Original subtitles

Well, did you tell adjustment to keep the noise down?

Hello?

Who's that?

Hi, Sammy. Oh, Milton.

Yeah, listen, Sammy. Could you see your way clear to lend me $50?

What was that?

Can you lend me $50?

Milton, you'll have to speak up.

Can you lend me $50?

Sorry, Milton, I still can't hear you.

Well, I can hear him clear enough.

Then you lend him the $50.

Have you got a book called Man,

the Superior Sex?

You'll find it over there.

Under fiction.

I

just

think it's time I had a night out with the boys, that's all. Other men have a

night out with the boys. Why can't I?

I agree.

I mean, I should have a night out with... You agree?

You mean you don't mind?

If I minded, would I have spent half an hour getting the boys ready?

Thank you,

Clive.

Now, when I was young and my figure was sleek, I had a different gal

every night of the week. And each gal knew for certain which was her day.

You see, their names were Sandy Mandy, Trudy Wendy Fergie, Heidi and Sally May.

Then people asked me why I never married.

Why I never took a wife.

One of my own, that is.

I say it's because I have been in love with dream stars all my life. Well, when

our partner is dead, now can you name the five disciples, my son?

I say, well, I sure can.

They're Matthew, Mark, Olivia, Newton, John, you see.

I'm fond of Jane, fond of, but is Jane fond of me?

I'm mad on a lady called Madonna, but Madonna ain't mad on me.

I'm ready for Helen. Ready, hell, I'm ready as I'm ever going to be.

And if I could see more of Jane Seymour, I'd let Jane see more of me. And

there's a lot to see. If I saw Ursula Andress, I'd be dying for you to take a

second look.

I wouldn't soon cook if Sue cooked my goose.

I'd rather goose Sue cook.

I'd let Gloria gain a little bit of weight as we picnic by Joan Rivers.

If I could get my burly shaggy up close to Shirley Bassey, I would boogie

through my doogie withers.

I'd like to get Leslie and down, down to my cottage by the bay.

I told Esther Ransom I would put my best pants on if she'd come with me down

Mexico way.

But when I assured Anna Ford that we can afford to fly to Cuba, she just said

no. Well, if I can't have Anna in Havana, I'll see Esther in Mexico for a

clutch. I'll see Esther.

That's right. Yes, I come back and I caught the pair of them loading up 400

weight of me potatoes into the back of their van. It was the blue van, it was.

Would you recognize them if you saw them again, sir? Oh, yes, indeed I would.

They were King Edward's.

Bob a job, sir.

Bob a job?

Yeah. Bob a job?

Yeah. You haven't finished the swimming pool you started last year. Get out of

here, Bob a job.

Here we are, sir. One fresh salmon, 30 quid.

Thank you, sir.

Now, sir, may I wrap it up for you? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Throw it.

Throw it? Yeah.

All right, sir.

Why? Well, I'm going to tell all the boys that I caught it.

It's only a guinea pig, son.

It's not. It's my Paddy.

But when I told you Paddy was dead this morning, you didn't cry then.

stairs again?

Yes, I think so.

Thank heavens for that.

Didn't I take it out on me? She didn't turn that drainpipe off.

Oh, the nasty pain in my... Back? Back, yes, in my back. I thought so. Come on,

suddenly. Yes, it did, yes.

How are things at work?

Well, not very good, I'm afraid. I'm being replaced by a younger man.

And at home?

Just the same. I'm being replaced by a younger man.

I know.

As I thought.

Stress. Look at you. Bloodshot eyes.

Trembling hands.

Switching. All typical examples of stress.

Now, Andrew, you've got a pain in your back.

Here.

Take these tablets three times a day.

They'll help you to relax, and the pain in your back will disappear.

Oh, thank you, Dr. Trump.

I'm very, very, very grateful. Thank you so much, Dr. Trump.

This one, I found it down the back of the filing cabinet.

than four then, eh?

You've been a naughty little birdie, have you? You've been dipping your

in their gold tops and licking all their cream, eh?

You've been doing your ploppies in the bird bar.

What's your name then?

If you must, now, it's Joey.

Joey? Yes.

That's a boy's name. You're female, ain't you?

I know that and you know that, but that silly old cow won't live for you, don't.

She calls a cat Ben to that kitten.

What's she call it now then? Ben -er?

Joey boy, till... Till when?

Till I lay an egg, I suppose.

Yeah, well, I mean, I might be able to help you there, you know.

Oh, how?

How? Don't nobody ever tell you about the humans and the bees?

Take the cheeky old rooster to the pretty little hen. You ain't laid an egg

since the Lord knows when. Take the pretty little hen to the cheeky old

You don't come around as often as you used to.

Didn't your mother ever tell you anything?

Mother? You mean the old girl who bought me?

You mean your mother sold you to her?

No, some man sold me to her.

What a slavery that is.

What about your feathered rights?

I mean, it's not like... Did your mother ruin her figure laying you?

Can't say you could be bought and sold like a chattel.

I mean, that ain't right.

I don't like to think of you being in there, you know. Couldn't you go out,

like, for a little while?

On, like, passionate grounds?

Passionate ground.

I know what I mean.

I don't like to think of you being in there, you know.

It's not right, is it?

Don't you ever get out at all?

Yeah, when she cleans my cage out, then I stretch my wings a bit. Well, you

could escape.

I know, but I always come back inside.

Ah, you're a recidivist.

