Original subtitles

EXCUSE ME.

HI.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

COMPLIMENTS OF THAT LOVELY WOMAN.

BRIEFS, BOXERS, OR COMMANDO.

THEY SAY YOU SHOULD GET IN AT LEAST 45 MINUTES OF CARDIO A DAY

TO MAINTAIN YOUR HEALTH.

I FEEL BETTER ALREADY.

♪ BAH BAH-BAH BAH BAH ♪

♪ BAH-AAAH-AAAH ♪

EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU TEXT SOMETHING FOR ME?

YEAH, SURE. OKAY.

"CAN'T MEET FOR DINNER.

MET SOMEONE I REALLY LIKE."

"HE WEARS SHORTS.

HE HAS RED SHOES AND A RED BEARD."

IS THIS FOR ME, OR NO?

- OH, YOU THINK IT'S YOU? - YEAH.

NO. IN YOUR DREAMS.

OKAY.

COME HERE. COME HERE. LET ME SHOW YOU.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY SOME FREE SUSHI SAMPLES?

THEY'RE REALLY FRESH.

OKAY, LET ME SHOW YOU.

OH, NO. I DON'T KNOW.

MMM.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

- NO. - MMM.

REALLY FRESH.

THANK YOU.

HELLO. I'M FROM NASA, AND WE'RE --

MAY I TALK TO YOU FOR JUST A MOMENT?

SURE.

WE'RE BROADCASTING, BEAMING A LIVE EVENT

FROM THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION,

AND I WONDERED IF YOU'D BE A PART OF IT.

IT'LL JUST TAKE A MOMENT. WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR --

YES? HOUSTON, YES, I DO.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME? NATALIE.

NATALIE. COME RIGHT HERE, NATALIE.

STAND RIGHT HERE FOR ME.

WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS THEY CAN SEE US, OKAY,

BUT WE CAN'T SEE THEM.

SO WHEN I GIVE YOU A COUNTDOWN,

YOU'RE GONNA PUT YOUR HAND STRAIGHT UP AND WAVE, ALL RIGHT?

WONDERFUL. I'M GONNA GET OUT OF THE SHOT AND BE RIGHT HERE.

OKAY, READY? THREE, TWO, ONE.

LOOK UP. WOULD YOU WAVE? JUST WAVE.

IT'S AN INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.

VERY NICE. KEEP WAVING.

KEEP -- YES.

WE NEED TO KEEP -- LOOK UP.

KEEP WAVING.

THEY CAN SEE DOWN YOUR SHIRT. JUST COVER UP JUST A LITTLE.

♪ HELLO, HELLO, HELLO ♪

EXCUSE ME, SIR. COULD YOU PICK THAT UP FOR ME?

WHOO, YEAH. BEND IT OVER, BABY.

BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM.

LET ME MAKE IT RAIN, HONEY.

COME ON. LET ME MAKE IT RAIN.

ALL RIGHT. LET ME SEE YOU SHAKE IT A LITTLE BIT.

ALL RIGHT. WHOO!

THANK YOU. WHOO! I AM ENJOYING.

I'LL DATE YOU.

EXCUSE ME. YOUNG LADY, MAYBE YOU CAN HELP.

I'M WITH THE GOVERNMENT. I'VE GOT THIS FOREIGN DIGNITARY.

HE'S FROM SIAM, HE'S A PRINCE,

AND HE WILL NOT WALK ON A PATH

THAT ISN'T STREWN WITH ROSE PETALS.

I JUST NEED TO GET THIS GUY OVER HERE.

IF YOU WOULD, JUST STREW SOME --

IS THERE SOMETHING IN THERE? YEAH, ROSE PETALS.

COME. COME. ALL RIGHT.

YOUR HIGHNESS.

PETALS. MORE PETALS. PETALS. PETALS.

LOTS OF PETALS.

PETALS, PETALS. MORE, MORE.

OH, THE WIND IS BLOWING THEM AWAY. THAT'S TERRIBLE.

IT'S NOT RIGHT. IT'S ABSOLUTELY NOT RIGHT.

I WANT MORE PETALS.

- THANK YOU, DARLING. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME, HON.

COULD YOU HOLD THIS FOR JUST A SECOND?

I'M TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING IN MY PURSE,

AND I CAN'T -- I CAN'T FIND IT.

GOSH ALMIGHTY. I'VE HAD SUCH A DAY.

YOU'VE PROBABLY HAD A DAY LIKE THIS.

FIRST I DROPPED THE PHONE IN THE TOILET, AND IT WAS SO DISGUSTING.

EWW!

OH!

STILL AT IT.

I'M REALLY WORKING UP A SWEAT NOW.

HI.

- CAN I SIT OVER HERE? - SURE.

- OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. - SIT WHEREVER YOU WANT.

- IT'S A LITTLE SUNNIER HERE. - EXACTLY. IT'S WARM.

BEAUTIFUL DAY. OH, MY GOODNESS.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

I'M FROM ENGLAND.

FROM ENGLAND. OH, MY GOODNESS.

WELL, YOU'RE A VERY PRETTY GIRL.

YOU REALLY, REALLY ARE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YEAH.

OH, YOU SEE, THAT'S MY HEART-RATE MONITOR.

WHEN I GET EXCITED, YOU KNOW, WHEN I SEE PRETTY GIRLS,

IT GETS ME REALLY, REALLY EXCITED.

OH, GEEZ.

ESPECIALLY SOMEBODY LIKE YOU FROM ENGLAND.

I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST GETTING A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH.

IT COULD BE DANGEROUS. I BETTER GET AWAY FROM YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT AND RELAX?

WELL, NO, THAT'S OKAY. I BETTER GO.

I GOT TO TELL YOU, YOU'RE REALLY A HEARTBREAKER.

WARNING. WARNING.

YOU'RE VERY SEXY, ALSO. YOU'RE VERY SEXY.

WARNING. WARNING.

DANGER.

GUYS, CAN YOU WATCH THIS A SECOND?

I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD.

- YOU MEAN TO WATCH THIS? - I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. OH. THANK YOU.

- I GOT IT. - THANK YOU.

OH, ACTUALLY, SHE JUST WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE JUST ASKED ME TO WATCH THIS FOR HER.

YEAH. YEAH, RIGHT. OKAY. SURE.

YOU CAN GIVE HER A TICKET, BUT I'M DEAD SERIOUS. SHE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WELL, THAT'LL BE GOOD WHEN YOU GO TO COURT WITH IT.

OH, I'M NOT GOING TO COURT. SHE WILL.

YEAH. YEAH, "SHE."

OKAY, I GOT 45 OUTSTANDING VIOLATIONS ON THIS PLATE

THAT YOU HAVE ACCUMULATED.

THAT'S NOT MINE.

ARE YOU REFUSING A TICKET?

- I'LL LEAVE IT FOR HER. - OKAY.

I'M SORRY. I'M VERY RESPONSIBLE. THIS IS NOT MINE.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY YOU PUT THE TICKET I JUST GAVE YOU THERE

- WHERE IT CAN BLOW AWAY? - AM I SUPPOSED TO HAND IT TO THE OLD LADY?

I'LL HAND IT TO THE OLD LADY WHEN SHE GETS BACK IF YOU'D LIKE, SIR.

YEAH, OLD LADY, HUH?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

CAN I HAVE YOUR -- IS YOUR NUMBER -- IS YOUR BADGE ON HERE?

YOU BET.

THANK YOU.

WOW.

WHAT A PRICK.

HI, THERE. I WAS JUST GONNA READ ANOTHER LETTER FROM THE FANS.

"DEAR BETTY,

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HELPING THOSE POOR ANIMALS?"

OH, WHAT A WONDERFUL QUESTION.

I GOT INVOLVED WITH POOR ANIMALS WHEN I WAS AROUND 10.

WASN'T TILL I WAS 20 THAT I GOT INVOLVED WITH RICH ANIMALS.

HEY, COME ON, MA. DANG!

GOD.

EXCUSE ME. YOU GUYS LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS?

I LIVE WITH MY MOTHER.

SHE'S 97 YEARS OLD, AND SHE THINKS I'M A KID.

I STAYED OUT THE OTHER NIGHT,

I COME IN AFTER MIDNIGHT, AND SHE'S GIVING ME THE BLUES.

NOW, NOW, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

YEAH, MA.

NO, I'M NOT HANGING OUT WITH HER.

NO, SHE'S A BAD INFLUENCE, AND I KNOW IT.

BUT LISTEN, MA.

YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT SHE DOES TO ME.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

I'M WITH THE CITY,

AND OUR COMPUTER HAS FLAGGED YOU TWO AS A COUPLE.

WAIT! COME BACK!

I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND.

THE REALITY IS, OUR COMPUTER FLAGGED YOU AS A SEVEN

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, FLAGGED HER AS FIVE.

SO I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A FREE MAKEOVER.

- OH! - AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF SHE'S NOT WILLING TO TAKE IT...

OH, YEAH. I GOT YOU.

OKAY.

♪ OOH, GIRL ♪

♪ I LOVE THE WAY YOU WALK ♪

SIR, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY A NEW FRAGRANCE?

IT'S FROM DENMARK.

IT'S GUARANTEED

TO ATTRACT THE WORST WOMEN YOU COULD PROBABLY ATTRACT,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, YOU KNOW?

