Original subtitles

MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.

OH.

OH, THESE ARE HORRIBLE.

THEY'RE KILLING ME.

ONE, TWO.

I HATE IT WHEN THEY WAD IT UP

BEFORE THEY GIVE IT TO YOU, YOU KNOW?

OH.

REALLY, I SPEND MORE TIME

TRYING TO FLATTEN THEM THAN GETTING THEM.

IT'S REALLY...

I KEEP THEM CLOSE TO MY HEART.

OH, GOOD.

I THOUGHT I LEFT IT IN THE CLUB.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OH, TO FRESNO.

OH. THAT'S NICE. DO YOU LIVE THERE?

UH, NO. I'M VISITING A FRIEND.

OH, HAVE A GOOD TIME.

THANKS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WELL, NOW THAT I'VE FINISHED THIS,

I'M GOING BACK TO THE CHURCH.

OH.

YOU KNOW, A GIRL HAS TO DO THE LORD'S WORK.

BYE. HAVE A GOOD DAY.

NAILED IT.

AH-CHOO!

OOH!

MMM.

MM. HI, THERE, AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

MMM.

EXCUSE ME FOR EATING IN FRONT OF YOU,

BUT I'M JUST TRYING TO FINISH THIS BEFORE MY NEW TRAINER,

BOB HARPER FROM "THE BIGGEST LOSER,"

COMES IN AND MAKES ME EAT NOTHING BUT LETTUCE.

HI, BETTY. YOU READY TO WORK OUT?

WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

HOT DOGS AND LICORICE FOR LUNCH?

NO. IT'S JUST A SNACK.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SO GLAD YOU CALLED,

BECAUSE I'M GONNA GET YOU HEALTHIER, OKAY?

FIRST THING I'M GONNA DO, CHECK YOUR HEART RATE.

OKAY. LET'S SEE.

HOW'S THAT HOT DOG? IS IT GOOD?

OOH. YOU LIKE IT?

ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOUR HEART RATE'S GOOD.

WHAT ELSE ARE YOU EATING BESIDES THIS CRAP?

SOMETIMES, I LIKE PIZZA.

OF COURSE YOU DO.

UH, SO, IF WE'RE THROUGH HERE,

I'M JUST GONNA START ON SOME DESSERT.

SIR, I JUST WAS WONDERING THERE WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO.

"WE FOUND LOVE " BY RIHANNA.

DIDN'T YOU SEE THE SIGN?

I DIDN'T. YEAH. YEAH.

I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO WRITE YOU UP FOR THAT.

RIHANNA, HUH?

YEAH. OKAY.

BUT WHY?

WHY? WHY?

WHAT HAPPENED? WHY? HOW IS THAT A RULE?

WELL, IF IT WASN'T RIHANNA, I MIGHT LET IT SLIDE, BUT OKAY.

IF IT WASN'T RIHANNA?

OKAY.

I'M REALLY GETTING A TICKET.

ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA HAVE TO CALL FOR BACKUP.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

ALL RIGHT.

REQUESTING BACKUP. YEAH.

WHY ARE YOU CALLING FOR BACKUP?

YEAH, I HAVE A HOSTILE MUSIC LISTENER HERE.

Roger that, officer 82.

Backup is on the way.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. JUST STAND RIGHT HERE, SIR.

BACKUP IS COMING.

WHERE YOU GOING, SIR?

I'M A LIFEGUARD. OKAY.

HERE WE GO!

AAH!

I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT.

YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU.

OH, YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT!

HEY!

HEY! COME HERE! COME HERE! COME HERE!

COME HERE!

COME HERE! COME HERE! COME HERE!

I GOT IT. TAKE A LOOK WHAT HE'S GOT.

I GOT IT. LET ME GET IT.

OH! YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT! HERE SHE COMES! HERE SHE COMES!

HERE! HERE! COME HERE!

LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS!

HEY, HOLD ON TO THIS.

I THINK SHE'S CALLING THE COPS!

SHE'S CALLING THE COPS!

SHE'S CALLING THE COPS!

DID HE REALLY TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE?

COME ON. LET'S GO.

LOOK, WHAT BETTY WANTS, BETTY GETS.

IT'S IMPORTANT THAT MY TEAM IS ALWAYS FULLY PREPARED,

SO I LIKE TO KEEP THEM ON THEIR TOES.

