Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres if the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so and far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oh, hello, dear.

- Good morning, good morning.

- Where have you been?

- Well, I went into Pixley and picked up

the Sunday paper.

- Well, that was a waste of time.

- What do you mean?

- Well, aren't all the saloOns closed in Pixley

closed on Sunday?

- All I went for was the paper.

- Oh, well, that's what you used to say

when we lived in New York.

You used to go out for the Sunday paper

and you came back on Monday with a red nose

and a pocket full of olives.

- Lisa, where did you ever get the idea

that I was such a big drinker?

- Watching you belting down the martoonies.

- Well, I am not.

- Oh, can I have the funny papers please?

- There you are.

- Thank you.

And the society section.

- Okay.

- Morning, mama.

Morning, papa.

- Will you please keep your clammy lips off of me.

- Boy, he's in a horrible mood this morning.

The saloons must have been closed in Pixley.

Can I have the TV section?

And I'll take the financial page, too.

I want to see if my debentures are dry yet.

- What does that mean?

- That means he has red debentures.

- Hey, can I have the sports section, too?

- All right, now will you two settle down and read?

I'd like to have a quiet Sunday morning

by myself here if I may.

- Well, Happy Hooligan is funny today.

- Happy?

- The fellow with the tin can on his head.

- They haven't published Happy Hooligan in.

- Hey, guess what?

Red Grange scored three touchdowns yesterday.

- Red Grange?

He hasn't played in.

- Mutt and Jeff is funny, too.

- Say, what paper are you two reading?

- The same one you're reading.

- Well, I'll be.

- What's the matter?

- Admiral Bird reaches the south pole.

That's impossible.

Oh, oh, I see.

This is an anniversary issue.

Yeah, what they've done is print some

of the big stories of the past 50 years

along with some of the big stories of the present.

- Then I don't have to send a Bon Voyage basket.

- To whom?

- Mrs. Vanderbilt.

She's sailing on the Lucetania tomorrow.

- Send one anyway.

- How much do you want to spend?

- I don't, hey, hey here's an interesting comparison.

The Wright Brothers and the first space walk

on the moon.

- I didn't know the Wright Brothers walked on the moon.

- They didn't.

They were the first Americans to fly an airplane.

- Oh, yeah, it was called the Spirit of St. Louis.

- No, that was Lindbergh.

- And he walked on the moon?

- Don't you two know anything about history?

- I don't know why they printed anything

about the fellow walking on the moon.

That's not so great.

- Not so great?

It's the greatest scientific achievement in history.

- Dinky Watson did it before anybody else.

- Dinky Watson?

- You know my little friend.

The 11-year-old electronic genius.

A couple of months ago he built himself a rocket ship

and went to the moon.

- Well, I'm surprised they didn't have

something about it in the papers here.

- Well, it was a big secret.

Dinky said if his dad found out about it,

he wouldn't let him go.

- Oh, I can understand that.

- Did he take any pictures on the moon?

- No, ma'am, he broke his camera.

- He broke his camera.

- Well, all the other guys broke theirs.

Hey, he brought back some moon rocks.

Would you like to see them?

- Oh, I'd love to.

- Lisa, he doesn't have any.

I'll call him and tell him to bring one over.

Calling Dinky Watson, calling Dinky Watson.

- Would you mind telling me what you

think you're doing?

- Calling Dinky on his ring radio he built.

- Look Ebb.

- Excuse me.

Hello Dinky?

This is Ebb.

Would you bring one of your moon rocks over

to show the Douglas'?

Good, over and out.

- What the?

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Hi Ebb.

- Hi Dinky.

Boy what a keen go-cart.

- Yeah, I just finished building it.

- Does it run on batteries.

- No, solar energy.

- Solar energy.

- Yes, sir.

You see, the rays are picked up on this

and then they're converted into electricity

to power this washing machine motor.

I can do 30 when it's on spin dry.

- Wowee.

- Here's that moon rock you wanted to see Ebb.

- Oh, I see, this is what they look like?

- Yes, Sir.

- Picked it up on the moon, eh?

- Yes, sir.

- Flew to the moon in your own spaceship.

- You should have seen it.

- Oh, I'd love to.

You happen to have it around anywhere?

- No, sir.