No, I'm not.

Humans, once they've been in prison, when they go outside, they nearly always

come back again. Because they can't face up to the outside world, see.

Oh. Are they very like us, then?

Well, they are a bit, yeah. Actually, the men folk used to call their women

birds. But they don't much nowadays. Are women very like birds, then?

Well, some of them are, yeah. If you look at a nun, she don't half look like

penguin.

No, actually, she's more like a bird of prey.

And, I mean, if a woman, you know... She likes to like about a bit, and she's a

bit flighty, you know. They say she's a game bird.

And if women like layout in the sun, they look like Robin Redbreast.

And if it's chilly, blue tits.

They are a bit, of course. The women say that they are called birds for one

reason only.

What's that?

Because of the worms they pick up.

I don't know if you've been in there, though.

in the winter like you.

Me? I don't freeze to death, darling. And my great.

Your great what?

Not my great. What? My great. Me and me mates, we all migrate. We fly stuff

together. Oh, yeah, I've seen that. Like in a V formation.

Yeah. Why do you always follow the one up front?

He's the one with a map.

Because you've got to stick together out there, you know. It's a jungle out

here. All danger locks around every corner. All these cats.

There's orcs.

There's a killer bird. What's a cross between a falcon and a duck?

What's it called?

A dolphin.

And then there's eagles.

And jet planes. Here I've seen them. They don't fly fast, do they?

Yes, they would you if your bum was on fire.

So, look, where do you all head for?

Suburban.

Yeah, we all fly down south, you know. We'll all be with the cockatoos in

Caracas and the parakeets in Paraguay. And I tell you, that lot over the border

there, they nearly killed me. All them over the border.

Bolivians! It's true.

I was locked in mortal combat with El Cocolito.

cockatoo's stud farm.

And I mean, you do know how cockatoos breed, don't you?

Yes, I know this.

He was marvellous. He had such stamina and he was polite with it. He was called

the fastest lover in La Paz.

Oh, he had a lovely way with him. You know, it was all, thank you, madam.

you, madam. Thank you, madam. Sorry, Pedro.

Thank you, madam.

Very polite he was. One day they brought in 150 females.

150?

I didn't think he'd make it, but he did.

At the end of the afternoon, he staggered out onto the hot sand, fell on

back with his legs up in the air and his eyes closed while circling ominously

above was a dirty great vulture.

And I looked down at him and I said, well, at least he died a happy cockatoo.

What a thing.

That must be a record.

150.

And he opened one eye and he looked at me and he said, shh.

151.

You tell me about your fight with El Coquelito.

It was all over Mona, a magnificent minor bird from Montevideo. Oh, she was

beautiful. What colour was her plumage?

Same colour as the rest of her.

I shall never forget it.

I was on my way to La Paz.

It was a lovely day, so I thought I'd walk.

Suddenly, I was in a clearing, and there she was.

She was gorgeous.

And she cocked an eye at me, and I cocked an eye at her.

And for one wonderful moment, there we were, cock -eyed.

And she flung open her wings, and I flung open mine, and she came towards

and I clapped.

You on a calorie -controlled diet?

No, a salary -controlled diet.

One sausage, please.

Just the one.

Here you are.

Pimpy, you on a diet?

No, I'm on a pension.

Good day, my man.

I'd like a Norfolk turkey, and it must be fresh.

Norfolk turkey fresh, yes, ma 'am. One coming up. There we are, ma 'am. One

Norfolk. turkey, nice and fresh.

That is not a Norfolk turkey.

I insist on a Norfolk turkey.

Norfolk turkey, right?

Ah,

here we are. Yes, you're quite right. Here we are. Nice Norfolk turkey, ma

There you are, Norfolk turkey, nice and fresh. Neither is that.

Not a Norfolk turkey.

Here you are, ma 'am. A Norfolk turkey.

And neither is that a Norfolk turkey.

How can you tell?

By feet.

by the parson's nose.

And Norfolk, Turkey is smooth but fast.

Mr. Pibbs always used to save me one.

But you're new here, aren't you? I can tell by your accent.

Where do you come from?

Well, ma 'am, you're the expert.

very much. It's very nice to be here.

You'll have to forgive me, I'm not myself this evening.

I expect you've noticed the improvement.

Woke up this morning, I had a pain in my side.

I thought I was going to have a wife.

Then I remembered I got it here last night at the party. I introduced Jim

Davidson to one of the girls and I didn't get out of the way in time.

Jim Davidson, oh boy, oh boy. Is that a comedian? Is that a comedian?

That's what everybody kept asking. Is that a comedian?

But I had a great time. I'll tell you something. It was very, very nice. I

started off with a vodka mixed with castor oil.

It's called a pile driver.

Then I went on to the Aski Spubanti.

I couldn't say it.

Then I went on to the beer.

But while I was there, I met Nina Mishkoff, a brilliant television critic

beautiful woman.

I had drinks with all three of them.

And I met Ray Allen, you know, Ray Allen with the little dummy, the little

wooden dummy, Lord Charles, told me he's just going off to play Israel.

Asked if he could borrow my pencil sharpener.

And on the show tonight, we have none other than the famous Chinese juggler,

Honglu.

It's called the sale of...

Yes? Your zip is undone.

My zip's not

undone. I know, but I bet so far I could make you take your hat off in the lift.

Right, gotcha.

Richard, quick, go and get Mummy to phone the police station.