Original subtitles

EXCUSE ME. MISS?

COULD I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

I HAVE A DATE, AND I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT MY HAIR.

- HOW DOES IT LOOK? - IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

DOES IT LOOK OKAY?

- YEAH, I LIKE IT. - OH, THANKS.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S THIS GUY FROM MY SENIOR RETIREMENT HOME,

AND HE'S ASKED ME OUT SO MANY TIMES,

AND I FINALLY SAID YES.

OH, GOOD. YOU LOOK SO PRETTY.

THANK YOU. I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

AWW, THAT'S CUTE.

HERBERT!

THERE HE IS.

HI. HOW ARE YOU? HELLO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FINALLY DECIDED

TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME.

THANK YOU!

EXCUSE US. YEAH. THANK YOU.

AWW. THANKS.

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU? GOOD.

SHALL WE?

YOU KNOW, I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO THIS SONG.

- WHOA. - OH!

WHOO! OH!

SHAKE THAT BAD BOOTY, BABY.

I MEAN, TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NOTHING STUCK IN MY TEETH.

OH, MY GOD!

Girl: BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR!

IT IS FAIR!

IT'S NOT! NO FAIR!

BELOW-THE-TITLE BILLING IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE

FOR A ROLE THAT ONLY HAS ONE LINE.

KIDS TODAY.

COME HERE, POOCHIE. POOCHIE, COME HERE.

SAY "HELLO." SAY "HELLO."

COME HERE. DON'T BE SHY.

SHE GETS VERY SHY OVER NEW PEOPLE.

SHE'S A LITTLE --

STRANGERS AND -- AW.

COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.

COME ON.

SOMETIMES IF YOU -- YOU HAVE TO ACT --

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE A DOG.

GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY ARE.

AH.

OH, YEAH.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK SHE NEEDS A LITTLE FIBER.

- OH, REALLY? - YEAH.

OKAY. AH.

AH.

HAVE YOU EVER SENT AN INSTAGRAM?

I'M TRYING TO SEND ONE TO MY GIRLFRIEND.

I HAVE TO EDIT THIS,

BUT I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PUTTING A FILTER ON THIS. OH, MY GOD!

HE'S MY NEW LOVER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, NO.

NO? THAT'S MY NEW GUY.

I SHOULDN'T DO THAT? OH, REALLY?

INSTAGRAM COULD BAN YOU FOR THAT.

OKAY.

ATM FEES, MY ASS.

THERE YOU GO!

- GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU. - YEAH?

CAN YOU TELL WHAT KIND OF UNDERWEAR WE'RE WEARING?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

UH...UM...

WHAT?

- G-STRING. YOU'RE WRONG. - G-STRING?

THE TRUTH IS, WE DON'T WEAR ANY UNDERWEAR. SEE?

OH. OH, GOD.

BUT SOMEBODY YOU KNOW MIGHT FIT THOSE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. WHAT DID YOU BUY?

BEER CANS?

OKAY, I'LL BUY THEM FOR YOU FOR $1 EACH,

AND THEN I'LL SELL THEM TO YOU FOR 50 CENTS.

I'M TRYING TO GENERATE SALES.

OKAY, SO, HOW MUCH YOU PAY FOR THIS?

$2 EACH. $2?

WHAT'S THIS?

$2.

WHAT'S THIS? GLOVES. $8.

SO, $14. WHAT YOU GOT IN THE BAG?

BEER CANS.$20.

I WILL GIVE YOU $17.

OKAY. NOW WHAT?

NOW YOU GIVE ME $20.

OKAY.

I MADE A SALE.

HERE YOU GO.

ALL ABOUT VOLUME.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. THANKS.

TELL YOUR FRIENDS! I WILL!

Announcer: SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHO KILLED RASPUTIN,

BUT IS TOO POLITE TO TELL.

SHE ONCE COUNTED TO INFINITY...TWICE.

SHE WEARS SUNGLASSES TO PROTECT THE SUN FROM HER EYES.

CAN I HAVE MY FREE DINNER NOW? YOU PROMISED.

JUST FIVE MORE MINUTES.

SHE ONCE TOLD A LIE JUST TO SEE HOW IT FELT.

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

DO I HAVE IT RIGHT?

OH, OH. OH, GOD.

OH. OH, GOD.♪ HEY, HEY ♪

OH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

COME TO THE CLASS. I TEACH IT.

MA'AM, I'D LIKE TO LET YOU KNOW ABOUT THE NEW BAG POLICY.

FIRST BAG IS FREE GOING UP AND DOWN THE ESCALATOR.

SECOND BAG, THERE'S GONNA BE A CHARGE.

WHAT? EVEN IF YOU BRING YOUR OWN?

YOU TAKE YOUR OWN BAG ON THE AIRLINE, THEY STILL CHARGE YOU.

