Original subtitles

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green acres we are there

- Well, them fellers don't write the World Guardian.

Oh, doggone it.

That's your last chance.

If I don't get what I'm supposed to get,

you're going to get it.

Well, that's better.

- It's mighty good of you fellers to come down here

and meet Arnold.

- Ah, don't mention it, Fred.

Who's Arnold?

- Fred's pig.

- I thought her name was Delores.

- That's his wife.

- Then which pig is Arnold?

- It sure will be good to see my old pal again.

- Your old pal,

he never was your pal until he inherited 20 million dollars.

- How can you say a thing like that?

After I went and got this basket of fruit for Arnold.

- Pretty nice.

- Yeah, anybody care to give it to him?

It's only $16.

- Haney, will you -

- No, Jimmy, your cousin Arnold's train ain't come in yet.

- Cannonball'll be here pretty soon.

- It won't be long now, almost home.

Certainly am glad to get away from Chicago.

- Not me.

- Lisa, those big cities are all alike, suit, dirt,

foul air, smell this air.

- It smells terrible.

- Oh, well we're just passing Simpson swamp.

Now smell.

- Smells like burning rubber.

- Oh, that's the Hooterville dump, try it now.

- What's that?

- I think the train must have frightened a skunk.

- So far Hooterville has it all over Chicago

with the smells.

Wasn't it nice in the hotel?

Room service and sleeping late.

- Yeah, that part was nice.

- Reminded me of our honeymoon.

- It was better than our honeymoon,

your mother wasn't with us this time.

- You always have to pick on my mother.

- I'm really very grateful to her.

If it wasn't for her there wouldn't be any you.

- No wonder you're such a good lawyer,

you got a silver tongue made out of gold.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Howdy.

- Why did the train stop?

- Arnold wants to practice backing up.

- Arnold?

- Yeah, he's running the train.

He wants to get the feel of it,

he's thinking about buying it.

- Buying it?

- Yeah, he said if Howard Hughes can buy an airline,

he can buy a railroad.

- That's democracy.

- That's not -

How can the engineer allow a pig to run a train?

- Where'd Mr. Douglas go?

- I guess he wanted to get some

of the good Hooterville air.

- Hey, wait for me!

- Hello there, look who's here.

- Welcome home, Mrs. Douglas, did you have a good time?

- Oh, yes, marvelous, thank you.

- May I present you with this basket of fruit?

- Oh why, thank you, Mr. Haley.

- That'll be $16, please.

- I'm not paying - - Here's Arnold now.

- Hey, Arnold, my boy!

Come here and give your pappy a big hug.

- Wait a second, he's got a speech!

He wrote it on the back of an old envelope.

He got the idea of reading a book about Abraham Lincoln.

- Who's he?

- He was the President of the United States.

- I thought that was George Washington.

- No, ma'am, George Washington

is a bridge across the Hudson river.

- Quiet, please, ready Arnold?

No, you don't need a shawl and a stovepipe hat.

Just read it.

Arnold says, "Four score and several years ago."

- Four score and several years ago?

Come on, Lisa.

- No, no, no, he just started.

- I'm not going to stand here

and listen to a pig misquote Lincoln.

- Arnold says, "It's good to be home."

"And even though he has 20 million dollars, he's still the

same, simple pig that left Hooterville a week ago."

- Lisa, let's go.

- Just a minute, ceremony's not over yet.

Okay Jimmy.

- Who's the carpet roller?

- That's Arnold's cousin, Jimmy.

He cut classes to come down to see Arnold.

- What a nice family.

- Come on, Arnold.

- Mr. Douglas, I want to thank you

for getting Arnold's money.

- Arnold, if you'll just tell me which bag it's in,

I'll be glad to carry it for you.

- Look, Arnold didn't get the money.

- Oh, I knew you'd foul it up.

- I didn't... Mr. Ziffel, the estate is still in probate.

It'll be a little while before it's settled.

In the meanwhile, I've spent a week away from my farm

and if you don't mind, I'd like to forget

about the Bernbacher estate, about Arnold's money

and particularly about Arnold.

