Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Lisa?

Lisa?

- What's the matter?

- Have you seen my attache case?

- What's that?

- It's that case I used to carry to court with me.

- Oh!

You're lunchbox.

- No, it's a case I carried papers in.

- Oh that.

It's under the bed.

- It's under the.

What's it going under there?

- Holding the bed up.

- Well that's a...

- Well aren't you going to fix it?

- I'll fix it when I get back.

- Am I supposed to sleep on the slant

all the time while you're in New York,

living the gay life?

Dancing with secretaries?

Boozing it up with the hat check girls?

- It'll do you good to sleep

with your feet lower than your head.

It'll take the pressure off your little brain.

- Well, guess who won't be glad to see who

when you get back!

- Look, get Eb to fix it.

I haven't got time.

My plane leaves in an hour.

Excuse me,

Excuse me governor, your car awaits without.

- Yeah, I'll be right...

Why are you wearing that stupid hat?

- This ain't a stupid hat, it's a chauffeur's hat.

A stupid hat has a point on the top

and they make you wear it when you sit in the corner.

- Would you mind taking my bag out to the car please?

- Yes sir, governor!

- Now I'm going to miss you, sweetheart!

- I'll be right back!

I'm only going to the airport!

- I believe she was talking to me.

- Is that true?

- Get the bag!

- Yes, sir.

- How long will you be gone?

- Just an hour.

- Out!

- It's going to be lonesome here without you, Oliver.

- I'll only be gone three, four days.

- Are you going to call me every day?

- Sure.

- Why?

- Well, you just asked me to.

- Otherwise you wouldn't call me?

- Of course I would.

- What time will you call?

- Whenever there's a break in my meetings with Carling.

- What's her name in real life?

- He's a lawyer!

- Oh.

- Oh, goodbye, Lisa. - Oh!

Have a good time!

- Carling, where is this Duncas?

- No, no, Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglass.

- Well, whatever his name is, he's not very prompt.

- Well, maybe his plan is late.

He had to fly in from Hooterville.

- What?

- Hooterville, that's where he lives.

See, Douglas was a member of our law firm

until several years ago.

Then he decided to give up law and become a farmer.

- He didn't get into any trouble

with the Bar Association, did he?

- Oh, no, no!

He's a fine attorney!

Matter of fact, he worked on this case

while he was here.

- Yes, well, he's not very dependable.

- Oh, thank you, Susie.

Would you call the airport and see if the plane

from Hooterville is in?

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, I'm sorry I'm... - Mister Douglas!

Oh!

- Susie!

- Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Carling, but I was just

so glad to see Mr. Douglas that I...

- Next time just wag your tail.

- Oh, it's good to see you.

- Well, yes.

- Oliver, I'd like you to meet our clients.

Mr. Robinson.

- How do you do? - Mr. Robinson.

- And Mr Sternwiess.

- How do you do? - Mr. Sternweiss, yes.

I'm sorry I'm late gentlemen, but I was...

- Oliver, you've got a little... - Oh!

Yes.

Mm?

There we go.

Well, yes, my plane was late.

You see we had to make a forced landing at Stankwell Falls.

- Stankwell Falls?

- Yes, normally Trans-Pixley Airlines

doesn't land there, but they had some mechanical difficulty

with the plane, the rubber band broke.

- Rubber band?

- Oh, yes, the pilot had it on his compass

holding it, well anyway.

- Fine, fine, now may we get started?

We have an awful lot of ground to cover.

- I'll call Ms. Glassworth in to take some notes.

- Our problem is twofold, Mr. Douglas,

you see on the one hand we have...

- Yes, Mr. Carling, did you... Mr Douglas!

- Janet! - Oh!

- Oliver.

- Yes, I'm sorry.

- Excuse me, it's just so long since I've seen Mr. Douglas!

- May we please get started?

- Oh, yes, yes of course.

- Oliver, better wipe the...

- Oh!

- Susie, we don't want any interruptions.

- Tell he if my wife calls, to put her through.

- You're married?

- Yes.

- You coulda fooled me.

- Holy smoke!

"Please take care of little Freddie,

I'm sure you'll give him a good home."

Mrs. Douglas!

Mrs. Douglas!

Mrs. Douglas!

- What's the matter?

- Somebody left a doorstep on your baby!

I mean a baby on your doorstep.

- Oh, let me see!

Oh, Eb!

This is not a baby!

That's a poopy.

- It is?

So that's what a poopy looks like!

- Oh, isn't he cute!

- His name is Freddie.

- When did he tell you that?

- This note was pinned to his blanket.

- Well, his mother has a nice handwriting.

