Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Is this the place, Kyoto?

- Must be.

I followed directions the man gave us.

- Oh, my daughter would not live in a house like this!

Must be the gatekeeper's quarters.

- A pretty shrubby gatekeeper.

I go ask, see where big house is.

- Come in!

Hello there.

- Hello, lady.

Are you the maid?

- No, no, only on Tuesdays.

The rest of the week I'm the wife.

- Could you please tell me

where I can find big house?

- Big house of what?

- The main house.

The "Dougress" place.

- Oh, this is the "Dougress" place.

I am Mrs. "Dougress".

- Oh.

Your mother's outside.

- Outside of what?

- Out there.

- Oh, Mother is here!

Oh!

Mother!

- Lisa, darling!

- No, no, no!

I said, "You haven't changed a bit."

We have a lot of trouble here with the subtitles.

- Subtitles?

- Yes, that means when you say something in one language

and it says underneath you in English.

- I beg your pardon, I bring the bags in the house?

- He sure said a mouthful!

- You met Kyoto?

- Yes.

Oh, Mother, let's go into the house.

We have so much to talk about.

- Now, just a moment.

Come along, Sean!

- They're not interested in what the dog says.

- Who are you talking to?

- Oh, come on, darling!

Come, let's go inside.

- Well, this is a charming place.

- What is?

- Oh, your home.

It's very rustic.

It reminds me of that ski lodge in the Bavarian Alps.

Doesn't it, Kyoto?

- Yes, ma'am.

Right after avalanche hit it.

- Oh, Mother!

Mother, you should have let me know that you were coming!

- Well, I wanted to surprise you and...

What are you doing?

- Dusting.

- Don't you have a maid to do that?

- Oh, no, no.

On the farm a wife has to do everything.

Cleaning, cooking, washing.

- How un-Hungarian!

- Mm-hmm.

- Excuse please.

Where I put the bags?

- Oh, which is your guest bedroom, darling?

- Oh, we don't have a guest bedroom.

But you can put the suitcases in there.

You can sleep with me

and Oliver can sleep somewhere else tonight.

- Who is Oliver?

- My husband.

- Well, I thought his name was Rupert.

- No, no, no, Rupert is the mad scientist

at the Budapest University that wanted to marry me

and put me in a glass jar

and worship me for the rest of his life.

- And this fellow you did marry, whatshisname...

Uh, what does he do?

- Oh, he's a farmer.

- What happened to the lawyer you were married to

in New York?

- This is the same one.

- Well, why did you come out here?

Couldn't he cut the mustard in the lawyer business?

- No, he didn't like the city.

- Why not?

- Well, you haven't heard his speech yet.

When he wants to get away from the rats race,

and move to the farm, and plant his little seeds

in the rich, brown earth and water them

and take care of them and watch them "shoosting" up

towards the sun and the sky.

- Maybe you should have married

that fellow with the glass jar.

- Oh, but I'm very happy with Oliver.

- Who is Oliver?

- My husband!

- Oh, the "shooster" with the seeds.

- Oh, he's a wonderful man and I love him very much.

- When am I going to see him?

- Oh, he'll be here for lunch soon.

- Golly, gilly frogs!

It has a TV set in the back seat and a bar

and a telephone!

- I wonder who it belongs to.

- Somebody that likes to watch TV, drink booze,

and talk on the telephone!

- I'm sorry I asked.

- Just a second, I'll find out.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, are you gonna need any more subtitles?

- What?

- I guess not.

You're welcome.

- Who are you...

Oho, Lisa!

- Oliver!

My mother is here!

- She hasn't changed a bit.

- Oliver!

Come on in, she wants to see you.

It's all right, he's part of the family.

Mother!

Mother? Mother!

- What, darling, what is it?

- Oh, Mother, this is my husband.

- Of course!

I didn't realize he was so young!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, Mother.

This is my husband.

- I didn't realize he was so old.

- Uh, no, uh... - So you are whatshisname.

- Whatshisname?

- Aren't you gonna introduce me to grandma?

- Lisa, you never told me that you

and who is this have a son!

- He's not our son, he's our hired hand.

- Golly, for one mad moment there I belonged.

- Go get your lunch.

- Yes, sir.

See you later, grandma!

- Oh, stop calling her grandma!

- Well, whatchamacallit has a temper!

- Uh, let's get one thing straight.

My name... - Oh, now I remember you!

You are whatshisname.

- Mother has been traveling all over the world.

She came all the way from Italy to see us.

- Oh, that's very nice.