THIS IS ONLY A DRILL.

GRAB YOUR VALUABLES, AND MEET ME ON THE FRONT LAWN.

ALL RIGHT. HURRY UP, MICHAEL.

OH, GOOD. YOU GOT THE WHOOPEE CUSHION.

UH, UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A DEAD CHICKEN?

OH, YEAH, GOOD. YOU GOT THE AWARDS.

UH, UH, YOU BE CAREFUL WITH HER.

OH, I'VE TRAINED 'EM WELL.

EXCUSE ME.

THIS THING COMES WITH FOUR PLATES.

IT'S JUST ME AND MY WIFE.

I DON'T NEED FOUR PLATES.

I JUST NEED TWO. OH.

OH, MY DOCTOR TOLD ME I NEED TO EAT MORE VEGETABLES.

HE SAYS IT'S JUST AS IMPORTANT WHEN YOU'RE 90 AS WHEN YOU'RE 9.

AHH.

OF COURSE, IT'S A LOT MORE FUN NOW.

MMM.

EXCUSE ME.

WHERE DO YOU GET THIS?

IT'S RIGHT IN THE FRIDGE ACROSS THE STREET.

HAVE YOU EVER BOUGHT IT BEFORE?

YEAH. I ALWAYS BUY IT HERE.

IT'S 10 BUCKS. IT'S REALLY GOOD.

10 BUCKS? YEAH.

- THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. - YEAH.

YEAH, I THINK I'LL KEEP IT. THANKS.

WAIT, WHAT?

HERE'S A TEST.

COMPLETELY FILL IN THE BUBBLES.

YOU HAVE ONE HOUR STARTING NOW.

WHEN I SAY PENCILS DOWN, I MEAN PENCILS DOWN.

IS THIS WHERE ALL THE TRAINS COME IN RIGHT IN HERE?

THIS IS FOR THE METRO, THIS HALLWAY HERE.

AH.

AND THEN FOR THE TRAINS,

I BELIEVE IT'S THE LOBBY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HALLWAY.

OH, GOOD.

- THANK YOU, YEAH. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

YEAH.

I'M WAITING FOR AN OLD FRIEND

I HAVEN'T SEEN IN... I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY YEARS.

- OH. EXCITING STUFF. - YEAH.

I KNOW. HIS NAME IS PHIL.

WE WERE IN THE WAR TOGETHER...

OH, WOW.

...A LONG TIME AGO,

AND WE WERE REALLY THROUGH THICK AND THIN, I'LL TELL YOU.

BUT THEN, YOU KNOW, THINGS HAPPEN.

I HAVEN'T BEEN IN TOUCH FOR ABOUT 40 YEARS.

10 YEARS AGO, HE CONTACTED ME.

AND WHAT'S INTERESTING IS THAT PHIL IS NOW PHYLLIS.

OH, INTERESTING.

YES. HE HAD A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION. YEAH.

AND HE PUT SOME PICTURES UP ON FACEBOOK.

- THAT'S SO NEAT. - I'LL TELL YOU. HE LOOKS PRETTY HOT.

PHYLLIS LOOKS PRETTY HOT, YOU KNOW?

THEY CAN DO AMAZING THINGS THESE DAYS.

THEY CERTAINLY CAN.

YEAH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I FIGURE IF I PLAY MY CARDS RIGHT,

I MAY JUST GET LUCKY.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

OKAY. I'D BETTER GO.

ALL RIGHT, SIR. YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE, ALL RIGHT?

- DO I LOOK OKAY? - YOU CERTAINLY DO.

- HAVE FUN WITH PHYLLIS, ALL RIGHT? - THANK YOU.

YEAH!

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED FOR ME, WILL YA?

I CERTAINLY WILL. OKAY. YEAH.

WOULD YOU LIKE A COMPLIMENTARY UMBRELLA?

OH, NO. THAT'S OKAY.

HERE YOU GO.

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

WOULD YOU LIKE A COMPLIMENTARY UMBRELLA?

NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

ENJOY IT.

STAY DRY.

HI. WELCOME BACK.

YOU CAUGHT ME ABOUT TO INDULGE

IN ONE OF MY GUILTIEST PLEASURES --

EATING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

WHILE WATCHING "THE BIGGEST LOSER."

I'M ALWAYS AFRAID

BOB HARPER'S GONNA YELL AT ME FOR EATING SWEETS.

