Original subtitles

I HAVE A QUICK QUESTION FOR YOU.

IT'S A CENSUS BUREAU QUESTION.

DO YOU WEAR BRIEFS OF BOXERS?

I WEAR BOXERS.

OH! WELL, THEN YOU WIN A PRIZE!

WELL, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME. - I'LL TAKE THEM.

I MEAN, I CAN PICTURE HOW GOOD YOU'RE GONNA LOOK IN THOSE.

I LIKE YOUNG MEN BETTER THAN OLD MEN.

OH! REALLY? YEAH.

SURE. WHY NOT. OKAY.

818-300

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? JAMES.

- JAMES. I'M ANNE. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO THIS SONG.

OH! OH! OH!

WHOO! OH.

SHAKE THAT BAD BOOTY, BABY.

I NEED YOU TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NOTHING STUCK IN MY TEETH.

OH, MY GOD!

HI, ALL. WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

I RECENTLY HEARD OF A ROGUE GROUP OF SENIORS

WHO WERE HARASSING THE YOUNGER GENERATION,

SO I HIRED THEM.

LET'S SEE WHAT KIND OF MAYHEM THEY'RE GETTING INTO.

I'M DENISE FOR FOOD DIRECT TO AFRICA,

AND WE'RE COLLECTING FOOD AND DRINKS FOR AFRICA.

ARE YOU WILLING TO DONATE YOUR DRINK TO AFRICA?

UH, SURE, YEAH. OKAY.

OKAY. YOU CAN JUST POUR IT IN.

OH. POUR IT?

YEAH.

YOU JUST POUR IT DIRECTLY IN.

VERY GOOD. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THE AFRICANS WILL CERTAINLY APPRECIATE IT.

- GOOD MORNING, SIR. - HOW ARE YOU?

OR AFTERNOON. I'M WELL. HOW ARE YOU.

GOOD. OH, BY THE WAY-- NO SUNGLASSES IN THE THEATER.

OH, OKAY. I'LL MAKE SURE NOT TO WEAR THEM.

NO, NO, I'VE GOT TO HOLD THEM FOR YOU.

THERE'S A NEW POLICY -- NO SUNGLASSES.

WHAT?

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

I'M BELIEVING YOU.

YEAH. YEAH.

YOU CAN GET THEM WHEN YOU COME OUT.

NO PROBLEM. OKAY.

YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.

I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THE WI-FI PASSWORD FOR THIS PLACE.

THIS GIRL WROTE DOWN SOMETHING, BUT I CAN'T READ IT.

CAN YOU READ IT TO ME, PLEASE? WHAT DOES IT SAY?

SHE SAYS, "CALL ME."

SHE GAVE YOU THE CELLPHONE NUMBER AND A KISS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OH, MY GOD. HERE SHE IS NOW.

HEY! DID YOU GET MY NOTE?

YEAH, I DID, YEAH.

I WAS JUST READING IT TO HIM ACTUALLY.

OH! HE WAS.

OH, HE DIDN'T HAVE HIS GLASSES.

THAT WAS SO SWEET OF YOU.

HE THOUGHT IT WAS A WI-FI CODE.

OH, YOU ARE TOO CUTE!

OH, BABY, LET'S GO.

THANK YOU FOR HELPING!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HEY, COULD YOU HELP US OUT?

WE'RE GIVING A BACHELORETTE PARTY,

AND WE NEED A HOT GUY.

I FORGOT TO HIRE THE STRIPPER.

- WHEN? - I GOT 1,000 BUCKS.

WE'LL ONLY NEED YOU FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES.

SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT.

YEAH. UH...

WHOA. WELL, THAT'S TURNING ME ON.

I WAS GONNA SAY -- OOH. OKAY. THAT WOULD --

- WORK IT! WORK IT! - OH, YEAH.

- OH, YEAH! WORK IT! - YEAH!

- WORK IT! OH, YEAH! - YEAH!

THERE YOU GO.

NOW, CAN YOU SPANK?

