Original subtitles

GIRLFRIEND, WHAT'S UP, HONEY?

HAVE YOU SEEN ANY CUTE GUYS AROUND HERE?

YOU KNOW HOW MEN ALWAYS LIKE FORBIDDEN FRUIT?

SO, YOU KNOW, WHEN I REALLY GET HORNY,

I PUT ON ONE OF THESE OUTFITS, AND THEY JUST LOVE IT!

YOU'D BE SURPRISED

HOW MANY MEN WANT TO GET BY A NUN.

HAVE YOU SEEN ANY?

NO.

IF YOU SEE ANY, LET ME KNOW, OKAY?

SEND THEM MY WAY!

YOU KNOW, I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO THIS SONG.

- WHOA. - OH!

WHOO! OH!

SHAKE THAT BAD BOOTY, BABY.

I MEAN, TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NOTHING STUCK IN MY TEETH.

OH, MY GOD!

PEOPLE OFTEN ASK ME, "BETTY, IF YOU COULD TRAVEL BACK IN TIME,

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO YOUR YOUNGER SELF?"

WITH ALL MY EXPERIENCE,

THERE IS ONE THING TO TELL MY YOUNGER SELF --

"BETTY, YOU CAN REALLY TAKE A PASS ON THAT THIRD SEASON

OF 'HOMELAND.'"

HI. Woman: HI.

EVERYTHING GOES...AS LONG AS MY WIFE DOESN'T GET IT.

HEY. HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO PAY FOR THIS?

10 CENTS?

PURSE?

MY WIFE'S MOTHER.

I HATED THAT BITCH.

♪ GROOVING ON A GIRL WHO WEARS BLUE, BLUE VELVET ♪

♪ SHE DON'T WEAR NO FROWN ♪

EXCUSE ME. DO YOU GIRLS KNOW ANYWHERE AROUND HERE

WHERE I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET BOTOX?

IT'S WEARING OFF REALLY QUICKLY, AND I NEED TO TOUCH IT UP.

- NO. SORRY. - NO? YOU DON'T?

THANK YOU. SORRY.

THIS STUFF WEARS OFF SO QUICK!

I COULDN'T FIND ANY. TERRIBLE.

HEY. HOW YOU DOING?

ALL RIGHT.

WHERE YOU HEADED?

HERE? MM-HMM.

OH, YOU WAITING FOR SOMEBODY?

YEP. YEAH.

I'M WAITING FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.

UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU KNOW, SHE GAVE ME THE ULTIMATUM, YOU KNOW?

WE'VE BEEN GOING TOGETHER 10 YEARS,

AND SHE SAYS EITHER WE GET MARRIED, OR IT'S OVER.

YOU A MARRIED GUY?

NO? YOU'RE SMART.

HERE'S SOME ADVICE.

AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN.

I'M GONNA GET A COFFEE. YOU WANT SOME?

NO, THANKS.

♪ YOU BETTER RUN, YOU BETTER RU-U-U-U-N ♪

SIR?

WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK IS THIS?

IT'S F-- FRIDAY.

FRIDAY? YEAH.

AND WHAT YEAR IS THIS?

AHA. THEN YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE ZARM MACHINE DOES WORK.

I'M BACK FROM THE FUTURE. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

LET ME GIVE YOU A TIP.

YOUR GRANDCHILD IS GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD.

YES. SO DON'T BREED.

DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH SEX. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OKAY.

HI. HEY. HOW YOU DOING?

DOES THE TOP COME OFF?

I HAVE NO IDEA. I DON'T WORK HERE.

OH, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT. I'M TALKING ABOUT...

OH! DOES THE TOP COME OFF?

- LATER IT DOES, YEAH. - OH, YEAH?

WELL, GIVE ME A CALL LATER, OKAY?

OKAY. THANK YOU. OKAY.

HI. I WAS -- I WAS WONDERING

IF ONE OF YOU COULD HELP ME.

I WANTED TO SEE IF A BODY

WILL FIT IN HERE.

- A BODY? - YEAH. YEAH.

SO, CAN ONE OF YOU GET IN THERE?

- REALLY? - YEAH. YEAH.

YOU WANT TO SEE A BODY IN THERE?

I JUST WANT TO SEE IF IT'LL FIT.

JUST LAY DOWN IN THERE?

YEAH. OKAY.

I THINK YOU NEED A BIGGER ONE.

OH.

