Original subtitles

I'M WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME.

- YEAH? - MY BOSS THINKS THAT I'M SICK,

AND I GOT TO CALL HIM AND PROVE THAT I'VE GOT A TERRIBLE COUGH,

BUT I CAN'T COUGH.

DO YOU MIND COUGHING FOR ME?

JUST HOLD ONE SECOND.

LET ME GET HIM ON THE LINE.

- Hello. - HELLO. MR. BURKETT?

YES, I'M VERY SICK, AND I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE COUGH.

YEAH.

YEAH, WELL, I'LL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW.

OKAY. BYE-BYE.

I THINK HE BOUGHT IT. I THINK HE BOUGHT IT.

THANKS A -- OH, MY GOD.

BUT NOW I GOT TO GET THIS THING DISINFECTED.

YOU COUGHED ON MY PHONE. MY GOODNESS.

THAT'S AWFUL.

YOU KNOW, I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO THIS SONG.

- WHOA. - OH!

WHOO! OH!

SHAKE THAT BOOTY, BABY.

I NEED FOR YOU TO MAKE SURE

- THERE'S NOTHING STUCK IN MY TEETH? - OH, MY GOD!

AS A WOMAN, I FACED A LOT OF OBSTACLES IN MY CAREER.

BUT NOW THAT I'M A SUCCESSFUL ACTRESS,

I THINK IT'S SO IMPORTANT

TO GIVE BACK TO THE YOUNGER GENERATION

WHO HOPE TO FOLLOW IN MY FOOTSTEPS.

THAT'S WHY I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A MENTOR.

NOW, LET'S REHEARSE THAT LOVE SCENE ONE MORE TIME.

I DON'T THINK YOU'VE QUITE GOT IT YET.

LADIES, THEY'RE LETTING ME TELECOMMUTE TO WORK TODAY.

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR

AND JUST HOLD MY iPAD FOR JUST A SECOND?

YOU WANT ME TO HOLD IT UP?

YEAH, JUST HOLD IT SO HE CAN SEE ME, OKAY?

OH, YOU GOT IT.

THIS IS ONE OF MY REGULAR CUSTOMERS.

YEAH, BABY. I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE.

OH!

OH!

WAIT. YOU DIRTY BOY.

HE'S GONE TOO FAR.

HE'S DOING WAY TOO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU'RE THE VALET, RIGHT?

DON'T JOYRIDE.

I'M GONNA CHECK THE MILEAGE WHEN I GET BACK.

OH, EXCUSE ME, SIR.

I JUST BOUGHT MY HUSBAND A BIRTHDAY PRESENT,

AND YOU'RE HIS EXACT SIZE.

COULD I, LIKE, TROUBLE YOU TO JUST PUT THIS ON

OVER YOUR SHIRT SO I CAN MAKE SURE THAT IT FITS?

IT WILL JUST TAKE A SECOND.

I CAN HOLD YOU BAG. OH, WONDERFUL. OKAY.

OH, WONDERFUL. ALL RIGHT.

THERE YOU GO.

GOODNESS.

OH, FABULOUS. THAT'S WONDERFUL.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND,

BUT KEEP THE SHIRT. IT SUITS YOU.

IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

I HAVE A DRUG TEST IN A COUPLE OF HOURS,

AND I KNOW I'M NOT GONNA PASS IT,

SO DO YOU THINK THAT I COULD HAVE A SPECIMEN OF YOUR URINE?

EXCUSE ME. I'VE HAD THE HICCUPS ALL DAY.

DO YOU MIND, LIKE, SCARING ME?

IF YOU JUST SCARE ME

UH, MAYBE THEY'LL GO AWAY?

I'LL TURN AROUND, OKAY? OKAY?

HA!

OH, THAT WAS GOOD.

WAIT. CAN YOU DO IT AGAIN?

REALLY TRY TO SCARE ME?

HA!

OOH! OH!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

CAN YOU, LIKE HOWL LIKE A WEREWOLF?

