Original subtitles

EXCUSE ME, SIR. DO YOU NEED A PUSH?

WELL, YEAH, CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF A SHOVE?

YEAH, NO PROB.

OKAY, THERE YOU GO. OKAY.

AAH!

I JUST PUSHED AN OLD MAN THROUGH A WINDOW.

HEY!

TAKE MY PICTURE!

AAH!

OH, MY GOD!

HIT ME!

COME BACK HERE!

SAY "BIG BOOBS."

AAAAAH!

HI, THERE, AND WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS."

I'M BETTY WHITE,

MASTERMIND OF BLOWING YOUNG PEOPLE'S MINDS.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW YOU MORE,

BUT FIRST OF ALL, I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS.

SOME PUZZLES JUST ARE EASY, AND SOME ARE NOT SO EASY.

BUT IF YOU'RE PATIENT AND SMART, IT ALL COMES TOGETHER.

AHH.

THAT OUGHT TO KEEP THE PAPARAZZI OFF MY LAWN.

RIGHT?

EXCUSE ME. I'M DOING A SHORT FITNESS SURVEY.

CAN I TALK TO YOU A SECOND?

SURE. IT DOESN'T TAKE LONG, RIGHT?

NO. FIVE QUESTIONS. DO YOU WORK OUT?

YES. OKAY.

HOW OFTEN?

I TRY TO EVERY DAY UNLESS I'M NOT FEELING WELL.

DAILY, OKAY.

AND DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF FIT?

NOT RIGHT AT THE VERY SECOND, BUT NORMALLY, YEAH.

NORMALLY.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE POSITIONS IN THE BEDROOM?

MISSIONARY IS MY FAVORITE POSITION.

I'M A REVERSE-COWGIRL MYSELF.

THAT'S A SEXUAL POSITION.

YEAH.

HOW MANY POSITIONS IN THE NIGHT DO YOU DO?

YOU KNOW, NOT AS MANY AS I'D LIKE, YOU KNOW.

HOW MANY? GIVE ME A NUMBER.

FOUR OR FIVE.

WHAT ARE THEY?

USUALLY IT'S JUST ME ALONE FANTASIZING, BUT...

BUT WHEN IT'S NOT?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

NO.

IT DEPENDS ON THE FEMALE, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, I'M A SMALL GUY, SO IF SHE'S TALL,

THEN IT HAS TO BE MISSIONARY.

OR DOGGY STYLE.

IF IT'S A PETITE GIRL, THEN I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

MM, THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE THAT.

IS THAT ALL YOU WANTED TO KNOW?

THANK YOU. THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - HAVE A NICE DAY.

MY NAME IS ANN.

STEVEN. NICE TO MEET YOU.

THAT'S A GREAT SURVEY.

GENTLEMEN, CAN I HAVE YOU STEP OVER HERE FOR ME?

LISTEN, JUST DOING THIS ON MY JOB.

JUST STEP THROUGH HERE FOR ME.

REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. SENIOR VOLUNTEERS.

OKAY.

WE'RE GOOD TO GO.

THANK YOU.

AH. OKAY, LET'S --

COME ON THROUGH.

ALL RIGHT, TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU GOT SOMETHING GOING ON.

GO BACK THROUGH ONCE MORE.

GOT ANYTHING IN YOUR POCKETS?

I GOT A PHONE AND A LIGHTER.

WHAT, WHAT IF I DID HAVE SOMETHING ON ME?

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

WELL

THEN WE'D HAVE TO MAKE A CALL ON THIS.

HAVE TO PROTECT EVERYONE. YOU BACK UP. ALL RIGHT?

YOU START HERE, YOUNG MAN, IN THE HOOD.

ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON. COME ON THROUGH, YOUNG MAN.

OKAY. THEY MUST HAVE SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON.

YOU GOT LIKE A BELT BUCKLE OR SOMETHING?

WHAT'S THIS?

NOTHING?