If you're ever in the neighborhood again,

be sure to drop in.

- Oh, no, no, this is not a drop in.

Mother's going to stay with us for a while.

- Oh, isn't that uh... - For three weeks.

- Ah!

Well, that's even more...

- You see, Mother, I told you he wouldn't mind.

- Wait till the blood rushes back to my head.

Uh, look, Mother, we'd like to have you stay, but...

- Mr. Douglas!

Guess what I found for lunch?

Caviar, champagne, pate de foie gras.

- Eh, foie...

- Mother brought us a care package.

- Thanks, grandma!

- Will you stop calling her grandma!

- Excuse me.

- Who are you?

- Me Kyoto.

You must be Mr. Whatshisname.

- Douglas.

- No, no, no, "Dougress."

- What?

- That's the only way he can pronounce it.

- Well that's...

- I start to unpack bags, Countess.

- Who's he talking to?

- Mother. She just became a Countess.

- Oh?

How did that happen?

- Well, she bought a villa in Italy

with 14 bedrooms and six baths and a Countess-ship.

- No kitchen?

- No, no, if you want a kitchen,

you can't have a Countess-ship

and since mother never goes in the kitchen,

she took the Countess-ship.

- That was a wise choice.

- They had a palace for sale, too.

If I had bought that,

I would have become the Queen of Sicily,

but it didn't have any bathrooms.

- I think you made the right move.

I always say it's better to be a clean countess

than a dirty queen.

- A dirty queen?

- Who's a dirty queen?

- Your grandmother.

- Holy crown jewels, I'm royalty!

- You're not royalty!

- What country are you the Queen of?

- No, you see, mother was going to buy this palace in Sicily

and then... - The Queen of Sicily?

- Will you go eat your lunch?

- Uh, yes, sir.

Bye, your royal grandmaship.

- Oh, holy...

- Excuse, please.

Me tried to hang up the clothes,

not enough room!

- Well, how shocking.

Lisa, how could you?

- What's the matter?

- One of the closets in your bedroom

is full of men's clothes, huh?

- Oh, well, that's Oliver's.

- Who is Oliver?

- Whatchamacallit!

- Oh, boy, now I got two of them.

Look, if you ladies will excuse me,

I think I'll get some lunch.

- Mother, what do you think of him?

- Give him a glass jar and you have another Rupert.

- I'm sorry, I'm not lending you the key.

The cannon stays chained in the park.

- Then how we gonna salute the queen?

- Who said she was a queen?

- Eb.

- Eb!

- Well, he oughter know what she is,

she's his grandmother.

- Now can we have the key for the cannon?

- No!

- Sam, don't you realize what it would mean

to Hooterville when the world finds out

we've got a queen visiting us?

Why the souvenir business alone would bring in a fortune.

- Look, Haney...

- We could sell imitation queen crowns, royal crests,

hand tinted pictures of the queen,

and even autographed throne seats.

- Now can we have the key?

- No!

- Sam, it's thinking like yours that has kept Hooterville

the small town that it is.

- And it's thinking like yours that is gonna get

Hooterville wiped off the map!

- Sam, we were only gonna fire the cannon at her

for an hour or so.

Well, not at her.

Say, how many cannonballs do you fire for a queen?

- Twelve.

- No, I think that's for a duchess.

Or is that a countess?

No, a countess is bigger than a duchess.

- Now, how do you figure that?

- Well, a duchess is a head of a dutch

and a countess is a head of a county

and that's bigger than a dutch.

- Oh, brother.

- Instead of arguing about it,

why don't we call up the State Department and find out?

Hand me the phone, will you, Sam?

- No, no, just a minute.

Who's gonna pay for the call?

- Why don't we charge it to Mr. Douglas?

It's his mother-in-law.

- Now, look, I agree the town ought to have

some kind of welcome for Mrs. Douglas's mother,

but it should be something simple.

Give her the key to the city, make a few speeches.

- Yeah!

Why don't we play her national anthem?

What is the national anthem of Sicily?

- Well, how would I know?

- Oh, well here's um... Whatshisname, heh.

He oughta know.

- Know what?

- The national "anthiem" of Sicily.

- The national "anthiem?"

- If you'll hum a few bars, I'll write it down.

- I'm sorry, I don't believe I've ever heard it.

- Your mother-in-law is the Queen of Sicily

and you don't know her national "anthiem?"

- Queen!

- Yeah, Eb told us all about it.

Well, not all about it, he didn't...

Can I have the key to the cannon, Sam?

- No!