COME ON. HOWL LIKE A WEREWOLF.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'RE REALLY GONE.

COOL. COOL.

THANK YOU. SURE.

YOU YOUNG PEOPLE ARE OBSESSED

WITH TAKING PICTURES WITH YOUR PHONE.

AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY FUN.

BETTY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ALL THE KIDS ARE DOING THESE DAYS.

I'M TAKING A SELFIE.

I'M WITH THE INTERNET STREET VIEW TEAM,

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE A CAR COMING BY,

TAKING A PICTURE OF THIS AREA.

COULD I GET YOU TWO TO STAND HERE?

YOU'LL REALLY MAKE THE PICTURE LOOK GOOD.

IT WILL BE LIKE THE DUDE AND THE MODEL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF YOU COULD JUST KIND OF STAND HERE...OKAY.

...ON THIS SIDE AND FACE ME.

'CAUSE THE CAR IS GONNA COME THIS WAY.

NOW, OKAY, NOW, YOU LOOK REAL DUDE-ISH, YOU KNOW,

LIKE REAL MASCULINE, OKAY?

OH, YEAH. LOOKS GREAT.

NOW, YOU LOOK REAL MODEL-ISH, YOU KNOW, KIND OF BEYONCé.

OH, LOVE IT.

THE CAR'S GONNA BE COMING ANY SECOND.

I'M GONNA GET OUT OF THE PICTURE, OKAY?

MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DONATE YOUR BRA FOR WOMEN IN AFRICA?

THAT WOULD BE PERFECT.

WE'RE COLLECTING THEM

BECAUSE WE HAVE A SHIPMENT GOING OUT TODAY.

WE'LL HOLD UP A BLANKET, AND YOU CAN TAKE YOURS OFF.

MY SISTER HERE HAS DONATED HER BRA.

- I DONATED MY BRA TODAY. - RIGHT NOW.

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

I'M HANGING DOWN TO MY NAVEL, BUT IT'S OKAY.

WON'T YOU DO THAT FOR US?

I JUST HAVE, LIKE, NONE THAT FIT ME RIGHT NOW,

AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM THAT FITS ME RIGHT NOW.

MAYBE I'LL COME BACK.

WELL, BLESS YOU.

OKAY. THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CANDY?

IT'S FREE.

WHAT YOU GOT?

WHATEVER YOU WANT.

REALLY?

LOLLIPOPS.

THERE YOU GO. ANOTHER ONE?

ANOTHER ONE?

YEAH. GO FOR IT.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

- THANK YOU. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - YOU'RE WELCOME.

- RICHARD. OKAY. YOUR NAME? - THANK YOU, RICHARD.

MITCH. MITCH.

DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TELL YOU

NOT TO TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE.

COULD BE POISON, ROOFIE.

IT COULD BE A RAZOR BLADE.

PUT THEM BACK, MITCH.

HEY, YOU GUYS!

COME ON. I NEED SOME HELP.

YES, PLEASE!

ALL RIGHT, GET THAT HOOP UP.

ALL RIGHT! COME ON, COME ON.

YEAH, YEAH. GOOD. YOU'VE GOT IT.

NOW LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME! YES! LOOK, YOU'RE A NATURAL!

- I'M DOING IT! - YOU'RE DOING IT!

OH, MAN, YOU HAVE GOT IT.

YOU'RE GONNA BE GOOD!

YES! YES!

YEAH!

THIS IS A NO HOOP ZONE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.

DO YOU REALIZE THE LIABILITY THAT YOU MIGHT CAUSE?

OKAY, DO NOT HULA-HOOP.

OKAY, OKAY.

THANK YOU.

I'VE GOT THIS GUY IN MY LIFE.

I LIKE HIM, BUT HE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE "L" WORD.

I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN GOING TOGETHER FOR THREE MONTHS,

AND HE KEEPS BRINGING THIS UP, THE "L" WORD.

BUT HE DOESN'T MEAN "LOVE."