OOH!

YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MELANIE? WHAT?

- I DON'T THINK SO. - I DON'T THINK SO.

I DON'T THINK HE'S WORTH 1,000 BUCKS.

HOW ARE YOU?

HELLO, SIR.

YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS NOW A SMOKING-ONLY ZONE?

IT'S BEEN DESIGNATED AS SUCH.

SO, UH...ARE YOU GUYS PLANNING ON SMOKING?

OH.

YEAH. OKAY.

WELL, THEN I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU

TO VACATE THIS AREA, YOU KNOW?

UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SMOKE AFTERWARD,

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK RIGHT NOW.

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR TO EVERYBODY ELSE

WHO IS SMOKING RIGHT NOW.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- YOU LOOK LIKE NICE FOLKS.

WHEN YOU FINISH THE MEAL...

ALL RIGHT.

...YOU ENJOY THAT CIGAR, AND I'LL LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. BUT YOU KEEP ON PUFFING.

ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.

OH, HELLO.

I'M JUST READING AN E-MAIL FROM A FAN.

"DEAR BETTY, I WAS HESITANT TO SEND THIS

"BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'D EVEN READ IT,

"BUT YOU'RE ONE OF MY FAVORITE ACTRESSES.

"I JUST HAD TO FIND A WAY TO GET YOUR ATTENTION

"TO ASK YOU IF YOU WANTED TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME.

SINCERELY, GEORGE CLOONEY."

GEEZ, GEORGE.

STALK MUCH?

CAN YOU HELP ME FOR ONE SECOND?

MY LADY FRIEND IS COMING RIGHT BACK,

AND I WANT TO ASK HER TO MARRY ME.

CAN YOU JUST TAKE A PICTURE

WHEN I PROPOSE TO HER?

OF COURSE. OKAY.

OKAY.

REATHA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET? REATHA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

ARE YOU THERE?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHERE DID SHE GO?

OH.

OH. REATHA!

OKAY.

- I'M SO SORRY. - CAN YOU HELP ME GET HER?

REATHA! REATHA!

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

HEY, YOU STOP! YOU, WITH THE LOLLIPOP!

COMING THROUGH, MA'AM.

COMING THROUGH, MA'AM.

HOLD IT. HOLD IT.

- COMING THROUGH, MA'AM. - HOLD IT. HOLD IT. HOLD IT.

HEY, YOU, STOP!

REQUESTING BACKUP. I HAVE A RUNNER WITH A LOLLIPOP.

HANG ONTO THAT. THAT'S EXHIBIT "A."

PULL OVER, YOU. GOT A RUNAWAY DESSERT.

HEY!

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME, "BETTY, WHAT'S HAPPINESS?"

I SAY HAPPINESS IS HAVING

A LARGE, LOVING, CLOSE-KNIT, CARING FAMILY...

AND THEN MAKING SURE THEY ARE SO FAR AWAY

YOU ONLY HAVE TO SKYPE THEM ON SUNDAYS.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

SIR. HI.

I-I DID SOMETHING -- I --

DO YOU THINK IT'S WRONG TO READ SOMEBODY ELSE'S DIARY?

WELL, IS IT SOMEONE YOU KNOW?

IT'S MY GRANDDAUGHTER.

WELL, THERE WERE A COUPLE OF THINGS IN HERE

I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND, AND MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME.

MAYBE I CAN.

"Y-O-L-O"?

"YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE."

OKAY, GOOD.

AND THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER THING.

SHE SAID THAT SHE TRIED TO GO REVERSE COWGIRL

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MAY MEAN?

IS SHE TAKING HORSEBACK-RIDING LESSONS?

UM...I WAS --

I WO-- I THINK IT'S, LIKE, A SEXUAL POSITION

WHERE THE MAN WOULD BE LYING DOWN

AND THE GIRL WOULD BE FACING AWAY,

STRADDLING HIM.

OH, I'M GONNA GO TELL HER PARENTS RIGHT NOW.

