Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dahling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

You'd be more comfortable if you slept on the couch.

- You fizzle head!

- Oliver, you'd be more comfortable if you slept

on the couch.

- I wasn't...

- You should have seen what was going on in town.

There was a big parade, and somebody made a speech,

and they closed the high school for the rest of the day.

- What happened?

- You got a special delivery letter.

- What?

- Isn't it exciting?

- It sure is.

It's the first special delivery letter that's been received

in Hooterville since Jack Barnum wrote to Carl Bailey

asking him if he wanted to go into the circus business.

- Who are they?

- Surely you've heard of the Jack and Carl circus.

- Eb, may I please have the letter?

- I haven't got it.

- Where is it?

- It's still at Drucker's.

- Well why didn't you bring it?

- Mr. Drucker says he has to deliver it in person.

- Well, when is he gonna deliver it?

- Thursday, that's special delivery day.

- Oh, for... - Well who was it from?

- I don't know, Mr. Drucker wouldn't let me get near it.

But it was a big official looking envelope.

- Oliver, maybe you've been drafted.

- Oh, it's impossible.

- No sir, they're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

- Look Eb... - For World War One.

- Eb, if you don't know...

- I bet I know who the letter is from.

The Department of Infernal Revenue.

- Infernal?

- You know, the ones you're always cheating.

- I don't cheat.

- Then why did they send you special delivery letter?

- We don't know who sent it.

- You will Thursday when Mr. Drucker delivers it.

- I'm not waiting till Thursday.

I'm going in and picking it up now.

- You can't do that.

- Why not?

- It's on display for the thousands of people

who've never seen a special delivery letter.

People are lined up for miles, excursion buses

are coming in.

The airlines are flying special charter planes, and...

- Come on, Lisa.

- Well, if it isn't from the draft board,

or the Infernal Revenue, who do you think it's from?

- I haven't the... - Oh I know.

I bet it's from that bookie you owe money to.

- I don't owe any bookie any...

No, I paid him.

- Maybe it's from...

- Lisa, will you stop worrying?

It's probably nothing.

- Then why did they send it special delivery?

- I'll know that as soon as we get to Drucker's.

- Well it must be bad news.

- Oh for...

- I remember when we lived in Hungary, my father got

a special delivery letter telling him he was

no longer the king.

- Your father wasn't the king.

- Not after he got that letter, he wasn't.

We had to move out of the palace, and he got a job

as a waiter in an Italian restaurant.

He had to go to school at night to learn a new accent.

- Lisa, will you just relax?

- And while my father was working in the restaurant,

you know what my poor mother had to do?

She had to take...

- Oh good afternoon, folks.

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker.

- Say, you missed a parade.

- Parade?

- Yeah, well they closed down the high school,

and there was speeches.

- You mean Eb wasn't kidding?

- Oh no, sir.

This happens every year, to celebrate the founding

of the Jack and Carl circus.

- This town is absolutely... Is that...

What are you doing?

- Dusting my pickles.

- Dusting your...

- Oh well these are just plastic pickles.

Keeps people from swiping 'em.

I got a barrel full of the real ones out back.

How many do you want?

- Ah, Mr. Drucker, I heard you had a special

delivery letter for me.

- Oh yes, sir.

- Why would plastic pickles be more expensive?

- I don't do much repeat business with them.

- Could I please have the letter?

- Oh yes, sir.

- What do the plastic pickles taste like?

- Doggone if I know.

- May I have my letter, please?

- Letter?

Oh yeah, your letter.

Say, you know that's the first special delivery letter

we got since Jack Barnum wrote to Carl Bailey...

- I heard this story.

- Oh, well, it's too bad you missed that parade.

- The letter?

- Oh, here you are.

- Alright, thank...

Well, Mr. Drucker, this letter isn't for me.

It's for Mr. Kimball.

- Let me see that.

Doggone, I must have given him your letter by mistake.

- Oh, how could you do a thing like that?

- Well, you know Hank.

He can confuse anybody.

- Well, what about my letter?

- Well, if you just wait till Monday...

- Monday?

- Yeah, that's misdelivery day.

That's the day I go around exchanging all

the letters I've misdelivered.

- Eh, never mind.

I'll go over to Kimball's and get it myself.

- Then would you mind giving him this?

- Oh sure, yes of course.

Come on, Lisa.

- Mr. Drucker, I don't think I'll take any

of the plastic pickles.

They don't taste very good.

- Huh.

Huh, huh, huh.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello there.

I'll be right with you.

- What is he looking at in the microphone?

- The microscope.

- Very interesting specimen.

Care to look at it through the microphone?