BETTY WHITE, ARE THOSE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES?

OH, YES, BUT THEY'RE SUGAR AND GLUTEN FREE.

OH, IN THAT CASE, CAN I HAVE SOME?

OH.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT ANOTHER ONE OF MY GUILTY PLEASURES IS?

FIBBING TO MY TRAINER.

EXCUSE ME.

I FORGOT MY GLASSES.

CAN YOU READ THIS FOR ME?

UH-HUH. IT SAYS, "HEY, BABE.

DID YOU FIND A GOOD CHICK FOR OUR THREESOME?"

THREESOME? OH!

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?

HI. HOW YOU DOING?

NICE BENCH.

PLEASE. OH, THANK YOU.

UH, EXCUSE ME A MINUTE. CAN I ASK YOU A FAVOR?

WHAT IS IT?

A YEAR AGO,

MY WIFE DIED RIGHT IN THAT SPOT WHERE YOU'RE SITTING.

DO YOU MIND IF I...?

PLEASE. OKAY.

OKAY, JUST SIT OVER HERE. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH. THIS IS VERY SACRED TO ME.

THIS WAS THE SPOT.

WELL, NO PROBLEM.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HATE --

MAYBE IT WAS THAT SPOT.

CAN I CHANGE WITH YOU AGAIN? THAT WOULD BE REALLY GREAT.

I'LL TRY THIS ONE.

WELL, THANK YOU.

OH, YOU'RE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY VERY KIND.

YOU KNOW, SHE JUST PASSED AWAY A YEAR AGO,

SO I CAME HERE WITH A MEMORIAL.

BUT THIS DOESN'T FEEL --

DO YOU MIND IF WE CHANGE AGAIN?

I DON'T MEAN -- IT'LL BE BETTER FOR ME.

BUT I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT I GET THE RIGHT FEELING,

BECAUSE WHEN I GET THE RIGHT FEELING,

THEN I'M GONNA SAY SOME PRAYERS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

- YOU WANT TO GIVE ME YOUR HAND? - I'LL GIVE YOU A HAND.

BUT, WELL, HO-- WAIT A MINUTE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? - IS IT THIS SEAT?

IT'S THAT SPOT. I CAN FEEL IT.

IT'S IN MY CRAW.

YOU CAN SIT WHEREVER YOU WANT.

I KNOW, BUT YOU'RE VERY KIND.

I JUST GOT TO GET THE RIGHT FEELING,

BECAUSE IT WAS A VERY IMPORTANT MOMENT IN MY LIFE.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

AND I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.

BUT THIS -- THIS...

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S THIS SPOT?

THAT ONE. I GOT TO CHANGE IT.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

THIS IS THE ONE THAT FEELS THE BEST.

MAYBE IT WAS OVER MORE TO THE LEFT

LIKE THIS, LIKE THAT.

WILL YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN?

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE YOUR SEAT, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I -- WHAT BEACH IS THIS?

- THIS IS VENICE BEACH. - VENICE BEACH.

YOU KNOW, I THINK WAS HERMOSA BEACH.

I THINK I'VE GOT THE WRONG BEACH!

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, OKAY? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HI.

HEY, THERE.

I NEED AN IMPARTIAL JUDGE.

WILL YOU DO IT? OKAY.

READY, LANE 1, LANE 2.

GO!

HEY. HEY. YOU'RE CHEATING!

I GOT YOU! I GOT YOU!

I GOT YOU!

I GOT YOU! I GOT YOU!

I GOT YOU!

WHO DO YOU THINK WON?

IT WAS CLOSE.

HOW ARE YOU LADIES DOING?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

EXCELLENT.

UH, I SEE YOU'RE ENJOYING A NICE SUB SANDWICH.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU.

THE PRESIDENT WOULD LIKE TO MEET YOU.

IS THAT SO?

THAT IS SO.

WOW. WHERE IS HE?

WHERE IS HE?

I SHOULD ASK YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS FIRST.

ARE YOU CURRENTLY EMPLOYED?

- YEAH. - OKAY.

AND YOU'RE IN REASONABLY GOOD HEALTH?

YES. EXCELLENT.

COLLEGE STUDENTS?

YES. LOVELY.

GREAT CANDIDATES.

UH, MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU COME IN PLEASE?

OKAY, SEND HIM IN.

