Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- What are you looking at?

- The rain.

- Do you know, when I was a little girl in Hungary

and it rained, I used to stand by the window

with my nose pressed against the pane.

Sometimes, I stood there for hours

before my father saw me and let me in.

- What?

- You know, rain is very romantical.

Why don't we get cozy and light a fire?

- I don't want to go out in the rain to get the wood.

- Then why don't we sit down on the loveseat

and turn on the TV?

- No, thanks.

- How would you like to slip into something more comfortable

and turn on the hi-fi?

- No.

- How would you like to open up a bottle of champagne

and turn me on?

- Lisa, I got a lot of...

Lisa, I got a lot of things I gotta do.

- Like what?

- It's a good day to catch up on my bookkeeping.

- And what am I supposed to do?

- Haven't you got anything to read?

- Just last year's diary.

Boy, was that dull!

- Well, look, if...

- Do you want to help me jazz up this year?

- Later.

But Ollie, why?

- Shut the door, ya... - Yes, sir!

Boy, what a storm!

- You knucklehead!

How's the barn?

- Fine, it floats beautifully.

- What?

- Last time I saw it, it was headed downstream,

and Eleanor the cow was sittin' on the roof wavin' goodbye.

- Oliver, Eleanor will drown!

You got to...

- The barn's all right, I was just funnin'.

- I'll fun you!

- Are you sure that Eleanor is all right?

- Yes, ma'am, she's nice and dry and cozy in the barn.

I lit the kerosene lantern for her

and told her how the Chicago fire started

and left her to her own devices.

Eb, will you...

What's that?

- What's what?

That!

- Oh, I forgot about him.

This is Al.

Al, say hello to the folks.

- How do you do?

You're very cute.

- He says you're cute too.

- He has legs just like you, Oliver.

- Where did you get that?

- My turtle brought him home.

She always wanted a pet.

Oh, for the love of...

Put him outside.

- Oliver, it's cold and rainy.

He'll get all wet.

- It won't hurt him, frogs live in the water.

- Not Al!

He's got a sinus condition.

- Where'd he go?

He jumped in there.

- Eb, will you get him outta there?

- Yes, sir.

Come on out, Al!

He wants to know what you want him for.

- Just get him out.

- Come on, Al.

Al!

What's this, he cried, his voice full of surprise.

Jumpin' Jehosaphat, he exclaimed!

It's a mail order catalog dated 1898.

- Let me see it.

- Belongs to Al.

It was in his hole.

- Give me that!

Hey, I'll be darned, it's a wish book.

- What's that?

- It's what they call a mail order catalog.

You know, people look at the pictures

of all the things in here and they wish they had 'em.

Look at some of the things they had in those days.

Pocket watches, huh?

Kerosene lamps.

And look at these prices!

Number 2319, our five-piece parlor suite

consisting of sofa, large rocker,

large armchair, two parlor chairs.

- It's horrible, but at that price, we ought to buy one.

- Look at number 2976,

a lady's suit for $6 and 75 cents.

And ladies' hats for $2 and 25 cents.

And ladies' genuine leather shoes for $1.95 a pair.

- Where are the mink coats?

- They didn't have them in those days.

- Well, I guess women never went out in those days

because men looked like that.

- Hey, you've got a suit like that.

- I have not!

- Come in!

- Golly, what a foul day!

- Yeah.

Will ya!

- I wouldn't a-even come out if I hadn't a-promised

to deliver your order.

- What order?

- 100 pounds of frog food.

- How much do we owe you, Mr. Haney?

- $29.

- 29...

- I assume you wanted the vitalized frog food.

- I didn't want any.

- This is a special mixture, scientifically prepared.

It contains 12 vitamins, 16 minerals,

and an assortment of Mexican fruit flies.

They're the ones wearin' the sombreros.

- Oh, boy, that sounds yummy, don't it, Al?

- Well, if you'll just make me out your check for $38...

