Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Lisa, have you finished packing yet?

The plane leaves in an hour.

- Oliver. - What?

- Do you like this cocktail dress?

- Well, you've already packed two.

- Well, the way you drink, I need at least three.

Now, would you please find me another suitcase?

- I'll look in the closet.

- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

Where's Mr. Douglas?

- He's in the closet looking for a suitcase.

- Oh.

You ought to turn the light on in there

so you can see better.

- Why don't you be more...

- Mr. Douglas, you're famous.

Mr. Drucker wrote a whole story about you

in the World Guardian.

They got a picture of you and everything.

Look.

- That's not a very good picture of you, Oliver.

- That's not me. - Oh, his picture's

on page six with the underwear ads.

But listen to what they wrote about you.

Local pig to become multimillionaire.

- I'm not a local pig.

- Arnold Ziffel will leave for Chicago today

to put in his claim for the estate

of the late Gustav Burnbacher, the pork king.

In his will, Mr. Burnbacher left his entire fortune

to Herman the pig,

whose picture appeared on every Burnbacher pork product.

- I thought you said this story was about me?

- You're comin' up soon.

Unfortunately, Herman died of a broken heart

grieving over Mr. Burnbacher's demise,

and under the terms of the will,

the estate goes to any of Herman's living relatives.

- There is nothing sadder than a pig with a broken heart.

- I think this whole thing is a lot sadder.

- What does it say about Mr. Douglas?

- Later.

Arnold's claim to the estate is based on his ability

to predict the weather with his tail,

a trait which he inherited from his great grandfather,

Herman, who was also a famous tail predictor.

- This is ridiculous.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Here you are.

Arnold will be accompanied to Chicago

by Oliver Wendell Douglas, the famous pig lawyer.

- Pig lawyer?

- And when you went to Harvard,

they said you wouldn't amount to anything.

- They were right.

- Arnold will also be accompanied on his trip

by Mrs. Lisa Douglas, the beautiful and glamorous wife

of Oliver Douglas, the famous pig lawyer.

- Why do they keep saying that?

- Because Arnold is a pig, and you are his lawyer.

- Also in the party will be Arnold's lifelong friend,

Eb Dawson.

- Oh no.

Oh no, you're not going.

- It says right here in the paper I am.

- I don't care what it says in the paper, you are not going.

- Mr. Douglas, you've gotta take me with you.

I'm the only one that can translate Arnold's grunts

into English and his tail into weather forecasts.

- I don't care.

You are not going.

I want you to stay here and take care of the farm.

- Well, you're going to look pretty silly

when the Burnbacher lawyer asks you what Arnold's tail

says about the weather and you sit there staring at it

with a dumb look on your face.

- Look, Lisa...

- I can be a bigger help to you in Chicago than I can here.

I can pigsit at night while you and the beautiful

and glamorous Mrs. Douglas are out gettin' crocked.

- Eb, you are not going.

Come in.

- Howdy, folks.

- Howdy.

The Red Baron flies again.

- Mr. Ziffel, we were going to pick Arnold up on the way

to the airport.

- Well, Arnold couldn't wait.

He's anxious to get on the plane.

- What's the weather gonna be for the flight, Arnold?

Great.

According to Arnold's tail, it's gonna be fair and warmer

with a few scattered clouds over Nebraska.

The barometer reads 30.2, and the dewpoint is...

- Will you knock it off?

- Well, anyway, his tail does say fair and warmer.

Now, can I go?

- No.

- Hear that Arnold?

Mr. Douglas ain't gonna let me go with you.

Arnold says if I don't go, he don't go.

- Well, fine, then I won't have to go.

I'm not crazy about the whole idea anyway.

Going to Chicago to represent a pig.

- Mr. Douglas, me and Doris and Arnold are countin' on you,

and we want you to know that when Arnold gets his money,

we won't forget the pig lawyer that made it possible.

- If people don't stop calling me a pig lawyer.

- Oh, Oliver, my father always said it doesn't matter

what they call you, as long as you know who you are.

- That sounds like something your father would say.

- Mr. Douglas, I'd feel a lot better if you'd take Eb.

He'd be a lot of company for Arnold, and he could babysit

with him while you two are out gettin' crocked.

- Who started all this business about getting crocked?

- You did with all your drinking.

Lisa, I don't think that...

- Arnold says we better get going

or we're going to miss the plane.

- Tell him.

Never mind, get the bags.

Put 'em in the car.

- Includin' mine?

