

I brought home the notice last week.

You never showed it to me.

Well, I can't think of everything.

Jonathan, come here.

Sweetheart,

there's a very important board meeting tonight

and mommy is the president.

And... and so I have to be there.

You see, it's like

if you had a birthday party, you'd have to be there.

So I'm sorry,

but I won't be able to be there tonight.

Do you understand?

Okay, I understand.

Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

Well, thank you, sweetheart.

Thanks.

I'll be the only kid whose mother doesn't care.

Hey, Mona.

The last of the red-hot co-eds. Watch out.

Well, you know what they say.

It's never too late to matriculate.

Hey.

Thanks for fixing my lunch.

Yeah. You got it, baby.

You know I take care of all my school kids. I know.

Oh, it is such a joy immersing myself in academia.

I spent hours in the library re-reading my notes on Freud.

What a brilliant mind.

He saw filth in everything.

So do I.

Well, I'm going to go have an after-school snack.

All that talk about fruit cakes and nuts

made me hungry.

Hi.

Hi right back.

I hate to bother you, but my car broke down.

Could I use your phone to call the auto club?

Yeah, sure.

Come on.

It's right over here.

I really appreciate it.

What a pretty place.

Did your wife do this herself?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not married. I just work here.

I see.

Yeah, the phone... The phone is over there.

Oh, excuse me.

I'll just get this out of the way.

Hey, I got a pot of coffee going.

You want a cup.

No thanks. I'm fine.

That's for sure.

Do you happen to be Italian?

Yeah. How'd you know?

Takes one to know one.

You're Italian too?

Yeah. Right down to my Fettuccini Alfredo.

And I happen to know

this terrific little Italian restaurant.

Are you free tonight?

Wow. You don't waste any...

I'll pick you up at 6:00.

Time, do you?

Hey, by the way, I'm Tony.

I'm Cindy.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah.

Hey, where're you going? What about the auto club?

Oh, well, that was just a little white lie

so we could get acquainted.

Yeah?

Worked great.

Yeah, it did, didn't it?

Gee, I love when they come to your door.

Hey, Tony. Tony, where's the carrot juice?

We're out of it.

Professor Morrell.

How nice to see you outside of class.

Professor?

Mona?

It's nice to see you. Do you live here?

No, no. My daughter does.

Tony's my... kind of my housekeeper-in-law.

You work for Mona's daughter?

Yeah, you know.

She brings home the bacon and I fry it.

That's nice.

Well, looking forward, Tony.

See you in class, Mona.

How do you like that? A professor.

The closest I ever came to a professor

was when I changed buses at Brooklyn College.

And she's not just a professor,

she's a Fellow of Clinical Psychology.

I'm dating a Fellow.

Hey, wait...

You have a date with my professor?

Well, yeah.

Well... She is just about to grade my mid-term exam.

Put a smile on her face, Tony.

I feel an A coming on, Mona.

Hey, look, I want a good grade,

but don't hurt yourself.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Angela's working tonight

and I'm supposed to sit with the kids.

No problem. I'll cover for you.

I'll scratch your back, you scratch hers.

Mona, I love you.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hey. Look who's home.

Hey, give me that box. Ho, give me a kiss.

How was school, honey?

Great. Fabulous.

I struck out five and I walked one.

That's great, but what about class?

Oh. I won the baseball pool.

See you.

How about you, champ? How was your day?

Chris Peterson kept picking on me.

Yeah? Well, why don't you pick back?

She's tougher than I am.

Oh.

Ew. That looks awful.

How can you drink that stuff?

I can't.

It's for you, for your big date.

It's a high potency drink.

Yeah? Yeah.

To give you a lot of energy and stamina.

It's got protein powder, and some raw eggs,

and 800 units of Vitamin E.

Here, drink up.

Why didn't you just throw an oyster in it?

I did.

Here I am, Jonathan.

Hi, Mom.

Aren't you surprised to see me?

