Original subtitles

THIS IS REALLY NICE OUT HERE. I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.

IT'S PRETTY.

IT'S PRETTY, YEAH. IT'S FUN.

I HAD -- I'VE HAD A BAD TIME AND...

I NEEDED TO BE OUT HERE.

MY HUSBAND DIED.

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

I'M SO SORRY.

WOULD YOU GUYS CONSIDER HELPING ME WITH HIS LAST REQUEST?

YOU SEE...

THIS IS HAROLD,

AND HE ALWAYS DID WANT TO BE WITH TWO YOUNGER WOMEN.

NO, REALLY.

THIS IS -- THIS IS WHAT HE ALWAYS WANTED.

UM...

GOODBYE, HAROLD.

HEY!

TAKE MY PICTURE!

AH!

OH, MY GOD!

HIT ME!

COME BACK HERE!

SAY "BIG BOOBS."

AAAAAH!

HI, THERE, AND WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS,"

WHERE ME AND MY PEEPS GET ALL UP IN YOUR POSSE'S GRILL.

RIGHT NOW, I'M JUST GONNA RELAX AND HOPE FOR A HAPPY ENDING...

TO OUR SHOW.

A HAPPY ENDING TO OUR SHOW.

YOU, WATCH THIS.

AND, YOU, KEEP RUBBING.

I'M NOT HAPPY YET.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. WE HAVE PEPPERONI PIZZA TODAY.

IT'S REALLY VERY DELICIOUS.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT, REALLY. IT'S VERY GOOD.

SURE.

IT'S IN THE FROZEN SECTION.

MMM. OH, YEAH. THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

REALLY GOOD.

YOU'LL LOVE IT. MMM.

WELL, HERE, LET ME MAKE ANOTHER ONE,

AND WE'LL SEE -- HERE, LET ME SEE...

MMM.

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S -- THAT'S EVEN BETTER.

YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING ON TOP OF IT.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PARMESAN.

OH.

BUT IT'S GOOD, REALLY! SEE, WATCH.

THAT'S OKAY.

YOU SURE?

IT'S DELICIOUS!

YOU WANT TO TRY?

EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW IF THE TRAINS ARE RUNNING ON TIME?

UM, I THINK AS FAR AS I KNOW.

THERE SHOULD BE A -- I THINK THERE'S A BOARD,

LIKE AN ELECTRONIC BOARD OVER THERE THAT TELLS PEOPLE.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

OH, WOW.

YEAH, I'LL GO CHECK THAT OUT IN A MINUTE.

YEP.

AH.

I'M GONNA VISIT MY BROTHER.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

POOR GUY -- HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL.

SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

YEAH.

ACTUALLY, I'M -- I'M -- I'M BRINGING HIM ONE OF MY KIDNEYS.

OH, GEEZ.

YEAH.

I'M GONNA SURPRISE HIM WITH IT, YEAH.

HE'S BEEN -- HE'S BEEN AFTER ME FOR YEARS

TO GIVE HIM ONE OF MY KIDNEYS,

SO I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO HIM, YOU KNOW?

YOU WANT TO SEE IT?

NO.

UH-OH, I'M LOSING MY ICE.

WOULD YOU WATCH IT FOR ME? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HI, GUYS. HELLO.

I'M ANNIE. MM-HMM.

WHO WANTS TO GET LAID?

- HELL, NO KIDDING. - I'M ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

- ARE YOU SURE? - YES, I'M FINE.

OH, I'M NOT KIDDING.

LISTEN, IF YOU REALLY -- IF YOU COULD BE INTERESTED,

I'M GONNA TAKE A 10-MINUTE BREAK,

AND I'LL BE BEHIND THAT HOUSE OVER THERE.

REALLY, THERE'S A SHACK. YEAH, I'M SERIOUS. NO KIDDING.

I DON'T DO THIS. I THINK YOU'RE REALLY CUTE.

YOU'RE REALLY DARLING, AND I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO DO THIS.

MEET ME BACK THERE, OKAY? I'M NOT KIDDING. SEE YA.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, DUDE?

WHAT IS GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW.

IS THIS A LITTLE WEIRD?

BEYOND WEIRD.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR YEARS.

WHEN ONE HAS A BUSY SCHEDULE LIKE MINE,

YOU HAVE TO COME UP WITH TRICKS

TO HELP YOU KEEP TRACK OF YOUR DAILY RESPONSIBILITIES.