- ALL RIGHT. - THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, MY GOODNESS!

EXCUSE ME.

CAN YOU HELP ME PUT THIS IN MY TRUNK?

SURE.

THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

IT'S REALLY HEAVY. I'LL COUNT TO THREE.

I'LL GET THIS END, YOU GET THAT END.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. GET THAT END.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

OOH-HOO-HOO!

SHE'S CRAZY! AAH!

HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!

OH!

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU MIND WATCHING HIM FOR ONE SECOND.

I LEFT MY WALLET IN STARBUCKS.

I'M GONNA GRAB IT. SURE.

JUST FOR ONE SECOND. HE'S TIRED.

HE ALWAYS SLEEPS RIGHT AFTER HIS BATH.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NO PROBLEM.

IS SHE GONE?

IS SHE GONE? OH.

OH, MY GOODNESS. OH, I GOT TO STRETCH MY LEGS.

REALLY, YEAH. WHOO!

- YOU KNOW, DID YOU CHECK HER OUT? - WHAT?

DID YOU CHECK THAT GIRL OUT?

I MEAN, YOU CHECK ME OUT WHEN I'M HAVING MY BATH.

NURSIE, A LITTLE -- A LITTLE LOWER DOWN THERE.

OH, YEAH!

HERE SHE COMES. HERE SHE COMES.

SIR, YOU KNOW WHAT? MUM'S THE WORD.

SURE.

GUESS IT'S NOT IN THERE. WELL, THANK YOU.

OH, YOU'RE AWAKE! HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

NURSIE, I THINK I NEED ANOTHER BATH.

ANOTHER ONE? YEAH.

THAT'S YOUR FOURTH TODAY.

FIVE MAKES IT HISTORY.

OKAY. LET'S GET YOU HOME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OKAY, ARE YOU READY?

READY... FOR THE BATH.

I'M SORRY, THIS IS A V.I.P. SECTION ONLY.

- IS YOUR NAME ON THE LIST? - WE'RE NOT ON THE LIST.

OH, YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST?

EXCUSE ME, THIS IS V.I.P. ONLY.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO WAIT IN LINE,

WE LET ABOUT ONE PERSON IN AN HOUR.

OH, MISS SIMON, GO RIGHT AHEAD.

THANK YOU, ROSCOE.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO SHOP SOMEPLACE ELSE, YOU CAN.

OF COURSE, A FRANKLIN MIGHT CHANGE MY MIND.

SUCCESS IS NOT MEASURED

BY HOW MANY DOLLARS YOU HAVE IN THE BANK.

IT'S MEASURED BY THE FRIENDS YOU HAVE.

AND IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE ON FACEBOOK, YOU WIN.

HEY, EXCUSE ME. ARE THOSE YOUR HUSKIES?

YES.

I WORK FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF PET SERVICES.

THERE HAS BEEN SOME REPORTS OF DOG DOPING IN THIS PARK.

PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS -- STEROIDS, YOU KNOW?

SOMETIMES, THE DOG WILL BE VERY ENERGETIC LIKE YOURS.

OH. OKAY. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

DUE TO DRUGS THEN?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT AT ALL. NOT AT ALL.

OKAY, WOULD YOU MIND COLLECTING A URINE SAMPLE

FROM YOUR DOG, PLEASE?

I'LL GIVE YOU GUYS SOME PRIVACY.

- OKAY, THANK YOU. - ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU MIND TAKING MY PICTURE?

- SURE. - THANKS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- THANKS. THANKS A LOT. - OF COURSE.

YOU GUYS JUST STAND RIGHT THERE LIKE THAT.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

CAN I TAKE A LOOK? YEAH.

JUST BEFORE YOU GO.

PRETTY GOOD. THE COMPOSITION'S PRETTY DAMN GOOD.

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED

IN DOING THE PHOTOGRAPHY FOR SOME NUDES?

HUH? HOW ABOUT THAT?

HI. OH, HI.

