Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Oh, good morning, Charlie.

Oh yes, you're right on time.

Go ahead.

- What's going on here?

- I thought Charlie could come in and crow the names.

- What names?

- Go ahead, Charlie.

- Didn't finish that.

He always has trouble remembering the Written By names.

- The written by?

Get him out of here.

- He has to do the Directed By.

Go ahead.

His heart wasn't in that one.

- What are you talking about?

- Get dressed and I'm going to cook you

a wonderful breakfast.

- Spaghetti for breakfast?

- If it's good enough for Dean Martin,

it's good enough for you.

- I'm not interested...

- Do you want meat sauce on it, or tomato sauce?

- If you don't mind, I'll just have orange juice.

- Yes, sir.

- I didn't mean the orange juice on the...

Oh nevermind, I'll get something else.

- Good morning!

- You clumsy oaf!

- Oh boy, my favorite breakfast!

Spaghetti with orange juice!

- You see, Eb likes it.

- He would.

You think you could do anything with these?

- What are they?

- Eggs!

You've seen eggs before.

- Yes, but not like this.

The ones we have, they come out of the chickens.

- You think you could fry 'em?

- Well, I could try.

- Let's see what else we got.

- Did Charlie come in and crow the names this morning?

- Yes, and he did very well except for the Written By.

- What are you two talking about?

- What are you looking for?

- Something to go with the eggs.

What's this?

- That's the Birnbacher commemorative pork package.

- Commemorative pork...?

- I don't know why Charlie always has trouble

with the Written By.

- They put that out in memory of Gus Birnbacher,

the president and founder of the Birnbacher Pork Company,

who only last week passed on

to that great slaughterhouse in the sky.

- What a way to go.

- They don't make men like Mr. Birnbacher anymore.

His was a real success story.

He came to Chicago with nothing but a pig and a dream

and he ended up a multimillionaire.

Look, let me show you.

This is Herman, the pig Mr. Birnbacher

started his business with.

It appeared on every package of pork he put out

along with his famous slogan:

If you dig pig,

you'll blow your cork over Birnbacher's pork.

- Oh, that's a real grabber.

- How do you want your eggs?

- Over.

- Lisa, you're supposed to take the eggs out of the box.

- Have you lost interest in the Gustav Birnbacher story?

- Yes.

- Mr. Birnbacher always said

that he owed his success to Herman,

so in gratitude, he left him all his money:

20 million dollars.

- Oh, he must have been a real ding-dong.

- When you have as much money as he did,

it's called paranoia.

- Well whatever it was, it was ridiculous.

Leaving 20 million dollars to a pig?

- Why?

People leave money to dogs, cats, horses.

- I wonder what Herman is going to do

with his 20 million dollars.

- Oh, Herman's long gone.

The money goes to his heirs, if they can find any.

As a matter of fact,

there's a big search going on right now

to see if they can find any of Herman's descendants.

Dog gone!

Can you imagine?

Somewhere in this country, there's a pig

worth 20 million dollars.

- Hey, it's from Doris.

"Dear Arnold and Fred,"

now how come she always gives you top billing?

"Your mother's leg is improving rapidly

"and I should be home in a couple of weeks.

"Love to you, Arnold, and best regards to Fred."

Two weeks?

I better get to washing some of them dishes.

Arnold, get to that piano.

Oh, none of your back talk.

I promised Doris I'd have you practice

20 minutes a day while she's gone,

so when she gets back from Philadelphia,

you can play the Moonlight Sinatra.

- And now for the news.

In Chicago, the lawyers for the Birnbacher estate

continue for any direct descendent of the pig

that was the famous Birnbacher trademark, Herman.

- Arnold, you're supposed to be practicing!

I... Herman?

Did he say Herman?

- So far, 50 pigs have claimed to be Herman's legal heir,

but all have turned out to be imposters,

including a fat dog who was wearing a pig suit.

If there is a pig anywhere in this country

who can prove he is Herman's heir,

he'd better come forward.

He has less than 30 days to make his claim.

And now, here's tomorrow's weather report.

- Seems to me my grandfather had a pig named Herman.

Now, if my grandfather's pig was named Herman,

that'd make you, uh...

I'm callin' Doris.

She knows everybody's name in the family.

Hello, Sarah?

Will you get me Doris in Philadelphia?

Yeah.

- Why, hi there, Mr Ziffel, how are you?

- Mr Douglas. - Come on in.

Well, I haven't seen you in a long time.

How's...

Oh, excuse me.

You?

You, how'd you knock on the door?

- I got somethin' real important talk to you 'bout.

- Oh, well, why don't you sit down?

Not you.

Off.

- Oh, hello Mr Ziffel.

- Hello, Mrs Douglas.

