Original subtitles

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- They throw eggs at our sign two or three times a week.

However, we here in the Internal Revenue Department

feel that we would rather have the average tax-paying

citizen take his hostility out on our sign, instead of us.

My name is Harold Gilmore.

I'm Chief of Division 12

of the 60th Internal Revenue District.

Must be getting close to April 15th.

That's when the rocks start flying.

These are just minor occurrances

compared to some of the problems we here

in the department encounter

in the daily discharge of our duty

And these are files of some of the more difficult

and bizarre cases that we've run into.

I'll just pick one at random here.

Let me see.

Oh yes, this is one that we refer to

as the great Hooterville refund fraud.

This one started one morning in a small general store

in the town of Hooterville,

when one of their leading citizens dropped by

to pick up his mail.

- Hi Mr. Colby.

- Howdy. - Mr Ziffel.

- Mr. Drucker.

- Good morning Mr. Douglas.

Oh I got a letter for you.

Looks important.

- Where's it from?

- Washington, DC.

- You've been writing nasty letters to Herbert Hoover again?

- Herbert Hoover?

- It's from the Treasury Department.

- They must've found out about your still.

- Look, instead of us all guessing what it is,

why don't we open it and see.

- I'll open that for you Mr. Douglas.

- I'll open it.

- Hey this is a check for $84 dollars and 72 cents.

- If you don't mind. - Let's see that.

- It's signed by the treasurer of the United States.

- Could I please?

- He's right Mr. Douglas.

- It's a refund on my income tax.

- What's that?

- It's a tax you pay on your income.

- When did that go into effect?

- You mean you never heard of the income tax?

- How could we when we never had no income?

- Well if you did have, and you overpaid

or you had business losses, depreciation,

you're entitled to ask for a refund.

- How often do you get them checks?

- Once a year, but - Don't get sore.

We all voted for Herbert Hoover just like you did.

- I'm glad to hear that, now if you'll excuse me.

- See, ain't that just like a city fella.

Finds out about a good thing,

and don't want to let nobody else in on it.

- Well now that we know about it,

we ought to write in for our refunds.

- It ain't that easy.

You gotta do a lot of figuring on what you made

during the year, and what you lost.

- I lost plenty.

- Me too.

- You can't just write in and

- Sam, Mr. Douglas is a lawyer, ain't he?

- Yeah, but he

- He got refunded, didn't he?

- Yeah, but he

- Then why don't you just butt out of things

you don't know nothing about?

- Do whatever you like.

- We intend to.

- What's new in Drucker's?

- Oh, look what I got in the mail.

Refund on my income tax.

- Oh, $84 dollars and 74 cents?

That's three dollars more than you made last year.

- I made over 800 last year.

And I paid too much income tax, this is a refund.

- Why didn't you let them keep the refund,

and send you the $800 dollars?

- No, they wouldn't.

- Well if you can cheat for $84 dollars,

you could cheat for 800.

- I did not cheat.

- Well then that's the first time.

- I have never cheated.

- What about the time the man came

because you deducted your mother's teeth as entertainment?

- I put her teeth on the wrong line.

- Boy were you mad at the Infernal Revenue,

when they said you couldn't deductatate that.

- I wasn't mad.

- You went all the way to Washington

to throw an egg at their sign.

- Lisa will you stop making up

- What are you going to do with the money?

- What money?

- Mr. Douglas got a refund on his income tax.

$84 dollars.

- Golly, that'd make a nice bonus for your hired hand.

- I'm not giving you a bonus.

- Very well then, I'll have to tell 'em

you deducticated your mother's teeth as entertainment again.

- Look uh

- Now while this homey little scene was taking place,

Mr. Ziffel and Mr. Colby had called together

some of the other farmers in the community,

and started to nibble away at our tax structure.

- How does that work again?

- Newt, how many times have I got to tell you,

according to Mr. Douglas,

if you lose money during the year,

you write to the government and ask them to refund you.

- Doggone, ain't that nice of 'em.

- What we gotta figure out,

is how much money we lost last year.

- Oh well I lost $600 dollars.

- You must've had a good year.

I lost 1200.

- Well I only lost 900 last year,

but the year before that, I really got hit,

close to $3,000 dollars.

- Too bad we didn't know about this before.

I've been on a 10 year losing streak.

- Now I've heard tell that Mr. Douglas

gets refunded every year.

So why can't each of us claim a 10 year lump loss?