- Okay, including yours.

- Chicago, here we come!

Your attention please.

Now arriving at Gate Six.

Transbixley Airlines Flight 14 from Hooterville.

Passengers, please claim your baggage at counter three.

- Where is Arnold?

- He stopped to buy a camera.

- A camera?

- Yeah, he said he wanted to send pictures of Chicago

to Doris and Fred.

- Oh, I hope he won't get lost.

- I couldn't be that lucky.

- Oliver.

- Oh, that we could forget this whole nightmare

and get back to... - Baggage checks, please.

- Oh, I have eight pieces.

- There are only seven checks here.

- Oh, here is one.

This is for my jewelry case.

- That black one's mine.

- Yeah, and that brown one right there is mine.

- Could we get a porter?

- Sorry, Mack, but there aren't any.

Just a second, sport.

What are you?

That's a pig.

- Care to have him take your picture?

- Leave that bag alone.

- That's his.

- Where's his check?

- He ate it.

- I'm sorry, no baggage without a check.

- You'd better show a little more respect to Arnold.

You know what he's worth?

- Oh, with the current pice of pork,

I'd say about 30 bucks.

- He's worth $20 million.

- $20 million?

Hey, is this the pig I've been reading about in the papers

that's gonna inherit the Burnbacher fortune?

- That's him, Arnold Ziffel.

- Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Ziffel.

It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.

You don't need no baggage check.

- How about a porter?

- Oh, he doesn't need a porter either.

I'll take his bag.

Right this way, Mr. Ziffel.

Say, I got an invention you might be interested in backing.

- Oh, for the love.

- How do you do, and how may I help you?

- May we have a room please?

- And do you have a reservation?

- Yes, the name is Douglas.

- Douglas, let me see.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid we don't have any reservation

for a Douglas.

- Oh, well maybe he made it under another name.

Some time he uses Smith or Jones.

- Lisa.

The name is Douglas.

- Well, I'm sorry, sir, but...

What is that?

- It's a pig.

- I'm sorry, sir.

We do not allow animals in our hotel.

- He has a reservation.

- Not here.

Maybe at the stockyards.

- Mr. Ziffel says he wants to see the manager.

- Well, you tell Mr. Ziff.

Did you say Ziffel?

- That's right, Arnold Ziffel.

- Isn't that the gentleman who's heir

to the Burnbacher estate?

- That's the one.

- Look, about our room.

- Just a moment.

Mr. Ziffel, I can't tell you what an honor it is

to have you stay with us.

We've reserved the presidential suite for you.

- Arnold wants to know if you got something better.

- Well, there's the royal suite.

- He says he'll take that.

Very good.

Show Mr. Ziffel to the royal suite.

- Yes, sir.

May I have your bag, Mr. Ziffel?

- If you have any trouble getting a room,

have 'em call Arnold.

- Are you with Mr. Ziffel's party?

- Yes, my husband is his lawyer.

- Lisa, do you have to tell everybody I'm...

- Well, if you're with Mr. Ziffel,

I'm sure that we can find something for you.

Let me see.

- After you, please.

- What is this?

- It's called a junior suite, sir.

- Suite?

- Excuse me, please.

- Watch it.

- I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry.

Here we go.

It should just be a moment here.

This is the bathroom, sir.

What the?

- Oh, that's handy.

You can step right out of bed and into the tub.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

And this is your cedar-lined closet.

Well, door's warped again.

You see, you're right over the boiler room here,

and the steam comes up through the floor.

- That's why it's so hot here.

- Isn't there a window in this room?

- Yes, sir, but it's in the closet.

- Oh, we're not going to...

- I'll get your bag, sir.

Oh, excuse me.

Here, would you mind moving over just a tiny bit.

That's it.

I think I got it now.

Okay, sure it's fine.

I'll just be a second here.

Just takes nothing but a minute.

Be back in a moment, sir.

- Oh, sorry.

I'm gonna call the manager.

Where's the telephone?

Come in.

I can't open the door.

- Just a second.

Excuse me, let me get through.

- Hi.

Oh, you got yourself a junior suite.

- This isn't a... - Where is Arnold?

- Oh, he's up in our suite taking a sauna bath.

- You have a sauna bath?

- Yeah, it's right off the fourth bedroom.

Or it it off the dining room?

No, the dining room's off the ping pong room,

right next to the throne room.

- The throne room?

- All royal suites have a throne room.

- Look, I'm in no mood for...

