Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Well that's the strangest thing.

I'm sure it was here somewhere.

- What's your problem?

- I'm looking for a jar of, oh here, no it isn't either.

Did you take it? - Take what?

- My after bath cream.

- After bath cream?

- It comes in a set.

Now this is the before bath cream,

and this is the during bath cream

and I can't find the after bath.

- Can't you just use the before or the during?

- Not for after anymore than I can use the before

for the during or the during for the before.

- There must be something you can use out of all this junk.

- Junk?

Do you know how much this costs?

- 20 cents?

- $40!

- 40, what is it?

Youthful elbow cream.

- You use that to make your elbows young.

- What do you need young elbows for?

- To keep up with the rest of you.

There is no sense in putting on young face cream

and young eye cream if you're going to

walk around with old elbows.

- No that wouldn't...

- That is one of Madam Tchaikovsky's bestsellers.

- Tchaikovsky, is she any relation to the composer?

- That was his wife, but when the music business got bad

she went into the cosmetetical business

to support the family.

- Cosmetetical?

- First thing tomorrow I want you to take me

to Drucker's store so I can buy some after bath cream.

- I can just see the expression on Mr. Drucker's face

when you ask him for it.

- After bath cream?

- Yeah it's part of a set.

They have a before, and a during

and my wife is out of the after.

- Oh, well...

- It's made by Madam Tchaikovsky.

- The wife of the composer.

She went into the cosmetetical business

when he was having trouble selling his symphonies.

- Oh well I didn't know he...

- Do you have any other kind of an after bath cream?

- Well no ma'am I just carry a few cosmetics

as an accommodation for the women folk around here.

- What have you got?

- Well I got mercurochrome.

The women use that for nail polish.

- Nail...

- Then I have Pickney's lamp black.

They use that for eye shadow.

But this is my biggest seller,

McGivney's silver polish.

- Silver polish?

- Yeah the women use it for a face cream,

gives 'em a nice shine and it keeps 'em

from tarnishing when they go out into the sun.

- Oh boy.

- Mr. Drucker, I'm surprised that you don't carry

a line of cosmeteticals.

- Well I often thought about it,

but I don't know beans about it.

- Well, maybe I could help you.

- How?

- I have a feeling you're going to be sorry

you asked that, Mr. Drucker.

- Well I could help you to order everything you need.

- Well yeah but who's gonna sell it?

- That's your second stupid question.

- I could sell them for you.

- You could?

- You don't know when to quit, do you?

- Well that sounds like a good idea.

- It does?

- Well is there any place in this store

where there is room for a cosmetetical counter?

- Don't answer that!

- Well let's see.

- Well I don't need anything fancy.

- Well maybe I could clear off this table

and you could use it for a counter.

- Well that would be wonderful.

- Then I guess we're in business.

- Yes.

- I never saw a man so happy about going to his own funeral.

Lisa haven't you started dinner yet?

- Yes I'm boiling a pot of water.

- For what?

- Well I thought I'd leave that part up to you.

- Look I'm...

- I'm trying to make out a list

for the cosmeteticals I'm going to order.

- You're not really serious are you?

- Well I shook hands with Mr. Drucker didn't I?

- Well yes but...

- Well I'm not the kind of a girl who shakes and forgets.

- Well I didn't...

- You can help me with the list if you want to.

- What do you want me to do?

- Write out a check for $5,000.

- 5,000...

- Make it out to cash, that's the name

I'll be using for a while.

- How much stuff are you buying?

- Different women need different things

to be beautiful in different departments.

- In different...

- Yes the face usually needs the most work,

so let's start with the forehead.

Now the forehead needs forehead cleansing cream,

forehead wrinkle cream, forehead face cream,

forehead smoothing cream, forehead penetrating cream,

forehead peeling cream...

- That's just for the forehead.

- Now we move on to the eye section.

I divided that in three parts.

The eyebrows, the eyeball, and the eyelashes.

Now for the eyebrows you need eyebrow cleansing cream,

eyebrow wrinkle cream, eyebrow base cream,

eyebrow smoothing cream...

- That sounds just like the same stuff

you had for the forehead.

- It is, except it is for the eyebrows.

Now we come to, did I say tweezers?

- I don't believe so.

- Eyebrow tweezer.

- Don't they have a forehead tweezer?

- I forgot about that.

Forehead tweezers.

- You mean there is such a thing?

- As what?

- As forehead tweezers!

- I already wrote that down.

- Oh for the love of...

- Now for the eyelashes.

For that I'm going to order...