DID YOU FIND ANYONE TO TAKE MY NUDE PHOTOGRAPH.

HE SAYS HE'S NOT INTERESTED.

REALLY? WONDER WHY?

I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF RELATIONSHIPS OVER THE YEARS,

AND I'VE LEARNED THAT WHEN IT COMES TO ROMANCE,

YOU SHOULD NEVER KEEP SECRETS FROM ONE ANOTHER.

YOU SHOULD NEVER PASS UP THE CHANCE TO SAY "I LOVE YOU."

AND ALWAYS GO TO BED ANGRY.

THINGS ARE JUST A LITTLE MORE EXCITING THAT WAY.

WHAT A DAY THIS IS? ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

YEAH, IT'S REALLY NICE.

YOU EVER SEEN IT THIS WARM IN JANUARY?

NO. I LOVE IT.

WHICH ONE OF YOU LADIES WERE SITTING HERE FIRST?

I WAS. SHE WAS HERE FIRST?

I WAS. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

YOUR BACKSIDE IS THE ONE-MILLIONTH BACKSIDE

- TO SIT ON ONE OF THESE. - OH, YOU'RE KIDDING!

YOU JUST WON $10,000. CONGRATULATIONS.

WELL, YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE.

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT FOR A SEC?

HERE'S THE THING --

I'VE BEEN ON HOLD WITH MY DOCTOR FOR ALMOST 10 MINUTES.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

JUST HANG ON.

ALL RIGHT.

BE BACK IN A COUPLE OF SHAKES.

Hi, Richard. Dr. Craig here.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

So, it's not good news.

The test results came back, and this rash is highly contagious.

I repeat -- highly contagious.

You need to come to the hospital immediately.

Do not touch anyone or anything.

You will be putting their life at risk.

We need to quarantine you and your belongings immediately.

Do you understand?

Richard, are you hearing me?

Has it spread to your tongue?

Richard? Richard?

SOUNDS LIKE I GOT SOMETHING CONTAGIOUS.

YEAH.

WHAT'S THIS?

OH, THEY'RE CURTAINS. OH.

- CAN I LOOK AT IT? - YEAH, OF COURSE.

FOR WHAT?

JUST FOR, LIKE, DRAPES TO GO OVER.

OH. VERY NICE.

PERFECT FOR MY DINING ROOM. THANK YOU.

JOHNNY, HOW ARE YOU?

GIVE ME A HUG!

I -- JOHNNY, HOW ARE YOU?

HI. GIVE ME A HUG! HOW YOU BEEN?

OH, MY -- GOOD TO SEE YOU!

JOHNNY BOY, HOW ARE YOU?

OH! GOOD TO SEE YOU!

OH, GIVE ME A HUG. PLEASE GIVE ME A HUG.

OH, MY GOSH!

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU --

JOHNNY. JOHNNY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GIVE ME A HUG.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

CAN I ASK YOUR ADVICE ABOUT SOMETHING?

SURE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE INDELICATE,

BUT I'M GOING TO THE CLUBS TONIGHT.

AND SOMEBODY TOLD ME I SHOULD STUFF MY PANTS.

WHICH DO YOU THINK IS BETTER --

THE BANANA OR THE FLASHLIGHT?

NO, SERIOUSLY. CAN YOU HELP ME DECIDE?

I GUESS THE BANANA.

THE BANANA?

OKAY. GREAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANKS A LOT.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR BREAKFAST, DEAR?

CAN I HAVE EGGS BENEDICT,

AND CAN I HAVE THE SAUCE ON THE SIDE?

OH, AND DON'T PUT THE EGGS ON TOP OF THE HAM.

I WANT IT ON THE SIDE.

AND COULD I GET SOME HOT CHOCOLATE,

BUT WITH THE WHIPPED CREAM ON THE SIDE?

COMING RIGHT UP.

MM.

WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY ON THE SIDE OF WHAT!

LOOK AT ALL THESE GUM BALLS.

I'M A SINGLE GUY,

AND I DON'T NEED ALL THIS, YOU KNOW?