MAYBE YOU COULD PUT A BABY IN HERE.

YEAH. YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF I CUT THE BODY UP IN PIECES, I THINK IT'LL FIT.

THANK YOU.

SO WEIRD, MAN.

OH. HI, THERE.

I WAS JUST LISTENING TO A REALLY GOOD BOOK ON TAPE.

NO, IT'S NOT "FIFTY SHADES OF GREY."

THAT'S NOT THE ONLY BOOK WE GIRLS LIKE.

IT'S THE SEQUEL -- "FIFTY SHADES DARKER."

YAHOO! HEY, LADIES! HOW YOU DOING?

HOWDY, SIR.

YEAH! YEAH! HEY, BUDDY! HOW YOU DOING?

HALLELUJAH!

HOWDY, FOLKS. HOW YOU DOING?

HOWDY, HOWDY!

YEAH! YIPPEE!

YEAHHHHHH!

HEY, GUYS. HEY.

HEY. HOW'S IT GOING?

YEAH! HEY! HEY!

I KNOW! ALL RIGHT! MY MAN!

BOO-YAH!

YOU KNOW, SOME MEN GO TO GREAT LENGTHS TO IMPRESS ME.

THEY ASK ME ON FANCY LATE-NIGHT DATES, AND I ALWAYS TELL THEM,

"JAY, DAVE, CONAN, IF YOU WANTED TO SIT AND HAVE A LAUGH,

"YOU COULD JUST TEXT ME.

YOU DIDN'T NEED TO GO OUT AND GET A TV SHOW."

ALTHOUGH, AS THEY SAY, SOMETIMES IT'S MORE FUN WITH AN AUDIENCE.

WOULD YOU TAKE MY PICTURE?

YEAH, OF COURSE. THANK YOU.

OKAY. IS THIS GOOD?

YEAH. OKAY.

GET IT? NOW ONE MORE. ONE MORE.

THANK YOU.

WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER, THE FRONT OR THE BACK?

UH, BOTH. THEY WERE REALLY GREAT.

THANK YOU!

W-WOULD YOU HOLD THIS FOR ONE SECOND?

YEAH, FOR SURE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?

YEAH. YEAH. I'M A-- I'M ACTUALLY HITTING IT.

SYMPATHY, YOU KNOW?

I'M PRETENDING -- I'M PRETENDING I'M BLIND.

GIRLS DIG BLIND GUYS.

♪ NA-NA-NA-NA-NA ♪

HI. HI. YES?

I'M RUNNING A RANDOM SOBRIETY TEST.

SURE.

JUST WALK THE STRAIGHT LINE, AND YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.

OKAY. THERE'S ONE PROBLEM.

YOU DIDN'T, UH, WALK THE STRAIGHT LINE.

- NO. - I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THE LINE.

IN THAT CASE, I THINK

YOU PROBABLY ARE A LITTLE BIT UNDER THE INFLUENCE.

REQUESTING BACKUP.

MAN: Copy. Backup on their way.

THANK YOU.

STAY RIGHT THERE. THANK YOU.

♪ DON'T BE AFRAID ♪

♪ I'M NOT THAT DANGEROUS ♪

Man: SIR, YOU GOT TO FEED THE METER.

THAT'LL BE 25 CENTS.

YOU GOT TO FEED THE METER.

YOU GOT A QUARTER?

THAT'LL BE GOOD FOR LIKE MAYBE -- MAYBE AN HOUR.

IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

PRETTY GOOD. WHAT YOU GAVE ME IS GOOD.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. - THANK YOU.

ILLEGAL USE OF THE HAND!

ESPECIALLY IN THE LOWER REGIONS!

15-YARD PENALTY!

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE

WHO THINK WRAPPING YOUR BODY IN PLASTIC

IS A GREAT WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I CAN'T REACH MY SANDWICH.

I-I'M STARVING.

JUST ONE BITE? PLEASE?

SEE? IT'S WORKING ALREADY.

BETTY...I HAVE TO TINKLE.

HI. DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT?

YOU DON'T SMOKE? NO.

I WISH I COULD GET MY BABY TO STOP SMOKING.

OH, MAYBE I CAN FIND MY LIGHTER. OH, GOD.

YEAH. HERE.

THERE. OH. THERE.

WELL, I KNOW, BUT HE'S LIKE ADDICTED.

HE CRIES. I MEAN, HE GETS CRANKY IF HE DOESN'T SMOKE.

