Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

Hmm?

- Oliver, there is somebody knocking at the front door.

- You're right.

- Oliver.

- Oh, ignore it.

Maybe they'll go away.

- They didn't go away.

- Well, what do you want me to do?

- What'd you say?

Oh, for the love of it, grab your robe and see who it is.

- Oh, for the love of it.

Oh, Ralph.

What do you want?

- Did I wake you up?

- Yes.

- I'm sorry, but I wanted you to be

the first to hear the good news.

Guess what?

- You're for arrest.

- I'm engaged.

I'm gonna be married.

- Congratulations.

- Who was it?

- It was Ralph.

- What did she want?

- She'll tell you.

- You big jerk.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Douglas.

- What's the matter, Ralph?

- Didn't the sorehead tell you the good news?

I'm gonna be married.

- Oh, isn't that marvelous?

Who's the lucky man?

- Oh, what a horrible thing to say

about some poor nearsighted guy.

- If I weren't so happy, I'd kick you right in the slacks.

- Look, Ralph.

- Who is it?

- Well, his initials are H.K.

- Harry Caray?

- Hank Kimball.

- Ralph, I wish you both a lot of happiness.

- And so do I.

How did it happen?

- Well, as you know...

- Do you mind if I go back to bed now?

I've got an old dream to finish.

- Oliver, you're terribly impolite.

Now come on, come on.

Tell me all about it.

Sit down.

You too, Oliver.

- Well, as you know, Hanky and I have been going together

for almost eight years,

but he was always too shy to pop the question.

Well, anyway, last night we went to

a drive-in movie like we always do.

Except this time, there was something different.

- What was that?

- The back seat was broken

and he had to sit up front with me.

- How did you manage to break it without him knowing it?

- Oliver.

Go on, Ralph.

- Well, anyway, they were showing this torrid love scene

between Cary Grant and Sophia Loren

and I turned to Hanky and I said,

"I bet you can make love better than that."

- And what did he do?

- Oh, nothing, he'd gone off to get popcorn.

- Oh boy.

- Anyway, he was gone about a half an hour

when I heard this girl in the next car scream

and I looked over and the door flew open and Hanky flew out.

- What?

- He'd gotten into the wrong car.

- The wrong...

- Then this big fellow got out

and he started beating up on Hank

and I jumped out and I started swinging

and I heard this siren and, well, anyway,

coming home from the emergency hospital, Hank proposed

and I accepted before the shot they gave him wore off.

- Isn't that a romantical story?

- Yeah.

- When is the wedding going to be?

- A week from next Sunday.

- Oh, isn't that wonderful?

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

Mr. Douglas and I are going to

give you the wedding as a present.

- Lisa.

- Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh!

- Wait till I tell Hanky.

- Lisa, why did you say that we'd...

- Well, Oliver, it's just going to be a simple affair.

We'll get the chef from the 21 Club from New York

to fly out and cater it and we'll get a big band.

- Yeah, how 'bout John Philip Sousa?

- Well, if that's who you like, we'll get him.

Now, Lisa, will you please...

- Oliver, just leave the details to me.

- The one thing I don't understand

is why they're getting married.

It seems kind of old-fashioned.

- What do you mean old-fashioned?

- Well, you hardly see a movie today

where anybody's married anymore.

- Eb, you're seeing the wrong kind of movies.

- No, sir, this was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Nobody was married in that.

- Eb, why don't you just...

- What are you gonna give Ralph and Mr. Kimball

for a wedding present?

- We're gonna pay for the wedding.

- Golly, you're a real generous man.

Not with me, but with everybody else.

- Look, Eb.

- Hey, here comes the blushing bridegroom.

- Aw, Eb, why don't you watch it.

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Hi, Eb.

- Hiya, Mr. Kimball.

I understand congratulations are in order.

- Oh, they are?

Congratulations.

What did you do?

- I didn't.

We're talking about the wedding.

- Oh, somebody getting married?

- You are.

- To who?

- Ralph Monroe.

- Oh, that wedding.

Yeah, got engaged last night.

Yeah, how do you like the engagement ring?

Oh, I guess I gave it to Ralph.

We're gonna take turns wearing it.

- Oh boy.

- Did you know Mr. Douglas is paying for the wedding?

- What wedding?

- Yours.

- Gee, that's mighty nice of you, Mr. Douglas.

I hope you'll invite me.

I love weddings.

- Yes, if there's room, I'll try to.