THE GLASSES.

GLASSES, YEAH, LET'S SEE THAT.

OKAY, I'M SURE YOU'LL MAKE IT THIS TIME.

COME ON.

ONE AT A TIME.

OH

ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS NOT -- THIS IS NOT -- THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

Lou: YOU GUYS NEED TO STAY HERE.

LISTEN, I'M GONNA HAVE TO MAKE A CALL.

THERE'S ANOTHER CHECKPOINT DOWN THE STREET.

FOR WHAT?

I CAN'T WALK DOWN THE STREET?

PUBLIC SECURITY.

ALL RIGHT. HANG ON. JUST HANG ON A MINUTE.

YEAH, I GOT TWO GUYS DOWN HERE AT VANTAGE.

THEY'RE NOT RESPONDING.

BE HERE IN TWO MINUTES. OKAY.

HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?

GOOD.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW

THAT ALL THE BURGERS ON THE MENU ARE 100% ORGANIC, ANGUS BEEF,

AND ALL OUR CATTLE ARE HUMANELY RAISED AND PROCESSED,

AND PART OF A UNIQUE ORGAN-DONATION PROGRAM.

IN FACT, I'M ALIVE TODAY BECAUSE OF A COW HEART TRANSPLANT

THAT I GOT MYSELF IN 2009 -- STRONG AS A BULL.

WANT TO FEEL IT? GO AHEAD.

NO. HERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. OKAY. ENJOY.

HERE THEY ARE.

THE COMPLETE LINE OF BETTY WHITE PRODUCTS.

COOL. WHAT'S THIS?

OH, THAT'S MY ENERGY DRINK.

LEGAL IN 35 STATES.

I CALL IT WHITE LIGHTNING.

AND WHAT'S THIS?

OH, THAT'S BETTY WHITE'S BODY SPRAY FOR WOMEN.

I CALL IT WHITE NIGHTS.

AND WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS ONE?

AAH!

THAT'S PEPPER SPRAY.

I CALL IT BETTY WHITE'S PEPPER SPRAY.

DON'T LITTER, DARLING.

Man: AH.

MISS.

GET ME SOME -- TELL YOU WHAT. GET ME A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA.

YEAH, YEAH. THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

GET THIS OUT OF HERE. YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, OKAY?

EVERY NOW AND AGAIN,

THE YOUNGER GENERATION NEEDS TO BE PUT IN ITS PLACE.

OUR TEAM IS WORKING 'ROUND THE CLOCK

TO FIND YOUNG PEOPLE TO PRANK.

WHENEVER A KID WALKS ON YOUR LAWN

OR REFUSES TO GIVE UP A SEAT ON THE BUS,

WE'LL BE THERE.

YEAH, WELL, UNLESS IT'S AFTER 5:00.

THAT'S OUR BEDTIME.

LET'S SIT HERE. YOU MIND IF WE SIT DOWN ACROSS?

OKAY.

OOH, THE SUN FEELS GOOD.

OHH!

THAT REALLY LOOKS GOOD.

STEAK SANDWICH, MAN.

STEAK SANDWICH?

YEAH. IT'S MY FIRST TIME HERE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

THIS LOOKS GREAT.

LOOK AT THAT STEAK.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS GREAT.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

WHAT'S THIS?

THAT'S MY COFFEE.

YOUR COFFEE?

I DIDN'T HAVE MY COFFEE THIS MORNING.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

OH.

NO? OKAY, WE'LL JUST GET OUR OWN.

LET'S SIT WITH THIS OTHER GUY.

WELL, YOU TELL ME WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT.

JUST 'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A DATE?

WELL, MAYBE I CAN FIX THAT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S A REALLY CUTE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME.

MAYBE HE'D LIKE TO PARTY.

HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PARTY TONIGHT

WITH A COUPLE OF SENIORS?

I MEAN, REALLY, I HAVE LOTS OF BOOZE.