On the way back it landed in Tipson's swamp

and it sank.

- What a shame.

- It sure was.

All the time and money he put into building it.

- I got the plans out of Popular Mechanics.

- Now why didn't the government think of that?

- I don't know.

They do things their way and I do things mine.

Would you like to buy my moon rock?

- Oh, it's for sale?

- Yes, sir.

I only want $14 for it.

- Oh, oh, now I see.

This whole story is just to raise $14, huh?

- He needs the $14 for materials for his

new infrared laser beam.

- What does that do?

- I can't tell until I get the $14 to build it.

- Well, Dink, I think you're gonna have

to get your financing somewhere else.

Thank you.

- Don't worry, Dinky.

I think I know somebody who would love

to buy your moon rock.

- You bought the rock from Dinky?

- Well, he's the only one I know who's selling moon rocks.

- But Lisa.

- It only cost $14.

- It's not worth 14 cents.

It's just a rock he picked up somewhere.

- On the moon.

- He was not, he's just a kid

with an overactive imagination.

- I believe him.

- Lisa, if you want to believe

that Dinky picked that rock up on the moon,

you go right ahead.

Lisa, will you turn off the light.

- But I want to look at my rock.

- That's all you been doing all day,

staring at the stupid thing.

- Well, it's fascinating.

Just think that this came from out of this world.

- Yeah, I can see where you would

have quite an infinity for a thing like that.

- What does that mean?

- Oh, nothing, please turn out the light.

- Okay.

- What are you doing?

- Well, they say that if you sleep

with a moon rock under your pillow,

you'll have 15 years of good luck.

- Who says?

- I can't remember his name.

- Could it have been Flash Gordon?

- That's the one.

- The light.

- Goodnight, dear.

- Oliver.

You're beeping.

- I'm what?

- You made a sound like beep, beep, beep, beep.

- Would you please go to sleep.

- Yes, dear.

Oliver, you're beeping again.

- That's not me.

What is that?

- Oliver.

It's coming from this.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

It couldn't.

- And you didn't believe it was a moon rock.

- Oh, it's not a.

- Well, did you ever hear of

an earth rock beeping like this?

- Dinky's probably got some kind of an electronic

gadget in here.

Oh, I think I know.

You remember that ring that Ebb had?

Hello, Dinky, this his Mr. Douglas.

It's a very funny joke, but would you mind

shutting off the beep so we can get some sleep?

Thank you.

Good night.

Good night.

- All right Dinky, how do you do it?

- Do what?

- Make the rock beep.

- I didn't make the rock beep.

- It was probably calling to its mother on the moon.

- Will you stay out of this.

- All right, now come on.

A joke's a joke.

What did you put in here?

One of those little radio receivers?

- No, sir, I didn't put anything in it.

That's just the way I picked it up on the moon.

- Now, Dinky, I'm not gonna ask you to give

back my wife's $14.

I just want you to tell me what you have in here

that makes it beep.

- Nothing.

- Well, there's one way to find out about it.

- Whoa, they sure make those moon rocks to last.

- Try this.

- You didn't even make a dent in it.

Now do you believe him?

- No, I don't.

- Well, Mr. Douglas, how are you?

- Fine, fine doctor.

- And how's the beautiful wife of yours?

- She's fine, too.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

Business hasn't been too good lately.

I heard that on one of those TV medical shows.

This patient came in with severe intravenous conjalitis.

- What is that?

- I don't know, they make up their own diseases.

Well, what can I do for you?

- Well, doctor, I want you to take a look at this for me.

- Well, that's a pretty nice gallstone.

Did you take it out yourself?

- No, no, it's not a gallstone.

I want you to x-ray it for me.

- Is it sick?

- No.

You see there's something peculiar about it.

It beeps at night.

- There's been a lot of that going around.

- Look, I'm serious.

I heard it beep.

- Why don't you stand behind the machine,

put the rock on your head

and we'll kill two birds with one stone?

- Doctor, I know it sounds a little nutty,

but it does beep.

You see, it's supposed to be a rock that came from the moon.

- Let me take your temperature.

- Doc, now please, just x-ray the rock for me.

You know, I'm sure there's some sort of a mechanism

in there that makes it beep.