OKAY.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO? HE DOESN'T TALK YET.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

HI. UH, QUICK QUESTION.

I'VE GOT SOMEONE FITTING YOUR DESCRIPTION.

THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW COMPLAINTS ABOUT BODY ODOR.

SO I'M GONNA ASK YOU -- IF YOU WOULD PUT THIS ON FOR US,

YOU MAY CONTINUE AS YOU WERE.

OH. OKAY?

I THOUGHT I'D TAKE A MINUTE TO READ ANOTHER E-MAIL FROM A FAN.

SUZANNE FROM ST. LOUIS E-MAILS, "BETTY, YOU MUST RUN INTO

"SO MANY CELEBRITIES OUT THERE IN HOLLYWOOD.

DO YOU EVER GET STAR-STRUCK?"

OH, WHAT A GREAT QUESTION, SUZANNE.

AND, YES, OF COURSE I GET STAR-STRUCK

EVERY TIME I LOOK IN A MIRROR.

OOH.

DOES THAT SAY --

IT'S $11.50 FOR AN ADULT AND $9 FOR A SENIOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT? TICKETS ARE SO EXPENSIVE.

YEAH. YEAH.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHY DON'T I JUST BUY BOTH OF YOU TICKETS

AS SENIOR CITIZENS?

YOU'LL SAVE -- YOU'LL SAVE 4 BUCKS.

UM --

YOU OKAY WITH THAT?

YEAH, THAT'S FINE. I DON'T THINK --

OKAY. I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, SIR.

YOU'RE IN A WORLD OF TROUBLE.

THIS CONSTITUTES TICKET FRAUD.

OKAY. YOU REALIZE THAT?

YOU OFFERED.

DID YOU NOT TELL ME

TO BUY TWO TICKETS FOR YOU AND YOUR LADY FRIEND?

MAN: Richard, we got a code red in theater 9.

That's theater 9.

COPY THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY. I GOT AN EMERGENCY.

REMEMBER -- DON'T TRUST SENIOR CITIZENS.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT TIME IT IS?

YEAH, I SURE CAN. 1:56.

WHAT?

1:56.

WAIT. WHAT? 1:56.

WHAT? 1:56.

OH. YOU KNOW, I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.

BUT I REALLY LIKE YOUR PERFUME.

THANK YOU. WHERE'D YOU GET IT?

VICTORIA'S SECRET.

I'M GONNA GO GET SOME.

THANK YOU!

OH, EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU HOLD THESE FOR ME, PLEASE?

I JUST NEED TO FIND MY PHONE IN MY PURSE.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, A WOMAN'S PURSE IS JUST A MESS.

IT REALLY IS.

- LET ME SEE. - NOW, YOU SEE THAT?

I JUST GAVE YOU THOSE.

NOW YOU'RE GIVING THEM TO THIS YOUNG GUY?

YOU'RE ALWAYS AFTER YOUNG GUYS!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU.

I GIVE YOU THIS, YOU DO THAT?

I'M THROUGH WITH YOU! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!

OH, HONEY, I-I --I'M JUST SICK OF YOU!

HONEY, I DIDN'T MEAN --COME ON. YEAH, RIGHT.

I'M SICK OF YOU.

Woman: HE WAS CUTE! HE WAS CUTE!

LISTEN, WE JUST HAD OUR FLOORS POLISHED.

WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO IS PLEASE COME AND TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES

AND PUT ON SOME BOOTIES FOR ME.

QUICK, QUICK, QUICK. EASY, EASY, EASY.

OKAY. TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.

VERY NICE. SIR, COME ON OVER HERE.

LET ME PUT SOME BOOTIES ON YOU.

JUST PUT THEM OVER YOUR SHOES.

HERE. LET ME PUT THESE ON FOR YOU.

WONDERFUL. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. ENJOY YOUR SHOPPING.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SUCH FUN

TO BE PROTECTED BY STRAPPING BODYGUARDS.

THAT'S WHY MY FRIEND MICHAEL ARRANGED FOR A SECURITY DETAIL

TO FOLLOW ME AROUND.

THAT'S RIGHT, BETTY.

I HAVE THE BEST SECURITY TEAM COMING OVER HERE.

OKAY, MICHAEL, BUT I JUST DON'T WANT

LIKE 10 GUYS ALWAYS FOLLOWING ME AROUND.

I WANT IT TO BE A SMALL TEAM.

