Original subtitles

HI, GIRLS!

I'M PART OF THE WELCOMING COMMITTEE FOR THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

MY NAME IS ANN.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, DON'T GO NORTH OF WEYBURN,

BECAUSE THAT'S MY TERRITORY.

AND IF YOU DO, I'LL HAVE TO YOU UP.

OKAY? OKAY.

HI.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

COMPLIMENTS OF THAT LOVELY WOMAN.

BRIEFS, BOXERS, OR COMMANDO.

HERE AT "OFF THEIR ROCKERS," WE HAVE ONE RULE,

BUT THEN EVERYBODY FORGOT THAT RULE.

AND WE REALIZED WE REALLY NEVER GAVE A DAMN ABOUT RULES

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

SO WATCH YOUR BACK.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CELLPHONES?

MY DAUGHTER SENT ME THIS,

- BUT THIS HAS A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE BATTERY LIFE. - OKAY.

SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT IF YOU RUB IT

ON A PARTICULAR FABRIC

THAT IT WILL RECHARGE THE BATTERY.

I WONDER IF I COULD JUST RUB IT RIGHT ON YOUR -- ON YOUR --

SURE. OH, GREAT. OKAY.

OH, IT'S NOT WORKING. THIS PANTS STUFF IS GOOD.

LET ME JUST DO IT RIGHT HERE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

BEND OVER JUST A LITTLE BIT, 'CAUSE IT'LL -- OKAY.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

OH! OH, MUCH BETTER.

THANKS. IT'S A GOOD THING I DIDN'T CHARGE MY iPAD, HUH?

WHOO-HOO! YOU HAVING FUN BACK THERE, BILLY?

WHOA-HO!

OH, WHERE'D HE GO?

HE GOT AWFULLY QUIET ABOUT HALF A BLOCK AGO.

OH, WELL, HE CAN FIND HIS WAY HOME.

WHEE-HEE!

HI.

I KNOW THIS IS AWKWARD,

AND I KNOW YOU'RE AT WORK AND EVERYTHING,

- BUT I'M DATING YOUR EX. - WHICH ONE?

WHERE DID YOU LEAVE THESE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

HE ASKED ME TO RETURN THEM TO YOU.

WHAT AN INSANE SACK OF CRAP.

THEY'RE YOURS. THEY'RE --NO, THEY'RE NOT MINE.

THEY'RE YOURS.

HE SAID THAT YOU WERE BITTER. I UNDERSTAND.

NO, I'M -- HE'S MINE NOW.

YOU KNOW WHO IT IS.

ARE MY EYES VERY RED?

NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S CLEAR.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

'CAUSE I'M ON BREAK,

AND IF MY BOSS SEES ME WITH RED EYES,

HE'LL MAKE ME TAKE A DRUG TEST.

OH, NO, YOU'RE CLEAR.

I WON'T PASS.

YEAH.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

THANKS FOR TELLING ME.

HI. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING? - I'M GOOD.

- WE'RE COLLECTING FOOD TODAY TO SEND TO AFRICA. - OKAY.

AND SO I WAS WONDERING, IF YOU'RE ALMOST FINISHED,

IF YOU'D LIKE TO DONATE YOUR FOOD.

I'M SORRY?

THIS FOOD IS GOING TO AFRICA? YES.

A LOT OF OTHER CHARITIES, THEY TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE TOP.

THIS FOOD WILL BE BAD BY THE TIME IT REACHES AFRICA.

OH, NO, WE SEND IT TONIGHT.

NO, THANK YOU.

THAT'S COOL. I'M GONNA EAT IT.

EVEN IF YOU JUST HAVE A BITE LEFT,

EVERY BITE COUNTS.

THANK YOU.

HI, THERE.

TODAY I WANT TO TALK ABOUT ANNOYING FACEBOOK POSTS

AND HOW YOU CAN BLOCK THEM.

ARE YOU READY?

BECAUSE THIS LITTLE TIP CAN REALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

HERE GOES.

HI. MY FRIENDS AND I ARE RAISING MONEY FOR A CHARITY.

- CAN YOU DO IT? - OKAY.

OH, YOU'RE SO SWEET.

OKAY, LET'S GET WASHING.

♪ OOH OOH-OOH-OOH OOH-OOH OOH ♪

♪ HELLO, HELLO, HELLO ♪

Betty: SOMETIMES I LONG FOR THE SIMPLER DAYS --

THE FAMILY GATHERING AROUND THE RADIO,

CALLING PEOPLE ON A LANDLINE,

OR USING A STAMP TO SEND A LETTER.