- Yeah, well, thank you.

- You know, it doesn't seem right

to do that to anybody, even to Ralph.

- Oh, Eb!

Lisa?

Lisa?

- What do you want?

- Haven't you started dinner yet?

- No, I've been busy.

I've been on the phone talking to New York

to get the estimates for the wedding.

- New York?

- Yes, I've got three estimates.

Which one do you want, the most expensive one?

- No, the cheapest.

- $17,000.

- 17,000.

How much is the most expensive one?

- $98,000.

That's with the Rockettes dancing the Wedding March.

- We don't need the Rockettes.

- You don't have any class.

- Oh, Lisa, I'm not spending anything like that.

- Well, if you'd just come outside

and let me show you what I have in mind.

I thought we'd have the wedding out here

on account of all the guests.

- Well, how many people are you expecting?

- Well, Ralph gave me the list of her side.

485 people.

- 485?

- 12 of them are relatives and the rest of them

are members of the County Carpenter's Union.

- Oh, great.

How many people does Mr. Kimball get to invite?

- Six, including him.

Now, what I had in mind is we have the alter there

and the aisle down here.

- May I make a suggestion?

- Mr. Haney.

I didn't hear your truck.

- Oh, well, that's easy explained.

You see, the motor is tuned to such a high pitch,

it can only be heard by dogs.

- Oh, brother.

- Now, shall we talk about the wedding?

- Yes, I'd like to hear it.

- Lisa, don't get involved with him.

- Mr. Douglas, how many weddings have you supervised?

- None.

- Then I'll thank you to keep your inexperience out of this.

Now, the Haney Super Wedding Service Service

comes in a package.

We furnish everything except the bride and the bridegroom.

Course we do supply a standby groom

in case the real one don't show up.

That way, you're not stuck with

a lot of soggy hors d'oeuvres.

- Oh, we don't intend to have...

- Now for the flower arrangement.

I suggest that the alter be covered

with a bower of nasturtiums.

- Nasturtiums?

- Or if you prefer, chrysanthemums.

- Chrysanthemums.

- I can see that he don't know much about botany.

No, he doesn't.

- Leading to the alter, I suggest a 75-foot

red plush carpet and the ceremony starts promptly at three.

- Why does it have to start at three?

- So I can get the carpet back to the middle aisle

of the Beisel Theater for their evening performance.

Now, on one side of the alter will be an organist

and on the other side, the Tabernacle Choir.

- What tabernacle choir?

- Well, you can have a choice.

Either the Salt Lake City or the Stankwell Falls.

And I would recommend the Stankwell Falls Choir.

They have a better bass section.

- That's what I heard.

- Now, where did you hear that?

- Now we come to the actual nuptuation part of the ceremony.

- I was afraid you were gonna forget that.

- Now, to perform the wedding ceremony,

you have a choice of a ship's captain,

a judge who was turned down for the Supreme Court,

or a Dalai Lama.

Course the wedding will have to be moved

to Tibet if you want him.

- Ralph says she wants Mr. Drucker.

- A non-union justice of the peace?

- Well, she's known him all her life.

- It's all right with me.

Course you realize if you furnish

your own justice of the peace, there'll be a corkage charge.

- What does that mean?

- What about the reception after the ceremony?

- Well, I would suggest a buffet table

laden with foods from all over the world.

Melons from the Island of Casaba

and smoked salmon from the Delta of the Nile.

Artichoke hearts from Abyssinia and chicken livers.

- Where does that come from?

- Usually from chickens.

- I oughta... - What about dancing?

- The wedding guests will dance to the music

of the ever popular John Philip Sousa.

- That's your favorite.

- He can't...

- Mr. Haney, what would this cost?

- A lot less than you think.

- I was thinking of $100.

- Well, if you're willing to give up the melons

from the Island of Casaba, we got a deal.

- Ralph.

Ralph!

- Oh, look what you made me do.

- Why do you have to hammer at this, ow!

Ooh.

- What's the matter, your corns bothering you again?

- What are you building?

- A hope chest to put all my things in.

- What you got, you can put in a paper sack.

- If I wasn't so happy, I'd bash your head in.

- You're not really gonna marry

that feather-brained Kimball, are you?

- Hanky is good and kind and sweet and true.

Besides, he loves me.

- That's what I said, he's a feather brain.

- Alf, I...

- You realize what it'll mean if you marry him?

