Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oliver, - What, what what?

- You want to wake up and watch the names?

Oliver, you missed the executive producer.

- The exec...?

Lisa, please.

What?

- You blew the Written By's too.

- Oh, will you please let me sleep?

What now?

- I just wanted to tell you that

the names are all through and you can go back to sleep.

- Well, who's that?

- Maybe it's one of the names

complaining that you didn't watch.

- Oh, you.

- Oh, 'morning, Mister Douglas.

- Yes, good morning, Mister Drucker.

- I hope I didn't wake you up.

I got a special delivery letter.

- Thank you.

- It's for your wife.

- All right, I'll give it to her.

- Give me what?

- The special delivery letter Mister...

- Oh, hello, Mister Drucker.

- Morning, Missus Douglas.

Did I wake you up too?

- Oh no, no, I've been up for quite some time,

watching the names.

He slept right through them.

- Oh, well...

- Will you two excuse me, I'm going back to sleep.

- Is he always that grouchy in the morning?

- Sometimes he's worse.

- Well, doggone it, if I woke up

to a beautiful woman like you, I'd be singin' and dancin'.

- Well, when we were first married,

he was a singer and a dancer, but no more.

That's what marriage does to you.

- Well then I'm glad I never got married,

'cause I love to sing and dance in the mornin'.

Oh, I almost forgot, here's your letter.

- Oh, thank you.

Oliver!

Oliver, Oliver,

get up, get up.

- What, what, what?

Name time again?

- Guess who the letter is from.

Your draft board.

- It's from my Uncle Fedor.

- Gloriaski.

- He's coming to visit me.

- Fine. - Today.

- Great.

- We've got to pick him up at the airport in an hour.

- What?

- Get up, now get up.

- Oh Lisa look, why don't you go pick him up

and by the time you get back

I'll have the curlers out of my hair, my makeup on,

and if I get time, I'll bake him a cake.

- Oliver, get up.

Come on. - What you doin' no, no!

Who is this Uncle Fedor, you never mentioned him before?

- Well, he's not a real uncle.

He was my father's cousin, on the other side of my mother.

- On the other side of...

- He used to rent a room from us, upstairs in the palace.

- He rented a roo... - Yes.

When the king business was slow,

my father used to take in boarders.

- You father was never a king.

- Then how come he wore a crown?

- The only time he wore a crown

was when he ate that margarine.

- Uncle Fedor will tell you.

He knew us in the good old days in Hungary,

when my father sat on the throne with an iron hand.

- Yeah, those were the good old days.

Say, how long is Fedor planning to stay with us?

- I don't know.

He said it would depend on the circumstances.

His letter was very mysterious.

- In what way?

- He said, when we met him, we shouldn't talk to him,

unless he had a folded newspaper under his left arm.

- What kind of a nut is he?

- I don't know; I haven't seen him in a long time.

- Pardon me, can I ask you, I want to find out...

- Be right with you in a minute.

Trans Pixley Airlines, we're the seagulls.

No, this is Claxton.

I'm the new man on the counter.

Just got my wings today.

What?

Oh no madam, we're still flying.

It's just the pilots who are out on strike.

Any time.

Now, how may I be of service, sir?

- Has the plane come in from Chicago yet?

- This is my first day on the job.

I'll have to check with control tower.

- Yes, would you please.

- Claxton calling control tower.

- Control tower, go ahead.

- Trans Pixley Airlines desk,

fellow down here wants to know

about a plane coming in from Chicago.

- Well I,

just a second, I think I see a plane comin'.

Naw, it was just a fly on the window.

- Of all the... - Hold it, hold it.

There's something on the radar.

Nope, just a mosquito.

You know, we gotta get some screens up here.

Is there anything else?

- Negative, control tower.

- Control tower, over and out.

Roger.

Hey, will you!

- What did you find out?

- The need screens in the control tower.

- Doesn't he know when flight 22 is arriving?

- Control tower to Trans Pixley Airlines desk.

- Trans Pixley Airlines desk, go ahead, control tower.

- This is unbelievable.

- There's something landing now.

- You're sure it's not a fly?

- No, it has too many engines.

- Oh, you dirty... - Over and out.

- Oh, hey cut, - Whew!

