Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just gimme that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin', I love ya, but gimme Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Time Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas. - Hi, Alf.

Hello Ralph.

- Howdy doody, poopsie.

It beats me how you can look so sexy any hour of the day.

- Ralph, will you... - Still married, honey?

- Yes.

- Well, if your wife ever throws ya out,

I'll be there to catch ya, honey.

- That's a very comforting thought.

Now, will you excuse me?

- Oh, youth before beauty.

Or is it beauty before youth?

- What difference does it make?

You don't fit either one of 'em.

- How would you like a judo chop?

- Take this.

- Nothing personal.

- How do you like that, Mr. Douglas?

- Well, it's...

- We're working for the county road sign department.

I paint the signs and he puts 'em up.

- Did you paint that?

- What?

- That sign on the door.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I painted that.

- You spelled road wrong.

- Where?

- Right there.

Road is R-O-A-D.

- Then what's R-O-D-E?

- Rode.

- Then what's the problem?

- Well, the problem is that...

- We painted a new railroad crossing sign.

- Cawshun? That's not spelled right, either.

- I told you it began with a K.

- It doesn't begin with a K.

- Which side of the track do you think we oughta put it on?

- Well, why don't you put it in the middle?

Maybe the train'll run over it.

- What's that?

We made you a new Hooterville sign.

- It's wrong.

- Didn't I put enough O's in Hooterville?

- You got our pop wrong, and our El wrong.

- What do you mean?

- This ain't a pop 48 town, and it ain't an El 23.

- Who's gonna know?

- I will.

- It's going up as writ.

- Oh no it ain't.

You can't put up a sign false advertisin' Hooterville.

- Those are the figures we got.

- Well, they're wrong.

- Sam, that sign's been changed 10 times in the last year.

- Yeah, Hooterville started out pop 68,

then it went to pop 62, then to pop 54,

then last week they told us you were pop 48.

- Well, we're pop 46 now.

The two Enfield kids left town, didn't they, Mr. Douglas?

- Well, yes...

- And another thing, we're down to El 18.

- How'd the El...

I mean, how can the elevation change?

- Hooterville is subject to sinkin' spells.

- Sinking?

- Look, Sam, suppose we redo the sign,

leave the numbers blank, and then you can chalk in

your own pop and El.

- Fair enough.

- Come on, let's put up the caution sign.

- Stick around, toots.

I'm off duty soon and I can drive ya home.

- I've got a car.

- Oh, then how about drivin' me home?

- Come on, Ralph.

- Mr. Drucker, I didn't realize the population

of Hooterville has been dropping so much.

- Oh, it sure has.

All the young people are moving away to the city.

Pretty soon there won't be anybody left here

except us old folks.

- I beg your pardon?

- Oh, I didn't mean you.

- Why are they leaving?

- Well I guess the kids just don't wanna be farmers no more.

- Why not? This is a great life.

Fresh air, sunshine, watching the crops grow.

What more do they want?

- Shorter hours and more pay.

- A couple of months in that rat race of a city

and the exodus will stop.

- Well, nobody's ever come back yet.

Everybody's exodussing and nobody's is insodussing.

- Can you imagine, last year there were 68 people

living in Hooterville.

This year, the entire population is 46.

- Why so many? - Lisa...

- Well, I don't blame the kids for leaving.

- But Hooterville is their home.

- Oliver, when you are young no place is your home.

- That's a very philosophical statement.

- It is? - Yeah.

- Who said it? - You did.

- Oh, you must have made me mad or something.

I remember when I was a kid in Hungary.

I always used to say to my father, the king,

"My father, the king," I used to say to him.

- Your father was never a king.

- Then why did we live in a castle?

- You never lived in a castle.

- Then why did the knights come over for dinner?

- What knights?

- Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, but not Thursday,

because that was the maid's night out.

Or was that when the knights made out?

- What has that got to do

with the young people leaving Hooterville?

- I was coming to that.

You see when my father was the king...

- Oh, Mr. Douglas. - Yes?

- I'm Horace Colby, I have a farm

about four miles down the road.

- This is my wife, this is Mr. Colby.

- Howdy, ma'am. - Howdy.

Won't you sit down?

- Oh, thank you.

Say, this is a nice place you got here.

- It is?

- Say, I've seen your farm, beautiful place.

- Oh, yes, the charming gray house with the red shutters?

- No, ma'am, that's the chickenhouse.

- Oh, then the house is the big white building

with the green door?

- No, ma'am, that's the barn.

- Well, I thought the barn was

that old broken down building

with the chewing tobacco sign painted on the side of it.

- No, ma'am, that's the house.

That's what I came to talk to ya about.

- Well, we don't chew tobacco.

- I'm talkin' about the farm, I wanna sell it.