MY SYSTEM IS SIMPLE.

I PUT THESE HELPFUL LITTLE STICKY NOTES

ON ALL MY TROPHIES.

UM...

"DON'T FORGET -- CHARITY EVENT FOR ANIMAL SHELTER TONIGHT."

OKAY. GOT IT.

UH...

"DON'T FORGET -- PROOFREAD OBAMA'S SPEECH ON THE ECONOMY.

HE NEEDS NOTES BY MIDNIGHT."

WILL DO.

"DON'T FORGET -- FEED THE TROPHIES."

OH, OF COURSE. OH, HERE WE ARE.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE YOU GO.

AWW, GOOD TROPHY.

GOOD BOY.

YES!

OH, I LOVE READING ALL THE COMMENTS ON OUR WEBSITE

FROM FANS OF THIS SHOW.

LOGAN FROM TEXAS --

"WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU TURN THE TABLES

AND HAVE THE YOUNG PEOPLE PRANK THE OLD FOLKS?"

SORRY, LOGAN. THAT IDEA REALLY STINKS.

BESIDES, IT'S ILLEGAL IN 38 STATES.

AND FINALLY, RAMONE FROM TEXAS...

SORRY, RAMONE.

WHAT YOU'RE SUGGESTING IS ALSO ILLEGAL IN 38 STATES.

CALL ME LATER.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY NICE. DO THEY DO THIS EVERY DAY?

EVERY WEDNESDAY.

EVERY WEDNESDAY?

MY WIFE AND I JUST MOVED HERE. CAN YOU RECOMMEND A RESTAURANT?

I WAS HOPING THAT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE SOMETHING WE COULD...

DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STOP FLIRTING WITH GIRLS?

- I'M NOT FLIRTING. WAS I FLIRTING? - HE WASN'T FLIRTING.

HE WAS JUST ASKING ME FOR A GOOD RESTAURANT FOR YOU GUYS.

I WASN'T FLIRTING. HE WASN'T FLIRTING.

I'M SICK OF THIS! I AM JUST SICK OF THIS!

DANG!

I'M TIRED OF TELLING YOU TO STOP! I'M SICK OF YOU!

I'M JUST SICK OF YOU! I'M TIRED OF IT!

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

OH, EXCUSE--EXCUSE ME.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

HEY, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

I'M IN A HOTEL RIGHT DOWN ON THE CORNER HERE.

OKAY.

- AND I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY LIKE YOU, OKAY? - YEAH.

I'M FREE AT 5:30. MY ROOM NUMBER'S 357.

UH, I DON'T THINK SO.

I CAN'T BE THERE AT 5:30. I HAVE SOME OTHER PLANS.

WELL, WHAT TIME?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, 5:30 -- IT'S JUST ONE TIME. GIVE ME ANOTHER TIME.

WELL, I'M BUSY ALL NIGHT 'CAUSE I'M IN A FRATERNITY

AND WE HAVE DINNER AND THEN WE HAVE STUDY HALL.

I HAD THE BEST TIME AT A FRATERNITY LAST --

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

TELL ME WHEN YOU CAN MEET ME.

UH...I'M REALLY SORRY.

I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY TIME.

YOU DON'T HAVE -- ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE MISSING THE BEST EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE.

I'M TELLING YOU THAT RIGHT NOW. BUT YOU'VE GOT THE FACE FOR IT.

EXCUSE ME.

I HAVE A TIGER OUT OF ITS ENCLOSURE.

- WHAT'S THAT? - I HAVE A TIGER OUT OF ITS ENCLOSURE OVER THERE.

HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - YEAH, I'M SERIOUS.

NO?

NO. NO.

HI, GIRLS.

MY PHONE DIED, AND I NEED TO MAKE AN URGENT CALL.

DO YOU HAVE A PHONE I CAN BORROW?

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. UH -- JUST TAKE A SECOND.

OH, BONJOUR, FRANCOIS.

CAN YOU HEAR ME? YES, IT'S ME!

OH, THE WEATHER'S BEAUTIFUL HERE.

IT'S A LITTLE CHILLY TODAY, BUT IT'LL WARM UP.

YES.

HOW IS IT IN PARIS? OH.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M COMING IN JUNE.

THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU.