THAT MUST BE THEM.

WELL, IT'S GOOD TO KNOW I GET WHAT I ASK FOR.

- OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. - YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

THAT'S OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

PUT THIS HERE FOR A MINUTE.

AH.

EXCUSE ME.

THAT'S MAKING ME REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

IF YOU COULD PUT THAT AWAY?

WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I CAN DO IT

'CAUSE MY WIFE JUST REALLY MAKES ME VERY UPSET

IF I DO THIS AT HOME.

YEAH, AND IT'S KIND OF MAKING ME UPSET, TOO,

SO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND TAKING IT TO ANOTHER OPEN SEAT,

MAYBE WHERE SOMEONE ISN'T SITTING NEXT TO YOU.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST HUMAN NATURE.

PEOPLE DO ALL THIS KIND OF STUFF.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T REALLY WANT TO VIEW IT RIGHT NOW.

WELL, I COULD TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

YEAH, IF YOU COULD, PLEASE.

I'LL TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE, NO PROBLEM.

- IF YOU COULD. THANK YOU. - YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

PORN, YEAH.

OH, MY GOD.

COME ON, MAN.

HAVE YOU SEEN A SCOOTER?

MY MOBILITY SCOOTER WAS RIGHT HERE, AND...

IF YOU SEE IT, LET ME KNOW, OKAY?

IT'S RED.

DO NOT TELL HIM YOU SAW ME.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE TO ANSWER SOME SURVEY QUESTIONS FOR ME?

- WHAT'S UP? - OH, GREAT.

UM, FIRST OF ALL, WHAT'S TODAY'S DATE?

UM, THE 19th, RIGHT?

AND WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE TODAY?

UH, IT'S, UM, CLOUDY.

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10, HOW HOT AM I?

HOLD ON. OKAY.

10.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU DID A GREAT JOB.

CAN YOU GUYS HELP US?

NO.

WE'VE JUST BEEN TRYING ALL AFTERNOON, TRYING TO BREAK IT.

Man: DON'T SCARE ME. DON'T SCARE ME.

OKAY. OKAY.

- OH, COME ON! - OH. GO AHEAD.

OH! OH!

OH, WOW! OH, THAT'S IT! WOW! LOOK AT THAT!

IT'S ALL THE VIAGRA STUFF!

HALLELUJAH!

COME ON. GIVE ME SOME. GIVE ME SOME.

THEY TALK ABOUT FOUR HOURS.

THIS IS GONNA LAST ME A WHOLE WEEK!

A WHOLE WEEK!

LET'S GO! LET'S GO! THANKS AGAIN!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

IS IT OKAY IF I SIT HERE FOR A MINUTE?

YEAH. GO AHEAD.

THANK YOU.

I'M REALLY EXCITED.

I'M MEETING MY, UH -- MY DAUGHTER HERE.

REALLY?

YES, AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN A LONG TIME.

SHE'S A REAL DOLL.

HI.

- Woman: HEY. - HOW YOU DOING?

- OOH, SIT DOWN. - ROOM ON YOUR KNEE?

ARE YOU GOOD?

I'M GOOD, GOOD, SWEETIE.

WHEW! OKAY.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

- THIS IS NOT MY DAUGHTER. - MY SWEET.

THIS IS MY SECOND WIFE.

WE JUST GOT MARRIED.

YEAH.

OH. THERE'S MY DAUGHTER.

HI, SWEETHEART.

- HI. - HI, DAD.

- HI, HONEY. - STEPMOM.

LET'S GO SHOPPING. COME ON.

WHOO!

WELL, EVERYONE, DIG IN.

MMM.

WE'VE SEEN A LOT IN OUR COLLECTIVE YEARS ON THIS EARTH,

AND ALTHOUGH OUR EYESIGHT MAY NOT BE WHAT IT USED TO BE,

THERE'S ONE THING WE CAN STILL SEE FROM A MILE AWAY -- A MARK.

SO WATCH YOUR BACK.

FRONT OR THE BACK?

UH, BOTH. THEY WERE REALLY GREAT.

AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN.

OH. THERE.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED

HOW MANY MEN WANT TO GET BY A NUN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IF I CUT THE BODY UP IN PIECES, I THINK IT'LL FIT.

GIVE ME A CALL LATER, OKAY?

OKAY. THANK YOU.

YEAH! YIPPEE!

YEAHHHHHH!