- Hello, Arnold.

- Ah, you sure do give him the blushes.

- Won't you sit down?

- No, she wasn't talking to you.

Off.

- That's all right, Arnold.

- It's not all right.

Now get off.

- Come on, Mr Ziffel, have you heard from Mrs Ziffel?

- Yeah, just talked to her on the phone.

She's in Philadelphia.

- Oh, how is your mother's leg?

- Well, Doris said that it's healin' up fine.

- Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

You know, a broken leg is pretty serious.

- Oh, especially at her age.

- How old is she?

- 80. - How did she break it?

- She got bumped off the track in the roller derby.

- In the roller...

- Yeah, that team's sure gonna miss her,

because she's a big point scorer.

- Oh...

- I come over here to talk to you legal.

You're still a lawyer, ain't you? - Yes.

- Ain't been disbarred or nothin?

- No, I...

What's the problem?

- I think Arnold is an inheritor.

- An inheritor?

- What did he inheritate?

- Inheritate?

- Don't he know them legal terms?

- I assume that what you're trying to say

is that Arnold inheritated, I mean, he inheritored,

somebody left him something.

- They sure did.

20 million.

- 20 million dollars?

- Now can he sit on the couch?

No.

Does this have any connection with that story

Eb was telling us about some nut named Birnbacher

who left all his money to a pig?

- Well, that guy wasn't a nut, he was a paranoic.

- Well, whatever he was, you think Bacon Bait here

is heir to the estate?

- Yep, Doris and me think

that Arnold is a direct descendant of Herman.

- He's the pig that has his picture on the pork package.

- Yes, I saw him.

- Now, here's what I want you to do.

Since I can't leave here,

I want you to take Arnold, go to Chicago,

do your legal stuff, get that money,

and fetch it back here.

- Look, I...

- Be sure to count it, so they don't short-change you.

- May we just slow down a minute here?

You're assuming that Arnold is related to this Herman, mm?

Do you have any proof?

- We sure do.

Arnold's a tail-predictor.

- A what.

- A tail-predictor?

He can predict what the weather's gonna be with his tail.

- With his tail?

- Arnold's great grandfather Herman

was also a tail-predictor.

He predicted the Johnstown flood.

- If he knew there was going to be a flood,

why didn't he warn everybody?

- He tried to, but he didn't know which bus to take

to get to Johnstown.

- Well, that makes sense.

- It doesn't make...

- Anyway, Arnold inherited Herman's talent

for predictin' what the weather's gonna be by tail.

- I'll go pack your bag for Chicago.

- I'm not going to Chicago.

Because, I... For the love of...

- Don't you want Arnold to get his inheritation?

- On what basis?

Just because he had a great-grandfather named Herman,

how do we know it was the same Herman.

Mr Ziffel, do you have any other proof?

Papers?

Bills of sale for Herman, anything?

- Nope, all we got's Arnold's tail.

- Then I don't think I can help you.

- Well, what are we gonna do?

- Try another lawyer.

- Well, Arnold says he wants you.

You the only lawyer he can trust,

and besides, you work cheap.

- I don't work...

Look I'm sorry, Mr Ziffel,

I don't think I can handle this for you.

- Well, I'm sorry, Arnold.

I guess we'll have to find another cheap lawyer.

- Oh, don't do that.

I'll work on Mr Douglas.

But, Oliver...

- I told you, I'm not getting involved.

- Oh, Oliver!

- No, no, no, please, leave me alone.

I want to finish weeding these carrots.

- Well, I'll help you.

Oh!

Look at the root on this weed.

- That's a carrot.

- Oh...

- Lisa, you can't hammer the carrot...

Oh...

- Oliver, you could really get the money for Arnold

if you tried.

- Look, I'll say it once more.

There is no way to get that money from the Birnbacher estate

without some tangible proof

that Arnold is a descendant of the pig

that they used on the package.

Mr Haney!

Those are carrots!

- They are?

Well, you can deduct any damage I've done from my fee.

- What fee?

- My card.

- Mr Haney, Tracer of Lost Pig Heirs.

Oh, for the love of...

- There's your answer, Oliver.

Mr Haney can help you to find out about Arnold's ancestors.

- I accept the case,

now if I can have your check for 5,000 dollars...

- What?

- That's the standard pig tracer fee,

as set by the Pig Tracers of America,

or as it's sometimes called, the PTA.

Can I have the money?

- Mr Haney, how can you prove

that Arnold is related to Herman?

- It's simple, I use the blood sample comparison method.

Now, if you will just step

to the back of my mobile laboratory,

I call it that because it was given to me

by one of my grateful clients, Mo Bile.

Oh brother!

- That's just a little joke I use before escorting people

to the back of the truck.