THERE, THAT'S PERFECT.

OH. EXCUSE ME.

HELLO.

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

IT'S LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT REAL GOOD GENES.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS,

BUT I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO MEET SOMEONE.

SO, IS YOUR GRANDPA ALIVE?

NO.

DO YOU HAVE A STEPGRANDPA OR SOMETHING?

NO. OH.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I WOULD LOVE TO, BUT I'M A MARRIED MAN.

BUT YOU KNOW, THINGS CHANGE SOMETIMES, RIGHT?

THEY DO. THEY DO.

WHAT ABOUT I GIVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT?

THERE IT IS. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU'RE WELCOME. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, BYE.

AH, I LOVE THAT SHIRT -- NASA.

YEAH.

I'M GOING TO BUY THAT SHIRT FROM YOU.

$500 FOR THE SHIRT?

DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

OKAY. LET'S HAVE THE SHIRT FIRST.

TIME IS MONEY.

OH, DEAR.

ACTUALLY, I PREFER THAT MAN'S CAP.

CANCEL THE CHECK, YAMA.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

YOU SEE THAT GUY?

HMM? SEE THAT GUY?

WHAT GUY?

THE BLACK CAP, IN THE BLACK.

HE'S A FAMOUS ACTOR.

IS HE? YEAH.

I'M HIS ASSISTANT,

AND HE LOVES TO BE NOTICED.

IF YOU ASK HIM FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH,

YOU'LL MAKE HIS DAY AND MINE

BECAUSE THEN HE WON'T PICK ON ME LATER.

- YEAH? - YEAH, IT'LL MAKE HIS DAY.

UM, I'M GOOD.

REALLY? YEAH.

DON'T YOU LIKE TO HAVE AUTOGRAPHED PICTURES OF PEOPLE?

I'M OKAY. REALLY?

WELL, WHY NOT?

I LIKE YOUR SCARF.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. - IT'S VERY PRETTY.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. - IT'S VERY GOOD-LOOKING.

THANK YOU. VERY NICE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMPLIMENT.

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY, AND I LIKE YOUR HAT.

- OH, THANK YOU. - YOU SOME GOOD STYLE.

- I BOUGHT THIS IN PARIS. - OH, YEAH?

YES, WHEN I WAS THERE FILMING A WONDERFUL TRUFFAUT MOVIE.

NICE.

IS THERE ANY CHANCE I COULD GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

I'M REALLY TIRED OF GIVING AUTOGRAPHS, YOU KNOW?

BUT I'LL TELL YOU, FOR YOU, I'LL DO IT.

THANK YOU.

OH, DEAR. SPELL YOU NAME?

IT'S E-L-L-I-E.

"E-L-L-I-E

OFF"

NOW YOU GOT YOUR AUTOGRAPH.

I'M STOKED. THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME. HAVE YOU SEEN A WOMAN WITH A RED-CHECKED SHIRT?

SHE'S BLONDE. SHE'S RIDING A RED SCOOTER.

I TOLD HER TO WAIT FOR ME RIGHT HERE.

I JUST HAD TO GO IN THERE, AND NOW I CAN'T FIND HER.

WHERE?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

DO YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA BE LATE?

THE WHITES ARE WAITING FOR US!

COME ON, LET'S GO.

NOW WE'RE LATE!

I DON'T WANT TO KEEP THEM WAITING,

AND IT'S BECAUSE YOU DISAPPEAR?

WELL, EVERYBODY, DIG IN.

IT'S FUNNY, LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK OUT

THE WAY YOU THINK IT WILL,

BUT IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE,

IT'S THAT WE CAN ALWAYS DEPEND ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS...

AND USE IT TO OUR ADVANTAGE.

YOU JUST POUR IT DIRECTLY IN.

OOH!

OOH-HOO-HOO!

And this rash is highly contagious.

JOHNNY!

WHAT DID HE WRITE?

WHAT?

YEAH.

OH, MY LORD.