- I thought you said it was only 29.

- Yes, ma'am, but I have to charge $9

for deliverin' in the rain 'cause my tires shrink.

- I'm not giving you... - What have we here?

- Oh, that's an 1898 wish bow.

- A wish book.

- Where did you find this?

- Al found it in his frog house.

- Well, if that don't beat a cob of corn.

Do you know who this belonged to?

Calvin Whittaker, you see, there's his name, right there.

- Who was he?

- He was the fellow that sold this house

to my grandfather originally.

Did I ever tell you about my grandfather, Originally Haney?

- Fortunately, no.

- Well, it's high time I did.

Now, just get over there and make yourselves comfortable.

Come on.

- Golly, what a gassy way to spend an afternoon,

listenin' to Mr. Haney spin tales!

- Why don't you... - Oh, sit down, Oliver.

I want to watch Mr. Haney spin his tale.

- He's not going to...

- Go ahead, Mr. Haney, spin it.

- Well, it was in the year 1898.

You was probably still in high school.

- I wasn't even...

- Anyway, that was the year that Calvin married

the erstwhile Tessie Schmidthammer,

and from what I have heard,

she strongly resembled you, Mrs. Douglas.

She was as pretty as a birch tree

in a field of rhododendriums.

- Rhododendriums?

- And like you, Mrs. Douglas, she came from the old country.

- What old country?

- Any old country, she couldn't get a passport.

- What has all this got to do with the catalog?

- Well, I'm coming to that.

It was on a June day when Calvin carried his bride, Tessie,

through that very door.

- We're home, we're home!

There, how do ya like it?

- Oh, it's beautiful, Kervin!

- Calvin.

- Give me time.

We've only been married two hours.

- Yes, well, you haven't kissed me yet.

- What was your name again?

- Come on, how about a kiss?

- Ooh, you're rushing the post-maritals.

- But... - Who was your decorator?

- Oh, the wish book!

- What's that?

- It's a mail order catalog.

You can order anything you want.

- Oh, well, if you ordered all these beautiful furnitures,

why didn't you order some new wallpapers,

and have the holes fixed in the wall?

- Oh, never!

It stays just the way it is.

It keeps my tax assessment down.

- You've got a good cheap head on your shoulders.

Do you know what, Carl?

- Calvin!

- Why do you keep changing your name?

- Come on, I'll show you the rest of the house.

This is the bedroom.

- I'd rather see the kitchen first.

Did all of this come out of the fish hook?

- The wish book.

You see, this stove is number 3948,

and this set here, this is number 2214.

Now would you like to see the bedroom?

- How 'bout visiting the neighbors?

- Well, maybe you'd like to change your clothes?

- Into what?

- I mean, get into something more comfortable.

- Well, I'll see if I can find something.

Well, sir, Tessie and Calvin settled down

to a happy and pleasant life.

Tessie!

Would you come into the bedroom for a minute?

- You never give up, do you?

- Oh, look, Tessie, what are you doing with the wish book?

- I'm looking at this ring.

How would you like to buy me one?

- Oh, I can't afford to.

I need every cent I have for farm equipment.

I'm going to start a dairy farm.

Let me show you the first thing I'm going to order.

Number 2947,

a peerless cream separator.

Well, sir, it was about two weeks later

when a package arrived from the catalog house,

and Calvin eagerly unpacked it.

- Our cream separator!

Oh, this is the start of our dairy farm.

- Well, a ring would have been nicer.

That doesn't look like the picture in the wish book.

- No, it doesn't.

What's this?

At your request, we're enclosing your order

for a number 2947 Grumbacher Magic Lantern.

A magic lantern?

Oh, they sent the wrong thing!

I ordered a number 2974, they sent me a number 2947

Grumbacher Magic Lantern!

The dunderheads!

I'm gonna send it back.

- But we could use a lantern in the parlor.

- We need a cream separator!