- It's a plane!

- Well don't seem so surprised, this is an airport.

- Well, let's see if Uncle Fedor is on it.

- Well those are the last passengers,

you sure you didn't see him? - No.

- He must have missed the plane.

- Well, what should we do?

- Well let's go home.

I'm sure if he comes in, he'll get in touch with us later.

- That's very strange; Uncle Fedor was always so prompt.

- Well prompt... - In here.

- Uncle Fedor, oh!

- Hey, hey, hey, where do you think you're going?

- In there to, oh!

- Is the coast clear?

- Uh, what do you, uh,

- Yes, there is nobody here, just us.

Oh, Uncle Fedor!

- No names, please!

- Where's your luggage?

- Who is this? - My husband.

- How long have you known him?

- Since we were married.

- You didn't know him before that?

- Not too well.

- Do you have any identification?

- What do you... - Oh, he's all right.

- I guess I'll have to take your word for it.

Do you have a car?

- Yes, outside.

- Good, let's get going.

You, walk six paces behind us

and make believe you don't know us.

- Well, here we are, Uncle Fedor.

- Good, I don't think anybody followed us.

- Hey, why are you so...

- Are you sure you can trust him?

- Hey look, - Oh, come in, Uncle Fedor.

- After you.

- You go first.

We made it.

- Would you mind telling what you're...

- Shh!

- Uh, what are you uh, - Shh!

- What are you looking for?

- Bugs.

- We don't have any bugs, just flies.

- He means microphones.

- How did you know that?

- Well, I uh, read,

- What's in there?

- The kitchen.

- Would you like to have some coffee?

Come on in.

- Thank you.

- Go ahead.

- You go first.

- Won't you sit down, Uncle Fedor?

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- You make coffee just like your mother.

- No wonder your father had ulcers.

- What?

- Oh nothing, nothing.

What's that for?

- Can't be too careful.

- Look, what are you afraid of?

- Nothing.

- Come on now, you're afraid of something, what is it?

- Well, whatever it is, we'll help you.

- Well I have to trust somebody.

Would you mind locking that door?

- Now there's noth... - Oh well, I'll lock it.

- Oh, thank you.

Well it started in Hungary, after the war.

Professor Heinbecker came to see me and said

he's been working on this secret formula,

which he'd been keeping from the Nazis,

but now the communists wanted it.

And would I smuggle it out of the country for him.

Well, I thought he was kidding.

Until I noticed the knife sticking out of his back.

Then there was a pounding at the door, police whistles.

So I took the envelope,

I climbed out of the window, and jumped.

- You could have killed yourself.

- No, I lived in the basement.

- What?

- Well, I went over the back fence

and made my way to the border,

only I couldn't get across because

there was a lot of secret police

searching everybody's trunkie, and I didn't have one.

I went up to the mountains and hid.

But they found me,

so I skied down the Alps to Paris.

- Now, how can you ski down...

- How did you find me?

- Well, in Paris I ran into your mother,

and she hid me out in her chateau.

But then one morning I noticed the milkman taking pictures.

Right away I knew that the secret police had found me again.

So I brought the first submarine for America,

and here I am.

- The first submar...

- Well, you're safe here.

- I don't know.

The secret police never give up.

I think I was followed by a fellow with a scar on his face.

Nobody's gonna come...

- There they are, where can I hide?

- In the bedroom, under the bed.

- Be careful!

- I'm coming.

Ooh! What did you...

- Hey, where's the guy with the secret formula?

- How did you know about it?

- I was listenin' at the window.

- Well, what were you li...

- What an exciting story!

It's like living in the middle of Mission Impossible.

- Ab, don't tell anybody what you heard.

- Lisa, you don't really

believe that ridiculous story, do you?

- Don't you?

- Of course not.

Far as I'm concerned, he made the whole thing up

so he could stay with us for a while and freeload.

- Oh, Oliver!

- How long do you think he's gonna stay here?

- Until they kill him.

- Or longer, if he has to.

- Oh, I had enough of this nonsense.

Secret police, a guy with a scar on his face,

secret formulas,

- Don't forget about skiing down the Alps to Paris.

- You can't ski down the Alps to Paris.

Look, if you two want to believe him, fine.

