Original subtitles

EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU HELP ME FOR ONE SECOND?

HOLD IT SO I CAN LIKE BREAK THIS LOCK?

IT'S MY WIFE'S DIARY, AND I THINK SHE'S FOOLING AROUND.

OKAY.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT ARE THESE? CONDOMS?

I THINK SHE'S SEEING SOMEBODY.

THANKS.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME I SHOULD STUFF MY PANTS.

HYAH!

A LITTLE LOWER DOWN THERE.

OH, YEAH! WORK IT!

ARE YOU BEING BAD?

HI, THERE.

I WAS JUST GONNA READ ANOTHER E-MAIL FROM A FAN.

OH, MY.

IF THERE'S ONE THING I'D WANT MOST IN THE WORLD,

IT WOULD BE WORLD PEACE.

BUT IF THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE,

I'LL TAKE ROBERT REDFORD AND FORGET WORLD PEACE.

THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I'VE EVER SEEN.

- OH, YEAH. SHE'S GORGEOUS. - UNBELIEVABLE.

WOULD YOU BE MY WING MAN?

YOU KNOW, JUST FOR A MINUTE?

COME ON.

MA'AM, WE JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL.

AWW, THANK YOU.

I'M JIMMY.

THIS IS MY NEPHEW.

OKAY, YEAH. JIMMY.

- AWW, REALLY? - JIMMY.

- AND THIS IS... YOUR NAME IS? - MIA.

MIA. YES.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NAME.

AWW, THANK YOU.

JIMMY, TELL HER ABOUT, YOU KNOW, MY STOCK PORTFOLIO.

THIS GENTLEMAN IS VERY, VERY SUCCESSFUL.

- REALLY? WOW. - THANK YOU.

AND WHAT KIND OF CAR DO I DRIVE, JIMMY?

HE HAS A VERY NICE MERCEDES-BENZ.

UH-HUH. WOW.

SO, MIA... YES?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH?

I WOULD LOVE TO.

OKAY. THANK YOU.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

THANK YOU, YOU TOO.

ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE THE BEST, JIMMY.

HELLO.

GOD BLESS YOU.

GOD BLESS YOU.

Man: EXCUSE ME.

YOU KNOW, THE GUY ORDERED THE WRONG-SIZED BREAD

AND WE'RE HAVING A SPECIAL ON FOOT-LONGS,

AND SO I'VE GOT TO TRY TO MEASURE ONE FOOT.

THAT LOOKS LIKE A FOOT.

CAN I JUST, LIKE, MEASURE IT?

OKAY.

'CAUSE I GOT TO MAKE A FEW SANDWICHES,

AND I DON'T WANT MY BOSS TO GET MAD AT ME.

I GOT TO MAKE, LIKE THIS.

LET'S SEE. THIS IS...

ONE MORE. ONE MORE. JUST ONE MORE, OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

THESE SANDWICHES ARE GONNA BE SO DELICIOUS.

OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OKAY.

STOP BY AT THE STORE AND I'LL GIVE YOU A FREE ONE, OKAY?

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND TAKE MY PICTURE?

OF COURSE. YEAH.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I WANT THE PIER IN THE BACKGROUND.

- UH-HUH. - ONE, TWO, THREE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THAT'S FOR MY HUSBAND.

HE'S IN PRISON.

HE'LL MAKE LOTS OF FRIENDS WITH THAT.

THANK YOU.

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ OOOOH ♪

YOUNG LADIES, IF YOU WERE GOING OUT WITH A GUY,

WOULD YOU LIKE A GUY THAT WORE GLASSES OR DIDN'T WEAR GLASSES?

I DON'T REALLY HAVE A PREFERENCE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL TAKE MY GLASSES OFF.

NOW, IF YOU HAD YOUR PREFERENCE,

WOULD YOU PREFER A MAN IN BLUE OR RED?

OH, BLUE. BLUE? OKAY.

- HOW'S THIS? GOOD? - OHHH.

