Original subtitles

You have made a lovely job of that ceiling, love.

Lavender, is it?

No, lorich.

Ah. The milkman said he was going to have his done the same colour.

Ah. What seems to be the trouble?

Well, Doctor, to tell you the truth, I'm a compulsive liar.

I find that hard to believe.

Take the baby, I'll take the egg. Oh, all right.

Otherwise, you'll drop them.

All right, Ted, I'll leave you here, all right.

Well, uh, how are we?

Not too bad, Doctor, for 92, eh?

Of course, I have to get up a lot in the night to go and...

Of a tinkle, you know.

At your age, that's only to be expected.

He don't bother me.

You know, cos he... God always turns the light on for me.

And when I've finished, God turns the light out.

Mrs Tibbs? Yes?

Has he, um... Has he gone religious?

He says when he gets up at night to go to the, um... God turns the light on for

him. And when he's finished...

God turns the light out.

Oh, Lord.

You've been doing it in the fridge again, haven't you?

It's jolly nice to be here. Where have you been then?

I've been up to London, I have. Oh, there's a lot of clever dicks in London.

Do you know what?

They put helium in their fertilizer.

What they do that for?

Well, you see, comes the hot and when the leaves falls off the trees, they

upwards.

You know that? You sweep them up.

Oh, and I tell you, talking about floating upwards, do you know what?

They're so worried about the ozone layer up in London, do you know what they do?

They don't use floy spray no more.

What do they do then? They spray them with perfume.

Well, does that kill them then? No, it don't kill them, but it makes them feel

sexy and you can swat on two at a time.

Oh, Flo

from Fulham went to see her padre and said, a young man has just moved

in next door to me.

He kissed me and caressed me, and now I feel that I should confess that I need

him constantly.

Now the part they said, well, if this need is honest and true, then it is a

that you should be enjoying.

She said, I don't mean to say that I need him that way. What I mean is I need

him in the groin.

In Brisbane, I met Mrs. Tibbs.

She got 27 kids. I love kids, said her husband with a smile.

I said, I think you go too far. I mean, I love a good cigar, but at least I take

it out once in a while.

And let's slaughter our Stacey. She is a perfect lady.

Goes down to the harbour when she wants to stick.

Well, see, by yet, core, I saw her write a check for...

60 ,000 quid, then light her fag with it.

Yes, dear old Peggy Sue, wet a bloke of 92, the old boy died of ecstasy, he did.

It took the undertaker seven days to wipe the smile from off his face and

another two to close the coffin lid.

Do that. Oh, I would have liked one of them pork pies.

You can have one after you tell us a story.

Oh, all right then.

Said a chicken in a library,

boop, boop, boop.

The librarian gave her three, boop, boop, boop. And so the chicken

plucked off home with two mils and boon and one defriata.

Cha, cha, cha.

The next day she went back for eight, boop, boop, boop. The librarian followed

her to take a look, look, look.

And he found her on a log with a frog.

Who was saying, ready, ready, ready, ready, let the blooming log.

You naughty man.

You calling me?

Your name, exquisite creature. I beg you, tell me your name.

They call me Miss Butterfly.

I say, Mrs.

Buttercup, lift your left buttock up. You're sitting on a hot point.

I'm high and inure. I'm solid and pure. The kind that the gentry prefer.

I wear satin and lace. I walk with easy grace. Easy grace ain't as easy as

a... I dress with good taste.

I've always been cheap.

And most of the time she's been caught.

Because she don't like to sell herself short.

She went with our local mare to see the grizzly bear at that big zoo outside

Frome. But as they drove west, a big sign said, bear left.

They turned around and come home.

Oh, it's been a while. You think you're so brave with your wicked, malicious

chit -chat.

Well, take that and take that. Take that.

and take that.

I'll take that.

You can't leave. You've got to call the square dance.

No one does it like you do.

The girls have been talking, have they?

Oh, back down girls and touch your toes. I'm going to show you where the wild

goose goes.

Partly round and then promenade and back again. If you shake the ketchup bottle,

none'll come and then a lot'll. Chippity -chop, chippity -chick, and get the

duck's tail, but you gotta be quick.

Drink that wine, Sandy, dear. Try the cider. Cool and clear, then finish up

water beer. Then skip to the loo, my darling.

Oh, Charlie's daughter Lolita swallowed a thermometer in the winter. She looks

fine, but in the summer she's eight feet nine. So if you think you're nice,

well, I give these folks some good advice.

Eat a plate of beans on Sunday. Have a bubble bath on Monday.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Daily Star, Daily Mirror, and from tomorrow, The Daily Scuttle.

Yes, tomorrow morning, Britain's newest tabloid, The Daily Scuttle, hits the

streets. With me, the man behind it all, Editor -in -Chief, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

With me on, sir.

Oh, good evening, sir.

And hello to all our wonderful readers.

From your caring, sharing, ever so daring number one daily scuttle.

What makes you so sure you're going to be number one? Because we are the

newspaper that speaks out, faces facts and names names.

Who's your proprietor? I'd rather not say.

I suppose during the last few days you've been having the dry runs.