BUT THEN I REMEMBER SNAPCHAT, AND I GET OVER IT.

UGH. EW.

EXCUSE ME, MISS. CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

I-I HEAR THE HIP THING IS THAT BOYS WEAR THEIR HATS BACKWARDS.

IS THAT -- THAT TRUE?

UM, YEAH, I GUESS. I GUESS SO.

GIRLS LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

UH, SOME GIRLS.

MAYBE I SHOULD DO IT MYSELF. WAIT A MINUTE.

IS THAT GOOD? IS THAT COOL?

THAT'S AWESOME. THAT'S COOL.

I LIKE THAT.

MAYBE I SHOULD WEAR IT LIKE THIS.

YEAH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NO PROBLEM. HAVE A GREAT DAY.

AND YOU, TOO, MA'AM.

EXCUSE ME. CAN I SIT HERE FOR A SECOND?

I GET MUCH BETTER PHONE RECEPTION HERE.

THANKS. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

GOOD. GOOD.

OH, I GOT THE BEST JOB.

I RUN A PHONE-SEX LINE.

OH.

I DO. IT'S SO EASY.

YOU CAN WORK ANYWHERE.

OH, I'VE GOT A CALL!

HELLO, BIG BOY.

I'M IN THE BEDROOM.

YES, I'M IN THE BEDROOM.

WHAT? WHAT AM I WEARING?

NOTHING. OH, YOU NAUGHTY BOY.

OH, MY GOD, I HAVE ANOTHER CALL.

OH, I HATE TO LOSE THIS. JUST HOLD THAT FOR ME FOR A SECOND.

JUST HOLD IT FOR A SECOND.

- MAN: Wait. Hello? - JUST TALK TO HIM FOR A MINUTE.

NO. HELLO, SWEETIE.

I'LL CUT YOU IN, I'LL CUT YOU IN.

I thought we were gonna talk.

OH, YOU BIG BOY.

Hello?

Sweet lips?

Sweet lips, where'd you go?

This is costing me a fortune.

GOOD. YOU'RE HERE.

I'LL DO ALL THE TALKING.

THE LAUNCH CODE AND ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEED

TO GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY IS IN THAT ENVELOPE.

WHEN YOU GET OUT,

GIVE THE INFORMATION TO THE FALCON.

THEN LEAVE FOR GUATEMALA.

MY CODE NAME IS IRON FIST.

I'LL SEE YOU IN GUATEMALA.

IT'S YOU? IT'S YOU?

SIX MONTHS AGO, I WAS DOING A MAGIC ACT,

AND I TOLD YOU TO PICK A CARD.

THIS IS YOUR CARD. AM I RIGHT?

NO. NO?

NO? IT WASN'T THIS CARD?

NO.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE BUS STOP IS?

I NEED SOME HELP.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO MARRY THIS GUY.

I CAN'T. I REALLY JUST CAN'T.

THERE'S A BUS STOP RIGHT THERE ON THE CORNER.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANKS!

EXCUSE ME. HAVE YOU SEEN MY BEAUTIFUL BRIDE?

MY BEAUTIFUL BRIDE?

- SHE WENT THAT WAY? - BUS STOP.

OKAY. THANK YOU.

LET'S DO THIS.

WAIT UP, BABE!

WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME?

THESE ARE GORGEOUS, BETTY.

THANK YOU.

UM, WHAT'S THIS ONE CALLED?

OH, THAT'S FRAXINUS EXCELSIOR.

MMM. AND WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

AMARYLLIS LUTES.

AND HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

PRANKITICIUM SPICA. REALLY?

MM!

AND THE BEST PART IS, I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WATER IT.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. YEAH?

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CITE YOU FOR TAKING SELFIES.

I-I... WHAT?

NO, NO, I HAVEN'T.

YEAH.

WHERE? I DON'T...

THERE YOU ARE, RIGHT THERE.

YOU'RE JOKING.

LOOK, YOU CAN TAKE PICTURES OF THE CARS.

YOU CAN'T TAKE PICTURES OF YOURSELF.

YOU TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT I SHOT.

THAT'S THE CAR.

OKAY. HAVE A NICE DAY.

UM...OKAY.

HI, EVERYONE.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO READ AN E-MAIL FROM A FAN.