Can you imagine?

They wanna give your mother-in-law a 21 gun salute.

- That comes right after the highness-ship party

that I'm catering for her.

- What's a highness-ship party?

- Well, that's where all the waiters dress up

as kings and queens and it ends up in a polo match.

'Course, if you prefer, I can cater her a royal ball.

Now, that's the same as a highness-ship party,

but instead of a polo match, it ends up in a fox hunt.

- Now can I have the key to the cannon, Sam?

- You can have the key to the...

- Look, fellas, it's very nice of you to

want to do something for my mother-in-law,

but just forget it.

- Are you trying to get us in trouble

with the State Department?

- I don't think they'll mind a bit.

- No?

How would it be if the President of the United States

went to Sicily and the queen

didn't throw him a presidentship party?

- Look, she's not a queen!

She... Forget it!

- Well, are you satisfied?

We sure are.

Now can we have the key for the cannon?

- Oh, bring it back!

- That silly Eb, telling everybody that she's a queen.

- Well, she would have been if she bought the palace.

- She's nothing but a no kitchen Countess.

- Even so, I don't see why you wouldn't let them

give Mother the 21 gun salute!

- She's not entitled to it.

- Well, she should have some kind of a party.

- How about if we give her a farewell party

when she leaves tomorrow?

- What?

She just got here today!

- Oh, yeah, well, I don't think it would be right

to give her a farewell party today.

- No! - No.

Would you mind telling me what's going on here?

- Oh, Mr. "Dougress!"

- Uh-huh.

- Kyoto's teaching me karate lessons.

- Look, I'm not paying you to take...

- Uh, watch.

I'll split that with my bare hand.

Hear that snap?

- It didn't break.

- Oh!

It must have been my hand.

- Next time use your head.

- Miss, what do you want me to cook for dinner?

- Whatever Mr. Douglas wants.

- It's "Dougress."

"Dougress," I mean...

Uh, look, a steak and maybe some french fries, huh?

- The Countess doesn't like steak.

She like raw fish.

If you like, I cook you some.

- You don't cook raw fish.

- Then how do you get it raw?

- Well, uh...

- Oliver, Oliver!

- Look, uh, later.

I wanna take a nap.

What are all my clothes doing on the bed?

- I gave your closet to Mother.

- Yes, would you mind getting them off of there?

I want to take my nap.

- I'm going to take the nap.

- Not in my room.

- Your room?

- Yes, I gave Mother this room.

- And where are we going to sleep?

- Well, I want to sleep here with Mother

and you can sleep in the other room on the sofa.

- Mm-hmm.

The same arrangement we had on our honeymoon.

- Oh!

Are you the fellow that went on the honeymoon with us?

- Lisa, could I talk to you privately?

Lisa, if your mother wants to...

Now what?

Oh, come in!

Hi.

- Hello, Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, hello there!

Hello there, Mr. Ziffel!

Ooh, hello, Arnold!

- We have come over to pay our respects

to the Queen of Italy.

- Sicily.

And she's not the queen.

- Well, then why are they giving her the highness-ship party

with the fox hunt?

- No, no, no, the fox hunt goes with the royal ball

and the polo goes with the...

- No, there's not going to be any party.

- Well, anyhow, Arnold never met any royalties,

so he brought a bouquet of flowers.

Ah, Arnold!

What did you wanna eat the flowers for?

- Lisa, darling, I...

- Oh, oh, Mother, I want you to meet Mr. Ziffel.

- Oh, how do you do?

- Your highness-ship.

- Oh!

- Oh, here, here, let me help you.

- And this is Mr. Ziffel's son, Arnold.

- He brought you over a stomach full of flowers.

- Arnold, uh, would like to

take you all out to dinner tonight.

- Oh, that would be lovely!

- I'm not going out to dinner with a pig.

- Well, if he don't object, why should you?

- Maybe you ladies would like to join us

and leave whatshisname home.

- That's a good idea.

Yeah, why don't you all go out to dinner

and leave me here to enjoy the peace and the quiet.

- Oliver, it's very sweet of you to sleep out here.

- Stupid is a better word.

- Well, look at it on the bright side,

Mother will only be here for three more weeks.

- I am not going to... - Shh, shh!

You'll wake up Mother.

- Oh, wouldn't that be terrible?

- Well, goodnight, darling.

Sleep well.

Lisa!

- What's the matter?

- Get him off!

- Oh, well, come on, Sean!

Come on, darling, now.

That's a good boy.

You're going to sleep here tonight.

