Original subtitles

If you'd kissed me like that ten years ago, you'd still be single.

No, she told me.

Oh, look!

There's a record player in the kitchen.

And a rack to keep my records in.

thanks for coming to me coming out party.

It's great to be out and it's great to be back. Hello, Harry.

I see you with the wife.

What is this, novelty night?

Hey, Frank, I hear your warehouse burned down.

It's Tamara.

It's Tamara.

Hiya, Brooklyn.

Remember me?

Do I remember? Do I remember?

I don't know who the hell she is.

Oh, yeah, I remember now. Yeah, it's Marge.

Not from here, you ain't.

Look at these bozos.

When they say crime doesn't pay, these guys are on easy street.

Easy street? Believe me, lady, these guys have a tough time. They really do.

Look at Chuck over there.

Lends the guy $10 ,000 for plastic surgery.

The guy skips down, he don't even know what he looks like.

And Fiorello. Last week his father was in a fire.

Was he badly burned?

They don't kid around at the crematorium, lady.

Three weeks ago, we had a hemorrhoid transplant.

And it rejected him.

Believe me, lady, these guys have had it tough.

And you?

I've had it tough as well, ladies, too. I'll tell you all about it in a minute.

I was born up in the shack on the wrong side of the track.

No shoes, no socks, and no bedding.

By the day that I was born, I had taluses on my hands to try to hang on to

the wedding.

I went behind with my mom. I said, Paul fell off the roof and broke a rib.

Well, that's no cause to cry, she said. You should have laughed instead.

I said, Mama, that's exactly what I did.

Hey!

When I was five, I went to school, and I was made to look a fool by a teacher

who was cruel at all times.

I would raise my hand and say, Sir, I can't find my eraser. He'd say, Okay,

set little boys behind.

Then, at the age of 12, I had to take care of myself, and my little baby

knew me well.

You see, one night in Arkansas, we lost our mall and our ball.

Oh, boy, by the crap game, that's wrong.

I went to stay with Uncle Jim, who used to chase the women. He said, I don't do

that no more. Now I've retired.

You see, for the time you've learned to read a woman like a book, you'll find

your library card has expired.

He thinks you're going to make your money for it, then you've got to make it

back. Now that's a sentiment that cannot be denied.

Oh, boy,

oh,

boy, oh, boy.

How do you meet Gloria?

And where's Macho Mike?

His wife wouldn't let him come.

Macho Mike?

His wife wouldn't... Macho Mike?

Who's had two vasectomies?

And jumped home from both of them?

Macho Mike, whose motto is... You get more with a kind word and a gun.

What do you do with just a kind word?

Well, I hate him. He slept with my chick and squashed it.

Hey, and what about Father O 'Brien? Remember, 24 children had Father O

His wife's doing great, but the stork is dying.

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

Well, folks, you know, it was good to see at mass on Saturday night.

Oh, so that's where I was.

Are you mixing with these creeps? I thought they were coming to my poetry

classes.

Come on, no.

Show Brookton what you can do. Come on. Poetry?

Oh, no.

The stream is strong.

The grass is rich.

I wonder where them boys is.

Them little boys who all so sweetly sing.

Do not distress yourself, young man. It's all a part of nature's plan. You

that little boy is on the wing.

I have listened most intently to the words you spoke so gently,

but what you have vouchsafed is quite absurd.

It do not have a truthful ring.

To say the boy is on the wing, when we all know the wing is on the boy.

What's that, Father?

Tell me, tell me, Brooklyn, when did you last see your son?

Oh, about 20 years ago, Father. He was about four years old, a little kid.

we have invited him here tonight. No. Yes, your son, Brooklyn Junior.

Oh.

son a dirty lousy stinking cop how could you do it to me son you could have been

a part of all this you'd have been a member of the brotherhood where every

brother is a hood you need great guys guys like old smudger tom who takes your

photo on the prom he chops five dollars but you never get your prince and

pickpocket harry clinger who's only got one finger all he ever steals is polo

men

When I say I love her still, I mean the still where the gin comes out the end.

And tips hope he can open a safe with his bare feet. He drives a fingerprint

apartment round the bend.

Oh, I should have been great, but you had to go straight, son. No, no, no.

it, hold it. No, no, no.

That's not your son.

That's your son.

Oh, that's my boy.

My boy, I'm sure you see. That's my son. That's my son.

Hey, son, how did you fix this?

I got the warden a ticket for the governor's ball.

Oh, great.

But the warden can't dance.

He don't have to. It's a raffle.

I like it, yeah.

I'm not in too much.

And then?

Oh, and then he's dead.

Just think of the fun, father and son.

How is the crime we can reap it?

Boy, it'll be good. We'll be like Robin Hood.

We'll rob from the rich, but we'll keep it.

Now you can hold the ladder while I climb up to a window and steal paintings

Rembrandt and Van Gogh.

And if the cops find them in your room, say they're a family heirloom. They were

handed down to me by my pa.

Oh, it's a hard life.

We've done a lot of jobs, but it's a hard life. Fifty million dollars we've

I had to steal a diamond necklace for the wife.

It's a hard life.

No shotgun, no six -shooter, and no badge upon his chest.

But whenever he came into town, the population hid.

time to get advice from Dr. Darning, who said, rinse your mouth with a cup of

horse manure each morning.