- Okay, if it'll make you feel better.

- Well?

- Nothing in it.

It's all rock.

- Are you sure?

- Positive.

- Well, that's impossible, I heard it beep.

- I tell you what.

The beeping will stop in a couple of days

if you just take two of these every hour.

- There was nothing in it?

- Nope.

- Now maybe you believe it's what Dinky said it was.

- I'll never believe that.

It's gotta be some kind of a trick.

- All right, how does it work?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- Howdy!

- Hello there, Mr. Haney.

- Hello, Mrs. Douglas.

Gosh all hemlock, you look as pretty

as a rabbit with silver lined ears.

- Why, thank you Mr. Haney.

- Never mind the flattering, Mr. Haney.

We're not gonna buy anything.

- Mr. Douglas, how can you stand there

with your gallstone in your hand

and say a thing like that?

- That's not a gallstone, that's a moon rock.

- May I see it please?

- Mr. Haney.

- I'm afraid this is just a cheap imitation.

- Imitation?

- Yeah, see it says right there, made in Japan.

- Made in, I don't see it.

- I hope you didn't pay too much for that.

- $14.

- What a shame.

When for just a few dollars more

you could have bought yourself a genuine moon rock.

- Oh, and I suppose you have it?

- Well, I just might.

Let's take a look.

Well, you are in luck.

I happen to have a very fine selection today.

- You mean, these are all moon rocks?

- Well, now, I'd be fibbing if I'd said they was.

Them two big ones are Mars rocks.

- Mars rocks?

- Hurled at me by an unfriendly flying saucer.

- Oh, boy.

- They don't look like the ones we have.

- That's 'cause most of these come

from the dark side of the moon.

- Oh, how were they found?

- With a flashlight.

- Oh, you.

- Oliver, maybe we ought to buy one

in case the one we have isn't real.

- Oh, buy one.

You can pick them up anywhere, here.

- Oh, may I see that?

Just as I thought.

Made in East Germany.

- Mr. Haney, I'm losing my.

- Now since you folks seem to have a hobby

of collecting space stones,

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll let you have all of these,

including the two Mars rocks for $87

and I'll throw in this pile of moon dirt

that was dug up from a crater in the Sea of Tranquility.

- I wouldn't give you $5.

- Do I hear seven?

- Seven.

- Sold.

- Mr. Haney, we don't want any

of your grubby granite.

Now just take it and get out of here.

- Very well, may I have my dollar please?

- For what?

- Well, the admission to the moon exhibit

is 50 cents a piece.

- Beat it!

Lisa, did you?

- Oliver, Mr. Haney wasn't telling the truth.

- Hmm?

- It doesn't say made in Japan on this rock.

- Of course it doesn't.

- Then it must be the real thing.

- Lisa, I have had that silly rock up to here.

I haven't been able to do any work all day.

Now what?

- Hello there Arnold.

- Well, that's all I need, the Tiny Tim of the hog set.

- He came over here to take a look at the moon rock.

- Maybe you can sell it to him

and get your $14 back.

- Don't pay any attention to him.

He's a sorehead.

That's right, take a good look at it Arnold.

Do that again.

- Oliver!

- What's the matter?

- Arnold is talking to the rock.

- Oh, isn't that sweet.

- And the rock is answering him.

- Lisa, I think you flipped you.

- No, I've flipped mine.

- Now, how do you explain that?

- I'm not even gonna try.

I left the city so I could get away

from the insanity of living there.

I bought a farm so I could have peace and quiet.

What do I end up with?

A pig talking to a rock.

Will you two stop that?

I mean I'm getting out of here

before I become a gibbering idiot.

- Oh, would you mind closing the door so I can knock?

- Why don't you just come in?

- Then how would you know who it is.

- Somebody'll tell me.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello there Mrs. Douglas.

What are you doing here?

- I live here.

- Oh, that's where I am.

- Mr. Kimball, would you like?

- I'm not interrupting anything am I?

- Oh, no.

Arnold was just talking to my moon rock.

- Oh?

- Maybe you'd like to talk to it.

- Gee, I never talked to a moon rock before.

Hello there moon rock.

Not very friendly, is it?

- It is to Arnold.

- I have to be dreaming

or am I coming unhinged?

