Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just gimme that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

- What is this?

- The new truck you ordered from Mr. Haney.

- This isn't the truck I bought!

- It's the one he gave me.

- That miserable Haney.

I shoulda known better than to

buy anything from...

- Good morning.

- Mr. Haney.

- I can see by the pleased expression on your face

how happy you are with your new truck.

- Mr. Haney this is not the truck that I bought from you.

- It isn't?

- No.

The truck you showed me

and the truck I bought was almost brand new.

- Oh well I couldn't give ya that truck.

See that was a floor sample.

- A floor? - Now shall we

get down to business?

You gave me $200 deposit.

So you still owe me a balance of $250.

- I'm not giving you any $250.

- Well then I'm afraid I'll be forced to take legal steps.

- Mr. Haney, if there are any legal steps to be taken,

I'm the one that's gonna take 'em,

because this time you made a big mistake.

- Impossible.

- You gave me a bill of sale

with the other truck's motor number on it.

So you're guilty of fraud and perhaps larceny.

You can go to jail for what you've done.

- To jail?

Well rather than have a dissatisfied customer,

I'll return your $100 deposit.

- $200.

- Are you sure?

- I have your receipt.

- Well in that case, well I'll give ya the money.

Here's your.

Doggone I must have a hole in the pocket of my other suit.

- Mr. Haney.

I want the money.

- I'll have it here by the first of the month.

- Now.

- Well it'll take a little longer than that.

- Alright, I'll give ya 'til six o'clock tonight.

- Aw but...

- It's either that or go to jail.

- Where am I gonna get that kinda money?

- That's your problem.

Come on Eb, let's get out in the corn.

- $200!

Well I can get the $10 back

that I let my brother-in-law have

for letting me use his truck as a floor sample.

But the other $190 might not be that easy.

- Why I ever buy anything from Haney is beyond.

What the?

What happened to my corn?

- I don't know.

I never saw it look so good.

- Musta been Colby's cow.

- You mean Irene?

- This is the 2nd time this week she's trampled my crops.

- At least somebody's getting some enjoyment out of 'em.

- I told Colby to fix that fence.

- It wouldn't do any good.

She's in love with your bull.

Barbed wire wouldn't keep her out.

- You know I don't have a bull.

- Then she must be in love with you.

She's not in love with.

- Uh oh.

Here's your sweetheart.

- Out!

- You two wanna be alone.

- Eb, will ya stop it.

Out, get out.

Out, go on.

- Irene, he's trying to tell ya that the romance is over.

So there you are, Irene.

- Look, Mr. Colby, look what your cow did to my corn.

- Not Irene.

Why I've taught Irene to tiptoe through a corn field.

- Look, can't you keep your cow on your side of the fence?

- Not unless you fix it.

- Why should I fix it?

- 'Cause it's your fence.

- The fence is on the property line,

it belongs to both of us.

- Looks like the break was on your side.

- The break is on both sides!

- Well if you fix your side,

I won't have to worry about mine.

- Alright, I'll fix it, but if that cow breaks through again

and does any damage to my crops I'll, I'll.

Well I wont' be responsible for my actions.

- You'd better listen to him Mr. Colby.

There's no telling what he'll do when he gets his riles up.

- Come on Irene.

- Alright Eb, now let's get some tools

and fix the fence.

- Oh hello there.

- And good morning.

My card.

- Thank you.

- Lady. - Oh, you want your card back.

- Madam please.

My name is Wheeler.

I'm with the advertising department

of the Salt Lake City salt lick company.

- Oh, I was once in Salt Lick City.

- No ma'am, that's Salt Lake City.

We manufacture a salt lick.

- Well we're not very big salt lickers here.

- Well maybe you could tell me something.

Do you own that property down there along the county road?

- No.

- Do you know who does?

- My husband.

He keeps everything in his name, except my name.

- All I really wanna know is,

would your husband allow us to put up a billboard

advertising our salt lick on that property along the road?

- I don't think so.

- We'd be willing to pay him.

- Well, that wouldn't make any difference.

He's a real hot head about billboards.

He always said that the countryside should remain unspoiled.

That if Mother Nature wanted billboards,

she would have gotten in touch with you.

- Well thanks anyway.

- You're welcome.