Come on, Lisa.

Hey, this corn is coming along fine.

- Yeah, pretty soon you'll be able to take it out

of the intensive care unit.

- Look, Eb, I may not be the best farmer in the world -

- No comment.

- This is what I've always wanted since I was a kid.

- A field full of droopy corn?

- A farm that I could call my own.

Eb, this isn't just dirt.

- No, I think there's some fertilizer in there too.

- This is the good earth.

This contains the wealth of the American farmer.

This is what he fought for at Lexington and Concord.

Land, land in which to plant his crops.

Land with which to feed the hungry millions of the world.

Land -

- Hey, I think you got a worm in there playing the fife.

- Fife?

This is why I left that rat race of New York.

To be able to plant seeds in the rich soil

and let the soft rain, the warm sun,

nurture them til they reach up to the blue sky

and the white clouds and finally burst into full life.

- Recorded copies of the speech you have just heard

can be purchased at the conclusion of today's tour.

- Mr. Haney.

- Standing in front of you, is Oliver Wendell Douglas,

the famous pig lawyer.

Who's legal skill got Arnold his 20 million dollars.

- Look -

- Kindly remove your hats out of respect.

- Mr. Haney -

- I hope I'm not disturbing you.

I'm conducting a tour of the highlights of Arnold's life.

Mr. Douglas, would you say a few words to this group

on animal jury sprudence?

- Will you get these people out of here,

they're trampling my corn.

- Just trying to put it out of it's misery.

- See here, you -

- Now, if you will all form a single line,

Mr. Douglas, the world famous pig lawyer,

will be glad to sign your official Arnold autograph books.

- I, I don't have one.

- You don't have an official Arnold autograph book?

Well, fortunately I have several of them with me

which can be purchased for the nominal sum of $6 a piece.

- I'll take one.

- Oh, stop, you don't need anything like...

Mr. Haney, I'm not signing any autographs.

- If he don't, I want my $3 back for the tour.

- If you will look at your ticket,

you will see that the management is not responsible

for any recalsatration on the part of the participee.

- Get off my land!

- All right, all right, everybody back on the bus.

Our next stop will be Arnold's humble birthplace.

A log pig stye overlooking Simpson Swamp.

After that, we'll have a $4 lunch at my place

and then we will pay a visit to the proposed site

of the Arnold Ziffel Football Stadium.

This way, please.

- Wait a minute, where do you think you're going?

- I want to see where they're going to build the new

Arnold Ziffel Stadium.

- There isn't going to be any stadium.

- Ain't that for Arnold to decide, it's his money.

- I don't want to hear anymore about Arnold.

If I never see him again,

it'll be the happiest day of my life.

- We'll be glad to keep Arnold for you.

- I can't tell you how much I appreciate that,

because you've got no idea what's been going on in my house.

I'll tell her.

Since the news got out that Arnold's going to get

20 million dollars, everybody and his cousin

has been over there trying to see Arnold something.

- That's the way it is when you have velt.

- What's velt? - Money.

- Oh, that kind of velt.

At four o'clock this morning, some fellow was over there

trying to sell Arnold an oil well.

Then there was another guy that had the hope diamond.

- Diamonds are a good investment.

- This one had a wart on it.

All day long people have been coming over there

trying to get Arnold's money,

including a blonde woman who claimed to be Arnold's wife.

I didn't see anything sexy about her.

- Don't worry, Mr. Ziffel, we'll take good care of him.

- Well, good, I'm glad of that, because now,

maybe I can get some rest.

Come on, Arnold, help me carry your stuff in.

- Who does that belong to?

Lisa?

- Oliver, there was just a big crash in the kitchen.

- I know, who does this belong to?

- Arnold. - Arnold?

What's he doing here?

- He's going to live with us for a while.

- He most certainly is not.

- But I promised Mr. Ziffel.

The poor man can't get any rest.

People are coming there at all hours

trying to sell Arnold something.

That's too bad, but -

What's that?

- Oh, he's practicing the piano.

