Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Members of the school board.

- Members of the school board.

- Tonight, we're going to install a new president.

- New president.

- Hank, do you have to repeat everything I say?

- Well, I'm the secretary.

I have to take the minutes of the meeting.

- Well, do it quietly.

- Do it quietly.

- To yourself.

- To yourself.

- Will you shush?

- How do you spell shush?

- Forget the minutes.

- Very well.

- Go on, Haney.

- Now, where was I?

- Do it quietly to yourself.

Why would I want to do it quietly to myself?

- Anyway, whatever I was gonna say,

I was gonna end up by introducing to you

the principal of the Hooterville Elementary School,

Mr. Harvey Jackson.

- Members of the school board.

- Haney already said that.

Members of the school board, yeah.

- Yes, yes.

- Why don't you try ladies and gentlemen?

Nobody's used that yet.

- Go on, Mr. Jackson.

- Well, I just wanted to say that I'm sure

you share my admiration for our departing president,

Mr. Sam Drucker.

The school owes Mr. Drucker many things.

Among which is this tape recorder that Willy's operating.

Indeed, we owe him for many long years of service,

during which this school has operated smoothly

and efficiently with not one bit of trouble.

And now, I know that we'd all like to hear a word

from our outgoing president, Mr. Sam Drucker.

- Thank you, Willy.

Members of the school board and Mr. Jackson.

I come here tonight with a heavy heart.

After 27 years of school boarding,

the thought of leaving brings tears to my ears.

But then I really have nothing to be sad about

because I have so many pleasant memories.

The laughter of the little children's voices...

Let's have some more booze.

- Willard, where did you get that?

- I recorded it at the last PTA meeting.

- What?

- Don't you remember?

We were rehearsing that play about the,

no it was the one about the,

no, it wasn't that one either.

- Forget it.

Well, I really don't have too much more to say

so I'll just turn over my gavel to your

new president, Mr. Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Jackson, Mr. Drucker and members of the

Hooterville School Board.

I'd like to tell you some of the ideas I have...

Under the circumstances, I declare this meeting adjourned.

- Would you like to have some cookies to dunk in the milk?

Mr. President?

- No thanks.

- I hear the fella in the Vikers is a dunker.

- Fine.

- What else would you like, Mr. President?

- Will you stop calling me that?

- Well, you're the president of the school broad.

- Board.

- Oh, I was a little worried when you were

late coming home from your meeting.

- I had to help them find the fuse box.

- What was wrong with the fuses?

- Oh, they had this tape recorder...

- Congratulations, Mr. President.

♪ Hail to the chief

♪ Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum

- Will you knock it off?

- Golly, if this ain't democracy at its best.

Our president, sitting in the kitchen,

in his shirt sleeves, dunking cookies.

- I'm not,

look, did you get out of bed just to bug me?

- No, sir.

- Would you like some milk?

- Did you hear that?

His chief executiveship invited me to break bread with him.

- Would you like some cookies?

- No thank you, your First Ladyship.

- Will you sit down?

- Yes.

- Oh Oliver, we are so proud of you.

- We certainly are.

Tell me, do you get much graft in this office?

- Oh yeah, millions of dollars.

- Ooh, I didn't know it was such a good job.

- Look, I'm just president of the school board.

It's almost an honorary job.

The school system in Hooterville practically runs itself.

In the 27 years Mr. Drucker's been president,

he didn't have one bit of trouble.

- But you're gonna change that.

- I'm not going to change anything.

As far as the Hooterville school system is concerned,

I'm going to do everything I can to see

that they get whatever they need.

But as far as trouble is concerned, I don't want any.

I don't need any and I don't anticipate any.

- All right, students, now before we start

our spelling lesson, I have an announcement to make.

I have a letter from the County Board of Education

regarding the student's art contest.

They're going to complete the judging sometime this week.

Now, wouldn't it be wonderful if one of the

students in our class should win?

All right, Arnold, be quiet.

- Ms. Maxwell, Ms. Maxwell.

I think Arnold wants to know if you sent his painting in.

- Yes, I did.

It was a waste of postage.

Well anyway, let's get on with our spelling lesson.

Today we're going to learn a new word.

Porcupine.

It has nothing to do with you, Arnold.

It isn't that kind of pork.

All right now, children, please be quiet.

I'm going to write the new word on the blackboard

and I want you all to copy it into your notebooks.