HE WANTS TO WATCH ME HAVING A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

- SERIOUSLY? - SERIOUSLY.

THAT'S WEIRD.

NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU?

NO.

GOOD GIRL TALK.

THANKS.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES, COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR

AND JUST HOLD MY BAG FOR A SECOND?

UH, SURE.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. - NO PROBLEM.

I JUST WANT TO POUR ONE OUT FOR THE HOMIES.

THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU LIKE ONE.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO READ ANOTHER LETTER FROM A FAN.

BRAD FROM INDIANA WRITES,

"BETTY, YOU STARTED OUT IN THIS BUSINESS AS A TEENAGER.

"WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TODAY'S YOUNG STARS

ABOUT HAVING LONGEVITY IN HOLLYWOOD?"

OH, THAT'S AN EXCELLENT QUESTION, BRAD.

THIS IS A VERY DIFFERENT TIME WE'RE LIVING IN

THAN WHEN I STARTED,

BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT ARE UNIVERSAL.

SHOW RESPECT TO YOUR CREW.

NEVER STOP STUDYING YOUR CRAFT.

AND NEVER, EVER TEXT PEOPLE SEXY PHOTOS OF YOURSELF.

SEND THEM ALL THROUGH SNAIL MAIL.

HI.

- HI. - HELLO.

ARE YOU ALL THREE IN A GROUP?

- YES. - YES.

OKAY, THINGS ARE GONNA GET REALLY CROWDED IN A MINUTE,

YOU KNOW, SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU TO DO

IS COMPRESS THE SPACE.

- OKAY. - SO THE THREE OF YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BE LINED UP.

THAT'S RIGHT. COULD YOU LINE UP THERE?

THAT'S GOOD. ALL RIGHT.

SO, IF I COULD GET YOU TO JUST HOLD ONTO THAT.

OKAY.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU AN EXTRA INCH.

YOU GUYS HAVE A 40-INCH ZONE, ALL RIGHT?

- OKAY. - SO WHEREVER YOU GO,

WHATEVER YOU DO FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING,

JUST STAY LIKE THAT.40 INCHES.

- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.

OH, HI.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

GOOD.

YOU LIKE MY MUSTACHE?

WHAT?

DOESN'T EVERYONE HAVE A LIVE-IN VOICEOVER MAN?

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

EXCUSE ME. COME HERE.

CHECK OUT MY STUFF.

FRANK'S HOUSE OF STUFF.

WHAT DO YOU GOT FOR US?

- WELL, I GOT FRANK'S HOUSE OF STUFF. - OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

- YOU SEE THAT? - THAT'S AWESOME.

IT'S THIS BOOTH AND IT'S ME.

- WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY IT? - YEAH.

YOU WOULD?

$6. $6.

MY HUSBAND IS LEAVING ME FOR A YOUNGER WOMAN,

AND THEY'RE THREATENING TO TAKE 50% OF MY ASSETS.

I'D RATHER JUST GIVE MY MONEY AWAY

THAN TO LET THAT SKANK HAVE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YES, MA'AM.

I MEAN, IT'S -- I TELL YOU WHAT.

LET ME GIVE YOU THIS PAINTING.

IT'S A VERY VALUABLE PAINTING.

LISTEN, I DON'T REALLY --

NO. I NEED YOU TO TAKE THIS. I DON'T WANT HER TO HAVE IT.

AND YOU AGREE WITH ME. YOU UNDERSTAND.

JUST TAKE IT.

YOU'RE VERY SWEET.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.

I'VE GOT PRETTY HIGH READINGS HERE FOR ODOR PROBLEMS.

- WHAT ARE YOU EATING? - GARLIC BREAD.

GARLIC BREAD.

GARLIC BREAD SHOULDN'T GIVE ME A READING THIS HIGH.

- DID YOU PUT SAUCE ON IT OR SOMETHING ELSE LIKE THAT? - NO.

I TELL YOU WHAT,

CAN YOU TAKE A LARGE BITE OF THAT

WITHOUT MAKING A GRIMACING FACE?