WAIT, WAIT, WATCH.

WOULD YOU LIKE HIM BALD OR WITH HAIR?

YEAH, HAIR.

HAIR? OKAY, WAIT, WAIT.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

I LOVE IT.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 8:00.

- OKAY. - I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

TAKE CARE.

White: PEOPLE OFTEN ASK ME,

"BETTY, WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU WON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT?"

I TELL THEM THAT IT'S DIGNITY.

OF COURSE, I RARELY RETURN HOME WITH IT.

Man: I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE. I'LL DO ALL THE TALKING.

THE LAUNCH CODES YOU NEED ARE IN THIS ENVELOPE,

ALONG WITH ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEED

TO GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY.

WHEN YOU GET OUT, GIVE THE INFORMATION TO THE FALCON.

THEN, LEAVE FOR GUATEMALA.

I'LL SEE YOU IN GUATEMALA.

♪ TELL ME WHERE ♪

♪ WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS? ♪

♪ TELL ME WHERE ♪

SIR, DO YOU NEED HELP?

MY -- MY GIRLFRIEND GOT MAD AT ME,

AND SHE CHAINED ME TO THIS POLE.

SIR, THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

WHAT TYPE OF GIRLFRIEND DOES THAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU DATE COLLEGE GIRLS.

- COLLEGE GIRLS? - YEAH.

MM.

ARE YOU BEING BAD?

WELL, MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE BAD

AND I FOOLED AROUND AND SHE GOT MAD.

YEAH, NO.

A GENTLEMAN YOUR AGE SHOULDN'T DATE COLLEGE GIRLS.

COLLEGE GIRLS ARE WILD.

ARE YOU AVAILABLE?

NO, I'M NOT.

OHHH.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN. YOU'RE SO NICE.

THANK YOU. I'LL BE GOOD.

FROM WHAT PEOPLE SEE OF ME ON TV,

THEY GET THE IMPRESSION THAT I'M ALWAYS OUT AND ABOUT,

PULLING JOKES ON PEOPLE

AND HANGING OUT WITH HOT, YOUNG GUYS.

BUT THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.

IT'S ONLY HALF TRUE.

SIR, HI. HOW ARE YOU?

WE HAVE A BRAND-NEW COLOGNE, AND IT'S FROM DENMARK,

AND IT'S CALLED SLUTS. SLUTS.

IT'S GUARANTEED TO ATTRACT THE WORST KIND OF WOMAN,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? HUH?

HERE, LET ME TRY SOME ON YOU.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? TRY IT.

SMELLS OKAY.

JUST OKAY? YOU DON'T THINK IT --

- SMELLS PRETTY GOOD. - PRETTY GOOD.

ARE YOU WEARING SLUT?

PLEASE, GET OUT OF HERE.

CAN I HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER?

GET OUT OF HERE.

THAT WAS THE OLD SLUTS.

WAIT. LET ME GIVE YOU THE YOUNG SLUTS.

ARE YOU READY? HERE WE GO.

OKAY.

HOW'S THAT? IS THAT BETTER?

YEAH. THIS ONE'S GOOD.

SMELLS REALLY GOOD.

OOH, ARE YOU WEARING SLUTS?

YES.

CAN I SMELL?

OH, I LOVE THAT SMELL.

IT'S SO GOOD.

IT SMELLS SO GOOD ON YOU.

ARE YOU FREE LATER?

YES.

OKAY, CALL ME.

HERE, LET ME SPRAY YOU SOME MORE.

EXCUSE ME.

I WAS OUT HERE LAST NIGHT AND I WAS DRUNK,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I PICKED UP THIS GUY AND HE'S KIND OF MY PRINCE CHARMING,

BUT I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.

BUT HE SENT ME THIS PIC,

AND I WAS WONDERING, IS THIS YOU?

CAN WE COMPARE?

GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU'RE SERIOUS?

YEAH.

I MEAN, DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU?