I believe some of the lads have. I don't know whether it's nerves or the curry

powder. You can't tell.

How did you prepare?

Did you get advice from old newspaper men?

Oh, indeed.

Only last week I was talking to Derek Jamieson, through his interpreter.

And he took excuse.

Well, tell him not on the floor.

On the Sunday sports.

Because it's thicker.

You talk to old newspapers, may I? I talk to dozens of them, sir, yes. And

did you learn?

I learned that the byword is integrity, sir.

To be successful, a newspaper must not only have, but must be seen to have

integrity.

And once you've learned to fake that, sir, you're nothing, sir.

Who's your TV critic?

Nina Cowpat.

Nina Cowpat.

Ugly enough.

Yes, sir, her.

Yes, indeed, sir.

Television's most controversial cricket.

Controversial? Oh, yeah, well, a lot of people think she's as thick as two

planks, sir.

Of course, there are others who think she's quite stupid.

I suppose, like the other tabloids, your paper will set out to titillate.

To what, sir?

To titillate.

To titillate?

Sounds like a baby waiting for his breakfast.

Are you going to emulate all those page three girls?

Not all of them, sir, not with my hat.

Let me put it another way.

Put it whichever way you feel most comfortable, sir.

It's up to you, isn't it?

Will you have pin -ups of half -naked models?

We'll have pin -ups, but not just models, sir.

Pin -ups of the famous Edwina Curry.

You, what a scorcher.

Marged fruits all over the centre pages, I've heard.

Gloria Honeyford, barefoot, all over.

That's brought the colour back to your cheeks, hasn't it, eh? It's green, but

it's colour.

Claire Rayner on page three, and page four, and page five, and page six.

And for the ladies, Bernard Manning, photographed on his birthday wearing a

suitable for the occasion.

Edward, he's sitting on his dinghy. In the channel?

No, in the bus, sir.

Well, it's what the pillocks who read are.

It's what our wonderful readers like to read, sir.

Yes. Which story will you lead with tomorrow?

This one here, sir.

Read it and weep.

Passionate Parliament.

Wild and wicked Westminster.

Yes. Big bad bold boozy back benches go bonkers by Big Ben.

You have to be sober when you say that.

and Tory temptress in all -night sitting.

Members exposed.

Yes, they work hard, play hard and hold hands hard.

Please yourself.

Yes, I have seen behind Cyril Smith and his face

aid of respectability.

My suspicions was aroused when I seen on the wall what looked like a...

I was later assured it was a photograph of Norman Tebbit in a sleeveless shirt.

LAUGHTER Nearby sat Nigel Lawson,

singing There's a Hole in My Budget, Dear Maggie, Dear Maggie, to the Prime

Minister, who was wearing a fair old sweater, riding boots and jog -oppers.

She said, I want my chief whip!

gave Roy Hattersley a funny look.

Funnier than the one he already had.

She sidled up to Michael Heseltine. Hello, sailor, she quilts.

I want to get hold of a black rod.

Hearing this, Bernie Grant, who

was seated nearby, blanched visibly.

Yes, it is no wonder, sir, that they won't allow the television cameras in

den of any quiet, sir.

Next week, why Nicholas Ridley had to leave his council flat in Park Lane.

Good thought.

Why Neil Kinnock dare not go back to his hometown of Glasgow.

And the truth about Enoch Powell and Tina Turner.

That is junk journalism at its worst. I've never heard such piffle.

Piffle?

It's full of piff.

Absolute rubbish.

I'd be very careful if I was you, Mr. McGee, if that is your real name.

Otherwise, we may have to deny those salacious rumours that are going around

about your strange love life.

But there are no rumours.

It can be arranged.

veteran in amazing love riddle shock.

Yes, Henry McGee is having a torrid affair with a senior producer's wife. It

revealed today.

That's not true.

Then it was claimed today.

But in big letters.

I don't know any producer's wives.

They all say that.

Have you ever heard my honesty question?

I've never heard it mentioned, sir.

It is not true.

All right, sir, then we will print a retraction.

In six weeks' time.

On page 28.

In little tiny letters.

Underneath the small ads.

For surgical stockings and dirty phone calls.

But I wouldn't give stuff for your life after that. You'd have no cocoa for

months.

But what makes you think people are going to buy your paper instead of

Because, sir, we give them what they want, sir. We give them headlines.

Headlines that tell it all.

Succinct. Look at that, sir. There.

Human bomb goes off on honeymoon.

Strategy, you see, sir. And the next one, sir. Look at that. Showbiz.

Showbiz.

Ain't my helicopter.

And this one, sir.

City life.

life, sir, yes.

And this one's a scandal.

Cocktail waitress claims Larry Grayson made me a complete woman.

Jim Davidson says, if I gave him the wall, would he make one for me too?

All of human life is there, you see, sir. And look at that.

Success. Diet food boss wins Nobel Peace Prize.

It's like a little play on words, you see, sir. Like, you know, the Nobel

Prize. You see, it's just a little...

Mr.

Stubble, good luck with your paper and good night.

