Original subtitles

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that country side

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Time Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green acres we are there

- Oliver.

- Hmm?

- Do you like this color?

- Yes, it's beautiful, good night.

- What color was it?

- It was red.

- What shade of red?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- It's called Passionate Embrace.

They use it in all those new sexy movies.

- Sexy?

- You know, when they don't have any plot

but you don't care because

they hardly wear any clothes.

- Lisa, I'd like to go to sleep.

- Oh I'm sorry darling, goodnight.

- Goodnight.

What's the matter?

- There was a name in the dark.

- A name in?

Lisa turn the light off.

- Oh yes darling, goodnight.

- Goodnight.

Lisa, what are you?

- That time there were two names.

- Lisa, I've got a big day tomorrow.

I've got to go to Druckers

to pick up my seed corn.

I've got to overhaul the tractor motor.

I'd appreciate it if you'd turn out the light.

- Oh yes darling, goodnight.

Do you see anything?

No!

- That's funny, there should be one more name.

Oh there it is!

Oliver did you see it?

Oliver?

Oliver.

Oliver where are you?

On the couch, in the living room.

Goodnight.

- Oh goodnight dear.

Hello there Mr. Drucker.

- Oh good morning folks.

- What's that?

- Well it's a new nail polish.

It's called Passionate Embrace.

It's selling like hot cakes.

- Well it should, they advertise it everywhere.

Even in the dark after you turn the light out.

- I beg your pardon?

- My wife sees names in the dark.

- Oh?

What kind of names?

- Well you see there was this...

- Mr. Drucker, I came over here to pick up my seed corn.

- I've got it in the back room for you.

Oh, by the way Mrs. Douglas before I forget

remember you were asking me

if I was gonna get in some of that gourmet food?

- Well yes.

- Well I called the warehouse in the county seat

and they sent me a whole selection of that gourmet stuff.

- Mr. Drucker I believe you misspelled gourmet.

- Where?

- Well it's supposed to be G-O-U-R-M-E-T.

- What difference does it make?

All he has is some stuffed olives.

- Well that's about as gourmet as they get.

- Didn't they have any caviar?

- Oh you mean them little black fish eggs?

No, but they told me they were coming out

with a do it yourself caviar kit.

- A caviar kit?

- Yeah, you cook up a box of tapioca

and you stir in some licorice for color

and then add some sardine oil for the fish taste.

- I'll demo one of those.

- Yes ma'am, right away.

- Mr. Drucker, if you would just get me my...

- Do they have a pate de foie gras kit?

- Patty duh?

- Goose liver.

- No ma'am, but I can order you a frozen goose

and you deliver it yourself.

- Do you think I could do that Oliver?

- I'm sure I don't know.

Now look Mr. Drucker, please would you get my...

- Howdy folks.

- Oh hello there Mr. Ziffel.

Hello Arnold.

- Arnold wants to know if you've got

your gourmet section in yet.

- Right over there.

- Arnold says you aint got gourmet spelled right.

- How would he know how?

- Have you got your seed corn planted yet?

- I will if Mr. Drucker ever gets...

- Fred, who's gonna pay for all them gourmets?

- Put it on Arnold's bill.

- You know how much he's ran up?

192 dollars and 27 cents.

- Well Arnold can afford it if he's a millionaire.

At least he's going to be

when he gets his inheritation.

- When's he gonna get it?

- Don't ask me, ask his lawyer.

- I haven't the slightest idea.

I've done everything I can do

to expedite the settlement of the estate.

- Maybe you'd better turn it over

to Doris's brother.

- Is he a lawyer?

- No, he's the carobertive.

- What does he know about law?

- What do you know about cutting toe nails?

- Nothing.

- Then if I was you, I'd stick to practicing law.

- For the love of.

Look Mr. Drucker if you would just tell me

where the seed corn is

I'll put it in the car myself.

- Well I'll help you.

- Thank you.

- Oh by the way Mr. Douglas

do you know how to plant this new hybrid variety

of seed corn?

- He don't even know how to plant the old kind.

- Have you got any literature?

- Yeah, I believe the seed salesman left some booklets.

Here we are.

- Thank you.

- Have you done your plowing yet.

First I've got to overhaul my tractor motor.

Eb!

Eb!

- Oliver!

- Eb!

