Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that country side

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oh, pardon me son.

Could you tell me if...

- Golly, if it isn't Mr. Wurthwaxer the distinguished

principal of Hooterville high school.

How are ya?

It's good to see ya again!

- Well, yes, it's good to see you.

- I can tell by the blank expression on your face

that you don't remember me.

- Well I uh... - I'm Eb Dawson.

I was in the graduating class of '61, '62,

'63, '64, and '65.

- Well I'm glad you finally got out.

- It wasn't easy.

I had to go over the wall.

- Oh, well uh...

- What brings your August presence to our humble farm?

- Well I wanted to talk to Mr. Douglas.

- Well if you're trying to get

a contribution for the school, forget it!

He's the most tightest man.

- Most tightest?

Did you take english at our school?

I should hope to kiss a frog!

English was my bestest subject.

- Over the wall, hm?

- Oh, hello there.

- Oh, Mrs. Douglas, I'd like you to meet

an old friend of mine, Mr. Wurthwaxer.

This is Mrs. Douglas.

- How do you do?

How do you do?

- Don't give up, sometimes it takes

two or three introductions to get in.

Mrs. Douglas, this is Mr. Wurthwaxer.

- Didn't we meet somewhere before?

- Well yes, we...

- He wants to talk to Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, yes, well come on in.

- After you, old buddy.

- Oliver, there is somebody here to see you.

- Hm, huh?

- Oliver this is Mr. Waxworks.

- Wurthwaxer.

- Mr. Waxworks is principal of Hooterville high.

- Wurthwaxer.

- Eb, haven't you got some work to do?

- Oh, yes.

Oh Mr. Wurthwax, before I go I just want to thank you

because if it wasn't for the schoolin' I got from you,

I wouldn't be where I am today.

- Thank you.

Mr. Douglas, the reason I...

- On second thought, what have I got to thank you for?

I'm nowhere!

- You're working.

- Yeah, but everybody else in my class is on relief.

- Out!

- Won't you sit down Mr. Wixworker.

- Wockwicker.

- No, no, Wackworker.

Oh, Wurthwaxer.

- Well anyway, would you believe

I never went to high school?

I had a private tutor that used to

come over and toot me every day.

- Toot you?

- Yes, in Hungary girls don't have to go to school.

- Lisa, I'm sure Mr. Wurthwaxer didn't come over here

for a report on the Hungarian school system.

- As a matter of fact the reason I came over

was to ask if you would address one of our classes.

- Oh, I'd be glad to.

What do you want me to talk about?

- Well I meant Mr. Douglas.

You see every semester we invite people from different

walks of life to talk to our students

about job opportunities.

Since you're an attorney we'd like to

have you talk on law as a profession.

- Well that's very flattering.

- You couldn't have picked a better man than my husband.

- Well, thank you.

- He worked for one of the biggest law firms in New York,

Felton, O'Connor, Clay, Blakely, Harmon, Dillon and Pasteur.

- Uh Lisa, I'm sure the...

- He was doing great until he made the mistake

of asking Mr. Blakely's blonde secretary out to lunch,

not knowing that Mr. Harmon was secretly in love with her,

but that she was secretly married

to Mr. Fulton who was the boss.

Well naturally, when Mr. Dillon

and Mr. Pasteur found out about it...

- Lisa you don't have to tell him the whole sordid story!

- Well I just wanted him to know what a great big lawyer

you could have become if you didn't play around

with a blonde secretary.

- Mr. Wurthwaxer, if you still want me to address

your class I'd be happy to.

- Well thank you.

- Ah, Mr. Kimball.

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

I'd like to introduce Mr. uh, uh...

- Dr. Livermore.

- Oh how do you do, doctor?

I'm Hank Kimball.

- Ha ha, yes I'm Oliver Douglas.

I'm very glad to meet you, doctor.

- Oh, well I'm not a doctor,

but I'm glad to know you too sir.

- Mr. Kimball.

- I'm just opening my practice here in Hooterville.

I'm a veterinarian.

- That means he's an animal doctor.

He treats animals.

Well he doesn't treat 'em,

he charges them like everybody else.

- Uh, yeah, well.

- Mr. Kimball is taking me around to meet for farmers.

I'm trying to get to know everybody.

- Oh, well, I'd like to talk to you but it'll

have to be some other time I'm due at Hooterville High

in about half an hour.

- Oh you wouldn't go to school dressed like that.

Have you got a suit with bell-bottom pants?

- No, I'm not going to school.

I'm just going to make a speech

on law to one of the classes.

- Oh, are you a lawyer?

- No, I'm a county agent.

What do you do?

- I'm a veterinarian.

