Original subtitles

EXCUSE ME.

IS THAT YOURS?

NO. NO?

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY -- OH, MY GOD.

OH, THERE MUST BE AT LEAST $100,000 IN HERE.

OH, MY GOD.

YEAH.

YEAH.

NAILED IT.

AH-CHOO!

OOH!

HI, THERE.

WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS," THE SHOW --

BETTY, BETTY, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

IT'S REATHA. SHE'S GONE ROGUE.

WE'VE HAD EYES ON HER ALL WEEK.

SHE'S BEEN OFF THE CLOCK,

BUT SHE'S BEEN PRANKING PEOPLE AT THE SUPERMARKET,

THEME PARKS, AND EVEN LITTLE KIDS ON THE PLAYGROUND.

I SEE!

BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT.

YESTERDAY, WE CAUGHT HER STALKING PEOPLE

IN FULL-ON ZOMBIE MAKEUP.

ONE POOR GUY ALMOST BROKE HIS LEG

TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM HER.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT HER?

NOTHING.

CAN ONE OF YOU GET ME SOME POPCORN AND A SODA?

THIS IS GONNA BE BETTER THAN "BRIDESMAIDS."

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU HELP ME FOR A SECOND?

MY HUSBAND'S DOWN THERE.

THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM

WAS WHEN HE PASSED THROUGH THOSE TREES DOWN THERE.

COULD YOU CALL HIM FOR ME AND GET HIS ATTENTION?

I WANT HIM TO KNOW I'M UP HERE.

HIS NAME IS JAMES.

JAMES! YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE CALL EACH OTHER PET NAMES.

IF YOU YELL "HOT STUFF," HE'LL KNOW IT'S ME.

JUST ONE TIME, SO HE KNOWS I'M UP HERE.

OKAY, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

SO YOU WANT ME TO CALL HIM "HOT STUFF"?

YEAH. HE'LL KNOW IT'S ME.

UM, OKAY. UH...

HOT STUFF!

ONE MORE TIME.

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND.

OKAY, UM...

HOT STUFF!

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

OH, MY GOD.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S HIM.

OKAY.

- I AM SO SORRY. - NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I AM SO SORRY.

EXCUSE ME, HON.

COULD YOU HELP ME FOR JUST A SECOND, SWEETIE?

I'M TRYING TO LIGHT THIS, AND MY ARTHRITIS IS KICKING IN.

COULD YOU LIGHT THIS CIGAR FOR ME REALLY QUICK?

MMM, MMM. THANK YOU.

OH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T USUALLY SMOKE CIGARS,

BUT ONE OF THE SISTERS HAD A BABY LAST NIGHT --

OH, I THINK THAT'S A SECRET.

SO DON'T TELL ANYONE, ESPECIALLY NOT THE PRIESTS,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE KIND OF STRAIGHT-LACED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THANK YOU, HONEY. HAVE A BLESSED DAY.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO TAKE A VIDEO FOR ME?

GREAT.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU KNOW HOW TO USE THIS?

YES, I DO. YOU WANT A VIDEO?

YEAH, A VIDEO. OKAY.

HI, LOIS.

IT'S ME, AND I'M IN SUNNY, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

I HOPE THAT YOU AND DR. LARD ASS

ARE ENJOYING YOUR NEW LIFE IN FRIGID PHILADELPHIA.

WITH HER, BY THE WAY, "FRIGID" IS THE OPERATIVE WORD.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

ANYWAY, I'M ABOUT TO HIT THE WAVES.

I GOT A COUPLE OF BEACH BUNNIES

THAT ARE WAITING TO MEET ME DOWN THERE.

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING, LOIS?

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE GIRLS AROUND HERE THINK I'M CUTE.

HAVE A NICE LIFE.

HOW'S THAT?

DID THAT COME OUT OKAY?

- YEAH? YOU GOT IT? - IT WAS GOOD, YEAH.

GREAT. I'M GONNA POST THIS RIGHT ON HER WALL.

YOU BETCHA, YOU BETCHA. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU THINK THAT WAS A LITTLE TOO MUCH?

IT WAS GOOD. YES, I AGREE, I AGREE.

HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

OH!

WHAT ARE YOU HAVING TODAY?

THE MONGOLIAN GRILL.

IS IT GOOD?

VERY TASTY. OH, REALLY?