- Now see, he called it a microphone.

- I don't care what he called it.

- It's a specimen of a female corn borer.

- Oh?

- Like to see what one looks like?

- Say, yes, I certainly would.

What the...

- Those corn borers are really built, huh?

Now, what can I do for ya?

- Oh, Mr. Drucker said that he gave you a...

- Mr. Kimball, what are these?

- Oh, that's my fruit fly collection.

Yeah, I've been a fruit fly fan for years.

- What's a flew fly flan?

- Uh, no no, it's a flute fly flam.

Or is it a flew flum flop?

No, I believe it's a flee flew flip.

- Mr. Ki...

- I used to collect she sells by the seashore.

- Seashells.

- Flop flip flap?

- Show shells by the shoe store?

- Flick flock flew.

- Look, perhaps I can straighten this out.

Mr. Kimball is a fruit fly fan.

And you collected seashells by the seashore.

And that we've cleared that up, I'd like my special

ledivery detter did...

My sp-...

Do you have it?

- Have what?

- His special ledivery detter.

- Special ledivery?

- Special delivery letter.

Mr. Drucker gave it to you by mistake,

and he gave me your letter.

- Oh, well that seems fair.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

- I want my letter.

- Letter, who was it from?

- I don't know.

- Then how do you know it was for you?

- Would you please pull your little mind together?

- How do I do that?

- I'm talking to him.

- How do I do that?

- Mr. Kimball.

Did Mr. Drucker give you a letter this morning?

- Yes, he did.

- Now, what did you do with it?

- Oh well, let's see.

I gave it to Fred Ziffel.

- Why did you give it to him?

- Well, he said he'd be going by your house later,

and he'd drop it off.

- Thank you very much.

Come on, Lisa.

- Hey, just a minute, just a minute, here.

What about my letter?

- You have it in your hand.

- Well how'd it get there?

- Goodbye, Mr. Kimball!

- Uh, bye.

Ah, doggone it.

I shoulda given him this to mail for me.

Oh, well.

- Mr. Douglas.

- Eb, you're supposed to be working.

- How can I work until I know what was in your

special ledivery detter?

- I don't know, I didn't get it yet.

- Didn't Mr. Ziffel bring it over here?

- No Ma'am.

How did Mr. Ziffel get it?

- Well, Mr. Drucker gave it by mistake to Mr. Kimball,

and Mr. Kimball gave it to Mr. Ziffel,

to bring it over to Mr. Douglas.

- Golly, what a suspenseful story of Mr. Douglas

and the United States Mail.

Will he ever get his letter?

What mysterious message does it contain?

Is it from one of his former wives,

threatening to expose him?

- What former wife?

- Or maybe it's a message from your mother

with your allowance check.

- Will you please get to work?

- Yes sir.

If you want me, I'll be out in the cornfield

looking for female corn borers.

- Ooh, that...

- Oliver, aren't you going over to Mr. Ziffel

to get the letter?

- Oh, he'll bring it over himself.

He's a very reliable man.

- What are ya lookin' at, Fred?

- Marathon movie matinee.

- When did it go on?

- September the 12th, 1965.

- You know Fred, when I married you,

I didn't think you had a sense of humor.

It's taken me 25 years to find out I was right.

- Doris, I'm trying to watch the movie.

Will you stop flappin' your gums?

- Well what about that special delivery letter

you were supposed to take over to Mr. Douglas?

- Just soon as this is over.

- When will that be?

- 1989.

- Fred, if I wasn't a prisoner of love,

I'd walk out on you.

Now you oughtta get over there, it's probably important.

Now, where's he going?

- To the Pixley Plunge for his swimming lesson.

Oh, give him a quarter.

- Give him a quarter, what for?

- So as he can get somethin' to eat with the other kids

after his swimmin' lesson.

- Doggone it, it cost a fortune to raise kids nowadays.

Oh, Arnold.

On your way to the station, drop this off at the Douglas'.

Now, no back talk.

Doggone kids.

You do everything for them, and then you ask them

to do something, they don't want to do it.

- Well, you were the one that wanted children.

- Lisa.

Yes?

- Oh, did Mr. Ziffel bring the letter over yet?

- No.

But I think I figured out who it is from.

- Who?

- Oliver, I'm sorry to tell you, but your bank ruptured.

- What?

- Well the letter is from the bank, and you are ruptured.

- Eh, Lisa...

- It must be from the bank, because the last time

you got a special delivery letter, it was from them

reminding you that you owe money on the note.

- I don't have any notes outstanding.

- Alright, Mr. Wise Guy.

Then who is the letter from?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- Well aren't you worried?