- Not in the parlor!

Oh, all right.

Let's try it tonight, we'll see if it's any good.

It doesn't give much light.

- Calvin, Calvin!

- What's the matter?

- There's a man on our wall!

- Hey, that's Abraham Lincoln!

- How did he get on the wall?

- He's coming from the magic lantern here.

- How did he get in there?

- He's not in there, he, oh!

Hey, he's on this!

- How did he get on there?

- I haven't the faintest idea!

- Look, he's upside-down!

How did he do that?

- I don't know, but Tessie,

I have the feeling I've stumbled on to something.

There's a fortune to be made with this machine.

People will pay admission to see

a president of the United States

standing on his head on the wall.

- Send it back and get the cream separator.

- Nothing doing!

This is the start of a whole new career for me!

I'm gonna open up the first wall picture theater.

Calvin went up to Pixley to look for a place

to use as a wall picture theater.

He had a choice between Thornton's Dry Goods Store,

Scarpita's Shoe Repair Store, or the Pixley butcher shop.

The butcher shop won out

'cause their walls were a little cleaner.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Kimball.

- Howdy.

The shop was run by Fritz Kimball,

who was Hank Kimball's grandpappy.

- There we are.

I had to raise the price of pork chops.

Well, I didn't have to,

but since I'm the only butcher in town,

I figured I might just as well.

- Look, Mr. Kimball,

would you be interested in making some extra money?

- Oh, no, thanks.

I already got a crooked scale.

- Oh, no, no, no.

What I want to do is to rent your store at night

to show wall pictures.

- Wall pictures?

Nothing degenerate, is it?

- Oh, no, no, it's a form of entertainment.

- Well... - I'll give you 15 cents a night

and a free pass for every showing.

- Boy, it's a deal!

- Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Tonight, you're going to see a brand new form

of entertainment, wall pictures!

Lights, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time anywhere,

Abraham Lincoln standing on

his head!

Lights, please!

That concludes tonight's performance.

Be sure and tell all your friends, thank you.

Calvin's wall pictures were a big success.

Every night, people'd come from miles around to see...

Abraham Lincoln standing on his head!

Then came one of the hottest summers

they ever had in this part of the country,

and the audience dwindled to nothing.

- Well, it looks like

we're out of the wall picture business.

We haven't had anybody in here for a week.

- It's the heat.

- Well, you might as well send back the lantern,

and send for the cream separator.

- I'm not giving up.

- But we're losing money foot over mouse.

Nobody wants to sit inside on a hot night like this.

- Evenin'.

- Oh, Mr. Kimball,

we're not gonna show the picture tonight.

- Oh, I didn't come down to see that.

I've seen it 78 times already.

I know the story pretty well by now.

It's about this president that stands on his head.

- Yeah, well.

- I just come down to sleep in my ice box.

It's the only cool place in town.

- Mr. Kimball?

Tessie, Mr. Kimball solved our problem.

Again, Calvin had shown his great ingenuity.

For eight weeks, they showed Abraham Lincoln

standin' on his head to packed houses.

But then, tragedy struck.

He dropped his slide.

- Well, you broke your business!

They want to see the show.

- Yeah, well, what can I do?

Tessie, look at that.

- It's just your fingers on the wall.

- No, no, I have a feeling it's more than that.

- Oh, send for the cream separator!

- No, no, look, I made a dog.

It moves!

Tessie, you know what I've invented?

Calvin's moving wall pictures

were an instant success.

For two months, they coined money,

and then, once again, tragedy struck.

- What's the matter?

- I got rheumatism!

- Boy, did I marry a prize package!

Send for the cream separator.

- No!

I'm not giving up.

Show business is in my blood.

- Maybe I could make a wall picture.

- Oh, don't be silly.

Superstars only happen once in a lifetime.

- Oh, boy.

You've been working in that butcher shop too long,

I can smell the ham.

- Tessie, have faith in me.

