Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Lisa?

You ready?

Almost.

Well hurry up, it's 8:00.

Mort's plane gets in in an hour.

- Well which one of these should I wear?

- I thought you were dressed?

- Further underneath it's done.

My hair is finished and my face is finished,

and if you'll just tell me which one of these should I wear.

- It doesn't matter.

- Yes it does.

I want to make a good compression on your friend.

- Lisa, you'll make a good compression with either one.

Mort is not interested...

- Are you the manager of this establishment?

- What?

- I got a complaint.

I've been sitting in there at the table for 15 minutes,

waiting for somebody to take my breakfast order.

- You'll have to make your own breakfast this morning,

we have to leave for the airport.

- Eb, which one of these dresses do you think

Mr. Douglas's friend would like the best?

- Well, knowing Mort, I'd say the blue one.

- You don't know Mort.

- Well then, not knowing Mort, I'd say the red one.

- I think he's right with the not knowing.

- Of course if I was a famous magazine writer like him,

I'd like to be met in your black dress.

- Eb, why don't... - He's right.

I'm going to wear my black dress.

- Fine!

- But first I have to go and press it.

- Yes, but please hurry.

- Um, Mr. Douglas what magazine does this Mr. Uh,

what's his name, write for again?

- Uh, Warner.

- I never heard of Warner Magazine.

- His name is Warner, the magainze is called Newsworthy.

Lisa, are you ready yet?

- Say, do you think Mr. Warner would be interested in

reading some of the articles I wrote for our

high school magazine, The Hooterville Hijinks.

- Eb, the man is coming here for a few days

to visit with us, now I don't want you pestering him.

- You mean you want me to hide my talent

under a bushel basket?

- I'd be eternally grateful if you would.

Lisa!

- All ready.

How do I look?

- Fine.

- That ain't the black dress I meant.

I meant the one with the tassels on the...

- Goodbye Eb!

Well, this is it, Mort.

- This is what?

- Our house!

- Well Oliver I didn't know things were

going so bad for you.

- Oh no, no, the house just looks that way because...

- That's the way it is.

- Oh, it just needs a little work, that's all.

A little work.

All righty.

Can I help you?

This place has a very interesting historical background.

This dates back to the Civil War.

- Oh.

- They fought three of the biggest battles

right in the middle of our living room.

- It's rustic, but it's comfortable.

All right, right in.

Well, what do you think?

- Yes, well it's, it's um, which battles?

- Well.

- It needs a little work, you know,

I haven't had time to get around to it.

- Would you like to have some coffee?

I have some on the stove.

- Well yes, I'd love some, thank you.

- Oliver, you're right, she's simply beautiful,

but how did you ever get off of the hook with Rachel?

- Uh, uh well uh... - Who's Rachel?

- Uh, she's the girl Mort knew when we went to Harvard.

- And how come that you got off the hook with her?

- How about the coffee?

- How about Rachel?

- The coffee!

- Rachel.

- Lisa.

- Hmm.

- Well it's been a long time since we've, uh...

- Oh, won't you sit down, Mr. Warner?

Well I wish you'd call me Mort.

- Is that all right with you, Mr. Douglas?

- You can call me Oliver.

- Not until I hear more about Rachel.

- The coffee?

- It's hot enough.

- You know Mort, I've read some of your stories

in Newsworthy magazine and you've covered

some pretty exciting events.

The riots at Berkeley, the conventions...

- Rachel, hmm.

Did she have a last name?

- Flinglehoofen.

- Well, for the last six months I've

covered the war in the Far East, you know?

- Rachel Flingenfloofen.

You made that name up.

- How could I make up a name like Rachel?

- And like I wrote you, my nerves are a little jittery

from all that violence, so that's why I asked

if I could stay here for a few days.

- Well, uh, this is a place to find peace and contentment.

- Well it's certainly going to be a relaxation

to be around people who are normal

and still have some semblance of s...

- You were saying?

- Saying?

Oh, yes.

- Would you like to have some cream?

- Please.

- We make the cream to match the coffee.

- Yes, Mort, you'll find Hooterville

is the ideal place to relax.

- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

- Eb, do you have to burst...

- We got trouble.

Trouble in River City, big trouble.