It'll be the end of the Monroe Brothers.

All those years of chicken coop building

gone in one puff of passion.

- Alf, look at it this way.

You're not losing a brother.

You're gaining a county agent.

- What do I need a county agent for?

Ralph, don't leave me.

You know I'm afraid to sleep alone in the house.

- Buy yourself a dog.

- Nobody can take your place.

- Alf, if you... - What do you got in here?

- My trousseau.

- That's my trousseau and these are my pajamas.

- Aw, Alf.

I just wanna borrow them for my wedding night.

I haven't got anything feminine to wear.

- These are not feminine.

They're official Roy Rogers sleepies.

If you want them, you can have them.

- Thanks, Alf.

You know, I'm gonna miss you.

- I'm gonna miss you too.

We had a lot of fun together.

- Yeah.

Remember that three-story chicken house

we built over at Crabwell Corners?

- Yeah.

I wonder if that fellow ever found

a three-story chicken for it.

- Oh, remember the barn we built for Charlie Kenworthy?

- Yeah, we did a great job on that.

- Uh-huh, stood up for almost two weeks.

- Oh, Sunday it'll all be over.

Remember, sis, if it doesn't work out,

you can always come back here and be a Monroe Brother again.

- Thanks, Alf.

- Good luck, Ralph.

Lisa, did you iron...

- You can't go in there.

- Why not?

- Ralph is getting dressed.

- I need a handkerchief.

- Later.

- Later? - Oh, you look very handsome.

- Yeah, you look beautiful.

- Weddings always bring out the beautiful in me.

- Oh, you don't need a wedding to look beautiful.

- You're after something.

- A handkerchief.

- I'll bring out one for you later.

How are things going outside?

- Oh, fine.

- Did Mr. Haney bring the refreshments?

- Yeah, the last I saw of him,

he was putting prices on the sandwiches.

- Oliver!

- Oh, don't worry, everything's gonna be fine.

Sam, just talk into the mouthpiece.

- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...

- No, no, no, no.

You've got to press the button

to activate the public addresses.

- Mr. Drucker, what are you doing?

- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here.

- What is that thing?

- Well, that's the $35

public address system that you ordered.

- I didn't order that!

- You didn't?

Well, it's right here on the list.

Right underneath the Rockette dancing girls.

Oh, I'm sorry, this is a list

for the $800 Blakewell wedding.

- I don't care.

Look, all I want is what I ordered.

- Everything's here.

- Where are the chairs for the guests?

- Well, they'll be along in a minute.

You see, the funeral lasted a little longer than I figured.

- The funeral?

Look, Mr. Haney.

- Oh, by the way.

Which wedding march do you want the organist to play?

- Who's the organist?

- Me.

- You?

A mouth organ?

- Well, with the $35 public address system,

you don't need all of them pipes.

Just listen.

- I'm here.

I'm here.

- Ralph, Ralph.

- It was a false alarm.

- Well, I told you they weren't ready yet.

Now go back into the house and get ready.

- All right, promise you'll call me.

- She's a nervous wreck.

- If you think she's nervous, you oughta see Mr. Kimball.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh.

Is it time to go yet, Warden?

- Oh, come on, relax, relax.

It'll be over before you know it.

- Before I know what?

- Oh, now, Mr. Kimball, here.

Come on, come on now, here.

My legs are weak.

- Hey, maybe a little snort would help.

- Yeah, maybe it would.

Boy, you're right, it did help.

You know, I keep wondering if I'm making a mistake.

- You love Ralph, don't you?

- Who's Ralph don't you?

- Ralph Monroe.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I guess I love her.

Well, every time she comes close,

I break out in a cold sweat.

My hands get clammy and my legs get weak.

Is that love?

- Well, either that or she's a Hong Kong flu carrier.

Mr. Kimball, having doubts is perfectly natural and all.

You're gonna have a beautiful wedding

and you're gonna have a lot of fun on your honeymoon.

- Could I talk to you man to man?

Mm-hmm.

- Well, you see, my father never had a talk with me about...

Well, you're married and maybe you could tell me,

well, you know, the facts of life.

- What do you wanna know?

- Well, when Ralph and I are alone in the...

When do I put on the aftershave lotion?

- Try it after you shave.

- Now, do I do that before or after I take off my shoes?

- Look, don't worry about it.

These things have a way of taking care of themselves.

- They do?

Boy, I feel better already.

- Look, it won't be long now

before Mr. Drucker ties the knot.