- Anyway, Arnold wants to know when we're all goin' over

to see the Burnbachers' lawyer.

- Look, I'll call for an appointment

as soon as I can find the telephone.

Your luggage, sir.

- I didn't order any luggage.

- No, that's ours.

- Where do you want it, sir?

- Well, where would you suggest?

- Well, most people who take this room

just keep it right on the bed.

- That's handy.

- So is the bathtub.

You can step right out of bed and step into the tub.

- Golly, this is really a well thought out hotel.

- Would you like anything else, sir?

- If I did, where would you put it?

Where's the phone?

- Right here, sir.

- Thank you.

- Have a nice day.

The maintenance man will be up right away to fix

the closet door.

Excuse me.

- Well, I think I'll freshen up.

Oh, Oliver.

Oliver, would you please move the bed?

- Oh, yeah.

Would you mind getting out of the way?

- Yes, sir.

- Get off the bed!

- Well, you told me to get out of the way,

and the only way to go was up.

- Well, see you fellows later.

- Who's there?

Maintenance man.

- Just a second.

Come in.

- Is this the suite with the stuck closet door?

- Yeah, yeah come on in.

- Hello?

I want long distance.

Hooterville 2331.

I want to talk to Sam Drucker.

He appointed me the Chicago correspondent

for the World Guardian.

I'm supposed to call him every day and tell him

what's happening with the Arnold Ziffel story.

- Sure is stuck.

The steam from the boiler room makes the wood swell up.

Someday that old boiler's gonna come up

right through this room, blow!

- Right up through the... - Hello, hello?

Didn't they answer yet?

- There we are.

Hey, you get a nice view of the lake if you don't hang up

any clothes in there.

- What kind of a hotel... - Hello, hello?

- I'd better check that one too, pardon me.

- Hello there.

How do you do?

- Close the door, you bird brain.

- Who you calling a bird brain?

- Mr. Drucker?

- Hello, hello?

- Hello.

- Eb?

- Oh no, the name is Kimball.

Hank Kimball.

Well, not Kimball Hank Kimball.

- Please.

Hello?

- Hello.

- What's happenin' in Chicago?

- Gee, I don't know, I haven't been there.

- I'm trying to talk to Eb.

Hello?

- Hello.

- Eb, what's?

I can't hear you.

What's all the commotion there?

What?

Holy sesame seeds.

Mr. Douglas is havin' a fight with some fella.

- What about?

- This fella opened the door on Mrs. Douglas

while she was in the bathtub.

- Wowee, that Chicago really swings, huh?

- Hello?

- Hello.

- What about Arnold?

- Oh, didn't you hear?

He went to Chicago to get $20 million.

- Hank, will you keep your big nose out of this?

Look, Eb, when is Arnold gonna get his money?

I can't hear ya, will you talk a little louder?

- I'd be glad to.

- Hello?

- Hello.

- Look, what?

Oh, okay, I'll hold on.

The house detective just came to take the other fella away,

and the hotel doctor's trying to stop

Mr. Douglas' nose bleedin'.

- Boy, there's never a dull moment in Detroit.

- They're in Chicago.

- Didn't they like Detroit?

- Hello?

- Hello.

- What?

When is Mr. Douglas gonna see the Burnbacher lawyer?

Oh, as soon as his nose stops bleedin'.

Well, look, you call me back and let me know

after they have their meeting.

- I'd be glad to.

- Good bye.

- Well, good bye.

- Of all the dad-blamed.

- It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Douglas, Mrs. Douglas.

- Sorry we're late.

- You see, we had to wait for Mr. Douglas' nose

to stop bleeding.

He got into this terrible fight with this man

who opened the bathroom door while I was taking a bath.

- I don't understand.

- Well, you see, we've got this junior suite.

Well, I guess it's not really a suite.

It's a small room.

And you've gotta push the bed over against the opposite wall

in order to open the bathroom door.

- It has a lovely view of the lake from the closet.

- From the closet? - Yes.

- Won't you sit down?

- Thank you.

- I was hoping that you would bring the Ziffel pig with you

so that we could settle this matter as quickly as possible.

- Eb was supposed to meet us here with Arnold.

He's Arnold's interpretator.

- Did you have an opportunity to read that copy

of Mr. Burnbacher's will I sent you?

- No, I didn't.

- Lisa, Mr. Gerber's talking to me.

Yes, yes I did read it.

It's a pretty strange document.

- Well, Mr. Burnbach was a pretty strange man,

but it was his money, and if wanted to leave it to a pig...