Did you want your card back?

- No, you can have it.

- Well that's good and solid.

The cow won't be able to get through there again.

- Huh, she won't have to.

She found another way in.

- Oh that miserable.

Get out, get out!

Go on, get out!

Look at these tomatoes.

- Yeah, they look better than they did last year.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Yeah, I noticed your corn field looked better too.

- Look, Mr. Kimball, we're a little busy.

- Hey, you better fix that hole in the fence

or that cow is liable to go over to Colby's place

and cause a lotta damage.

- That's Colby's!

- Well how'd she get in here?

- Through that hole in the fence!

- Boy you oughta fix that.

- Look, I... - I can't move her.

- That's no way to try to move a cow.

I took a course in college on cow moving.

There was one method that was advocated

by Professor Lucius Feltweiner.

- What was that?

- You get a shotgun and scare her off.

- If I had a shotgun I think I would.

- Would you like to borrow mine?

- No, I... - I took another course

in college that might work.

Animal psychology.

- Look, Mr. Kimball.

You're just wasting our... - What's her name?

- Irene.

- Irene huh?

My dear, I would like to talk to ya.

You understand?

- Holy hole in the fence.

Did you see that?

- What did you say to her?

- Well I told her you said

that if she didn't get out of here

you were gonna borrow my shotgun and blow her head off.

- Goodbye Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, well goodbye Mr. Douglas.

- How come you're so dirty?

- Huh? Oh! - We were fixing the fence

to keep Mr. Douglas' girlfriend out.

- Oh?

- Her name is Irene.

And she's in love with him.

- She's a cow.

- Well that's a nice way to talk about a girl

who's in love with you.

- He's an 18 karat cad.

- She's Mr. Colby's cow.

And she keeps breaking down the fence

and trampling my crops.

And if she does it once more, I'll...

- You'll what?

- He'll blow her head off.

- Eb will you?

- He's gonna borrow Mr. Kimball's shotgun.

- That's enough Eb.

- But.

- Just run along.

- Yes sir.

- Well you certainly are a hot head.

- I am not a hot head.

- Well then why did you want to borrow

Mr. Kimball's shot gun to shoost the cow?

- I didn't want to borrow it.

- Here's the shotgun you wanted to borrow Mr. Douglas.

- But. - Well!

If I ever saw anybody with a guilty look on their face.

And a shotgun in their hand, that is you.

- Look, I didn't...

- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.

Guess who broke down the fence

and is in your apple orchard eating all your apples?

- Oh that miserable.

Well I'll fix her.

- Oh Oliver, don't do it.

Don't do it!

- We'll put the billboard up right over there Phil.

- This side would be better Mr. Wheeler.

- No that property belongs to a hot head

who doesn't like billboards.

- Oh, well we don't wanna tango with another one of them.

Remember the farmer that took his shotgun to us?

- Vividly.

Come on, let's unload the truck.

- Irene I warned you.

Now get outta here.

Go on, out!

- Was that a shotgun?

- Yeah and it's coming from the direction

of the hot head's farm.

Will you get outta here?

- We're going, we're going.

Let's get moving.

- Irene, what would it take to make you go home?

I'm sorry, but I'm married.

- I think it's a good idea for you to talk to Mr. Colby.

With your husband running around with a loaded shotgun.

- Oh I don't think that Mr. Douglas would shoot anybody.

- Uh oh.

Holy smoke.

- What is it?

- Irene.

- Why is she sleeping this way?

- She ain't sleeping.

- You mean she.

- As a doornail.

Mr. Douglas finally did it.

- Oliver.

Oliver how could you?

- Stay here.

Holy toledo.

- Is the cow really...

- She died a grade A death.

I guess she went out the way she wanted to.

With her cream on top.

Boy if Mr. Colby finds out about this,

he's gonna come gunning for Mr. Douglas.

- What can we do?

- May I be of assistance?

- Mr. Douglas shot Irene in a fit of rage.

- Your husband is a cow killer?

- What can we do?

Mr. Colby might shoost my husband.

- Let me examine the corpus delicious.

It's a dud.

Maybe there's some way I can parlay this into $190.

- Well Mr. Haney?

- It's Irene alright and she's beyond morsel help.

- Oh the poor thing.