Goodnight, sweetheart!

- Goodnight.

How did you get...

Coming!

Oh, Mr. Haney, well, what are you uh...

- Good morning, Mr. Douglas!

Happy ceremonial day!

- Ceremonial day?

- Is her queenship awake yet?

- Oh, look, Mr. Haney...

- Who is it, Oliver?

- It's Mr. Haney and he...

- Good morning, Mr. Haney.

- Is your royal mother about and stirring?

- Mm-hmm, yes.

- Good, then we can start the ceremony.

- What ceremony?

- Well, the welcoming committee is gonna give her

the keys to the city,

after which the whole town will take part in a royal frolic.

- Oh!

Mother, they're here to frolic you!

- Lisa, don't!

- This is a great day for Hooterville,

having the Queen of Sicily in our midst.

- She's not a queen!

What's that?

What do you think you're doing here?

What's...

- We're giving the queen a royal salute.

- Oh, now will you, hey!

What?

- Fire!

Okay, reload.

- Hey, don't put another...

- Mr. Douglas, now, we have got to give her majesty

her 21 gun salute.

- Since we don't have 21 guns,

it took a little figurin' out.

- Yeah, all we could find was one cannon

and three cannonballs.

- So what we gonna do is three-ball her seven times.

- Three ball... - Fire!

Okay, reload.

- We gotta go pick up the cannonballs, first.

- No, no don't bother to pick up the...

Hey!

- Mr. Haney, this is my mother.

- Your "Highnesty."

On behalf of the citizens of Hooterville,

I bid you welcome

and present you with this solid gold wooden key to the city.

- Hold it!

Haney, you said you'd wait for us for the ceremony.

- Oh, I forgot.

I sold the television rights to the Pixley TV station

for $12.

- For 12...

- Excuse me, would you mind stepping aside, buddy?

We wanna get a shot of the queen.

- Oh, Mother, you'll be on TV.

- And they canceled The Smothers Brothers.

- Have you got some kind of a royal crown

you could wear?

- Eh, no, I'm sorry.

- You don't have a royal crown?

I'll be glad to rent you this.

Oh!

Thank you so much.

- That'll be $700.

- 700... - I found this out back.

Boy, what a shot.

Went right through the side of your barn.

- What?

- Excuse me.

- Kimball, if you fire...

- Mac, would you mind stepping aside, please?

You're casting a shadow.

- I don't give a...

- Next, I want you to get a full shot of the hovel.

- What hovel?

- Our house.

- Now, here's what we want you to do, Your Majesty.

We're gonna give you a couple of bags of groceries

and we want you to take them into the hovel

like you're giving them to the poor people that live there.

- What poor people?

- Us. We own the hovel.

- Stop calling it a hovel!

- Next, I wanna get a shot of you coming out of the hovel

and have this dirty faced little kid come out

and thank you and you give him a kiss.

You got a dirty faced little kid around?

- No, we don't have a... - How 'bout me?

- Yeah, fine.

Only you have to play it on your knees.

- Golly!

I'm gonna be on TV with the queen!

Uh, would you give this to Mr. Kimball?

Ooh!

Oh, you dimwit!

Look, I want everybody out of here!

- Oh, but Oliver!

- Out, out! - Oliver!

Oliver!

Oliver!

- How long are they gonna keep shooting that stupid...

- Well, that was number 19, they only have two more to go.

- What did you bring all that out here for?

- Well, if you're going to sleep out here,

I'm going to sleep out here with you.

- Oh, what about your mother?

- She doesn't want to sleep out here.

- Well, that's something.

Here.

I'm about fed up with that cannon shooting,

the TV cameraman, that Haney fawning all over that

phony queen mother of yours!

- Oh, Oliver.

I didn't come out here to fight with you.

- What did you come out here for?

- Well, a wife's place is next to her husband,

no matter how cold his feet are.

- My feet aren't cold.

- Oh, if they don't stop!

- Well, there is only one more to go.

Isn't this better than sleeping in the hovel?

- Yeah, better.

- Then, what do you want to do,

discuss politics or play cards

or give me a kiss?

- Have you got the cards?

- I guess Mother was wrong about all the nice things

she said about you.

- Oh?

What'd she say?

- She said, "I think whatshisname is very sweet."

I think that deserves a kiss.

- It certainly does.

- Where are you going?

- To kiss your mother, she's the one that said it.

- Oliver!

- Oh, I'm just gonna close the door.

- Oh!

Ah!

- Ooh!

- Well, that's the last one.

I certainly hope so.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.