I GOT MY TICKETS TODAY.

YES, YES.

IS MY ROOM READY?

I KNOW YOU'RE REDECORATING.

HOW DOES IT LOOK?

OH, I LOVE YOUR TASTE.

YES.

I'M SORRY, MA'AM. WE HAVE TO GET GOING.

- ARE THE TULIPS IN BLOOM? - WE HAVE TO GET GOING.

I'M SORRY. REALLY?

- YEAH. - I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

UH, YES. YES.

HOW'S ANNIESSE AND THE KIDS?

GIVE THEM MY LOVE.

OH, I GOT YOUR RECIPE. IT WAS TERRIFIC!

SORRY, MA'AM. WE HAVE TO GO.

OH. REALLY?

NO, I WILL. I'LL TRY IT WITH CHICKEN. YES.

- I'M SORRY. - NO, NO, WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO.

- REALLY? - GIVE US THE PHONE, PLEASE. THANK YOU.

- NO, I -- YES. - CAN YOU GIVE US THE PHONE?

YES, OF COURSE. YES --

MA'AM, GIVE US THE PHONE NOW OR WE'RE GONNA GO GET SOMEONE.

NO, I'LL BE OFF IN A SECOND.

WE'RE GONNA GO GET SOMEONE

IF YOU DON'T GIVE US THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.

NOW. YES. YOU KNOW, UH -- YES.

MA'AM, GIVE US THE PHONE.

I GUESS I GOT TO GO. BONJOUR! BYE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLE AND VERY RUDE.

HMM.

OH, BOY.

OH, MAN.

HI.

IT'S HOT AS HELL.

I FEEL LIKE I'M SWEATING MY OFF.

I SWEAR.

GO JUMP IN THE WATER. THAT COOLS YOU DOWN.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. I'M GONNA GO JUMP IN THE WATER.

IT'LL COOL YOU DOWN.

I'M GONNA TAKE OFF THESE DAMN HOSE.

YEAH, AND I'M GONNA JUMP IN THE WATER.

WELL, MS. WHITE,

I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR PUTTING MY MOM ON YOUR SHOW.

OH, ROB, IT WAS MY PLEASURE.

SHE WAS TERRIFIC.

SHE HAD A BLAST SCARING YOUNG PEOPLE.

SHE DID.

BUT SHE WASN'T THE ONLY SCHNEIDER

WHO AUDITIONED FOR THE ROLE.

YEAH.

WELL, I WAS WONDERING, YOU KNOW...

WELL...

I GET IT.

YOU KNOW... I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH.

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T GET THE JOB, RIGHT?

OH, SURE.

WE'LL GO WITH THAT.

UH, EXCUSE ME, YOUNG MAN.

YES, SIR.

I HAD BEEN ADMIRING YOUR PANTS,

AND I SEE THAT YOU'RE A SKATEBOARDER, CORRECT?

YES, SIR. YES.

HAVE YOU BEEN SKATEBOARDING WITH THESE PANTS?

YES.

I WOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE THOSE PANTS.

YAMA, WRITE HIM A CHECK FOR $500.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR PANTS LIKE THAT --

OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU FOR HOW LONG.

$500 IS AGREEABLE, CORRECT?

- YEAH, SURE. - OKAY. GOOD.

YEAH, THEY'RE ALL YOURS.

THANK YOU.

LET'S HAVE THOSE PANTS.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. WELL, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

OKAY.

CAN I HAVE THE CHECK?

ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME THE PANTS?

OH, YEAH.

OKAY, LET'S GO.

- THERE IT IS. - WAIT, NO, I WANT --

I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME THE PANTS.

OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

- WAIT A MINUTE. - LOOK OVER THERE.

OH, YEAH. MUCH BETTER.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I SEE A BETTER PAIR OF PANTS RIGHT OVER THERE.

EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU BUSY?

UH, NOT SO BUSY. WHY? WHAT'S UP?

- OKAY, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TEXT? - I DO, YEAH.

WOULD YOU TEXT MY WIFE? I ALREADY GOT IT DIALED UP. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

- OH, OKAY. - OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO TELL HER?

JUST TELL HER "I'VE HAD A WOODY FOR FIVE HOURS NOW,

AND I'M GOING TO THE DOCTOR."

REALLY. FOR SERIOUS?

YEAH. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

SENT?

