Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Pound of bacon, two pounds of butter,

two loaves of bread, a large can of peas,

quart of olive oil, can of sardines,

and a pound of chopped meat.

That be all Mr. Douglas?

- Yes that's all.

- That comes to a dollar 18.

- A dollar 18?

- Don't get mad at me, it ain't my doing.

The wholesaler raises me, I gotta raise you.

- Yeah well...

- It's criminal the way prices are going up.

You bought any gas lately?

It's 13 cents a gallon now.

- 13...

- You need anything else Mr. Douglas?

- No no thanks that's all.

- I almost forgot, there's a letter for you.

- Oh?

- Yeah the way things are going up,

I'm surprised folks are writing anymore.

Writing paper's gone up five cents a box.

It's hard to get a bottle of ink for less than four cents.

Now I hate to tell you what I have to charge for blotters

and have you bought any pen wipers lately?

- No I... - Well don't.

- Could I please have my letter?

- Oh yeah there you are.

The whole thing's getting out of hand.

It's a good thing Coolidge didn't choose to run again

'cause I wouldn't have voted for him.

- Yeah I don't think I would either.

- Anything important?

- Oh no, it's a birthday card from my mother.

- You know I love those poems they write on those cards.

You mind if I look at it?

- No, go right ahead.

- Happy birthday oh son of mine.

Hope this finds you well and fine.

The joys you brought me all through life.

Never any sorrow, never any strife.

And now you're married and have a wife.

Happy birthday oh son of mine.

Them poets sure know how to get to you here.

- Yes, they're real...

- Oh by the way, happy birthday.

- Thanks but my birthday isn't until tomorrow.

- You're kidding?

You know who else's birthday it is tomorrow?

- Yours?

- No, Arnold's. - The pig?

- Yeah, you and him ought to celebrate together.

- Well not if I can help it.

- Well anyway, best wishes.

- Thank you thank you.

Hi!

- Oh hello dear.

- What's in the washing machine?

- Oh curtains.

- Curtains, how do you, what?

Lisa, most people take the curtains off the rods.

- Then how do they know which curtain

goes back on which rod?

- Well they...

- Besides if I just washed the curtains

and I didn't wash the rods, then we would have

clean curtains and dirty rods.

And you know how you are about dirty rods.

- You put the whole thing in the dryer too?

- Certainly, otherwise we have dry curtains with wet rods.

And you know how you are with wet rods.

- Oh yes I'm a demon on wet rods.

- Where are the groceries?

- They're out in the car, I'll get oh wait hey.

My mother sent me a card for my birthday.

- What for?

- For my birthday.

- Oh, happy birthday darling.

- Thank you, but tomorrow is my birthday.

- That's Arnold's birthday!

- What has that got to do with...

- You and he should celebrate together.

- No thanks.

- What do you want to do for your birthday?

- Nothing.

- How would you like me to give you

a surprise birthday party?

- Lisa...

- No no, well I get you out of the house on some pretense

and then we go back in and we turn on the lights

and everybody jumps out of the closets

and they yell surprise surprise and your mouth

flies open and you start to cry.

- Lisa, you have given me surprise parties before.

Now the last one was a lulu.

Remember you got me out of our apartment in New York?

When we came back...

- Boy were you surprised.

- So were you, somebody had stolen all our furniture.

- Well didn't we have fun?

- I don't want to do anything on my birthday.

No parties, nothing, just let the day pass

quietly without any fuss.

Well, maybe after dinner we can pop open

a bottle of champagne.

- How about a birthday cake?

- Well a birthday cake's fine.

- How many girls do you want to come out of it?

- Lisa please, do me a favor, no fuss.

- Then I'll take back the birthday present I got for you.

- You don't have to take it back.

- You said no fuss.

- Well I didn't...

- Do you want your present now?

- No, tomorrow.

- Do you want to know what it is?

- I'll wait.

But I'll go out and get the groceries.

- Okay, while you're doing that

I'll go and feed your present.

- Mr. Haney!

Mr. Haney.