REALLY?

YEAH. YEAH. IT'S BRAND-NEW.

OKAY? WOW.

SHOP ON.

"DEAR BETTY, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT

ABOUT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?"

OH, NO, DEAR. I COULD NEVER BE PRESIDENT.

I'D HAVE TO GIVE UP TOO MUCH POWER.

HERE YOU GO. RIGHT THIS WAY.

SURE. HANG ON A SEC.

HANG ON A SEC. I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE ON THE LIST.

WHICH ONE IS THAT?

THE VIP LIST FOR THIS AISLE.

SEE, THE THING IS, THERE WAS A PROBLEM

LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE,

AND, UH...

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. HEY, GUYS, HANG ON A SEC.

IF I CAN CARD YOU, I'LL LET YOU GO THROUGH.

I DON'T HAVE MY I.D. ON ME.

SORRY, FELLAS.

WE GOT TO GO? ALL RIGHT.

WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR? SURE.

I'M EXPECTING A BLIND DATE IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES,

AND IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE BEEN ON A DATE,

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME.

- SURE. - I USED TO WORK IN SOAP OPERAS,

AND WE ALWAYS USED CUE CARDS,

SO I WAS THINKING MAYBE I COULD USE THE CUE CARDS,

AND IT WOULD HELP ME TO TALK TO HIM.

- SO, COULD YOU HELP ME? - SURE.

JUST MAYBE HOLD THEM FOR A SECOND,

AND YOU COULD PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE THE DATE?

OKAY. UM...OKAY.

HELLO. HELLO.

ISN'T THAT A HANDSOME JACKET?

WAS THAT GOOD? YEAH.

YEAH. SO, OKAY, LET'S TRY THE SECOND ONE.

I'M AN ARIES. WHAT ARE YOU?

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD? YEAH.

- YOU THINK THAT'LL GET HIM? - YEAH.

- OKAY, ONE MORE. OKAY. - OKAY.

LET'S TAKE THIS PARTY TO THE BEDROOM, SAILOR.

WELL, LATER IN THE EVENING, YEAH.

YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE AGGRESSIVE?

RIGHT AWAY, YEAH. BUT LATER, AFTER DINNER -- THEN.

LET'S TAKE THIS TO THE BEDROOM, SAILOR.

YOU LOOK GOOD. YOU LOOK NICE.

SO, YOU THINK I'M --I LIKE PURPLE.

OH. SO, YOU THINK I'M GONNA GET LUCKY TONIGHT?

YEAH. TOTALLY.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - I'M DENISE.

DENISE. TIM. TIM!

- IT WAS GOOD TO MEET YOU. - ARE YOU BUSY?

HUH?

I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

THE NEW TECHNOLOGY.

YOU KNOW, I CAN WRITE THIS MEMO.

IT'S AN iPAD, YOU KNOW?

HOW DO YOU SPELL "THEIR"?

IT DEPENDS ON WHICH "THEIR" YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

WELL, NOT LIKE -- NOT LIKE "OVER THERE."

T-H-E-I-R. T-H-E-I-R.

WOULD YOU HOLD THAT ONE SECOND FOR ME?

GEE.

NOW I'M GONNA STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT RIGHT NOW.

- AH. - AH.

AH. THAT'S GOOD.

T-H-E-R-E.

T-H-E-I-R.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST --

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO SEND OUT

SOMETHING SHOWING SPELLING ERRORS.

DOCTORS SAY THAT HAVING A HOBBY IS SO IMPORTANT TO YOUR HEALTH.

THAT'S WHY EVERY NOW AND THEN, I LIKE TO DO SOME BIRD-WATCHING.

OH, HERE IN CALIFORNIA,

WE HAVE SOME WONDERFUL SPECIES RIGHT IN OUR OWN BACKYARD.

OH, WE HAVE MEADOWLARKS,

SPARROWS, WESTERN SEA GULLS...

HOT MIDWESTERN NEW NEIGHBORS.

YEP.

NOTHING LIKE A HOBBY TO GET THE OLD BLOOD PUMPING.

♪ DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH DAH ♪

SIR, COULD YOU HELP ME A MINUTE, PLEASE?

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP FROM THE HOME,

AND, UH, THEY'RE A LITTLE LATE.

SO, IF YOU DON'T MIND CALLING THEM.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S THE PHONE NUMBER?

THE NUMBER IS, UH, 323-494...

323... 494-6--

I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED, SO JUST HOLD WITH ME ON THAT, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

HEY, LOU. ARE YOU READY TO GO BACK HOME?

OH, HONEY, THERE YOU ARE.

YOU READY? HERE, LET ME TAKE THIS FOR YOU.

COME ON. JUMP IN THE LIMO. I'LL GIVE YOU A BACK RUB.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'LL PUT THIS STUFF IN, AND I'LL HELP YOU IN, OKAY?