- You are?

Boy, you're the second one I've met today, hm!

- Look if you'll excuse me.

- Where are you going?

- I told you, I'm going to Hooterville High

to make a speech on law as a profession.

- Oh, I'm going to make a speech to them next week

on agriculture as a career.

It's about agriculture as a career.

- Yeah, that's fine, now...

- I dug up a lot of facts and figures on that.

Well I didn't dig 'em up, I just sort of.

You know that soy beans only come in one sex?

- No I didn't.

- Yeah, most people don't know it.

Matter of fact, most soy beans don't know it.

But they keep right on getting married anyway.

- That's very interesting.

- What is?

- That, uh...

- Say do you think that soy beans might be

a little too racy for a mixed group?

- Well, I really...

- I talked about the same subject at the state college.

I used slides there.

They got an x-rating.

- Oh, well I want to see those slides.

- They're at the district attorney's office.

- Yes, it's been very nice meeting you doctor.

- Well it's been nice meeting you too sir.

And if you ever need a vet, Mr. Douglas,

be sure to call him.

- And you'll find that there are many fascinating

phrases of law which are open to you.

I practiced corporation law when I lived in New York City.

That's a very highly technical kind of law

but I found it very rewarding and I must say remunerative.

- Mr. Douglas, could I ask a question?

- Of course.

- If you found law so removerative.

- Remunerative.

- I know.

Well if it was, why did you give up law and move out here?

- Oh, that's a question many people have asked me.

It wasn't that I gave up law.

I gave up living in the city.

I always wanted to be a farmer.

- Well then why did you buy the Haney place?

- Well...

- Alfred why don't you be quiet and let Mr. Douglas talk?

- Yes, thank you, thank you.

Oh, the Haney farm isn't that bad.

There are thousands of other small farms just like it.

- Only they all have water.

- Yes, well... - And electricity.

- We have...

- And you don't have to climb a pole

to answer the phone either.

- Alfred, you're a creep.

- Just children, please, please please.

As I started to say, I bought a farm to satisfy

my love for growing things.

Eventually, I plan to start practicing law again.

Not corporation law, the kind of law I hope some of you

will one day practice, rural law.

The law of Abraham Lincoln, Daniel Webster.

There's a great need for lawyers in our farm areas.

There's nothing more gratifying than.

Look, I hope you'll all consider law as a profession.

Young lady, don't you have another class?

- Yes sir, but I'd much rather sit here and listen to you.

- Well that's very kind of you.

- You make law sound so fascinating.

- Oh?

Well do you have any questions?

- Just one.

- Yes?

- Are you married?

- How many children were there in the class?

- Oh, I don't know, 10, 12.

- Did they like your speech?

- Yes, I think that they, as a matter of fact

one of the students was very compliment, ment.

Uh, one of the students was...

- Would you like to have some lemonade?

- Lemonade, that's what you're making?

- Well they're lemons aren't they?

- Yes, but you have to squeeze 'em.

- No no no, they stay fresher this way.

- Oh.

- What did you say to the children?

- Oh, well, I, at first I introduced myself

to the class, you know?

And then I said...

- Would you rather have some sauerkrautade?

- Sauerkraut?

Lisa, I thought you wanted to hear what I said to to class.

- Oh, I'm sorry darling, go right ahead.

- Well, I told 'em law is a fascinating...

- Your suit came back from the cleaners.

- Good.

Law is a fascinating...

- They lost the pockets.

- How could the cleaner lose the pockets?

- Oh, the cleaners didn't lose the pockets.

It was the laundry.

- The laundry?

- You see, the pockets got dirty and I cut them out

and I sent them to the laundry.

- You shouldn't have to do that.

When they dry clean the suit they dry clean the pockets.

- Not if the pockets are at the laundry.

- Oh for the love of... - Hey, Mr. Douglas.

How did your speech go?

- Fine.

- What did you say?

- Well I told the class...

- Oh, before I forget,

your pockets came back from the laundry.

- I don't believe this.

I just don't believe it.

- What about your speech, what did you say?

- Oh, he told the children that law is a fascinating.

- A fascinating what?

- I don't know.

That's all he said.

- Huh, that's not much of a speech.

- Look if you'd just let me finish it, huh?

I, I...

- Boy, this is the best lemonade I ever tasted!

- See.

- But it's not as good as your sauerkrautade.

- See.

- That's yummy for the tummy.

- See.

- Will you two excuse me?

- Where are you going?

- To sew my pockets back in my pants.

- Oh, hello there!

Mr. Douglas has a thing for clean porches.

- Then this is his home.

This is where he practices the law

of Abraham Lincoln and Daniel Webster.