Chits that will cure my halitosis, will that get rid of it?

He said, well, no it won't, but it'll tone it down a bit.

They like to dance.

That's nice.

And how can this be true?

Well, she'd had an operation and she'd lost her sense of smell.

She was known as Lucky Lulubab.

Now Kitty had a rival who was often heard to yell, By heck, I mean to have

wicked way with Lulubab.

Then he belched and made crude noises and spilled soup in his lap.

And they called him...

Thunderclap.

Thunderclap.

Thunderclap. Thunderclap.

Thunderclap. Thunderclap. Thunderclap.

Thunderclap. Thunderclap.

Thunderclap.

Now see that villain Thunderclap and his pal Gay Cavaliero.

They're convinced the ending's a sight for our courageous hero.

But there's one thing they ain't thought of. There's one thing they don't know.

The kid's halitosis is quite mild compared to his beyond.

What is a celebrity menu?

Celebrity menu is a menu dedicated to the famous and the infamous.

You can see there, you could have an Edwina curry.

With Annika Rice.

Pile of Fitzgerald.

If you like fish, you could have a Magnus Pike.

Torvill and Dean.

What sort of fish is that?

Skate, madam.

What is a Samantha Fox?

It's a tender young game bird, sir.

Very tasty, sir. Very sweet, nice, plump breast.

Well, enough for two.

Ample, madam, ample.

And, of course, sir, it's served without dressing.

For two. Very well, sir. And with it, sir?

What, sir, has the Cynthia paid?

Oh, madam, sin.

Yes, sir, you can pay for that with luncheon vouchers.

What are they?

Brothel sprouts.

And we took care of some Jimmy Tarbucks.

What are they?

Hearty jokes.

Not Russell hearty jokes.

Oh, no, sir. Haven't heard of one of those for ages.

And some Charles and Diana salad, sir.

What's that?

Let us alone.

Yep, fine.

Right, and you, madam?

What is the Oliver Reed?

It's a thick slice of ham.

Is that all?

It's marinated overnight, madam, in a mixture of gin, whiskey, vodka and

Doesn't that ruin the ham?

Indeed, but the gravy, sir.

The gravy, sir. It'll make you feel single and see double.

And we serve it with a feather duster.

Why? Well, it gives you something to do while you're on the ceiling, doesn't it?

What's the Superman?

Superman, sir.

with k -pop what is the and diamond and diamond is a sheep's head with the

brains taken up

well

what's the clive james clive james is a load of sweet bread

with muscle.

But beware, madam, it's served with a deceptively strong punch. I should be a

bit cautious about that.

Well, what's the Cyril Smith?

That is whale meat, sir.

And the Little and Large?

Shrimp and whale meat.

And the Vera Lynn?

Whale meat again.

bone of an ass with a double helping of tongue on a plate of

tripe with a side order of ugly fruits.

I don't think I fancy that. I don't think anybody does.

I'd like the Frank Bruno.

For two.

I like his muscles.

Wait till you see his cockles.

for dessert, sir, of course. I mean, you could have a Joan Bakewell tart.

Semolina scotch.

I could mix you a John McEnroe with a Lena Zavaroni. What would that give us?

Macaroni.

You have a Dolly Parton, sir.

What's that?

A little peach with a large pear.

What is the Larry Grayson? You know, that's fairy cakes with puff pastry.

for example, sir, an Alec Guinness?

Fatima Witchbread?

You like? You could even have a sachet of stale water.

Or a cup of Mr.

Tea.

You like something with a little more body? You could have a Tia Maria

Whittaker.

Served in a teacup?

Served in a teacup, madam.

Something fizzy? Yeah, something with a kick in it.

And spicy, too. Oh, there's only one thing to order, sir. You must order a

Hill's Angel.

You can never know what it's like.

Your blood lies when it freezes just like ice. And there's a cold, lonely

that shines from you. Why the black and red you hide behind that mask of yours?

Did you think the fool could never win?

Well, look at me. I'm coming back again.

I got a taste of love in a terrible way. And if you need to know why I'm still

standing, you just better wait.

Don't you know I'm still standing.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We'll be right

back.

As I thought, it's the drink.

Alcohol and alcohol alone is to blame for your condition.

You see? You see?

You see?

You heard him. Alcohol. Alcohol is to blame, not me. She's been blaming me.

What do you know?

You won't forget to post that parcel, will you?

The baby.

Freeman.

Tell him a year ago.

I wonder if you'd look after our cat for a few days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, yeah, all right.

But don't put yourself out.

I've never kept any secrets from my wife. Have you? Oh, no. No, no, never.

I thought I had.

But I haven't... I wish...

I wish this night would never end.

Why, John?

I start work in the morning.

What? With an old funny daddy like me?

Nothing. I like your company.

It's still making money, isn't it?

Well,

it ought to be stopped.

I boiled it for half an hour.

See me, sir. Yeah, sit down, Andrew. Now, look, Andrew, you well know I don't

normally mix business with pleasure.

But in your case, I'm going to make an exception.

You're fired!

Oh, God, I enjoyed that.

Yes, Doctor, and could you bring around some more sleeping pills?

Can you trust unit trusts?

Is there a future in futures? Or is a pension your intention?

You're welcome.

thank you

I don't think that's what's wrong.

You want to stop?