- What are you going to do?

- I read about a place out West called Hollywood,

which is becoming the entertainment capital of the world.

Now, as soon as this gets better,

I'm going out there and show them my...

- Movin' picture walls?

- No, moving wall pictures.

- What do we need them for?

We make moving pictures at this studio.

- What are they?

- We put pictures of people on film

and shine 'em on a screen.

- Upside-down?

- No!

- Now, who'd wanna go to see them?

My idea is better.

I have this magic lantern,

and I put my fingers in front of the beam of light,

and I make animals on the wall.

- He can do a raccoon and a monkey,

or a salmon swimming upstream.

- Every night, I play to a packed butcher shop in Pixley.

Here, let me show you.

- Out.

- But I... - Out!

- Wait a second, that's no way to treat a superstar!

Nowhere in the world is there anybody

with fingers like his,

and you treat him like he's a poor schnook.

- Say that again.

- Which part?

- Any part!

- Wait a second, that's no way to treat a schnook.

- No, no, I believe you said,

"That's no way to treat a superstar."

- Would you be quiet?

Madam, have you ever thought

that you'd like to act in pictures?

- She doesn't have any talent, it's my fingers that...

- If you don't keep quiet, I'm gonna have the guards

throw you out of here.

Do you want to be in pictures?

- Why, yes, but what about the schnook?

- Well, maybe we can find a nice cheap sanitarium.

- It's a deal.

And so, Tessie started her career in pictures.

First came Up the Nile, in which she played Cleopatra.

Then came a succession of hits.

She starred as Scarface in that prison picture,

Romeo and Joliet.

And then came a Roman love story, Ben's Her.

But her biggest hit was The Great Drain Robbery.

In the meantime, Calvin had returned to the farmhouse,

where he sat for hours staring at the wall,

wonderin' what to do with it.

Then, once again, fate took a hand.

- Why not?

- Tessie, you had no right to leave the set.

You're in the middle of your biggest picture.

- But you've got to listen to my husband!

He has a great idea.

- All right, what is it?

- This.

- A mouse?

- Yes, sir.

- Isn't he clever?

- I don't know.

What can he do?

- She means me.

That mouse is gonna be your biggest star.

I propose that you use him in your pictures

instead of people.

I even have a name for him, Dickey.

- Dickey?

- Yes, sir.

Dickey Mouse.

- Isn't that clever?

- Get him outta here!

And forget about a cheap sanitarium.

Put him in a good one, now!

- Sorry, Dickey.

Poor Calvin,

he walked out of that producer's office never knowin'

how close he came to creating Mickey Mouse.

And that's the story of Calvin Whittaker and the wish book.

- Oh, that's a sad story.

- Sad?

That isn't exactly the word I would have used.

- What happened to Calvin?

- Oh, he came back here and sent for the cream separator,

but it never came.

So, finally, he went bankrupt

and he had to sell this house to my grandpappy.

- What happened to Tessie?

- Oh, she did fine until talkin' pictures came along,

but nobody could understand her thick accent.

- Well, I wonder why they couldn't do that.

- What did you say?

- Well, it stopped rainin'.

I guess I'll be runnin' along.

- Oh, don't let me stop ya.

- Oh, you can just mail me your check for the frog food.

- Oliver, isn't it exciting to think that this house

once belonged to the man who invented

the moving wall pictures?

- And don't forget Dickey Mouse.

- Aw, now will you...

- Just think, all of that wouldn't have happened

if he didn't send for the cream separator,

which never arrived.

- Lisa, you don't really believe that nutty...

- Excuse me, I'm looking for a Calvin Whittaker.

- He doesn't live here anymore.

- Well, I'm from the mail order catalog house.

If you see him, would you tell him we can't fill his order?

We're all out of cream separators.

- Well, Mr. Doubting Denny Thomas,

you didn't believe the story.

How could the...

Oh, shut up!

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.