But leave me out of it.

I'm going on into Drucker's.

Afternoon, Mr. Drucker.

- Oh hi, Mr. Douglas.

I hear you got a spy livin' at your house.

- What?

- The fellow with the secret formula.

- How did you?

- Skied all the way to Paris, huh?

- Look, Mr. Drucker, I don't know where you heard all this,

but it's a lot of hogwash.

He's just a Hungarian house guest.

- Oh? I wonder why this fellow was asking about him.

- What fellow?

- The fellow with a scar on his face.

- A scar?

What'd he want to know?

- If you had anybody stayin' with you.

- You didn't tell him, did you?

- Well I didn't really know at that time.

All I knew was that he skied down the Alps

and stayed at your mother-in-law's chateau

until the painter started taking pictures.

- It was the milkman.

- You sure?

- Yes.

- That's funny, I heard it was the painter.

But anyway, if this fellow with the scar shows up again,

I won't tell him anything.

- Good.

- You can count on me, mum's the word.

- Yeah, thank you.

- My lips are sealed.

- Fine.

- They can torture me, shoot me full of truth serum,

but I won't talk, they won't get anything outta me.

- Thank you, Mr. Drucker.

And Mr. Drucker said this man was asking questions

about your Uncle Fedor.

- Did he have a scar on his face?

- Yeah.

Now look, you don't have to hide under the bed.

- Stay there, Uncle Fedor.

- Don't worry, I will.

- And you didn't believe Uncle Fedor's story.

- No, I still don't.

Fascist!

- Look, if your story is true, let's call the CIA.

They'll catch the man with the scar.

- It wouldn't do any good.

There is always the Russian fellow with the ear off.

- Who's that?

Ivan Earoff.

Get back under the bed.

Lisa, I don't know what this is all about.

- Who is that?

- Oh, it's you. - Shh,

- What's the matter?

- I'm under cover.

- Mister Haney!

- No names, please.

- Look, I... - My card.

- The No Names Please Protection Agency.

- Now I suppose you want full protection

for that fellow that's under your bed.

- How did you know?

- Do you want 24 hour protection,

12 hour protection, or any portion thereof?

- I don't want any protection.

- You mean you're just gonna

leave Uncle Fedor to the mercy of scar face?

- Mister Haney... - Not to mention Earoff.

Now, he's the one you really gotta watch out for.

- How did you...

- Now, if you don't want personal protection,

perhaps you'd be interested

in my do-it-yourself protection kit.

This consists of a di-rect line to the FBI.

Hello, FB?

This is I.

Yeah, I'm here talkin' to him now.

As soon as he signs up, I'll let you know.

Over and out.

- Of all the ridiculous...

- Now, in addition to the direct line,

you'll get the services of Killer,

my army-trained commando dog.

Here, Killer!

Ain't he a clever dog?

Disguising himself as a chimp!

- That's not a d... - Speak!

Ain't that frightening?

- Mr. Haney, would you

take Bozo, or whatever he is and get him out of here?

- Killer, he ain't convinced,

so you might as well take off your baboon suit.

Mr Haney, will you please,

- Excuse me, his zipper's stuck.

- How did you?

No, no, don't tell me; I don't want to hear it.

- You stupid dog, I told you

nobody's gonna fall for your bum baboon imitation.

- I think you should have

hired Mr. Haney to protect Uncle Fedor.

- Oh some protection!

All he has is a dog that disguises himself as a baboon.

- How does he do that?

- He puts on a baboon suit.

- Mr. Haney does?

- No, the dog puts it on.

Oh, I'm fed up with this whole,

Fedor, come on out of there.

Uncle Fedor come, he's not here.

- He found a new hiding place.

- Where?

- In the closet.

- Come on out, Uncle Fedor.

What the?

- It's me, Fedor.

- Really?

- You see, Uncle Fedor, it worked, he didn't know you.

He figured if they're looking for a man,

they wouldn't know him.

- Oh no, no, he'd fool anybody.

- Who is there?

- I'll find out.

Who is there?

- Who's where?

- Who is at the front door?

- Oh, wait a minute, I'll see.

Oh, it's me, Hank Kimball.

- Oh, come on in, Mr. Kimball.