It sorta takes the tension out of the air.

- Mm, it works!

I don't feel as tense as I did.

- There it is!

The famous Bulewacker Blood Comparer.

- That's one of those fortune-telling machines

you find in a...

- May I introduce my assistant,

the wax model of Cornelia Bulewacker,

who invented the machine.

- How do you do?

- What are you saying, how...

- Now this machine works on the theory

that blood is thicker than water.

Now by placing a sample of the tracee's blood

into the machine, then, putting a dime into the slot,

and automatically, the machine will match up

the blood of the tracee and the tracor.

Now, since Arnold is a member of the hog family,

Miss Bulewacker has been programmed for pig blood,

which as you know contains 40% more suet than human blood.

- Mr Haney, if you don't get

that penny arcade machine out of here...

- Penny arcade?

I believe I detect a tear in Miss Bulewacker's eye.

- Lisa, let's...

- Hey, if you're not interested in the scientific approach

how about a reliable witness

who can testify that he knows positively

that Arnold is a direct descendant of Herman?

- And who would that be?

- My card.

- Mr Haney, Professional Pig Witness.

- For 10,000 dollars, I will be willing

to get on the witness stand

and swear under oath, that I know for a fact

that Arnold is Herman's great grandson.

- Oliver, give him the money.

- Lisa, that'd be perjury.

- It would?

Well, in that case, my fee would be 20,000.

- Goodbye, Mr Haney!

- Oh, come on, Cornelia, I'll take you back to the arcade

before they miss you.

- Morning, Mr Drucker.

- Mornin', Mr Douglas.

Shall I fill her up?

- Huh? - Check the oil?

- Well... - I'm just practicing.

This is where I'm gonna build my gas station.

- Oh, well... - You don't think it'll be

too close to the lunch room, do you?

- What lunchroom?

- The one I'm building right next to the souvenir stand.

- What souvenir stand?

- For the tourists who'll be flockin' here to Arnoldville.

- Arnoldville?

- We're renamin' the town.

It's the least we can do for our wealthiest citizen.

- Oh, Mr Drucker, before you change anything...

- Oh, I'm glad you came.

I've got something inside I want to show you.

How do you like 'em?

- What are they?

- Well, this is the official Arnold Ziffel piggy bank.

I had Arnold plastered and scaled down to size.

- That's the...

- Going to order 10,000 of them.

Arnold's promised to autograph them for me.

- But Mr Drucker...

- And this is a people bank.

- A people bank?

- Yeah, well, I figure a lot of tourists

will be bringing their pigs with them,

and I don't think a pig would want to buy a piggy bank.

- So you're going to sell them a people bank.

- Right, now, this is the same kind of football

that Arnold uses when he plays with the kids at school.

It's made out of plastic.

He's real sensitive about using pigskin.

- I can see where he would be.

- I'm orderin' 5,000 of them.

- But, Mr Drucker, aren't you jumping the gun a little?

- Oh, I want to get in on the ground floor.

This town is going to see the biggest pig boom in history.

- Mr Drucker, it hasn't been established yet

that Arnold is the legal heir to the Birnbacher fortune.

- Oh, well, we ain't worried about that,

with you handling things for him.

You're the best pig lawyer in town.

- I am not a...

- Oh, by the way, when you're in Chicago with Arnold,

maybe you could stop in at the novelty house, and...

- I'm not going to Chicago.

- What?

- I'm not getting involved in this.

- What?

- I have not accepted Arnold as a client.

- What?

- Will you stop saying what?

- Why?

- Mr Drucker...

- Mr Douglas, how can you do this to Hooterville?

- I'm not doing anything to Hooterville.

- You're flushin' it down the drain.

- Mr Drucker, an attorney has a right

to accept a client or not, as he wishes.

- Well, not in Hooterville.

In Hooterville, you're either for Hooterville,

or you live in Pixley.

- Look, now see here...

- Now, take my advice, Mr Douglas,

either change your mind or start packin'.

- I am not changing my mind,

and I am not packing.

- Dog gone, just when the Auto Club was gonna put

Hooterville on their road maps.

- Howdy, Mr Douglas.

- Oh, hi.

- Arnold's been waitin' for ya.

He's all packed for Chicago.

- I'm not going to Chicago.

Look, Eb, forget Arnold.

Get out on the field and finish weeding those carrots.

- There's no sense in me walkin' all the way out there

when it's gonna pour any minute.

- Who said that?

- Arnold's tail, see, it's all curly.

That means rain!

- Well, I'm sorry to disagree with it,

but the Weather Bureau says

no rain in sight for the next month.

Now get to work.

- But Mr Douglas, Arnold's tail...

- I don't want to hear anymore about Arnold, his tail,

or Chicago!