I wonder who that is.

- Sounds like Mr. Haney.

Oh it is Mr. Haney.

- Mr. Douglas, Mrs. Douglas, may I be the first

to congratulate you on your new business.

- Why thank you Mr. Haney.

Oh isn't it beautiful?

- This is the silliest looking thing I've ever seen.

- Silly?

Mr. Douglas that is $69 worth of horseshoe.

And I purchased it just for you, Mrs. D.

- Really?

Well then why does it say good luck to Harry's Butcher Shop?

- Well if it brought good luck to Harry

I figured it'd bring good luck to your wife.

- All right thank you very much Mr. Haney.

Oliver, here you are.

- Oh no Lisa, now what am I gonna do with a...

- And when will you be opening

your cosmetetical business Mrs. Douglas?

- Cosmetetical?

There's no such word as...

- As soon as I get my cosmeteticals.

I was just making out the list of the stuff I need.

- Then how fortuotous that I dropped by.

- Fortuotuous?

- It means lucky.

Now if I can just have your order.

- Come on Lisa...

- Now Mr. Haney, I was planning to do my ordering

from the Lady Love company.

- The Lady Love company, are they still in business?

- Yes they are.

- Then they must have won that lawsuit.

I wonder what happened to that poor bald woman

that used their hairspray.

- I think they make very good cosmeteticals.

- Not according to an independent survey

made in a small midwestern town

where half of the women were given Lady Love hand cream

to use on their hands, and the other half

were given my hand cream and would you believe

that in my group there was not a single cavity?

- What has that got to do with the...

- Well Mr. Haney I...

- Just a moment please, what has that got to do with what?

- Well what has that got to do with...

- You were saying Mrs. Douglas?

- Well I was going to say that I can get everything I need

from the Lady Love company.

- Including mademoiselle Yvette's face rejuvenating cream

which contains a magic ingredient, hamster milk?

- Hamster milk?

- It picks up where turtle oil fears to tread.

- How do you get hamster milk?

- By milking a hamster.

- Oh for...

- Would you care to watch a milking session?

- I most certainly would.

- This way.

May I introduce Gwendolyn?

How do you do?

- Oh Lisa you don't know...

- Excuse us, Gwendolyn is a little shy

about strangers watching her being milked.

- I didn't know you could milk a hamster.

Oh you can't he's just...

- There you are, grade A hamster milk.

- And you said it couldn't be done.

- By using just one jar a week

of this face rejuvenating cream,

containing the aforementioned hamster milk,

you can keep young looking forever.

- Oh brother.

- I'm prepared to back up my statement with living proof.

Abigail, would you come out please?

Mr. Douglas, may I present Abigail Haney,

my great great grandmother.

- Your great great...

- Granny, how long have you been using

Haney's rejuvenating cream?

- 75 years grandson.

- 70... - And how old are you?

- 93.

- Oliver, doesn't she look wonderful for 93?

- She's not 90, she's a shill!

- Oliver that's no way to talk about a nice old lady.

- If you'll just give me the order, I'll get granny home.

She has to get back to her desk.

She's writing her memoirs of the Civil War.

- Well we won't keep her.

Goodbye Mr. Haney and goodbye to you granny

you luscious looking senior citizen.

- Oliver! - Come on Lisa.

- Oh Oliver, maybe I should have ordered some of that cream.

- You don't need anything else.

Mr. Drucker's given you a very small table in the store,

now where could you possibly put

more than a couple of dozen jars?

- Oh well I have to think of something.

- Well if it isn't the Monroe brothers.

- You don't have to bow to her.

- No, just kiss my hand honey.

- You were supposed to show up

six weeks ago, where have you been?

- We've been working over at the state college.

- Doing what?

- Making picket signs.

- We made a couple of extra ones

in case you give us any trouble.

- Look you promised me you'd finish the bedroom.

- Promise is a promise.

- Right, not to us, but to some carpenters.

- If there were any other carpenters around here...

- There's just us poopsie, what does that do to your id?

- We'd have been here sooner

only we were waiting for lumber.

- Yeah we knew you wanted the best,

so we had to wait until they tore down

Luke Rockwell's chicken coop.

- Chicken coop lumber?

- That's the best you can get, it's aged in the egg.

- Well pick it up, carry it inside, and start putting it on.

- Oh hello there!

- Morning Mrs. Douglas.

- Gosh don't you look beautiful?

I bet you just got up, too.

- No no I've been up about a half an hour.

- You don't look that good

after you've been up for three weeks.

- Al.

- Or three years.