- Looking for me?

- Well what were you doing...

- I had to use your... - Oh oh yeah.

- My hands was dirty.

Now how much did you figure on spending?

- For what?

- Arnold's birthday present.

- Arnold's... - Tomorrow is his birthday.

- It also happens to be my birthday.

- You're funning me, imagine two such famous people

being born on the same day.

- Oh now he's not so...

- Well I suppose now that you want to see

something in the $50 bracket.

- $50 for a pig?

- Well that's for the complete birthday package.

Card, present, and cake.

- I don't want any...

- Now shall we start by selecting the birthday card?

Here's one that's very popular this season.

Happy birthday oh pig o' mine.

- Oh pig o' mine?

- Hope this finds you well and fine.

The joys you brought me all through life...

- Yeah yeah I'm familiar with the poem.

- Oh, that Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

wrote some great stuff.

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow?

- Well now that we have selected the birthday card,

shall we step back to the mobile gift department?

Every time Mo sees it, he gets his bile up.

- That's the worst thing I ever heard.

- Yeah but it got you to the back of the truck.

Now get a grip on yourself, Mr. Douglas.

Your eyes are about to be greeted

with an array of gifts that are worthy of...

- Just show me the junk and let me get out of here.

- Oh yeah.

There you are, any one of those would warm

the cockles of a little pig's heart.

- I'm not interested in warming his cockles.

- Now I wouldn't suggest the skis for Arnold

because you'll need four of them,

but he might enjoy this basketball.

- But I told you I...

- How about this mink lined electric snout warmer?

For the pig that has everything.

Now this can be plugged into a set of batteries

that Arnold can wear strapped

to the underside of his stomach.

If you're worried about it showing...

- I'm not.

- It can be covered with this matching mink car coat.

- Look Mr. Haney...

- Now while your present is being wrapped,

let's move on to Arnold's birthday cake.

Ha, that's the size I would suggest.

What message would you like printed on the cake?

- Will you get lost?

- Did you get that Sarah?

- Sarah?

- Ain't that beautiful?

That was Sarah Hotchkiss, the world's fastest cake printer.

- Where did she...

- That'll cost you $8.90, unless you've got

another message you'd like to add.

- Beat it!

- This is nice too. - Oh you dirty...

- There you are, anything else you'd like to say?

- Not for publication, now if you don't get your truck

and that little old cake printer out of here

I'll throw you off my property!

- Cancel that last message, Sarah.

It ain't a fit sentiment for a birthday cake.

- Oh look Eb...

- I'm wrapping a birthday present.

I understand it's your birthday tomorrow.

- You didn't have to get me anything.

- I didn't, this is for Arnold.

- Arnold?

- Yeah it's his birthday tomorrow too.

- I know, I know.

- What'd you get him?

- Nothing.

- He's not gonna like that.

- I really don't care.

- He probably won't get you anything for your birthday.

- Fine.

- Imagine you and Arnold being born on the same day.

Golly, maybe your mother and his mother

lay side by side in the same hospital!

- I doubt it.

- Yeah, his mother probably had a private room.

- Well my mother...

- Hey put your finger right here.

- Right there? - Yeah.

- Sure. - Okay?

You!

- You ruined the bow!

- I'm sorry!

- Well I guess it'd look all right without a bow.

Do you want a bow on your present?

- Thought you didn't get me a present.

- Oh I was only teasing, I'm gonna give it to you

at your surprise party.

- Oh I'm not having a surprise party.

- Well that's a surprise.

- I'm not having any party.

I'm just gonna have a nice, quiet birthday.

- Oh, are you gonna give me the day off?

- Why should I do that?

- Well you always give me Abraham Lincoln's birthday off

and he was a classmate of yours.

- Look Eb...

- As long as you're not having a party

do you want your birthday present now?

- No.

- You want to know what it is?

- No.

- In that case I'd better take it

for a walk before I wrap it.

- Take it for a walk?

- Well I fed your present.

- Lisa, what did you get me?

- Well it, I don't want to spoil the surprise.