Hello there.

- Oh, hello.

- Eh, this is our Eb.

Eb, this is Mr. Warner.

- Is this Mr. Warner the famous news correspondent?

- Uh huh.

- Well I'm not really famous.

- Mr. Douglas said you were.

But then he don't always know what he's talking about.

- Eb, did you want something?

The tractor won't start.

- What's wrong with it?

- I think it has heartburn.

- Heartburn?

- I told you not to put high-test gas in it.

- We always...

- It runs much better on vodka.

- Eb, would... - So do you.

- Will you excuse me, you know what,

I better see what's wrong with the tractor.

We've got to plow 20 acres today.

- Look, do you mind if I come along?

- Well what about your coffee?

- Uh, could you save it for me?

- Why not, I've been saving it for a week,

a few more moments isn't going to hurt.

- Ah crank it.

- Yes sir.

- Wait a minute, is this supposed to be

attached to something?

- Yes sir, the lightning rod.

But we lost that.

- That's supposed to be attached to the battery.

- Well where is the battery?

- Right here, no this is for the headlights.

- Just ground the wire on the motor anywhere.

- That's okay?

- That's okay.

Now all right, Eb, okay.

- Crank it.

This ain't gonna do it, you have to hold the,

who are you?

- I'm the famous magazine writer.

- Oh, I heard you guys would do anything for a laugh.

- Mort, Mort, I'm sorry.

There must be a leak in the oil line here.

Come on into the house and I'll help you clean up.

- I would like to take a shower.

- Yeah, fine, you can change in our room.

This way.

- Come in.

Hey, get out of here.

Shoo!

Shoo!

Beat it, beat it!

No I didn't say eat it, beat it!

Oliver!

Oliver!

Oliver!

Oliver!

- What's the matter?

- What's the matter?

This pig came in and... - That's Arnold.

Arnold comes over every day,

he likes to watch Walter Cronkite in color.

- Cronkite in color?

- Yes, his father, Mr. Ziffel only has

a black and white set at home.

- You mean there's an older pig

who owns a black and white TV set?

- No, no, no.

His father isn't an older pig, he's an older man.

Arnold is the Ziffel's only child.

- Only child?

- Well, they had a daughter,

but she ran away with another goat.

- Another goat?

- Yes, how do you like Hootersville so far?

- Well, it's, it's very, uh...

- Who knocked the door down?

- The pig.

- Well I don't want him in here, now go on home.

Go on home.

- Oh, now you made Arnold mad.

He didn't even say goodbye.

- Fine.

Are you ready for your shower?

- Yeah, a nice cold one.

- Come on, I'll show you where to go.

Here you are.

- You mean outside?

- Oh, it's a great feeling,

taking a shower out of doors.

- Are you ready for your shower instructions?

- Instructions?

- Yes, you see, this shower is connected to this hose,

and the hose is connected to the kitchen sink.

Now where you're ready to take your shower,

you yell on, and I turn the water on.

And when you're through with your shower,

you yell off and I turn it off.

Now, can you remember that?

- I think so.

- If you're ready, the shower queen will be at the controls.

- Just remember, on, and off.

- On and off.

- Right.

- Ah, you know how to work that thing?

- Uh, yes, I h...

- When you're ready, just yell, "Turn it on!"

Didn't you ever take a shower before?

You're supposed to take your robe off first.

- Howdy.

- Howdy.

- My name is Fred Ziffel.

Have you seen Arnold?

- Oh you mean...

- He wouldn't be in there with you, would he?

You know he loves to take showers with strangers.

Hey, that's a funny place for a tattoo.

- That is not a tattoo.

It's a birthmark.

- Well how about that.

My wife Doris has got one in the same place.

- Oh really?

- Suppose she's being a kin to you?

- No, I don't think so.

- Well, if you see Arnold, send him on home.

- Hello there.

- Oh, hello.

- Are you ready for the off yet?

- No, no I haven't had a chance to...

- Say is that a birthmark?

- Where?

- On the back of your neck.

- No, no that's just a mole.

- Oh, than when you're ready just yell the magic word.

- I will, thank you.

- Hi Mr. Douglas.

- No, no, I'm not Mr. Douglas.