- Look, would it make you feel better if we took a ride

over to the Ziffels and get the letter?

- It certainly would.

- Let's go.

- Answer the door!

- I will, as soon as the next commercial comes on.

- Oh...

Well, howdy, Ms. Douglas!

- Oh, hello there, Mrs. Ziffel.

- Oh, Ms. Douglas, my, don't you look scrumptious.

- Why thank you.

- Did you make that dress yourself?

- No, it's a Christian Dior.

- Oh, I never got a catalog from them.

- Eh, Ms. Ziffel, do you think we could interrupt

Mr. Ziffel for a moment?

- Oh, sure.

- Now, what did you do that for?

- Watch it!

We got company.

- Why, hello, Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh hello there, Mr. Ziffel.

- You know, it's always a pleasure to see a woman

that looks like a woman.

- Oh, wait till they leave.

- Eh, Mr. Ziffel...

- What about that special delivery letter you've got?

You didn't go bank ruptured or nothin'?

- I never got the letter.

- Well we gave it to Arnold earlier this afternoon

to drop off at your place.

- He never brought it.

- He didn't?

Arnold, come in here.

- He's painting his room.

Isn't that an awful color?

- Arnold, what did you do with Mr. Douglas' letter?

Now, what did you want to go and do that for?

- What'd he say?

- He said he ate it.

No, he said he mailed it when he was over in Pixley.

Wish you'd stop slurring your words.

- What did you...

I mean, what did he mail it for?

- Uh, after he had his swimming lessons,

he went and had hamburgers with the kids.

And he didn't want to lose the letter,

so he put it in the mailbox.

- That was very smart of him.

- I don't think that was very smart.

- Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.

They probably got your letter

over at the Pixley Post Office.

- Let's go get it.

- Arnold says that the post office at Pixley

closes at five o'clock.

- Oh for the love of...

Well, then I'll go up there first thing in the morning.

Which window?

This one.

- Good morning, may I help you?

- Yes, I wanted to... - I'm with him.

- Um, Lisa, you...

- Well I just wanted him to know so that he doesn't think

that there is a long line.

- Fine now.

I want to talk to you about a special delivery letter.

- Special delivery?

That's window two.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Good morning, may I help you?

- He looks familiar.

Didn't we see him at the other window?

- Oh not me.

That's my twin brother.

- Your twin...

- What's with him?

- Look, uh, I wanted to inquire about

a special delivery letter.

Well, the rates have been changed, it'll cost...

- No, no.

I don't want to mail a letter.

I'm looking for a special delivery letter that

was sent to me.

My name is Douglas, Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- And I am Mrs. Douglas, Oliver Wendell Mrs. Douglas.

- Will you please...

- You'll have to go to window one.

- No, we were just... - Window one.

- Oh, for the love of...

Your brother told us...

- I don't have a brother.

Just a twin sister.

Now what can I do for you?

- Uh, I received a special delivery letter.

- From whom?

- I don't know, I didn't receive it.

- But you just said...

- If you'd just let me tell you the whole story...

- It's very interesting the way the whole thing happened.

You see, he got a special...

- Lisa, Lisa, why don't you go over and look at

the wanted posters?

See if your uncle is still up there.

- Your uncle is wanted?

- No no, he just makes things up like that.

You see...

- Oh.

You were saying, sir.

- This special delivery letter was sent to

the Hooterville Post Office, and Mr. Drucker...

- He's the Postmaster.

- Yes, I know him, he's a very nice man.

- Oh yes, he's one of the nicest men I ever met.

- He's real... - Ahem.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Go right ahead.

- Thank you.

Anyway, Mr. Drucker gave the letter

to Mr. Kimball by mistake.

Mr. Kimball gave it to Mr. Ziffel,

who was supposed to bring the letter over to my farm.

But instead, he gave it to his pig, who came up here

to Pixley to take his swimming lesson, and he mailed it.

- The pig mailed it?

- Yes.

- I see what you mean, honey.

- Look, where could the letter be now?

- Why don't you ask at window four?

- Uh huh.

Well there is no window four.

- I'm sure you'll imagine one.

- Look, just answer this.

If somebody put a letter in the mailbox here in Pixley

yesterday afternoon, where would it be now?

- It was probably put on the cannon ball

and taken back to Hooterville.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Haney.

- Mrs. Douglas and Mr. Douglas, a good morning to you both.

- Mr. Haney, are you feeling all right?

- Tip top, why?

- You didn't try to sell us anything.

- Mr. Douglas, it would be unethical for me to park

in front of Sam's store and try and sell you something

whilst his store is open.

- Oliver, the store is closed.