- But at a time like this, we must think of the living,

namely Mr. Douglas.

And how to protect him from Mr. Colby's wrath.

- Yeah.

- Now you two go home and act as if nothing had happened.

And I'll get rid of the rigor before mortise sets in.

- How much is that gonna cost Mr. Haney?

- Let's not discuss money at a time like this.

- Oh that's very kind of you.

- Oh I'll be around later for my $50.

- Why are you staring at me?

- It's the first time I've been this close to a killer.

It's a little frightening.

- What is he?

- Oh Oliver, oh Oliver.

Why did you do it?

Why, why, why, why?

- Have you been taking Joan Crawford lessons?

- Just like pretty boy Floyd.

He's gonna brazen it out.

- Eb, take this gun back to Mr. Kimball.

- Oh no.

You're not gonna get my fingerprints on it.

I ain't gonna take the rap for ya.

- What?

- You should be ashamed of yourself, trying to frame him.

- You two haven't been at the antifreeze again have you?

- Oliver, why did you do it?

Why, why, why?

- Will ya stop with the vi vi and tell me vat vat?

- You shot Irene that's vat vat.

- You're outta your mind.

- No Oliver, you're the one that's out of your mind.

That's how we're going to get you off.

You're going to plead temporary insanitation.

- Yeah there's always been

a streak of insanitation in my family.

- Oh but don't worry Oliver.

I will stick by you.

- Lisa, I appreciate your loyalty,

but I did not kill Mr. Colby's cow.

- You fired the shotgun, didn't you?

- In the air, straight up.

- That's the way we found her,

with her legs in the air, straight up.

- Lisa I did not...

- Anyway Oliver, you don't have to worry.

We got rid of her.

- Thank you, very much.

- Boy, there goes a real coup cow killer.

- Well I know that you and Irene were very good friends.

- Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh Mr. Haney.

- Is the killer around?

- No he's out in the apple orchard fixing a fence.

- Good.

You'll be happy to know I took care of that little matter.

I gave her a nice service, dignified but simple.

Now may I have my $75?

- I thought you said $50.

- Well I figured you'd want an organist.

- Well I don't have the money with me.

- A check will be fine.

- Well thank you.

- Oh, if you don't mind, just make it out to cash.

- Who's he?

- Uh, he's the organist.

Ogden Cash.

- There you are.

- 'Course we're not outta the woods yet.

- We're not?

- No ma'am.

Mr. Colby hasn't missed Irene yet.

And when he does, he'll know what's happened

and he'll come a gunning for your husband.

- What can we do?

What, what, what?

- That's one of the finest impressions I've ever seen

of Joan Crawford.

- Thank you.

- Now the only way to keep Colby from missing Irene

is to replace her with another cow.

You wouldn't happen to have a cow would you?

- Well just Eleanor.

But I can't give her up.

I couldn't do that to her.

- Well either you do it to Eleanor

or Mr. Colby'll do it to your husband.

- Oh I'm sorry Eleanor.

- Now if you will just make me out another check for $15.

- What is that for?

- Transporting Eleanor over to Colby's.

Now normally there'd be no charge,

but unfortunately I'm driving a unionized truck.

- Oh, well.

- But I don't need a cow.

- All I'm asking for is $100.

- And I wouldn't give you $35 for her.

- Sold, $35.

- What's the matter with her?

Dried up?

- Colby, I resent you casting nasturtiums on my honesty.

- Why are you so anxious to sell her?

- Well I'm having a gigantic cow clearance sale.

I'm getting rid of all my cows

to make room for a flock of sheep I'm considering buying.

$35 eh?

You got a deal.

- Oh, Mr. Haney.

- Is the moo moo murderer at home?

- No.

He went to Drucker's.

- Probably to get a tranquilizer for his jagged nerves.

- No, he went to get a fertilizer.

- Well that'll take the edge off of a jagged nerve too.

- Anyway, I brought it over.

- Brought what over?

- Follow me.

I'm sorry it took so long.

- What took so long?

- Having Irene stuffed and mounted as per your order.

Ain't that a work of taxidermical art?

- Yes, but I didn't order it.

That wasn't your voice on the phone

saying to have Irene stuffed and mounted for $100?

- No, it wasn't.

