Original subtitles

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

WOULD YOU JUST HOLD THAT UP,

JUST IF YOU WOULD, JUST TO SEE IF I COULD...

TO MYSELF?

THANK YOU, DEAR.

WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

IT'S A GREAT COLOR.

FOR YOU?

YEAH, BUT I DON'T LIKE THE SLEEVES.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS HE DOING?

I LIKE SHORT SLEEVES.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW?

I WAS GONNA SAY, THE WEATHER CHANGING AND ALL.

WEATHER CHANGE AND ALL, YOU KNOW? WOW.

THAT'S BETTER. YEAH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? YEAH.

I DON'T LIKE THE...

I DON'T LIKE THE, YOU KNOW, JUST --

NOW IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD WEAR.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A SHABBY-CHIC THING?

YEAH.

NO, I THINK I CHANGED MY MIND.

I APPRECIATE IT, THOUGH. THANKS A LOT.

NO PROBLEM.

THIS MAN JUST CUT UP A SHIRT.

HEY!

TAKE MY PICTURE!

OH, MY GOD!

HIT ME!

COME BACK HERE!

SAY "BIG BOOBS."

AAAAAH!

WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS,"

THE HIDDEN-CAMERA SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN.

BACK IN 1972, WE BURIED A TIME CAPSULE.

LET'S SEE HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

OH, LOU, YOUR TIE-DYED T-SHIRT!

OH, I REMEMBER THAT CONCERT.

I DON'T.

AND -- AND A BURNED BRA.

THIS JUST MIGHT BE MINE.

I THINK IT'S MINE.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS MINE.

REMEMBER?

OH, WHOA.

THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE 1972.

IT'S BREAST AWARENESS WEEK.

GREAT. SO...

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

BREAST AWARENESS WEEK.

WON'T YOU DONATE? OH, THANK YOU.

- BREAST AWARENESS! - OH, NO!

THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD!

THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU!

YES!

HERE, BIRDIE, BIRDIE.

HERE, BIRDIE, BIRDIE.

BIRDIE!

ARE THERE ANY BIRDIES HERE?

ANYONE SITTING HERE?

NO. GO FOR IT. YOU ARE.

ALL RIGHT. RIGHT, RIGHT.

RIGHT IN THE SUN.

THAT LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

THANK YOU.

IS THAT, UH, RED LEAF?

EXCUSE ME, SIR?

MMM.

I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE STEAK.

IT'S MY MEAL. I PAID FOR IT.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

I STILL WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A STEAK,

BUT THANKS ANYWAY.

YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.

HOW WE DOING, LADIES?

THIS IS GONNA KEEP MY HEAD NICE AND WARM.

AND THESE ARE GONNA KEEP MY HANDS NICE AND WARM.

AND THIS IS GONNA KEEP MY WEEKENDS NICE AND HOT.

OH, GOOD. THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, THE PARTY I WENT TO LAST NIGHT -- IT WAS SO RAD.

TOTALLY.

OH, LIKE, UM, YOU AND TYLER -- ARE YOU TWO STILL TIGHT?

NO, GIRL.

HE FREAKED OUT WHEN I PIERCED MY HOO-HOO.

GIRL, I DIDN'T --

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU PINNED YOUR HEYNANNY.

OH, WELL, YES, KIND OF GNARLY

BUT IT'S TOTALLY PORNALICIOUS.

OHH.

LET'S BOUNCE.

OH! LET'S DO IT.

UH, SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR BETTY WHITE?

I'M BETTY WHITE.

HOW DO I KNOW FOR SURE?

HAVE YOU LIVED IN A CAVE FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS?

LIKE, SINCE 1952?

EVERYONE KNOWS ME.

I'M SICK OF ME.

WHAT CHARACTER DID YOU PLAY

ON "THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW"?

THE HAPPY HOMEMAKER, SUE ANN NIVENS.

AND WHO WERE YOU IN "THE GOLDEN GIRLS"?

SWEET, CLUELESS ROSE NYLUND.

MM-HMM. AND HOW OLD ARE YOU?

BITE ME.

CONFIRMED.

SIGN RIGHT HERE, MISS WHITE.

THERE YOU GO.

OKAY. SEE YOU TOMORROW, FRED.

OKAY.

THEY'RE OFF! OH, THIS IS --

AND THE PINK ONE IS IN THE FIRST LANE...OH, THERE SHE GOES.

- ...AND THE GREEN ONE IS IN THE SECOND ONE. - THERE THEY GO.

AND THEY'RE MOVING!

AND THEY'RE STRIDE FOR STRIDE!

PINK AND GREEN. GREEN AND PINK.

AND IT'S DONE, FOLKS! THIS RACE IS OVER!

OH, MY GOD.

EXCUSE ME. SORRY.

M-MY EX IS OVER THERE, AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO SEE ME.

OKAY.

- COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR? - MM-HMM.

C-CAN I SORT OF --

COULD YOU PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME SO I CAN...

NO.

REALLY, JUST...

CAN YOU -- CAN YOU JUST COME A LITTLE CLOSER?