I WAS PRETTY WASTED.

I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HIS FACE LOOKED LIKE.

IT'S NOT YOU, HUH?

WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE FRIENDLY ADVICE?

TODAY, I'M TALKING TO THE GUYS OUT THERE.

I KNOW IT CAN BE INTIMIDATING TO APPROACH A GIRL YOU DON'T KNOW,

BUT HERE'S HOW NOT TO HIT ON A CHICK.

FIRSTLY, MAKE SURE YOUR T-SHIRT IS NOT TIGHTER THAN HERS.

SECOND, DON'T BE A STAGE-FIVE CLINGER.

JUST BECAUSE WE SAID HI TO YOU,

IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT

TO ATTACH YOURSELF TO OUR LEG

LIKE AN OVER-EXCITED CHIHUAHUA.

AND, GUYS, A LITTLE COLOGNE NEVER HURT.

BUT IT NEVER TAKES THE PLACE OF AN ACTUAL SHOWER, EITHER.

OH.

YOU'RE THROWING YOUR NUTS ON ME.

OH, OH.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SO QUIET.

OH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS SITTING HERE?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE THERE.

I'M SO SORRY.

THAT'S OKAY.

I'M WAITING FOR MY BLIND DATE.

OH, NICE.

YEAH, I'VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE.

IS SHE BLIND, TOO?

I NEVER ASKED HER.

OH.

ARE YOU HER?

NO.

WELL, MAYBE WE COULD GO ON A DATE.

OH, NO.

I ALREADY HAVE A BOYFRIEND, THANK YOU.

OH, NOT LIKE ME.

OKAY, WELL, WISH ME LUCK.

I'M GONNA TRY TO FIND MY BLIND DATE.

OH!

OH, OH!

OH. OH.

YEAH.

ARE YOU OKAY? I'M SORRY.

NO, NO PROBLEM.

THANK YOU.

WANT YOUR BAG?

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES. MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME.

I'VE GOT A DIGNITARY. I'M WITH THE GOVERNMENT.

HE WILL NOT WALK ACROSS THE STREET

UNLESS SOME ROSE PETALS ARE STREWN BY A VIRGIN.

DO YOU MIND? WE JUST WANT TO GET HIM OVER --

WELL, HE IS A PRINCE OF SIAM.

YEAH, JUST THE ROSE PETALS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

OKAY. OKAY?

- FROM WHERE? - ON THE GROUND AS HE GOES.

OKAY?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

PETALS.

PETALS.

PETALS.

MORE PETALS.

PETALS.

PETALS.

OH, DEAR.

MORE, MORE, PLEASE.

MORE PETALS. MORE PETALS.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S ENOUGH PETALS.

THAT'S AWFUL, REALLY.

WHAT IS GOING ON? THAT'S TERRIBLE.

IT'S NOT RIGHT.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

SORRY, WE RAN OUT.

I APPRECIATE IT.

YEAH.

HE'S A JERK. I'M SORRY.

♪ OOOH, OOH, OOOH ♪

YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY ARE OBSESSED WITH CLOTHES FROM THE '50s,

SO I DECIDED TO SELL OFF SOME OF MY VINTAGE PIECES.

WHAT? I INVENTED THAT LOOK.

HI. I'M TRYING TO DATE.

I'VE BEEN DIVORCED,

AND I WAS JUST THINKING

IF I MADE THESE UP AND I THREW THEM OUT,

MAYBE I CAN GET A DATE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

SURE. YOU THINK SO?

YEAH.

CAN YOU HELP ME THROW OUT ONE OR TWO?

WHAT -- WHAT AM I DOING?

JUST FRISBEE.

NO.

LIKE THAT.

SEE, I DON'T WANT A DUDE TO PICK IT UP.

TRY IT, TRY IT, TRY IT.

OKAY, I'M GONNA THROW IT.

WAIT.

EXCUSE ME, IS THIS YOU?

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S ME.