Oh, come on now, easy, easy, easy.

Relax, I got you, I got you.

- If there be any man here with reason

why these two should not be joined in holy wedlock,

let him speak now or forever after hold his peace.

Do you, Ralph Waldo Monroe,

take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

- I do.

- And do you, Henry Wadsworth Kimball,

take this woman for your lawful wedded wife?

- Answer him.

- What was the question?

- Just say, "I do," dummy.

- I do, dummy.

- Now, who has the ring?

Take this ring and place it on her finger

and say, "With this ring, I thee wed."

- Well, say it.

- Why should I say it?

It's his ring.

- Mr. Kimball, you have to say it.

- I do, dummy.

- No, no.

With this ring, I thee wed.

- Oh.

With this wed, I thee ring.

- Is that close enough?

- That's fine.

- By the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- Hanky, I'm waiting.

- Oh.

Welcome aboard.

- Good luck, Mrs. Kimball.

- Mrs. Kimball.

Doesn't that sound wonderful, Hanky?

- Mrs. Kimball?

You can't use that, that's my mother's name.

Congratulations, Hank.

- Thank you.

- Goodbye.

Throw the bouquet.

- What am I supposed to do with this?

- Woo, that's over.

- Ooh, that was a wonderful wedding.

- Well, everything's satisfactory?

- Oh yes, Mr. Haney.

It was very nice.

- Thank you.

Your bill.

- The bride isn't cold yet and...

All right, I'll send you a check in the morning.

Come on, Lisa.

Time for some champagne.

- Oh, you sure tie a mean knot, Sam.

- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, Mr. Drucker, that was a beautiful ceremony.

- Yeah, it was a real doobie-whacker.

- Well, I'm glad you liked it.

You know, this marks kind of a milestone in my career.

This is the 295th wedding I've performed

since I became a justice of the peace.

- Well, congratulations.

- Sam, can anyone be a justice of the peace?

- Oh yeah, I suppose so.

All you gotta do is apply

to the state capitol for a license.

Then you just have to make sure

that you renew it every 10 years,

like I have to renew mine the 10th of this month.

- Last Wednesday was the 10th.

- Last Wednesday.

It was?

- Uh-huh.

- Holy smoke, I'm expired.

- Well, they're not really married.

But Oliver, they're on their honeymoon.

Do you know what that means?

- That ain't funny.

You realize my sister's going to a motel

with an unmarried man?

- Hank, you'd better go get the bags.

- Oh yeah, I'll be right back.

Well, put me down.

- Oh yeah.

- Hanky? - What?

- Aren't you gonna kiss me goodbye?

- Where you going?

- Well, you're going out to get the bags.

It'd be the first time we'd been separated

since we were married.

- How about that?

- Hank?

There's something missing in here.

- There is?

What?

- The room doesn't have a B-E-D.

- You mean bed.

- Mother was right.

All men are beasts.

- Gee, all I said was...

- I wonder if it's in here.

Oh.

Gee, I never slept standing up before.

- You have to pull it down.

- Oh.

- Well, not in front of me.

Hank, why don't you go outside

for a little while and have a smoke?

- Oh.

I don't smoke.

- Well, why don't you buy a newspaper?

- I already read it.

- Hank, why don't you just go outside

for about 15 minutes while I...

- Oh, I see what you mean.

No, I don't see what you mean.

Just go take a walk.

- Yes, sir.

- Who's there?

- Me.

- Oh, for the love of, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be on your honeymoon.

- Oh, fine honeymoon.

- What happened?

- It was terrible.

When we got to the motel room, I asked Hanky to go out

and take a walk for 15 minutes till I got comfortable.

First thing I know,

a woman starts screaming in the next room.

The door flies open and Hanky flies out

and this big fellow comes out and starts beating up on him

and I hear sirens and,

well, he's in the emergency hospital again.

- Oh, brother.

- Well, it's a good thing because after you left,

we found out that Mr. Drucker was expired.

- What?

- His license was no good.

You and Hank were never married.

- We weren't?

- You mean if Hank had come back and...

Oh.

- Oliver, Oliver.

Do something.

- As soon as I've had some coffee.

- Oliver.

- Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, where am I?

- Oh, you're safe.

- But I'm married.

- Oh, don't worry.

As soon as Mr. Kimball comes out of the hospital,

we'll have another wedding.

- Shall we discuss the arrangements?

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.