OKAY. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL GIVE YOU A MASSAGE IN THE LIMO.

OH, THANK YOU. OKAY. HELP ME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HI.

I JUST BOUGHT THESE X-RAY GLASSES,

AND YOU'RE WEARING THE SAME UNDERWEAR THAT I HAVE ON.

♪ OHHHH, OH ♪

♪ OHHHH, OH ♪

♪ OHHHH, OH ♪

IT'S REALLY HARD NOT TO ACT ON IMPULSES,

BUT IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING NAUGHTY,

TAKE A DEEP BREATH, TAKE A STEP BACK,

AND ASK YOURSELF, "WHAT WOULD BETTY WHITE DO?"

AND THEN WHAT YOU INITIALLY HAD IN MIND WON'T SEEM SO BAD.

EXCUSE ME. I LEFT MY WALLET BACK THERE.

COULD YOU JUST WATCH THIS FOR ONE SECOND?

THANKS A MILLION. ONE SECOND.

ONE SECOND.

HYAH!

RIGHT, NOW...

OH!

WHAT -- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!

SORRY. A KARATE MAN CAME AND CHOPPED THE CAKE.

A KARATE MAN?!

I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE IS HE? I DON'T SEE NO KARATE MAN.

HE WENT THAT WAY.

HEY! HEY!

THE HELL YOU DO? KARATE MAN!

Man: LADIES.

- YEAH? - HANG ON A SEC.

THERE'S, UH, SOME HEAVY MACHINERY

BEING OPERATED IN THE AREA.

OKAY.

- AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ARE DISTRACTING THE DRIVERS. - YEAH.

SO, AS A SAFETY MEASURE,

WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO PUT THESE ON.

HERE.

AND WE DON'T WANT ANY DISTRACTION.

PUT ON THOSE GLASSES.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

♪ OOH, GIRL ♪

THANK YOU FOR COOPERATING.

PUT IT ON. PUT IT ON. PUT IT ON.

- IT'S BRAND-NEW. - NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S BRAND-NEW.

PUT IT ON. GO AHEAD.

DON'T YOU WANT TO ABIDE BY THE LAW?

I'M JUST DOING MY JOB HERE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU FOR BEING A GOOD CITIZEN.

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?

IS THERE A DOCTOR HERE?

- ARE YOU A DOCTOR? - NO.

DO YOU KNOW A DOCTOR?

IS THERE A DOCTOR HERE?

- ARE YOU A DOCTOR? - OF LOVE.

OH! TAKE MY NUMBER. I ONLY DATE DOCTORS.

MISS? MISS?

UH, I WONDER IF YOU COULD HELP ME.

I'VE HAD JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH TO DRINK,

AND I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE HOME MY -- MY -- MY VEHICLE.

YEAH, I'LL -- I GUESS I COULD RIDE IT.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

YEAH. COME ON DOWN THIS WAY.

I'M AFRAID TO GET INTO AN ACCIDENT WITH IT.

YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

OKAY. COME DOWN HERE.

OKAY. MAKE A U-TURN.

THAT'S NICE. I LIKE IT.

TURN AROUND AND THEN JUST COME UP THIS WAY LIKE THAT.

OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'VE SOBERED UP A LITTLE BIT.

- I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE. - ARE YOU SURE?

IT'S FINE. I THINK I CAN DO IT. GEEZ, THANKS A LOT.

ARE YOU SURE? I CAN --

THANKS A LOT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHEN YOU GET TO BE OUR AGE,

YOU NEED TO TAKE EVERY PRECAUTION IN YOUR HOME

TO AVOID INJURY.

THAT SHOULD DO IT, BETTY.

AH. OKAY, BOYS, LET 'ER RIP!

YEAH, BABY! YEAH, BABY!

HEY, GET YOUR COLD BEER! HEY, GET YOUR COLD BEER!

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- SAFETY FIRST.

DO YOU WEAR THESE SKINNY JEANS?

DO YOU KNOW HOW SKINNY THESE -- TIGHT THESE THINGS ARE?

MY FEET ABOUT TO BURST.

IF YOU COULD JUST -- JUST CUT THE BOTTOM OF THEM FOR ME

SO I CAN TRY TO JUST GET OUT OF THEM?

YOU KNOW -- YEAH, I CAN'T -- I CAN'T EVEN MOVE MY LEGS.

ALL RIGHT, CUT -- OH, YEAH! OH!

YEAH!

TRY THE OTHER ONE NOW.

WHO GOT YOU SKINNY JEANS?

MY DAUGHTER GOT ME

- IN THESE THINGS. - OH.

AND I DIDN'T HAVE MY PHONE TO CALL HER.

OH, THAT'S GREAT. OH! OH!

OH!

THANKS. OH!

YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY.

HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?

SO FAR, SO GOOD.

I'VE HAD A LOT OF PROBLEMS, AND I'VE BEEN DISTRESSED.

BUT I HAVE THESE AFFIRMATIONS.

MY THERAPIST SAYS THAT I NEED SOMEBODY TO READ THEM TO ME.

WOULD YOU READ THEM TO ME?

SURE. OH, YOU'RE SO NICE.

ALL RIGHT.

AND THAT'LL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. WELL, YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN.

THANK YOU. I AM.

- YOU ARE A CARING WOMAN. - I AM CARING.

YOU'RE A TOTAL BABE. OH, WOW.

YOU'RE A DEMON IN THE SACK.

OH! NO!

YOUR SEXUAL DEVIANCE IS UNMATCHED.

GEE.

YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LAUGH.

- YOU'VE GOT A KILLER RACK. - OH! NO!

AND THEN WE'RE BACK TO THE START.

OH, YOU'VE MADE -- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

ZACK. HI, ZACK.

NICE TO MEET YOU. WOW.

IF I'M THAT GREAT, MAYBE WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER LATER.

- YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY. - YOU TOO.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE A SWEETHEART.

♪ OOH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

OH, MY GOD. OH, EXCUSE ME, GUYS.

COULD YOU WATCH MY SCOOTER FOR A MINUTE?

I LEFT SOMETHING IN THE OTHER STORE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, MY GOSH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING THIS, YOU GUYS.

I JUST REALLY NEEDED THAT FOR A MINUTE. THANK YOU.

WHOO!

♪ WOW, YEAH ♪

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

COULD YOU HELP ME ACROSS THE STREET?

SURE.

DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?

I USED TO WORK HERE.

OH. HOW NICE.

YEAH. YES.

- SO, ARE YOU SINGLE? - YES.

- REALLY? - MM-HMM.

OH. OH, WAIT, THOUGH.

HE -- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE LOOKS LIKE A TALL DRINK OF WATER, HONEY.

I'M GONNA GO WITH HIM.

YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE, DEAR!

EXCUSE ME. YOU MIND IF I JUST SIT HERE A SECOND?

JUST A SECOND. I JUST GOT FIRED.

OH, WE'RE ACTUALLY -- I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

WHERE'D YOU WORK AT?

AN INSURANCE COMPANY.

MAN, I'M THE BEST WORKER THEY EVER HAD --

- 29 YEARS AND 6 MONTHS. - OH, MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY.

LOOK, THEY JUST TOLD ME TO PACK UP MY STUFF AND LEAVE.

I GOT MY PILLOW. EVERYBODY'S SUPPOSED TO REST.

WORKERS SHOULD BE RESTED, RIGHT?

SO, THEY GOT ANGRY ABOUT THAT.

SO, I HAVE A LITTLE POP BEFORE LUNCH.

I MEAN, I BRING THESE PEOPLE $1 1/2 MILLION A YEAR!

SO I HAD A DRINK.

- I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT, MAN. - DAMN IT!

AND THEN THERE'S THESE. THESE ARE FURRY HANDCUFFS.

I MEAN, I COULD HAVE GOT LUCKY AT THE OFFICE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW.

29 YEARS AND 6 -- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SORRY. I'M OUT.

- AREN'T THOSE THE SHOES? - THOSE SHOES. YES, YES.

- SIR, A MOMENT? I HAVE A QUESTION. - EXCUSE US.

- I LOVE THOSE SHOES. - UH-HUH.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO SELL THOSE SHOES

RIGHT NOW FOR THE RIGHT PRICE?

LET'S SAY $500?

$500?

WOULD THAT BE S-- WOULD THAT BE SATISFACTORY?

FOR ME?

- YES. - YES. FOR THE SHOES.

HE'S DRIVING A HARD BARGAIN. LET'S MAKE IT $1,000.

$1,000. OKAY.

- WOULD YOU TAKE THEM OFF? - SURE!

OKAY. THANK YOU.

IF YOU DON'T MIND, YAMA, MAY I EXAMINE ONE?

OKAY. YES, YES, YES, YES.

AND CAN I SEE THIS ONE?

OKAY. OKAY.

OH, NO. OH, NO, LOOK.

OH, THEY'RE STAINED.

- OH, LOOK. - YES, THEY'RE STAINED.

OH. I'M SORRY. THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK.

YES. THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. - LET'S FIND ANOTHER.

WE'LL FIND A BETTER PAIR. THANK YOU.

Announcer: AND NOW...

WHEN IT COMES TO FIRST DATES,

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN

AND YOUR LEGS CLOSED.

WHEN IT COMES TO SECOND DATES,

YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN.

YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS.

HYAH!

THERE YOU GO!

GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.

WHAT?

OH! OH!