Original subtitles

EXCUSE ME. YES.

I CAN'T READ THIS TEXT.

I THINK MY BOYFRIEND BOUGHT ME AN HD TV.

BUT I LEFT MY GLASSES AT HOME.

I CAN'T SEE IT.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THAT SAYS?

OH, IT SAYS, "YOU PROBABLY HAVE HPV.

"I THINK YOU SHOULD GET IT CHECKED OUT.

I'M SORRY." "I'M SORRY."

SO, THAT'S NOT A TV?

THAT'S, UM...

NO. THAT'S AN STD.

MY BOYFRIEND GAVE ME AN STD.

I'M AFRAID -- WELL, UM...

I THINK HE'S SAYING SOMETHING.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT HE'S SAYING.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME I SHOULD STUFF MY PANTS.

HYAH!

A LITTLE LOWER DOWN THERE.

OH, YEAH. WORK IT!

OH!

ARE YOU BEING BAD?

OH, HI, THERE.

I'M JUST SETTING UP FOR A LITTLE IMPROMPTU POTLUCK DINNER

THAT I ARRANGED WITH MY FRIENDS LAST MINUTE.

OH, HERE THEY ARE NOW.

HI, BETTY!

I BROUGHT MY DELICIOUS PASTA SALAD.

- IT LOOKS GREAT. - YEAH.

AND I BROUGHT MY FAMOUS PECAN PIE.

OH, HONEY, IT SMELLS DELICIOUS.

AND WHAT DID YOU MAKE, BETTY?

EH, UH, I MADE, UH...PHONE CALLS TO ALL OF YOU.

LET'S EAT.

OH.

OH, THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

OH.

OH, NO. OH, NO!

DAMN IT.

OH.

I CAN FIX IT.

YOU JUST HOLD IT FOR ME. NOBODY WILL KNOW.

WHAT? IT WILL BE OUR SECRET.

OKAY.

SMELLS GOOD, DOESN'T IT? YEAH.

OH, GOD.

YEAH, I WILL.

YOU THINK THAT'S ENOUGH? DID I PUT IN ENOUGH?

NO.

THANK YOU.

YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T THINK HE EVER EXPECTED TO END UP HERE.

THANK YOU.

MISS. A MOMENT.

YOU CAN'T HAVE EAR BUDS IN WHEN YOU'RE WALKING HERE.

OKAY.

HANG ON. HANG ON. HANG ON.

THERE'S A FINE FOR THAT.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? YES.

HOW MUCH IS THE FINE?

FIVE CENTS A MINUTE. HOW LONG WERE YOU ON IT?

OKAY, SO I WAS ON IT FOR A MINUTE.

ONE MINUTE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. WAIT A MINUTE. YOU NEED CHANGE.

Man: WOULD YOU LADIES LIKE TO TRY A DOUGHNUT?

OH, NO. BUT THEY LOOK DELICIOUS.

YOU SURE? JULIE, YOU WANT TO TRY ONE?

I ACTUALLY KIND OF WOULD. YES. OKAY.

- THAT'S VERY GOOD. - DO YOU LIKE IT?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

I FOUND THEM IN THE TRASH OVER THERE,

AND I JUST TOOK OUT A COUPLE CIGARETTE BUTTS.

HMM.

WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER ONE?

OKAY.

WELL, HAVE A GOOD DAY.

OKAY. BYE.

♪ NA NA NA NA NA ♪

EXCUSE ME, LADIES.

I HAVE TO RUN AND FRESHEN UP AT THE LADIES ROOM.

COULD YOU WASH MY SCOOTER FOR JUST -- YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING THIS SCOOTER FOR ME.

I NEEDED TO FRESHEN UP. I FEEL A LOT BETTER.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

HI. WE'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TWO TO LUNCH.

AND HAVE A FEW DRINKS WITH US.

ON US.

WE JUST HAD LUNCH. HE HAS TO GO BACK TO WORK.

YOU WANT TO MEET US FOR DINNER?

I HAVE TO GO.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. - I DO.

I GOT TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST.

WHAT'S UP?

WE'RE ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR A COUPLE

TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH BOTH OF US.

AND WHEN WE SAW YOU COMING, WE GO, "THOSE ARE PERFECT 10s."

SHUT UP!

YOU TWO ARE JUST GORGEOUS.

Man: WE'LL BUY YOU DRINKS IF YOU WANT.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, JUST LOOK FOR US ON CRAIGSLIST.

BYE. THANK YOU.

Woman: BYE NOW!

HI, SIR.

DO YOU MIND IF I INSTAGRAM YOUR FOOD?

OH.

#DREADFULFOOD.

I THINK IT'S SO IMPORTANT

TO BE PREPARED IN THE EVENT OF A DISASTER.