That's 20p, that, you know.

Oh, what seems to be the matter, old son?

Everything.

I tell you, six weeks ago, I married a 20 -year -old beauty queen.

Gorgeous. She worships me.

She's loving, passionate, patient.

Multi -millionaires in her own right she is.

We got a Rolls Royce, we got a swimming pool, we got a sauna.

We drink champagne for breakfast every day.

We sleep together in beautiful silken sheets.

A life most people only dream about.

What are you crying for then?

I've forgotten where I live.

Ladies and gentlemen, they say the answer to the most asked question in the

world is the ostrich.

You see, it can bury its head in the ground for days on end.

And they say the answer to the second...

Most asked question is through the whole of the afternoon.

And they say the answer to the third most asked question is Hawaii 5 -0,

with the second goal being a penalty.

The answer to the question which I'm most often asked is, yes, they are here

looking lovelier than ever in their version of sport. It's Hill Danger!

laughter

Just Tompkins, 14 frames down to Jimmy Tarbuck.

He's already lost to Davis White and Taylor.

That's Betty Davis, Betty White and Elizabeth Taylor.

But this young pretender, formerly Peter Tompkins, till he went prematurely

ginger, was the wild man of Snooker's Steve Davis.

with a smile and still keeping that attacking aggressive style of his.

I wonder what John John Keith has in answer to that.

Please, sorry, I'm late.

I couldn't help it. I couldn't get it back to me anywhere. The traffic out

is terrible, honestly.

But I'm ready for it, eh?

I'm starving.

The meal's finished.

The meal's finished?

But I've had no lunch.

Honestly, I've had one slice of toast and a cup of black coffee. That's all

had all day.

What did you do, then?

I'm famished, I mean. There you are, sir.

I kept it for you. Oh, that is good of you. Thank you very much. Oh, er, miss,

could I... Knife and fork. Thank you. Oh, lovely. My lord, ladies and

I'm pleased to announce the tombola raised 3 ,400 pounds. Well done.

My

lord,

ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for your president, Sir Roland Butterman.

Well done.

My lord, ladies and gentlemen, this guild of ours...

Not during the beach, man.

...has been in existence for 56 years

now.

And its membership has increased.

Mr. Benny Hill.

happy event?

Next Thursday, Victor.

Oh, and Alice, and you?

Next Thursday.

Oh, and you?

Next Thursday.

Oh, and you?

Oh, I see you're not expecting a happy event next Thursday.

Oh, no. I didn't go on the church outing.

Well, you and the film crew being in that pub when the fight started.

Don't talk wet.

He started it.

Are you supposed to do that?

Where did we get him from?

How do you start a fight, then?

I see a bloke sitting next to his wife. I go over and I say, your wife is the

ugliest cow in the entire world.

He takes a swing at me, eyes up.

Barman comes over to help me. I call him a fascist pig. All the local yobbos

join in. I nip out the bat. And he gets the place being smashed up on film.

the first time they did it.

Why not?

Well, I go up to this bloke and I say, your wife is the ugliest cow in the

entire world. He turns to her and says, there, I told you, didn't I?

Quit on that, is he? No. Are you sure? Yeah.

I don't want them plonkers at the IBA investigating me, do I? What a re -smog.

What a... Don't point that at me.

It's not on. I don't care. Don't point it at me. It's been nerve -wracking.

Who are you exposing today?

Ratched Ben Ali Yakaman.

That's a good old English name, isn't it?

What's he done, then?

What hasn't he done, mate? He's been employing illegal immigrants, underage

kids, overworked, underpaid, sweaty labourer in that stinking carpet factory

his. Lives in style, though, don't he?

Yeah. Off the backs of the poor.

I hate rich people.

I mean, half the world starving to death. And he lives like that. I mean, I

you. You see, I believe in a fairer distribution of wealth. I always have

Well, I'm a socialist, you see. And I think, you know, we should all do

everything we can to help. Because that is the creed.

Stop.

There he is. Come on. Get him. Get him. Are you switched on?

My name is Ronald Crook. And I'm from Central Television.

Mr. Yuckyman, my name is Ronald Crook, and I'm from Ventral Television, and I

would very much like...

On, on, switch on. Yes.

Mr. Yuckymans, what do you say to the accusation that you have been employing

illegal immigrants and underage children at your carpet factory?

Excuse me, excuse me. You have no right to burst into our privacy like this.

Oh, right, okay.

Oh, it's true, darling. I want the organ grinder, not the monkey.

I want you, all right.

Keep going.

Mr. Yucky...

What have you got to hide? Why won't you talk to us?

Why won't... Why won't he talk to us?

Because he doesn't speak English.

Oh, well... You're his wife? Yes.

Will you translate for us, then?

Yes. Yes.

Ready? Still going? Yes.

Mrs. Yackyman? No.

I am not Mrs. Yackyman.

But you're married to Mr. Yackyman here? No, I am...

This is number six.

Yes.

Mr. Yuckymans is at number nine.

He's not the carbon king. No.

He runs the Durrani film school.

Film school? That's hasty retreat, I think.

Will you switch that off?