HERE HE COMES.

- HERE'S THE PRESIDENT. - HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

HI. I'M PRESIDENT OF THE WASHINGTON, D.C...

OKAY.

...CONDO ASSOCIATION.

- HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING ABOUT RETIREMENT?

WELL, WE'RE HAVING

A REAL WONDERFUL PARTY ON SATURDAY NIGHT,

AND WE'D LIKE YOU TO COME.

HERE'S SOME BROCHURES.

HELLO, THERE.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

THAT'S THE BETTY PHONE.

HELLO?

OH, HI, ROBERT.

Pattinson.

YE-- CALM DOWN.

CALM DOWN.

GET IN YOUR CAR, RACE TO THE NEAREST DRUG STORE,

BUY THREE CANS OF THE STRONGEST HAIR SPRAY YOU CAN FIND.

SPRAY FOR AT LEAST 10 MINUTES.

UH-HUH.

YEAH, AFTER THAT,

NOTHING WILL MOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL MANE OF YOURS AGAIN.

OH. OH.

OKAY.

GOOD LUCK, YOU SPARKLY LITTLE VAMPIRE, YOU.

CELEBRITY EMERGENCY.

YEAH.

DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING. COME ON.

JUMP IN. WIGGLE! WIGGLE!

JUMP IN. WE'RE DOING THE WIGGLE.

OOH! THEY'RE GOOD.

YEAH, THE WIGGLE.

OH!

THANK YOU!

WHOO!

OH, YEAH!

YOU GUYS ARE GOLD!

THAT WAS SO GREAT.

HEY! THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

E-E-EXCUSE ME.

I FIXED YOUR DRINKS IN THE BACK, YOU KNOW,

AND I LOST MY BAND-AID,

SO I'M JUST WONDERING IF IT'S IN HERE OR SOMETHING,

JUST LIKE IN THE BACK.

MAYBE IT'S IN THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

UH, I -- OH, NO.

- LOOK, I'M SORRY. - IT'S STILL THERE.

OH, YOU KNOW, BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY, RIGHT?

I'M NOT DRINKING THIS.

I'M NOT DRINKING THIS.

THE GEEZER PUT HIS HAND IN MY DRINK.

I'M NOT DRINKING THIS, AND MY TABLE'S A MESS.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

I FORGOT MY GLASSES.

I TOOK THIS TEST, AND WOULD YOU MIND READING IT FOR ME?

OH, OF COURSE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

WHY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IT'S POSITIVE, MA'AM.

WH-- WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU'RE PREGNANT, MA'AM.

NO!

I CAN'T BE PREGNANT AGAIN.

WHAT?

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD.

WHOA, HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

SOMETIMES I'VE HEARD OF FALSE READINGS.

THESE ARE NOT ALWAYS ACCURATE.

BUT I WANTED TO GO TO SCHOOL.

I WANTED TO GO BACK TO COLLEGE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

MA'AM, CHECK WITH THE CLINIC, AND YOU'LL BE OKAY.

OKAY.

TRUST ME, CHECK WITH THE CLINIC.

OH!

OH!

OH.

THANK YOU.

NO PROBLEM.

I NEED SOME 2x4s, SOME GALVANIZED BOLTS,

SOME SHEETROCK, SOME DRYWALL SCREWS,

AND A TAPE MEASURE, ALL RIGHT?

WHEN YOU GET IT, DIAL 55.

IT'S A BURNER PHONE. JUST THROW IT IN THE TRASH.

I'LL MEET YOU HERE, AND I'LL PAY YOU, OKAY?

OH, AND A DOZEN EGGS.

MY WIFE, SHE'LL KILL ME IF I DON'T BRING THOSE HOME.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I'VE KEPT

SO MANY OF MY WONDERFUL COSTUMES OVER THE YEARS,

BUT I THINK IT MIGHT BE TIME TO DONATE SOME.

I JUST CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO DONATE AND WHAT TO KEEP.

BETTY, I THINK THIS CALLS FOR A...

MOVIE MONTAGE!

THIS WAS MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE PANTSUIT

ON "THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW."

KEEP! KEEP!

I WORE THIS BIG-SHOULDERED DRESS

IN ONE OF MY FAVORITE EPISODES ON "THE GOLDEN GIRLS."

DONATE. DONATE.

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

DONATE.

KEEP.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.