THAT'S WHY I'M PACKING MYSELF A SURVIVAL KIT

FULL OF THINGS I WOULDN'T WANT TO GO WITHOUT

IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY.

OKAY.

GET IN.

- CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? - YEAH.

I'M SNEAKING OUT TONIGHT.

I HAVE A DATE WITH A YOUNGER GUY.

- AND I NEED A YOUNGER GUY'S ADVICE. - AREN'T YOU A NUN?

YES. OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

- OH, MY AUNT'S A NUN. - MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME.

SHE'S A GOOD NUN.

WELL, MAYBE I'M NOT SO GOOD.

WHAT KIND OF UNDERWEAR DO GIRLS WEAR THESE DAYS?

- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - YEAH, WHAT DO YOU LIKE?

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T FEEL RIGHT

HAVING THIS CONVERSATION 'CAUSE MY AUNT'S A NUN.

- SHE HELPED RAISE ME. - WELL, I'M NOT YOUR AUNT.

I KNOW.

BUT IT'S NOT BAD --LOOK ONLINE. VICTORIA'S SECRET.

THANK YOU.

TODAY I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A GOOD WINGWOMAN.

EVERY GIRL NEEDS A BACK-UP

IF SHE'S GONNA TRY TO BAG A HOTTIE AT THE BAR.

YOU DEFINITELY DON'T WANT A WINGWOMAN THAT'S GONNA COMPETE.

SO MAYBE PICK SOMEONE WHO'S UGLIER THAN YOU.

ALSO, A GOOD WINGWOMAN

NEVER, EVER LETS HER FRIEND DRINK TOO MUCH

OR GETS DRUNK HERSELF.

WOW. I JUST REALIZED.

I'M THE WORST WINGWOMAN IN THE WORLD.

SIR?

YOU HAVE TO FEED THE METER.

SIR, YOU GOT TO FEED IT.

GOT TO FEED THE METER.

FEED THE METER.

I'M JUST GONNA SIT HERE.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET ANY KIND OF MONEY

IF YOU DON'T FEED THE METERS?

COME ON. FEED THE METER.

YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A QUARTER?

GOT TO FEED THE METER.

WHERE YOU GOING?

SIR, YOU GOT TO FEED THE METER.

NOBODY WANTS TO FEED THE METER.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

WE GOT A CRANE COMING OVER.

YOU JUST HAVE TO WEAR THIS.

IT'LL BE -- IT'S COMING OVER THIS WAY.

JUST WEAR THIS HARD HAT.

SOMEONE WILL TAKE IT ON THE OTHER END.

YEAH, YEAH. JUST PUT IT ON YOUR HEAD.

STOP. HERE?

YEAH. OKAY.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMITMENT.

YOU MAY GO.

- THANK YOU! - THANK YOU!

EXCUSE ME. CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

SURE.

I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM MY NEW BOYFRIEND.

HE SAYS HE'S COMING HOME WITH CRABS,

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PREPARE IT.

OH. IT'S FROM HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND.

IT'S A FUNNY GIFT, ISN'T IT?

YEAH. I HAVE NO IDEA. I'VE NEVER PREPARED --

HE SAYS HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND GAVE HIM CRABS,

AND IF I HAVE TO COOK THAT, I DON'T KNOW HOW.

WELL, YOU MIGHT WANT TO GOOGLE SOMETHING.

THAT COULD HELP.

OKAY. THANK YOU.

GOOD LUCK.

SIR, COULD YOU HELP ME A MINUTE, PLEASE?

JUST HOLD THIS.

I GOT TO TAKE MY BONER PILL.

I'M HAVING A PARTY IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

I GOT ALL THESE CHICKS COMING OVER,

SO I GOT TO GET IT UP

BECAUSE IN 45 MINUTES, I GOT TO BE READY TO GO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU WANT TO COME TO THE PARTY?

YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME TO IT.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT. WE GOT ETHEL,

MARGARET, AND PEARL.

AND HERE THEY ARE! OH, HEY, LADIES!

HOW YOU DOING? OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE GONNA MISS A GREAT PARTY.

OKAY. COME ON, GIRLS. LET'S GO. PARTY TIME.

WELL, HELLO. I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

THE AWARD FOR THE WORST BICYCLE SECURITY GUARD

GOES TO YOU, SIR.

CONGRATULATIONS.

IS THERE ANYONE YOU'D LIKE TO THANK?

NO? OKAY. WELL, WELL DESERVED.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU MIND TAKING A PICTURE FOR MY WIFE?

I'M HERE ON VACATION.

OKAY. ONE, TWO.

TELL ME WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT READY.

- I'M GONNA TAKE OFF MY HAT. - OKAY, I'M READY.