- We'll buy it.

- Lisa... - We can live in the barn.

It's probably nicer than this.

- Will you...

- Or the chickenhouse, even with the chickens in it.

- Lisa, why don't you bring Mr. Colby some iced coffee?

- I'll get it for you.

- Mr. Colby, I'm surprised you wanna sell your farm.

- Well, I don't really wanna sell it.

But I just ain't gonna be able to handle it no more.

You see, my two sons has helped me farm it,

and they're plannin' now on movin' away to the city.

They think they can do better there.

- Oh, I don't think that's true.

- Well, whether it's true or not,

all their friends are goin' and they don't wanna stay.

- That's quite a problem.

- I don't need you to point that out to me.

I know it's quite a problem.

- Yes...

- Now, if all the young folks keep leavin',

there ain't gonna be anybody left around here

except old folks like you and me.

- Well, I'm really not that...

- In a way, I don't blame the boys for leavin'.

Now me, I've been farmin' it all my life.

Gettin' up at four in the mornin', doing the milkin',

workin' in the fields all day in the hot sun,

and at night, well I'm so beat I don't even have the energy

to put on my earphones and listen to Myrt and Marge.

- Did you say Myrt and Marge?

- Yeah, they replaced The Great Gildersleeve.

No sir, I just don't think

I can handle the place all by myself.

- Why don't you hire somebody to help you do the work?

- Hire somebody?

You can't even marry somebody to help you with it.

- Well...

- Anyway, I thought you might be a likely buyer for my farm.

- Well...

- Funny, talkin' to ya face to face this way,

you don't seem to be as cracked as everybody says ya are.

- I am not... - I can give ya a good buy.

You won't get stung with my place

like ya got stung on this one.

- I didn't get stung.

- Oh, yes you did.

- I did not.

What is that?

- Iced coffee.

Do you want me to open the can?

- Lisa, you're supposed to brew the coffee with water first.

- Oh, you want the vet kind.

- Yes, the vet kind.

- No, never mind, Mrs. Douglas, I'm on my way.

Now you think about what I said,

and if you're interested I'll dicker ya a good deal.

- What did he mean, dicker you?

- Oh, that's the way they talk in the country.

- Oh, didn't anybody ever dicker you in the city?

- Of course, he wants to sell me his farm,

because he can't handle it anymore.

His sons are leaving to go to the city.

- That sounds like a couple of smart kids.

- Lisa, this is a serious problem.

It's not only happening here,

but it's happening in farm communities

all over the United States.

What's going to happen to the farms

if everybody just moves away and leaves 'em?

Who's gonna produce the food to feed everybody?

- You're asking the wrong person.

I'm just an expert on mink coats.

- That has nothing... - And diamonds.

- It's surprising to me that towns like Hooterville

don't take steps to keep their young people on the farms.

- And you're the fellow that's going to do it.

- Well, I hadn't thought about it,

but now that you mention it, it might be a good idea

to call a special town meeting to discuss the whole matter.

- Oliver, why do you always have to be a goo-dooder?

- I'm not a goo-dooder, I'm goo-googer, dooger goo...

I'm a do-gooder.

- Oliver, don't get mixed up in it.

- Why not?

- Because every time you open your mouth,

you end up getting a shiv shoved into it.

Quiet, please, quiet.

That means you too, Arnold.

- He just wants to know if he can go out to the car

and get his crossword puzzle.

- His crossword puzzle?

- Okay, Arnold.

I now declare this emergency meetin'

of the Hooterville township to be in session.

- What's the emergency?

- Well, that'll be explained to us by Mr. Douglas,

who requested the meetin'.

- He requested it? - Yeah.

I just remembered some real unimportant stuff I gotta do.

- Set down, Haney.

Folks, I'd like to present to you

the town's leading goo-dooder, Mr. Douglas.

- Friends and neighbors, I'll get right to the point.

- Yeah, we've heard that before.

- Fred you're outta order.

- Look, the reason I asked to have this meeting

is because we're faced with a real crisis.

- Arnold, will you please be quiet?

- He's just apologizin' for interrupting.

- That's all right, that's all right.

- As long as things have ground to a stop,

Arnold wants to know if anybody's got a pencil.

- Here.

But be sure I get it back.

That's an official government pencil.

- Now please, may I continue?

What I started to say was that the young people

of our community are leaving our farms

to go and live in the city.

Now, in the last six months,

approximately 18% of our labor force has left Hooterville.

Our problem is twofold.

First, how can we get them to stay?

And, failing this, how can we replace them?

- Anybody know a three letter word for actor?

Ham.

Oh, I'm sorry, Arnold, but we've all gotta go sometime.

- May we please get back to the business at hand?