Lisa!

- Oh, Oliver!

Oliver, oh, you found your suitcase.

- Who left that there?

- Oh, I packed it for you for your trip to Chicago.

- I'm not going to Chicago.

- Well, then you better take your suitcase

and move to Pixley.

- All this fuss over a stupid pig.

- Have you got 20 million dollars?

- No. - And you call him stupid?

- He hasn't got 20 million dollars.

- Well, he would, if you wouldn't pull this fink act.

- Look how many times do I have to tell you that...

Now what?

Come in!

- Hi, Mr Douglas.

- Mr Kimball?

- Well, I'll get right to the point.

What point?

- Oh, no, I believe it's West Point.

Yeah, that's where they train...

- Mr Kimball, what did you want to see me about?

- See you about? - Yes.

- Oh, yes.

- Well?

- Oh, the town council has appointed me

a committee of one to come over and...

No, they appointed me a committee of three.

Wonder what happened to the other two fellas?

Well, whatever I am, I'm here.

- For what?

- Oh, to get you to change your mind

about going to, where were you supposed to go again?

- Chicago.

- Oh, yes, to get you to go to Chicago

to get...

What were you supposed to get again?

- To get Arnold's money.

But I'm not going.

- Well, the town council told me

that if I couldn't get you to change your mind,

I was to deliver the following message.

Um... Following message...

What is the message?

- Gee, I forgot.

Can I use your telephone to call the council?

- Help yourself.

- To what?

- The phone!

- Oh, don't you need it any more?

- Bye, Mr Kimball.

Oh, well, goodbye Mr um...

- This town is unbelievable.

Hey, what are you packing for?

- If you won't take Arnold to Chicago

then I'm going to take him there

to get his inheritation.

- How can you get it?

It requires a lawyer.

- I've been married to one long enough

to know all the tricks of the trade.

I know how to tell the loops from the holes

and the whereases from the whereforers.

- All right, go ahead, make a fool of yourself.

- You'd let me do that?

I always have.

Oh no, I mean... Look, Lisa.

There's absolutely no proof

that Arnold is the pig they're looking for,

but if it will make you happy,

I'll call the Birnbacher lawyer in Chicago

and I'll talk to him about Arnold.

- Oh, why that would be wonderful!

And don't forget to take your umbrella.

Arnold's tail says it's going to rain.

- Oh, pussycat!

- Charles Gerber speaking.

- Are you the attorney for the Birnbacher estate?

- Yes, I am.

- My name is Douglas, Oliver Wendell Douglas,

and I'm calling you about Arnold Ziffel.

You see... - Who is Arnold Ziffel?

- Oh, he's a pig.

And he might possibly be the heir that you're looking for.

- Oh, is this your pig?

- Oh, no, no-no, I'm an attorney.

- Oh, you're the pig's lawyer.

Ah, not exactly.

Fred Ziffel... - Is that Arnold's brother?

- Oh, no, no-no, Fred's Arnold's father.

Well, anyway, he came over and he asked me if I would...

- And this Fred is a talking pig?

- No, he's a talking man.

Mr Gerber, if you'll just allow me,

oh, darn it!

- Now what?

- It's starting to rain, I'm getting all wet.

- Oh, your roof leaks.

- No, I'm calling from the top of a telephone pole.

- The top of a...

- Yeah, that's where our telephone is.

- Is it cheaper that way?

- No, it's...

- Oliver! Oliver!

It's raining!

- I know!

- I told you you should have listened to Arnold's tail.

- Oh, you and that dumb tail.

- I beg your pardon?

- No-no, I was talking to my wife.

She thinks Arnold can predict the weather with his tail.

- With his tail?

Mr Douglas, what would you say if I told you

that Herman the Birnbacher pig had the same talent

for predicting the weather with his tail?

- You mean you think it's possible

that Arnold is... - He might just be.

Now, I suggest that you get the Ziffels

to bring Arnold here to Chicago.

We'll discuss the matter further.

- Fred can't leave his farm

because his wife is in Philadelphia.

- Mr Douglas, will you bring the pig to Chicago?

- Look, Mr Gerber, I'm getting soaked, and I...

- Mr Douglas, we're anxious to get this estate settled.

- All right!

I'll bring him!

Goodbye!

Next week, we take Arnold to Chicago

to claim his 20 million dollars.

See what money will do, even for a pig?

- Take Mr Ziffel to the Royal Suite.

- Yes, sir!

May I have your bag, Mr Ziffel?

- See what happens when a beautiful girl

is caught taking a bath.

Hello there!

And see Arnold's new wardrobe made for him

by Al Capone's old tailor.

All this and more, next week on Green Acres.

This has been a Filmways presentation, Darling.