THE ONE YOU JUST TOOK IS FOR MY WIFE.

- THIS IS FOR MY EX-WIFE. - OH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

MY EX-WIFE IS A BITCH.

BYE. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

- I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION. - OKAY.

MY DAUGHTER -- SHE WEARS GRANNY PANTIES,

AND I CAN'T STAND IT.

AND I WANT TO MAKE HER LIFE A LITTLE SEXIER.

OKAY.

I CROCHETED HER THESE BIKINI, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER THEY ARE.

- CAN YOU SLIP THIS ON? - YEAH, OF COURSE.

OH, THANK YOU.

IF IT WORKS OR NOT.

OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

IT WILL WORK.

IT'S JUST MAYBE I HAVE A BIGGER ASS THEN SHE DOES.

YOU LOOK LIKE THE SAME SIZE.

OH, FANTASTIC. I LOVE IT.

GOOD, GOOD. THANK YOU.

THAT'S GREAT. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO MAKE A LITTLE BRA, TOO.

- WOULDN'T THAT BE CUTE? - YEAH, REALLY CUTE.

NICE MEETING YOU. GOOD LUCK.

THANK YOU A LOT.

♪ BA BA BA BA BA, BA BA BA BA BA ♪

HERE WE ARE, HENRY. YOUR FAVORITE SPOT.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH, HENRY.

HERE GOES.

DON'T YOU LOVE IT, HENRY? I KNOW.

THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE.

OOH. COME ON, HENRY.

OH.

HENRY LOVED THIS PLACE.

GET THAT NICE AFTERNOON SUN.

THERE YOU GO, HENRY.

OH. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

TOM. TOM?

YES. HENRY, THIS IS TOM.

A LITTLE BIT MORE.

THERE YOU GO.

IT WAS A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.

YOU AND HENRY HANG OUT FOR A WHILE.

OKAY.

Man: SIR? YES?

WHAT DAY IS TODAY?

FRIDAY.

AND WHAT YEAR IS THIS?

2013.

OH, THEN THE ZARPICHINE DOES WORK.

I'M BACK FROM THE FUTURE.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOUR GRANDCHILD IS GONNA DESTROY THE WORLD.

SO LET ME TELL YOU.

JUST, UH, DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH SEX.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'LL HELP THE WORLD.

AND I'M GOING BACK TO THE FUTURE.

OKAY.

HEY, WILL YOU TAKE MY PICTURE?

OKAY? YEAH.

OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LET'S SEE. LET'S SEE.

PERFECT.

THANK YOU.

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH-OOH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

I TOLD MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW I'D CHECK OUT THIS PARK.

HAVE YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE?

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

REALLY? OH.

NOTE TO SELF -- AVOID FOREIGNERS.

FIND MORE OF AN AMERICAN PARK.

REALLY.

I DON'T TRUST THEM.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

NOTE TO SELF -- STAY AWAY FROM RUDE FOREIGNERS.

MISS.

I'M JUST GONNA ASK YOU ABOUT THOSE JEANS.

OKAY.

IT'S ABOUT INDECENT EXPOSURE.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO WRITE YOU UP FOR THAT.

- YOU'RE JOKING. - DO I LOOK LIKE I'M JOKING?

OKAY. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

LOOK. I'M ONLY DOING MY JOB.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. I'VE BEEN DOING THIS ALL DAY.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TICKET EVERYBODY WHO'S IN VIOLATION,

WHICH YOU ARE.

YOU TAKE THAT. YOU TAKE THIS.

I QUIT. I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

I'M DONE. I'M DONE.

I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE.

IF YOU CAN DO A BETTER JOB, GOD BLESS.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES. HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN A SCOOTER?

MY MOBILITY SCOOTER.

I GOT THIS APP ON MY PHONE.

IT TELLS YOU WHERE YOUR SCOOTER IS, RIGHT?

IT SAYS IT'S AROUND HERE.

YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK APPS?

IT WORKS! HOT DANG!

HEY.

YEAH, RIGHT.

AHH.

Man: EXCUSE ME. HI.

COULD YOU HELP ME A MINUTE, PLEASE? SURE.

WONDER IF YOU CAN HELP ME A MINUTE.

I TOLD MY WIFE THAT I WAS GOING ON A BUSINESS TRIP,

AND ACTUALLY I'M HERE JUST HAVING A GOOD TIME RELAXING

AND READING THE NEWSPAPER.

BUT I NEED, LIKE, AN ALIBI.

CRINKLE THE PAPER. IT WILL SOUND LIKE STATIC.

LET ME GET HER ON THE PHONE.

HONEY. OH, YEAH.

THE RECEPTION IS AWFUL.

OH, IT'S JUST AWFUL.

THE STATIC IS REALLY, REALLY BAD.