BE PERSISTENT, SPEAK UP,

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, LEAN IN.

YOUR CLEAVAGE LOOKS A LOT BETTER THAT WAY.

WONDER IF YOU COULD HELP ME FOR A SECOND.

OKAY, WHAT'S UP?

WELL, I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM.

I TOLD MY WIFE I WAS GOING ON A BUSINESS TRIP

AND THAT THERE WOULD BE A LOT OF STATIC,

A LOT OF INTERFERENCE. YOU COULD HELP ME

IF I'D GET HER ON THE LINE

AND YOU COULD CRINKLE THE PAPER SO IT SOUNDS LIKE STATIC.

OKAY. IF YOU'D TAKE THIS.

WELL, LET ME GET HER ON THE PHONE.

H-HI, MARY.

MARY, I-I-I CAN HARDLY HEAR YOU.

OH, THE STATIC IS JUST AWFUL.

IT'S REALLY, REALLY BAD.

CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING,

BUT I'LL TRY TO CALL YOU LATER.

OH, HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU SO MUCH?

- THAT WAS WONDERFUL. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHY ARE YOU LYING TO YOUR WIFE?

WELL, BECAUSE -- YOU KNOW WHAT? --

EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU JUST KIND OF HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM THINGS.

HI. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

WHAT TIME? YEAH.

IT'S 3:20.

- OH, THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU'RE SO PRETTY. THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

WELL, I'M A MODEL.

OH. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF CHANGING CAREERS?

- I'M A RECRUITER. - FOR?

AN UP-SCALE BROTHEL.

- PBHT! - OHH.

- THERE IS A BENEFIT. - MM-HMM.

I SLEEP WITH EVERY NEW RECRUIT.

YEAH, OKAY.

THANK YOU. I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

HI. YOU'RE SO NICE. WHAT DO YOU DO?

♪ SING LA LA LA-LA LA LA ♪

♪ SING LA LA LA-LA LA-LA LA ♪

HI. I'M CINDY. NICE TO MEET YOU.

- THANK YOU. - I JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU.

I THINK YOU'RE REALLY CUTE.

WOULD YOU MAYBE WANT TO GRAB DINNER SOMETIME?

SURE.

I'VE BEEN SPOTTING YOU FROM ACROSS THE ROOM.

HERE'S MY NUMBER. OKAY.

AND THEN YOU CAN JUST FIGURE IT OUT.

BUT I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW,

MY PARENTS ARE SUPER PROTECTIVE,

AND MY DAD HAPPENS TO BE IN TOWN

AND HE WANTED TO COME MEET YOU AND SAY HI.

HOW YOU DOING, SIR?

I'LL LET YOU CHAT

FOR A MINUTE.

HOW YOU DOING?

SO? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

DAD!

DAD...

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

FIGURE IT OUT LATER,

BUT I SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE MY NUMBER BACK FOR NOW.

OKAY.

♪ LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT, THERE'S A BIG WAVE COMIN' ♪

♪ AND IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR HEAD ♪

♪ LOOK OUT ♪

EXCUSE ME, HON. COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

I JUST BOUGHT A CANDY BAR OVER AT THE DRUGSTORE,

AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE THEY DIDN'T OVERCHARGE ME.

COULD YOU HOLD THAT FOR A SECOND?

I JUST NEED TO KIND OF SEE WHAT...

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OH, GOD. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OH, OKAY, OKAY. I THINK I'M GOOD.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

WAIT. YEAH, THERE IT IS.

I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD. GOSH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HEY, WANT SOME BREWSKIS? I GOT SOME IN THE FRIDGE.

- YOU SERIOUS? - YEAH, GO FOR IT.

HERE YOU GO. LET ME HELP ME, LET ME HELP YOU.

YEAH, IT'S LEGAL. GO FOR IT.

THANKS. YEAH, TAKE IT.

SERIOUSLY? YEAH.

I'M ALREADY SMASHED, MAN, SO YOU CAN FINISH THAT FOR ME.

PARTY ON.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

WOULD YOU CARE FOR A SPOT OF COFFEE?

HOW MUCH IS IT?

OH, IT'S NOT -- IT'S FREE.

OH. I'LL TRY A CUP, THEN.

OKAY. UH, DO YOU HAVE A CUP?

NO.

WELL, MAYBE IF YOU JUST CUP YOUR HANDS --

YEAH -- IT MIGHT JUST BURN JUST FOR A LITTLE.