- Ms. Maxwell, Arnold forgot his notebook.

- All right, Arnold.

Just for that, you can stay after school

and write on the blackboard 100 times.

I will not forget my notebook.

Now, here is the word.

P,

O, R, C, U...

- Ms. Maxwell, Ms. Maxwell.

- What's the matter, Veronica?

- Arnold's eating my lunch.

- Arnold, you are a disruptive influence in this class.

And if I have anymore trouble with you,

you're going to the principal's office.

P, I...

All right, now who did that?

I might have known.

All right, Arnold, let's go to the principal's office.

- Oh, Mr. Ziffel, how are you?

- Disastrous.

- Huh?

- Can I come in or must I stand out here

and flap my gums at you?

- Oh come in, come in, yes.

Mr. Ziffel, here, sit down.

You look a little shaken.

- Yeah, I am.

- Yeah?

Would you like a little drink?

Scotch, bourbon?

- Oh, scotch and bourbon will be fine.

- I meant... - Hello there, Mr. Ziffel.

I thought it was you.

- Hello, Mrs. Douglas.

Excuse me for not getting up.

My legs are a little shaky.

- Oh, why that's all right.

Would you like to have a drink?

Brandy, vodka?

- Oh, brandy and vodka would be fine.

- What's wrong, Mr. Ziffel?

- It's terrible, Mr. Douglas, it's terrible.

- We don't have any brandy vodka.

All we have is gin and rye.

- Oh, gin and rye, that'll be fine.

You know what happened to Arnold?

He was expostulated from school.

- Expostulated?

I believe you mean expelled.

- Well, whatever I meant, they throwed him out.

- Arnold was expectulated?

That's terrible.

- Mr. Douglas, I want to hire your legal services

to get Arnold back in school.

- Why did they expoctulate Arnold?

- For pea shooting the teacher.

- Then they had a right to expoculate, to expellicate...

- Oh Mr. Douglas, they just used that as an excuse.

They've been trying to get rid of Arnold for a long time.

- Why?

- Prejudice, that's why.

Just because Arnold don't look like the rest

of the kids, they're out to get him.

- Oh, that's absolutely ridiculous.

- Oh, is it?

Then why are they always trying to bus him

over to sit in corners?

- Mr. Ziffel, Arnold is a pig.

- There goes some more of that prejudice.

- I'm not prejudiced.

- How would you like it if your son had four legs

and everybody made fun of him?

- Mr. Ziffel, to you, Arnold may be like a son.

But unfortunately, to the world, he's an animal.

- Are you gonna represent Arnold or ain't you?

- Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

I'm president of the school board now and I

can't be on both sides of an issue.

- I see.

You're anti-Arnold and pro-establishment.

- Mr. Ziffel.

Let me see if I can make some sense out of

this situation for you.

Now, they let Arnold go to school because

he's the class mascot.

Now, he's causing trouble.

They have a right to throw him out.

- Mr. Douglas, you are just like all those politicians.

The minute you get elected president,

you forget who your friends are.

- I haven't forgotten who my...

- Well then, why don't you do something for Arnold?

- All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll talk to the principal and see if

I can straighten it out.

I'm not disputing the teacher.

But it's a little hard to believe that the pig

could put a pea shooter in his mouth

and shoot a pea at her.

- But Mr. Douglas, Arnold is a very clever child.

Pig.

Would you believe that he did that painting?

Abraham Lincoln?

- No, no, the painting next to it.

- I don't believe it.

- Look at his signature, down on the lower corner.

- How could he...

- He calls it Nude at a Watering Trough.

- That's beside the point.

You know how Mr. Ziffel feels about Arnold.

He's very upset about this and I think

you can find a way to reinstate him.

- Is that an order from the president of the school board?

- No, no.

I'm just discussing it with you.

You're the principal, you have to make the decision.

- Then I'm sorry, I think it's best for the class

to leave things as they are.

- Very well, Mr. Jackson.

Thank you for your time.

I talked to Mr. Jackson but it's no use.

- Well, why didn't you lean on him a little?

Use the old muscle.

- I'm a member of the school board,

not a member of the mafia.

- Well, they'd give any other child a chance.

- Look, for the last time.

He's not a child, he's a pig.

And I don't want to hear anymore about it.

- But Arnold is very sensitive and talented.

Did you ever see that painting he did?

Nude in a Flowerpot?

- I believe the title of the painting was

Nude at a Watering Trough.