Oh well I never saw you with your clothes off.

- Look, mister.

- Kimball, Hank Kimball.

I'm a county agent.

I'm with the United States Department of uh,

what did you say your name was?

- Warner.

- Pleased to meet ya.

As I was saying, I'm with the United States

Department of Warner.

Well, no, it's not the Department of Warner,

it's the Department of, uh, uh.

- Agriculture?

- Oh, pleased to meet you Mr. Agriculture.

- Warner! Mort Warner.

- Say would you like to do some quail shooting?

I saw some over at, uh, Mort Warner.

Say, that's a familiar name.

- Well I write for Newsworthy Magazine.

- So do I, but they never send it to me.

Well, it's been nice.

Say, you know how to work that shower, don't you?

When you're finished you just yell, "Turn it off!"

Well, goodbye.

- On!

On!

- You'll never be able to dry yourself with a wet towel.

- So, how did you enjoy your shower?

- Uh, well, it was very social.

- I'm going to take Mort out, show him a corn field.

- Oh that's nice, a good laugh will do him good.

- I'll see you later, Rachel.

Isn't this a great day?

- Oh yeah, it sure is.

Oliver, would you mind if I skipped the corn field tour

and just took a little walk into town?

- Hey, why don't you take my car?

Drive around, see the countryside.

- Oh, that, that'd be great.

- Here.

- Oh, thank you, thank you Oliver.

- Take your time, enjoy yourself.

Relax.

- Oh no.

- May I be of service?

- You certainly can, I have a flat.

Could you change the tire?

- No problem at all.

Oh, may I see your auto club membership card?

- Well I don't have any.

- You don't have a membership card?

- No.

- Well, let's see now.

The fee for tire changing for a non-member is $45.

- Well isn't that a little steep?

- Well of course if you was a member,

it wouldn't cost you nothin'.

- Well what does it cost to join?

- Five dollars.

- Well then I'll join.

- All right, thank you.

Now we'll have to fill out an application

before I can issue you a membership card.

- Uh-huh.

- Your name?

- Mort Warner.

- Address?

- Well I live in New York, it's um.

- Your height?

- 5' 11 and 3/8".

- Do you have any identifying marks?

- Well I have a birthmark.

- May I see it please?

No, it's on my, um.

- Oh you must be related to Doris Ziffel.

- No.

Look, why do I have to answer all these questions?

- Well we have to be careful

about who we take into the club.

Now I'll have your application processed in a moment

by our mobile computerator.

Congratulations, you have been computerated A-OK.

Your membership card.

- Well thank you.

- That'll be five dollars.

- I just gave you five dollars.

- Oh, how forgetful of me.

- Now will you mind changing the tire?

- First I have to swear you in.

When you raise your right hand and repeat

the Haney Automobile Club oath after me.

- Will you just change the tire?

- Oh, yes sir, may I see your membership card?

- Here.

- Oh, I'm sorry, this card is expired.

- What?

You just issued it to me.

- Well you'll have to take that up with the head office.

- Well where's that?

- Salmon Creek, Alaska.

- Look, I gave you five dollars,

now I'll give you another five dollars

if you'll just change the tire.

- Yes, sir.

Do you have a jack?

- I don't know the trunk is locked and the key broke off.

- Then for all practical purposes,

you don't have a jack.

- No.

- Would you care to join the Jack of the Month Club?

- I've been all around the world,

but I've never met a hustler like you.

Now go away, I don't need your help.

- Oh, I almost forgot, you owe me $10.

- For what?

- The roadside consultation.

- Beat it!

Beat it!

- Well you better tell Mr. Drucker to give you

one of those 50 pound sacks of hot cakes flour,

for Mr. Warner's breakfast while he's here.

- You're really ramming it to him, ain't ya?

- Now you drive carefully.

- Yes ma'am.

Mrs. Douglas!

- What's the matter?

- The car's not here, did Mr. Douglas take it?

- No, he went out with his friend to the corn field.

- Holy smokes, somebody swiped it.

I'd better call the sheriff.

- Howdy.

- Oh, hello Sheriff.

- Would you mind telling me what you're trying to do, son?

- Uh, get the trunk open.

- This your car?

- No.