- Perhaps it was your $50 voice?

- Well why would I want to have Irene stuffed?

- As an object lesson to your husband to curb his temper.

By having this stuffed version of Irene

in such a prominent place as your bedroom,

it will serve as a constant reminder of his dastardly deed.

And I guarantee that he'll never kill another cow again.

- Well, if it help to curve his temper,

it's worth $25.

- Uh, I believe the last figure mentioned was $50.

- $35 is the highest.

- Make it $45 and you've bought yourself

a stuffed constant reminder.

- Alright, you put it in the barn and I'll get your money.

- Mr. Douglas, this ain't gonna work.

- Why not?

Something's broken, you tie splints to it.

- Boy you've really blown your mind since you...

- Since I what?

- Since you.

Holy smoke.

Look!

It's the ghost of Irene come to haunt you.

- What?

- Haunt him.

He did it to ya.

But I tell ya it was the ghost of Irene.

- How can it be the ghost of Irene when the ghost of Irene

is in the barn, in there stuffed?

- Where did you get this?

- I bought it from Mr. Haney.

He had it stuffed for me.

- This ain't Irene.

This is a phony.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, look what it says right here.

Property of the Salt Lake City salt lick company

advertising department.

- I should've known better.

Mr. Douglas never could shoost anybody.

- He might start now when he finds out about all the money

you gave Mr. Haney.

- Well maybe we better not say anything.

- It's okay with me,

but how are you gonna explain where Eleanor is?

- Oh, I forgot all about her.

You go over to Mr. Colby and get her back.

- Okay.

What about stuffy?

- Well I have to find out a way to get rid of her

before Mr. Douglas gets back.

- Looking for something?

- Yes, we had a stuffed cow on top of our truck

and it fell off along here somewhere.

- Have you seen it?

- Well that all depends.

Is there any reward?

- $10.

- Don't go away.

May I be of assistance?

- Mr. Haney.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

- Why?

What did I do?

- Starting from the beginning.

You made me think that my husband was a cow shooster.

Then you charge me to get rid of the evidence.

And then you charge me again for this stuffed phony and...

- You haven't told your husband, have you?

- No, and I better not.

Otherwise we'll have a stuffed Mr. Haney around here.

- You'd better get rid of this before Mr. Douglas sees it.

- Well that was I was trying to do.

- Let me take it off of your hands.

- How much will that cost?

- Nothing!

Just a $10 trucking fee.

- I like nothing better.

- But... - Nothing!

- Very well, I'll do it as an act of mercy.

- Yep, this is it.

- Good.

May I have the $20 reward?

- I said $10.

- Oh that's correct.

But I had to pay $10 outta my own pocket

to the folks that found it.

Because they had become so attached to it.

- Alright, here's your $20.

- Good.

This should do it.

- Eb, Eb!

- What's the matter?

- Eleanor's missing.

- Well then why are you calling for Eb?

- Do you know where she is?

- What does she look like?

- Are you stalling me?

Where is Eleanor?

- The question is where is Eleanor?

- Here she is.

- There she is.

Does that answer your question?

- Eb, where've you been?

- Oh we were jogging.

- Jogging?

Let me have her.

- You owe Mr. Colby $35.

- $35!

- What was that about $35?

- Who said that?

- You did.

- I didn't hear it.

- Eb.

Take Eleanor to the barn and milk her.

- Yes sir.

- Lisa, what's going on?

You two've been acting funny all day.

First you accuse me of...

- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.

- It's five to six,

I suppose you've come to ask for an extension.

- No sir.

I have come to give you your $200.

If you'll count it please.

- Where did you get all this money?

- Oh I picked it up.

A little here and a little there.

- Mostly here.

- Satisfied?

- No.

There's only $195 here.

You're $5 short.

- I am?

Somewhere along the line I didn't charge somebody enough.

Surely you'll trust me for the other $5.

- Mr. Haney, I've put up with enough of your shenanigans.

This time I'm gonna teach you a lesson.

I want the $5 now.

- Well I haven't got it.

But I could tell you a $5 story about a stuffed cow.

- Nevermind Mr. Haney.

Here's your $5.

- Thank you.

- Why did you give him the $5?

- Well I heard the stuffed cow story

and I don't think you would've liked it.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.