- Of all the -

- Mr. Ziffel says he has to practice two hours everyday

for his debut with the Boston Symphony Orchestra.

- They're not going to let him play

with the Boston Symphony.

- They'll have to, he's going to buy the orchestra.

- I doubt if Boston will sell it to him.

- Then he'll buy Boston.

- Will you stop that!

- That's a fine way to talk about him after all the presents

he brought to us.

- What presents? - Look.

- Hey, that must have cost a fortune.

He hasn't got his money yet.

- No, no he charged it.

Look, look, he brought you this.

- For me?

- Awe, thank you.

A shrunken head.

- I think he's trying to tell you something.

- I'll tell him something -

- Oliver, Oliver,

would you bring Arnold's crib in from outside,

Mr. Ziffel left it in the garden.

- He's not going to sleep in here with us.

- Please, Oliver, let's not argue in front of the P-O-G.

- Oh yeah, yeah, I forgot out the pog.

- Arnold, why don't you go outside and rollerskate.

- Lisa, will you please keep him out of my way.

I've got a lot of work to do.

- Oliver, if that's anybody, Arnold isn't here.

Who is it?

- Nobody here.

What do you want?

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean.

- Ah, hello there, Jimmy.

That's Arnold's cousin.

He wants to know if Arnold can come out

and play baseball with him.

- How do you know what he -

- Well, he has a glove around his neck,

what else would he be asking?

Arnold is around the back rollerskating,

but don't tell anybody he's here.

Look, Lisa, couldn't -

Look, I told you that Arnold was around -

- Who you talking to?

- I thought it was Jimmy, he -

- Doesn't look like Jimmy to me.

- Oh for, come on in.

- Excuse me, Jimmy.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello, Mrs. um, um -

- Douglas.

- Oh, of course, Douglas.

I never forget a name, Mr. um, uh -

- Douglas.

- Oh, are you any relation to Mrs. Uh... I'm sorry,

I've forgotten your name.

- Look, can't you remember anything?

- Like what?

- I don't know, anything.

- What did you come over here for?

- Oh, that I remember, I wanted to...

I guess I don't remember.

- Why don't you sit down and think about it.

- Oh, thank you.

Look, if you'll excuse me -

- Now I remember.

I wanted to show you the present that Arnold gave me.

How you like that?

- Oh, it's a wrist watch.

- Oh, is that what that is?

My mother gave me that.

- Oh, brother.

- No, she gave my brother a pair of earrings.

Or what that my sister?

No, it must've been my brother, I don't have a sister.

- Arnold is giving presents to everybody.

He gave me a beautiful bracelet.

- What'd he give you?

- A shrunken head.

- Oh, guess he was trying to tell you something.

That Arnold is a real prince.

Not like the average pig you meet who shakes your hand

and says he's glad to see you when he really isn't.

- Yeah, he's a real prince.

- Yeah, I saw him out in the back rollerskating.

Why, money hasn't changed him a bit.

Any other pig with 20 million dollars

would hire somebody to do the skating for him.

- Do we have to keep taking about that?

- Mr. Kimball, please don't tell anybody

that you saw Arnold over here.

He's hiding out from all those people

that are trying to sell him something.

- Don't worry, my lips are sealing,

I won't tell a soul that...

What wasn't I supposed to tell anybody?

- Goodbye, Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, well goodbye, nice talking to you Mrs. uh

and you too, Mr. uh, uh.

- Oliver, do you think he'll tell anybody?

- Oh, don't worry about it,

he can't even remember his own name.

- Quiet, quiet, quiet!

Arnold ain't going to buy nothing.

- But anyone in his position

could use a good life insurance program.

Now I have a policy here -

- You're wasting your time, Arnold ain't even here.

- Where is he? - I don't know.

- Oh, I do, he's over at the Douglas farm.

- Ah, you junderhead!

- Mr. Douglas. - What's the matter?

- You should see what's going on outside.

That's part of it.

- What the -

- Where's Arnold, I've got a life insurance policy

here for him that I'm sure -

- Will you stop that noise!

- Now, this policy has a face value of a million dollars.