- No no, that was another nude.

All together, he's done six nudes at different places.

- Well then, he shouldn't be allowed in school

with all these nice little kids.

He's nothing but a dirty old pig.

- Oliver.

- I don't want to hear anymore about it.

This is the end of the whole matter.

♪ We want Arnold ♪ We want Arnold

What's that?

- It sounds like the We Want Arnold fun club.

♪ We want Arnold ♪ We want Arnold

♪ We want Arnold ♪ We want Arnold

♪ We want Arnold

- All right, all right, all right.

Quiet, quiet.

♪ We want Arnold Lisa, Lisa.

All right now, what are you kids doing here?

- As president of the school board,

we want you to get Arnold back in our class.

- Well, I just talked to your principal

and he doesn't want to reinstate Arnold.

- You should've leaned on him.

Use a little of the old muscle.

- That's what I said.

- Lisa, please.

I'd like to help you but your principal

makes the rules, you know.

And you have to abide by them.

Otherwise, authority breaks down.

We have chaos.

You know, like in some of those colleges

where the students sat down and refused to go to class?

Use coercion on the school authorities.

You understand?

- We sure do, and thank you.

♪ We want Arnold ♪ We want Arnold

♪ We want Arnold - Children, stop it.

Stop it now, quiet.

What do you children think you're doing?

- This is a sit out.

- Where did you get that silly idea?

- From Mr. Douglas.

- What?

- He told us to sit down and coercion you.

- Children, I want you to get on your feet immediately

and get back to the classroom.

- Hitler.

- Who said that?

Back to the classroom.

- Not without Arnold.

- Either you obey or suffer the consequences.

- Are you gonna call out the National Guard?

- Children, I am warning you for the last time.

Get back to your classroom.

♪ We want Arnold ♪ We want Arnold

♪ We want Arnold ♪ We want Arnold

Mr. Douglas, I am surprised at you.

Telling those little children to refuse

to go to the classroom and to try to coerce me

into changing my mind.

- No, I didn't advise them to do that.

I was really using some of those college riots

as an example.

- Well, they followed it.

- Good for them.

- Lisa.

- Well, you always said if there is something

worthwhile fighting for, you should fight for it.

- Yeah, well...

- Remember that time at Harvard?

When you led all the kids against the dean

because there weren't any paper towels in the washroom?

- Oh, there were paper towels.

We needed...

- Oh, you're an experienced troublemaker.

- I'm not experienced.

Look, Mr. Jackson, why don't you be magnanimous

about the whole thing?

Let Arnold go back to class.

- I cannot yield to mob violence.

- Mob violence?

They're a bunch of nice little kids.

- They were before you made a mob out of them.

- Oh, Mr. Jackson...

- Douglas, you started this trouble.

Now you end it.

- Well, what are you going to do now?

- I'm going to the town and talk to Mr. Drucker.

Maybe he'll have some idea for working this out.

- Well, why should he?

He doesn't care if the kids have paper towels.

- See you later.

- Mr. Douglas, I got to hand it to you.

I was president of the school board for 27 years.

- 27 years.

- And in all that time, I never had one bit of trouble.

- Bit of trouble.

- But you've only been in office for one day, and pow.

- Is that a capital pow or a little pow?

- Hank, what are you doing?

- I'm taking down the minutes.

- This isn't a meeting.

- Well, Sam mentioned the school board

and I'm the secretary. - Take the notes in your head.

- Won't that hurt?

- Mr. Drucker, I thought you might be able

to help me solve this.

Have you got any suggestions?

- I do.

Why don't you let the kids have the paper towels?

- They don't want paper towels.

They want Arnold.

- Well, they'll never be able to dry their hands on him.

- Oh, for the love of...

- Mr. Douglas, I'm sure this whole thing

will blow over in no time.

- Mr. Douglas, what are you doing here?

- Why shouldn't I be here?

- You should be over to school for the riot.

- What riot?

- Mr. Jackson just called the sheriff.

- All right now kids, come on.

We've all had our fun.

Let's go on back to class.

♪ We want Arnold ♪ We want Arnold

Hold it, hold it.

Hold it now.

Now, let's talk this out peaceably.

Now, who's your spokesman?

- He is.

- Oh, you're their leader.

- No.

- What's your name, boy?

- Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas, and I...

- Ain't a country name, son.

Where you from?

- Well, I moved out here from New York.