BOY, YOU'RE HANDSOME IN PERSON.

OH, YOU MEAN YOU'RE INTERESTED?

NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET SOMEBODY SO YOUNG.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - MICHELLE.

YOU WANT COFFEE? YEAH.

COME ON. HEY, SEE? IT WORKED.

THANKS.

EXCUSE ME?

CAN YOU WATCH THIS A SECOND SO I CAN RUN, GO TO THE BATHROOM?

SURE.

OH, YOU'RE SO NICE. THANK YOU.

YOU CAN'T PARK YOUR SCOOTER ON THE SIDEWALK.

THAT'S NOT MINE.

THAT'S NOT YOURS, HUH?

NO. THERE'S, LIKE, THE GIRL WENT INSIDE TO GO PEE.

UH-HUH. GO PEE, HUH?

- NO, IT'S NOT MINE. - YEAH, SURE.

SERIOUSLY.

JUST STAND RIGHT THERE, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

NO, IT'S NOT MINE.

WELL, YOU'LL TELL THAT TO THE JUDGE. THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S NOT MINE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

IT'S NOT MINE.

IT'S GONNA COST YOU SOME MONEY, PAL.

IT'S NOT MINE.

WELL, HEY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU GOT A TICKET.

WHAT? YEAH.

THAT OLD GUY...

YEAH?

HE CAME HERE AND...

OH.

SCREW THIS.

I'M NOT PAYING ANY TICKET.

SIR?

DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CELLPHONES?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, MY DAUGHTER SENT ME THIS,

BUT THE BATTERY LIFE IS TERRIBLE.

AND SOMEONE TOLD ME

THAT IF YOU RUB IT ON A PARTICULAR FABRIC,

IT CAN RECHARGE THE BATTERY.

CAN I JUST RUB IT AND SEE IF IT'LL WORK?

- I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT AT ALL. - I KNOW, IT'S CRAZY.

- GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD. - OH, GOOD. OKAY.

BEND OVER JUST A LITTLE. JUST A LITTLE BIT.

OKAY, I'M GONNA DO IT RIGHT HERE, OKAY?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OH, DANG.

BUT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK, THOUGH.

OH.

YOU KNOW, I SWEAR TO GOD, IT WENT UP A LITTLE BIT.

REALLY? I SWEAR.

BUT IT HAS TO BE THE RIGHT FABRIC.

THAT IS CRAZY.

I KNOW. THANKS SO MUCH.

Man: SHE NEVER DIALS THE WRONG NUMBER.

YOU JUST PICK UP THE WRONG PHONE.

SHE NOT ONLY KNOWS JACK,

HE'S HER BFF.

SHE WATCHES "60 MINUTES" IN 20 SECONDS.

SAME TIME NEXT WEEK?

YEP.

WHAT?

SOMETIMES YOUR EGO NEEDS SOME EXERCISE, TOO.

♪ OOOH, OOH, OOH-OOOH ♪

YOU KNOW HOW TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH AN iPHONE?

SURE.

CAN YOU SHOW ME HOW?

YOU JUST PUSH THE CAMERA BUTTON RIGHT THERE.

SEE THIS ONE? PERFECT.

VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY PERFECT.

HERE YOU GO.

WOW, THIS IS A GREAT PICTURE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT?

I'M GONNA USE THIS PICTURE ON MY INTERNET-DATING PROFILE.

WITH THIS FACE, JUST THINK OF ALL THE BOOTY I COULD CRUSH.

WELL, YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED.

BUT I WISH YOU LUCK.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

HEY, THANKS A LOT.

Woman: EXCUSE ME, LADIES?

COULD I ASK YOUR OPINION ABOUT SOMETHING?

I'VE BEEN PONDERING IT ALL MORNING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF A TEACHER DATING A STUDENT?

UM...

IT DEPENDS THE AGE, I THINK.

SEE, I KNOW.

BUT WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

AND, LOOK, I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M ATTRACTED TO HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I MEAN, THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS, RIGHT?