No. You live here.

Sweetheart, I cancelled the board meeting,

and I cancelled all my dinner plans

just so that you and I could go to the parents' night together.

Wasn't that nice of me?

I guess so, but I made a mistake.

Parents' night is next week.

Jonathan, I'm going to sell you to the gypsies.

Wow, I like gypsies.

I will not be upset.

I will not explode.

I will go upstairs and drown myself in a hot tub.

Tell Tony I'm home for dinner.

Right, Mom.

I think I'll go up and catch a nice hot shower.

You know, wouldn't a nice hot bath

be nice right about now?

Well, why don't you take one?

You know why.

I mean, the only tub is in Angela's bathroom.

Well, what difference does it make?

She won't be home for hours.

Go on.

You know, a hot date deserves a hot bath.

Ooh... I like this woman.

You really think she won't mind?

No, no. I'll talk to her about it later.

Oh, Mona, I love you. You're the greatest.

I know.

♪ Hi-ho, hi-ho It's off to bathe I go... ♪

♪ Going down the path With my bubble bath ♪

♪ Hi-ho... ♪

♪ Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi... ♪

♪ Hi-ho... ♪♪

Holy smoke!

Hey, look. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm...

Okay, okay, okay, you're sorry, you're sorry.

Hey, look, I didn't see anything.

You saw everything.

I've got a lousy memory.

Oh, sure.

I was looking at your headset.

Oh, I'll just bet you were.

By the way, what were you doing

coming into my bathroom with your robe and your soap

and your rub-a-dub-dub brush?

Well, I was going to sort of take a bath.

Sort of take a bath?

Gee, I don't have a tub. All I have is a shower.

Aw, poor baby.

And where in the Constitution

does it guarantee life, liberty,

and the pursuit of a bubble bath?

I didn't even know you were there.

I mean, why didn't you lock the door?

Because I'm not used to having people wander into my bathroom.

Oh, yeah. Well, you're the one who told me to come on in there.

"You're the housekeeper. This is part of the house."

Oh. Are you in the habit of cleaning in your bathrobe?

All right, so I wasn't cleaning.

But I might have been cleaning,

and if I was cleaning,

I still would have seen

what I saw when I wasn't cleaning.

What?

Why didn't you just tell me you were coming home early?

What is this, a new rule around here?

I don't even have enough dinner.

You know, I'm one Cornish game hen short.

I'll shorten your game hen.

Oh, come on, Angela, this was an accident.

Why don't we just pretend it never happened?

Well, that's easy for you to say.

You're the person who did the ogling.

I'm the person who got ogled.

Yeah, but, look, nobody knows.

It's just our little secret.

Oh, Angela, so what's the big deal?

So Tony saw your bare buns.

Oh, wonderful, Mother. Wonderful.

Now, why don't we just tell everyone in Connecticut?

"Tony saw Angela naked."

"Tony saw Angela naked."

"Tony saw Angela naked."

You must be Angela.

Hello?

Who are you, and what are you doing at my door?

I'm Cindy Morrell. I came to pick up Tony.

This is my date.

Won't you come in?

Well, won't you come in?

Will we be keeping our clothes on?

Talk to Mona. I'll be a minute.

Tony, what is going on here?

I feel like I'm losing control.

I can't come home early,

I can't take a bath,

I can't even yell out my own front door.

Me and my date will get out of your hair.

And that's another thing. What's all this about a date?

I can't have a social life?

I mean, why, because I saw you naked, I'm grounded?

You are supposed to sit with the kids tonight.

I know. I know.

Your mother said she would cover. My mother?

Yeah. Your mother.

My mother?

Who's the boss around here? Me or my mother?

Or maybe it's you.

You've got to excuse us.

We were just having a little pow-wow.

Yes, just settling a little private household matter.

You mean the one

you were shouting out the front door?

Could we just drop the whole thing?

No.

That is avoidance.