YOU KNOW, THIS LOOKS GOOD.

YEAH. I'M WAITING FOR MY GIRLFRIEND TO COME BACK IN.

OH, REALLY? OH, SHE'S GONNA SIT HERE?

YES.

OH, I'LL MOVE OVER.

OOH...

YEAH, I MEAN, IF YOU WANT TO SIT ON ANY OF THESE,

YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO.

MMM!

HOW IS THAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE A FRENCH FRY?

OH, NO, I'M GOOD. THANK YOU.

REALLY?

I LOVE TO SHARE.

MMM. THIS IS GOOD.

I HOPE YOUR GIRLFRIEND WON'T MIND.

IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY.

YOU TOO.

MMM!

THE CAST AND I WERE JUST DOING

A LITTLE BONDING BEFORE THE SHOW.

UH, IF YOU WANT TO DO SOME REAL TEAM BUILDING,

YOU'VE GOT TO FIRE-WALK.

RIGHT, RICHARD?

I FEEL SO CLOSE TO YOU NOW, BETTY.

TO ALL OF YOU.

OKAY, BETTY. YOU'RE UP.

SURE THING.

OH.

DID I FORGET TO MENTION FOOTWEAR IS ALLOWED?

EXCUSE ME.

YOU KNOW, I FORGOT MY GLASSES, AND -- AND IT JUST --

WHAT CHAPTER DOES THAT SAY?

THAT'S 13.

REALLY? ON WHAT?

IT SAYS "FOUR-YEAR SERIES."

OH, OH.

YOU KNOW, I ALREADY DID THAT.

I DON'T NEED THIS ANYMORE. THANKS.

OH, I LOVE PIÑATAS.

SOMETIMES I THROW A PARTY

JUST TO HAVE AN EXCUSE TO WHACK A PIÑATA.

WELL, HERE, BETTY. TAKE THIS AND HAVE AT IT.

BETTY, DON'T PEEK.

GIVE IT A GOOD RIP, BETTY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

LOWER!

HIGHER, HIGHER!

HEY, BETTY, YOU SWING LIKE A GIRL!

OHH!

OH, MICHAEL. YOU SCREAM LIKE A GIRL.

ARE YOU OKAY, MIKE?

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY PHONE IS STARTING TO DIE.

NO.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

I'M SORRY. NO, I TOLD --

NO, LOOK. I'M AT THE AIRPORT.

I'M WAITING ON THE PLANE.

REALLY, I'M WAITING ON THE PLANE!

RIGHT NOW I'M WAITING ON THE PLANE.

FAX IT.

I DON'T CARE HOW YOU --

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR FAX MACHINE'S BROKEN?

OF ALL DAYS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THEN E-MAIL IT.

COME ON, E-MAIL IT, THEN.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO E-MAIL?

REALLY?

OKAY, OKAY. GOODBYE.

SOME PEOPLE ARE SO INCONSIDERATE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO SPREAD JOY AND HAPPINESS.

HELLO, THERE.

I HAVE TO ASK YOU A FEW SECURITY QUESTIONS, OKAY?

DID IT HURT?

DID WHAT HURT?

WHEN YOU FELL FROM HEAVEN.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

I JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW TO COOK THEM IN THE MORNING.

WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?

NO.

YES.

WELL, WHAT TIME DO YOU GET OFF?

4:00.4:00?

I WILL BE BACK BEFORE 4:00.

OKAY.

THANK YOU. BYE.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

- OH, WOW! - ALL IN BLACK.

'90s LOOK.

THE SHIRT AND THE PANTS -- THEY DON'T WORK.

YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN

WHEN YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL FIGURE LIKE YOU DO.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

I LIKE THE PANTS. I LIKE THE CUTOFFS.

BUT THE BLACK SOCKS HAVE TO GO. YOU NEED WHITE SOCKS.

YOU KNOW, WE LOVE GETTING GIFTS FROM OUR FANS.

WE CAN'T WRITE A THANK-YOU NOTE FOR EVERY GIFT,

BUT WE CERTAINLY TRY.

BETTY, WHAT SHOULD I WRITE FOR THIS LOVELY MUG?

"I'LL THINK OF YOU EVERY TIME I DRINK TEA

FROM MY BEAUTIFUL MUG."

HOW ABOUT THIS ADORABLE GIRAFFE?