- But... - You'll love it!

- I'm sure I will.

- If you'll excuse me, I'll go and spray it.

- Why do you have to spray it?

- Well that's what the book says.

- What kind of a... - Did you see?

- See what?

- Your present, it escaped.

Here Gwendolyn, here Gwendolyn!

- Gwendolyn?

Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Is that all?

- Well what else do you want?

- It's my birthday, aren't you going to wish me

a happy birthday and give me a kiss?

- You said you didn't want any fuss.

- A kiss and wishing me a happy birthday,

I don't call that a fuss.

- I guess a little kiss wouldn't hurt.

Happy birthday darling.

- Thank you.

- Do you want your present now?

- Oh I'd love it.

- Oliver, Oliver your present is gone!

- Gone? - Yes.

- What was it?

- Well it was a...

- Mrs. Douglas, guess what happened!

- What?

- My birthday present broke its chain

and got into a fight with your birthday present

and your birthday present ate my birthday present up

and then it flew away.

- It ate it up?

- Well here's the card that went with it, Dad.

- I am not your... Thank you.

- I'm sorry about your present, but if you capture

Mrs. Douglas's, you'll probably find mine inside.

- What kind of presents are they?

- Well mine was a...

- Come on Eb, let's go out and look for it.

- I'll be happy to help you.

- Oh thank you, but you wouldn't know what to look for.

- Well I...

Happy birthday oh boss o' mine.

Hope this finds you well and fine.

That Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was really prolific.

- Oh Oliver, sit down.

- Mhmm did you find the...

- No no no Eb is still looking for it.

- Well what is it?

- Close your eyes, I have a surprise for you.

Okay you can open it.

- What are those?

- Your birthday hot cakes.

- Oh Lisa, I thought on my birthday I could have a decent...

- Make a wish and blow out the candle.

Did you get your wish?

- No, they're still there.

- What does that mean?

- Oh nothing.

- Oh wait a moment, I have to birthday them up.

- What's that?

- Chocolate syrup.

- Chocolate?

- Go on, eat.

Isn't that good?

- Delicious.

- You're not supposed to eat the candle!

- Oh no it's the best part.

- Well Oliver really!

- I'll get it.

Ah Mr. Ziffel.

- Happy birthday Mr. Douglas.

- Thank you.

- Arnold says happy birthday too.

- Oh well thank you, come in.

- Go on in, Arnold.

Mr. Douglas, Arnold brought you a birthday present.

- Well, thank you very much.

- You know today is Arnold's birthday too.

- Yes, happy birthday.

- Aren't you gonna give him a kiss?

- No.

- Arnold wants to know what you got him.

- I didn't get him anything.

- Well I told you he wouldn't.

- Oh hello there Mr. Ziffel.

Oh hello there Arnold!

Happy birthday.

What's that?

- Oh this is a present from Arnold.

- And you didn't get him anything.

Oh you must feel like a real cheapskate.

- I am not a... - Read the card!

- Happy birthday oh cheapskate o' mine.

Hope this finds you well and fine.

- Open the present.

What is that?

- It's an electric snout warmer.

- Oh it's just what you always wanted.

- I never.

- Well he got two of 'em, he thought you might want one.

He says that you can put the batteries

under your vest you know, so...

- I know how to wear it.

- And now the main reason I come over

was to invite you and Mrs. Douglas

over to Arnold's birthday party tonight.

It's gonna be an informal soiree, black tie as you know.

- Black tie for a...

- Thank you very much, we'll be there, what time?

- Eight o'clock.

Come on Arnold.

Arnold says you've got all day to buy him a present.

Yes goodbye!

- What dress should I wear?

- Lisa we're not going.

- Oh yes we are.

- Oh no we're not.

- We'll discuss it later.

- Lisa what are you dressed up for?

- Arnold's party, I laid out your tuxedo.

- I told you I'm not going.

- Oh but it will be fun.

- No no Lisa I know what you're up to

and you're not getting me out of this house.

- Oh but Oliver...