- Oliver!

- What do you want?

- I'm looking for... What are you doing?

- I'm trying to get the motor back in the tractor.

- Well, it was a nice day for it.

- Eb!

- Have you seen Evelyn?

- Who's Evelyn?

- She's a little white chicken.

- No, I haven't see her, Eb!

- Evelyn!

- Eb!

- Evelyn!

- Look will you stop?

This thing is heavy.

- Can I help you?

- No thanks.

- You never want me to help you with anything

around the farm.

- If you really want to help, go find Evelyn.

- Evelyn!

I mean Ep!

- Who do you want?

Me or Evelyn?

- I need some help raising this.

- Yes sir.

- Oh there we are.

No, no, not so high.

That's alright.

- Eb, Eb have you see Evelyn

the little white chicken?

- No ma'am but Charlie ought to know where she is.

- Who's Charlie?

- The rooster.

- Charlie, Charlie!

- Evelyn!

- Will you stop yelling in my ear?

- Yes sir.

- Good Lord.

- Hey!

There's Evelyn.

Mrs. Douglas?

- Yes?

- I found Evelyn.

- Oh good, where's Mr. Douglas?

- I don't know, he was around here

a few minutes ago.

- I'm up here.

- Oh Oliver, if you're looking for Evelyn

don't bother, we found her.

- You miserable!

- Mr. Douglas?

We got the motor back in.

What do you want me to do now?

- Get me down you...

- With the mood you're in

I'm better off with you up there.

If you're gonna read

I might as well take the rest of the day off.

- Eb I just wanted to check something in here.

- Boy, you sure are going at corn planting

scientifically this year.

- Well I don't want to make the same mistakes

that I made with my corn last year.

- I know how you can do that.

Plant tomatoes.

- Look.

- That will give you some new mistakes

to fool around with.

- Eb would you mind?

- Hello my dear!

I've brought you some sandwiches.

- Oh boy thanks!

Didn't you bring any for Mr. Douglas?

- Well they're for both of you.

- Thank you.

- Eat them while they're hot.

- What kind of sandwiches are they?

- Liverwurst and grape jelly.

- Liverwurst and...

- Did you put mayonnaise on them?

- Yes, and ketchup.

- Thank you, look we'll eat them later.

- If there's anything else you need sire.

Do you want me to run the tractor

while you are eating?

- Lisa, why are you being so helpful

all of a sudden?

- Well you always tell me that an American farmer's wife

is at her husband's side

while he's toiling and sweating in the fields.

- Well that's right.

And I appreciate the bag of...

- Well if there's anything else you need

just whistle and I will be with Beck when you call.

- You'll be with Beck when I?

- Bye!

- Eb, start the tractor.

- Can I eat my sandwich first?

- Crank her up.

- But.

- Crank!

- You certainly are.

- Switch on.

- Pull out the choke.

4th of July came early this year.

- Grab the plow.

And be sure to keep the furrows straight.

- Mr. Douglas!

Oh Mr. Douglas!

Hi, how you doing?

- Hey, what are you doing here?

- Eating my sandwich.

- What happened to the plow?

- You forgot to hitch it to the tractor.

- Why didn't you say something?

- You told me never to talk when my mouth was full.

- Oh.

Hitch it up.

- I'm entitled to a siesta after eating.

- Will you hitch it up!

- Yes sir.

Boy the way you keep me working around here.

I don't even have time to make a picket sign.

- Eb!

- We just finished plowing.

Why don't we take a rest

and plant the seed tomorrow?

- Because the faster we plant the seed

the faster it will grow.

- Tell me where it says that in the book.

- It doesn't have to say it in the book.

- Mr. Douglas, thank goodness I'm not too late.

- For what?

- You haven't planted your seeds yet have you?

- No.

- Then this is your lucky day.

- That remains to be seen.

- Mr. Douglas, what would you say

if I told you that on the back of my truck

I had one of the most astounding devices

for planting seeds known to man?

- Mr. Haney, if you're gonna try to sell me

some cockamamie machine.

- Machine?

Who said anything about machine.

May I present Mrs. Agnes Cudahy.

The last of the authentic seed spitters.

- Seed spitters?

- The only accurate way to plant seeds

in two furrows at one time.

- Mr. Haney.

- I'm willing to back up my claim

with a demonstration.