- Yes, and it's also where he makes a mess in the bathroom.

- Oh are you his housekeeper?

- Among other things.

- How long have you worked for him?

- Ever since we were married.

- Oh, you're his wife.

- Yes.

- Funny, somehow I thought he'd

be married to somebody much younger.

- Up to now it's been nice talking to you.

- Oh I didn't mean that you were old.

In fact you're very young looking for your age.

- All I did was come out to vacuum the front porch.

- Your husband spoke to our class.

Oh, he's so brilliant and fascinating,

so convincing and debonair and sophisticated

and just plain old dreamy.

- That's my husband, plain and old and dreamy.

- After hearing him talk I've decided

to make law my life's work.

Do you think he'd mind if I asked him a few questions

about how one goes about becoming a lawyer?

- Oh, I'm sure he'd be very happy to.

- Is he home?

- Yes, he's in the bedroom sewing

his pockets back in his pants.

- Sewing his?

- Come on in, come on.

- Thank you.

- Oliver, Oliver!

- Lisa how do you sew a pocket, oh oh.

- This young lady wants to talk to you.

- Oh yes, yes, you're uh... - Kathy Baxter.

- Kathy, yes, of course.

- You remembered my name.

Oh, yes well.

What can I do for you?

- I want to be a lawyer like you.

- Oh?

When did you decide that?

- After your talk.

- You made law sound so groovy.

- Groovy?

- When Dr. Fletcher spoke to our class I wanted to be

a psychiatrist but everybody just,

everybody's a psychiatrist.

But law, that's so uh...

- Groovy.

- That's exactly what I was going to say.

Isn't it wonderful when you meet somebody

whose mind works just like yours?

- Yes, yes.

Lisa, maybe Kathy would like a cold drink?

- What would you like, lemonade or sauerkrautade?

- How about a glass of milk?

- Oh, that would be groovy.

- I'll be right back.

- Your wife is charming, what a delightful accent.

Polish, isn't she?

- No, she's Hungarian.

- Isn't that the same thing?

- Oh, no, not exactly, it's just...

- Here you are.

There you are.

- Thank you.

Do you think milk is a childish drink?

- Oh, no, I drink it quite often.

- You do?

We seem to have so many things in common.

- Uh Kathy, what can I do to help you?

- Oh, just tell me everything you know about law.

- It's very complicated.

- Oh I have plenty of time.

- Well, oh say, I have a very fine book

over here that might help you.

It's called An Introduction to Law.

I used it in college.

- Oh, your very own college book

and you're lending it to me?

Oh I'll take very good care of it I promise.

Oh and I'll bring it right back.

- Oh, no hurry at all, take your time.

- Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Bye.

- Bye.

- Well, it looks like you have your first schoolgirl crush.

She's smitten on you.

- Oh, she's not smitten on me, with me.

How could she be?

She just saw me once.

- Have you ever been a girl of 16?

- Of course not.

- Well I was, and I remember how I felt when I was 16.

- How many years were you 16?

- Look, I had enough with Ms. Groovy without you.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess you Polish girls are sensitive

about things like that.

- What Polish girls?

- Oh, Lisa.

How about starting dinner?

Let's forget this whole silly thing.

- Well you can forget it, and I can forget it,

but believe me she is not going to forget it.

- Hi Kathy.

- Alfred do you have to be so juvenile?

- Oh, what did I do?

- That car, it's horrible!

- What do you mean?

I just paid six bucks to have it painted.

- Don't you ever wear a tie?

- What for, we're just going to the movies?

- Are we?

- Well we had a date.

They're showing a swell flick, The Atomic Pizza.

- Oh, how infantile.

- Well you liked the one we saw last week,

The Human Hamburger Goes to Hawaii.

Come on, let's go.

- I'm sorry but there are more important

things in life than movies.

- Like what?

- One's career.

- Oh, I see, you're still on the psychiatrist kick.

- No.

- You've gone back to being a bacteriologist.

- No.

- A nurse?

- I'm going to be a lawyer.

- Oh that's right, Mr. Douglas was the last cat

who spoke to our class.

- Why don't you go away,

I have a lot of intensive reading to do.

- Well what about our date?

- Find some teenager who will appreciate somebody

with your mentality!

- I'm going steady with a freak-out.

- Oliver, Oliver.

- Hm?

- Are you ready?

- Where are we going?

- To the movies.

- What's playing?

- The Atomic Pizza.

- The Atomic...

- It's about this scientist who is in love

with this Italian girl who owns her own pizza parlor,

but she doesn't like him and so to get even with her,

he pours some radioactive stuff on her pizza.