- Stop that racket!

- Now, the premium on this policy is only -

- What the?

Will you stop playing that darn thing.

- This policy contains certain features which I'm sure -

- I don't want the policy and I don't want the organ,

or the car, or a cabin cruiser!

- Oh, you're just going to keep the pool with the blonde.

- I'm not keeping the pool either.

- Oh, just the blonde.

I'll go gift wrap her for you.

- This policy contains an uncancelable clause which I -

- Look, I told you -

Stop ringing that bell!

- It's a telephone.

- Look, I don't want to, I don't want to buy anything,

now get all this stuff out of here or I'll call the sherif

and you all arrested for trespassing.

- One of the main features of this is the sickness clause.

- I'm not interested.

- Everybody interested in sickness,

do you know how many new medical show are on TV?

I don't care!

- This policy protects you from 100 different sicknesses,

including tonsillitis, gout and Watson's disease.

- No!

- Well, if you're not interesting in a life insurance policy

for Arnold, perhaps you'd be interested in annuity,

which allows him to retire at the age of 65

with an ensured income of $450 a day.

This policy would only - - Hello?

- Hello, Mr. Douglas. - Yes.

- This is Charles Gerber in Chicago.

You know, the lawyer for the Bernbacker estate.

- Now this annuity not only covers the assured but -

- I don't want any insurance!

- I'm not selling you insurance.

- I wasn't talking to you.

- If you'll just sign this. - I won't sign anything.

- I didn't ask you to sign anything.

- No, no, will you get off the pole?

- I am not on the pole.

- Get lost, you dimwit! - I beg your pardon.

- No, I didn't mean you, I meant the other dimwit.

Mr. Gerber, some fella followed me up the pole.

- How exciting.

- Eb, Eb! - Did you want me?

- Get this fella off the pole.

- Hello, hello Mr. Douglas. - Hello, yes, yes.

- Come on down, sir. - Get away, boy.

- You wouldn't believe what's going on up here.

Let go, let go!

- Come on down. - Stop that!

- Hello?

- Okay, I warned you.

- Hello?

Mr. Douglas, are you still there?

- Yeah, but not for long.

- I got him off the pole, Mr. Douglas.

- You blundering idiot!

Then I had to go all the way into Drucker's

to call Mr. Gerber back.

- What did Mr. Gerberback say?

- No, Gerber.

Ow, oh, oh.

- Darling, does it hurt where you fell?

- A little, a little.

- Do you want me to put some ligament on it?

- Uh, litament, no lumament.

It'll be all right.

- You were going to tell me what Mr. Gerberback said.

- Yeah, he called to tell me that there's a problem

about the will.

Mrs. Bernbacher's sister in law is contesting it.

She claims Bernbacher was mentally incompetent.

- Just because he left 20 million dollars to a pig?

- Yeah, well a lot of people are narrow minded

about things like that.

If she succeeds in breaking the will,

Arnold won't get a cent.

I told Gerber we're prepared to fight it.

- Then you do love Arnold.

- Well, Lisa, I'm an attorney, I'm a member of the bar,

I'd do the same thing for any other pig that was

a client of... I mean, any other, anybody that was a.

- Well, I'm proud of you.

No matter what my father used to say about you,

I always said you weren't.

- I wasn't what?

- There was a whole list of things.

He had them on a blackboard in his study.

The last I heard, he was ordering another blackboard.

- Lisa, let's not get into an argument about your family.

- Well, what would you like to do instead?

- I'd like to go to sleep.

Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- Oo. - What's the matter?

- Something bit me.

Who put this in the bed, of all the stupid.

- Oliver, that might have been somebody's little mother.

- Lisa, I'd like to get some sleep.

- Oliver, do you know what it means when you throw

a shrunken head out of the bedroom window?

- I have no idea.

- Well, according to the gypsies, you fall in love

and the woman next to you gives you a big kiss.

Yeah?

- And then another one, and then...

- Yeah?

- I forgot what the gypsy said will happen after that.

- Well, I'm not a gypsy, but I'm willing to ad lib it.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.