- That's strange it would just beep at Arnold.

- Yes, it is.

- When we first got it, it just beeped at night.

- Oh, well, my aunt had a rock that beeped at night.

No, that was my uncle that beeped.

No, he didn't beep, he burped.

Well, you see he ate this heavy food and it bleh.

- I know the feeling.

- What feeling?

- The one he gets when he?

- How did you manage to cop this Mr. Douglas.

- What do you mean cop it?

- Well, the space agency had a traveling exhibit

of moon rocks the astronauts brought back

on display at the State Capitol.

- Oh?

- If i remember correctly,

one of them looked exactly like this.

- I wonder.

- You wonder what?

- Well, it's just possible that Dinky took.

- Oliver, what a terrible thing

to accuse somebody of.

- Lisa, I have never believed that wild story

Dinky told us about how he got the rock.

I never believe it's a moon rock.

But if it is, then Mr. Kimball's idea makes sense.

- It does?

Say, I better ask for raise.

- Yeah, you ask for a.

- What are you going to do?

- I'm going to call the space agency

and ask them if one of their moon rocks is missing.

You dirty rock, you.

- No, ma'am, our astronauts did not see

your mother on the moon.

What?

Yes, I'll be sure to tell the next crew

that goes up there to look for her.

You're welcome and thank you for calling.

What is there about the moon that brings

out all the dingbats.

Hello, NASA public relations office, Wilson speaking.

- Hello, yes, my name is Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- Yes, sir, how may we help you.

- Well, I'd like to ask you a question.

- Yes, sir.

- Do you have all of your moon rocks?

- Yes, sir, do you have all of yours?

- I beg your pardon.

- No offense, just why did you want to know.

- Well, it's possible that I may have a moon rock.

- Oh, and just how did you acquire it?

- Well, there's this boy in town who claims

he built a rocket and went to the moon

and he brought back this rock,

which he sold to my wife for $14.

- Well, I think she got a good buy.

We figure that our rocks cost us about 48 million

dollars a piece.

- Well, I don't want you to thin I believe this

silly story, but there is something strange

about this rock.

- What's that?

- It beeps at night.

- Oh, it's a night beeper.

It doesn't beep during the day.

- Well, yes, it did beep at Arnold a little while ago.

- Arnold?

Is that your wife?

- No, no, Arnold's a pig.

He oinked at the rock and the rock beeped back.

- The pig oinked at the rock

and the rock beeped back.

Would you care to take this call?

- Look, can I ask you something?

What would make rock beep?

- Well, I would say about three martinis.

- Look, I don't want any sarcasm now.

This rock does beep.

- Or maybe somebody put something in it.

- No, no, I took it to the doctor and had it x-rayed.

- What kind of a doctor?

- A general practitioner.

- That's where you made your mistake.

You should have taken it to a rock doctor.

- Look I called you in good faith.

Now can you help me or not?

- I think we can.

Why don't you call 555-2368?

- Now what is that?

- Alcoholics Anonymous.

Goodbye.

- Hello!

Hello!

Miserable.

- Oliver, you better come down and see what's happening.

The rock is oinking at Arnold and Arnold

is beeping at the rock.

- Great.

- Well, aren't you coming down?

- Never, never, never.

That does it.

- What are you going to do?

- Get rid of this.

- Oh, but Oliver.

- Either this rock goes or I go.

- But where would you go at this time of the night?

- Have we got a cardboard box big enough to hold this?

- What are you going to do with it?

- I'm going to mail it to Houston

and let NASA worry about it.

- Very interesting.

Where did this come from?

- Some fellow in Hooterville sent it.

He called a couple of days ago

and said he had a moon rock.

- He's right, it is a moon rock.

- But Dr. Stoddard, it can't be.

This joke said it beeped.

- He said what?

- That the rock beeped.

He was obviously stoned.

No pun intended, sir.

- Wilson, you have security clearance, don't you?

- The very highest, sir.

- Come here.

You know what those are?

- Well, those are some of the rocks

that our astronauts collected on their mission.

- Right, simulated moonlight.

- But Dr. Stoddard, I didn't know that the rocks.

- Nobody knows except you and me and the President

and he doesn't feel the public is ready for it.

This has been a Filmways Presentation darling.