Original subtitles

I'M SORRY.

WE DON'T ALLOW OUTSIDE FOOD IN OUR RESTAURANT. OH.

HERE'S OUR MENU,

AND I'LL BE BACK TO TAKE YOUR ORDER IN JUST A MINUTE.

NAILED IT!

AH-CHOO!

OH!

HI THERE.

AND WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS."

LAST NIGHT'S PARTY WAS OFF THE HOOK.

WHAT A MESS!

UGH!

WHAT'S THIS?

OH. YEAH.

YOU FOUND MY TEETH.

NO. NO, THESE AREN'T MINE.

OHH.

WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?

MY FACE IS SO SORE.

WHAT?

WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING, MICHAEL.

N-NOTHING AT ALL.

- UH, WHO WANTS COFFEE? - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OHH.

HI. I'M WITH CITIZENS AGAINST IDENTITY THEFT.

OKAY.

AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD SIGN MY PETITION.

I JUST NEED YOUR NAME, YOUR SIGNATURE, YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS,

THE LAST FOUR DIGITS OF YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER,

YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME,

YOUR PET'S NAME, AND YOUR ATM PASSWORD.

WOW. NO, I CAN'T DO THE ATM PASSWORD.

THAT'S -- THAT'S, UH...

WELL, AREN'T YOU AGAINST IDENTITY THEFT?

I AM AGAINST IT, SO THAT'S WHY I CAN'T GIVE YOU MY PASSWORD.

BASICALLY, YOU'RE ASKING ME ALL THE SAME QUESTIONS

THAT, UM, THAT YOU WOULD NEED TO STEAL SOMEONE'S IDENTITY.

YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE.

I -- YEAH, BUT YOU -- THAT'S CRAZY.

OKAY. UM...

NO.

- YOU'RE A SWEET LADY. - YES?

BUT, I MEAN, I -- CITIZENS -- DO YOU HAVE A WEBSITE?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE SUPPORTING IDENTITY THEFT

IF YOU DON'T SIGN THIS PETITION?

I'M SUPPORTING IT IF I DON'T SIGN IT?

YEAH, BECAUSE THIS IS GONNA HELP STAMP IT OUT.

SO, IF I GET YOUR NAME, SIGNATURE, E-MAIL ADDRESS,

AND LAST FOUR DIGITS OF YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER --

GIVING YOU ALL MY PERSONAL INFORMATION

IS GOING TO STOP IDENTITY THEFT?

YES, BECAUSE IT'LL -- I WILL BE ABLE TO TURN IN THIS PETITION.

NO. NO, THAT'S CRAZY.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

AND MY MEEMAW ALWAYS TOLD ME

BE NICE TO MY ELDERS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE, YOU KNOW?

OKAY, WELL, OBVIOUSLY, YOU ARE FOR IDENTITY THEFT.

THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THAT WILL HELP ME.

- I'M NOT FOR IDENTITY THEFT. - THANK YOU SO MUCH, SIR.

NO, I PROMISE. THANK YOU, SIR.

DUDE, WE WENT TO GEORGETOWN 50 YEARS AGO.

YEAH.

WE'RE HAVING A RAGER, OKAY?

THAT'S THE INFORMATION.

YEAH. OKAY.

YEAH, OKAY.

HOTEL ROOM A BLOCK AWAY.

HERE -- HERE'S THE EXTRA KEYS FOR SOME CHICKS.

- BRING THEM, OKAY? - YES.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, WHEN WE WENT HERE, WE USED TO PARTY HARD.

YEAH. OH, YEAH.

- OKAY. ALL RIGHT. - RIGHT.

IT'S GONNA BE FREAKIN' EPIC -- EPIC.

- YEAH. EPIC? - EPIC.

HEY, THAT'S GOOD, THEN.

AND WE'RE GONNA PARTY SO HARD AND DAMAGE THE HOTEL SO MUCH,

BUT WE'RE GONNA PAY FOR IT.

WE'RE GONNA TEAR IT UP, MAN -- TEAR IT UP.

- SO, HERE. - GUYS, GUYS.

BRING MORE FRIENDS, ALL RIGHT?

I JUST INVITED THE WHOLE RESTAURANT,

AND THEY'RE ALL COMING.