But how could she leave a cute little...

- What are you gonna do with him?

- Well, like the note says, I'm gonna give him a good home.

- What's the matter with him?

- Oh, he must be hungry.

What do you feed a poopie?

- I don't know.

My ma always fed our dogs that same thing

she fed us kids.

- What's that?

- Dog food!

- We don't have any dog food.

I'll make him something.

How about some hot cakes?

- He sounds like Mr. Douglas when you mention that word.

- Well!

- I'd give him some milk.

- That's a good idea.

Why don't you give him some milk

and I call Mr. Douglas and I'll tell him the good news.

- I don't think we can approach the matter on that basis.

- But according to the decision laid down in the case of

Harris versus the Paradise Company...

- Gentlemen, please.

I think there's a very simple solution to the whole case.

All we have to do is...

- Susie, I said no... What?

Oh.

Oliver, it's for you.

Your wife is calling from Hooterville.

- Look, excuse me gentlemen, I'll only be, hello?

- Guess who?

- Lisa!

- Right on the first guess.

- Lisa, I'm in a middle of a...

- Well, I wouldn't have called you if it wasn't important.

Because you always told me never to call you

unless it was important and this is!

This is very important... - Yes, Lisa?

Look, would you try to get to the point?

- What point?

- Whatever you called me about.

- Here is the whole thing in a nutcracker,

can I keep little Freddie?

- Is that what you called me about?

I don't care what... Who's little Freddie?

- Ooo, didn't I tell you that?

He's the one that we found on the doorstep

in a basket, wrapped in a blanket with a note

from his mother.

- What?

- What's the matter?

- My wife found a baby in a basket on our doorstep.

- Congratulations, can we get back to work?

Just a second.

Lisa, you can't keep him!

- But the note said we should keep him

and give him a good home!

- Well, I don't care what the note said,

just call the sheriff, he'll know what to do.

- I know what to do.

I've been feeding him and... - Lisa, Lisa?

The law says that, look, please do me a favor?

Call the sheriff and tell him what happened, huh?

- I won't do it.

- But Lisa, you... - I won't do it.

- Well then I'll do it!

I'm sorry gentlemen.

- Now can we get back to work?

- I have to make one call.

Susie, would you please get me

the sheriff of Hooterville County?

- County what-you-ma-call-it's office.

- Is this the sheriff's office?

- Yes, sir.

This is, uh, uh... - Mr. Kimble?

- Oh, yeah, I guess it is.

- Please may I speak to the sheriff?

- He's on vacation.

I'm babysitting with the prisoners.

- What?

- Yeah, I come in every day to feed 'em.

The sheriff found out if they went out to eat,

that a lot of them didn't come back.

- Yeah, well, isn't there a deputy there?

- Oh, no, it's his day off.

- Can we please get on with this meeting?

- I'll only be on the line a minute.

- Well, then I'll hang up.

- Well, no, no, no, don't do that!

- Do what?

- Hang up!

- Yes, sir.

Oh, you miserable...

Susie, would you get that number back for me please?

- Are you gonna spend the whole day on the phone?

- No, no, just bear with me now, please.

- County Sheriff's office.

- Mr. Kimble!

- Oh, Mr. Douglas!

Are you through using the phone?

- Look, Mr. Kimble, I want you to listen carefully.

I am in New York.

- What if you happened to see my cousin?

He lives in New York!

Well, not in New York, he lives across a river.

New Hampshire.

- Just listen!

My wife called me a little while ago,

she said somebody left a baby

in a basket on our front porch.

Now, I wanted her to turn it into the sheriff...

- Why, what did the kid do?

He didn't.

Look, do me a favor, go over and tell Mr. Drucker

about it, I'm sure he'll know the right thing to do.

- Yes, sir!

Haney, I don't need a new cash register.

- But, Sam, my new change giving register,

it's used in all the super markets.

- Well, I don't care, I...

- Do you realize all of the wasted motion you go though

with this old fashioned register?

- It's perfectly all...

- Now suppose somebody comes in and buys

$6.32 worth of merchandise.

Haney, will you...

- Now, he tenders a $10 bill as payment.

You've got to count that out.

$6.32 from $10, that's $3.68.

50, 60, 65, 68 and three dollars makes ten.

Now, with my new register you eliminate...

- Haney, would you put the money back?

Hmm?

- The money?

- Oh, I guess I got carried away

with the live demonstration.

- Yeah, well, after this... - Hi, Haney.

- Hi Hank!

- Guess what, Sam?

Mrs. Douglas has had a baby on her front porch.

- Well, bless my gooseberry pie!