AND IT'S CALLED SLUETS. SLUETS.

HERE. TRY SOME ON YOUR HAND, OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

HOW'S THAT? SMELL THAT. GO AHEAD. HOW'S THAT?

YEAH.

OH ARE YOU WEARING SLUET?

OH!

GET OUT OF HERE. NO, NO. THAT'S THE --

SIR, ONE MOMENT, PLEASE. I GAVE YOU THE WRONG ONE.

GIVE ME THE OTHER HAND. THIS IS THE YOUNG SLUETS.

HOW'S THAT? TRY IT, TRY IT, TRY IT.

SEE? YEAH.

- HUH? YOU LIKE THAT ONE? - THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

ARE YOU WEARING SLUET?

RIGHT HERE.

OH, MY GOSH. YOU SMELL SO GOOD. THANK YOU.

ARE YOU FREE LATER?

- YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. - YEAH?

GREAT. CALL ME.

THAT'S AWESOME, MAN.

YES.

REMEMBER -- SLUETS.

SLUETS. SLUETS.

SLUETS.

WELL, THAT'S A DISAPPOINTMENT.

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING I COULD DO?

OKAY.

THANKS, JEFF.

WHAT'S WRONG, BETTY?

THAT WAS MY AGENT.

I JUST LOST OUT ON A ROLE IN THE "FIFTY SHADES OF GREY" SEQUEL.

WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY SAID I WAS JUST TOO YOUNG TO PLAY ANASTASIA STEELE.

HMPH!

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH-OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH ♪

YOU EVER PLAYED CHICKEN?

- HUH? - HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED CHICKEN?

NO.

YOU WANT TO PLAY?

NO.

YOU WANT TO PLAY CHICKEN? YOU WANT TO PLAY CHICKEN?

- HUH? YOU WANT TO PLAY? - OH, MAN.

AH, COME ON. COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

I GOT TO GO. I GOT TO GO TO WORK.

- I GOT TO GO TO WORK. - JUST MINUTE. JUST A MINUTE.

FOR WHAT? I GOT TO GO TO WORK.

I WIN! I WIN!

WANT TO PLAY CHICKEN?

WHOO, WHOO-WHOO, WHOO, WHOO, WHOO, WHOO, WHOO, WHOO!

WHOO! WHOO!

WHOO! WHOO!

I THINK I COULD. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I JUST GOT A TATTOO, AND I'M A LITTLE DISORIENTED.

ON MY CHEST. I WANT TO SHOW IT TO SOMEBODY.

YEAH. IT'S AN EAGLE -- A BIG EAGLE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT? WHAT'S FUNNY? WHAT IS IT?

THE EAGLE.

- THE EAGLE IS FUNNY? - IT'S VERY FUNNY.

MOST SENIORS ARE RESISTANT TO NEW TECHNOLOGIES,

BUT I JUST LOVE IT.

IN FACT, I ALMOST ALWAYS USE TEXTING

INSTEAD OF CALLING THESE DAYS.

ALTHOUGH, I MIGHT HAVE TO RETHINK THAT.

I'M READY TO GO HOT-TUBBING, BETTY.

I MEANT TO TEXT JAMES, NOT JANE.

DARN AutoCorrect.

♪ I KNOW IT'S EASY TO FORGET HER ♪

♪ I KNOW IT'S EASY TO FORGET IT ♪

YIPPEE-AY-OH!

HELLO. THIS IS FOR YOU, SIR.

OH. THERE WE GO.

COMPLIMENTS OF THAT LOVELY WOMAN.

HELLO.

♪ OOH ♪

QUICK FAVOR.

I'M GONNA NEED THIS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER

FOR AFTER LUNCH.

I GOT TO MAKE A QUICK RUN.

YOU'RE GONNA BE THE BEST SECRETARY

IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

I KNOW THAT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HOW YOU GUYS DOING TODAY?

OH, GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD. THANKS.

MY WIFE -- SHE JUST PASSED.

AW.

OH, NO. IT'S OKAY.

SHE PASSED THE G.R.E. EXAM.

SHE'S GOING BACK TO COLLEGE.

WHAT I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT IS,

WHAT IF SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH A YOUNG COLLEGE KID?

DO YOU THINK SHE'D LEAVE ME?

I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO WORRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THANKS. THANK YOU.

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME, "BETTY,

HOW CAN YOU DO EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO

AND STILL KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THE FANS?"

THE TRUTH IS, I HAVE AN INTERN.

BY CALLING HER AN "INTERN,"

I'M ABLE TO GET AROUND THOSE PESKY CHILD-LABOR LAWS.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

I JUST PICKED THIS UP FROM THE POST-OFFICE BOX.

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND GET THIS TAPE OFF?

YEAH...