THAT WAS GOOD.

YEAH, IT'S OUTSTANDING, ISN'T IT?

SURE, BUT DO YOU HAVE A CUP I CAN HAVE?

- NO, I DON'T HAVE A CUP. - OH, NO. NO, THANK YOU.

WELL, THE NEXT TIME.

OKAY, THANKS. ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

GIVE ME A HIGH FIVE.

MY FRIEND ANN AND I -- WE'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT,

IF WE WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND,

WHAT'S THE ONE THING WE'D WANT TO BRING WITH US.

I'D WANT TO BRING MY PHOTO ALBUMS

OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

OH!

I'D WANT TO BRING A BIG, STRONG ROD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DEAR?

I'M LOOKING FOR

THE BIG, STRONG GUY

NAMED ROD TO WALK IN HERE.

GUY?

I'M TALKING ABOUT MY WALKING STICK.

OH, GEEZ, ANN, I'M NOT THAT PREDICTABLE, AM I?

SORRY, BETTY.

GET OUT OF HERE, ROD.

EXCUSE ME.

HI. I'M DOING THIS CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

I WAS WONDERING,

DO YOU KNOW A 6-LETTER WORD FOR A GROUP OF PLATYPUS?

NO. YOU DON'T?

OKAY, YEAH.

HOW ABOUT A 4-LETTER WORD

FOR CASUAL SEX?

WOULDN'T IT BE...

DO YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH?!

REALLY? HONESTLY!

COULD I TALK TO YOU FOR JUST A MOMENT?

I'M HAVING A VERY TROUBLING DAY,

AND MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME OUT.

I'M FEELING GUILTY BECAUSE I'M HAVING TROUBLE

KEEPING MY VOW OF ABSTINENCE.

SEE, I MET THIS GUY.

I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE.

NOW, WE DID DO A LITTLE, I THINK THEY CALL IT,

DRY-HUMPING IN THE BACKSEAT OF HIS CAR.

BUT I HAD MY HABIT ON,

SO THAT COUNTS AS A FORM OF ABSTINENCE, DON'T YOU THINK?

HELL, NO. UH-OH, REALLY?

YOU CAN'T BE DOING THAT IF YOU ABSTINENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? YOU CAN'T BE DOING NO --

DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN THAT POSITION.

BUT YOU -- YOU SHOULD SEE HIM.

ALL IN BLACK, WITH THAT LITTLE, WHITE SEXY COLLAR.

I MEAN, OH, MY GOODNESS. I -- WHOO!

NO, REALLY, I NEED TO TAKE A COLD SHOWER

JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

- YEAH. JUST PRAY. - YEAH, I WILL PRAY.

THANK YOU. YOU'VE HELPED ME SO MUCH.

OH-HO-HO. BLESS YOU!

WHAT DO YOU DO?

THAT'S MORE THAN MY SON DOES.

I CAN'T GET HIM TO WORK.

Y-YOU'RE SUCH A NICE GUY.

AND YOU'RE VERY POLITE.

YOU KNOW, THIS MAY SOUND SILLY.

I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE YOU IN MY WILL THAN MY SON.

YOU'RE A HELL OF A LOT NICER.

THAT'D BE NICE, BUT...

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU...

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIGN.

JUST SIGN RIGHT HERE.

OKAY. MY LAWYER WILL BE IN TOUCH WITH YOU.

THANK YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY.

WELL, EVERYONE, DIG IN.

MM!

THE SIX OF US HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT TOGETHER.

WE'VE LAUGHED, WE'VE CRIED,

WE'VE CRIED LAUGHING.

BUT IF I'VE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM ALL THIS,

IT'S THAT WHEN YOU GET TO BE AS OLD AS WE ARE,

YOU YOUNG PEOPLE WILL LET US GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING.

IT MIGHT JUST BURN JUST FOR A LITTLE.

BEND OVER JUST A LITTLE BIT.

- BUT I'M DATING YOUR EX. - WHICH ONE?

I'M SORRY? WHAT AM I WEARING?

DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN THAT POSITION.

HEY, WANT SOME BREWSKIS?

THIS IS YOUR CARD.

I SLEEP WITH EVERY NEW RECRUIT.

OH, THE STATIC IS JUST AWFUL.

- THEY'RE YOURS, THEY'RE YOURS. - I DON'T WEAR UNDERWEAR.