- I'd like to talk about the ham business.

- Yes, Mr. Kimball.

As I understand the problem...

Well, I don't really understand it.

What is the problem?

- How do we replace the young people

who are leaving our farms?

- That is a problem.

- Yes, now does anybody have any ideas

about what we should do?

- Yeah, let's all go home and listen

to The Great Gildersleeve.

- Oh, he's been replaced by Myrt and Marge.

- There's a perfect example

what your government does for ya.

It puts two people to work where only one worked before.

- Look, may we please stick to the subject?

What are we going to do

about the young people leaving the farms?

- The department of agriculture's done something about it.

- Oh, what've they done?

- Well, they issued several bulletins on the subject.

Thank you.

- Bulletins from the department of agriculture

aren't gonna solve anything.

- Mr. Douglas, would you like to retract that statement?

- No, I wouldn't.

- Then you can expect a hairy letter

from the chief in the morning.

- I don't care, let him...

- Contrary to public opinion, our people in Washington

are well aware of what's going on.

They're not just a bunch of ostriches.

At least, I don't think they're a bunch of ostriches.

'Course, I've never seen 'em

with their heads outta the sand.

- Oh, for the love of...

- You know, I read somewhere that the only way farms

can survive is through mechanization.

The farm of the future will be run by pressing buttons.

- Look, our problem is today.

We have to find out what it will take

to keep the young people here

on the farms where they belong.

- Well, how you gonna do that?

- Well, I suggest a committee to talk to the young people.

- Mr. Douglas, you gotta good idea there.

- Thank you, now...

- All those in favor of namin' Mr. Douglas

a committee to talk to the young people,

signify by raising your hand.

- No, no, no, no, I didn't...

- Mr. Douglas, you're a committee.

- Well, they shoved the whole shiv in you again last night.

- They didn't...

- I told you not to be a do-gooder.

- A goo-dudder. A do, gooder gooder, a google...

- Good morning. - Oh, morning.

- Good morning, Eb.

- Well, I hear they shoved the old shiv

into ya again last night.

Mind if I have some coffee?

- Help yourself.

- It's kinda weak this mornin'.

- Weak?

- Yeah, I liked it better yesterday, when it was solid.

- The do-gooder doesn't like it that way.

- Why not?

There's nothin' better than a crispy, crunchy cup of coffee.

- Eb, eat some cereal or something, let's get to work.

- When are you gonna question me

about why I'm goin' to the big city?

- Eb, you're not going away, too?

- No ma'am, I just said that to make his nibs turn pale.

- Look, Eb, you know most of the young people

around here, don't you?

- Yes, sir.

I got quite a reputation as a mingler.

- That's right, he does.

- Have you got any ideas that might keep

the young fellas interested in staying here?

- I'm glad you asked me.

I drew up a list, which I will be glad to read to ya.

- Eb, I'm not interested in...

- Things that can be done to keep the young fellers

interested in staying here, by Eb the Mingler.

Number one, free turtle food.

- Free... - Yes, sir.

A lot of us have pet turtles,

and it's very expensive feeding 'em.

- Well, that's no...

- Number two, drag racing on alternate Mondays and Fridays.

- Drag racing?

- Yes, sir, to see how fast guys can run in girls' clothes.

- Look, forget those silly...

- If you think these are silly,

wait 'til you hear the other 48.

- Just get to the crux of it.

- What's a crux? - The heart of it.

- Oh, one of those heart cruxes.

- Yeah, one of those.

Eb, do your friends ever complain

that they work too hard on a farm?

- All the time.

- You mean that they want shorter hours and longer pay?

- Yes, ma'am.

You see, in the city, they only have to work

eight hours a day, and they get Saturday,

Sunday, and Hong Kong Flu off.

- Don't they get Hong Kong Flu off here?

- Only if it falls on a Saturday or Sunday.

- Eb, will you please...

- I think the biggest hangup is that

when the kids get through work,

the only recreation they have is going to Mr. Druckers store

and bettin' on which fly is gonna land on his head.

- Is that legal in this state?

- Look, how would I...

- For a time, they used to go up to Pixley

to that topless restaurant,

and then somebody spoiled it by puttin' the roof back on it.

- There is always one in every crowd.

- Look, suppose the town were to set up

some kind of a youth recreation center, would that help?

- It depends on what kind of recreation you had in mind.

- How about girls? - I'll stay!

- Suppose it had a pool table, ping pong,

a jukebox for dancing.

- That sounds like fun.

I never danced with a jukebox before.

- Eb, I'm gonna... - Oliver, Oliver.

For once, you have a good idea.

And I think we should name it

the Oliver Wendell Douglas youth center.

- Why should it be named after me?

- Because I have a feeling

they're going to stick you with it.