OH, THERE HE IS.

HE'S MY COLLEGE PROFESSOR.

HI, HONEY.

YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY YEARS IT TOOK ME

TO GET BACK TO COLLEGE.

LOOK WHO'S TEACHER'S PET NOW?

WELL, HE'S HOT.

ISN'T HE? I KNOW.

HAVE A GOOD DAY, LADIES.

Man: COULD YOU HELP ME ONE SECOND?

MY DOCTOR SAYS I GOT TO DO 10,000 STEPS.

I'M UP TO 554.

COULD I PUT THIS ON YOU SO I GET MY NUMBERS UP?

IT'S A PEDOMETER.

WHERE?

ON YOUR POCKET.

CLIP IT ON.

JUST GIVE ME 50 STEPS RIGHT HERE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

THIS IS GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

OH, YEAH, MAN, THE BOXING STEP.

I'LL PROBABLY GET DOUBLE FOR THAT.

THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS GOOD.

YEAH, THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS GOOD.

I CAUGHT YOU RIGHT AT THE RIGHT TIME, DIDN'T I?

YEAH! RIGHT. LIKE THAT!

WHAT'S THE NUMBER?

IT'S GOING BACKWARDS.

DANG.

I LOST...

GOOD AFTERNOON.

COULD I TAKE A MINUTE OF YOUR TIME?

YEAH, SURE.

THIS IS A PETITION TO END ALL PETITIONS.

AREN'T YOU TIRED OF PEOPLE STOPPING YOU

TO SIGN PETITIONS?

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

ANYONE HAS EVER STOPPED ME FOR A PETITION.

WELL, WONDERFUL.

SO, WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS?

JUST SO I KNOW.

IT IS TO END ALL PETITIONS.

I'M GONNA SIGN THIS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

A PROTEST TO END ALL PROTESTS.

I THINK THAT'S...THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANKS. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. BYE.

GREAT JOB.

YOU WANT ONE?

MY DEAR, I WOULD BE DELIGHTED.

I HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT THOSE FRENCH FRIES.

NO, YOU'RE KIDDING. OH, MY GOD.

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

THANK YOU FOR OFFERING.

OH, YES.

NOT TOO CRISP, NOT TOO...

WOULD YOU MIND IF I JUST TOOK A LITTLE TASTE?

GO AHEAD.

OH! OH, YEAH.

MY DEAR, I MUST PURCHASE THAT PLATE OF FRIES.

NO. OVER THERE YOU CAN PURCHASE IT.

OH, NO.

TOP-HAT THOMAS DOES NOT STAND IN LINE.

I WANT THAT PLATE OF FRIES.

YAMA, WRITE THE YOUNG LADY A CHECK FOR...

WOULD $300 BE SUFFICIENT?

DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

WE DO? EXCELLENT.

- OH. - OKAY.

YAMA, WAIT A MINUTE.

HOLD ON.

I THINK I SEE SOME TATER TOTS.

VOID THE CHECK, YAMA.

- LET'S GET THOSE TATER TOTS. - OKAY.

SORRY.

White: IT'S TIME FOR "BETTY WHITE'S PEARLS OF WISDOM."

IN THESE TIMES OF ECONOMIC UNCERTAINTY,

I FIND IT'S BEST TO STASH YOUR CASH UNDERNEATH THE MATTRESS.

JUST MAKE SURE YOU REMEMBER WHOSE MATTRESS YOU PUT IT UNDER.

Woman: GOD BLESS YOU!

OH, OH!

MORE PETALS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

ARE YOU AVAILABLE?

NO, I'M NOT.

OH, DANG.

ARE YOU FREE LATER? YES.

- CAN WE COMPARE? - GET OUT OF HERE.

WOULD YOU BE MY WING MAN?

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S NOT MINE.

THAT'S GONNA COST YOU SOME MONEY, PAL.

IT'S NOT MINE.