- How would you like a bop in the beezer?

- How would you like to go in

and start working on the bedroom?

- If you have a beauty problem...

- Problems, she's got the only face in town

that's been declared a disaster area.

- How would you like a shot in the head?

- You lay one finger on me and I'm gonna tell Mom.

- If you two spent as much time working

as you do fighting you would have

been finished with the bedroom two years ago.

- How would you like a shot in the head?

- Oh now see here...

- Now Ralph, as I was saying, if you have a beauty problem

I am opening a cosmetetical department

in Mr. Drucker's store.

- Well that's wonderful.

I need a pair of forehead tweezers.

- There's no such thing as...

- I am going to carry a complete line of cosmeteticals.

I am going to have...

- Lisa you're holding them up.

- Well it never hurts to do a little advertising.

- Well do as little as you can

so that they can get started on the bedroom huh?

- Boy he's a real hyperthyroid.

- What does that mean?

- Means he's got too much hyper in his thyroid.

Let's pick up the lumber then.

- As soon as I hear about the cosmetics.

- Of all the blundering...

Eb what are you doing?

- Freezing a part in my hair.

- What?

Get your head out of there you...

- You see what I do is I give myself a shampoo

and then I rush my head into the refrigerator

and I'm well groomed all day.

- Yes, well... - Unless the sun comes out.

- Now I got three nitwits here.

- Oh the Monroe brothers showed up huh?

- Finally!

- Boy I heard they did a great job on the picket signs

over at the state college.

- I have no...

- Not only do they build the signs,

but they make up their own slogans like

bean the dean, keep your cool don't burn the school,

and don't popcorn on the roof of the dorm.

- I'm not interested in...

- One of these days they're going

to make the big time, Berkeley.

- Eb I have enough problems!

- Oh Oliver, oh Eb I see you had your head

in the refrigerator again.

- Yes ma'am!

- Looks very nice.

- Look how about breakfast hm?

- Oh from now on you have to make your own.

I am a career woman.

- Did Alf and Ralph start to work yet?

- No but they will be in a half an hour.

- Half an hour?

- That's how long it's going to take them

to get to Drucker's.

- Why are they going to Drucker's?

- To build me some shelves.

- What?

- Remember the idea you had last night,

that I have too many cosmeteticals and not enough space?

Well from now on I shall have

all the space I need for everything I order.

- What about the bedroom?

- Business before pleasure.

- And a pound of what?

What?

I'm sorry I can't hear you Mrs. Wilson, just a minute.

Would you stop that hammering?

Stop hammering!

Would you tell him to stop that hammering?

- Alf!

Alf!

- What?

- Grouchy wants you to stop.

- I gotta finish the shelf.

- Wait 'til I'm through with the phone call.

Yes, five pounds of apples yes ma'am

and a large bag of sugar.

- They got a sale on sugar over at the market in Picksley.

- Will you...

All right ma'am stop blast you!

- Excuse me.

- No not you, Mrs. Wilson.

Yes, five pounds of flour and what else, shortening?

Yes ma'am and eggs, a dozen.

Yes ma'am and what else baking powder and hello?

Hello?

What's the matter with this dingblasted phone?

- You think this could be the trouble?

- You dummy!

- Who you calling a dummy?

- Your sister.

- Oh, what'd you do dummy?

- That!

- Don't get uptight, we're not gonna charge you for it.

- Well how am I gonna use the phone?

- Don't worry about it, we'll splice

your wires back together for ya.

- Well, splice.

- Where you going?

- To see Mrs. Douglas.

They were making so much noise I couldn't hear on the phone

and as if that wasn't enough

they sawed through my telephone wire.

- Well, maybe that's why you couldn't hear.

- Well no ma'am it was the hammering.

Look Mrs. Douglas, maybe we ought to forget the whole thing.

- Oh Mr. Drucker I promise you,

you won't have any more trouble.

- Here's four more cartons Sam, where do you want 'em?

- Well I don't know there's no more room in here.

- Well you better make up your mind.

I still got 47 more cartons on the train.

- Wait a second, I'll call Mrs. Douglas.

Hello, Sarah, get me, hello?

Hello!

Hello hello!

Oh those darn Monroe brothers,

they spliced the wires backwards.

Hello, Sarah?

Yeah Sam Drucker, get me the Douglas farm.

- Hello.

- Mr. Douglas it's Sam Drucker.

- I'm sorry I can't hear you very well.

- That's because I'm talking into the receiver

and listening with the mouthpiece.

- I don't understand.