"OH, I LOVE IT.

"IT REMINDS ME OF MICKEY,

MY FAVORITE MASAI GIRAFFE AT THE ZOO."

AND THIS ONE?

"555-0100."

WHAT'S THAT?

MY PHONE NUMBER.

EXCUSE ME. YEAH.

I WANT TO REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL.

OKAY.

UM, I JUST GOT THIS.

HOW DO YOU REPLY?

- HE NEEDS MY HELP? - DO YOU KNOW?

UM, I THINK SO. I HAVE ONE.

YEAH?

THIS AFRICAN PRINCE SAYS

HE'LL GIVE ME $5 MILLION WORTH OF DIAMONDS

IF I JUST SEND HIM $10,000.

REALLY? GOODNESS GRACIOUS!

- YEAH. I'M GONNA DO IT. - THAT'S A GOOD DEAL.

CAN YOU TYPE FAST? YEAH.

- YOU WANT ME TO TYPE FOR YOU? - YEAH, YEAH.

SURE.

"DEAR YOUR MAJESTY,

I WILL SEND YOU $10,000 TODAY."

WOW.

I'M GONNA GET $5 MILLION WORTH OF DIAMONDS.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

GO, RICHARD, GO!

YOU CAN DO THIS!

OH. YOU CAN DO BETTER.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET A LITTLE SPIN ON THAT, PAL.

OH.

YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?

LET'S SEE. COME ON, COME ON.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

WOW!

GOOD JOB!

GOOD. VERY GOOD.

YOU CALL THAT SPIN?

WATCH A PROFESSIONAL.

WAIT FOR IT.

WHERE IS IT? WAIT FOR IT.

O.M.G.!

AMAZING!

- HOW'D YOU DO THAT? - I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

BETTY, YOU ARE THE GREATEST.

THAT WAS REALLY SOMETHING.

WHOO!

UH...

WOW.

UH, LET'S KEEP THAT OUR LITTLE SECRET.

EXCUSE ME.

SIR, EXCUSE ME.

DID YOU SEE A BOY DOWN THERE?

I LET HIM, YOU KNOW, OFF HIS MONKEY LEASH,

AND NOW I CAN'T -- I DON'T --

A BOY?

YES.

NO.

HE HAS, YOU KNOW, BROWN HAIR AND BROWN EYES.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK WITH THE POLICE HERE.

CHECK? YEAH.

THEY'LL PROBABLY HELP YOU FIND HIM.

HEY, WERE YOU LOOKING FOR ME?

YOU HAD ME WORRIED SICK.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M GONNA LET YOU OFF THIS LEASH.

YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR -- NO, NO.

NO, YOU HAVE TO BE OUT OF YOUR MIND.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - NO, I'M NOT KIDDING YOU.

EXCUSE ME. PLEASE STOP.

WE'RE DOING TRAFFIC CONTROL FOR INSURANCE PURPOSES.

HOW LONG DO I WAIT?

UNTIL IT'S SAFE TO PROCEED.

WHY AM I STOPPED AND THEY'RE GOING?

BECAUSE YOU'RE ALONE AND THEY'RE TWO PEOPLE.

SO, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

AS SOON AS WE GET A PARTNER FOR YOU,

THEN YOU CAN GO THROUGH.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I'M -- I'M NOT KIDDING YOU. NO, I'M NOT.

SO, THAT COULD TAKE 10, 15 MINUTES?

NO, IT WON'T TAKE 10.

MAYBE...11.

OKAY.

WELL, YOU JUST LOST A CUSTOMER.

BYE.

HELLO. HELLO.

ARE YOU REALLY GONNA SEE THIS FILM?

I SAW THIS YESTERDAY.

THE ENDING IS HORRIBLE.

REALLY? IT IS.

THEY BLOW UP THE PLACE,

AND THE GUY GOES OFF IN A SPACESHIP.

I DON'T GET IT, BUT...

ALIENS -- DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

I DON'T GET IT.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HATE IT, BUT ENJOY IT.

REALLY, IF YOU CAN.

HI. CAN I HAVE YOUR TICKET, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

EW. YOU'RE NOT GONNA SEE THIS MOVIE, ARE YOU?

WHOO! WHOO!

SHH-WAA!

YEAH.

WOW!