JUST A SECOND. LET ME GET A PERIOD ON THERE.

SEND.

OKAY. HEY, THANKS A LOT.

YEAH.

HELLO.

EXCUSE ME, WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE ARGUMENT RIGHT NOW,

AND I'D LIKE YOU TO TRY TO ANSWER WHAT WE'RE ARGUING.

IF IT WAS UP TO YOU, WHICH ONE WOULD YOU DO?

HER OR ME?

OH.

♪ SO MUCH FIGHTING AND FUSSING ♪

♪ BETWEEN US ♪

♪ LET'S PUT IT ASIDE FOR TONIGHT ♪

♪ SO STRIP DOWN, THROW YOUR PANTIES IN THE AIR ♪

♪ LOOSEN UP AND WAVE YOUR UNDERWEAR ♪

♪ YOU GOT A MAN, WELL, I REALLY DON'T CARE ♪

♪ WE'RE TRYING TO SEE SOME NAKED GIRLS IN HERE ♪

♪ I CAN GO ALL NIGHT, I SWEAR ♪

EXCUSE ME.

I'M LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEAUTIFUL BABIES OR CUTE BABIES

FOR A COMMERCIAL.

ARE YOU INTERESTED?

WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO? HOW FAR DO WE HAVE TO GO?

OH, NOT FAR.

CAN I SEE YOUR BABY? IS IT ALL RIGHT?

OH, WELL, NEVER MIND.

BUT IF YOU DO KNOW ANYBODY, JUST HAVE THEM FILL THAT OUT.

NEVER MIND.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?

OH, I WAS BENDING DOWN TO PICK UP A PENNY, A LUCKY PENNY,

AND THIS GUY JUST CAME AND -- LOOK WHAT HE DID.

HELL, NO. YEAH.

HELL, NO.

- BUT, HEY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? - WHAT?

DO YOU KNOW ANY GOOD PLACES TO EAT AROUND HERE?

TO EAT? YEAH.

I JUST MOVED HERE LIKE TWO MONTHS AGO.

BUT, HEY, YOU'RE AT THE PIKE RIGHT HERE.

WELL SHARKY'S, WHICH IS RIGHT HERE -- GOOD MEXICAN FOOD.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE IF YOU WANT --

WHAT'S UP, BOYEE!

UM, DUDE, SERIOUSLY, LIKE, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED RIGHT HERE?

I WAS --

DO YOU NEED ME TO PULL -- LIKE, PULL YOUR TIE OUT?

YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I MEAN, I'LL RIP IT.

I MEAN -- DUDE, THIS GUY'S GOT HIS TIE UNDER THE TIRE.

DO YOU WANT ME TO PULL IT OUT?

IT WON'T COME. IT'S OKAY.

HEY, I THINK WE RIP THAT

NO, NO, NO. IT'S MY LUCKY TIE.

I'LL JUST WAIT. I'LL JUST WAIT.

UH-OH.

EXCUSE ME. CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

YEAH.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE SOME GOOD RESTAURANTS ARE?

ARE YOU OKAY?

I THINK I'M OKAY.

I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHERE SOME GOOD RESTAURANTS ARE.

OH, I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW, SWEETHEART.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T NEED ANY HELP?

YOU CAN'T LOOSEN IT?

NO, I'M FINE. I MEAN -- OKAY, THEN.

THANKS.

MAN, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. LIKE, SERIOUSLY, HE NEVER CALLS.

HE NEVER TEXTS ME.

EVERY TIME WE -- EVERY TIME -- EVERY TIME WE GO TO DINNER,

IT'S THE EXACT SAME PLACE.

AND I JUST, LIKE -- I'M SO SICK OF IT.

I CAN'T -- I CAN'T EVEN -- I CAN'T EVEN DO IT ANYMORE.

IT'S JUST SO -- IT'S --

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

WHAT?!

BEFORE WE SAY GOODNIGHT,

IT'S TIME FOR SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL

"BETTY WHITE'S PEARLS OF WISDOM."

IT'S WHERE I SHARE BITS OF IMPORTANT INFORMATION

WITH YOU, OUR HOME VIEWER, COMPLETELY FREE OF CHARGE.

AND NOW HERE IT IS -- MY PERSONAL MOTTO.

"DON'T TASE ME, BRO!"

WORDS TO LIVE BY.

WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.