- Well the Monroe brothers...

- Now I understand.

- Is Mrs. Douglas there?

I've got to talk to her.

- Well just a minute, Lisa!

Something wrong Mr. Drucker?

- I'll say there's something wrong.

395 cartons of cosmetics just arrived.

- 300 and...

- The store is jammed full of 'em, I can't move.

- Oliver, did you want me?

- Yeah it's Mr. Drucker, he says your cosmetics arrived.

- Oh well that's wonderful!

- He doesn't think so, there are 395 cartons of them.

- Well that must be the first shipment.

- The first shipment?

- Did you say the first shipment?

Holy smoke, what am I gonna do?

There isn't an inch of space left here.

- Well just a minute, I'll find out.

Mr. Drucker wants to know where he's supposed

to put all that stuff, he hasn't got any room!

- Tell him not to worry, I'll think of something.

- Oh Doris I've got a sale...

- Oh later Sam, I want to look at Mrs. Douglas's cosmetics.

- Oh hello there Mrs. Ziffel.

- Howdy Mrs. Douglas.

- Now come on Ralph, why don't you join us?

I'm just going to demonstrate my cosmeteticals.

Now, here this, this is the eyeliner.

- Well what do I need that for?

My eyes have enough lines.

- This is to give your eyes that sexy look.

- Ooh, could you rub some all over me?

- No, this is just for the eyes.

The all over you comes in a big bottle.

- She'll need three bottles of that.

- Look here Doris... - Ladies, ladies!

And now to apply the eye.

- Mr. Drucker, what happened?

- Oh remember when your wife said she'd think of something?

Well this is it.

- You mean she's taken over the whole store?

- Including my post office.

How did I ever get snookered into this?

- I don't want to say I told you so.

- You can say it, I'm going bankrupt.

The women are spending all their money on cosmetics,

they don't have nothing left for groceries.

- Look, why didn't you say something to my wife?

- Well I tried to but... - Hello lover.

- Who are you?

- I'm Ralph, the sexy Monroe brother.

How do I look?

- If you want to sue, I'll be glad

to handle the case for you.

- Oh what does a man know.

- Now Ralph I got a sale on...

- I'm sorry Sam, I spent all my money in the beauty saloon.

- See what I mean?

Doggone it Mr. Douglas, what am I gonna do?

- Well I'll have a little talk with Mrs. Douglas.

- You think that'll help?

- Don't worry, I'll make her see the light.

- Why am I looking at the light?

- I told Mr. Drucker I'd make you, it's just an expression.

Now look, Mr. Drucker was kind enough

to offer you a small space in his store,

and you went ahead and took over the whole thing.

- Well I don't see why he's complaining.

I'm giving him half of the profits

and he's getting a nice suntan outside on the porch.

- That isn't the point, that's Mr. Drucker's store.

It's his whole life, and anyway this community

needs a general store more than it needs a cosmetic saloon.

- Well I don't want to hurt Mr. Drucker,

but I'm enjoying my cosmetetical business.

- All you have to do is move it!

- Where?

- I don't know!

- Oh, well I'll think of something.

- And a can of peas, yes ma'am.

Hello Mr. Douglas. - Hi.

Well I see everything's back to normal.

- Except the phone.

Yes Mrs. Dooley, I'll have the order ready for you.

- When did my wife move out?

- Early this morning.

- Oh, well she was gone when I was up this morning.

Did she say where she was moving to?

- No, she just said she had a perfect place picked out.

- What's going on here?

- Park your car sir? - What?

- It's a service of the Green Acres Health and Beauty Farm.

- You mean my wife... - She sure did!

- Ladies, this is the latest thing, vanishing spray.

It replaces the old fashioned vanishing cream.

- Lisa!

What have you done?

- Oh Oliver, say hello to the ladies.

- I didn't come in to say hello,

I came in to say goodbye.

- Oh, bye.

- Not me goodbye, you goodbye.

You all goodbye, everybody out come on, out.

- Oliver!

- Lisa you're not using our home for a cosmetetical,

a cosmoretrical, a cos, cosmo, cosmopol...

- Why don't you practice your diction outside?

- As I was saying this vanishing spray

makes wrinkles disappear, freckles disappear,

blemishes disappear, it can make anything disappear!

- Cosmetetical!

- Bravo!

- Lisa I want everybody out of here, come on come on

out out out all of you out!

You too, out out come on, come on oh hey!

So long Eb.

- Mr. Douglas?

Yes.

- What happened to you?

Stay away from that vanishing spray, it's murder.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.