- Didn't he have any relatives?

- Just a sister-in-law and her son,

but he couldn't stand them.

- That's the way my father feels about Mr. Douglas.

That's why he's cutting him out of his will.

- Your father doesn't have anything to leave anybody

except a trunk full of old Rubinoff records.

- Well!

My father has...

- May we please stick to the subject at hand?

- Certainly.

- What is it?

When does Arnold get the money?

- Well, first we have to establish that Arnold

is related to Herman.

Now, our research shows that Mr. Burnbacher met Herman

in Hooterville, and your Arnold comes from Hooterville.

- And Arnold can tell the weather with his tail

just like Herman could.

- As soon as you can prove that to my satisfaction...

Come in.

- Howdy, sorry we're late, but Arnold wanted to stop

and pick up his sports coat.

- Sports coat.

- Isn't that beautiful?

- It looks like something Al Capone would have worn.

- It was made by Al's old tailor.

Arnold says it has a built-in holster for his gat.

- If you don't mind, I'd like to see a demonstration

of weather-predicting ability.

- Certainly.

Eb?

- Yes, sir.

All right, Arnold, for $20 million,

what's the weather gonna be like today?

- They don't even make movies as bad as this.

- Come on, Arnold, your forecast.

Holy smoke, he's forecasting snow.

- In July?

- That's what his tail says.

See, it's curly and blue.

That means snow.

- May I read the official United States weather forecast

for you for today?

Continued hot weather with temperatures ranging in the 90s.

- How about two out of three?

I'm sorry, I'm afraid this is not the pig.

- Just a moment.

And where do you think you're going?

- To our room.

- Oh no, you're not.

- Why not?

- You, sir, are persona non grata in this hotel.

- Well, that's the first time you ever registered

under an Italian name.

- He means that...

- And would you please get that filthy pig

out of our elevator?

- He ain't no filthy pig.

That's Mr. Ziffel.

- He was Mr. Ziffel.

Predicting snow in July?

- I just can't understand it.

It's the first time his tail has ever been wrong.

- Well, maybe his coat was too tight.

- No, I think it's because he spent too much time

in the sauna bath.

The heat affected his predictor.

- His predictor?

- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Pawning off a fraudulent pig as a millionaire.

- I don't know why you're blaming Mr. Grata.

When you thought that Arnold was a millionaire,

you fell all over him, but now that he blew it

with his tail, you're treating him like he was a nothing.

Well, to you he may be a nothing,

but to me he'll always be a big pig.

- Well said, Mrs. Grata.

Well, let's go pack.

- We packed for you.

- Well, all right, let's get out of here.

- Not until you've paid your bill.

- I'll be glad to.

$885, for what?

- It's all itemized.

$350 for the royal suite for one night.

$228 for room service.

- Room service?

- Arnold threw a champagne party for all the chambermaids.

- And $185 for repapering the ping pong room.

- Arnold didn't like the wallpaper.

- Well, all I'm paying for is that so-called junior suite.

Now, how much was that?

- Six dollars for the room

and $25 for the services of the hotel doctor.

- Here's your money.

Eb, get a cab. - Yes, sir.

- And who's going to pay the pig's bill?

- Get it from him.

- I will, one way or another.

- What do you mean by that?

- If we don't get it in cash, we'll take it out in pork.

- Oh, don't worry, Arnold.

We won't let them sausage you up.

Oliver.

- Mr. Douglas!

It's snowing!

- What?

- In July?

- Arnold, your tail was right.

You're a millionaire again.

- Mr. Ziffel, I can't tell you how honored we are

to have you staying at our hotel again.

- I can't believe it.

I just can't believe it.

- I think it's wonderful,

and you're wonderful for all you've done for Arnold.

- Well, it's a pig lawyer's job to look after his client.

- What about a pig lawyer's wife?

Does he also look after her?

- You know it.

There's a bottle of champagne under the bed.

Arnold sent it down.

He's giving another champagne party for the chambermaids.

- No wonder we can't get any towels.

- Oh, well, he's having fun.

- Yeah, he better be careful.

He's gonna spend all his money before he gets it.

- When does he get it?

- Oh, there's a lot of red tape to go through.

The will have to go to probate.

All kinds of papers to be signed.

- Why don't you get a couple of glasses from the bathroom

for the champagne?

- Hey, good idea.

I'll be right back.

Oh, now who left the water in the tub?

Well, long as I'm here, might as well take a hot bath.

Don't go away.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.