REALLY, AND WE CAN HAVE AN AWFULLY GOOD TIME.

MY FRIEND IS JUST A LITTLE BIT OLDER THAN ME,

BUT SHE'S REALLY CUTE.

I'M SORRY. I'M ACTUALLY MEETING FRIENDS

TO GO TO A SOCCER GAME TONIGHT.

A SOCCER GAME?

YOU KNOW, FORGET THE SOCCER GAME.

WITH US, YOU COULD SCORE.

YOU SURE?

I'M SURE. THANK YOU.

OKAY. HE'S A LITTLE UPTIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

YOU SURE?

AH, HA, HA, HA!

AHA!

50% OFF LUNCH MENU. SUSHI.

UH-HUH.

HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

ALL RIGHT.

UH, WHAT ARE YOU READING?

WHAT? I READ THAT.

YOU KNOW THEY MADE A MOVIE OUT OF IT.

- THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID. - YEAH.

THE BOOK IS BETTER THAN THE MOVIE, THOUGH.

GENERALLY IS.

YEAH, YOU KIND OF ROOT FOR THEM TO GET TOGETHER,

AND THEY...

DON'T SPOIL IT. ... KEEP GOING BACK AND FORTH.

WELL, THERE'S REALLY NOTHING TO SPOIL.

I MEAN, IT'S A SILLY ROMANTIC COMEDY.

AND YOU KNOW AT THE END THEY'RE GONNA GET TOGETHER.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST OBVIOUS.

YOU KNOW?

OKAY. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

OKAY, WELL, ENJOY YOUR BOOK.

OH, SORRY.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

WHOO-HOO!

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

WHOO-HOO!

HEY! GIVE ME MY TOP BACK!

OH! HEY!

EXCUSE ME. COULD I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

I'M NOT FROM HERE,

AND I'M LOOKING TO FIND A "PHONECY"

FOR MY GRANDSON AND I.

FIND WHERE?

A "PHONECY" FOR OVER THERE.

A PHARMACY?

NO, NOT A PHARM--

SO I CAN EAT.

YOU HAVE "PHONERS" ON YOUR SHOES.

DID YOU -- LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S OVER YOUR SHOES.

YOU HAVE SNOOK. LOOK, ALL OVER YOU HAVE SNOOK.

UM... YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

NO. WHAT?

I'M TRYING TO THINK -- PROBABLY TYLER'S.

OH.

WHAT'S THAT?

TYLER'S?

TYLER'S, YEAH, YOU JUST GO TO THE END OF --

NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED.

WHAT?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M THE OLD ONE.

YOU'RE THE YOUNG ONE. YOU CAN'T HEAR.

REATHA!

HEY, GIRLFRIEND!

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD. WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO?

OH, LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I DID. COME LOOK.

LOOK AT THIS.

NOW, THAT IS A THE BADASS TRAMP STAMP!

WHAT'D YOU DO IT FOR?

WELL, I WANTED ALL THE BOYS TO KNOW I WAS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

THAT IS SWEET!

Woman: THAT LOOKS VERY GOOD.

OH, MY GOD!

THERE'S A RACE COMING THROUGH.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

BETTY, YOU'RE DOING SO MUCH THESE DAYS.

IT IS LIKE YOU'RE EVERYWHERE.

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BETTY, BUT WE'RE OUT OF MILK.

HEY, BETTYS.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

OH, NO, BETTY. THANK YOU.

I'M FINE.

AHH.

SPIKE!

SPIKE!

COME OUT, HONEY!

UGH.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. THIS IS --

YOU NEED SOME HELP?

I'M EMBARRASSED THAT MY DOG HAS GOTTEN STUCK UP IN THERE.

- YOUR DOG IS IN THERE? - HE'S IN THERE, AND --

- HOW'D HE GET IN THERE? - I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS LOOKING AT THE VIEW, AND I TURNED AROUND,

AND THERE HE -- YOU KNOW.