YAY! YAY!

- YIPPEE! YAY! - PARTY ON!

SEE YOU THERE.

WE'LL SEE YOU THERE.

WHOO-HOO!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.

PARTY TIME -- IT'S PARTY TIME!

IN ORDER TO KEEP OUR PRANKING SKILLS SHARP,

I HAVE THE CAST TRAINING 'ROUND THE CLOCK.

- HELLO. MR. PANKY. - PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN?

HELLO.

I'M CALLING FOR MIKE.

LAST NAME IS "ROSCOPIC PENIS."

YES.

WOULD YOU PLEASE PAGE MIKE ROSCOPIC-PENIS?

YEAH.

WELL, THEN HOW ABOUT MR. JASS?

FIRST NAME -- HUGH.

THAT'S RIGHT -- HUGH JASS.

IS HE THERE?

LIGHTEN UP, ASHTON.

IT WAS A JOKE.

HE, OF ALL PEOPLE, SHOULD RESPECT THE CLASSICS.

WERE YOU WATCHED?

WHAT WAS THAT?

LET ME DO THE TALKING. WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME.

THIS IS YOUR NEW IDENTITY.

THERE'S PLANE TICKETS, PASSPORT,

SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, DRIVER'S LICENSE --

EVERYTHING YOU'RE GONNA NEED.

WE'RE GONNA RENDEZVOUS IN SWITZERLAND

AT 1700 HOURS TOMORROW AT THE USUAL SPOT.

REMEMBER... THE HAWK FLIES AT DAWN.

OKAY.

DUDE THAT THING.

I'M GETTING THE OUT OF HERE.

THAT WAS THE WEIRDEST THING EVER.

THE HAWK FLIES AT DAWN.

YOU KNOW, BETWEEN FACEBOOK, TWITTER,

PINTEREST, LinkedIn, INSTAGRAM,

I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE KEEP THEIR SOCIAL NETWORKS STRAIGHT

THESE DAYS.

LUCKILY FOR ME, I'VE GOT HELP.

HOW AM I DOING?

YOUR PHOTO JUST GOT 247 LIKES ON INSTAGRAM, BETTY.

OH, EXCELLENT.

CEE LO JUST REQUESTED YOU ON LinkedIn.

UH, MAKE HIM SWEAT IT OUT A FEW DAYS, AND THEN ADD HIM IN.

YOU JUST GOT A FACEBOOK INVITE

TO A PARTY AT ADAM LEVINE'S HOUSE.

OH, UH... I HAVEN'T A THING TO WEAR.

SO THAT'S A NO?

NO, IT'S A YES.

ADAM'S PARTY ARE SOMETIMES CLOTHING OPTIONAL.

MM.

HOW YOU DOING?

DO YOU KNOW HER?

NO. SHEILA?

LEN!

LEN.

DO YOU RECOGNIZE ME?

I DIDN'T THINK YOU...

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

WITH THE WHITE HAIR AND EVERYTHING. OH, MY.

DO YOU REMEMBER PROM?

OH, HOW CAN I FORGET?

AH!

GIRL! OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH.

IT'S GOOD SEEING YOU.

IT'S GOOD FEELING YOU.

YOU ALWAYS WERE SO BAD!

IT HAS TO BE 50 YEARS.

50 YEARS.

YOU KNOW, I LIVE RIGHT OVER HERE.

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

YOU LIVE IN THIS AREA? YEAH.

SO DO I!

YOU WANT TO GO AND...RE-CREATE PROM?

IF YOU DON'T TELL MY HUSBAND.

YEAH? OKAY. I'LL LEAVE HERE, THEN.

I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE COFFEE DRINK?

IT'S A REAL REFRESHING THING.

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD, THANKS. HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S CALLAHAN'S ICED COFFEE. PLEASE HAVE A LITTLE SIP.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME. ANY GOOD?

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S GREAT WITH IT?

DO YOU LIKE WHISKEY? YES.

- YEAH. OH, GREAT. CAN I PUT A LITTLE IN FOR YOU? - YEAH, OF COURSE.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA IRISH IT UP FOR YOU.

OKAY, GREAT. THANK YOU.