Can I have some corn?

- No, you may not.

- Yeah, here you are right here.

- Oh come on!

- I thank you and Mrs. Cudahy thanks you.

How let us pretend that these are your furrows.

- Golly!

- Now the first step is to drill holes

for the seeds in the furrows.

Now these holes can be drilled by hand

by machinery, or by Donny Woodpecker

who will be glad to peck the holes for you

at 10 cents a peck.

- Of all the ridiculous... - Pray watch.

Now, planting two seeds at once.

Notice her fantastic accuracy?

Seed spitting is indeed a lost art.

- Well yes, but I don't really.

What was that?

- I believe Mrs. Cudahy just planted her tooth.

- Oh for the love of.

- Now if you would just sign this contract

for Mrs. Cudahy's seed spitting services.

- I don't want her services.

I can spit my own, I mean I can plant my own seed.

- And what provisions have you made

for protecting your seed once you've planted it?

- Well I haven't made any.

- You haven't made any?

Aren't you worried about crows?

- No.

- Well, perhaps Oscar can change your mind about that.

Here boy!

Oscar, tell Mr. Douglas what a flock of crows

can do to a newly seeded field of corn.

Aint that frightening?

- It sure is.

- What did he say?

- You heard him.

- Fortunately, Oscar has agreed

to come over to our side

and think for the farmers.

- Think for the...

- Now here's the way Oscar works.

He hangs around old fences and stuff

and mingles with the bad crows

making them believe that he's one of them.

And then when he hears their plan

to raid somebody's corn field

he reports to me.

Either in person or by short wave radio.

- If that isn't the most...

- I in turn relay the news to you

and you can take whatever steps you think is necessary

to protect your crops.

- I'm about to take the first step to protect it.

Out!

- Oh but Mr. Douglas.

- Out!

And take your freak crow and your Lucy Loose Tooth with you.

- Inhospitable.

- Eb I told you before.

You're supposed to cover the seeds with a hoe.

- Sorry, I forgot.

- Hoe!

Hoe!

- I didn't mean... - Yoohoo!

Hello dear.

Here I am, the wife of the American farmer

with the lemonade

for her toiling and sweating husband

who is working in the field.

- Oh boy, I'm thirsty.

- Well have some.

- Oh!

- Did you say something?

- Boy, that sure was good.

I've never tasted lemonade like that before.

- Well have some more.

- Oh, I see you are ready for some more.

I'm glad you like it.

What's the matter with your voice?

- Can I have some more?

- Oh you like it Eb?

- Yes ma'am.

- Well I can see my lemonade is a big hit.

- Yeah, it's a big hit.

- Then what did you throw it away for?

- Oh!

- You threw it away after all the trouble

I went through to make it?

- Lisa, I wasn't thirsty.

- Well this is the last time this wife

of the American farmer

is going to help the toilers

and the sweaters.

- Lisa!

- Don't beg me, no more lemonade.

That's it.

- Well you must feel proud of yourself.

Dumping out an American farmer's lemonade.

- Eb, why did you have to tell...

- Just because it had a kerosene taste

didn't mean you had to pour it out.

- Oh, let's get back to work.

- Yes sir.

- Lisa, I'm sorry about the lemonade.

I know you were trying to be helpful.

- I don't want to talk about it.

- Fine.

- Why did you dump it?

- Lisa, you just said...

- How can be a good American farmer's wife

when you're a dumper?

- Lisa, if you don't mind I'm tired.

- You work too hard.

- That's part of being a farmer.

Since the days of the revolution.

The American farmer has worked from sun up to sun down.

Planting his seeds in the rich, brown soil

knowing that soon the cool rain

and the warm sun will give them life

and make them burst up through the soil

up towards the sun and the sky.

Yes, I'm tired.

But it's a proud tiredness.

An American tiredness.

- Goodnight Oliver.

- Goodnight dear.

- Oliver.

- Hmm?

- Would you please tell the fellow

to stop playing the fife?

I want to go to sleep.

- Stop playing the fife?

- Thank you, goodnight.

- Will you let go of my arm?

- I want to show you what's growing in your corn field!

- How could anything be growing?

We just planted it yesterday.

- You'll see, come on.

- Oh now look at that, there's nothing growing.

- Huh, what do you call that?