You see, you have to nip these things in the bud,

or else they'll fester,

like a bug ugly boil

that you have to prick with a pin.

Lovely, Mother, lovely.

Oh, thank you, Angela.

And what would you do

in a situation like this, professor?

I'd go to dinner.

You're a professor? Of what?

I have my PhD in Clinical Psychology.

She's no dummy.

Mona, maybe some time

you could stage a little psycho drama

and help these two people work through their problems.

You are going to love psycho drama.

It's like dinner theater for whackos.

Here, now, this is what we're going to do...

Mona, Mona, Mona, I didn't mean right now.

Tony, we do have reservations.

So do I. Lots of them.

Angela, Angela,

this is just going to take a minute.

See, now, you feel foolish and violated

because of what happened, see,

and Tony, Tony feel embarrassed and guilty.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

I'd like to get off the hook.

Oh, I'll bet you would.

Oh, good. I'm going to be the director.

All right, professor?

All right, Mona, but hurry.

All right.

Now, Angela, let's say that you walked in on Tony.

But I didn't, Mother.

Well, let's say you did.

Tony, you are in the bathtub taking a nice bath...

so why don't you do that for us?

Oh, Mother, this is just ridiculous.

Oh, Angela, get with the game.

All right, now, Tony, make it real.

What do you do when you're taking a bath?

Are you enjoying it?

Yeah, I'm really into this.

My fingers are starting to wrinkle here.

Good.

Now the bath is over.

Oh, Mona, I just got in the tub.

Get out of the bath and start drying off, huh?

All right,

now, Angela, here you are approaching the door,

you see, you have no idea what's on the other side.

Okay, start your move.

I don't know. I feel silly.

This is the moment of truth.

This is the bathroom door.

Now, you are going to open the door and walk in.

Go get him.

Hey!

What are you laughing at?

I can see through your towel.

Why didn't you knock?

Well, why don't you lock the door?

Because I don't have the key.

Oh, yeah? Here.

Gotcha!

You did that on purpose, Angela.

Cut.

That's it.

Now, don't you feel better, Angela?

No.

Tony?

I feel used and cheap.

I don't understand this.

Don't be discouraged, Mona.

When you're dealing with

a repressed personality like this,

it takes time.

Shall we go, Tony?

Repressed personality?

Uh, she was speaking clinically.

I see.

Well, speaking clinically,

how would you feel if Tony walked in on you?

It wouldn't bother me in the least.

Oh, come on.

It would bother anyone with a sense of modesty.

I wonder if we're talking about modesty here

or subconscious exhibitionism.

We do tend to write our own little scripts.

Are you saying that I wanted him to see me?

Well, you did broadcast it to half of Connecticut:

"Tony saw me naked."

I bet that really got your juices going.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. That's a little rough, huh?

Let's go, Tony.

You coming?

Nah. Maybe you'd better go by yourself.

Oh, I get it. She's your boss.

Yeah, she's my boss, but she's also good people.

I'm really sorry you feel that way, Tony.

You don't know what you're missing.

It's a chance I'll have to take.

I guess I can kiss my A goodbye.

I'm sorry if I ruined your evening.

And miss one gorgeous college professor.

Another one will be by any minute.

I'll tell you what,

we need some management labor negotiations.

You can definitely use the tub

when I am definitely not in it.

And I will definitely knock before I come in.

And if I'm going to come home unexpectedly for dinner,

I'll definitely call.

And I'll keep something in the freezer,

just for you, in case you forget.

And one other thing, about my underwear...

Angela... The special handwashed stuff.

Yeah, I know.

I'll do it myself.

Deal?

Definitely deal. Oh, yeah.

My faith in psychology

was never shaken for a single moment.

I knew this would work out.

You really shrunk us good, didn't you?

I did, didn't I?

This is a wonderful moment.

It's the first time I feel like we're real family.

A family?

Yeah. After all,

we're the only three people in the world

that know about your mole!