Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

Lulu!

Where is Lulu?

Lulu!

- Lisa.

- Well, hello there.

You're not Lulu.

- Who's Lulu?

- The new chicken.

- The new.

Lisa.

- Oh, there you are, Lulu.

- What?

- Would you care to join us?

Coming, Lisa.

Hello there.

- That's a parrot.

- Don't tell her.

She thinks she's a talking chicken.

- Well that's the most.

- Every day she comes over here

and she lays an egg with the other girls.

- How could she lay an egg?

- It ain't easy.

- She's a friend of Alice's.

She flew in all the way from South America

and Alice invited her to stay.

- South America?

Si, senor.

- Of all the.

- She speaks French too.

- French?

- Oui, monsieur.

- She talks seven languages.

- Fine.

- Alright, girls, you can go back to play now.

- Yeah, good bye.

- Did you want to talk to me about something?

- Yeah, how'd you like to go on a picnic on Sunday?

- Is that what you wanted to ask me?

- Uh-huh.

- See you around the barnyard, Charlie.

- Now, wait a second.

I thought you might enjoy it.

We'll find a little spot under a tree, alongside a stream,

take a little lunch, just the two of us.

- Just the two of us?

- Yeah.

- Can we get a little smooching?

- Yeah.

- You're a dirty old man.

Lisa.

- What is your preposition now?

- Proposition.

- You are a dirty old man.

- Would you like to go on a picnic with a dirty old man?

- Who? - Me.

- I'd love to.

- What was all that about...

- What do we need to take to a picnic?

- Don't move.

- Hello there, Mr. Haney.

- You moved.

- Look... - May I take your picnic order?

- Mr. Haney,

we just decided to have a picnic.

How did you find out about it?

- Lulu called me.

- Lulu?

- Si, senor.

- I told you she could use the telephone.

- Now, I suppose you want the A picnic.

- What is that?

- $45.

- $45?

- What do we get for that?

- Follow me.

First of all you get this deluxe,

folding table and chair set.

- How do you get it apart?

- Well, I'm not permitted to divulge that

until I get the $45.

- I am not paying...

- Now in addition to the aforementioned

table and chair set the A selection also includes

this genuine mohair blanket.

Just feel how soft Mo's hair is.

- You should be ashamed of yourself.

- Why?

Mo does have soft hair.

- Lisa.

- Now once you have spread your blanket,

set up your table and chairs,

you're ready for your lunch.

This consists of a bag of fried chicken parts

with each part plainly identified by a small tag.

- That's handy.

- That's ridiculous.

- In addition to the assorted chicken parts,

you get one dozen hard boiled eggs.

- Oh, they're all different colors.

- Well that so if you have any leftover

you can use 'em at Easter.

- That's clever.

- That's stupid.

- Now the picnic basket also contains

this plastic chocolate layer cake.

- What's that for?

- I'm glad you asked that.

- You would have told her anyway.

- This is my patented ant attractor.

You just place it on the ground,

at least five feet away from where you're eating,

and the ants are attracted by the lifelike look of the cake.

And while you eat in peace

they're breaking their little teeth from the plastic.

- Now that is really silly.

- Poor little nipper,

he'll have to gum his way back to the anthill.

- Oh brother.

- Now for the liquid refreshments.

I have several bottles of champagne, vintage 1982,

which they tell me is gonna be a very fine year.

- Why don't you come back in 1982

and we'll see if you were right?

Come on, Lisa.

What are you doing?

- Making out the list for the picnic.

- It's gonna be fun, just the two of us.

This'll be the first outing we've had since we've been here.

- Which China do you want to take?

- You don't take China, you take paper plates.

- Oh, it's gonna be one of those cheesy picnics.

- No, you always use paper plates.

Is this all we have?

- Mm-hmm.

- We had a whole package of them last week.

What happened to them?

- Remember the tortillas we had the other night?

- Yeah.

- And you said they were so good.

- You mean?

- Si, senor.

- Mr. Douglas I... Oh boy!

Are we gonna have tortillas again tonight?

- No, we're not.

- We're going to use those for the picnic on Sunday.

- Golly, a picnic.

Where are we going?

- Eb, I don't believe anybody invited you.

- I don't need an invitation, I'm one of the family.

- Yes you do, and no you're not.

- That ain't fair.

- That's right.

It isn't fair.

- Lisa, the idea was to spend the day by ourselves.

I don't see anything wrong

if he comes along with us.

- I won't get in your way.

I'll just eat my potato salad, drink my champagne,

and listen to the ants breaking their teeth

on the plastic chocolate cake.

- Oh, Oliver, why don't we take him with us?

- Please, daddy dear?

Please, please, please?

- Alright you can come along!

But after lunch I want you to take a walk

or go fishing or someplace, just leave us alone.

- I will.

And thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm a lucky kid to have such a fine father.

- Why did you have to ask him?

- Well, Oliver, it will be a lot more fun

to go on a picnic in a family way.

- Mayonnaise, potatoes for your salad,

pickles, sandwich bread, cheese.

Did I forget anything?

- Where are the paper plates?

- Oh, I'm all out of those.

But a lot of folks use tortillas for paper plates.

- Tortillas?

- How many of 'em would you want?

- That will be enough.

There are only three of us going.

- Oh, just three of you, huh?

- That's right.

- Small picnics are the best.

Just three of you, huh?

- Yeah, that's... - I love picnics.

I haven't been on a picnic since...

Just three of you, huh?

- Mr. Drucker, we'd like to invite you but...

- No, no, no, I wasn't hinting.

No, if you're gonna have a picnic three is a good number.

- Yeah, well...

- 'Course four is a better number,

that way you can pair it up.

Two and two.

- I don't think you'd enjoy pairing up with Eb.

- Why not?

- Mr. Drucker, would you like to come along with us?

- I'd love to.

When are you going?

- This Sunday.

- Sunday?

Doggone it, I've been invited to the Wheeler's for supper.

- That's a shame.

- 'Course I might be able to...

- No, no, no.

We wouldn't want you to do that to the Wheelers.

- I guess not.

Well, I'll just put this stuff in a sack for you.

By the way, what are you doing about ants at the picnic?

- I didn't think we had to do anything.

I thought there would be enough of them there.

- No, I mean what are you gonna do to get rid of the ants?

- Well, Mr. Haney had a plastic chocolate cake made...

- Oh that Haney and his phony gimmicks.

Now I have a sponge rubber cherry pie.

If the smell don't get 'em, the sound does.

That's their mating call.

- Just put all that stuff in a sack and that'll be fine.

- Yes, sir.

- Do you want me to help you with the groceries?

- No, no, I'll get them.

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

- Hi, Mr. Kimble.

- Need a hand?

- Yes, thank you.

Here you are.

- Oh you.

- Dropped off a scarecrow over at Ben Miller's.

Boy, I never thought I'd find a use for it.

- Would you mind taking one of these?

- Oh, not at all.

Gee, thanks, now I won't have to go shopping this week.

- No, I didn't mean...

Look, all I wanted you to do is give me a hand.

- Here you are.

- I don't want that!

Give me the groceries.

- Sponge rubber cherry pie.

My mother bakes these all the time.

She doesn't bake 'em she vulcanizes them.

Yeah, they're great if you got soft teeth.

- Will you please...

- You know these make great ant decoys too.

- Ant decoys?

- Yeah, you put 'em on the ground

and the ants bite into them and the rubber springs up

and dislocates their jaws.

- I'll remember that.

- Remember what?

- About the...

- Say, these pies are great if you're going on a picnic.

- We are.

- Where ya going?

- We don't know yet.

- Say, if you want a good picnic spot I know just the place.

It has all these beautiful trees,

a stream running through it, a waterfall.

- That sounds perfect.

Where's that?

- Yellowstone National Park.

- Is there any place around here that you know of?

- How about Meddy's Moodows?

Oh no, that's Mooney's Meadows.

That's got a stream running through it too.

Well, not running, it's more like crawling.

It isn't crawling either.

It's dried up that's what it is.

- Thanks but...

- The only other place I know with water is...

No, that's the Atlantic ocean.

- We'll find a place.

- I'm sure you will.

Say, when is this picnic?

- On Sunday.

- You couldn't make it Saturday could you?

I got a date Sunday.

- That's a shame.

- Maybe I can get out of it.

- Well, don't bother, it's not a big picnic, Mr. Kimble.

Just three of us.

- I understand.

No, I don't understand.

- Don't worry about it.

Just you keep your date.

- Yes, sir.

Mr. Douglas? - Yeah?

- One question. - Uh-huh?

- You don't happen to know who I have a date with, do ya?

- Sophia Loren.

- Si, senor.

- Lisa, we ought to get started.

- Do you think I have enough sandwiches?