- In that case, I'm open.

Now, how can I be of service to you?

- You can tell us why Mr. Drucker's store is closed.

- He's out.

That'll be 15 cents.

- For what?

- For answering your question.

- You want me to pay you for answering a question?

- Yes.

That'll be another 15 cents.

Now, will there be anything else you want to know,

before I total up your bill?

- Do you know where he went?

- Yes, I do.

- Uh, how come you didn't charge my wife

for answering her question?

Well, it's ladies day.

- When will Mr. Drucker be back?

- What did she say?

- She said, "When will Mr. Drucker be back?"

- Later.

You notice, I just charged you ten cents for that,

'cause it was a second hand question.

- Oliver!

Oliver, I think I see the letter in our mailbox.

- I can't see anything.

Care to buy a pair of Japanese opera glasses?

Made for the emperor himself, to watch Japanese operas with.

- How much are they?

- 47 yen, which according to the current

rate of exchange is $47.

- I'm not buying...

- Perhaps you'd like to rent 'em at 5 yen per hour,

which at the current rate of exchange is $62.

You see, the rate of exchange keeps fluctuating.

- I'll give you a quarter for them.

- I'll take it.

- We sure have had a lot of fluctuating today.

- I can't see a thing.

- Oliver, why don't we just go in?

- We can't, the store is locked.

- Could I interest you in a professional lock picking kit?

- Lock picking?

- It bears the good house breaking seal of approval.

- Oh, I'm not picking any locks!

- Then perhaps you'd like one of these

patented window smashers.

- This model is endorsed by the FBI,

the federal burglars' institute.

- Look, will you...

- Would you care for a $10 demonstration?

Haney!

- Uh oh.

- I don't want... - You're just in time.

Mr. Douglas was gonna break in to your store.

- I wasn't!

- Is there any reward?

- No.

Haney, how many times have I told you not to park

in front of my store and cut into my business?

- Sam, I only open my store when yours is closed.

- I'm open.

- And I'm closed.

See, I ain't hard to get along with.

- Mr. Drucker, about that special delivery letter.

- Oh yes, it came in on a cannon ball

from Pixley this morning.

- Where is it?

- Well, I just took it out to your house

and left it with Eb.

- Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Drucker brought your letter over and left it with me.

- Oh, fine.

May I please have it?

- Do you have any identification?

- What do I need...

- Mr. Drucker swore me in as an assistant special

delivery deliverer, and gave me strict orders to be sure

and give it to the person it's addressed to.

- Eb, if you don't...

- Now, do you have anything to prove that you're

Mrs. Oliver Wendell Douglas?

- I don't... Mrs.?

- That's what the assistant delivery deliverer said.

Mrs.

- You mean all this time it's been for you,

and I've been...

- May I have the envelope please?

- Here you are, ma'am.

- Doesn't she need any identification?

- No, she looks honest.

- Oh, you... - Fine.

Well, you finally did it to me.

- I did what?

- Boy, when you go on a fink spree, you go all the way.

- What are you talking about?

- Thanks to you, I missed it.

- You missed what?

You are cordially invited to attend a special sale

of chinchilla coats at LaRue Frers.

- What's a frer?

- It's French for brother.

- Do you notice when the sale was?

Yesterday.

- Oh, frer!

- No wonder you were stalling, you didn't want me

to get the letter.

You made Mr. Drucker give it to Mr. Kimball,

and Mr. Kimball gave it to Mr. Ziffel.

- Oh Lisa, I didn't.

- You didn't want me to go to New York,

because you didn't want me to get the coat.

Because you're a cheapskate with a capital cheap.

- I repeat, oh frer.

- Oh Lisa!

- It'll be interesting to see how he lies

his way out of this one.

- Lisa.

- Don't touch me.

- I want to talk to you.

- Talk to my lawyer.

- I'm your lawyer.

- Then talk to yourself.

- Lisa, now you're being unreasonable.

I didn't know what was in the letter.

I didn't even know it was for you.

- That's your story.

- Now you're being silly.

I'm going to go to sleep.

- Now you're being silly.

Because nobody's going to go to sleep until

this thing is settled.

- Lisa, would it make you happy if I said

I'd buy you a chinchilla coat?

- No, it wouldn't.

- What?

- There is no sense in buying anything unless it's on sale.

Any shnook can walk in and pay retail.

A woman isn't a woman unless she's 30% off.

- Oh, well then you're a woman, alright.

Because you're more than 30% off.

You're more like 70% off.

- Well!

- Where are you going?

- To make some coffee.

Because this is going to be a long night, Wendell.

This has been

a Filmways presentation, darling.