YOU WANT ME TO PULL HIM OUT?

WELL, I THOUGHT MAYBE IF I GET A SODA, YOU KNOW,

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE,

AND I WAS GONNA GET A SODA,

AND THEN THAT WOULD KIND OF PUSH HIM OUT

FROM UP WHEREVER HE IS.

I PUT A COUPLE OF QUARTERS IN HERE ALREADY,

BUT I THINK IT TAKES A DOLLAR IN CHANGE.

ALL I HAVE IS A FIVE.

WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST TRY IT

WITH WHAT I PUT IN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

HERE WE GO.

AND THERE'S YOUR SODA, BUT I DON'T SEE YOUR DOG.

SPIKE? SPIKE?

ARE YOU OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE HE'S LEARNED HIS LESSON.

JUST LEAVE HIM.

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR DOG?

NO! JUST LEAVE HIM.

ARE YOU SURE?

WHOA.

OOH, OOH, COULD YOU MOVE OVER A LITTLE BIT?

I'M GETTING A LOT OF ACTION HERE.

WOW!

IF -- I THINK I GOT SOMETHING HERE.

OKAY.

AHH.

OH. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, SUCKERS, THANK YOU.

SO, IF YOU COULD JUST -- SIR, STAND RIGHT HERE.

GETTING REALLY LOW ON TIME HERE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

MIC IS GOOD.

ALL RIGHT. HOLD UP ONE SECOND, WINK.

IN 3, 2...

AND I'M WINK MARTINDALE BACK WITH $5,000

TO GIVE AWAY TO THIS VERY HANDSOME GENTLEMAN, WHO IS...?

MY NAME'S ADAM.

ADAM? WHAT DOES ADAM DO?

I AM CURRENTLY GOING TO SCHOOL.

WHERE?

I GO TO BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY.

YOU HAVE SOME GOOD FOOTBALL AND SOME GOOD BASEBALL THERE,

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

I'M A SPORTS FAN.

THANK YOU.

YOU EVER BEEN ON A GAME SHOW BEFORE?

NEVER BEEN, BUT I ENJOY IT, I CAN ASSUME.

WINK, I'M SORRY.

THEY'RE SAYING WE REALLY GOT TO MOVE THINGS ALONG.

BUT I'M JUST GETTING TO KNOW THE GUY.

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

THEY ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME,

JUST AS WE'RE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW.

JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME.

YOU GOT TO HURRY UP.

YOU GOT TO HURRY UP, WINK.

ONE MORE QUICK THING --

MARRIAGE IN THE FUTURE FOR YOU?

OH, IN THE FUTURE, YES.

ANYBODY IN MIND OR...?

NO ONE IN MIND RIGHT NOW, NO.

WELL, GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

THANK YOU. THAT MEANS A LOT.

ALL RIGHT, ONE QUESTION FOR FIVE THOUSAND DOL--

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. THEY CUT IT.

WE'RE OUT OF TIME.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU. LISTEN, I'M NOT --

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT I'M GONNA DO CONTINUOUSLY.

COME ON, WINK.

UGH.

SIT DOWN AND REST.

YEAH, SURE.

THIS IS THE BEST SUSHI IN THE WHOLE AREA.

REALLY?

IT IS INCREDIBLY FRESH,

LIKE JUST -- JUST CAUGHT, YOU KNOW, REALLY FRESH.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I FORGOT TO GET CHOPSTICKS.

CAN YOU KEEP AN EYE ON IT?

I'M JUST GONNA RUN AND GET SOME CHOPSTICKS.

YEAH, DON'T LET ANYBODY TAKE IT.

OKAY.

AND DON'T EAT ANY.

Man: AND NOW, THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT BETTY WHITE.

I WAS ONCE ASKED TO POSE FOR PLAYBOY.

BUT OF COURSE I TURNED IT DOWN

AFTER HUSTLER OFFERED ME MORE MONEY.

WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW FOR TONIGHT.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.