- Oh, one of them outside agitators.

- I'm not an agitator.

- Ain't you the one that led that paper towel

riot at Harvard?

- That was...

- What's our next move, Mr. Douglas?

- Your next move is back in the classroom.

Otherwise I'm gonna get the paddy wagon

and take you all to the pokey.

- Just a second.

Look, these are little kids, you can't...

- You interfering with the law, son?

- No, but... - You're on school property.

- I'm the president of the school board.

- Doggone.

You fellas infiltrate everywhere, don't you?

- Now, you listen to me, you knucklehead.

- That did it.

Now, you come along with me, boy.

- Just see here.

- Let him hit you, Mr. Douglas.

It'll make a great picture for the school paper.

- I don't want him to hit me.

Look kids, you told the sheriff that I'm your leader?

- Right.

- Then you'll do just as I say.

I want you all to go back into your classroom.

- And burn it?

- No, I just want you to go back into class

and continue studying and I'll have

one more shot at Mr. Jackson.

- Did you say shot, son?

- No.

Look, I'll just try talking to him once more.

- No.

- But Mr. Jackson...

- No, I've made my position clear.

Nothing's going to make me change my mind about that pig.

Hello?

Yes.

Yes.

We did?

Well, that's wonderful.

One of our students won the student's artist contest.

Which student was it?

What?

Guess who won.

Yes, that'll be just peachy dandy.

How do you like that?

2,000 entries and Arnold's Nude to the Filling Station

won first prize.

- It's a little hard to believe.

- The head of the County Board of Education

is coming to our school tomorrow to award

the prize to Arnold in person.

- But Arnold's no longer a student here.

- Oh, that's right.

Well, now maybe I've been too hard on the boy.

After all, boys will be boys.

Yeah, I'm sure that he's learned his lesson by now.

- Oh, I'm sure he has.

Well, if it isn't Porky Picasso, the painter

of a million nudes.

- Oh, Oliver.

Congratulation, Arnold.

Mr. Ziffel, you must be a very proud father.

Are you going to be in school tomorrow

when he gets his prize?

- Well, there's a little bit of a hangup about that.

- Oh, what kind of a hangup?

- Arnold ain't going back to school.

- Why not?

- Not unless he gets an apology from Mr. Jackson.

- An apology?

Why should Mr. Jackson apologize to him?

- For all the nasty things he accused him of.

- Oh, Mr. Ziffel, I don't think there's any way

you can get Mr. Jackson to apologize.

♪ Apologize, apologize

♪ Apologize to Arnold

- Well Douglas, you've done it again.

- Done what?

- Stirred up the children.

- I didn't.

- I suppose you wrote that chant for them.

- Mr. Jackson, I'm getting a little tired

of being accused of being a troublemaker.

All I'm here for is to tell you what Arnold told,

what Mr. Ziffel told me to tell you.

- Well, you can tell Mr. Ziffel and Arnold

that I refuse to apologize.

- Uh huh, well that's up to you.

When the head of the County Board of Education

gets here tomorrow, you can explain the whole thing to him.

- I will.

- You can have the ceremony on the front lawn.

Of course, Arnold won't be here.

But the kids will be chanting their little message

in the background while the head of the

Board of Education stands there, chopping off

the appropriation for your school.

- Appropriations?

- Yes, isn't he the man who doles out the money

for such things as erasers, chalk, and

principal's salaries?

- Principal's salary?

- Well look, Mr. Jackson, all you have to do

is make a simple apology.

Nobody has to be here except you and Arnold.

- Well, I don't feel like I should...

- Mr. Jackson.

Life is a compromise.

You have to give a little to get a little.

We all have to do things that are distasteful to us.

We all want to save face.

But the really big man is the man who can admit he's wrong.

- Oh, shut up.

- Lisa, do we have to have that thing in here?

- Oliver, that's Arnold's masterpiece.

The one he won the prize for.

And he gave it to you because you led the riot

and got him back into school.

- No, I didn't lead any...

- You know he has a lot of talent.

- Oh yeah.

A lot of talent.

Nude at a Filling Station.

That's nothing but a mess of colors.

- Well, you have to use your imagination.

- I'll be.

Yeah, now I can see it.

There's the station and there's the, Lisa.

Did you ever buy gas without your clothes on?

- Where?

- Right there.

Goodnight.

This has been a

Filmways Presentation, darling.