AND THEN MAYBE I WOULD KNOW FOR SURE

THAT IT'S NOT YOU.

UH, YEAH, SURE.

WOULD YOU DO THAT?

YOU KIND OF GRIMACED.

I'M NOT GRIMACING. I'M NOT GRIMACING.

- IT TASTES GOOD. - IT TASTES GOOD?

YOU CAN HAVE A PIECE IF YOU WANT.

COME IN, LOU. THIS IS COMMAND CENTER. YEAH.

WE'VE GOT AN EGG-SALAD-SANDWICH SITUATION ON LEVEL TWO.

REQUESTING BACKUP. IT'S PRETTY STINKY.

BETTER GET DOWN THERE QUICK. OKAY. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN, YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK RIGHT NOW.

I MIGHT COME BACK, THOUGH, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.

TODAY IS MY HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY,

AND EVERY YEAR, I GIVE HIM A PASS --

A FREE PASS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU ARE SO HIS TYPE.

NO. IT IS ASTOUNDING TO ME.

COULD I TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU?

HE WOULD BE SO EXCITED TO GET YOUR --REALLY?

YES! IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY!

WE'VE BEEN MARRIED 45 YEARS. JUST STAND RIGHT HERE.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYBODY LIKE YOU.

OKAY, READY?

ALL RIGHT, DARLING. NOW SAY, "OOH, LA, LA."

OOH, LA, LA.

OH, LISTEN,

HE'S GONNA SEE THIS PICTURE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

HE'S GONNA WANT TO MEET YOU, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, MY HUSBAND'S OLD,

BUT HE'S HOT.

REALLY. I CAN'T WAIT TO CALL HIM.

BYE, YOU GUYS. OH!

I'M GONNA CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.

SIR, I'M WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME WITH A PROBLEM, PLEASE.

- YEAH. - I HAD A TERRIBLE ARGUMENT WITH MY WIFE.

I'M GONNA GO HOME, AND SHE'S GONNA ASK ME A WHOLE BUNCH OF QUESTIONS.

YOU KNOW, I WANT TO LOOK LIKE I'M NOT LYING.

READ THESE TO ME, AND I'LL ANSWER THEM.

YOU LET ME KNOW IF I SOUND BELIEVABLE, OKAY?

OH, YOUR COOKING IS THE BEST.

I MEAN, IT'S ALWAYS WONDERFUL.

OH, YOU LOOK BETTER THAN WHEN I FIRST MET YOU.

I MEAN...

RHONDA?

WELL, I, UH --

NO, NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.

NOT AT ALL.

DO THOSE SOUND CONVINCING AT ALL?

- WHAT DO YOU THINK? - THE FIRST ONE DID.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, SIR?

EH, YOU WERE SHAKY ON THE TWO.

MAYBE, LIKE, IF IT WAS ON A GRADED SCALE,

I WOULD SAY LIKE A "C. "WELL, LISTEN, WISH ME LUCK.

- I WISH YOU LUCK. - TAKE YOUR CARE. THANKS, GUYS.

MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER PASSED ON

A METHOD FOR TESTING WHETHER FRUIT IS RIPE.

- CAN I SHOW YOU HOW SHE DID IT? - LISTEN --

WATCH, WATCH.

YOU TAKE IT, UH-HUH, AND YOU STOMP ON IT.

THAT'S NOT TOO BAD. SEE HOW IT SPLAYED EVENLY.

I WANT YOU TO TRY IT. IT WILL JUST TAKE A SECOND.

YOU'LL HAVE IT ALL YOU LIFE.

GO AHEAD. STOMP ON THAT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. YES, THEY KNOW ME.

NO, HARD, HARD! BOOM!

YES, YES!

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NOT VERY RIPE.

OH, WELL. THANKS ANYWAY FOR HELPING ME.

HAVE A GOOD DAY, HON, OKAY? YEAH.

I'M GOING TO HEAD OUT.