CHEERS. CHEERS.

I'M GONNA HAVE A LITTLE BIT, TOO. MM-HMM.

MMM.

MMM.

THANKS.

DID I JUST SEE YOU DRINKING ON THE JOB AGAIN?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY THIS SO MUCH.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.

NO. NO, THIS IS HIS. THIS IS HIS.

- IS THAT YOUR -- IS THAT YOUR BOTTLE? - YEAH.

IT'S YOUR BOTTLE? YES.

SEE? I TOLD YOU IT WAS HIS.

I DON'T CARE. I SAW YOU DRINKING ON THE JOB.

- OH, PLEASE. - OKAY.

GOD. YOU COME WITH ME.

- OH, GET -- YOU KNOW WHAT? - THIS IS THE LAST TIME.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! THAT --

YOU'RE FIRED. OH, FINE.

FIRE THIS!

- HI. - HI.

CAN YOU HELP ME?

I HAVE LARYNGITIS,

AND I WANT TO ASK MY ACTIVATED ASSISTANT A QUESTION.

SO, COULD YOU DO IT FOR ME?

SURE. ASK SIRI...

I HAVE A VERY LARGE RODENT IN MY BACKYARD THAT'S DEAD,

AND I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF IT.

OH, OKAY.

OKAY?

HOW DO I GET RID OF A LARGE DEAD RODENT IN MY BACKYARD?

IT'S -- IT'S A 180-POUND CORPSE.

LET ME CHECK ON THAT. OKAY.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A -- WHAT IS THAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SEARCH THE WEB FOR

"HOW DO I GET RID OF A LARGE DEAD RODENT IN MY BACKYARD?"

IT'S LIKE A SMALL PERSON.

NO. 180-POUND CORPSE.

THAT'S HEAVIER THAN ME.

180? HONEST.

I DON'T KNOW -- 190, 200. IT'S HUGE!

SEARCHING FOR

"HOW DO I GET RID OF A LARGE DEAD RODENT IN MY BACKYARD?"

SHE'S LOOKING IT UP ONLINE, SO...

THANK YOU.

IT MAY BE EASIER TO LOOK UP ANIMAL REMOVAL.

LET ME TRY ON MY PHONE. ONE SEC. OKAY.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THERE'S A WOODED AREA

ANYWHERE AROUND HERE?

- A WOODED AREA? - I LIVE CLOSE BY HERE.

A WOODED AREA? YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO DO IN A WOODED AREA?

WELL...I CAN'T TELL YOU, REALLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST --

ARE YOU SURE? JUST FORGET IT.

YEAH. THAT'S HUGE, THOUGH. WHAT IS THAT?

WELL, I REALLY CAN'T TELL YOU.

BUT IF ANYBODY ASKS, WE DID NOT HAVE THIS CONVERSATION, OKAY?

I'M SORRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, IF YOU CAN KEEP THE HEAT LOW ENOUGH,

YOU CAN BROWN BOTH SIDES OF THE OMELET WITHOUT BURNING IT.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

AND IF YOU EVER WANT ANY MORE ADVICE, I'M ALWAYS HERE.

YOU, TOO.

THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

SORRY ABOUT THAT,

BUT WHEN A PRESIDENT CALLS, YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE THE CALL.

OH.

SORRY.

HANG ON A SECOND.

HELLO?

IT'S THE DEFENSE MINISTER OF CHINA.

THIS MAY TAKE A WHILE.

HE'S KIND OF NEEDY.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

YEAH?

I HAVE TO STOP YOU FOR A FARTING VIOLATION IN THE PARK.

YOU FARTED MORE THAN FIVE TIMES A MINUTE, AND THAT'S ILLEGAL.

YOU CAN ONLY DO FIVE. YOU DID SEVEN.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, YOU WERE FARTING AS YOU CAME DOWN THE LANE.

- I WASN'T FARTING, SIR. - YES, YOU WERE.

FARTING, AS IN -- WHAT -- AS IN GAS?

YES, IN GAS.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR PANTS.

SO, WE HAD SOMEONE FOLLOWING YOU.

IT'S PROBABLY A DOG.

SOME PEOPLE -- LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE --

THIS IS HUMAN, YOU KNOW, HOMO SAPIENS.