COULD YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE PAPERS

AND JUST CRINKLE IT AND WE'LL MAKE IT SOUND LIKE STATIC?

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. JUST DO IT.

YOU SURE?

YEAH, YOU SHOULDN'T LIE TO YOUR WIFE.

BUT IT WILL HELP ME A LOT.

HERE AT "OFF THEIR ROCKERS," WE RUN A TIGHT SHIP.

BUT SOMETIMES THINGS DON'T GO ACCORDING TO PLAN.

INTERESTING.

WE'RE THE WRONG GUYS TO FOOL WITH THAT, THOUGH.

WE SEE THE CAMERAS.

WE KIND OF KNOW WE'RE BEING FILMED RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

CAN YOU YELL, "HEY, MARVIN"?

- I CAN'T. - MARVIN!

TELL HIM, "I'M OVULATING. LET'S MAKE A BABY."

IS THIS A PRANK SHOW?

THIS IS LIKE THAT BETTY PA-- AND I CAN SEE A CAMERA.

OH!

I NEED YOU TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.

YOU'RE THE LADY FROM "OFF THEIR ROCKERS," AREN'T YOU?

NO. WHAT'S THAT?

IS THIS THE -- AM I ON THE BETTY WHITE SHOW RIGHT NOW?

YOU ARE THAT LADY. I'VE SEEN THAT SHOW.

Woman: I'M NOT THAT LADY. I'VE SEEN THAT SHOW SEVERAL TIMES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

IS THIS A JOKE?

THIS IS A JOKE, ISN'T IT?

WHO?

IS SHE AN ACTRESS?

I KNOW THAT THIS IS A LITTLE BIT AWKWARD,

BUT HE TOLD ME YOU WOULD BE HERE AND I'M DATING YOUR EX

AND I JUST WANTED TO GET YOUR PERMISSION. OKAY?

I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND IN MY LIFE.

AND WE'RE ON "WORLD RECORD BREAKERS"

AND HE'S GOING TO ATTEMPT

THE LONGEST ON-SCREEN KISS WITH EDNA.

WITH YOU?

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

NO. NO. HE'S NOT MY TYPE.

OH.

YOUR FRIENDS HAVE ARRANGED FOR YOU

TO GET A GRANDMA GRAM TODAY.

HERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PIE

FROM WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL THAT I BAKED FOR YOU.

OH, OH. I CAN'T EAT PIE. I'M DIABETIC.

I'VE REALLY ENJOYED MY 75-YEAR CAREER AS AN ACTRESS.

BUT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE,

WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS DIRECT.

Man: MARK.

GO SOUTH ON THE 405.

BUT STAY IN THE SECOND LANE TO THE RIGHT.

THAT'S A CUT.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUICK QUESTION?

I'VE BEEN GETTING THE FEELING THAT I'M BEING WATCHED.

AND I CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON IT.

YOU HEAR ABOUT THESE THINGS, BUT IT FEELS TO ME --

YEAH, NOBODY'S WATCHING YOU.

YOU SURE? YEAH.

'CAUSE I KNOW THEY PUT CAMERAS IN EVERYTHING.

NO, YOU'RE FINE. YOU'RE GOOD.

LIKE OVER HERE.

JUST...LIKE OVER THERE IN THAT BABY CARRIAGE.

AM I LOSING MY MIND OR IS THAT A CAMERA?

IT IS A CAMERA, BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S PUTTING IT ON YOU.

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

WHAT'S HE DOING? I MEAN, THIS IS...

HE'S JUST -- HE'S, UH...FIDDLING WITH HIS KID.

HIS KID.

AND THIS GUY... THAT IS A CAMERA.

THAT'S WEIRD. BUT HE'S NOT LOOKING AT US.

LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THIS.

SEE -- SEE THE BLANKET ON THE BABY CARRIAGE?

YEAH. WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

OH, THEY'RE JUST FUSSING WITH THEIR KIDS.

HMM. I WOULD JUST WALK AWAY.

I DON'T KNOW. THIS --

IT'S A LITTLE ODD.

I MEAN, IF I STOOD HER

AND KIND OF THOUGHT ABOUT IT A LONG TIME,

I THINK I WOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO.

BUT HE'S -- I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WOW. OKAY?

AND NOW...

NEVER, EVER LET SUCCESS GO TO YOUR HEAD.

IT'S MUCH BETTER TO LET IT GO TO YOUR SHOULDERS.

DID THAT CAMERA JUST TURN OR NOT?

YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SIR?

IT IS WEIRD.

AND, YOU SEE, I'M NOT CRAZY.

AT LEAST I KNOW I'M NOT PARANOID.

WHEW!

I HAVE NO IDEA.

IT IS STRANGE.

I KNOW.