OH, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

I'M SO EXCITED. MY BOYFRIEND SENT THIS TO ME.

OH.

DO YOU MIND?

OH, HERE.

THIS IS SO EXCITING.

OH, THANK YOU SO --

OH, MY GOODNESS.

OH, YEAH. HE COULDN'T HAVE GONE TO ALL THIS TROUBLE FOR NOTHING.

OH, MY GOD.

OOH! OH, MY GOD!

OH, RECYCLE THESE FOR ME. I GOT TO GO TELL MY FRIEND.

YES!

YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY I COULD TALK TO.

- CAN I ASK YOU ONE QUESTION? - YES, CERTAINLY. YEAH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF A TEACHER DATING A STUDENT?

- HOW OLD IS THE AGE DIFFERENCE? - A LOT.

BUT I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM.

HOW OLD IS HE -- OR SHE?

WELL... HOW OLD?

NOT VERY OLD. NOT VERY OLD?

- REALLY? - YEAH, SO JUST BE CAREFUL.

I JUST WENT BACK TO COLLEGE, AND HE'S MY SPAN--

HE'S MY SPANISH TEACHER.

- AMAZING. I THINK IT'S OKAY. - OH, GOOD.

YOU GUYS GO FOR IT.

HEY, THANKS.

EXCUSE ME, GUYS. YOU MIND IF I SIT HERE? NO.

- THANK YOU. - NO PROBLEM.

OOH!

- THIS IS MY FIRST COMIC-CON. - OH, GREAT. YEAH.

ACTUALLY, I'D LIKE TO TAKE MY GRANDSON.

OH, GREAT.

- BUT HE'S BEEN LYING TO ME. - OH, NO.

YEAH, I THINK HE'S BEEN SMOKING MARIJUANA.

I WENT IN HIS ROOM -- FOUND IT RIGHT IN HIS ROOM.

- OH, NO. - OH, MY GOSH.

IF HE HAD TOLD ME, WE COULD'VE SHARED IT.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I'M FAIR, YOU KNOW?

BUT HE LIED. SO I JUST KEPT THE WHOLE THING.

YOU GUYS WANT TO GO ROLL UP A COUPLE OF DOOBIES?

- SERIOUSLY? - THANK YOU, THOUGH.

OKAY, WELL, I THINK I'M GONNA GO ROLL ONE UP,

AND THEN I'LL ROLL BACK IN HERE.

BY THEN, I'LL BE READY TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT, TOO,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THAT IS SO RIGHTEOUS.

♪ NAH, NAH, NAH ♪

♪ NAH, NAH, NAH ♪

♪ NAH NAH-NAH NAH ♪

♪ NAH, NAH, NAH ♪

- HOW YOU DOING? - GOOD. HOW ABOUT YOU?

I'M DOING GREAT.

OH, NO,

BUT I GOT SOME REASONABLE, REASONABLE ADVERTISING SPACE

JUST FOR YOU GUYS.

YOU KNOW, FOR THE RIGHT PRICE, WE'LL TAKE THIS OFF,

AND WE'LL PUT YOUR NAME PERMANENTLY RIGHT ON HERE.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? IS IT GOOD?

OH, ALL OVER THE WORLD.

I JUST TRAVEL ALL OVER ALL DIFFERENT PLACES, YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST REALLY WONDERFUL.

YOU WANT THE NUMBER?

YEAH, I WILL. SURE, SURE.

YEAH, PLEASE. DO IT. YES, HERE.

MAYBE I'LL BE HEARING FROM YOU, HUH?

MAYBE. TAKE CARE.

SEE YOU LATER, BRO.

HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?

- PRETTY WELL. YOURS? - DO YOU SUPPORT GOOD CAUSES?

ALL THE TIME. REALLY? I HAVE ONE THAT'S GREAT.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER SUPPORTING IT?

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT IT IS.

OKAY, I'M TAKING SAMPLES OF PEOPLE'S HAIR.

WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO JUST GIVE ME A SAMPLE?

A VERY SMALL SAMPLE, YES.

OKAY. OH, REALLY?

'CAUSE YOU SAID YOU SUPPORT GOOD CAUSES.

OKAY.

OH, YOU'RE SO KIND.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW KIND YOU ARE.

- IT'S REALLY A GREAT CAUSE. - THANK YOU.

HAVE A GREAT DAY. YOU, TOO.

♪ BAH ♪

AND NOW "BETTY WHITE'S PEARLS OF WISDOM."

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST ONE FRIEND...WITH BENEFITS.

NO, NOT LIKE THAT.

SO YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE ACCESS TO CHEAP PRESCRIPTIONS.

EXCUSE ME.

KEEP WAVING.

MMM.

WOW.

WHAT A PRICK.

OH, MY GOODNESS.