- Well, that's impossible!

She wasn't even expectin' a baby!

- Yeah, I know.

The kid just showed up in a basket!

- A foundling, well bless my codfish balls!

- Where did you hear about this?

- Mr. Douglas told me.

- Well bless my apple pan dowdy!

I think I'll go over an congratulate the little mother.

- Haney!

- Sam, I'd like to stick around and have

some gooseberry pie and some codfish balls with ya,

but I gotta get back to the sheriff's office.

Find out who's been shootin' at me!

- Maybe Mr. Douglas didn't call the sheriff.

- Oh, yes, he called him.

He has a heart of stone in his head.

Oh, the poor little thing.

What are we going to do when the sheriff gets here?

- We'll hide him!

- How do you hide a sheriff?

- No, ma'am, I meant we'd hide Freddie.

Uhoh, I think the fuzz is here!

- No, I think it's Mr. Haney!

- Mrs. Douglas, if you don't look the picture

of merry motherhood!

- He knows about little Freddie!

- You can't keep a think like that a secret!

I brought the little tyke this pair of booties.

- Oh, that's very nice of you, Mr. Haney,

but he needs four of them.

- Four of them!

- Yeah, he's got four feet!

- No wonder somebody left him on your doorstep.

Now, getting the little one unexpectedly,

you're gonna need all kinds of supplies.

And that's why I'm here.

Now if you will just step back to my show room,

I'll show you what the well-equipped baby should have.

- But, Mr. Haney, you don't understand.

Freddie...

- Feast your eyes on this magnificent display of baby needs.

Now take this electronic cradle.

This relieves a mother of the tedious job of rocking.

You simply place the baby in the cradle, fasten his seatbelt

and push this button.

Now the great thing about this cradle is

after the child out grows it,

you can use it to make malted milks.

- Well, I don't think that Freddie...

- Now, I also have a complete line of educational toys.

Like this fascinating gadget.

It keeps a child amused for hours, and not only that,

but he might win enough to pay his way through college.

- Mrs. Douglas, Freddie's hungry again!

Oh, the poor thing!

- So that is Freddie!

If I didn't know that you found him on the doorstep,

I'd say he's the spittin' image of Mr. Douglas.

- What a terrible thing to say about a cute little puppy!

You know what Mr. Douglas wants us to do with him?

Turn him over to the sheriff!

- Well, bless my chicken liver.

- Do we have to do that, Mr. Haney?

- Well, I'm not an attorney, but I believe I have

the perfect solution for your de-lemon-ia.

- What's that?

- There's statue on the books that says

that anyone finding an ipso facto puppy on their doorstep

must turn the ipso over to the facto.

Unless the puppy can be placed into the home

of a qualified puppy raiser.

- Where do I find one of those?

- My card.

- Mr. Haney, raiser of found poopies.

- Now, to conform with the aforementioned statue,

I will buy the puppy from you for $2,

move him into my qualified puppy raisin' home,

keep him 'til he's old enough to be adopted,

then sell him back to you for the $2 plus a small

charge for boardin' and training and schooling

and clothing and whatever ex-cet-er-as that he might need.

I'd say the whole thing would come to, oh, only $900.

- I don't know.

What do you think, Eb?

- $900 sounds fair to me.

- You're a good boy, Eb.

- I don't know what Mr. Douglas is going to say

about laying out so much money.

I better call and ask him.

- Look, I've gone over this nine different times,

and I don't think that's the solution.

- But it's the only course of action we have!

Don't you agree, Oliver?

- Huh?

Oh, I wasn't listening to what you said, I'm sorry.

- I don't think you've listened to anything we've said.

- I apologize, but I'm concerned about that baby.

My wife just doesn't know how to handle a baby.

Look, you mind if I make just one more call?

- Douglas, we're involved in a a $2 million lawsuit!

- I'll make it as brief as, Susie!

Look, would you get, what?

Oh, put her on.

My wife is calling me.

Yes, hello, Lisa?

- Oliver!

- Yes, I was just about to call you!

- Okay.

- Susie, would you get that call back for me?

- Hello!

- Hello, Lisa.

- Oliver, I am so glad you called.

I wanted to talk to you about little Freddie.

- Have you still got him?

- Yes.

- Didn't Mr. Drucker come over?

- Oh, why should he?

- Well, I called the sheriff's office,

but the sheriff was on vacation

and the deputy had the day off,

so Mr. Kimble was babysitting the prisoners.

- Babysitting with the prisoners?

- Yeah, he just comes in to feed him.

They found out that a lot of 'em didn't come back

if they let 'em go out to eat.