NO.

RIGHT. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. OKAY, BYE.

OH, MY GOD, HERE HE COMES. OH, PLEASE.

JUST TURN YOUR BACK AND BLOCK HIM.

JUST TURN TOWARD ME. THANK YOU.

JUST PUT YOUR...

JUST -- CAN YOU JUST TAKE YOUR HAND -- PUT...

OH, MY GOD, HERE HE COMES.

UH-HUH.

OH, MY GOD.

MY GOD. IS HE GONE?

I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE...

THAT GUY, THAT GUY.

OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU KIDDING?

THAT'S NOT HIM.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE A SWEETHEART.

THANKS FOR THE CUDDLE.

I HAVEN'T CUDDLED LIKE THAT SINCE THE '70s!

THANK YOU.

ANYTIME.

MISS...

THIS IS A NO-CELL-PHONE ZONE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA HAVE TO HAVE THAT PHONE.

SORRY?

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CONFISCATE YOUR TELEPHONE. WHY?

THERE'S A SIGN RIGHT OVER THERE.

IT SAYS, "NO CELL PHONES."

THERE'S A SIGN OVER THERE, "NO CELL PHONES."

WHERE? I'M SORRY.

WHERE DOES IT SAY "NO CELL PHONES"?

THERE'S A SIGN -- ALL OVER THE PLACE.

CAN I SEE IT, THEN?

M-MISS? PLEASE.

I'D LIKE TO SEE IT FIRST.

STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.

- REQUESTING BACKUP. - THERE'S SOMEONE RIGHT THERE.

I HAVE A HOSTILE CELL PHONE USER.

THERE'S SOMEONE RIGHT THERE.

- Copy that. Backup on the way. - THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

YOU SEE THIS?

THERE'S A FINE. JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

HEY, BIG LARD-ASS!

YOU SAY SOMETHING TO ME?

NOT ME.

DID YOU HEAR HIM SAY SOMETHING TO ME?

NO ENGLISH.

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO YOU, DUDE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHAT?

I'M GOING OVER HERE. I'LL BE BACK.

ALL RIGHT?

ASS-WIPE!

LET'S GO.

ANN, MORE TEA?

THANK YOU, BETTY. I'M FINE.

SHEILA, HOW ABOUT -- OR SHOULD I SAY "BIRTHDAY GIRL"?

THANK YOU. I'M GOOD.

OH, I THINK YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT HAS ARRIVED.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, IT'S THE POLICE. WHAT HAVE WE DONE?

AFTERNOON, MA'AM.

I'M HERE TO INFORM YOU ABOUT A POSSIBLE INFRACTION.

OH, OF COURSE, OFFICER. WE'VE BEEN BAD.

I'LL START THE MUSIC.

YOU HANDCUFF THE BIRTHDAY GIRL.

WHAT?! UH...

MA'AM, I'M HERE ABOUT YOUR HEDGES.

THEY'RE TOO HIGH.

IF YOU DON'T FIX IT, IT'S A $500 FINE.

OH.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

OH. THANK YOU, OFFICERS.

THIS GUY'S NOT WITH ME.

OH.

OH!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SHEILA!

BRING IT, TUBBY.

COULD WE HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, DEAR?

COULD WE HAVE A MINUTE OF YOUR TIME?

COULD WE TALK TO YOU A MINUTE?

WE HAVE A QUESTION WE'D LIKE --

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? MICHELLE.

MICHELLE.

THIS IS MY WIFE.

HI! HI, I'M PEG, DEAR.

YOU HAVE A VERY SWEET NAME. HI!

ARE YOU MARRIED? NO.

WE HAVE A PROPOSITION.

WE HAVE A SON. HE'S VERY SHY.

BUT, HOPEFULLY, YOU KNOW, LIKE IN THE OLD COUNTRY,

WE'D LOVE TO SEE HIM GET MARRIED. OH, OKAY.

WE APPROVE OF YOU, DEAR, AND WE WOULD LOVE YOU --

IF YOU COULD INTRODUCE US TO YOUR PARENTS

AND GET THIS, YOU KNOW, MARRIAGE STARTED.

YOUR PARENTS WOULD PROBABLY UNDERSTAND.

DO YOU KNOW ME?

NO, BUT WE HOPE TO GET TO KNOW YOU.

- IT'S AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE, DEAR. - AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

OH. WHEN CAN WE SPEAK TO YOUR PARENTS?

UM, I-I DON'T KNOW.

YOU LOOK LIKE GOOD BREEDING STOCK.

YES, YES! OH!

THAT'S IMPORTANT FOR GRANDPARENTS.

HAVE A COUPLE CUTE LITTLE BABIES.

YOU KNOW, TO HAVE CHILDREN. THAT'S IMPORTANT.

OKAY. UM, WELL, I DON'T --

WE WANT 13 GRANDCHILDREN.

OH, WOW. THAT'S A LOT.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. UM, I'D HAVE TO SEE.

SORRY. YOU KNOW, WE'RE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING HERE.

- YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK? - YEAH, I DO HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

NO, NO, THAT'S OKAY.

THANK YOU ANYWAY. THANK YOU.

WHAT THE IS GOING ON HERE?

EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU HOLD THIS FOR ME?

WILL YOU HOLD THAT? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NOW, THIS IS A DIRTY MARTINI.

MARTINI? YEAH.

IT'S ONLY $11.

IF YOU GIVE ME SOME I.D., IT'S ALL YOURS.

OKAY?

- HOLD THIS. - OKAY.

WHERE YOU COMING FROM? HUH?

I'M COMING FROM THE BAR DOWN THE STREET.

OH, THE BARTENDER?

YEAH. YOU HAVE SOME I.D.?

OF COURSE.

OKAY.

WHAT'S THE BASE? IS IT VODKA OR GIN?

IT'S VODKA.

OH.

- ENJOY THIS, SIR, PLEASE. - THANK YOU.

THERE YOU GO.

OH, EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, SIR.

COULD YOU WAIT ON ME? MY HUSBAND'S WAITING IN THE CAR.

I'D LIKE TO GET THIS PRODUCT HERE.

IT'S $12.95,

BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD GIVE IT TO ME FOR $3.95.

NO.

HOW ABOUT $4.95?

I CAN'T.

$5? THAT'S MY LIMIT.

I CAN'T. SORRY.

I'LL BUY MY STUFF SOMEPLACE ELSE.

OH.

OH, GOD.

HELLO?

OH! HI, HELEN.

LOUD MUSIC?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

"DARN KIDS" IS RIGHT!

IF I HEAR ANY LOUD ANYTHING,

I'LL WALK RIGHT OVER THERE MYSELF.

ALL RIGHT, DEAR, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

OKAY, GUYS. 1...2...3.

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TEXT?

MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

CAN YOU HELP ME?

OKAY.

IT'S TO CINDY.

UH-HUH? OKAY?

CAN YOU TYPE THIS FOR ME?

"CUTE PICTURE."

IT JUST WORKS JUST LIKE A KEYBOARD.

OH. "BUT...

THAT'S NOT MY BABY."

"IT'S NOT EVEN ASIAN."

CAN YOU SEND IT?

AND SENDING.

THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

- MM-HMM. - CHICKS ARE CRAZY.

YEAH, PEG, THAT GUY THAT I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT,

THAT I MET ONLINE --

HE'S DUE UP HERE SOON,

AND I HOPE HE'S AS CUTE AS HE WAS ONLINE,

BECAUSE IT'LL BE A LONG AFTERNOON IF THAT'S THE CASE.

I HOPE HE DOESN'T TALK A LOT,

BECAUSE I LIKE TO GO STRAIGHT TO IT, KIDDO.

LISTEN, LISTEN, I CAN'T TALK LONG.

UM --JOAN?

- YEAH? HI. - HOW YOU DOING?

- ARE YOU KEVIN? - YEAH.

HI, KEVIN. HOW YOU DOING?

OH, I'M DOING WELL.

GOOD.

I KNOW WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO FOR A BITE,

BUT HOW ABOUT LET'S GO INTO MY PLACE FIRST, OKAY?

YEAH, YOU GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

EXCUSE ME. COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR, PLEASE?

IT JUST TAKES A SECOND.

I GOT A BAD BACK, AND I CAN'T BEND.

I WANT TO SECURE MY CAR. ALL I NEED YOU TO -- OW.

ALL I NEED YOU TO DO IS TAKE THIS TAPE

AND -- AND -- AND TAPE IT ALL AROUND THE CAR.

COME ON, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

I GOT A BAD BACK.

I CAN'T BEND DOWN TOO GOOD.

I'M GONNA DO THE TOP PART. GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.

I'LL DO THE TOP PART. SEE? LOOK.

I WANT TO MAKE IT SECURE,

'CAUSE I HEARD THIS IS NOT A GREAT NEIGHBORHOOD.

COME ON, KEEP GOING.

GO AHEAD. GO, GO, GO, GO. GO AROUND.

AROUND. AROUND. ALMOST DONE.

I BETTER NOT GET ARRESTED FOR THIS.

HOW COULD YOU GET ARRESTED?

I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON, KEEP GOING.

OH, NO, AROUND ANOTHER TIME. ONE MORE TIME.

LOOK, I'M DOING THE TOP.

I CAN'T -- SEE, I CAN'T BEND, BUT I CAN DO THE TOP.

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT PROGRAMS

TO HELP PEOPLE MY AGE GET AROUND THESE DAYS.

MY FAVORITE IS ONE CALLED SENIOR RIDE-ALONG.

THEY PICK ME UP AND TAKE ME WHEREVER I WANT TO GO,

ANYTIME I NEED THEM.

OH! HERE COMES MY RIDE NOW.

READY TO ROLL?

OH, COME ON, BUBBA, YOU KNOW THE DRILL!

THAT'S RIGHT, BIG MAMA HANDLES THE HOG.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO HANG ON.

I GOT PLACES TO BE.