This makes the pepperonis grow and before you know it,

the pepperonis rule the world.

- Oh, that sounds like a real jim dandy.

- It's made by the same studio that made

The Human Hamburger Goes to Hawaii.

Remember that?

Where the hamburger was born with a brain...

- All right, all right, I'll go.

- Oh, you're a good sport.

I'll get your coat.

- Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, it's... - I hope I'm not intruding.

- Well we were just about...

- I finished your book.

- I just gave it to you this afternoon.

- I couldn't put it down it was just darling.

- Darling?

- Coming, sweetheart!

- Oh, I wasn't darling you.

- Hello, Kathy.

- Mrs. Douglas, don't you look just beautiful

with all that makeup on.

- I should have stayed in the bedroom.

- Mr. Douglas, I have so many questions to ask you.

What college do you think I should go to?

- Well Kathy, we were just about to leave.

We're going to the movies.

- What movie were you going to see?

- Atomic Pizza.

- Oh, I've been dying to see that.

I begged Alfred to take me but...

- Well, why don't you come with us.

- Oh no, I'm sure she wouldn't care to...

- Oh, I'd adore to.

- Well wouldn't you have to call your parents?

- Mr. Douglas I'm not a child.

I have my own house key and everything.

- Well, then let's go.

- Lisa, why did you have to...

- If you're going to break up a crush,

let her get a good look at you eating popcorn.

- How come you sent to see that movie with him

but you wouldn't go to see it with me?

- I don't have to explain anything to you.

- We're going steady aren't we?

- Steady, how childish.

- You didn't think it was very childish

when I gave you my class pin.

- Well you may have it back.

- Oh, not again.

Every time somebody talks to our class

you end up with a crush and I get my pin back.

- This is not a crush.

This time it's the real thing.

- Oh boy, you stole that line right out of

The Human Hamburger.

- Alfred will you please go about your business?

- I certainly will!

- Hello there.

- Oh, does Mr. Douglas live here?

- Yes.

- What are you, his daughter?

- Ooh, what a nice young man.

Come on, come on in.

- My name is Alfred Newton.

- I'm Lisa Douglas.

- Oh, what a way-out name.

- You dig it, huh?

- Can I speak to your father?

- Why you're getting nicer every minute.

Darling, there is somebody here to see you.

- Who are you calling?

Oh, hello.

- Papa, this is Alfred Newton.

- Uh, yes yes, you were that...

- You must feel pretty proud of yourself

getting Kathy to fall for you.

- Well I didn't...

- You should be ashamed of yourself!

How would you like it if your daughter

went out with a man as old as you?

- My daughter!

- Give the groovy boy a blank check, papa.

- Look will you stop calling me papa.

This is my wife!

- Oh, you sure like 'em young don't ya?

- Look!

- I bet she's not much older than I am.

- Mm, maybe three years.

- Lisa will you...

- What does Kathy see in you?

- Oh, she thinks he's brilliant, fascinating,

debonair, sophisticated.

- And plain old dreamy?

- Well, yes, yes.

- That's what she said about all the other guys

that talked to our class.

The doctor, the biologist, the psychiatrist, the engineer.

I never saw it to fail.

She gets a crush on any one of you old guys.

And so far you're the oldest.

- Now, look you little!

- Try the counting bit, one two three four.

- Alfred, I'm not interested in your girlfriend!

- Well she's hung up on you, and you better do something

about it because there's a big prom coming up

and I don't want to have to take my brother!

- What now, old man?

- Now stop calling me...

- Well I guess what it sows for your gander

isn't good for your goose.

- What does that mean?

- Well, what are you going to do now?

- I don't know.

What do you do about a kid that falls

for every old man that, I mean every man that lectures to...

Yeah.

- What does that mean?

- Oh no, Dr. Livermore, I think it's a great way

to get to know the people around here,

through their children.

Yes, I'm sure Mr. Wurthwaxer would be glad

to have you talk to the class.

No no, don't thank me.

No, I'm more than glad to do it.

Right, bye bye.

- Don't you feel a little pinky

about what you did to the doctor?

- Maybe a little bit but...

- I hope it works because I'm getting tired

of being battered with that senior citizen stuff.

- Well, even if it doesn't work, the kids ought to

enjoy hearing about how to become a veterinarian.

- Yes, there's a tremendous need for veterinarians

in the rural areas and I'm sure you will find that working...

Young lady, don't you have another class?

- Yes sir, but I'd much rather sit here and listen to you.

- That's very kind of you.

- You make being a veterinarian sound so fascinating.

- Oh, do you have any questions?

- Just one.

- Yes?

- Are you married?

This has been a Filmways Presentation, darling.