- If you want to go, you go.

- What will you do?

- I'll just sit in front of the fire and read.

- Oh won't you please come?

- No thanks.

- Well all right.

See you later.

- Surprise!

- Surprise.

- Where is everybody?

- There's nobody here but me.

- Well happy birthday.

- Mr. Kimball I'm not having a birthday party.

- Are you sure?

The instructions I got said to be here

promptly at nine o'clock.

Be there promptly at nine o'clock.

Oh I see my mistake.

I thought I was supposed to be here,

but I was supposed to be there.

- Right.

- You don't happen to know where there is?

- Well I imagine it's over at the Ziffel's.

- Why would they want to hold a surprise party

for you over there when you're here?

Well I better be going.

Want to come with me?

- No thanks.

Well, happy birthday!

- That Lisa.

I told her I didn't want a surprise party,

but well if she went to all that trouble.

- Well, here I am.

- Well what about it?

- Can't I come in so everybody can yell surprise?

- Nobody here to yell surprise but me and Doris is asleep.

- There's no surprise party for me?

- Nope.

We had one for Arnold, but it ended about three hours ago.

- My wife isn't home yet.

- Where'd she go?

- She was here.

- No she wasn't here.

- Are you sure?

- Positive.

- That's funny.

- Then why ain't you laughing?

- No I mean it's peculiar.

Oh, I see.

When I get home the surprise party will be there.

- Well have a nice time, goodnight.

- Here I am, hello.

Lisa, Lisa?

Wake up.

- What?

Where have you been?

- Never mind that, where have you been?

- You tell me where you've been

and I'll tell you where I've been.

- I was out looking for you.

- You had to put on your tuxedo for that?

- Well I decided to go over to the Ziffels

and I thought... - I didn't see you there.

- Yeah that's because you weren't there.

- Who said?

- Mr. Ziffel.

He said you never showed up.

- Oh, well goodnight.

- Wait just a second here.

Where were you?

- I was at the Ziffels party.

- Lisa!

- If you don't believe me, let's go over to the Ziffels

and I'll prove it to you.

- By the time you get dressed again...

- What?

Oh yeah, all right let's go to the Ziffels.

- Oliver, Oliver it's dark in there!

I don't think you ought to wake them up.

- I have a feeling nobody will mind.

Here I am again.

- I wish you'd sober up and let me get some sleep.

- I am sober.

- Oh hi Mrs. Douglas, we sure had a great time

at the party didn't we?

- Yes it was a real ding wing.

- Mr. Ziffel you told me my wife didn't come to your party.

- I said that?

- Yes!

- Now why would he say that when I was at the party?

- I don't know!

- Mr. Douglas, take my advice

and go home and sleep it off.

- Well, anybody else you want to wake up?

- No!

Let's go home.

Well Lisa you really fooled me.

- How's that?

- Well I thought you were having a surprise party

for me over at the Ziffels

I went over there, there's nobody there.

Then I thought when I came back here...

- Well Oliver you said you didn't want a surprise party

so I didn't give you one.

You're the master, and I'm the slave.

I am yours to command.

Anything you want.

- Yeah well...

- Why don't we go inside the house?

- Yeah.

Well here I am.

- Why do you keep saying that?

- So that when I turn on the light everybody can...

What, they did it again!

They stole our furniture!

You and your surprise party.

- Well it's all your fault.

If you had gone along with it

I could have given you the party right here,

instead of going through all that stuff

to take you to the Ziffels.

- Yeah yeah it was all my fault.

- And if you had taken the present yesterday

when I wanted to give it to you,

then my present wouldn't have eaten up Eb's present

and flown away.

- Well I don't know what it was,

but I'm glad it flew away.

- Well I'll have to give you something else.

What is it you would like to have

more than anything else in the world?

- A bed.

- Oh, do you want a king size bed?

- No twin beds, one in this room for you

and one in the other room for me so I can get some sleep.

- Oliver!

- What?

- How old were you on this birthday?

- Goodnight.

This has been a Filmways presentation darling.