- So my recommendation is that

we build a recreation center for them.

- Well, I'm for that.

I'm gettin' a little tired of standin' around

waitin' for flies to land on my head.

- Yeah, well, uh...

- How much is this center gonna cost?

- Five thousand dollars.

- In that case, I move that this meetin' be adjourned.

- Whoa, just a second here, just a moment.

Isn't it worth that much to you to save your farms?

- Not mine, mine ain't worth but three thousand.

- Isn't there some cheaper way of doing it?

- Well, if we didn't have to do any construction.

Maybe if somebody would like to donate

the use of their barn.

- Well, ain't that nice of Mr. Douglas?

- No, wait, just a second.

- I make a motion we accept Mr. Douglas' kind offer

to donate his barn.

- All those in favor, raise their hands.

Motion carried.

- Just a moment, I didn't offer my barn.

- Well, you're the only one that mentioned the word donate.

- I can't donate my barn, I need it, just like you do.

- What for?

- To keep my cow in, my tractor.

- Mr. Douglas, if you think more of your cow

and your tractor than you think of the youth of Hooterville,

I ain't too sure we want you as a member of our community.

- Why should I donate my barn?

What are you donating?

- Well, we're lettin' you use our kids.

- Oh, for...

- Just a second, now I agree with Mr. Douglas.

This is a community project and I think we all

ought to contribute something to it.

- Thank you.

- Especially since he's been nice enough to donate his barn.

- I didn't say I'd...

- Now, I'm willin' to donate the soda pop.

How about you, Haney, what are you givin'?

- Well, I'll probably be outta town.

- Come on, Haney, you must have something usable

in that junk shop in back of your house.

- He's got an old pool table.

Well, it's not an old pool table,

it's a new ping pong table with holes in the side.

- We'll take it.

- Well, since it's for such a good cause,

I ain't gonna charge ya nothin' for it.

- Thanks.

- 'Course, there'll be a thirty dollar truckin' charge.

- We'll get it ourselves.

- I've got a high fi set you can have.

- Good.

- 'Course, the spring's busted on the motor.

- If somebody could get hold of a movie projector,

I can borrow some film from the department to show.

- Like what?

- Well, they got some new ones out

on the sex life of the corn boar.

'Course, that's for mature audiences.

Or is that for mature corn boars?

- May I say something?

- You gonna donate somethin' else?

- No.

If we're going to make this youth center attractive,

we can't furnish it with a bunch of second hand junk.

We need new things, a jukebox,

ping pong table, dart boards, games.

- Do you know what that would cost?

- Mr. Haney, this is one time

when money should be secondary.

The American farmer didn't get where he is today

by being chintzy about money.

- What was he chintzy about?

- He wasn't chintzy about anything.

Where would we be if the embattled farmer

had stopped to worry about the cost of powder

and bullets in 1776?

Who would have shot at the British at Concord?

All through the history of the country,

the American farmer has dug down into his pockets

and taken the cash out of his mattress

and his cookie jar to help his friends

and neighbors and his community.

Gentlemen, I put it to you.

Are you going to turn your back on history?

Are you going to welsh on your debt to your heritage?

- Well, I guess Mr. Douglas has laid it right in our laps.

I'll donate five dollars cash to the youth center.

- I'll donate $2.50.

- Put me down for four.

- I'll be glad to give $20 if Mr. Douglas

will explain what he just said.

- Ain't that a beautiful sign?

Ralph painted it.

- She misspelled youth.

- Oh, yes, it should have another T.

- No, it should have an O in it.

- Well, maybe she ran out of O paint.

- What is O paint?

- Come on in.

- Oliver, I'm proud of you.

If you hadn't opened your big mouth,

this never would have happened.

- We of the now generation thank you.

Senior citizens like you who... - Hey, Eb.

- Mrs. Douglas, may I have the honor of this dance?

- Of course.

- Would you excuse us, mein herr?

- Mr. Douglas. - Oh, hi, hi fellas.

- That wife of yours sure shimmies up a storm.

- She sure does.

- I ain't seen nothin' like that since Gilda Gray.

- Gilda...

- She was part of the was generation.

- Them kids is sure havin' a good time, ain't they?

- Well, they're sure gettin' themselves recreated.

- Recre... yeah, I guess they do enjoy themselves.

You know, since we dedicated this place two weeks ago,

there's been a crowd outside every night at 7:00

waiting for the doors to open, and they stay until two.

- Mr. Douglas, you sure have solved the leavin' problem.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, but you've created another one.

- What's that?

- The kids are so tired from gettin' recreated every night

that they can't get up 'til noon to do their work.

- What?

- We're havin' an emergency meetin' on it tomorrow night.

- Well, don't be there.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.