OH, WOULD YOU READ ME MY HOROSCOPE?

YOU'RE GONNA BE BLOWN AWAY.

AWESOME! THANKS.

MICHAEL --

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED MY GARDENER WAS HERE.

♪ OOH-OOH, OOH, OOH-OOH ♪

HEY, HEY, COULD YOU TAKE OUR PICTURE? YEAH.

YOU KNOW, WE'D LIKE SOME MEMORIES AND EVERYTHING.

- OF COURSE. - HERE YOU GO.

WE'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED A COUPLE OF YEARS.

LISA...

ALL RIGHT. READY?

STEP OFF, WILL YOU? STEP OFF.

- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. THANKS A MILLION.

- LOOKING GOOD. - REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

ALL RIGHT.

HI! HI.

THERE'S GONNA BE A PARTY AT BRUIN PLAZA IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES.

- OKAY. - YOU COME, OKAY?

- OKAY. - OKAY! THANK YOU!

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

I LOST MY TOUPEE,

AND I HAVE A DATE WITH A NEW GIRL THIS AFTERNOON,

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT I'M BALD.

SO, LIKE, WHERE'D YOU GET YOUR TOUP?

OH, I'M NOT WEARING A HAIRPIECE.

WELL, WAIT. TAKE YOUR HAT OFF.

IF I COULD JUST BORROW IT FOR TWO HOURS, THAT'S ALL I NEED,

AND THEN I'LL BE COOL.

MY HAIRDO.

MY HAIR -- MY HAIRDO IS ON MY HEAD.

I GUESS YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO HELP A FELLOW BALD GUY, HUH?

IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.

YOU KNOW THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST PLACES TO PICK UP CHICKS?

I'M SERIOUS, MAN. THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

YOU SEE THAT CHICK OVER THERE, THAT HOT ONE? YES.

I USED TO HOOK UP WITH HER.

THANKS FOR NEVER CALLING ME BACK.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS A ONE-NIGHT STAND.

EXCUSE ME.

CAN I GET YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR?

MY HUSBAND, MORTY, PASSED AWAY,

AND WE HAD THE MEMORIAL LAST WEEK,

AND NOBODY CAME.

COULD YOU JUST SIGN YOUR NAME AND SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MORTY?

AND WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

VERY NICE AND KIND?

YES.

OH, HE WAS AN

I MEAN, REALLY, HE WAS A JERK.

IT'S LIKE YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THAT?

HONESTLY.

MIGHT AS WELL NOT HAVE SIGNED IT.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES, HAVE YOU SMELLED ANYTHING

LIKE A GAS OR A CHEMICAL SMELL, ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

NO, BUT I DON'T SMELL VERY WELL.

OH, YOU DON'T SMELL IT? HOW ABOUT YOU?

I THINK THAT IF WE WOULD HAVE,

- WE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN USED TO IT BY NOW. - OH, YOU THINK SO?

GO AHEAD.

THE GAS HAS GONE ODORLESS, OKAY?

I'M GONNA CHECK UPSTAIRS, ALL RIGHT?

COPY THAT. WE MIGHT HAVE TO EVACUATE.

ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU. GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

WELL, EVERYONE, DIG IN.

ALTHOUGH YOU CAN'T CHOOSE YOUR RELATIVES,

YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY,

AND MY FAMILY MIGHT NOT BE THE YOUNGEST,

THE SHARPEST, OR THE FASTEST GROUP OUT THERE.

BUT IF THERE'S ONE THING ABOUT US THAT I KNOW FOR SURE,

WE CAN PRANK THE HECK OUT OF YOU YOUNG PEOPLE.

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS SAID THIS WAS GOING TO BE A COSTUME PARTY.

OH, FABULOUS.

OH!

WAIT. YOU DIRTY BOY.

SAY, "OOH, LA, LA."

I THINK HE BOUGHT IT.

- YOU KIND OF GRIMACED. - I'M NOT GRIMACING.