- Well, may I see your driver's license, please.

- Oh yes.

- I left it back at the...

- You got any identification?

- Well I have a birthmark on my, um.

- Oh now that cuts it.

A low down car thief trying to pass himself off

as a kinfolk of a nice woman like Doris Ziffel.

- I am not trying, what do you mean, car thief?

- Don't you raise your voice to the law, son.

This car was reported stolen from the Douglas farm.

- Mr. Douglas lent it to me.

Of course he did.

Hold out your hands, boy.

- But Sheriff.

- Uh uh, let's have no violence.

- Hello there.

- Lisa, this is Mort.

- Mort who?

- Mort Warner.

- He's out in the corn field with my husband.

I'll call him for you.

- No, I'm not out in the corn field, I'm here.

- Where?

- In jail.

- Oh, are you having a good time?

- No, I've been arrested for stealing your car.

- Oh, you're the one who swiped it.

- Swiped what?

- Mort is in jail, for stealing our car.

- He didn't steal it.

- Eb said he did.

- I don't care what Eb said, he didn't steal it,

I loaned it to him.

- Now tell that blubber brain sheriff to let him go.

- Mort, can I talk to the sheriff, please.

- Just a second, Mrs. Douglas wants to talk to you.

- Hello?

- Is this the blubber brain sheriff?

- I beg your pardon, ma'am.

- Mr. Warner didn't steal the car,

my husband lent it to him.

You can let him go.

- Yes ma'am.

- What's the matter?

What happened?

- Oh, it looks like there's been a little mistake, son.

No hard feelings.

- No, no hard feelings.

Oh here, would you mind taking these off?

- Ooh, glad to.

- Fine.

- The law's only human, son.

We win a few, and lose a few.

I'd say our average is about 50%, which is,

doggone it.

- What's the matter?

- Deputy must have taken the handcuff keys with him.

- Well, where is he?

- Salmon Creek, Alaska.

He's gone up to the head office of the auto club

to give a safety lecture.

- But you just got here this morning,

why do you want to leave?

- I'm used to more excitement.

This peace and quiet is killing me.

- Would you hold still, please?

There we are.

- What's that?

- Your wristwatch.

- Oh, for the love of, no.

- Would you like to have some more coffee?

- No!

Thanks.

- Sawin' ain't gonna work.

Maybe if we soaked his wrists.

Would you like to come out to the shower...

- No!

- Well, maybe I could take them off.

- How?

- Like they do in the movies.

- That old bromide, that's never going...

- May I have the other hand, please?

Hello there.

- Uh, Mr. Kimball, we're...

- Mr. Douglas, I've been looking for quail all day,

and I finally spotted some in your corn field,

mind if I foot a shew?

- No, no, go right ahead, foot a shew.

- Would you like to join me?

- No, we're having a meeting here.

- Well how about you Mr. Agriculture?

Would you, um, say, certainly is an interesting

looking wristwatch.

How does it work?

- Mr. Kimball, if you don't mind, we're busy.

Oh, yeah, I can see you're all tied up.

- Oh, there you are.

Now you can go to the barn dance tonight.

- No I'm afraid not, I'll be leaving on the first plane.

- Oh Mort, if you'll just...

- Mind if I call the airport?

- Oh, uh, Mort, that, uh.

- Hello, hello, hello?

- Oh, it doesn't work.

- Yeah, I didn't think it would.

- Yeah, no, we have another phone.

I'll show you where it is.

- You mean up there?

- Yeah, when they put in the phone they ran short

of wire, and... - Yes, I, I understand.

- What was that?

- Oh, that's Kimball, footing a shew quails.

- What's, what's the number?

- Just tell the operator you want the airport.

- Hello, hello?

- Doggone it.

Ooh, I think I finally got something.

- You mean I have to lie here on my stomach

for a whole week?

- The doctor didn't get all the buckshot out yet.

- He said you still have few left in your birthmark.

- There goes my relationship with Doris Ziffel.

- Mort, you might as well relax, take a nap.

We'll keep everything quiet

and make sure nobody bothers you.

I'd appreciate that.

- Oh, well I guess he's feeling better,

he turned on the TV.

This has been a Filmways presentation, Darling.