- You think we'll get it?

- Well I don't see why not.

Of course the government does some stupid things,

but I think they're basically honest.

I can't think they'd want to cheat us.

- Okay, then let's get word

to the other farmers in the valley,

to write down what they lost for the last 10 years,

then write in for their refunds.

- Coming.

Hello there?

- Mr. Douglas?

Mrs. Douglas?

Oh hello Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh hello there Mr. Kimball.

- Is your husband home?

- No he isn't.

- Oh will you tell him I was here?

- I certainly will.

- Thank you, bye.

- Bye.

- Oh hello Mrs. Douglas.

- Mr. Kimball, I think there is something wrong.

- There is?

- Yes, I should be in there and you should be out here.

- Oh, well why don't we try it that way.

Hello Mrs. Douglas.

- Hello there Mr. Kimball.

- Is your husband home?

- No he isn't.

- Will you tell him I was here?

- I certainly will.

- Well thank you, bye.

- Bye.

- If you're looking for Mr. Douglas,

he's not home.

- Mr. Kimball, I'm Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, so you are.

I didn't recognize you without a dress on.

Or is that Mrs. Douglas?

- It depends on the time of day.

Where's the knob?

- Oh hello there.

Mr. Kimball left a message for you

that he was here.

- I found him.

- Well then you can tear up the message.

- Is he catching?

What's the message.

- Oh I want to talk to you about something confidential.

Are we alone?

- Yes.

- Who is she?

- That's my uh, look Mr Kimball,

what did you want to talk to me about?

- Well I hear you discovered some kind of a tax dodge

where you can get some money back from the government.

- Oh?

You mean about his mother's teeth?

- Will you forget about my mother's teeth.

- Well whoever's teeth they are,

how do I get a refund?

- Well there are several ways,

it depends on your income.

How much do you get paid a week?

- Gee I don't know, I get paid by the month.

- Ooh that's easy, then you just multiply

each check by 12 and divide by seven.

- Why do you divide by seven?

Nevermind, don't tell me.

You get a check every month.

Well how much is the check for?

- I don't know.

I always give it to my mother and she won't tell me.

- Oh you dirty

Look Mr. Kimball, I'm afraid I can't help you.

- Well that's a fine thing, you helped everybody else

in the valley.

- I didn't help anybody.

- You told 'em all how to write in for refunds.

- I never

- They're all putting in for claims

for the last 10 years.

- Mr. Kimball most of those people

never paid an income tax.

- What does that got to do with it?

- Everything.

If they didn't pay a tax, they won't get a refund.

- Normally Mr. Douglas would have been right,

but due to shall we say, an unusual circumstance,

the following scene took place two weeks later

in Mr. Drucker's General Store.

I got mine.

Mine came yesterday.

Mine too.

- You got what?

- Our refund checks.

- Your refund checks?

- Yep, we did what you told us

and wrote in for the money.

- Three cheers for our leader Mr. Douglas.

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

- I got a check for $62,000 dollars.

- 62 - I got one for 45,000.

- I got one for 38,000.

- All told I figure they got over $572,000 dollars back.

- I can't understand it, how could a thing like this happen?

- Those were the exact words used

by Senator Hanson at a closed-door investigation

of our department by the senator's subcommittee.

- I don't understand,

how could a thing like this happen?

- It was because of an oil can Senator.

- Oil can?

- Yes sir.

You see, our department spent over 30 million dollars

on computers to automatically handle the tax refunds.

But there was no appropriation for a can of oil.

So one of the bearings burnt out on the refund computer.

- Mr. Gilmore, it would seem that you fellas

could chip in and raise a dime for a can of oil.

- Well we didn't know whether it would be deductible.

- Of course.

Now this burned out bearing was the cause of the error?

- Indirectly, you see when the computer failed,

we had to switch over to man power to handle the refunds.

- Are you taking any steps to recover the money?

- Yes sir, I'm sending our ace field investigator

to Hooterville today.

A Mr. Fred Feldinger.

- Well Mr. Feldinger, you realize how important it is

that we get this money back?

- Yes sir.

- Now this is an election year.

And I want the recovery of that money to be handled

quietly and discreetly.

After all, we don't want the public

to lose confidence in us.

- The whole thing is fantastic.

Mr. Ziffel got a refund of $62,000 dollars.

Mr. Colby got one of $38,000 dollars,

Newt Kiley got one of $40,000 dollars,

all together it came to over a half a million dollars.