WHOO, WHOO, WHOO, WHOO!

OH, HI!

OH, OH, OH! YEAH, YEAH!

WHOO, WHOO, WHOO!

WHIP TIME!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHEE!

YEE-YAH!

THIS IS A JOGGING PATH!

MOVE IT!

THIS IS A JOGGING PATH, FELLAS! LET'S JOG IT UP!

THANK YOU!

YOU WERE JUST LOOKING AT THAT STATUE.

AM I RIGHT?

YOU ARE RIGHT.

YEAH, WELL, THAT STATUE IS BEING RENOVATED.

AND NOBODY CAN LOOK AT IT

UNTIL THE RENOVATION IS COMPLETE.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - YOU JUST LOOKED AT IT AGAIN.

OH.

- THEY'RE RENOVATING IT. - ARE YOU GONNA WRITE ME UP?

YES.

WHY ARE YOU GONNA WRITE ME UP? BECAUSE I LOOKED AT IT?

FOR LOOKING AT A STATUE.

YOU'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT YOU CANNOT LOOK AT THAT STATUE.

BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. IT'S LIKE IT'S RIGHT --

UH, UH! ALL RIGHT.

SO, WAIT, WAIT.

LIKE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT MY -- WHAT I'M --

YOU DIDN'T SEE THE SIGNS THAT SAID "DO NOT LOOK --"

WHERE ARE THE SIGNS?

AT THE BEGINNING OF EVERY PATH --

OH! OKAY.

I DIDN'T LOOK AT IT THAT TIME. I SWOOPED BY IT.

OKAY. THEN I'M GONNA HAVE TO WRITE YOU UP

FOR SWOOPING AND MULTIPLE LOOKING AT THE STATUE.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

NO, I ONLY LOOKED AT IT ONE TIME.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT?

I JUST HEARD THERE'S SOME LOOKIE LOUS

LOOKING AT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE.

UH-OH. I GOTTA GO.

THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.

HELEN. HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

HI, GUYS. HOW YOU DOING?

NICE TO SEE YOU. HI.

WE LIKE TO GET SEATS NEXT TO PEOPLE.

WE DON'T LIKE TO SIT TOGETHER.

THAT'S HELEN, AND I'M DOTTIE.

NICE TO SEE YOU, YEAH.

WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE A SANDWICH?

- YOU'RE OKAY? - WE GOT WHEAT BREAD.

WE HAVE TURKEY AND HAM.

- THANK YOU, BABE. - EXCUSE US, PLEASE.

HOPE YOU DON'T MIND,

BUT IT'S MORE FUN WHEN YOU'RE SITTING WITH PEOPLE.

I GOT CHIPS, TOO.

OH, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. HAVE A CHIP, AT LEAST.

YOU LIKE CHIPS?

YOU GOT APPLES?

REALLY? DID YOU BRING A KNIFE?

HELEN, DID YOU BRING THE DIP?

NO, I DON'T HAVE THE DIP. I JUST HAVE --

AND I HAVE NO NAPKINS.

WELL, LET'S GO BACK TO THE CAR.

ALL RIGHT. WE GOT TO GO FAST. THE MOVIE'S GONNA START.

LISTEN, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OKAY?

DON'T LET THEM TAKE OUR SEATS. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

EXCUSE ME. I'M GONNA GO GET SOME...

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, GOSH. HURRY! HURRY, HELEN.

HELLO.

I AM SO SORRY THAT I'M LATE.

ARE YOU READY TO LEAVE HERE, BIG BOY?

HUH?

ARE YOU READY TO GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE?

EXCUSE ME?

YOU'RE THE GUY FROM CRAIGSLIST

THAT WANTED TO BE DIAPERED AND SPANKED

AND TREATED LIKE A CHILD?

NO. NO.

OH, MY GOD. I AM -- I AM SO SORRY.

I -- HE SAID HE WAS GONNA BE WEARING A BLUE T-SHIRT.

I'M SO SORRY. I GOT TO FIND HIM. OH, MY GOD.

EVERYONE GETS WRINKLES,

BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GO THE BOTOX ROUTE,

THEN MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THESE SIMPLE PRECAUTIONS.

FIRST, USE SPF 30.

SECOND, STAY OUT OF THE SUN.

AND, THIRD, MAKE SURE YOU DRINK PLENTY OF LIQUIDS.