Oh Mr. Kimball is all right, come on.

I want you to meet him.

Come along, there you go, there you are.

- Oh, hello Mrs. Douglas.

- I am Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh, then who is this pretty little thing?

- This is my Aunt Fedor.

- Oh, well Aunt Fedor,

you're the spitting image of Mrs. Douglas.

Well, not the spitting image.

You need a shave.

- Will you take off that negligee?

No no, not you!

You.

- Gee, I didn't know it was gonna be that kind of a movie.

- Well, Aunt Fedor is really my Uncle Fedor.

- Oh, I heard about those operations.

- Uncle Fedor is in trouble.

The secret police are after him.

And they traced him here

and if they catch him, they'll kill him.

- Oh I wouldn't worry about that if I were you.

Yes, if I were you I would worry about that.

- You didn't happen to see a fellow with a scar on his face?

- No, the only fellow I met didn't have an ear.

He was asking a lot of questions.

- What kind of questions?

- He wanted to know if I'd seen

a fellow with a scar on his face.

- Well if you see him, don't tell him

anything about Uncle Fedor.

- Don't worry, I'll play dumb.

- There's a part that's right up your alley.

- Well, Uncle Fedor, I want you to know

that even if they do kill you,

you'll always be welcome here in Hooterville.

- What's the matter with him?

- They're not sure, but they're working on it.

- Mr. Douglas? - What's the matter?

- I just saw a fellow hidin' in the cornfield.

He has a scar on his face.

- If you need me, I'll be under the bed.

- Oliver, we better lock the doors

and pull down the shades and...

- Lisa, if there's somebody out there,

I better have a little talk with him.

- He's not there any more.

When he saw me, he took off over the fence like a shot.

He tore his suit.

- Yes, that's secret police cloth all right.

- It sure is.

- What secret police cloth?

- It's made out of used microfilm.

- That's right!

- You don't even know what microfilm is.

- Why are you hollering at her?

You don't even know what secret police cloth is.

- Oliver, we've got to protect Fedor.

Tonight, we're all going to have guard duty.

- Not me; I'm going to sleep.

- Don't worry, Uncle Fedor; I'll stand guard.

- Oliver, Oliver!

- Yeah, what's the matter?

- There is somebody outside the window.

- What?

- All's well on this side of the house.

- Fine.

That silly...

- Oliver, there is somebody at the front door.

- All's well at the front of the house too.

- Why are you?

- I got the house surrounded.

Care to meet me in the kitchen for my back-door-alls-well?

- Eb, if you disturb me once more...

- Who was it?

- Eb; go back to sleep.

Oh, that silly kid!

- I am looking for Fedor.

- Who are you?

- I'm with the...

- Don't move, I got you covered.

- Good work, Eb.

Now maybe we can find out what this is all about.

- Look you're making...

- Keep your hands up!

- What I want to know... - Oliver, who,

why has Eb got the broom in this fellow's back?

- Oh for the love of...

- Don't move, it's loaded.

- Now look.

- It's the fellow with the scar on his face

that's after Uncle Fedor.

- Where is he?

- We don't squeal to the secret police.

- I'm not the secret police.

- Then why are you wearing

the coat made out of the secret police cloth?

- I'm with the New York City District Attorney's Office.

I've got a bench warrant for the arrest of this Fedor.

- May I see that?

- I had some time tracking him down.

I lost him when he skied down the Alps to Paris.

Then I picked up his trail and found him

hiding in this old bat's chateau.

That old bat happens to be my mother.

- Oh, well she's a very nice old bat.

- Do you know what your Uncle Fedor is wanted for?

- What?

- Back alimony.

- And you said he wasn't a real Hungarian.

- Oh I never!

But can you imagine that guy

making up that phony story of foreign intrigue?

- Do you mind telling me where he is?

- Gladly; follow me.

- Oliver, don't fink on Fedor!

- Fedor, Fedor!

Oh he's gone.

He left a note.

By the time you read this, I'll be on my way

to an unnamed country to sell the secret formula.

The secret, he never gives up, does he?

Do not try to follow me.

This note will self-destruct in five seconds.

He's got the most vivid imagination that...

This has been a Filmways presentation, Dahling.