AND...

THE OWNERS DON'T -- DON'T PICK UP THE FECES.

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW.

OH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT --

I'M GONNA LET YOU GO THIS TIME,

BUT JUST WATCH IT IN THE PARK, OKAY?

SO I CAN'T COME AND RUN?

NO, YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T FART.

OH, WHOA. OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO.

ALL RIGHT.

SIR? SIR? CAN YOU HELP ME, PLEASE?

I'M LOOKING FOR MY HUSBAND.

HE'S GOT A RED SHIRT ON AND BLACK PANTS.

HE'S A JOGGER. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM ANYWHERE?

- CAN YOU HELP ME? - I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

- ARE YOU SURE? - YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THANKS. I'LL KEEP LOOKING.

- YEAH, NO PROBLEM. - I'LL KEEP LOOKING.

EXCUSE ME.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

OH.

OH, MY.

OH, MURRAY.

NICE DAY.

I'M GOING TO FLORIDA.

OH.

FLORIDA?

FLORIDA.

OH, WHERE IN FLORIDA?

YEAH, I'M TAKING MY HUSBAND...

OH, OKAY.

...MURRAY.

HE ALWAYS WANTED TO TAKE A TRIP, BUT WE NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT.

OH, THAT'S PERFECT, THEN.

SO, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE.

MM-HMM.

MURRAY, YOU'RE SO SWEET.

I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

WHERE IN FLORIDA ARE YOU GONNA GO?

OH, I-I'M GONNA GO --

OH.

I DON'T HAVE AN ALLERGY OR SOMETHING.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

OH.

OH, I'M SO -- I'M SO SORRY.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, I'M SO SORRY.

THAT'S FINE.

OH, DEAR.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

LAST WEEK AT THE CLUB,

THIS GUY ASKED IF HE COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF ME

BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SHOW SANTA WHAT HE WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS.

MEN AND THEIR CHEESY PICKUP LINES.

I CAN TOP THAT.

THIS GUY SAYS TO ME,

"YOU MUST BE A THIEF... BECAUSE YOU'VE STOLEN MY HEART."

OHH.

LAST NIGHT AT THE CLUB, SOME GUY ASKED ME

HOW I LIKE MY EGGS DONE IN THE MORNING.

OOH.

HOW DO YOU EVEN ANSWER SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

SUNNY-SIDE UP.

HOW'S THIS, BETTY?

PERFECT.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE RAWLINS PARK IS?

NO, I JUST MOVED HERE LIKE TWO DAYS AGO. I'M SORRY.

OH. DO YOU SEE THAT -- YOU SEE THAT YELLOW ARROW?

UH-HUH. OKAY.

YOU TAKE THAT SOUTH. THAT'S NEW HAMPSHIRE, OKAY?

YOU GET TO WASHINGTON CIRCLE.

YEAH.

YOU GO AROUND WASHINGTON CIRCLE, TAKE 23rd SOUTH.

YOU KNOW HOW TO GET THERE -- TO RAWLINS PARK?

WELL, RIGHT, BUT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA ASK ME HOW TO GET THERE.

- SO, OKAY, HERE'S THE MAP. - WHY AM I GOING THERE?

WE'RE RIGHT HERE. HERE'S DUPONT CIRCLE.

HERE WE GO -- DUPONT CIRCLE. UH-HUH.

NEW HAMPSHIRE. OKAY.

23rd. AND THERE'S RAWLINS PARK.

- THERE YOU GO. - WHAT'S DOWN THERE?

OKAY. NOW YOU KNOW HOW TO GET THERE.

OUT OF THE WAY, BITCHES! YES!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

WE WANT TO MAKE A VIRAL COVER VIDEO OF PSY'S "GANGNAM STYLE,"

AND WE'RE WORKING OUT THE DANCE MOVES.

YOU WANT SOME HELP?

BETTY, WE'VE SEEN YOUR DANCE MOVES.

I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE MUCH HELP.

NOT ME -- LEARN FROM THE MASTER.

COME ON, BETTY. WE GOT THIS.

BUT THIS IS THE "GANGNAM STYLE" EXPERT.

PSY, PUT YOUR GLASSES ON.

PSY!