- And how much did you get?

- $84 dollars and some odd cents.

- And the whole thing was your idea?

- No.

- Well for a lawyer, you're not too bright.

- That has nothing to

- Well at least it will be nice

for the women getting all that money.

Now they can have maids and minks and diamonds

and all the other necessities of life.

- It would be nice if they were really entitled

to the money, but they're not.

- Well they got the checks.

- They won't be able to keep 'em.

Somebody from the government is bound

to show up around here.

- Morning sir.

Is your name Fred Ziffel?

- Yeah, who are you?

- My name is Feldinger, I'm with the Department

of Internal Revenue.

Did you receive a refund check from us?

- I sure did, I sure did,

and I want to thank you.

- Yeah, well I, Mr. Ziffel

- When you get back to Washington,

I want you to thank Herbert Hoover for me too.

- Yeah, now just a second Mr. Ziffel,

you see that check you received, it's not yours.

- No I know it ain't.

I cashed it at the bank yesterday.

- Oh my, you shouldn't have done that.

- Why?

- Because you're not entitled.

You see, according to our records,

you never paid any income tax.

- So?

- Well how do you expect to receive a refund

on a tax you've never paid?

- Mister, I don't think you understand how the system works.

- What?

- Refunding ain't based on tax paying.

Refunding is based on losses.

- Who told you that one?

- Mr. Douglas.

That's the way he's been doing it for the last 10 years.

- But that's not legal.

- Then what'd they send me the check for?

- Well because the Department of Internal Revenue

made a mistake.

- Well you take that up with them.

I'm satisfied with things the way they are.

- What do you mean, give the money back?

- Because you're not entitled to it.

- That ain't what Mr. Douglas said.

- Look, I don't care what this Mr. Douglas said, he's wrong.

- Did you ever get a refund?

- No.

- Then what do you know about it?

- According to Mr. Douglas, the money's coming to us.

- It is not.

- Well then take it up with Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Douglas?

- Yes.

- You're under arrest.

- For what?

- Conspiring to defraud the government.

- Conspiring to defraud?

- Oh they got you on that again?

- Oh, you've done this before huh?

- Would you mind telling me who you are.

- My name is Feldinger and I am a special agent

for the Department of Internal Revenue.

- Oh well uh, yes, I've been expecting you, come in.

I suppose you're here about those refund checks.

- That's right.

Didn't think you'd get away with it, did you?

- Yes, I mean no, look I didn't expect anything.

- How much did you get out of this whole

tax refund fraud?

- $84 dollars.

- Why did you climb in through the window?

- Well the knob is still missing.

- You only got $84 dollars out of over half a million?

You're not very bright are you?

- That's what I told him.

- Look, now may I explain this?

- Very well, but remember, anything you say

may be used in evidence against you.

- I know my constitutional rights.

- What are they?

- Lisa.

Mr. Feldinger, this whole thing was a misunderstanding.

I received my refund check,

and they asked me why I got it

and I tried to explain it to them,

and somehow they got the idea

that because they had some losses,

all they had to do was write to the government

and get their money back.

- Do you really expect me to believe that?

- My husband always tells the truth,

except that one time about the blonde.

Do you remember that?

- Lisa.

Look, Mr. Feldinger,

you've got to understand these people.

They take everything literally, but they're not dishonest.

In fact, you'll never find a more honest group of people.

They wouldn't cheat anybody.

- Mr. Douglas, look, all we want is our money back.

We won't ask any questions and we won't prosecute anybody.

- Then ask them for the money.

- I tried.

Maybe you could influence them, mmm?

- Why me?

- Because you are the ringleader.

- Oh I'm not.

Alright I'll talk to them and see if I can get them

to return it.

Hi Mr. Drucker.

- Hi Mr. Douglas.

- Is Mr. Ziffel or Mr. Colby,

or any of the other farmers around?

- Yes, they're in the store holding an investment

meeting with Haney.

- With Haney?

- Now gentlemen, this investment is divided

into units of $10,000 dollars each.

- I got a question.

- Uh gentlemen, may I uh

- Just a moment Mr. Douglas.

What's your question Newt?

- Well suppose we invest our the money in this

and we lose it?

Then what?

- Well you just write the government

and they refund it to you.

Ain't that right Mr. Douglas?

- No.

- Well in that case, put me down for two units.

- Put me down for three.

- I'll take three.

- You want to get in on this Mr. Douglas?

- In on what?

- The Hooterville monkey racing track.

- The Hooterville

- How does that grab you Mr. Douglas?

- What's a monkey racing track?

- Well you've seen them dog races,

where the dogs chase a stuffed rabbit?

Well this is the same thing, except we use monkeys

and they chase a wooden banana.

- That's ridiculous.

- Well it may be to you, but them monkey's take

that banana pretty serious.

- Gentlemen, may I say something?

- Not unless you want to buy some units.

This here's a stock holders meeting.

- I don't care what kind of a meeting it is.

You better listen to me now.

That money does not belong to you people.

You have to give it back.

Did you give yours back?

- No.

- Well why should we give ours back?

- How can I make you under

Look, the government made a mistake.

- Mr. Douglas, we ain't gonna listen

to none of that anti-American talk.

Our constitution is mistake-less.

- I give up.

Look, you do what you want,

the whole thing is between you

and our mistake-less government.

- Now where was we.

- You was talking about how you was gonna get

a wooden banana to run around a track.

- I tried, but it's too late.

They're going to invest the money

in Mr. Haney's monkey racing track.

- What is that?

- It's a track where the monkeys race around

chasing a wooden banana.

- You know about them?

- Oh yes, they had them all over Budapest.

It was the biggest sport in Hungary,

well not the biggest sport,

the biggest sport was,

the government put a stop to that too.

- Uh, what one was that?

- Goulash betting.

- Well that's what she said, goulash betting.

- The way it worked was, they had a big pot

of goulash right in the middle of the public square,

and everybody would stand around betting,

when it would boil over.

- Well Hungarians will bet on anything.

- Mr. Douglas, this monkey track,

was this your idea?

- My idea?

- Well I just thought anybody with the genius

to think up this income tax swindle

- Just a minute, I had nothing to do with it.

Come in.

- Excuse me, Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Ziffel.

- After you made your speech and left,

those fellas took a vote.

- Oh and you're going to give the money back?

- No, but they're gonna name the track after ya,

the Oliver Wendell Douglas Monkey Racing Track.

- Oh isn't that nice?

- Well we figured it's the least we could do

after all he's done for us.

- So you had nothing to do with it, huh?

- Oh yes, the whole thing was my idea,

the swindle, the monkey racing track,

the wooden banana, everything.

- Oh Oliver I'm so proud of you.

- Mr. Douglas I'm glad you were man enough to confess.

Now I'm afraid you'll have to come along with me.

- What are you going to do with him?

- Well we're going to have to prosecute him

and just about everybody in the valley.

- Well how will that look in the headlines?

Oliver Wendell Douglas in jail for government's boo boo.

- Uh headlines, yeah.

Look we don't want any publicity, you see,

we just want to get our money back quietly.

- Money back, oh well then, I have a solution for you.

- Feldinger returned from Hooterville,

and belted out his story.

After discussing the government's alternatives,

we decided to accept Mrs. Douglas' solution.

To get our money back, the Department of Internal Revenue

became a silent partner in the Oliver Wendell Douglas

Monkey Racing Track.

- Now for the feature race of the evening,

the Hooterville Preakness for two year olds.

The monkeys are in the starting gate,

all set, release the banana.

And here come the monkeys.

Tarzan's Pet takes the lead,

followed by Cheetah's Child, Coconut Lady, Tomboy.

- Come on, Coconut Lady.

- Will you shut that off?

- Well you didn't want to go to the track.

- No I didn't.

- Well how is the government going to get back their money?

- Frankly I don't care.

At the halfway pole, it's Tarzan's pet

by a tail.

Cocunut Lady, Cheetah's Child and Tomboy.

- Come on Coconut Lady!

- Lisa will you please

Coming into the stretch,

it's Coconut Lady, Cheetah's Child

and coming up on the inside is Tomboy.

And the winner is Tomboy.

- That's another one I lost.

- Don't tell me you've been betting on

- Well it's the only patriotic thing to do.

Now for the seventh race of the evening.

- I'm happy to report that your government

receives 50% of the track's take,

and we expect to have all our money back

after two or three more years of monkey racing.

Well that closes the file on the great

Hooterville tax refund fraud case.

And oh excuse me, it's time for the eighth race.

The monkey's are in the starting gate

for the eighth race, the Internal Revenue Trot.

Release the banana.

Here come the monkeys.