- How many did you make?

- I've got six ham and jelly,

six peanut butter and liverwurst.

Or was it liverwurst and the jelly?

No, the jelly's mixed up in the tuna fish,

so the liverwurst must have the egg salad on top of it.

- I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Need any help?

- No.

I think you do.

What are you made up for?

- I bought me a picnic suit.

The butterfly net came with it.

- I think you look very nice.

- Fine, fine.

Alright, let's get this stuff out...

- Did you make the liverwurst and jelly sandwiches for me?

- Six of them.

- On raisin bread with ketchup?

- Please, my stomach just quieted down.

Did you find a spot for us to have this picnic?

- Yes, sir.

The most romantic spot in the whole county.

It's right at the foot of Lover's Leap.

- Oh fine.

- We'll have it all to ourselves

unless some lover decides to leap on us.

- That's alright, we've got enough sandwiches.

- Let's get going.

- Oh, by the way, Mr. Douglas,

on the way can we stop at Linda's house?

- What for?

- To pick her up.

- What?

- I figured since you're taking a friend I oughta take one.

- Eb, I told you this is a family picnic.

- Well, Linda's in a family way.

- What?

- I might marry her someday and she'll be in a family.

- Oh.

- Oliver, you're schvitzing.

- Yeah, well.

- Why we'll be glad to pick her up.

- Yeah, yeah fine.

Look, this started to be a picnic just for the two of us

now we got him and his girlfriend.

- Four is a nice number.

We're going to have a wonderful time.

- Linda, I won't you to meet my folks, Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.

- We're not your... Hello, Linda.

- It's a pleasure to meet you.

- It's a pleasure.

Will you climb in, we'll get started.

- I'll be right with you, I have to get my accordion.

- Accordion?

- Yeah, she plays a mean squeeze box.

- Hiya, Eb.

- Oh, Mr. Wheeler, I want you to meet my folks,

Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.

- Will you stop... - How do you do?

- Where are we going on this picnic?

- We?

I don't mean to be impolite

but we originally planned this picnic

for my wife and myself

and then Eb invited himself along

and then he rang in your daughter...

- You don't think I'd let my daughter

go on a picnic somewhere with a strange boy?

- Oh, Eb's not a strange...

Well, yeah, yeah, I guess you could call him that.

- No, sir, Linda's not going anywhere with a chaperone.

When you got a daughter,

you gotta protect her every minute

when she goes out with a boy.

- You can trust Eb.

- No he can't.

- Eb, will you...

- I'll get my coat and I'll be right with you.

- Nice fella, ain't he?

- I'm sure he is.

- My father always went along when I went out with you.

- He was just freeloading.

- Mr. and Mrs. Douglas, this is my mother.

- How do you do, Mrs. Wheeler?

- How do you do?

It's very nice of you to invite all of us to go with you.

- I didn't... - Let me help you with those.

- Can't you fold that thing up?

- Yes, sir.

- All set.

Mr. Douglas, do you mind stopping by Drucker's store first?

- We've got enough food for everybody.

- No, we've gotta pick up Sam.

- Sam?

- We invited Sam to supper and we can't leave him.

- Oh, for the love of!

Alright, alright.

- Wait a second.

- What now?

- We have to wait for grandpa.

- Grandpa?

- Where do you want me to sit?

- Honk the horn for Sam.

- Mr. Wheeler, I know when to honk...

Don't do that!

- Don't holler at the nice, old man.

- Hi, folks.

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker.

- Mr. Douglas it sure was nice of you

to invite me to the picnic.

- You're welcome.

Are you ready?

- Just waiting for Clara.

- Who's Clara?

- The widow Burton.

I was gonna take her to the Wheeler's for supper with me

until you invited everybody on your picnic.

- I didn't invite everybody.

- This here's Clara.

- Hello, everybody.

Hello, Clara.

- Is that a tuba?

- No, that's a sousaphone.

- Wait until you hear Clara and Linda play a duet.

- Where do you want us to sit?

- We don't have room for everybody.

- You're right.

You better make two trips.

- I'm not gonna... - Could you get going?

This kid's got the boniest knees I ever sat on.

- Why don't you let Linda sit on my lap?

- Yeah, Pa, why don't ya?

- Stay where you are.

All you kids think about is television and sex.

- Look, Mr. Drucker, I don't know...

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

I'm glad I caught you.

You know, you were wrong?

I didn't have a date with Sophia Loren.

- I know you didn't.

- Well, I guess now I go on your picnic.

Where do you want me to sit?

- There's no room for you.

We don't even have room for Mr. Drucker

or Mrs. Sousaphone.

- Mr. Kimble, why don't you take Mr. Drucker

and Mrs. Burton in your car?

- Take 'em where?

- To the picnic.

- Gee, I'd like to, Sam,

but Mr. Douglas invited me to go on his picnic.

- It's the same one.

- Oh.

In that case, let's all go in my car.

Where are we going?

- The foot of Lover's Leap.

- Just follow us.

- There's no reason waiting for you,

it's gonna take you awhile to change that flat.

- Flat?

Alright, everybody out.

This is it, everybody out.

- Wait a minute.

Where's grandpa?

- Holy smoke, I know where he is.

Remember when we stopped for gas?

He went to the men's room.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, he borrowed a nickel from me

for the perfume machine in there.

- Oh for the love of!

- You'll just have to go back and get him.

- Hey, me and Linda'll go back for him.

- Oh no you won't.

Douglas'll get him.

First, let's unload the food.

I'm hungry.

There's no sense waiting until he gets back.

- I'm hungry too.

- Well I'll save you a sandwich, Oliver.

What do you want?

Peanut butter and liverwurst, or tuna fish and jelly?

- Tuna fish and jelly?

What kind of mess is that?

- It's the same kind of a mess my wife always makes.

If you don't want it, you don't have to eat it.

- See here, Douglas, I didn't want to come to this picnic

to begin with.

If you didn't have a sex crazy kid.

- Come on, boys, don't fight.

I want this to be a nice picnic.

- And it would have been

if there had just been the two of us.

- Okay, Mr. Douglas, you can go pick up grandpa.

- Here we are.

- Where have you been?

- We had to stop at the gas station.

- And look who we found perfuming himself in the men's room.

Oh, good, we got grandpa.

- Who is?

- He picked her up at the gas station.

- He picked her up?

- Why don't we all sit down and eat?

Come on, let's everybody sit down.

Let's go.

Oliver.

Oliver, come back.

Oliver, what's the matter?

- I wanted to be alone with you.

- Well, maybe later on we can sneak away for a ride.

- Yeah, maybe we can take a drive

up to the top of Lover's Leap.

- And what do we do when we get there?

- We can throw rocks down on them.

- Don't be such an old grouch.

Come on, let's eat.

- I'm hungry.

- So then he crossed the river without the dog!

- Where are the sandwiches?

- We ate 'em.

- Isn't there anything left?

- Just this sponge rubber cherry pie.

- The whole thing was a disaster.

An absolute disaster.

- Well I thought the music was good.

- Music?

A tuba and an accordion playing Ach du lieber Augustin?

I don't call that music.

- Everybody had a good time.

- I didn't.

I wanted to be alone with you.

- What do you call this?

- Well.

- Would you like to have some caviar?

- No thanks.

- How 'bout some more champagne?

- No thank you.

- I could make you a liverwurst and grape jelly sandwich.

- I don't think so.

- What would you like?

- Why don't you come over here and sit on my lap

and we'll discuss it?

This is what I had in mind, just the two of us.

- Mr. Douglas, I wanted to ask you if...

Oh boy, champagne and caviar!

Can I have some?

- Look, Eb...

- Help yourself, there's plenty.

- Is there enough for Linda?

- What?

- Linda!

- Hello, everybody.

- How 'bout some champagne and caviar?

- Oh, that'd be wonderful.

- Oh for the love of.

- So this is where you went.

I told you two to... Oh, thank you.

Champagne and caviar.

- Have some, Mr. Wheeler.

- Thank you very much.

Mildred!

Mr. Douglas is having a champagne and caviar spread.

- No, I am not having...

- I think it's so nice of you folks.

Grandpa!

- I think we oughta drink a toast to grandpa,

he and what's her name just got engaged.

- He just picked her up at the gas station today.

- Congratulations, you two.

- What happened?

- Grandpa just got engaged.

- How 'bout that?

- Where did you... - Sam!

- What's the matter?

- Grandpa just got engaged

and Mr. and Mrs. Douglas are throwing

a champagne party for 'em.

- Oh, isn't that nice?

- Come on, Lisa.

- But... - Come on.

- Help yourself, there are plenty of glasses in the kitchen.

- Lisa.

- Where are we going?

- To the car.

- What about them?

- With luck, they'll never find us.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.