- That's impossible.

- That's what I said but there it is.

When you plant your little seeds in the rich, brown earth

and they burst through they really burst.

In fact, they burst, bust, and boom.

- I don't understand how...

- It's just like Jack and the Beanstalk.

Only you did it with corn.

- Jack and the... - Hi Eb!

- Hi Jack!

- Jack?

Where did he come from?

- Did you see anybody up there?

- Just a giant in a green suit.

- A giant in a green suit.

Ho, ho, ho.

- Well who could?

- A can of corn!

Golly, we're in a TV commercial.

- This isn't.

There must be some explanation.

- Okay, let's hear it.

- Well I don't know what the.

- I'm gonna take a look up there.

- Will you get off of there!

- Good morning.

- Oh, hi Mr. Kimball.

- That's right, Hank Kimball's the name

and county agenting is my game.

- Mr. Kimball am I glad to see you.

- See me what?

- Well, look at that.

- What about it?

- Do you realize what that is?

- Yeah, looks like a high rise corn stalk.

- Well have you ever seen anything like it?

- Oh yeah, there's a lot of them going around.

Ben Miller had a 20 story corn stalk.

No, it was a 14 story tomato plant.

Well it wasn't 14 stories.

It was in a pot.

- How could a thing like this happen?

- Well, there's a simple scientific explanation to that.

- Yeah?

- You see what happened here was...

No, that's for giant artichokes.

- This just can't be.

- Why not?

It happened in Jack and the Beanstalk.

See, there was this... - Hi Mr. Kimball!

- Oh hi Jack.

- Will you get off of my corn stalk?

- Mr. Douglass, have you heard anybody go, "Ho, ho, ho"?

- Yes, yes.

- Well there's your answer.

You're in a TV commercial.

Well, if you need any more help

just give me a call.

- Mr. Kimball please.

- Watch out below!

Hey, how about that ear of corn Mr. Douglas?

- This is tremendous, I never saw anything...

- The giant helped me pick it.

Thank you giant!

Ho, ho, ho.

- What's so funny?

- Why Eb is talking to the, hey look at that!

- Well, you finally learned how to grow corn.

- No, I didn't grow it.

I don't know how it happened, look!

- Well it was probably a magic seed

like in Jacqueline and the Beanstalk.

- Oh no, it was Jack and the Beanstalk.

- Hello Mrs. Douglas.

- Hello there Jacqueline.

- I must be going out of my...

- There's a nice giant living up there.

Would you like a can of creamed corn?

- I'd love it.

- Hey giant!

One creamed corn!

You're supposed to put it in the can dummy!

- This whole thing is utterly...

- Very funny!

Ho, ho, ho.

- I can't, there must be some explanation.

Maybe it was the seed

or maybe it was something in the soil.

- The soil, that's what it was.

The soil! The soil!

- What do you mean?

- That's where you threw Mrs. Douglas's lemonade.

- The lemonade?

Could that have?

Lisa what was in it?

- What do you care?

You don't like it.

- Lisa it's possible there's something in it

that made the corn grow.

You've got to tell me.

Tell me!

Tell me!

Tell me!

- Oliver!

Oliver!

What's the matter!

- What did you put in that lemonade?

- What's the matter?

- Oh boy did I have a nightmare.

I dreamed this corn stalk grew way up in the sky

and there were these two kids.

And a giant.

Oh and an ear of corn six feet long.

Oh boy.

- What about my lemonade?

- That was another nightmare.

No, I mean it was part of the.

- You don't have to apologize.

Maybe the lemonade wasn't good.

Like my cooking and sewing

and everything else I do around here.

I guess I just don't have the stuff

which makes a woman an American farm wife.

- I never complained about your stuffing.

I like you just the way you are.

- Do you?

- Yes.

- And I like you just the way you are.

- I guess we're made for each other.

- We are America's ideal couple.

- I wouldn't go that far.

- We're the sweethearts of the world.

The lovers of the century.

- Lisa.

- We're Romo and Julius.

Antony and...

What was the name of the Irish girl

he was engaged to?

Oh yes, Cleopatrick.

- Cleopatrick?

Goodnight Lisa.

- Goodnight sweet prince.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

I'll turn out the light.

Don't wake me up early tomorrow.

This has been a FILMWAYS presentation darling.