Lisa, I told Mr. Kimble to tell Mr. Drucker to come over.

- Well the only one that showed up was Mr. Haney.

He wants to sell me some baby supplies.

- Don't buy anything from him!

- Mr. Haney has a good solution for our di-lemon-ia.

He wants to buy little Freddie from me for $2.

- What?

You can't do that!

- But Oliver!

- Lisa, you can't do that!

- Do what?

- This guy wants to buy the baby from my wife for $2!

- I'll give her three for him if we can get back to work.

- Lisa, look you can't sell...

- You didn't let me finish.

Mr. Haney's only going to keep him

til he's old enough to be adopted.

Then he's going to sell him back to us for $900.

- $900?

$950.

- Lisa?

Do us both a favor, call Mr. Drucker!

- Mrs. Douglas?

- What's the matter, Eb?

- Freddie got under the kitchen sink and ate a bar of soap!

- Oh, my goodness, that's terrible!

- What's the matter?

- Freddie just ate a bar of soap.

- Oh, no!

- Now what?

- The kid just ate a bar of soap!

- I'd like to visit Hooterville,

it sounds like more fun than Disneyland.

- Lisa, Lisa, I want you to listen to me.

Now, keep calm!

Take Freddie to the emergency hospital,

they'll know what to do.

And then call me back.

No, don't call me back, I'm coming home!

- What do you mean, you're going home?

- What else can I do?

I gotta go home and protect that poor little kid!

Lisa?

Lisa?

- Oh, hello there!

- Where is he?

- Oh, you're a good father.

Coming all the way home because you were worried

about little Freddie.

- Yeah, how is he?

- Oh, he's fine.

They got all the soap out of him.

- Oh, thank goodness.

You oughta know better than to let him get under the sink!

- Oh, he gets into everything!

He was stuck under the refrigerator too!

- Holy smoke!

Where is he?

- Outside.

Arnold is teaching him how to play baseball.

- You've gotta be out of your,

how could you let him play with a pig?

Nice catch, Freddie!

- Nice catch?

What the?

- Great, okay, bring it here!

Boy, Freddie's gonna make a great outfielder!

- Is this Freddie?

- Yes, isn't he cute?

- Lisa, why didn't you tell me it was a puppy?

- Well, you never asked!

- From the way you talked, I thought it was a baby!

- You have a pretty vivid imagination.

- Do you realize that dog cost me a $5,0000 fee?

- Well, isn't is worth it to see

the smile on his little face?

- No, it's not!

- Arnold wants to know if Freddie can play ball

with him tomorrow?

- No, he can't!

- Why not?

- Because Freddie won't be here!

- Where is he going?

- I'm gonna find out who left him here and give him back!

- You wouldn't do that would you?

Oh, for!

What are you crying about?

- I like little Freddie!

Oh!

- Dry your eyes.

- Oh!

Can't I keep him?

- No!

- But, Oliver!

Well, what is this?

- My handkerchief.

- So you admit it!

- Of course!

- Well, would you kindly explain

who the tangerine lipstick belongs to?

- Oh, yeah, the tangerine uh...

- Yeah, the tangerine uh.

- That belongs to Susie, she was one of the secretaries

when I was with the firm.

She was glad to see me, kissed me.

- That's a ding-dong-doozie!

- Eb will you...

- And let's pause over Susie for a moment

and let's hear who this Ms. Passionate Pink is.

- Oh, that belonged to Janet.

She was Mr. Carling's private secretary.

- And she was happy to see you too and she kissed you?

- Of course.

- Boy, you don't have as vivid an imagination

as I thought you did!

- Eb, I don't need any of your help,

will you find something to do?

- Yes, sir.

Oh, if you ever get the true story out of him,

I'd like to hear it.

Go!

- Well, shall we get back to your nitty gritty again?

Do you want to try another story with the lipsticks?

- No, the story I told you is true.

- Only the names have been changed

to protect your innocence.

Oh, Lisa!

- Oliver, I believe you.

- Thank you.

- However, I don't think little Freddie believes you.

- I don't care whether he does.

- Well, I do.

I don't want him to leave here thinking

that you're some kind of a philanthropist.

- Philanderer.

- Oh, so you know the word.

- Of course!

- Of course.

If Freddie were to stay here and get to know you,

and find out what a wonderful man you really are,

that you are not a two-timer,

that you are honest, true-blue, a great man,

one of nature's noblemen, a prince among man...

- Okay, okay, he can stay.

Oh, Oliver,

you're wonderful!

- What's that?

- I think he still has a little soap in him.

- I think he has a little Lawrence Welk in him too.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling